The Coed and the Zombie Stoner.

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The Black Sleep.

The film starts off with a really creepy narration about a drug that induces, I assume, “The Black Sleep”… Making the man like a dead man but not of the dead.  Also not of the living?  Remains to be seen.  As always with the older pictures, the soundtrack is wonderfully bombastic and the set design and locations looks like they were well thought out.  We’ll see how the rest fares.  Basil Rathbone, John Carradine, Lon Chaney Jr., Tor Johnson and Bela Lugosi all have roles in there, so it’s all a bit exciting.

[...]

Lovelock: Reginald LeBorg is a killer name… I’m just throwing that out there.

[...]

The story begins in a London prison in the late nineteenth century, were a dude, recently convicted of murder and whatnot, tries to explain to Basil Rathbone how he was framed.  Basil Rathbone gives the convict “THE BLACK SLEEP”, after which the authorities deliver the body to Rathbone.

[...]

[Convict wakes up at Basil Rathbones lair.]

Lovelock: So is he dead alive?  Or is he alive alive?

Starkwell: Does it matter?

Lovelock: To me, it does.

Starkwell: Alive dead.

[Convict sits up, Rathbone tells him everything, and tells him he has to become his assistant.]

Starkwell: I feel like something is gonna go wrong… otherwise where’s the movie?

Lovelock: I hope something goes wrong.  So far “The Black Sleep” is more like “Makes The Audience Sleep”.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[...]

The Convict’s name is Gordon Ramsay, which of course starts spurring all sorts of Chef Gordon Ramsay jokes (also saying things like “What a shame.”).

[...]

[They arrive at Rathbone’s super secret lab, and a woman is being chased by Lon Chaney… whose name is MUNGO.]

Lovelock: With a name like Mungo, what are the odds he would be a well adjusted fun-loving dude?

Starkwell: In 1872… was anyone well-adjusted and fun-loving?

Lovelock: Hookers.

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: Farmers too.

[...]

Lovelock falls asleep during Rathbone and Ramsay’s breakfast conversation about Mungo and brain surgery.  Apparently Mungo used to be a guy named Dr. Monroe.  Rathbone wants Ramsay’s help to operate on Mungo and restore his Dr. Monroe-ness.  Why they would have started calling him Mungo, is beyond me.

[...]

Starkwell: Mungo… IS… Dr. Monroe!

Lovelock: You had to be loud, didn't you?  You had to wake me, didn't you?  Wait who’s Mungo?  So basically people were like, “woah Dr. Monroe has gone bananas, let’s stop calling him by his name, let’s call him MUNGO”?

Starkwell: It would be like if a guy went bald and everyone was like “no, he’s not him anymore, he shall now be known as SHINEHEAD”.

Lovelock: Might be your worst comparison of all time.

[...]

The story chugs along as Mungo continues to act like a guy named Mungo would act, and the Ramsay-Rathbone super surgery team cut into a dead dude’s brain.  There’s also a very old Lugosi playing a deaf-mute servant.  It’s kind of sad seeing him so frail, and playing such a minor role.  This was the last film he did before his passing.

[...]

[Rathbone is starting to not like Ramsay’s inquisitive nature.]

Starkwell: Why would you Black Sleep a smart doctor, if you’re basically looking for a helper monkey?

Lovelock: What? Sorry.  I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my BORED BRAIN CRYING FOR HELP.

[...]

[Ramsay has a horrible nightmare about dead people and the things he is helping Rathbone do.]

Lovelock: I won’t lie.  I wish he went all MUNGO on they asses.

Starkwell: There’s still time.

Lovelock: Ugh.  All this waiting for something to happen is making me go mungo.

[...]

Then there’s a long drawn out creepy scene where the artist gypsy guy from the beginning drugs a girl and robs (?) her.  I hope that’s all he’s planning.  Ramsay and the only female character in the movie with dialogue seem to be investigating what is really going on with Rathbone, but I couldn’t keep track of it all, and Lovelock was asleep again so there wasn’t any conversation happening worth documenting.

[...]

[John Carradine plays either a crazy guy, or someone who is like eight hundred years old.]

Starkwell: I should have been paying more attention.

