Night of the Living Dead.

The Internet Movie Database describes this film as “a group of people hide from bloodthirsty zombies in a farmhouse”.  Seems like a fairly simple premise, and it is.  The film never actually calls them zombies.  They're ghouls, or something... Either way, this simple idea picked up steam, and has become the gold standard for zombie films.  It re-defined a genre, so much so, that “purists” will dismiss more traditional zombie films as “not a real zombie movie” even when they pre-date Romero’s classic.  Anyways, nothing can be said about the film that hasn’t already been said, so let’s just let Starkwell and Lovelock enjoy it, and say goofy meaningless shit.  What a perfect film to be the three hundredth film to make its way to Zombie Hall.

[...]

[Nerdlinger John complains about visiting his father’s grave on behalf of his old mom.]

Starkwell: So, John’s a huge dick?

[John continues to complain.  He sees a dude wandering aimlessly around the graveyard.]

Lovelock: Oh God, John better die.  Hard.

Starkwell: Die hard?

Lovelock: Welcome to the party.

[John tells a story about how he used to scare her as a kid, and then, he delivers the famous, “they’re coming to get you Barbra”.]

Starkwell: Even as a kid he was a dick?

Lovelock: Once a dick always a dick.

[Zombie Hinzman kills John.]

Lovelock: Immediately giving us what we want!

[...]

Barbra makes her getaway and Lovelock and Starkwell CHEER HER ON.  She finds the farmhouse and begins to explore the inside as she hides from Zombie Hinzman.  The phone? Dead.  The music? Stressful.  The Atmosphere?  Perfect.  The zombies? Multiplying.

[...]

[Barbra finds a dead body, and meets Ben.]

Lovelock: Dude, sweet cardigan.

[Ben takes down some zombies with a tire iron.]

Starkwell: Cool, collected, stylish.

Lovelock: The ultimate hero.

Starkwell: Although, he’s awfully sweaty.  Maybe he should think about taking off that sweet cardigan.

Lovelock: You take that back!

[...]

How could Romero get it so right on the first try?  The zombies are fucking perfect.  There’s a touch of “Last Man on Earth” with a sprinkle of “Plague of the Zombies”, but seriously, there was nothing else quite like it at the time (from what I read anyways).

[...]

Lovelock: Is it just me, or is Barbra kind of phoning it in?  LIFT UP A FUCKING HAMMER.

Starkwell: She’s in shock.

Lovelock: WHAT A FUCKING BABY.  Multi-tasking man extraordinaire, A.K.A. Ben, is telling stories, boarding up the house and rocking a cardigan.

[Cardigan is off.]

Lovelock: Aw mannnnn…

[...]

Barbra starts telling her story about John and FREAKS OUT, Ben is all “bitch calm down” basically.  Eventually he punches her in the face and Lovelock played air guitar.

[...]

[Ben listens to news report.]

Lovelock: I hope the reporter says it may be due to “wacky tabacky”.

[...]

The zombies seem to hate fire and are afraid of flames, which sparked a conversation between Lovelock and Starkwell as to why so-called zombie “purists” always get hung up on the “running versus walking” issue, but never mention the whole “fear of flames” thing… Further proof that people should just shut up and open their minds.

[...]

[News report mentions that victims of the ‘murderers’ have been partially devoured.]

Lovelock: There it is.  The invention of a genre.

Starkwell: People must have been freaking out.

Lovelock: I wish I could go back in time and have not seen all of the post-Romero films and see this movie with a clear head and totally shit my pants forever.

[Don’t we all…  Well except for the pants shitting.]

[...]

[Ben figures out that you have to shoot them in the head.]

Lovelock: There it is.

Starkwell: But again, people hold on to that one, but not the flames thing?  Strange.

[...]

Barbra and Ben meet Harry and Tom.  Harry decides that he wants to stay down in the cellar, Tom wants to stay upstairs.  They also meet up with Judy, Helen and Tom’s sick daughter, but, basically none of their opinions, nor Barbra’s really matters. They just do as their husbands say, essentially.

[...]

Lovelock: So the ladies are basically useless?

Starkwell: Seriously, Tom isn’t even counting them as people… “The three of us”…

Lovelock: You skirts ain’t worth a damn in a crisis.

Starkwell: They certainly aren’t helping their cause by sitting around not doing anything.

[...]

Judy ends up downstairs with Helen and Harry’s sick kid, while the rest sit around upstairs arguing about this and that.  Harry is easily the biggest piece of shit in the Universe.  Harry’s wife Helen finally speaks up, at least, and shits on her husband, but just as she is asking if she can do anything to help, Ben and Harry totally speak over her, interrupt her and have their own conversation, fully ignoring her and continuing to make all ladies feel and be useless.

[...]

[News report informs them that the killers are UNDEAD!]

Lovelock: I’m so happy.  I feel like I’m watching how life was created.

Starkwell: More like UN-life.

[...]

After the long news report explaining to us, the viewers, just what in the Hell is going on, Ben hatches a plan to get out of the house and take the truck to get to a rescue station.

[...]

[Tom convinces Judy that leaving is the right thing to do.]

Lovelock: Took him long enough.

[Tom tells Judy that she is of no use at all.]

Starkwell: Wait what?  Is that really what he said? Harsh.

[It seems that the ladies are just there to look pretty and smile.]

[...]

