The Crow: City of Angels.

It’s difficult to even ask Starkwell and Lovelock to watch a sequel to “The Crow”.  Will the sequel destroy the pleasant memories that they had of the first film?  Will it just make them miss Brandon Lee even more than they already do?  Given that the film is directed by a music video director, and that this was his one and only foray into 'actual' film… things don’t look so good.  BUT!  BUT!  The writer, David S. Goyer, would later go on to pen movies like “Dark City”, and the Christopher Nolan reboot series of Batman films.  So, there is still some hope that this will turn out alright in the end.  Goyer started his career writing Van Damme movies, and look where he ended up… maybe this was the turning point.  We’ll see.

[...]

[Girl wakes up in her super loft with Gabriel the Cat.]

Starkwell: So, that’s the girl from the first movie?

Lovelock: I guess she isn’t blonde anymore, also, she’s… a hooker?  That helps street kids?

Starkwell: If she wants to help street kids, it might help if she didn’t look stoned out of her mind.

Lovelock: Or like so much of a hooker.

[...]

Then it cuts to some gang of bad dudes, and a flashback of them drowning a dude and his son in a river.  All the usual stereotypes are there.  Creepy Asian woman, strung out dude with a goatee, red-haired guy with a camcorder, a naked Black Guy taking a hot shower and, of course, Iggy Pop… you know, the usuals.  I don’t mean someone that looks like Iggy Pop.  It’s actually Iggy Pop.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course she’s a tattoo artist.

Starkwell: Of course they call her “The Mistress of Pain”.

[...]

The girl playing Sarah, actress Mia Kirshner, seems to be approaching the Sara character with that, as Starkwell put it, “Zooey Deschanel style of acting”… which according to him basically means to constantly “look spaced out, scared, confused and bored at the same time all the time, also, to do it in a very hammy way.  Fuck you.”  This was before Zooey’s time though, so I guess she was paving the way for that kind of acting.

[...]

[Drowned Dude, named Ash, wakes up and emerges from the water like a Cirque du Soleil performer.]

Starkwell: How is he doing that exactly?

Lovelock: Is that the Crow or Criss Angel or Alegria?

Starkwell: Is there really a difference?

Lovelock: Compared to Brandon’s rise from the grave, that was wicked lame.

[...]

Then there’s a weird scene where Iggy Pop is dancing to an old Stooges song, and all around him topless women are licking each other.  There was some dialogue, but all that Lovelock and Starkwell took from the scene is that Iggy Pop sucks at acting, or at least that he didn’t care to try for the duration of this film.

[...]

[In a flashback, we find out that Ash’s kid wandered out in the street to witness a murder, and that was why they were both killed.]

Starkwell: What kind of kid runs out into the street when he hears gunfire?

Lovelock: A dead kid.

Starkwell: Dude, harsh.

Lovelock: And that’s why I don’t have kids.

Starkwell: Yeah… that’s why.

[...]

There’s a montage of Ash getting his gear on, and it’s as long as it is pointless.  There really isn’t very much character development, and by the time Ash finds the first gang member and explodes him, Starkwell already declared “seriously, who cares?” several times. It looks like Lovelock cares a little, because he does like exploding bad guys.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie feels like the movie that “The Asylum” would have made to coincide with the release of the original Crow movie, if “The Asylum” existed at the time.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock had a good laugh when they realized that the camera wielding red head was actually just Tom Jane in a bad wig and “Clockwork Orange” makeup.  But then the scene transitioned into a horribly awkward scene where he was jerking off at a nudey booth and the laughter stopped completely and forever .

[...]

[Iggy Pop finds Tom Jane dead in the nudey booth.  The Stooges play.  Again.]

Lovelock: Hey audience, look it’s Iggy Pop!  Let’s remind you every chance we get!

Starkwell: As if somehow landing Iggy Pop for the prestigious role of “Second in Command Bad Guy” adds credibility to your shitty movie.

Lovelock: It would be nice to have a theme song though, in real life... mine would be the song from "The Littlest Hobo".

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: That's Hobo-Style!!

[...]

[Sarah paints in her enormous loft.]

Starkwell: Nobody owns that many candles, let alone has them all lit all the time.

[...]

[The score from the original film plays as Ash pulls his dead son out of the water and buries him.]

Starkwell: If they were trying to remind us of how much better the first film was… MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

[...]

Then Ash fights the Creepy Asian Woman and it’s one of the slowest and lamest looking fights ever.  Starkwell got up and left half way through saying “well, I’ve seen enough”.  Lovelock said he was sticking around to “see if they explode Iggy Pop while ‘The Stooges’ play in the background.”  Eventually there was an explosion involving Iggy Pop and his motorcycle, but no “Stooges”.

[...]

[Boss Man Judas kills crow, drinks its blood and apparently gains super powers?]

Lovelock: Well… that’s new… Also, lame.

[...]

[Ash impales Judas on a pipe, and then shoots a million crows out of his body right at Judas and disintegrates him and then the black energy (?) of Judas is carried away by said million crows.]