[In a dungeon they find a dude with a horribly warped face, who attacks Ramsay, and a once beautiful woman whose face is covered with patches of hair.]

Starkwell: Yeah, I definitely should have been paying more attention.

[Tor Johnson walks in, playing, basically, Tor Johnson.]

Starkwell: Well he looks cool as always.

[...]

Honestly, Carradine fucking STEALS the show as an insane Gandalf.  His screaming wakes Lovelock up, who immediately yells out “YOU SHALL NOT PASS.”

[...]

Lovelock: Rathbone has amassed a pretty nice freakshow of post-dead crazy people.

Starkwell: Post-dead?

Lovelock: Pre-zombie?

Starkwell: That’s a stretch.

Lovelock: I’m so mungo right now, you don't even know.

[...]

The Gypsy attempted to bring that girl to the doctor, but she was dead.  So, obviously, Rathbone decides to do his experiments on Female Lead.  The chain gang of crazy people, led by Insane Gandalf, comes out and eventually kills Mungo, sets fire to Rathbone’s nurse, and pushes Rathbone down a flight of stairs to his death.  So Ramsay and Female Lead walk away unharmed.  Then it ends immediately.  Not great.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth.

Well, it’s a movie from “The Asylum”, so you already know that there is a fifty percent chance that Starkwell will leave before the film even gets going, and at least a twenty-five percent chance that neither of them will finish the film.   This turd takes on the Nazi zombie theme, and hopefully isn’t too long of a film.  It starts off with a horrible action scene wherein Dr. Mengele escapes on a plane sometime at the end of the war I guess.

[...]

[Researchers digging (?) in Antarctica find some kind of Nazi bunker (?)]

Starkwell: Wait, that’s supposed to be Antarctica?

Lovelock: That Nazi just walked up from behind them, what was he just hiding behind a bush all that time?

[Then something blows up, the explosion is blue and we’re all confused.  Apparentky the Nazis took two of the researchers and dragged them away.]

[...]

The acting is really really bad, even by “Asylum” standards.  I think Lovelock was the one who wondered how they found so many bad actors willing to be in a film.  Including Jake Busey.  The whole group of “researchers” (bad actors) go to find the missing researchers.

[...]

Starkwell: Good thing that the snow and heavy winds of Antarctica have PERFECTLY preserved those footsteps that they are now following.

[...]

After expressing his desire to save the next hour of his life from the agony of watching this, Starkwell leaves.  Lovelock stays, actually a little intrigued.

[...]

Lovelock: That dude’s head blood looks like fruit punch.

[Mengele rips off a dudes face.]

Lovelock: Seems like a face wouldn’t just come off that cleanly…

[...]

It just gets worse and worse as the researchers venture into a “cave”, where Captain Jake Busey claims that they must be “fifty feet below the surface”.  Wow.  So deep.  I’m surprised they haven’t passed the equator yet.

[...]

[I guess Mengele took all of the researcher guy’s skin and put it on a Nazi?]

Lovelock: Can one just slip in and out of skin like a leotard?

[...]

Holy shit the girl slid down an icy hole to the CENTER OF THE EARTH like a scene out of “The Goonies”.  Then two of the researchers discover a whole word down there… that appears to have its own sun?  Also, what’s their plan for getting out of here?  They seem to be sliding down tubes and abandoning all of their gear… so…  Anyways, the whole group walks right into the Nazi building they found in this secret world and are immediately surrounded by a bunch of undead Nazis.

[...]

Lovelock: Hopefully they all just die immediately and the movie ends NOW.

[Dream big.]

[...]

[Captain Jake Busey is a secret Nazi and planned on bringing all of them to Mengele.]

Lovelock: Oh shit! Obvious twist!

[...]

Admittedly, this is bad, but it’s almost captivatingly bad.  The old actor dude playing Mengele is pretty sweet too.  So Mengele wants all of them to help him with his immortality / undead soldier research, and so far they’re playing along, I guess waiting for their moment to strike.  There’s no real explanation as to why Mengele looks EXACTLY as he did seventy years ago, but the soldiers are all rotting zombies.

[...]

[One of the women gets gang raped by a bunch of nazi zombies.]

Lovelock: Are they eating her or… ?

[...]