[Tom and Judy go get the truck, truck catches fire, Judy’s jacket gets caught, Tom tries to help her, truck blows up, they blow up.]

Starkwell: Of course, it's her fault.

Lovelock: That's why you just can't trust women with anything... apparently...

Starkwell: Wasn’t this when feminism or women's lib or whatever was getting started and going strong and whatnot?

Lovelock: Well, technically, she did burn her bra.

[...]

Ben runs back to the house, Harry does little to help him out, so Ben, obviously, beats the shit out of him.  Lovelock and Starkwell celebrate with a high five.  Then we see some serious flesh eating and it’s honestly still pretty fucked up and shocking.  They celebrated again, but this time with a series of roundhouse kicks.

[...]

[The kid becomes zombie, since she was infected by THE BITE.]

Lovelock: So this really did start it all…

Starkwell: But, again, why does no one care about the flamophobia angle?

[The brain of the ghoul has been activated by the radiation, destroy the brain, destroy the ghoul.]

Starkwell: But don’t worry about the fire thing?  No one will remember that one?  WHAT THE FUCK?

Lovelock: Please drop it.  Forever.  Starting… NOW.

[...]

Hell starts breaking loose.  Ben shoots Harry with his gun and Harry ends up in the cellar with his daughter who promptly starts eating him.  Then she kills her mom with a shovel.  And eats her.  Starkwell and Lovelock are sitting on the absolute edge of their seats.  No sounds coming from them, except the occasional nervous fart from Lovelock.  Barbra finally wakes the fuck up and starts helping, but it is WAY too little too late, as she immediately encounters her zombie brother Johnny who grabs her and, I assume, rips her apart and eats her with all of his ghoul friends.

[...]

[Ben goes down to the cellar and ices zombie Harry and Helen.  But then he is SWARMED…  And yet he MAKES IT!]

Lovelock: He’s still pretty calm and collected, but I can’t help but wish he’d put his cardigan back on.

[...]

Morning eventually comes, and a bunch of local militia, redneck weekend warriors and National Guard seem to have things under control.  They come upon the farmhouse and as Ben slowly exits to signal that he is still alive, they, rather casually, exterminate him with a shot right between the eyes.  Just another one for the fire.  Seriously, this film deserves all of the praise that it gets.  Nearly fifty years old, and it can still shock, surprise and delight.

[...]

Lovelock: If he'd been wearing his cardigan, I bet they wouldn't have shot him.

28 Days Later.

If Zack Snyder’s re-boot of “Dawn of the Dead” helped make zombies popular again, and push the zombie film back into “blockbuster” territory, thus paving the way for even the POSSIBILITY of popular pieces like “Zombieland” or the recent television show “The Walking Dead”, then it is safe to say that Danny Boyle (two years before the "Dawn" remake) made outbreaks cool and hip again, and reminded us all that these movies can and should be way epic.

[...]

[Monkey sits on a lab table.]

Starkwell: What are they doing to the monkey?  Oh I don’t like this.

[Activists break into lab, to free the EXPERIMENT MONKEYS.]

Lovelock: This might be the happiest I’ve ever been to see hippies.

[Doctor walks in on them, and warns them that the monkeys are infected.]

[...]

Then the newly freed RAGE monkey bites one of the activists, and she goes INSTANT RAGE.  And just like that… OUTBREAK!  After muttering “damn hippies”, I think Lovelock crapped his pants.  Then he did a jump kick and screamed “ZINGAYA! They’ve got THE BITE!” and danced while playing air guitar.  Starkwell was silently amazed.  At the movie.  He’s fully used to seeing Lovelock lose his shit (both literally and figuratively) at this point.

[...]

[Dude (we’ll find out later is named Jim) wakes up in an empty hospital.]

Lovelock: Aw weak.  Put some pants on.

[There is no one.  Anywhere.]

Starkwell: So far he’s keeping it together much better than I would be.

[...]

[Jim meets his first zombie… then his first swarm of zombies… some people help him get away.  He screams and runs… mostly asking “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”]

Starkwell: There we go.  That’s the reaction I was expecting.

[...]

Jim’s new friends, Mark and Selena, explain to him what is going on.  And now he really loses it.  Starkwell and Lovelock both sit quietly, totally smitten with this film and everything about it.

[...]

[Mark gets some blood on an open wound and Selena immediately hacks him to death with a machete.]

Lovelock: That’s why when someone asks me if I’m infected, I say no.

Starkwell: Yeah that's why... wait... why would that question come up? What kind of girls do you date?

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: Burn.

[...]

Then Jim and Selena venture up a high-rise and meet Frank and his daughter Hannah.  We get more and more character development.  Starkwell was actually drooling.  Frank has heard a radio broadcast telling tales of a safe place guarded by military, so obviously they all decide to head out that way, by car.

[...]

[Car gets a flat, they change the tire JUST before they are totally swarmed by RAGE INFECTED ZOMBIES!]

Lovelock: Remind me to learn how to change a flat tire really fast.

Starkwell: Why?  In case you wind up IN the movie?  Or working in a pit crew?

[Grocery shopping montage! And then PICNIC!  And then horseys!]

Starkwell: Well, at least the horses made it.

Lovelock: What?  You can’t be serious.  Horses?  Damn hippy.

[...]

