One Dark Night.

I knew I recognized that name!  The guy who directed this later went on to direct the sixth installment of the “Friday the 13^th” films!  Regardless of what you may or may not think of what that film brings to that series' table, this is something entirely different, and involves a  girl trying to get into a club called (rather generically) THE SISTERS.  The Sorority Sisters? No just Sisters.  The picture looks alright on the print, but the sound is aggravatingly grainy.

[...]

[Coroners remove multiple dead girls, and one dead old guy, from an apartment.]

Lovelock: It’s like a really creepy Playboy mansion.

[Old dead dude shoots lightning from his hand.]

Lovelock: And… that’s normal to the coroners?

Starkwell: They certainly don’t seem very shocked.

Lovelock: "Hey Jonesy, we got ourselves another lightning hands!"

Starkwell: " Just a typical Tuesday in the life of... A CORONER!"

[...]

We are introduced to a bunch of high school mean girls that plan on ‘initiating’ main girl, Julie, into their ‘sisters’ club.  Meanwhile, it turns out the old dead Hef was some kind of Russian magician or something.

[...]

[Adam West escorts Russian Magician Daughter (?) out of the funeral service.]

Lovelock: Holy Lightning hands, Batman!  You married Magic Man’s daughter!

Starkwell: You get one.

Lovelock: One out of ten?

Starkwell: One Adam West joke.  You're done.

Lovelock: You're done in the cupcake wars.

Starkwell: I hate you.

[...]

Julie and her boyfriend, Steve, share a love montage at the arcade.  Playing video games, and taking pictures in the booth and all that shit.  I should mention that the high school kids all look to be well into their twenties and thirties.  Maybe it’s just the clothing, and lighting, and acting.  Then a journalist visits Magic Daughter and Batman to explain to them that he really was able to move things with his mind, due to bio-energy.

[...]

Lovelock: Psychic vampires!

[...]

So now, because Julie stole Robin’s boyfriend Steve, Robin and the sisters (consisting of only two other girls) are sending Julie to spend a night in the mausoleum as initiation.  Why any girl would want to join a three person club that badly, especially one that consists of your boyfriend’s ex as the leader, is beyond anyone.  But Julie accepts, because she is an idiot, obviously, and she is then locked in a huge building with a bunch of dead people.  It has taken nearly forty minutes to get to this point.  Slow moving would be putting it mildly.

[...]

[Julie explores the mausoleum.]

Lovelock: We get it.  It’s a mausoleum.  There are graves.  GET ON WITH IT.

[Her flashlight won’t light so she runs to the chapel to get a candle.]

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t she just set up her sleeping bag in the chapel where all the candles are?

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that she wants to be in a club with people she hates.

[...]

The SISTERS are on their way to the mausoleum that night to ‘scare’ Julie.  Steve goes looking for Julie and can’t find her.  Luckily, he happens upon Leslie, who was just kicked out of the SISTER MOBILE for having second thoughts about this whole SISTER INITIATION thing.  Anyways, they all end up at the mausoleum, and after over an hour of NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENING, Starkwell and Lovelock all end up at BOREDOM.

[...]

[The grave of Magic Man is cracked, it glows red and makes stuff happen in the mausoleum.]

Lovelock: Fucking WEAK.

[Did I mention that we just passed the seventy minute mark?]

[...]

Finally one of the coffins poops out of it’s grave (yes, I meant to say poop), opens up and reveals a slimy-eyed undead grandpa of some kind.  It’s a rise-from-the-dead scene that makes the “Blind Dead” zombies' rise from their graves look fast moving.  Eventually, the corpse runs / floats / is-wheeled-towards-them-on-a-skateboard and Lovelock lets out a half cheer.

[...]

[Really fake looking Magic Man corpse erupts from his grave, shoots lightning from his eyes and reanimates the mausoleum’s population.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never have slumber parties in mausoleums.

Starkwell: You have slumber parties?

Lovelock: You know what I mean.

Starkwell: I’m fairly certain that I don’t.

Lovelock: TICKLE FIGHT!

[Starkwell then promptly slapped Lovelock in the face.]

[...]

While a bunch of floating dead bodies surround two of the SISTERS, Lovelock sings the Phil Collins slow jam “One More Night” replacing ‘more’ with ‘dark’ and putting an emphasis on how he 'can’t wait forever'.  This movie feels like forever. Get it?

[...]

Lovelock: One dark night.  One dark night.  One dark night… movie sucks balls takes forever.

[To that tune I mentioned.  Go on, give it a try.]

[...]

[Sister Kitty suffocates under a pile of dead bodies.]

Lovelock: Imagine filming this?

Starkwell: “Ok, we’re going to lob a bunch of fake dead bodies on you and… GO!”

Lovelock: “Did we mention we covered them with slime and maggots? No? Too bad. ACTION!”

[...]

Eventually Magic Man’s daughter shows up and flashes a make-up mirror in his face and his head melts and all the floating bodies drop.  Who needs explanations when you have no story, I guess…  And then the film ends.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives.

There are almost as many Friday the 13th films as there are James Bond films, and with almost as many writers and directors.  Having seen the first five, I’ve filled Starkwell and Lovelock in on what they missed.  Basically that there is a dude named Jason who likes killing people and died in the last movie.  Now, while there was indeed an impressive “rise from the grave” scene at the very beginning of the fifth film, it turned out to be only a dream for main character Tommy.  It also turned out to be the only good scene in the film.  When a film’s best scene has Corey Feldman in it, you know you’re in trouble.  “New Beginning”? More like false start.  Boom! Anyways, the sixth film will feature an ACTUAL Jason “rise from the grave” scene, as well as a subsequently undead Jason Effin’ Voorhees.  Good enough?  “Yes”, replied Starkwell and Lovelock.  A resounding yes.