The movie makes little to no sense.  Also it sucks.  Lovelock just left.  He was just in time to miss Captain Jake Busey rip out his own baby fetus from his girlfriend and use the stem cells to revive Robot Zombie Hitler.  Oh also the Nazis have a flying saucer apparently.  It’s even worse than it sounds.  In the end, the UFO explodes over the Antarctic and the two surviving Americans jump out and find their jackets somehow.  I guess the UFO didn’t actually move at all?  And their jackets managed to find their way to where they ended up? Fuck dis shit.

The Hanging Woman.

Also known as “Terror of the Living Dead”, the film involves a strange town, Satan worship, premonitions of the apocalypse, and most importantly PAUL NASCHY in a side role as a grave digger.  The fact that Troma’s name is attached to this one, even if it is only because they bought the rights to it and released it, leaves Starkwell and Lovelock worried.  Hopefully Naschy can carry the movie.  We’ll see.  Or actually, THEY’ll see.  I’ll just document.

[...]

Starkwell: Let me be the first to say that this looks and sounds like garbage.

Lovelock: Niiiiice print.  It looks like they filmed a projection of it on the wall. A dirty wall.

Starkwell: With one of those huge video cameras that records directly onto a VHS tape.

Lovelock: NASCHY!

[...]

I’m not sure what’s going on, but some dude is hunting zombies in a cemetery…I think.  Or no, he’s going to his dead uncle’s castle.  I think he inherited the castle.  He has a bad ass mustache, a serious fucking hat and a real dreamy hair-do.  Anyways, he sees A HANGING WOMAN and flips the fuck out.  And then, because of how insane it looks, Starkwell and Lovelock also flip out.

[...]

[Then we see them perform an autopsy on the Hanging Woman?  They cut organs out of her.]

Starkwell: Ew.  Fucking ew.

Lovelock: Damn, she was stacked.

Starkwell: ...

[...]

So there’s this evil (?) girl named Nadia who calls out to Naschy asking him to “COME TO ME”.  After watching her undress herself and then put a bed sheet on over her naked body through a hole in the wall, Naschy walks into the room, takes said sheet off of her and begins fondling her.  But then he leaves SUDDENLY upset before going any further.  Then he goes to his secret lair (?) and kisses a bunch of naked dead women (?).  I think this is what is happening.

[...]

[Naschy is a grave robber.  So I guess he’s also a necrophiliac.  Robbing corpses to bang them.]

Lovelock: That’s why I want to be cremated.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.  Dude, honestly, who’s digging you up for a good time?

Lovelock: I plan on looking good before I kick the bucket.

[...]

[Mustache Guy beats the shit out of the butler and then fires a gun at him.]

Lovelock: Wait… why did he do that?

Starkwell: I think he wanted to impress Nadia the Booby Girl… but I don’t really know.

Lovelock: CHUCK NORRIS!  That’s who he looks like.  Chuck fucking Norris.

[From now we will refer to Mustache Guy as Chuck Norris Guy.]

[...]

Chuck Norris Guy humps Nadia.

[...]

Lovelock: Hey, director, less boobies more living dead.

[Scientist re-animates a dead frog.]

Lovelock: That’s not what I meant.

[...]

Lovelock just figured out that Nadia is the widow of Chuck Norris Guy’s uncle, which is kind of fucked up.  But I think the uncle left everything to Norris Guy, which explains why Nadia is trying to ride him so hard.

[...]

[Chuck Norris Guy makes Doris (the young daughter of the scientist) take off her clothes.]

Starkwell: Who is the hero in this?

Lovelock: Naschy?  No wait... the ending credits?

[...]

Oh yeah, the frog re-animator scientist works at the castle.  And now Nadia is having a séance and is trying to talk to Hanging Woman.  But THEY GET MORE THAN THEY BARGAINED FOR.

[...]

[Undead Uncle chokes Nadia the fuck out.]

Starkwell: Later bitch.

[...]

[Naschy is found dead.]

Lovelock: Oh well, definitely no one left to root for.

Starkwell: Norris Guy?

Lovelock: Rapey McMustache?  Pass.

Starkwell: I guess we'll just have to keep rooting for the END OF THE FILM.

[...]