The gang continues on in their quest for the promised land.  They make it to the advertised roadblock, Frank gets infected and then shot by soldiers.  Lovelock and Starkwell were CLEARLY choked up.  The soldiers take Hannah, Selena and Jim to their secure compound.  It has security, and food, and hot water.

[...]

[Jim showers.  We see his ass.]

Lovelock: Again? Seriously.  Cillian.  Keep your pants on.

[...]

There’s a scene where the leader soldier takes Jim on a tour and shows him their captive zombie.  He pukes brown blood and shit, and it is super gross.  Lovelock totally stopped eating his sandwich.  The soldiers are clearly not good dudes.  Jim finds out that Leader Soldier promised his men “WOMEN”.  Before Jim has a chance to take off and save the girls, he gets knocked out.  They take him out to the woods to execute him, but Jim gets away from them.

[...]

[A crazed Jim makes his way back into their little camp, kills the fuck out of the soldiers, and saves Hannah and Selena.]

Lovelock: “Rambo was a pussy”.

Starkwell: Dude? “Tango and Cash”? During this beautiful movie? Please.

Lovelock: "Why don't you just shove a leash up my ass?!"

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: "Demolition Man".

[...]

So before he went nuts, Jim saw a plane in the sky… which implies that maybe the other soldier was right, and that the infection is quarantined to the UK.  Hannah, Selena and Jim find a place to hide out, and they wait… to be rescued.  It’s been 28 days and the infected are starving… COuld this be?  A zombie film with a happy ending? Thank heavens for films like this.

Dead Alive.

The nineties didn’t offer much to the horror genre at all, let alone to the zombie genre itself.  Luckily one offering was Peter Jackson’s “Braindead”, or as I’ve always known it, “Dead Alive”.  If you haven’t seen this movie, you should probably stop reading this and run to go watch it.  It’s that good.  Unfortunately, much like “Meet the Feebles”, there isn’t really a very nice and luxurious DVD print of the film yet.  That doesn’t really matter since, ANY version of this movie is better than NO version of this movie.  However, I believe that there is a longer, uncut version of this film that I have still never seen.  Bullshit.

[...]

[Zoo official steals RAT MONKEY, gets bitten on hand, arm and face by said RAT MONKEY.  Local guides cut off his hand, then arm, then face.]

Starkwell: Subtle.

Lovelock: ZINGAYA!

Starkwell: Wait, so who’s going to bring it back to the zoo?

[Locals sell RAT MONKEY to zoo people, I assume, as they load it onto a plane.]

Lovelock: Does that answer your question?

Starkwell: I love that, although they feel bad about sending ZINGAYA off to the rest of the world, that one guy looks SO HAPPY to get paid.

Lovelock: Best face ever.

[...]

We are then introduced to Pequita and her creepy ass Tarot Grandma… Tarot Grandma gives her a reading and says she will soon meet the man of her dreams, love of her life, and then... she meets Lionel!!!  In just one scene, Starkwell and Lovelock have already agreed that he is phenomenal at physical comedy, and that he is awesome, and they love him, and they want the movie to last forever.  Then we meet Lionel’s mom, and in just one scene, Starkwell and Lovelock have already agreed that she is phenomenal at being awful, and that she is indeed quite awful, and they hate her, and they want her to die immediately.  Pequita and Lionel meet once more and plan to go to the zoo.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m not sure what period this is supposed to be… it’s definitely not present day, but at the same time, feels timeless.

[...]

[At the zoo, Rat Monkey punches a regular monkey, rips its arm off, and eats it.]

Lovelock: Film Makers need to start using stop motion again, I love how it looks.  So creepy.

[Lionel’s Mom spies on Lionel and Pequita and is bitten by Rat Monkey.  Mom squashes Rat Monkey’s head with her heel.] 

Lovelock: ZINGAYA!  She’s got… THE BITE.  That makes me so happy.

Starkwell: It’s pretty obvious who the real enemy is.

[...]

Lionel and Pequita spend the night together, and Mother’s infection worsens.  They show the oozing wound, and it is already clear to Starkwell and Lovelock that this movie is going to be intensely disgusting.  As Mother’s condition worsens exponentially, her speech is slurred, her skin and body parts start falling off and apart, some guests arrive.

[...]

[Mother’s wound oozes into one guests custard, her ear falls into her own.  The guest eats the ooze, Mother eats her ear.]

Lovelock: Holy shit…

[Starkwell didn’t say anything, as he left to go vomit.  In an unexpected twist, he asked us to pause it while he went to vomit, not wanting to miss any of it.]

[...]

Then Mother eats Pequita’s dog, falls down the stairs, dies.  Then she rises and goes FULL zombie, and rips off the nurse’s head.  I can’t possibly document what Starkwell and Lovelock were saying, as most of it was stuff like “YEAH, FUCK YEAH” or “I’m… so… happy…” or “can we watch it in slow motion so it lasts longer?”.  After some more comedy / gore / awesome, Lionel ends up locking the two zombies (Mother and Nurse) in his basement and keeping them at bay with the use of tranquilizer, which he injects continuously up his Mother’s nose.  Eventually she escapes and gets hit by a trolley, and the locals see her, and assume she’s dead, so… a funeral is held.

[...]

[Lionel keeps injecting his Mom with tranquilizer, so no one catches on.  She is buried.]

Starkwell: Well, that won’t end well.

Lovelock: For the characters in the film? No.  For us? HELL FUCKING YEAH.