Lovelock: … Umm…

[...]

Anyways, Sarah dies, but at least Gabriel the cat lives.  In conclusion, from the writing, to the directing, to the visuals and set design, to the acting, and even to THE SOUNDTRACK… all of this feels like a very terrible remake of the first film.  An unnecessary remake made immediately after the first film was released.  This is just a shitty bullshit inferior imitation, with none of the heart, balls or talent of the original.  I guess it took Goyer a few tries before he was able to write something like “The Dark Knight”.  Yuck.

Tales of Terror.

Once again I have taken on the task of showing an anthology film to Starkwell and Lovelock.  As is the case with other anthology films, I need to delicately explain to Lovelock that not ALL of the segments will necessarily deal with zombies.  Interestingly, this Roger Corman picture not only features Vincent Price, but was partly written by Richard Matheson, who, notably, wrote “I Am Legend” upon which a bunch of movies have been based.  These facts were enough to reassure Lovelock in the face of a potential lack of zombieness.

[...]

[Opens with a heartbeat, a flashing image of a heart and Vincent Price’s creepy voice.]

Lovelock: They could show ninety minutes of this and it would be one of the more frightening films I’ve ever seen.

Starkwell: Might cause seizures though.

Lovelock: Yeah.  And pants shitting.

[...]

The first segment is “Morella”.  Vincent Price successfully plays an old bitter man who blames his daughter for the death of his wife, who died months after giving birth.

[...]

[Lenora finds her dead mother who apparently Price has been keeping all this time, in a bed, decomposing and gross.]

Starkwell: Impressive make-up job.

Lovelock: I’ll be MORE impressed if she gets up and walks.

Starkwell: There is more to movies than the walking dead, you know…

Lovelock: Well that’s a dumb thing to say.

[...]

Price admits that he wanted to throw Lenora out the window when she was a baby and Lovelock was like “dude that’s fucked.”

[...]

[Ghost of Morella possesses Lenora, chokes Price, and the house burns down.]

Starkwell: Good enough?

Lovelock: I’ll accept it.

[...]

Second segment is “The Black Cat”.  Peter Lorre plays the Old Drunk Montresor.

[...]

[Old Drunk threatens to kick the head in of a black cat, destroys the house looking for hidden money.]

Lovelock: Man, fuck this guy.  What did the kitty ever do to you?

[...]

[Old Drunk wakes up to a purring cat on his chest, he throws him!]

Lovelock: Come on, man!  The little guy is probably just hungry.

Starkwell: Peter Lorre plays a good drunk, though.

Lovelock: That`s no excuse for kitten tossing.

[...]

[Introducing Vincent Price as wine aficionado Fortunato Luchresi.]

Lovelock: CLEARLY Price was hoping to get the Academy Award for Best Moustache, 1962.

Starkwell: I don’t think that’s a real award.

Lovelock: It should be.

[Next scene, his moustache looks completely different.]

Starkwell: It’s a fake!  Disqualified.

[Later…]

Lovelock: Dude, I think you’re wrong… that looks real.  Besides, who else could compete with him?  It would be years before Burt Reynolds would win every year.

[...]

[Montresor chains up Fortunato and his wife and seals them in the house’s crawl space behind a brick wall.]

Starkwell: I might not think he deserves the Moustache Oscar, but Vincent Price deserves the Lifetime Achievement Award for performing “laugh-to-cry”s better than anyone else ever.

[Drunk at the bar Montresor admits he killed his wife.]

[...]

[Dream sequence wherein Fortunato and Wife break through the brick wall, rip off Montresor’s head and play catch with it.]

Starkwell: Might be the creepiest scene ever.

[...]

Anyways the cops come to investigate the house, and it turns out that Montresor sealed the Black Cat behind the wall, so, obviously, the cops find out what he did.

[...]

Lovelock: Boom!  Kitty saves the day.  Take that, LASSIE!

[...]

The third segment is “The Case of M. Valdemar”.  Price plays a dying M. Valdemar who wants to be hypnotized by Dr. James so that he won’t feel any pain as he approaches his imminent death, from some incurable disease.

[...]

Starkwell: See, now his moustache is all grey and flaky… I really think it may be a fake.

Lovelock: Whatever dude.  Groucho Marx won a whole slew of moustache awards in his day and his was painted on.  I think there are different criteria that they judge upon.

Starkwell: You realize that you’ve created a whole alternate reality, a fantasy if you will, in which there is an annual and quite prestigious Moustache Award given out to entertainers?

Lovelock: If that’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[...]

Anyways, Valdemar is hypnotized as he dies, and seems to be stuck in between life and death.  The Hypnotist tries to use his ‘control’ over Valdemar to get Valdemar’s young and sexy wife to make the sex with him.  But then a melty and decomposing Valdemar rises from the bed and kills the Hypnotist.  Starkwell stands up to applaud while Lovelock simultaneously gets up to do a jump kick.  He ends up kicking Starkwell in the head and falls on the ground and hits hit head on the coffee table.  With the two unconscious on the floor… I run away.