Now the girl, Doris, that Rapey McMustache COMPLETELY DEGRADED by making her undress in front of him, is trying to cuddle Rapey McMustache.  Together they explore the castle and find secret passageways.  Lovelock said something about where “Temple of Doom” got all of its ideas from, and Starkwell laughed for five minutes.

[...]

[Chuck Norris Guy, a.k.a. Rapey McMustache, fights some zombies.]

Starkwell: You got to hand it to the movie, the zombies look pretty sweet.

Lovelock: With ten minutes of film left though.  HOLY SHIT NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

[...]

There was actually an interesting twist wherein it turns out that “NO. 37” was actually just “LEON” upside down.  The scientist’s name is ‘Leon’.  Trust me, you don't want me to explain anything any more than that.

[...]

Starkwell: You mean the scientist Leon that has been re-animating dead frogs is the one re-animating dead people?  Shocker.

[...]

And then Chuck Norris Guy chopped off Zombie Naschy’s head.  Oh yeah, did I mention Naschy was back AS A ZOMBIE.  This was, of course, accompanied by a Lovelock jump kick.  After they burn all the zombies and kill Leon, the police and Chuck Norris send Doris off to town.  But… LOOK OUT!  That’s a zombie driving that horse carriage!  The end.  IMMEDIATELY.

The Swamp of the Ravens.

Actually a Spanish film, this film’s actual title is “El pantano de los cuervos”, which according to Lovelock translates to “The Pants of the Eggs”.  I think he’s wrong.  Hopefully the internet is also wrong about how bad and boring this is about to be for Starkwell and Lovelock, as they enter the Egg Pants.  The film starts and the print is ABSOLUTELY atrocious.  It looks like the film was bathed in mud and left in the sun.

[...]

Lovelock: It almost looks like the colors are messed up, like it’s supposed to be in 3D…

Starkwell: I think that’s just the print.

Lovelock: I think those glasses might help.

Starkwell: I think only a blindfold would help.

Lovelock: And earplugs.

Starkwell: And a power failure.

Lovelock: And a time machine.

Starkwell: To get our time back?

Lovelock: To prevent the making of the film.

Starkwell: And... scene.

[...]

So there is some rogue scientist doing research on cadavers, and interspersed with the chronological events we get scenes from some kind of deposition where he is getting in trouble for trying to do his research.   As Lovelock and Starkwell sat and watched the film, it became clear that the rogue doctor is a complete asshole, and a bit of a rapist.

[...]

[Doctor Guy lies to a sick man, kills him, chops him up and then dumps his body in the swamp.]

Starkwell: What the?

Lovelock: It’s all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.

Starkwell: That dead guy was breathing. 

Lovelock: Solid acting.

Starkwell: Is that a fetus in a jar?

Lovelock: It’s all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.

Starkwell: So I guess that is the swamp of the ravens?

Lovelock: It’s all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.

[...]

Doctor Guy’s girlfriend wants to leave him, so she leaves a mannequin at her apartment in her place, with a tape recorder and a recorded message.  It took him a couple of minutes to realize that it wasn’t a real woman and that he was in fact talking to a mannequin.  “Can’t be a very good doctor…” remarked Starkwell... and then Lovelock high-fived him and announced "BURN"..

[...]

[Doctor tracks down his girl, kidnaps her, straps her down to his operating table, and proceeds to lick on her nipples.]

Starkwell: Obviously.

Lovelock: That’s why I hate doctors.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: Well, that and the condescending attitude.

Starkwell: So... arrogance and forced nipple licking?  Those are your main reasons?

Lovelock: You mean, you like arrogance and forced nipple licking?  Pervert.

Starkwell: But...

Lovelock: Yeah you would like something with the butt too, pervert.

[...]

[Bodies in the swamp start coming back to life.]

Starkwell: Is it just me, or is the Doctor not shocked AT ALL?

Lovelock: It’s all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.

[Then there was an autopsy scene that I think may have been filmed using an actual dead body and Lovelock vomited.]

[...]

Frustrated at the lack of undead content, the troops are getting restless.  And there is only an hour left…

[...]

[Doctor screws dead girl.]

Starkwell: Do they have to show it for this long?

Lovelock: It's all very scientific, you wouldn’t understand.

Starkwell: Oh FUCK THIS.