[...]

[Tommy, different actor, same character, heads to the graveyard to see Jason’s body, and make sure he’s really dead.  It’s almost as if the film is trying to erase "part V", and replace it with this one.  The Tommy we all saw in "part V" NEVER EXISTED.  Apparently.]

Lovelock: Considering the history and all, and that Jason was a known killer, they certainly gave him a nice tombstone.

[...]

Tommy starts digging in the dirt and opens the coffin to reveal a worm infested corpse that he then starts stabbing repeatedly with a crowbar.

[...]

[Lightning strikes Jason, and he is brought back to life.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never try to dig up the corpses of mass murderers. 

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

Anyways, then Lovelock played air guitar and did jump kicks while Zombie Jason rips Tommy’s friend’s heart out of his chest, and then puts the mask on.

[...]

[Random shot of Jason walking against a black backdrop, swinging his machete, and then they show title.]

Lovelock: It’s like those James Bond opening scenes where he turns and shoots the camera... only with more kill power and excessive amounts of awesome.

Starkwell: Something like that.

[...]

Then Tommy runs immediately to the police to tell them what happened and he gets arrested because they assume he’s crazy and they don’t believe him.  Meanwhile Jason terrorizes and kills people and Lovelock cheers loud and often.

[...]

[Introducing lame teenagers.]

Lovelock: That dude is wearing a LOT of make-up.

Starkwell: And a sweet pair of ripped-up acid-washed Mom-Jeans.

[...]

Turns out Jason put Tommy’s friend into his now empty coffin, so the next day when the Drunk Grave Digger sees it, he just assumes someone dug up the grave to get a look at Jason, and fills it back in so no one will ever know!  He doesn’t want to lose his job!  Then Jason kills some weekend warrior paintball dudes with his now super strength (?).  Lovelock tried to high five Starkwell, but Starkwell left him hanging, begging “what’s the point?” to which Lovelock enthusiastically answered “to see Jason rock the shit”.  I don’t know what that means.

[...]

Lovelock: The guy playing Jason has some serious hooters… also two bullet holes exactly where his nips would be.  That can’t be accidental.

[...]

The gore is virtually non-existent, but nonetheless, Jason is still racking up an impressive body count.  But Starkwell’s right… when you introduce characters for no reason other than to be meat for Jason’s machete, it’s getting to be a little silly.  Thirty minutes in, and we are up to about ten people introduced only to be killed.  Lovelock ain’t complaining.

[...]

[Worst simulated sex ever filmed.]

Lovelock: At least the sweat looks real…

Starkwell: Judging by the music, maybe they’re just doing an aerobic workout?

Lovelock: Nobody bounces that much during sex.  Or wears that much underwear.

[Jason interrupts trailer sex, eventually kills them.]

Lovelock: Well, we did just get the best line in the movie, “Hey what are you doing back there? Taking a dump?”  A real Casanova.

Starkwell: I liked the deputy’s line “Wherever the red light goes, ya bang.”  It barely makes any sense.

[Anyways, the humpers are dead.]

[...]

After about fifteen people are killed all over and around town, the police FINALLY start realizing something is going on, but OBVIOUSLY assume that it’s Tommy.

[...]

[Sheriff’s Daughter, Megan, tries to help Tommy get away in her Corvette… she makes him bury his head in her lap, to hide from the police roadblock.]

Starkwell: Is it really necessary to show us TWO close-ups of her camel-toe?

Lovelock:  Well, it is the eighties.  Considering this film's lack of the usual gratuitous '80s T&A, a fully clothed crotch shot is actually pretty risque.

Starkwell: Also, horrifyingly stupid.

[...]

[Megan pulls the deputy’s gun on him, frees Tommy from jail.]

Starkwell: Now, I know I’m already suspending my disbelief quite a bit, but the deputy couldn’t honestly believe that Megan might actually shoot him, could he?

Lovelock: Wherever the red dot goes… YA BANG!

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that it was pretty fucked up that there were kids at the camp, but the cops showed up in time to prevent Jason from killing any of them.  The cops, on the other hand, got mostly killed, mostly.

[...]

[Sheriff repeatedly shoots Jason, who keeps getting back up to come after him.]

Starkwell: You would think he’d learn after the third or fourth shot…

Lovelock: You know what they say… fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, JASON LIVES!

Starkwell: They?

[Megan searches for her Dad, screams his name over and over again.]

Starkwell: When hiding from a killer, it is probably NOT considered a good strategy to scream like a lunatic out in the open.

[Sheriff is folded in half.]

Lovelock: Haha! Too late, Megan!

Starkwell: Dude, that’s cold.

Lovelock: If I can't celebrate Jason folding a guy in half, then what's the point?

[...]

Anyways, Tommy lures Jason out into the water, and for whatever reason sets fire to the water around his boat.  Tommy chains a boulder to Jason’s neck and sends him to the bottom of the lake.    I guess the fire on the lake is supposed to be all 'Lake of Fire', symbolizing he is sending Jason to Hell?  Pretty fucking thin.  “Yeah… that’ll hold him”, quips Starkwell, sarcastically.  Eventually Jason gets a propeller to the face and the kids all cheer when Megan’s weak-ass CPR on Tommy brings him back.  The end… FOR NOW!