Dead Clowns.

Well, coulrophobia, or the FEAR OF CLOWNS, seems to be relatively common.  Personally I think most people are full of shit and just saying that they are afraid of clowns, but that is neither here nor there.  If clowns were actually some kind of undead demons trying to kill me, well, yeah, I’d be afraid of clowns.  I don’t know how much this movie owes to “Killer Clowns”, but I’ll let Starkwell and Lovelock find out.

[...]

[Some Dudes prepare for a hurricane.]

Starkwell: Is it necessary to show him boarding up every window, while the other guy does a puzzle?

Lovelock: It keeps us on the edge of our seat.  Wait, did I say ‘edge of our seat’?  I meant BORED.  It keeps us bored.

Starkwell: Well, at least the acting sucks.

[...]

After nearly twenty-five minutes, all we’ve really established is that there is a hurricane coming and that fifty years ago a bunch of clowns died in a previous hurricane.  That’s about it.  There are some characters, but I can’t see that anyone could possibly give a shit about them.

[...]

Starkwell: Thank you, STOCK FOOTAGE of hurricanes.

[...]

[Clowns slowly rise up out of the ocean floor.]

Lovelock: Admittedly, that was kind of creepy.

Starkwell: I feel like using clowns is a bit of a cop out… it’s such an easy way to make shit creepy.

Lovelock: This movie needs more of stuff like in this scene, and less of everything else in this movie.

[...]

[Girl with huge boobs is attacked by zombie clowns.]

Starkwell: I’ll bet they hired her for her acting.

Lovelock: I kind of wish they’d stop interrupting the shots of decomposing clowns looking gross and scary with stock footage of hurricanes.

Starkwell: Seriously, is this a movie about zombie clowns or a documentary about hurricanes?

[...]

They show hurricane stock footage between every other line of dialogue.

[...]

[Clown kills middle-aged woman… I think.]

Starkwell: Nobody screams in this movie.

Lovelock: I can tell you, if I came face to face with a zombie clown holding a bloody hammer, I’d probably scream, and maybe pee or poo a little.

Starkwell: Maybe the whole thing was filmed in an apartment complex and they were trying to keep the noise down.

Lovelock: That, or they were worried that if they did scream, a neighbor would call the cops.

[Cut back to Wheelchair Guy in house, clowns try to get into his house.]

Lovelock: Please, for the love of God, SEND IN THE CLOWNS.

Starkwell: Something needs to happen.

[Wheelchair Guy drives a drill into a clown and it IMMEDIATELY cuts to stock footage of a hurricane.]

Lovelock: I’m really surprised you’re still here.

Starkwell: I can’t explain it... I feel I need to stay.

[...]

So there are two other characters that are travelling serial killers or something, and, yeah well, this shit is crazy boring.  Where are the clowns?

[...]

Starkwell: If you like hurricane footage and uninteresting lame characters, you’ll love “Dead Clowns”.

[...]

The main focus of the story seems to be the hurricane and the travelling killers.  The Killers break into a woman’s house and tie her up, she explains the clown story to them.  This is the second time that we, the audience, have heard this story.  THE ENTIRE STORY.

[...]

Starkwell:  They’ve spent more time talking about the clowns than they have showing the clowns.

Lovelock: SEND IN THE CLOWNS.

Starkwell: The actors are being so quiet all the time... was this filmed in a library?

[...]

Everything in this movie is needlessly drawn out.  Even the shot of the clown ripping out a girl’s eyeball and eating it is RUINED by the slow pace.  If they were trying to make an homage to other deliberately paced aquatic based zombie films like "Zombie Lake" or "Oasis", mission accomplished.  I just realized that both Starkwell and Lovelock have fallen asleep.  No one in this movie ever looks scared.  In fact they never look anything.  It is the most wooden acting you will ever see.  

[...]

Starkwell: Is that a clown or Skeletor?

Lovelock: I’m just glad things are happening.

Starkwell: But nothing is happening.

Lovelock: That’s not entirely true… the hurricane footage is ACTION PACKED.

[...]

[Zombie clown cuts off a guy’s arm and eats it.  This takes five minutes.]

Lovelock: How come we can hear the chewing sounds so loudly but not his screams?

Starkwell: Because “fuck you audience”, that’s why.

[...]

Anyways, there are some genuinely creepy moments in this film, but they come in at the eighty minute mark of a ninety minute movie, and even then, they are seriously dragged out.  How much chewing and slurping do we really need to hear?  As stupid as the premise is, if it had been executed with more competence, I think it could have been one to remember.  As it stands, it is one to forget.

Demoniacs.

There’s not a whole lot I can do for Starkwell and Lovelock to help them prepare for a Jean Rollin film.  They already know to expect a slow pace, a heavy dose of weirdness, and, obviously, many tits.  Will this one exceed their expectations?  Meet expectations?  Only deliver the aforementioned tits?  Who knows?  Well, they will soon.  As is the case with all releases from “REDEMPTION”, before the film even starts, we are presented with an opening of a naked gigantic fake boobied woman, covered in blood and being bitten by what we can only assume is a vampire lesbian of some kind.  It always succeeds in setting the bar so high.