[Exit Starkwell.]

[...]

It turns out that Doctor’s helper servant dude is actually a re-animated corpse.  Then, with LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES LEFT the cops close in on him, he burns down his swamp house, brings the dead girl back to life, immediately kills her and dumps her body in the swamp, is stared at by the swamp zombies, who then ultimately just dunk their heads back into the swamp.  Then it cuts to him somewhere else in the world teaching a class at a school and continuing to try and conduct his experiments.  But then the cops (from the other side of the world (?) ) catch him and… arrest him?  THE END IMMEDIATLEY.  The zombies never did anything except stand in the swamp up to their necks and look creepy.  FUCKING WEAK.

Plan 9 From Outer Space.

People can say all that they want that this is the WORST film ever made.  But if that really were the case, it would have simply been forgotten long ago, like so many films that are far and wide much worse than this delightfully bad stroke of genius.  Starkwell and Lovelock have been itching to see this one, and I figured it was as good a time as any to introduce them to Ed Wood and his piece de resistance.  After navigating the INSANELY shitty and confusing DVD menu, I eventually think I get the movie started, but then realize that it’s a preview… for the movie I am about to watch.

[...]

[CRISWELL PREDICTS… a news program?]

Starkwell: So Ed Wood invented found footage films?

Lovelock: I don’t know but this credit sequence is totally fucking LIGHTNING.

[...]

Too much has been written about this film and the infamous director for me to dive too deep into the details, but suffice to say, as the story begins to unfold, they are pleasantly confused.

[...]

[People gather at a funeral, grave diggers start digging the grave.]

Lovelock: Lugosi got old.  That makes me sad.  I wish he could have lived forever.

Starkwell: Wait, that voice is a narrator?  I thought it was someone reading the eulogy…

[...]

I can’t explain how much the ‘cockpit of an airplane’ set made them laugh.  And then the flying saucer shot took it over the top and Lovelock shot milk out of his nose.

[...]

[Vampira comes out all zombie-like and does jazz fingers.]

Lovelock: Who was that screaming?

Starkwell: In the movie?  Not sure.  In this room?  Me.

Lovelock: Scared?

Starkwell: Something like that.

[...]

At least Ed Wood understood that without a narrator explaining EVERYTHING, no one could possibly ever understand what in the Hell is going on.  But Vampira is Lugosi’s undead wife, and Lugosi just died.  I don’t know why she killed the grave diggers, but I assume they were the ones who screamed just before.

[...]

[UFO flies by and knocks everyone over.]

Lovelock: “Places everyone, places!!!  One… two… three… JUMP AWKWARDLY DOWN INTO THE GRASS!”

Starkwell: Why didn’t Tor Johnson fall over?

Lovelock: He’s too fat?

[Then Zombie Lugosi and Vampira jazz finger and cape him to death and Lovelock did a jumpkick.]

[...]

Then flying saucers are seen flying over Hollywood, and they show it for five or so minutes.  They repeat “sauces seen over [blank]” about a hundred times, and they keep showing people reading the same headline.  In case it wasn’t clear enough, the narrator is REALLY pounding it into our heads that SAUCERS WERE SEEN OVER BLABLABLA.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m not sure, did anyone else notice the saucers?

[Repetitive stock footage of army things firing stuff.]

Starkwell: I think they did, and it’s certainly taken them a long time to try and hit them.

[Then the saucers get away.]

Lovelock: Good job STOCK FOOTAGE soldiers…

[...]

Sometime after this, we get to see the aliens!  They’re just humans in shiny clothes.  Then one of the alien actors reads from a script that he holds in his hand.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would the head alien have the symbol of an axe on his shirt?

Starkwell: I don’t know, but the mother ship looks like a huge breast.

Lovelock: Well, it IS the mother ship…

[...]

There’s a pilot guy (and his wife) that the story seems to be focused on, and Lugosi shows up to kill her while he is away flying after the saucers.  Actually, I don’t think it’s actually Lugosi, I think it’s a guy covering his face with a cape trying to look like Lugosi, since Lugosi died a couple of years before this film was made, BUT, it’s the Lugosi CHARACTER that is in fact chasing her into the cemetery.

[...]

[Tor Johnson RISES from the grave.]