[...]

So, that night, Lionel attempts to dig up Mother, but is interrupted by some punks.  Mother explodes out of her grave and kills one of the punks, and then, well, ZOMBIE OUTBREAK IN THE CEMETERY.  The priest shows up, and starts fighting zombies, ripping their limbs off… etc.

[...]

Lovelock: I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!

[...]

Priest eventually dies and Lionel tranquilizes all of them, and then has them all over for dinner in his dining room, obviously.  His uncle shows up, complete with cold sores and his difficulty to pee.

[...]

[Two of the zombies hump at the dinner table.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never invite zombies over for dinner.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

As the movie continues to play out, one thing is made abundantly clear.  THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING GROSS.  Nurse Zombie, fresh from being humped by Priest Zombie gives birth to Baby Zombie in the basement.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie should com with a warning: “DO NOT EAT DURING, OR EVEN IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO WATCHING THE FILM.  ALSO, AFTER WATCHING YOU MAY NEVER REGAIN YOUR APPETITE.”

[...]

Lionel took Baby Zombie out for a walk, because, you know, that’s what you do in this situation.  I have never heard the guys laugh as hard as they did during this scene.  I believe at the end Lovelock said “The real question is how we can watch any other movie again after this.  What could possibly ever follow this?  Nothing.”

[...]

[Uncle finds stiffs, blackmails Lionel, throws a party.]

Lovelock: Ugh, his herpes are spreading…

Starkwell: You know you’re watching a fucked up movie when "a dirty dude’s huge mouth herpes" IS NOT even that high on the list of "most disgusting parts" of said movie.

[...]

Lionel then attempts to poison the zombies, not realizing that he actually injected them all with an animal stimulant.  As Uncle Herpes tries to rape Pequita, the Stimulated Zombies explode from the basement and turn the party into GOREFEST INFINITY.  The important thing to note is that it’s not just the AMOUNT of gore that is so special… Anyone can just utilize buckets of blood… it’s the creativity behind it all, how Zombies and Humans are being killed.  You’ve never seen anything like it.  Once again, I can’t possibly document what Starkwell and Lovelock were saying, as most of it was stuff like “YEAH, FUCK YEAH” or “I’m… so… happy…” or “can we watch it in slow motion so it lasts longer?”.

[...]

[Lionel uses lawnmower to “mow” down zombies.]

Lovelock: So… much… blood…

Starkwell: How do you film a scene like this without vomiting everywhere?

[...]

As Lionel has his final epic battle with Mother, and confronts her about the truth of his father’s death,  that Mother actually drowned him, Lionel is reborn, figuratively… although he does end up inside her and explodes out of her crotchal region… so there’s some NOT SO SUBTLE symbolism there.  The house explodes and Lionel and Pequita live happily ever after.  So do the audience.  Starkwell and Lovelock high-fived each other seven times in a row.  I think Lovelock's hand bled a little.

Dawn of the Dead.

I won’t bother telling you what this is.  I can’t imagine anyone would be reading “Zombie Hall” and have never seen this.  Today, Lovelock and Starkwell will be watching the US Theatrical Version.  Or at least, that’s what the Anchor Bay release says it is.

[...]

[Television station, in panic mode.  They are talking of the walking dead.]

Starkwell: I can count on my hands the number of men without a moustache or beard.

Lovelock: I got zero.

[...]

[Guy does ‘bunny ears’ behind doctor guy on TV.]

Starkwell: All Hell is breaking loose and this guy is all “Hee hee, bunny ears!  Now everyone will see him with bunny ears on TV.”

Lovelock: Well, pretty soon he'll be dead.

[...]

[Starkwell and Lovelock have decided to turn a blind eye to the white guy made up to look like…]

Lovelock: Native American?

Starkwell: Filipino?

Lovelock: Cuban?

Starkwell: African American?

Lovelock: Should we be talking about this?

[...]

[Enter the zombies.]

Lovelock:  I can see where Blue Man Group got all of their ideas.  And I don’t mean the ass kicking “Goblin” soundtrack.

[...]

[SWAT team bashes down door, door explodes with zombies.]

Starkwell: That one SWAT guy was clearly laughing.

[The two heroes find a room full of feasting zombies.]

Lovelock: Soooooooo… explain to me again why we would ever need to watch another zombie movie again after 1978?

[...]

[Fly Boy tackles a zombie.]

Lovelock: That is the lamest tackle I have ever seen.

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t he have just used the hammer?

[...]

Romero then introduces the mall, and there’s a little bit of an awkward line, wherein the character literally says “that’s one of those big shopping malls.”  Maybe it was still pretty new back then, and some viewers wouldn’t have known.  

[...]

[There was also a pretty great shout out to SPAM, bragging that you don’t need a can opener, and that it has its own key.]

Starkwell: Could this have been early product placement?

[...]

As the heroes bunkered down and secured the mall, enjoyed a shopping spree or two and offed some more zombies, Lovelock and Starkwell stayed quiet, mesmerized by the Godfather of the modern day zombie film.

[...]

[Hare Krishna zombie comes for Fran.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never give money to those guys.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why… in case they turn into zombies and come after you.

Lovelock: Well also because of those tambourines.

[...]

[Fran lights a flare, waves it in zombie’s face.]

Starkwell: Solid plan, Fran.

[...]