[...]

[We are introduced to some pirates...  We get a headshot of all of them, one at a time.]

Lovelock: It’s like the Brady Bunch!

Starkwell: Except that they, you know, rape and kill people.

Lovelock: A minor difference.

[...]

[The pirates look around the dark beach with lanterns, for several minutes.]

Starkwell: Sooo… I guess we’re trying to establish that it’s dark… and they need lanterns.

Lovelock: Hey, Rollin… we get it.

[...]

Then they found a treasure chest, slowly examined a necklace, which the captain gave to his wench, the female pirate.  Then he felt her breasts for a while.

[...]

[Two of the pirates find two confused women walking the beach in night gowns.]

Starkwell: What’s a Rollin film without a long, drawn out, awkward, uncomfortable rape sequence?

Lovelock: Is the answer “a better movie”?

Starkwell: Obviously while the two pirates rape and kill the Night Gown Girls, the Captain’s Wench dances naked on a rock.

[Then the Captain gets naked and they bone on that very rock.]

Starkwell: Good luck with this one.

[Starkwell leaves.]

[...]

Seriously, it takes like TEN MINUTES before the pirates finally just finish killing the Night Gown Girls.  In that time, we got to see naked Captain ass, and a bunch of simulated sex and/or rape.

[...]

Lovelock: Jesus Christ, I hope it was simulated.

[...]

It immediately cuts to a bar, the Captain is hungover, and a bunch of pirates are hanging out doing what pirates do, you know, licking exposed female nipples and dancing to lame accordion music.  Starkwell came back, because he wanted to know what Lovelock was laughing so hard about.  He decided to stay.

[...]

[The Captain sees apparitions of the Night Gown Girls as they apparently haunt him in the bar.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never drink.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well, that and the calories.

[...]

[Blood drips from above onto the Captain’s hands.]

Lovelock: Why would the Night Gown Girls pour tomato juice onto the… oh wait… I see what that was supposed to look like.

Starkwell: Sharp.

[...]

The woman who runs the brothel seems to know about all sots of crazy mythology about the surrounding islands… also, for some reason, seems to have authority over the Captain.  Then the Captain FLIPS OUT and gets in a knife fight with another pirate… Starkwell and Lovelock laughed so hard that they actually started having trouble breathing.

[...]

Lovelock: Is that a sculpture of a naked woman with her legs spread hanging on the wall?  The boobs are all crooked and the artist made the vagina HUGE.  It's absolutely frightening.

Starkwell: Obviously, the bar fight was broken up by the Queen of the Brothel playing piano and singing nautical songs.

Lovelock: What year is this supposed to be, because that dude’s bell bottoms are out of this world, and seemingly quite advanced for this era of pirates?

[...]

As is the norm with much of what they have seen of Rollin's films, Starkwell had to at least commend him on the locations he used.  “The shipyard is magnificent”, says Starkwell.  But then, without skipping a beat adding in a “too bad it doesn’t help speed this shit up to at least a 'molasses' pace.”

[...]

[The pirates go back to finish off the Night Gown Girls.]

Starkwell: Wait, they aren’t dead?

Lovelock: Considering all that they’ve been through, their white gowns are surprisingly clean.

Starkwell: They just don’t make night gowns like they used to.

[Captain’s Wench fights the Night Gown Girls.  Loses.]

Starkwell: Obviously her boobs come out of her shirt.

[...]

Shit stops making sense around this point.  Wench is hurt, and then she isn’t.  She’s yelling, but then she’s passed out.  Captain is carrying her at night, and then suddenly she is chasing the Night Gown Girls in daylight.  It is a hot mess.

[...]

Starkwell: Obviously she is in the water, and her boobs are out of her shirt.

Lovelock: Look at those things… could you keep them in a shirt?

[...]

The Night Gown Girls are suddenly in a courtyard and there is a woman in clown makeup with a red afro prancing around.  She leads them somewhere.  It takes a good few minutes to get there.  We get to see all of these 'few minutes'.  It’s around this point that none of us understood what the hell was going on anymore.  I’d say something is being lost in translation, but we all speak French.  I guess we don’t speak Rollin.

[...]

[Night Gown Girls get a change of clothes.  Shorter Night Gowns.]

Starkwell: Were they not offered pants?

Lovelock: The actresses?  By Rollin? Probably not.

Starkwell: Well, I meant the characters, but, yeah… good point.

[...]

Then there was a scene where the Wench played with her breasts while the Captain cuddled and kissed a stuffed and mounted seagull sitting next to him on the desk.  He ripped the head off of the seagull, wrestled the now completely naked and screaming Wench, and then, they had sex.  Starkwell just left again.  It has been one hour and nothing has happened.  Unless, of course, you count Starkwell leaving the room twice.  Also, many sexy stuffs which, unfortunately, has not been sexy.

[...]

[Night Gown Girls get naked and walk towards the cell holding some dude.  Is it Satan?  Let's call him Mystery Man.  They are apparently going to trade their souls for super powers... I think...]