Lovelock: Worst movie ever MY ASS, did you see that fucking rise from the grave scene?  SWEET SASSY MOLASSEY!

Starkwell: Yeah but…

[Lovelock wasn’t listening, he was too busy playing air guitar.]

[...]

Then the girl is rescued from the side of the road by a cowboy in a Cadillac with the BIGGEST ASS I have ever seen.  Lovelock actually paused it to marvel at just how tight his jeans were.

[...]

Starkwell: I love how obvious it is that Vampira, Tor Johnson and Lugosi were clearly never filmed at the same time, since all the shots of them are of them alone, and seem randomly placed and totally fucking schizophrenic.

[Cut to a shot of Vampira and Tor zombie walking side by side.]

Lovelock: Ed Wood ONE, Starkwell ZERO.

Starkwell: Whatever dude.  That single shot of Lugosi was in the daytime, and now it’s night again IMMEDIATELY.

Lovelock:  Face it, you just suck dude.  You’re the worst and this movie is the best.

[...]

Starkwell: Someone should tell that Detective not to use his loaded pistol like a pointing stick.

[...]

Meanwhile in the Pentagon, stuff happens, and Lovelock and Starkwell continue laughing at this movie.

[...]

[Zombie Tor Johnson turns on the aliens, starts to choke one of them.]

Lovelock: Wait… how was he on the spaceship?

Starkwell: How did throwing the gun on the floor stop him in his tracks?

[So many questions, so few answers.]

Lovelock: The head alien guy is ALWAYS clearly reading off of something.

[...]

I lost track of the plot, or the Plan 9, if you will.  But when Lugosi comes after the whole gang of characters that appear to be having a potluck dinner, laughter was had by all, especially when the Detective stood up, and somehow his chair FLEW, and I mean FLEW, off the set.  It was magical.

[...]

[Detective unloads his gun on Lugosi.]

Lovelock: Why is everyone else just standing there?  Isn’t that guy in army?

[Some kind of electro signal drops Lugosi like a fly and he turns into a pile of bones.]

Starkwell: Um.

[...]

We still are pretty unclear on the Plan.  What is it?  Why is it the ninth?

[...]

[Tor kills a guy by… swinging his arms near them?]

Lovelock: Did the wind of his swing just blow up his head or?

Starkwell: Maybe he just died of a heart attack at the exact time that Tor swung his arms.

Lovelock: Sounds far-fetched.

Starkwell: Seriously?

[...]

Then they find a flying saucer that, when on the ground appears to be rectangular, and basically a house.

[...]

Lovelock: Man, those aliens ROCK that velvet.

[...]

[Alien says “all of you on Earth are idiots”.]

Lovelock: Awesome.  Dude is AWESOME.

[The alien explains that humans are super self destructive and that soon they will develop SOLAR RAY BOMBS that will explode the Universe.]

Lovelock: Stupid men and their stupid minds, STUPID STUPID STUPID.

[...]

Then it gets really crazy, where the aliens refer to God.   Honestly, I feel like maybe the aliens are good guys at this point.  Screw the Earthlings.  After some explosions and some flaming flying saucers, we cut back to the narrator, who we haven’t heard from in a while, and he says that all of this was true OR WAS IT?  What a wild ride.

Strange Behavior.

Another mad scientist pick from the eighties, this one revolves around kids being turned into killers.  It’s been done a few times before, and a few times since.  The issue, usually, with this type of premise is that kids are usually terrible actors and annoying to watch.  So movies, even with a good story, end up being a mixed bag.  I’m sure this will be no different.  I’m pretty sure this may not have a good story either.  The movie opens with a teenager at home alone.  The lights go out and someone kills him, I THINK.  We only see it happening in a shadow. It is the cheesiest looking and sounding death that Lovelock or Starkwell have ever seen and heard.  This is really setting the stage for one wild affair.

[...]

[Single dad and his son, Pete, do their morning routine together and have breakfast.]

Lovelock: Who stands naked in front of their dad like that?

Starkwell: What’s with all of the first person view shots?

Lovelock: Is that old woman the maid?  The place is filthy!  Fire her.

[There were more questions, but I’ll stop for now.]

[...]

