Zombi 3.

A movie so good that it took THREE directors to complete it!  This started off as Fulci’s 1988 sequel to his own 1979 cinematic gem “Zombie Flesh Eaters”, but apparently took a wrong turn somewhere in Bruno Mattei town.  If you want the whole history, look it up.  I’m only interested in what Lovelock and Starkwell will have to say about the finished product.

[...]

[Scientists inject serum into corpse’s head.  Dead body revives, decomposes superfast. Screams.]

Lovelock: Well, a strong start.

Starkwell: Don’t start playing air guitar quite yet, this is probably just the Fulci portion.

[...]

[Scientists shot at, guards killed, top secret experimental drug stolen.]

Starkwell: I think that they spent the entire film’s budget on that helicopter.

Lovelock: It certainly wasn’t spent on good costumes, good actors or making it look real when people are shot.

[...]

[Sick Infected Thief runs to an island resort, hand is all decomposing, face gross.  He gets a room.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never stay at those all-inclusive places.  They give a room to anyone.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[The over dubbing is so bad, that it actually helps make the movie a comedic goldmine.  Their favorite so far was when the Room Service guy, when asked to bring Sick Guy some water, says to the Concierge “Again??!! What is this guy trying to get in the Guiness Book of World Records?!?!”.]

Lovelock: Yeah… for water drinking at a hotel.

[Guy cuts off own hand, blood flies everywhere.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I cut off a hand, I start with the tourniquet.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

[...]

[Outbreak takes over the hotel, and the crazy HASMAT suit commandoes fill the resort.  HASMAT commandoes find original Infected Guy.]

Starkwell: Why would he take his mask off?

Lovelock: So that they can all hear him scream “FOUND HIM!”

Starkwell: But it defeats the whole purpose of wearing the suit in the first place.

Lovelock: Oh, sure, if you’re worried about that sort of logic.

[...]

We’re introduced to a group of soldier boys, and a new winning line emerges when one says “I don’t remember her name, but I sure remember her tits!”  Starkwell and Lovelock repeated it a few times.  The film seems to be introducing an awful lot of characters, such as the young lovers in the convertible, the RV full of nerds and loose women, the soldier boys, the Radio DJ and of course, General Hard-On.

[...]

[Zombie birds… ATTACK!]

Lovelock: SO MUCH cooler than the CGI birds in that Resident Evil movie.

[...]

[RABID MACHETE ZOMBIE ATTACKS… AT THE GAS STATION.]

Starkwell: So, “Nightmare City” imitates “Zombi 2” and now “Zombi 3” imitates “Nightmare City”?

Lovelock: Not to mention “The Crazies”.  It’s like they say, ‘life imitates art’.

Starkwell: What does that have to do with anything?

Lovelock: You said ‘imitate’?

[...]

The dubbing just got worse and worse.  It started to look as though the actors were really struggling to get the English out, but then they just brought people in to over dub it all anyways.  Lovelock’s new favorite line: “I’m free too, in other words I don’t have a steady girl.”  I guess you had to be there.

[...]

Lovelock: Why do people walk so slowly when they’re scared?  Wouldn’t you want to move fast so nothing can catch you?

Starkwell: Especially in a zombie outbreak situation.

[Girl falls in water, guy pulls her out, she INSTANTANEOUSLY becomes a zombie, and her legs are missing, perhaps bitten off.]

Starkwell: Are we supposed to assume that there was a zombie shark?  The same from “Zombi 2”? In the resort swimming pool?

Lovelock: That’s why I never swim in hotel pools.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Anyways, I don’t think that was a swimming pool.

Starkwell: Whatever it was, it has some steamy water.

[...]

Lovelock is able to look past the horrifying plot holes and inconsistencies in the zombie behavior and cheer loudly at every turn.  Starkwell seems less able.

[...]

[Couple complains about how hungry they are and go to the kitchen to look for food.]

Starkwell: Who would be thinking about food at a time like this?!!?!

[Severed zombie head flies out of fridge, eats man.  Zombie rips girl’s face off.]

Lovelock: Answer – About to become dead people.

[...]

At one point Lovelock spent ten minutes or so repeating hilarious one liners of dialogue and doing jump kicks.  Starkwell was just looking at him disappointed muttering “this is sooo not jump kick worthy.”

[...]

[Scientists huddle around whiteboard full of ‘equations’.]

Starkwell: It looks like what a seven year old thinks scientists working on something would look like.

Lovelock: It looks like a connect-the-dots that doesn’t actually make anything.

Starkwell: Oh, it makes something... a bad movie.

[...]

Then the nerd guy got gunned down by the HASMAT crew and Lovelock jump kicked so hard he pulled a muscle.  The movie slowed down a bit after that, which gave him time to recover.  But then a zombie ripped a woman’s face off and pushed her into a pregnant zombie’s exploding womb and Lovelock pushed through the pain to perform a picture perfect roundhouse.  Starkwell wondered “why is there a full grown hand emerging from her vagina?  Was she giving birth to a zombie arm?”

[...]

Starkwell: Why are the zombies just standing there looking at them?  How could there be a perfectly intact and gassed up helicopter just sitting there? Why are there zombies hiding in the haystacks?  Are they ninjas? WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

Lovelock: You raise some valid questions.  Most can be answered by the following.