Lovelock: You would think it would be difficult to make naked women THIS boring.  But, alas, here we are.

[...]

Lovelock: In an ideal world, Paul Naschy would play half of the characters in this movie.  Also, the movie would only be twenty minutes long.

[...]

Lovelock: I wonder if in the script, it says stuff like “Character walks three feet, this should take roughly seventeen minutes.”

Starkwell: “Mystery Man has sex with each Night Gown Girl.  Show small amounts of Mystery Man’s limp side peen.”

Lovelock: You’re back?

Starkwell: A thousand times no.  But, I forgot my phone.  Later.

[...]

So, yeah, after the girls have the orgasm they are now SUPER POWERED WITH DEVIL JUICE and out for revenge.  Maybe now something will happen.  Good thing there is only twenty minutes left and it took seventy minutes to get here.

[...]

[Night Gown Girls show up in the bar and have a staring contest with the pirates.]

Lovelock: Oh for the love of shitballs, can something please just fucking happen?!??!?! Make Bosco’s head explode! Hammer someone’s face! Make the Captain melt!  SOMETHING!

[...]

[The Night Gown Girls make statues fall towards Wench in the courtyard.]

Lovelock: Totally where Lucas got the idea for the force.

[Starkwell wasn’t around to call him an idiot.]

[...]

Then the Wench was sort of crushed by a Jesus statue, but then like, was breathing heavily, then the clown was back and she was dying for some reason, and the Gown Girls started washing her makeup off, and then like random Priest dude is dead and Mystery Man is there and lost his power? Wench is alive?  I think… Fuck… I give up.

[...]

Lovelock: You wouldn’t think someone could confuse an audience so much by having so little happen.  But, alas, here we are.

[...]

Lovelock’s favorite part came near the end, when a drunken pirate tripped on the beach, landed head first into a gigantic empty bottle of alcohol he was carrying, and immediately died.  I think it was just refreshing to see something happen fast, instead of, as Lovelock put it, “PAINFULLY FOREVER SLOW”, which perfectly describes the entire movie.  Anyways, in the end, the Night Gown Girls still end up dying.  But not before Rollin shows the pirates raping them one last time.  And then Captain is possessed and kills everyone?  I think.

[...]

Lovelock: So essentially, the super powers that Mystery Man gave them, was ability to move a few statues, kind of survive ONE stabbing, and then, basically die.

Starkwell: You forgot BORING THE AUDIENCE.

Lovelock: Oh also... SUCKING!

Starkwell: Double Entendre for the win.

[Now they both left.]

[...]

I mean, what good movie DOESN’T END with a parade of random monks whom we have never seen before, followed by five whole minutes of the tide rising over a naked dead woman?  All of them you say?  You’d be right.  In conclusion, Rollin probably really drown that woman.

House II: The Second Story.

“House II: The Second Story” was written and directed by Ethan Wiley, who actually penned the screenplay for the first “House” movie.  Normally when I see these types of movies that I fear will be “sequel in name only”, I get real scared.  But at least the original writer is back in this case.  That this was one of the last movies of his career, outside of the FIFTH instalment of "Children of the Corn", could in fact mean that this won’t deliver on the same level as the first.  The guys have agreed to give it a shot, after mentally lowering the bar quite a bit.  Although this will certainly help the film, it remains to be seen whether or not it will still manage to disappoint even with such mediocre expectations.

[...]

[Quick Draw Cowboy Zombie kills some people in the House, 25 years ago.]

Starkwell: That is definitely not the same house.

Lovelock: It’s the 'Second Story', not the same story.  I do wish that Norm still lived across the street, though.

[...]

Then we are introduced to the main character Jesse, his girlfriend and their WACKY friends who come to crash their party at the house.  Anyways, it’s all very eighties.  Then Jesse and Other Dude Named Charlie go dig up Jesse’s Grandfather’s corpse… on a hunch?  Starkwell loses his mind.

[...]

[Zombie Grandfather comes out of the grave, and starts talking to them.]

Starkwell: He seems like a sweet old man.

Lovelock: Right… now that he stopped trying to strangle them.

Starkwell: They seem strangely calm, considering they are talking to a zombie… who just tried to kill them.

Lovelock: Well he is a sweet old coot… listen to him… “Call me Gramps!” Awww… how cute.

[...]

Then there was a scene where Charlie let Gramps drive Jesse’s sportscar.  And GEE WILLICKERS, WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT, HE DONE CRASHED IT.  Aw-HeeYUCK.  Anyways, after that, it cut to a shot of Charlie getting tanked with Gramps, and then back to them driving… drunk.

[...]

Lovelock: I think more movies need to feature drunk-driving hillbilly zombies that, though they’ve never seen a car before, know EXACTLY how to drive it.  And drive stick, no less.

Starkwell: I really don’t think the average movie could pull that off.

Lovelock: Name a movie.

Starkwell: "Miracle on 34th Street".