[Fran makes perfectly reasonable demands, Fly Boy flips the fuck out.]

Lovelock: What an asshole.  I hope he dies.

Starkwell: I’d like to see more from Professor Eye Patch on the TV.

[...]

[Roger yeehaws, a little too much.]

Starkwell: And just like that, Roger is broken.

Lovelock: Perfect, baby.  Perfect.

[...]

Starkwell: Two things, one, how the hell did Fran shoot so perfectly from so far away, for her first ever shot?

Lovelock: What’s the second thing?

Starkwell: How did the actor playing that one zombie not laugh?  He stared directly at Roger’s asshole with his mouth wide open.

[...]

Starkwell: They never really explained how and why FLAMES seems to scare them…

Lovelock: Romero invented this shit, he can make it up as he goes along as far as I’m concerned.

[...]

After they locked up the mall, and finished hunting zombies, Lovelock did at least five jump kicks and then rocked the air guitar.  Starkwell, the more pretentious of the two, played air keytar.

[...]

Starkwell: Of course Peter puts a fur coat on.

[...]

Lovelock: Peter referencing voodoo was a nice touch.

[...]

Starkwell: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but can we please hear more from Professor Eye Patch.

[Roger turns, Peter shoots, they bury him in a fake tree display, and then… have date night?]

Lovelock: So what, they’re like, "at last he’s gone”?

[Peter goes back to Roger’s grave and drinks.]

Lovelock: Never mind, that shit’s intense.

Starkwell: One for me, one for my homey.

[Fran turns down Fly Boy’s proposal.]

Lovelock: BURN!

Starkwell: I wouldn't marry him either. He tackles like a pussy.

[...]

Lovelock: She certainly smokes and drinks a lot for a pregnant lady.

Starkwell: Well, it was the seventies.  Oh also, you know, a zombie apocalypse.

Lovelock: Yeah, but that baby is the future of humanity, you want it to be as healthy as possible.

Starkwell: Good luck with that.

[...]

Apparently bored by the life of luxury they’ve created for themselves, they decide to run a flight school which of course draws attention…  The attention of RAIDERS!

[...]

[How could it get any worse?  It gets worse.  Wacky post apocalyptic gang comes for their mall.]

Starkwell: Holy shit!  Tom Savini with a switchblade comb!

[...]

[Peter refers to the zombies as zombies.]

Starkwell: Wait, I thought they never did that?

Lovelock: I don’t believe in nothing no more!

Starkwell: Seriously, my world is kind of falling apart.

[...]

And then in the stupidest moment in the history of asshole characters, Fly Boy starts shooting at the raiders.  Way to go, Ace, now we’ve got a war.  Two against a whole shitload.  I think Lovelock screamed out something like “What the Hell are you doing Fly Boy I hate you!”

[...]

Starkwell: Did Savini just call Peter “Chocolate Man”?

[...]

Lovelock: Here’s an idea, if there are zombies closing in on you in a shopping mall, don’t stop to check your blood pressure.

Starkwell: Yeah, it’s a bit of a stretch just to have a shot of a severed arm in a blood pressure machine.

Lovelock: It's not even a good joke.

[...]

[Zombie Fly Boy hunts down Fran and Peter.]

Starkwell: Hands down, the most convincing zombie in the film.

Lovelock: Yeah, as a human actor, he’s just okay… as a zombie, he’s top notch.

[...]

[Best head shot ever.]

Lovelock: Every movie needs a head shot like that.

Starkwell: This again?  Dude, not every movie can pull that off.

Lovelock: Go ahead, try me.

Starkwell: “The English Patient”.

Lovelock: That’s easy.  Movie opens with a shot of The Count, he gets his head blown off, roll credits.  It would save SO MUCH TIME.

[...]

The movie ends, we’re all fucked.  HOORAY!  Starkwell and Lovelock were seriously holding hands and singing as the heroic music played while Peter ran to the helicopter.  During the credits / zombies in mall montage they were furiously talking with one another about their favourite parts.  So this is why Romero is a legend (well, at least a big part of it).

Rabid.

David Cronenberg is a legend in the horror realm.  Also he is Canadian, so that’s cool too!  1977’s “Rabid” was one of his earlier film ventures, before “The Fly”, “Videodrome” or even “The Brood”.  Also it was filmed and takes place in Lovelock and Starkwell’s home city of Montreal, so you know that alone has them all worked up.  Get ready boys, horror awaits!  Executive producer Ivan Reitman?  Awesome.

[...]

[Motorcycle crash, bike explodes on girl.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t ride motorcycles.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.  Actually, yeah that probably is why.

Lovelock: Well that and the bugs in the face.

[...]

[The surgeons use an experimental RADIOACTIVE technique of skin graft.]

Lovelock: Something tells me that this radiation will not produce a Spiderman like hero.

Starkwell: Could that ‘something’ be that the film is called RABID?

[...]

The movie really portrays plastic surgeons as complete money grubbing assholes.  And people that get (needless) plastic surgery as total tools.  Starkwell comments that “this is seriously ahead of its time”.

[...]

[Marilyn Chambers stabs people with her super armpits.]

Lovelock: That’ll teach him to go straight for the boobies!

Starkwell: Yeah, they need romancing first.

[...]

[Impressive car crash.]

Starkwell: He pulled that off in the seventies on a shoestring budget… OTHER FILM MAKERS TAKE NOTE.

