Zombie Cop.

I won’t lie, I’m pretty psyched to watch this one with Lovelock and Starkwell.  J.R. Bookwalter was the man behind “Dead Next Door”, which was a pretty fantastic, while still being completely fucking terrible, backyard horror film.  Starkwell wasn’t able to get through the whole thing, while Lovelock couldn’t help but marvel at the gore and ridiculousness.  Let’s see where his follow up falls.  I should mention, let’s see where his ZOMBIE follow up falls.  Because his actual follow up to “Dead Next Door” was a movie called “Robot Ninja”, which I think we all can agree is probably amazing...ly bad.

[...]

[Definitely a shot on video film.   The intro is just squiggly lines that look like a Windows ’95 Screen Saver.]

Lovelock: Music by “Porn Music Guy from the Early Nineties”.

Starkwell: Shot in beautiful 4:3 on VHS Camcorders.

[The director used a different name for the Director slot.  Not starting off well.]

Lovelock: Lance Randas?  Between that and the music... Are we sure this isn’t porno?

[...]

[Some “voodoo” priest cuts his arm with some special effects that would embarrass magicians at childrens’ birthday parties.]

Lovelock: So many closeups… of teeth.

Starkwell: If every scene is as unnecessarily long as this one, we are in for some real-

Lovelock: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[...]

Anyways, two cops show up to apprehend Voodoo Priest, and after some terrible acting, one of the cops AND the Voodoo Priest both die in a shootout.  Arguably the lamest shootout ever.

[...]

Starkwell: So the voodoo priest would have pictures of zombies that he printed out on computer paper hung on his wall?

Lovelock: And movie posters?

Starkwell: And he has a subscription to Playboy?

Lovelock: Vood priest named "Death", keeping it real classy.

Starkwell: The ladies must love his pad.

[...]

Anyways, then we are treated to a half decent “Zombie Cop rises out of his grave” sequence.  After some more of the shittiest acting I’ve ever seen, the basic plot is that the “Zombie Cop” wants to recruit his former partner in an attempt to stop Zombie Voodoo Priest Guy from taking over the world?

[...]

[Zombie Cop hits the town looking for information.]

Lovelock: Those two “punks” are easily the lamest looking thugs in the history of cinema.

Starkwell: What the... Ok, I’m out.

[...]

Starkwell walked out because the actor portraying the “INDIAN” convenience store owner was a white guy with brown paint all over his face.  With a towel on his head.  An actual towel.  It is the most racist thing I think I’ve ever seen in a movie.  I honestly wish I was joking.  Then one of the thugs called him “towelhead”.  There are also SO MANY forced horrible one-liners.  This movie is embarrassing.

[...]

Lovelock: At least “Dead Next Door” had blood and guts.

[...]

Lovelock: So the cop also has movie posters on his wall?

[...]

Lovelock: Did that guy just tell the cop to stick his badge “up the rear”?

[...]

It gets worse.  There’s another scene with the fake Indian guy.  This time they didn’t even paint his face brown.  But he does have a bunch of dialogue wherein he speaks in an insanely offensive accent.  Also, he says his name and his name is all “gibberish” and super long.  Then there’s a shot of a guy watching “Robot Ninja”.  Bookwalter gives HIMSELF a shout out.  Man, fuck J.R. Bookwalter.

[...]

Lovelock: The kids playing on that soccer field look really confused as to why there are people with camcorders filming a really shitty and slow chase between a guy in a cop outfit and a guy in a Jamaican outfit.

[...]

You know what else is bad in this movie?  The editing.  The music.  The writing.  The everything.  Just a well-rounded painful turd.   The end.  And by the way, the last scene is another scene starring racism.

The Dead Next Door.

Apparently this movie took years to complete.  That’s what happens when you have no budget and try to tackle a story as grand as the one put forward in JR Bookwalter’s “Dead Next Door”.  Shot in Ohio through the majority of the ‘80s, this one saw its completion and release in ’89, and may or may not have lived up to everyone’s hopes.  Let’s at least find out what Starkwell and Lovelock think of it.  Apparently Bookwalter followed this with a movie called “Robot Ninja” where a scientist helps a comic-book artist to become the superhero he has created in order to battle a vicious gang of rapists.  So yeah.

[...]

[Zombie tried to rent "Dawn of the Dead"]

Lovelock: Sweet VHS boxes.

Starkwell: I think this is going to be one nutty ride.

[...]

[Zombie apocalypse montage.]

Starkwell: Why would they bother showing a zombie using the telephone for that long?

Lovelock: The same reason that they mostly cast people with mullets.

[...]

We get introduced to some Zombie Squad members, some pretty sweet gore and some of the worst acting in the history of people.  But, as Lovelock noted, “somehow it works.”

[...]

[Binocular shot.]

Starkwell: If you’re going to use construction paper to create that effect, you could at least make smooth cuts.

Lovelock: You ever try to cut perfect circles with scissors?  It’s impossible.

[...]

Lovelock: I think I’ve seen this movie before.  It was called “Ghostbusters.”

Starkwell: Are you basing that entirely on the Squad Car?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

The overdubbing is funny.  Starkwell mentioned that it gives it that “campy Bruno Mattei feel.”  In order to save the world, they have to find some guy’s research lab in Akron, Ohio, the scientific center of the world, apparently.

[...]

[Reverend Sunglasses and his Church of Bad Haircuts keep zombies in a pen, and feed them humans.]

Lovelock: There’s something weird about this Reverend…

Starkwell: He runs a cult, sacrifices people, and feeds them to the zombies.

Lovelock: That’s not it.

Starkwell: It’s not?

Lovelock: No, I know!  It’s his fashion sense.  Who wears a khaki shirt and khaki pants?  What is he, a zookeeper?  And why is he always wearing those old lady Terminator sunglasses?

[...]

Not much was happening after this.  Starkwell and Lovelock made a half dozen comments about Commander Mullet and his braid.  There was a random hippy guy talking about “'Nam flashbacks” right before a grenade blew him up.  Trust me, it sounds better than it is.  Then the Zombie Squad guy grenaded a tree so he could drive through it and Starkwell walked out.  The rest is just stuff that Lovelock muttered to himself.

[...]

Lovelock: Worst graffiti ever.  “The Master Dude!”  What does that even mean?

[...]

Lovelock: Reverend Sunglasses looks like Gilbert Godfrey, but sounds like an asshole.

[...]

Lovelock: STARKWELL!  YOU’RE MISSING A MELTING ZOMBIE! MELTING!

[...]

Lovelock: You’re going down Doctor Trucker Hat.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would you open that door? Oh snap, zombie hands!  Guitar solo!

[...]

Lovelock: I think that cage is made of paper.

[...]

I don’t think Lovelock appreciated the twist ending, since he just stood up and said “Dumb.”  He liked the gore effects overall, but Bookwalter definitely bit off more than he could chew, and the result is a patchy film that lacks cohesion.  Impressive nonetheless.  Lovelock gives him credit for trying.  Starkwell was glad he bailed when he did.  The songs that play during the ending credits are totally insane.  And I thought only Burt Reynolds movies had awesome theme songs.