Zombie Cop.

I won’t lie, I’m pretty psyched to watch this one with Lovelock and Starkwell.  J.R. Bookwalter was the man behind “Dead Next Door”, which was a pretty fantastic, while still being completely fucking terrible, backyard horror film.  Starkwell wasn’t able to get through the whole thing, while Lovelock couldn’t help but marvel at the gore and ridiculousness.  Let’s see where his follow up falls.  I should mention, let’s see where his ZOMBIE follow up falls.  Because his actual follow up to “Dead Next Door” was a movie called “Robot Ninja”, which I think we all can agree is probably amazing...ly bad.

[...]

[Definitely a shot on video film.   The intro is just squiggly lines that look like a Windows ’95 Screen Saver.]

Lovelock: Music by “Porn Music Guy from the Early Nineties”.

Starkwell: Shot in beautiful 4:3 on VHS Camcorders.

[The director used a different name for the Director slot.  Not starting off well.]

Lovelock: Lance Randas?  Between that and the music... Are we sure this isn’t porno?

[...]

[Some “voodoo” priest cuts his arm with some special effects that would embarrass magicians at childrens’ birthday parties.]

Lovelock: So many closeups… of teeth.

Starkwell: If every scene is as unnecessarily long as this one, we are in for some real-

Lovelock: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[...]

Anyways, two cops show up to apprehend Voodoo Priest, and after some terrible acting, one of the cops AND the Voodoo Priest both die in a shootout.  Arguably the lamest shootout ever.

[...]

Starkwell: So the voodoo priest would have pictures of zombies that he printed out on computer paper hung on his wall?

Lovelock: And movie posters?

Starkwell: And he has a subscription to Playboy?

Lovelock: Vood priest named "Death", keeping it real classy.

Starkwell: The ladies must love his pad.

[...]

Anyways, then we are treated to a half decent “Zombie Cop rises out of his grave” sequence.  After some more of the shittiest acting I’ve ever seen, the basic plot is that the “Zombie Cop” wants to recruit his former partner in an attempt to stop Zombie Voodoo Priest Guy from taking over the world?

[...]

[Zombie Cop hits the town looking for information.]

Lovelock: Those two “punks” are easily the lamest looking thugs in the history of cinema.

Starkwell: What the... Ok, I’m out.

[...]

Starkwell walked out because the actor portraying the “INDIAN” convenience store owner was a white guy with brown paint all over his face.  With a towel on his head.  An actual towel.  It is the most racist thing I think I’ve ever seen in a movie.  I honestly wish I was joking.  Then one of the thugs called him “towelhead”.  There are also SO MANY forced horrible one-liners.  This movie is embarrassing.

[...]

Lovelock: At least “Dead Next Door” had blood and guts.

[...]

Lovelock: So the cop also has movie posters on his wall?

[...]

Lovelock: Did that guy just tell the cop to stick his badge “up the rear”?

[...]

It gets worse.  There’s another scene with the fake Indian guy.  This time they didn’t even paint his face brown.  But he does have a bunch of dialogue wherein he speaks in an insanely offensive accent.  Also, he says his name and his name is all “gibberish” and super long.  Then there’s a shot of a guy watching “Robot Ninja”.  Bookwalter gives HIMSELF a shout out.  Man, fuck J.R. Bookwalter.

[...]

Lovelock: The kids playing on that soccer field look really confused as to why there are people with camcorders filming a really shitty and slow chase between a guy in a cop outfit and a guy in a Jamaican outfit.

[...]

You know what else is bad in this movie?  The editing.  The music.  The writing.  The everything.  Just a well-rounded painful turd.   The end.  And by the way, the last scene is another scene starring racism.

The Face of Marble.

Known in the industry as William “One-Shot” Beaudine, Starkwell and Lovelock know him from their encounter with his earlier moving picture “The Living Ghost”.  Since that was hardly a pleasant experience, Starkwell already has said “let’s see if he’s William ‘One-Shit’ Beaudine, or if indeed, he took many shits and called it cinema.  William "One-Shot / Many-Shits" Beaudine.”  Off to a good start.  Lovelock thinks maybe John Carradine can help this one suck less.  This was filmed sometime in the 1940s, likely in a day, after Beaudine had the opportunity to make a movie centered on Bela Lugosi in a gorilla suit, but long before he shot episodes of "Lassie".  Exactly.