Lovelock: Pfff… EASY.  Santa is actually dead and a zombie and from the south and has been stuck in the North Pole for like a hundred years.  Then he comes back to civilization and gets all crazy.  And the reason he’s in court is for his drunk driving.  The end.

Starkwell: But you just changed the whole movie.  And none of it made any sense.

Lovelock: Changed?  More like improved.  Santa Claus in court?  Come on.  Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Starkwell: Seriously dude?  The remake?

[...]

Then Bill Maher comes in playing a record company guy of some kind, there to check out the bimbo woman that is sleeping with Charlie, who is apparently a musician.  Maher is sporting that fantastic late eighties haircut / mullet that pretty much EVERY stand-up comedian had at that time.  But, I digress, there are an awful lot of “Encino Man” style jokes, where the old Zombie Gramps is all like "what's that? I never seen nothin' like that before" or “all these channels and there ain’t nothin’ on.”  Problem is, just the idea of TV should be making his head explode.  He’s been dead for one hundred and fifty years.  Unfortunately, Starkwell’s head is the only one exploding, due to INSANELY HUGE  PLOT HOLES.  Any movie that makes Lovelock refer to a Pauly Shore movie as ‘more believable’ is in a lot of trouble.

[...]

[Random Dude with huge muscles emerges from the study, steals shiny crystal skull, runs away with it.]

Starkwell: Who the fuck was that?

Lovelock: The Ultimate Warrior… I think…

[...]

Jesse and Charlie now charged into the study, chasing the Ultimate Warrior.  They do so armed with machine guns... somehow... and they start randomly shooting everywhere in the study, which has now become an endless jungle.  With dinosaurs in it.  Ultimate Warrior is about to stab Charlie when he is eaten by a big mole creature of some kind.  Then a pterodactyl steals the crystal skull and puts it in its nest… with its eggs.  Obviously Jesse has to climb up a huge tree now to retrieve the crystal skull.  Look out for the baby pterodactyl!  Puppet!  He falls and they all end up back in the basement.  But then a weird worm-dog is humping Charlie’s leg.  He’s so cute?  Zombie Gramps is feeding it beer from a bottle?

[...]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

[...]

This speechlessness continued for the next forever minutes.  Mexican Warriors came out of the fireplace to beat the shit outta Gramps, and they still remain speechless and confused.  But then, something broke the silence.

[...]

[Cliff from Cheers, playing Bill the electrician, shows up.]

Starkwell: Wait… so Norm was the nosy neighbour in the first one, and now Cliff's the intrusive electrician?

Lovelock: I can’t wait for "House 3", with Shelly Long playing a retired Drag Queen.

[...]

[Bill finds a gateway to another dimension... in the wall.]

Starkwell: Obviously he isn’t shocked by it.

Lovelock: Obviously he has a sword hidden in his toolbox around for just such an occasion.

Starkwell: The occasion being, accompanying two strangers into another dimension armed with swords, on a mission to retrieve a crystal skull?

Lovelock: What other occasion could there be?

[...]

The three characters eventually find some kind of temple where a woman is about to be sacrificed.  They stop the sacrifice, and the film appears to be sort of trying to parody “Temple of Doom”.  Starkwell then notes “ironically, this film has a Crystal Skull, which […]”  I’m sure you know where he was going with that.  Anyways, just as the whole family was sitting down for a nice Sunday dinner (Jesse, Zombie Gramps, Charlie, Worm-Dog, Baby Pterodactyl and Mexican Virgin) Slim Razor, Gramps’ old nemesis, rises up out of the lettuce in the party platter in the center of the table.  Jesse chases him around the house, they fight and shit.

[...]

[Jesse blows Slim’s head off, with six shotgun shots.]

Lovelock:  … zombie horse… pterodactyl… Mexican virgin… head explosions… puppets… can’t process the awesome…

Starkwell: … zombie horse… pterodactyl… Mexican virgin… head explosions… puppets… can’t process the anger…

[...]

Anyways, the cops come and the place eventually gets set on fire, but not before Jesse takes his crystal skull, baby pterodactyl, slime-dog and dead zombie grampa through a gateway to the wild west.  Looks like Charlie and Mexican Virgin are there too!  Everyone time travels!

[...]

Starkwell: Wait does that mean he IS his grandfather?

Lovelock: Shngrfluh-guhdweee…

[...]

And with that, Lovelock’s brain was finally broken.

Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill.

The bulk of his career has been spent as a cinematographer, but in 2004, Byron Werner decided to try his hand at directing a zombie film.  If you group together all the people in the world that have only ever directed ONE movie, I bet at least fifty percent of them made zombie movies.  Why is that?  While I ponder that question, no doubt Starkwell and Lovelock will be asing themselves a million questions about a film that will probably turn out to be a hot mess.  Welcome to “Death Valley”.  Don’t tell the guys, but this is yet another Asylum production.  Seriously, how many zombie movies have they made?  Probably one for every two-headed shark movie that they've made.  How many of them are on Netflix?

[...]

[Drug dealer Dude is being chased by Female cop.  Worst music ever recorded plays.]