Lovelock: Did you see the zombie guy?  He looked awesome!  Green mouth froth!

[...]

[Doctor finds her weird armpit stinger that poisons people and turns them into blood sucking zombies.]

Lovelock: Part spider, part vagina, all disgusting.

Starkwell: So, in a way, it kind of did turn her into Spiderman.

Lovelock: In a way? It's basically a remake.

[...]

[As Chambers hitchhiked her way to the city, poisoning people along the way, the outbreak exploded!]

Lovelock: That’s why people don’t pick up hitchhikers anymore.

Starkwell: I don’t know if that’s specifically the reason.

Lovelock: What spider armpit poison girl?  That’s totally the reason.

Starkwell: I don’t know about that, but I do know that hearing a heavily accented Quebeccer explain the disease is fantastic.

Lovelock: “Don’t… euh… let anyone bit you…”  As if people need to be told.

Starkwell: Yeah, if not for this outbreak, go ahead, bite away and be bitten!

[...]

Lovelock: They serve popcorn at peep shows?  GROSS.

[...]

[Guy gets bit by rabid granny on metro (the Montreal Subway system).]

Lovelock: That’s why I hate public transportation.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Oh also, thanks to this film, we have just learned that in thirty-five years the Metro stations have not changed at all.

Starkwell: And apparently Santa’s helpers at the mall used to dress like pole dancers.

Lovelock: That should make a comeback, I think... but smoking being allowed in the malls… yeah that should stay gone.

[...]

The fact that the rabid zombies run around eating people is just further proof that Starkwell’s comment about this film being ahead of its time is true on many levels.  Then Dr. Murray came home to find his wife had eaten their baby, and it was truly horrifying.  Lovelock and Starkwell remained deadly quiet for a little while after seeing that.

[...]

Lovelock: Why do people push elevator buttons more than once?  Dumb.

[That broke the silence.]

[...]

When people talk about the greatest zombie films ever made, rarely does this one come up.  And that’s a shame.  Considering this came out in 1977, as Starkwell pointed out “it should be on everyone’s list”.  Then Lovelock nodded his head so hard that he got whiplash.

Blue Sunshine.

Writer-Director Jeff Lieberman put out a few films over the years, one of which was the often overlooked 1973 film “Blue Sunshine”.  Although not traditionally considered a zombie film, I stick this one into the underrated ‘zombieless zombie movie’ category, with movies like Romero’s “The Crazies” or Rollin’s “Les Raisins de la Mort”.  As I hit play on the DVD, it opens with a message from the British Board of Film Censors, telling us that this picture is rated ‘X’.  Hopefully for EXTREME.

[...]

[Wendy sees her ex husband on TV.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never date public figures.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Oh snap, her hair is falling out!

[...]

[Creepy husband stares down wife, parrot lands on his shoulder.]

Starkwell: And… cut to shot of the moon?

Lovelock: Starkwell, I’m scared.

[...]

[Dude sings at party. Someone rips off the wig that he was apparently wearing.]

Starkwell: The eye close-ups are terrifying.

Lovelock: All his hair falls off, he goes running into the woods, and no one wants to go looking for him?  With friends like these who needs friends.

[Baldy Crazy beats up the girls and sets one on fire and throws her into the fireplace.]

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: … with friends like that who needs friends indeed.

[...]

As the main character gets framed for the murders, Starkwell is already praising the acting, the writing, the directing, the soundtrack… the whole damn thing.  Lovelock told him to shut up and watch.

[...]

[Wendy finds a shitload of hair in her drain.]

Starkwell: GROSS!

Lovelock: SHE’S TURNING!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[...]

Main character Zipkin goes all Nancy Drew / Psychic / AWESOME trying to get to the bottom of this whole bald crazy people thing.  Starkwell and Lovelock were pretty much quietly playing air guitar while watching.  As the story continued to unfold, an Zipkin tried to find the meaning of “Blue Sunshine”, they decided that if they started a band, it would be called “Blue Sunshine”.

[...]

[Car chase, Zipkin drives a Bronco up an insanely steep hill.]

Lovelock: That hill was like ninety degrees.

Starkwell: How the hell did they do that?

Lovelock: That's why I drive a Bronco.

Starkwell: Yeah, that's why.  Wait.  You don't drive a Bronco.

Lovelock: Not that you know about.

[...]

Zipkin figured out that 'Blue Sunshine' was the name of some acid that all the bald crazies took ten years before when they all went to Stanford together and is now turning them into homicidal maniacs and Starkwell and Lovelock’s minds exploded.  Full exploded.  Kaboom.

[...]

[Bald Crazy beats up people on the dance floor.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never go to dance clubs.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and because one time they didn't let me in with cargo pants on.

[...]

[Zipkin chases crazy Baldy through a department store.]

Lovelock: All the mannequins are bald! He’s screwed.

Starkwell: This movie is genius.

[...]

The movie ends with some info flashed on the screen that makes it seem like this was all true.  Before Starkwell had time to explain to Lovelock that this was just part of the film, Lovelock promptly shit his pants.  Fantastic film.

Evil Dead II.

Before doing shitty super hero sequels (Spiderman!) and forgettable horror movies with no real story (Drag Me to Hell!), Sam Raimi was changing the face of horror comedy forever with his “Evil Dead” series.  As anticipation fills the room, I press play for the Widescreen Version.