As is usually the case with cheap and shitty eighties films, the high school students appear to be played by mostly actors in their twenties and thirties.  Maybe even forties.  I guess there goes my concern about 'annoying kids'.

[...]

[Students watch a creepy film with a scientist who controls a chicken.]

Starkwell: What the hell kind of high school class is that?

Lovelock: Home economics?

Starkwell: They’re not cooking the chicken.

[...]

Then the ‘kids’ go to a costume party at someone’s house, and they all dance to a shitty imitation E.L.O. song.  FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.  There’s even a choreographed part.  It’s kind of creepy to be honest.  In between dancing shots, it shows a hand grabbing a knife from the kitchen drawer.

[...]

Starkwell: Still dancing.

[...]

Lovelock: Still dancing.

[...]

[Dude in a creepy mask kills some teens with a big ol’ knife.]

Lovelock: Obviously where the “Scream” movies got ALL of their ideas.

Starkwell: Uh… ?

[Dude takes mask off after he gets away, it’s the guy from the opening scene that was ‘killed’.]

Lovelock: Wait… is that the guy from the beginning?

Starkwell: No, I think that’s the guy that killed the guy in the opening scene.

Lovelock: I’m confused.

[I’m confused.]

[...]

So Pete apparently works part time at some kind of research lab where they make little kids ride exercise bikes and then play pinball if they pedal for long enough.  He’s there to be a test subject for experimental drugs.

[...]

[Pete takes a behavior modification drug that will enhance his senses and make him a super human.]

Lovelock: It’s like that Bradley Cooper movie, except not as bad.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[...]

Then we get back story on Pete.  He goes on a date and seems to have SUPER SENSES.  Then he bones the girl.  Then some old maid lady finds a dead boy at the house she’s looking after.  But wait the killer is still there!

[...]

[The killer, some young girl this time, that we have never seen, kills the maid.]

Lovelock: Why was she cutting the boy’s hands off?

Starkwell: I’m sure we’ll never find out.

[I’m confused.]

[...]

[Pete goes back to the lab, and they’re injecting him with some shit, and strapping him in  a chair “Clockwork Orange” style.  They inject him IN THE EYE.]

Starkwell: Why would this lab even exist?  Without anyone calling the POLICE?!?

Lovelock: The answer is MAKE BELIEVE.  Anyways, I’ll forgive all the dumbness due to that fantastically gross eye gag.

[...]

Then Pete wakes up and I ASSUME he doesn’t remember anything, since he seems quite calm and not wanting to call the cops.  If he does remember the eye injection and is acting this calmly, then he is, as Starkwell noted, “the biggest idiot in maybe the whole world”.  There’s a whole side story about Pete’s dad, who is a police chief, and APPARENTLY the mad scientist is some kind of super villain that Police Dad had hunted in the past.  Really.

[...]

Starkwell: WHAT A CONFUSING MESS, FUCK YOU, MOVIE.

[Pete pees blood, they show it.]

Lovelock: I don’t feel so good.

[Lovelock passes out.]

Starkwell: Confusing and uncomfortable mess.

[...]

[Police Dad finds a casket in the foundation of his house.]

Lovelock: Why was he looking for that?

Starkwell: I’m certain that I don’t know.  I’m not entirely sure that the film makers know either.

[...]

We do finally get the back story.  The Dad’s girlfriend explained the whole thing to Pete.  Pete seems to understand, I sure don’t.  I guess the Mad Scientist from the chicken video killed Pete’s mom years ago, while she was working for him.  The casket is still not explained.

[...]

[The drugs take hold of Pete, he follows his dad to the lab, and helps the Mad Doctor capture him.]

Starkwell: Why do we care, what the hell?

[Lovelock didn’t say anything.  He’s so confused that I think his brain is actually broken.]

[...]

So under the Mad Scientist spell, Pete cuts himself a couple of times.  Then Mad Scientist orders Pete to kill his father and, THEN PLOT TWIST, Pete stabs the Scientist and says “YOU ARE MY FATHER”.  So I guess Police Dad’s wife was a cheatin’ bitch and this movie plain sucks.  The end.

Dr. Orloff's Monster.