Starkwell: Did the movie start or is this a music video for a band that I hope has already stopped making music forever?

Lovelock: What’s with all of the lame gimmicky camera stuff? The flashy cuts, speed up slow down, grainylook, FILTERS!  SEPIA TONE!

Starkwell: Well he is a cinematographer, maybe he’s trying to do everything in the book within the first five minutes.  You know like when a drummer releases a solo album and it’s all drum heavy and shit?

Lovelock:  I guess.  Holy shit, the bad music is STILL PLAYING.  It’s been like five minutes.

[...]

Eventually the lame “rock” music stopped and was replaced by an enormously over the top and out of place orchestral score.

[...]

[Dealer arrives in ghost town, goes to bar, sees a zombie bartender, IMMEDIATELY SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD.]

Starkwell: So… there was no “hey are you alright buddy”?

Lovelock: Nope... it was more like “GROSS! FUCKING SHOOT IT.”

[Dealer dies, Bloody Bill rips his throat out.]

Starkwell: So what was the point of any of that?  Why show the cop chasing him?

Lovelock: Oh god I hope that’s the end of the movie.

[Lame opening credits start.  EVEN WORSE MUSIC THAN BEFORE.]

Starkwell: HELLLPPPPPP!!!!!!  Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp…

[...]

Then we are introduced to a debate team.  The coach looks younger than the students, and the students all look like they’d never be on a debate team.  Then they drive off for a debate competition and MORE MUSIC PLAYS!  But wait!  They get hijacked!  By the Dealer dude’s partner!  More music!  And obviously Criminal 2 takes them to ghost town / sunset valley / death valley.

[...]

[Nerdy Guy says he’s heard of this place, that it has more than just ghosts.]

Starkwell: How would he know about this place?

Lovelock: Maybe he’s a magician.

[Original Dealer Dude jumps out at them, warns them, then turns all KERAZY then tries to eat Nerdy Guy.]

Starkwell: When Bloody Bill ripped out Dealer Dude's throat earlier in the movie, did he replace it with an amplifier and an effects pedal?  Because his voice is a little off…

Lovelock: Maybe he's a ventriloquist.

[...]

Then there was a big zombie montage, and to my surprise, Lovelock hated it.  Hated it times a million.  Uh oh, looks like Starkwell just left.  Just in time to miss Nerdy Guy recount the legend of Bloody Bill, and for the director to show the WORST flashback scene ever.  The director was going for that “FAKE GRAINY DAMAGED OLD FILM LOOK”, but it was so overdone, that you couldn’t see anything that was happening.

[...]

Lovelock: Dude, fucking fast forward.

[...]

Over the course of the next forever, the only good thing that Lovelock had to say about the movie was “at least they stopped playing the shitty rock songs and doing the whole ‘it’s a movie AND a music video’ thing”.  That statement was only true for about five more minutes.  Because then they started shooting zombies and it was all like “baby baby are you ready rock yeah ooh yeah baby baby”… So  ANYWAYS... everyone dies and then Nerdy Girl cuts off Bloody Bill’s head with a sword.  And then she walks off into the desert.

[...]

Lovelock: Maybe she’ll see the cop from the beginning.  Hopefully they were saving that for a sequel.  Not.

[...]

The ending credits start rolling and Lovelock ran away top speed before he could hear even one note of what would certainly be the worst song ever.  There are about six or seven songs in this movie, and according to Lovelock “they might be the six or seven worst songs I’ve ever heard”.  Maybe it’s just because he hated the movie so much.

The Crow.

Undead ass kicker out for revenge.  Who could ask for more?  It is time for Lovelock and Stakwell to witness Brandon Lee’s swan song, and see if they end up asking for more.  Considering that there were a bunch of sequels made, I guess someone asked for more.  One thing is certain, we all wanted more Brandon Lee.

[...]

[Girl explains The Crow legend.]

Lovelock: How can a young girl have a voice that scratchy?  She sounds like a fifty year old chain smoker.

Starkwell: Hopefully she doesn’t narrate too much of this.

Lovelock: Holy shit!  Ernie Hudson!

Starkwell: Aw man, she’s narrating again.

Lovelock: It’s ok, Brandon’s coming soon.  I can feel it.

[...]

ERIC DRAVEN RISES FROM THE GRAVE!!!  Lovelock took out a pair of nunchuks he had stashed under the couch cushion and started swinging them around.  It was all fun and games until he hit himself in the nuts.  But at least when Draven had his awful rape/murder flashbacks followed by his good-times-with-shelly flashbacks, Lovelock had an excuse for why he was crying.

[...]

Starkwell: The soundtrack does date the movie a little.

Lovelock: A little?

Starkwell: Ok, a lot.

Lovelock: Still, somehow it works.

[...]

[Crow sees thug, Draven sees what crow sees.]

Lovelock: I’d have trouble being The Crow, because I hate birds.

Starkwell: Never mind the whole HORRIBLE DEATH AND QUEST FOR REVENGE.

Lovelock: Well, yeah that sucks too, but birds really freak me out.