[...]

[Introduction about Necronomicon.]

Starkwell: I feel like I’m watching one of those old National Film Board of Canada documentaries.

Lovelock: What like that lumberjack cartoon?

Starkwell: I think they were loggers... but no, not exactly.

[...]

[Ash play tape recorder, evil spirit take Linda.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never break into abandoned cabins, leaf through creepy books, and press play on old fashioned tape recorders.

Starkwell: Yeah, all of that.  That’s why.

Lovelock: Those are some pretty solid reasons.

Starkwell: You know, he didn’t give Linda much time to explain herself before lobbing her head off with a shovel.

Lovelock: Trouble in paradise.

[...]

The movie is so fast paced, the effects are so good, and Bruce Campbell kicks so much ass, that it was hard to keep up with what Starkwell and Lovelock were saying.  Most of it just sounded like two school girls giggling, as if they had just found out that the boy they liked liked them too, while the movie races forward at the pace of a “Looney Tunes” cartoon and never seems to let up.

[...]

[Headless Linda the zombie dances ballet.]

Starkwell: Stop motion animation, when done well, will always look scarier and creepier than even the best CGI.

Lovelock: Old school effects for the win.

Starkwell: It also helps that Campbell sells every single scene as hard as he does.

[...]

[Enter redneck characters.]

Starkwell: We may have just found the movie’s first flaw.

Lovelock: Yeah, I hate redneck characters too.

[Ash fights himself with his own hand.]

Starkwell: Oh, "Evil Dead 2", I can’t stay mad at you.

Lovelock: I think I want to make "Evil Dead 2" wallpaper for my house.

Starkwell: I want to make sheets, so that "Evil Dead 2" can keep me warm at night.  Forever.

[...]

[Cabin comes to life.  Ash laughs-to-scream.]

Starkwell: I know I always champion Vincent Price’s laugh-to-cry in “Last Man on Earth”, but that was pretty sensational.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were speechless for a while, due to gruesome and unforgiving horror perfection.

[...]

[Redneck dies in cellar.]

Starkwell: So much blood, and yet, none got on her.

Lovelock: At this point, can you please just suspend your disbelief a little.

[...]

[Montage of Ash arming himself.]

Starkwell: Ladies and gentlemen, a legend is born.

[...]

Then Ash said “GROOVY” and they both stood up and cheered.  When he said “Swallow this”, I swear I think I saw a single tear going down Lovelock’s face.

[...]

[Final gory fight sequence.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: … [nervous fart]

[...]

Nearly twenty-five years old, and it still looks as good, scares as much and provides as much fun as the day it was first released.  I would tell you Starkwell and Lovelock’s reaction to the ending, but they’ve already run out into the streets going door to door to spread the good word.

Pontypool.

Being Canadian, I take a great deal of pride in Canadian productions.  I love the “Kids in the Hall”, dug the “Trailer Park Boys”, and am so proud of “Kenny Vs. Spenny”.  That being said, it doesn’t mean that I’ll like something just because it’s Canadian.  The original “Degrassi” makes me feel all icky inside, I don’t understand the appeal of “Corner Gas” or the “Red, Green Show” AT ALL, and, amazing theme song aside, “The Littlest Hobo” makes me want to blow my brains out.  Why am I telling you this?  Well, I’m about to have Lovelock and Starkwell watch Bruce McDonald’s 2008  Canadian Production, “Pontypool”, that’s why.  Let’s see if this is one to make us proud, or make us feel great shame for our Northern roots.

[...]

[CREEPY DRIVING OPENING SCENE FULL OF SNOW.]

Lovelock: You know it’s illegal to not have winter tires in Quebec now?

Starkwell: Why would you say that right now?

Lovelock: I’m trying to distract myself from how scared I already am.

Starkwell: You know it doesn’t always snow in Canada, eh?

[...]

The film proceeds to introduce us to the main characters, with dialogue, acting and directing that is as good as it gets.  No sign of a zombie outbreak yet, but the mood is definitely bleak, and they continue to hint that crazy shit is going down, in the small Ontario town of Pontypool.  Creepy shots of snow accompanied by a terrifying soundtrack aplenty, Starkwell commented on how scary everything looked and felt and then basically shushed Lovelock any time he would try to say anything, not wanting to miss any dialogue in this dialogue driven movie.  I may have shushed them a few times too, because, damn, the main character Mazzy is SO COOL.

[...]

[Horrible zombie attack is described via a radio correspondant.]

Lovelock: So, are they not going to show us any zombie action?

Starkwell: If it’s all as effective as that, I don’t think that they need to.

Lovelock: You’re probably right, since well, I just sharted.

Starkwell: Nothing to be ashamed of, I’m pretty sure I just peed.

[...]

[Radio show takes calls from crazy people, and attack victims.]

Starkwell: I definitely just peed.

Lovelock: I think I might try and watch the movie from the toilet.  I can’t afford to soil any more pantaloons.

[...]

[Dr. Mendes starts explaining what is going on.  The English language is the problem.]

Starkwell: Well, now I’m both confused and scared.

Lovelock: I kind of want to stop talking, just in case.

Starkwell: I kind of want you to stop talking too.

Lovelock: Devrons-nous continuer en Français?

Starkwell: I really want you to stop talking.

[ENTER CRAZINESS.]