[Lovelock performs an impressive jump kick.  Sticks the landing.]

[...]

Then there was the worst twist ending ever.  It pushed Lovelock deeper into the I FUCKING LOVE IT column, and Starkwell further into the WHAT THE FUCK column.  Then there was a sick eighties song during the credits, and everyone agreed that it was TIME… TO… DANCE!

Hell of the Living Dead.

Infamous softcore pornographer Bruno Mattei is generally considered to be one of those Grindhouse legends.  Not sure who is doing the considerations, but whatever.  In 1980 he produced his zombie epic “Hell of the Living Dead”.  He obviously knew how good it was since he released it under a different name, Vincent Dawn.  If ever there was a porno name… Anyways, this is another 'Blue Underground' release.

[...]

Starkwell: It took two people to write this?

Lovelock: It hasn’t even started yet… give it a chance… Goblin did the music.

[...]

[Scientists in a lab, doing sciencey things.]

Lovelock: How come everyone is wearing a helmet except the woman?

Starkwell: Either they don’t feel her brain is worth protecting, or they didn’t want to mess up her perm.

[...]

[Guys wearing HASMAT suits.]

Starkwell: Those clearly aren’t air-tight, you can see his neck and mouth from the bottom flap of the face mask helmet thing.

Lovelock: Oh shit, bitten to death by rat.

[...]

After that, it was hard to make out what they were saying for a little while, as everything was clouded by a thick array of laughter.  But, at some point, one of them definitely said “Way to go, science” and “Good job, Professor Mushroom Cut” and “Man, this is going to be one nutty ride” and “Let’s grow mustaches.”

[...]

[We are introduced to some sort of trigger happy SWAT team.]

Starkwell: Why are they dressed like janitors?

Lovelock: Pffftt.. to blend in, idiot!

Starkwell: Carrying M16s?

[...]

I don’t know if we are meant to like the Trigger Happy Squad, but the scenes that followed showing them stranded on an island, depicted them as racist, sexist, ignorant and blood thirsty lunatics.  Well, Starkwell seemed confused as to whether or not we should like them.  Lovelock likes them.  Then we were introduced to some civilians, also trapped on the island, carrying around a wounded boy.  Starkwell didn't care if we should like them or not.  Lovelock hated them immediately.  But then half of them get eaten, so Lovelock in turn thanked Bruno aloud.

[...]

[The non-eaten half runs into Trigger Happy Gang.  Together they find zombie kid eating his dad.]

Lovelock: I think more movies need to feature SWAT teams unloading on a kid at point blank range after mere seconds of investigation.  They didn’t even give the kid a chance to explain himself…

Starkwell: Not sure that it’s a concept that will catch on.  Also, what was there to explain 

[...]

Sometime after the initial carnage scene, Starkwell and Lovelock invented a drinking game where you take a drink every time Mattei uses stock footage of Papua New Guinea.  After five shots in less than a minute, they realized that this was a bad game and decided to stop playing.  Please note, should you attempt this game, we will not be held responsible for your eventual hospital bills and/or death.

[...]

[Main character decides to camouflage herself as a bare-breasted native.  Even though she is white.]

Starkwell: How many natives have perms?

Lovelock: About as many as those that wear mascara, eye liner and plastic hair clips.

Starkwell: Well, at least there was an unnecessarily long close up of her breasts.

[...]

More stock footage, and, thankfully, this time it was of saggy native breasts and a dead man’s cock’n’balls.  Starkwell just left the room forever.  I could try to explain the way Bruno switched back and forth from stock footage to our main characters, complete with fake native that look nothing like those in the stock footage, but nothing I can say will make you understand.  It has to be seen to be believed.  In order to simulate the confusion we were all feeling, I will just list some things that Lovelock said without giving you any context.

[...]

Lovelock: How is any of this related to the scientists at the beginning?

[...]

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure that actor would get sick from having that raw meat in his mouth.

[...]

Lovelock: What kind of a man bends the brim of his hat into an ‘M’ shape?  That kind, I guess.

[...]

Lovelock: More like “Hell of the Smiling Dead”.  Or “Hell of Blue People with Dry Oatmeal on their Face that Laugh while on Camera.”

[...]

Lovelock: In the midst of the apocalypse, Backwards Hat decides to put on a top hat and tutu and dance the Charleston, oh well, at least he’s dead.

[...]

Lovelock: He just looked at the camera… was he talking to me?

[...]

Lovelock: Why isn’t this over yet?  Oh, I see, because more stock footage needs to be shown.

[...]

Lovelock: New drinking game, every time there’s a close up of the girl screaming.

[...]

Lovelock: You got some ketchup on your face there…

[...]

Liberal amounts of terrible special effects, an abundance of stock footage, a lack of a cohesive story and a team of nothing but worthless characters and actors make for one lousy viewing experience.  I hate you, Bruno Mattei.  Lovelock thinks someone needs to remake this one claiming that “it had potential” and that “the eyeball scene at the end ruled”.  Starkwell couldn’t get past the stock footage.  No one should have to.  Entertaining movie, but also, one of the worst I've ever seen.