[...]

Both Starkwell and Lovelock seemed to be enjoying the movie.  Pretty dark stuff.  They were very excited for Draven to keep killing more dudes.  Hopefully he’d kill Darla, our new favourite person to hate.

[...]

Starkwell: “At least he didn’t do any of that, ‘walkin’ against the wind’ shit.”  Best line ever.

[...]

We get a little more back story into why they were targeted a year ago.  It all makes us hate the bad guys even more.  There’s a certain cheesiness to the movie, but somehow it works.  Like an old grindhouse pic or a bad kung fu movie.

[...]

[Draven plays guitar solo on the roof.  Trashes guitar.]

Lovelock: Not bad.  Would have been cooler if he was playing insane drone or doom metal or something.

Starkwell: He’s kind of the coolest super hero ever.

[...]

They put it to a vote and decided that the worst character is the Asian Half Sister.  She sucks.

[...]

[Crazy John Woo-esque all out gun frenzy.]

Lovelock: I’m. So. Happy.

[...]

[Draven is about to go back to the afterlife to be with his lady, but notices that Sarah was taken.]

Lovelock: Aw man… see, if it wasn’t for the stupid kid, he’d already be in Happy Land.

Starkwell: Whatever, he needs to kill these dudes.

[Crow is shot, Draven is vulnerable, but in comes ERNIE FUCKING HUDSON!!!!!]

Lovelock: Who you gonna call!?!?!?!?!

[...]

Then Lovelock made up and sang some song about Ernie Hudson.  I think he mentioned “No Escape” at one point.

[...]

[Crow pecks out Asian Half Sister’s eyes.]

Lovelock: And that’s why I have an irrational fear of birds.  That could totally happen.

Starkwell: Whatever you say man… I’m just glad she’s dead.

[...]

Then Draven basically goes all Spock Mind Meld on the bad guy and his brain explodes and he gets impaled on a cross.  It’s awesome and Lovelock and Starkwell cheered.  Draven and Shelly are reunited and everything is awesome fantastic.  It does end on another Young Girl Sarah narration, which annoys Starkwell, but not enough to ruin the experience.

Dead Snow.

It’s not often that I get the chance to have a look at what Norwegian horror cinema is all about.  So, given the opportunity to show 2009’s “Dead Snow” to Lovelock and Starkwell, needless to say, I jumped at the aforementioned opportunity.  Along with “Outpost”, this is one of the fewer recent Nazi Zombie movies that I can think of, and promises to be a lot of fun, even if Lovelock is already complaining about the subtitles, before we’ve even hit play.

[...]

[Girl runs through snowy woods, away from some kind of monster.]

Starkwell: It’s been a while since I’ve seen a good Day for Night shot.

Lovelock: Shhhh… The Nazis are trying to have a meal.

[...]

There was a scene where the characters were talking about horror films, which sparked a debate between Starkwell and Lovelock about whether or not it is okay to directly reference films inside a film.  I honestly don’t know who won, or who was on which side, but at one point someone said that “the minute you reference something, you open yourself up to comparison and that can barely ever be good for you.”

[...]

[Blondie sees something in the woods, creepy old guy tells them Nazi story.]

Lovelock: [nervous fart…………]

Starkwell: This film manages to mix together so many terrifying things.  Night time, the woods, snow and cold, Nazis, zombies and all set in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Even the language sounds creepy.

Lovelock: Seriously, it sounds like a backwards record.  That’s how monsters sound in my nightmares.

[...]

[Guys race down hill on a GT Snow Racer.]

Lovelock: I hated the GT Snow Racer kids.  Where’s the challenge when you can steer like that?

Starkwell: Tobogganing is supposed to be a challenge?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand. 

[...]

[Guy follows footprints and falls into a pit.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I see bloody footprints leading away from a dead body, I don’t follow them.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. 

[...]

[Girl follows Fat Dude into the outhouse and screws him.]

Starkwell: He just finished wiping his ass and she hops on for a ride?

Lovelock: I feel nauseous.

[After the hump, she falls into the shit hole.  Lovelock pukes.]

[...]

Then the horror action picked up at top speed.  I think at one point after Fat Dude’s head was ripped in half, Lovelock said “That’s what I’m talking about!” Once the Nazi Zombies started making their fully lit daytime appearances, and the characters began squaring off with them, there was little for Starkwell and Lovelock to do except sit and marvel at the impressively horrifying Nazi zombies, the massive amounts of gore, and the remarkably effective use of color.

[...]

Starkwell: Something else scary to add to the list… buried alive.

[...]

[Montage of zombie kills.]

Starkwell: Interesting musical choice.

Lovelock: Maybe this is the Norwegian version of “Takin’ Care of Business”.

[...]

Do they reference famous films? Yes.  Is it worthy to make those references? Absolutely it is.  I feel like people will reference this movie in twenty years.  Lovelock and Starkwell have both agreed that the Nazi Zombie genre is alive and well, at least for the length of this glorious film.  Also, when the ending credits started, I think that Lovelock’s head full exploded.