Oddly enough when I try to find this film online, it says the film is actually called “The Mistresses of Dr. Jekyll” and was released in 1964, as opposed to what Netflix is feeding me, “Dr.Orloff’s Monster” from 1967.   What’s even better, is that when I play the film, the title appears in French and coincides with what my INTARWEBS search has given me.  Considering some of the titles that they ‘suggest’ for me, I should have known that accuracy was not Netflix’s strong suit.  This is an earlier Jess Franco picture, and within a few minutes we can already see that he had a very different style than most, even at this time.

[...]

[Old man dies, passes on his research to younger beard man.  The research involves reviving dead people with a high frequency sound.]

Starkwell: Holy Hell, do they need to actually play the sound like that.

[A couple of minutes of the sound goes, dead guy rises.]

Lovelock: Never has Franco’s slow pace made my head hurt this much.

Starkwell: In other news, that was one of the worst looking castles that I have ever seen.

Lovelock: It’s only a model.

Starkwell: Dude that was real.

Lovelock: For reals?

Starkwell: Really.

[...]

The film is full of jagged cuts.  Hard to tell if it is a bad print, or how it actually always was.  But unfortunately any time the scientist uses the zombie to do his bidding we have to hear the high pitched noise.

[...]

[Zombie chokes a stripper after her show.]

Starkwell: Why did they need to choke that stripper?

Lovelock: Did you see her 'show'? Lame.

[...]

[We are introduced to a girl named Melissa, Dr. Fisherman’s niece.]

Starkwell: I feel like something is lost in translation, like what they are saying is not what they are actually saying.

Lovelock: Wait, Beardy is Fisherman?  So where’s Dr. Orloff?  What about Dr. Jekyll?

Starkwell: I don’t know, but I feel like the ‘monster’ is that awful high-pitched noise.

[...]

Melissa goes to see her uncle and he acts all “DON’T GO IN TO MY LAB EVER”.  Alarm bells are ringing, Melissa.  Other than the aunt and uncle fighting and acting weird, not much happens for a while.  Then there’s a long dragged out club scene / musical number.  Well, actually, every scene is long and dragged out.  Oh, and I think he choked the stripper to get a necklace back?  I’m not sure.

[...]

[Fisherman sends his zombie to choke out the woman from the nightclub he just gave another necklace to, and get back the necklace that he just gave her?]

Starkwell: Ok, so Beardy finds nightclub singers and/or strippers that he likes, gives them necklaces, and then kills them and gets the necklace back?

Lovelock: He probably does sex on them in between those two.  I think that’s why he gives her the necklace.

Starkwell: That’s unclear.

Lovelock: Wait, he’s not taking the necklace back?  What a waste.

[...]

The cops are brought in, and realize that the stripper and singer must have had the same killer, since they had similar amateurishly crafted necklaces.  The cops don’t buy the whole “we shot him and it didn’t affect him at all” thing that the club owners are saying happened re: the zombie.  We then find out that the zombie is Melissa’s father.

[...]

Starkwell: I don’t get why he needs to kill the women… It's not like his wife isn't already onto him...

Lovelock: “Mistresses of Dr. Jekyll”?  More like “Dead Ladies of Dr. Fisherman”.

Starkwell: “Dead Ladies of Dr. Fisherman, that’s I’m pretty sure he didn’t even bang”.

Lovelock: “High-Pitched Noise of Professor Fisherman”?

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[High-pitched noise sounds off again for a few minutes.]

Starkwell: I’m fucking done.

[Starkwell’s out.]

Lovelock: He’s not named Orloff or Jekyll, and he has no actual mistresses… Just bitches he gives shit to and then chokes with the help of his zombie and super computer high pitched dog whistle.

[Wait… Dr. Orloff was the old dead guy from the beginning?]

Lovelock: I must have missed that.  Wait, did that cop say “robutt”?  The ZOMBIE is a RO-BUTT.

[...]

Holy shit, boring.  It goes on for what feels like forever, after zombie dad gets a few more chokes in and even punches a woman in the face.  There’s a scene where zombie dad and Melissa stare at each for like fifteen minutes.  She brings him to a hotel and all of the cops shoot the shit out of his head.  The end.  Or as they say at the end of this film “Fin”.  Or as Lovelock says “you know what? Fuck you, movie”. What a mess.