Starkwell: TABARNACLE!

Lovelock: Well, thankfully I was already on the can for that one.

Starkwell: I think this movie should come with a warning.

Lovelock: I think this movie should come with a diaper.

[...]

Although actual zombies are barely ever shown, this is one of the best zombie films I have ever seen.  Yes.  It’s that good.  It’s also further proof that a good zombie film has little to do with zombies.  It helps that the closing line was incredible.  As the credits rolled, Starkwell and Lovelock held hands and claimed that they will remember this moment forever.  Oh Canada.

The Beyond.

Italian shockmaster Lucio Fulci’s ‘The Beyond’.  It is loosely considered to be a part of his series of “dead” movies, and if it lives up to the hype, promises to be a good one.  This release from Grindhouse Cinema has a fantastically creepy menu, complete with tense music, making this movie already better than most.  The guys have been asking about this one for a while, so, without any further ado, let’s enter the Beyond.

[...]

[Opening shot is a flashback to Louisiana, apparently.]

Starkwell: Louisiana in the twenties was surprisingly out of focus.

Lovelock: And kind of brown.

[...]

[Horrifying images of Hell breaking loose.]

Starkwell: Alright, I’m starting to freak out a little.

Lovelock: My pants are kind of brown.

[...]

[Guy's face starts melting.]

Starkwell: Inappropriately funky bassline!

Lovelock: It’s to help symbolize that his face is becoming JAM.

Starkwell: I hate you.

[...]

For a little while Starkwell kept talking about the added creepy effect that the overdubbing has.  Lovelock rolled his eyes. At the same time, we see creepy white eye women.

[...]

[A plumber comes by to look at a problem with the pipe.]

Starkwell: Hammer and chisel, the tool of choice for all… plumbers?

Lovelock: All good plumbers.

[...]

[The plumber basically gets swallowed by Hell, in a sense.]

Lovelock: I don’t think he’s getting up.

Starkwell: She seems surprisingly unaffected.

Lovelock: There’s a lot of gas down there, she’s probably a bit loopy.

[...]

[Creepy white-eyed blind woman warns the main character of the dangers in the house.]

Starkwell: Take the word of the creepy blind woman?

Lovelock: Wouldn’t you?

[...]

[For whatever reason, the actors chose to try and employ a Southern accent.  It adds nothing to the movie, and there is really no reason for it.]

Starkwell: The whole southern accent thing is getting a bit thin.

Lovelock: I think it’s really authentic, you can hardly believe it’s an Italian production.

Starkwell: That sign reads “DO NOT ENTRY”.

[...]

[Somewhere amidst all of the horrifying imagery and bizarre dreamy dream sequences, confusion runs a plenty.]

Starkwell: I’m so confused.

Lovelock: I’m so happy.

[...]

[There seems to be a near indifference towards death in this movie.  This one revolves around a kid whose mother just died at the hands of the GATE TO HELL.]

Starkwell: “We’re so sorry about your mom, well, see ya!”.

Lovelock: Maybe she can live at the cemetery.

[...]

[For the first time, some people start to seem legitimately scared.]

Starkwell: Where was all of that fear before you decided to break into the creepy forbidden hell room?

Lovelock: Probably in the- GAAAAH I JUST SHIT MY PANTS.

[...]

Lionel wanted me to remind everyone that IBS and horrifying movies don’t often mix well.  Also, don’t eat pepperoni sticks.

[...]

[A man dies by being eating by tarantulas, that start on his face.  An incredible effect for when this was filmed, no doubt.]

Lovelock: I think from now on I might rate deaths on a scale from one to ‘FACE EATEN BY TARANTULAS’.

Starkwell: For this movie?

Lovelock: For ever.

[...]

[Fulci, known for the eyeball gag in Zombi 2, uses yet another eyeball gag here.]

Starkwell: How many eyeball gags before it’s too many?

Lovelock: That’s like asking how many sex before it’s too many?

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[...]

[Blind woman has a seeing eye dog, that she really shouldn't be putting through all of this.  But then the dog turns on her, thanks to the gate to Hell of course.]

Starkwell: I’d say that’s misuse of a Seeing Eye Dog.  Hopefully-

Lovelock: Woah! Yes! DOG JUSTICE!

Starkwell: If only Jerry Lee had done that to Belushi in ‘K-9’.

Lovelock: The character in the movie or the real Belushi?

Starkwell: What do you think?

[...]

[Randomly, the dead start rising, and we get some righteous zombie action.]

Lovelock: This movie is perfect, is probably what I would say if I understood what was going on.

Starkwell: When the gates of Hell are opened, people pick up and drop their bad southern accents as they see fit.

[...]

[Further Zombie action ensues, Fulci flexes his Zombie muscles.  The main characters hide in a morgue... from the rising dead.]

Starkwell: When the dead are coming back to life, trying to hide in the morgue seems a bit silly.

Lovelock: Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

[...]

I won't spoil the ending, but the imagery is, for lack of a better way of saying it, COMPLETELY FUCKING HORRIFYING.  The movie ends and Starkwell is just sitting there speechless, until he bolts up, says “This wasn’t a movie, this was a nightmare!” and turns on all of the lights in the apartment.  Lovelock is rocking back and forth in the foetal position, but both of his thumbs are up, so I guess that’s as much of a stamp of approval as any horror movie could ask for.  It’s beyond what they had expected.