[...]

[African American Butler(?) comes to inform Woman of the House, Elaine, of some strange things going down.]

Starkwell: The year was 1946, and racism was alive and well on the big screen.

Lovelock: Did she just say “let the boy speak”?

Starkwell: I feel really uncomfortable.

[...]

The quality of the print was worse than atrocious.  The dialogue was muddled and gross sounding and, for some reason, the image on the screen was shaking continuously.  It would be interesting to imagine that this was done on purpose back in the 40s, but clearly it’s just a shitty copy of a film that likely barely exists anymore.

[...]

[Woman interrupts the Men Doctors doing science.]

Starkwell: Clearly, science is a man’s world!

Lovelock: Did he just tell her to “leave us, like a 'good girl'”?

Starkwell: I feel really uncomfortable.

[...]

Turns out the two Doctors stole a dead body off the beach from a shipwreck.  They’re seemingly only SLIGHTLY worried whether or not the authorities will be upset that they STOLE A DEAD MAN.  But then they revive said dead guy momentarily, and claim that he has a “face of marble”.  Then he re-dies, and the doctor says “he’s dead, QUITE dead.”  Lovelock and Starkwell laughed hysterically.

[...]

[Scientists talk about ‘Maria the Help’ and her “crazy jungle mumbo jumbo”.]

Starkwell: I repeat. I feel really uncomfortable.

[...]

It’s clear that Woman actually is in love with Young Doctor David, instead of her husband, Older Doctor Charles.  Maria the Help has been putting Voodoo Dolls under David’s pillow, trying to curse him into loving Elaine… I think.

[...]

[David drops Voodoo Doll into acid, Maria the Help faints and falls down the stairs.]

Lovelock: BEST. STUNT. EVER.

Starkwell: I wonder how much they paid that old woman for that…

Lovelock: Not enough.

Starkwell: Thankfully he’s William “One-Shot” Beaudine, otherwise Maria the Actress would be dead.

[...]

[Dr. Charles killed the dog Brutus, in order to try to revive him.]

Starkwell: WHY in the FUCK would he KILL THE DOG?!?!?!

Lovelock: “Now now, I could try a mouse, or a rat, or, Hell, even a raccoon from the yard, but no, doggone it, let’s try with my wife’s beloved dog.  It worked so well on that sailor yesterday… oh… wait… oops.”

[It doesn’t work… or does it?  They suddenly hear Brutus barking.]

Lovelock: Might be the earliest incarnation of the zombie dog.

Starkwell: He seems mean as Hell.

[Dr. Charles shoots the zombie dog, but he doesn’t die!  Then he JUMPS THROUGH THE WINDOW WITHOUT BREAKING IT, like a ghost.]

Starkwell: A couple of things… why would he have a gun?  Also... walking through walls?

Lovelock: So… super powered zombie dog?  He isn’t harmed by bullets and can traverse through walls.  Eat that, “Resident Evil” dogs.  Also, eat that, “Kitty Pride”.

[...]

[Elaine gives Dr. David a huge wet kiss for his birthday, but then his fiancée shows up, and then Elaine gets all sour and bitchy.]

Starkwell: Awkward.

Lovelock: So, Elaine is a bit of a whore… Am I right, guys?

[...]

The cop informs us that it turns out the zombie dog has been killing farm animals by biting their throats and draining their blood.  I believe Lovelock’s reaction was “fucking amazing. Walks through walls, can’t die, bloodsucker.  Best dog of all time.  Scooby-Doo?  You know what, fuck Scooby-Doo.”

[...]

[Maria the Help tries to kill Fiancée, but ends up killing Elaine instead.]

Starkwell: I love how they aren’t even curious about who killed her.

Lovelock: Hey, all that matters is that now they have a new dog and/or woman to try their SCIENCE on.

Starkwell: Seriously.  Why aren’t they like “HEY WHO KILLED ELAINE”?

Lovelock: When life hands these guys lemons, they make zombie dogs.

[...]

Eventually they revive Elaine, and, obviously, she has THE FACE OF MARBLE just like the dead sailor.  "Whatever that means", says Lovelock.  What makes no sense to Starkwell or Lovelock is why they thought it would work at all.  They haven’t changed anything about their formula.  Two days ago they failed to revive a sailor, then they turned a dog into a zombie bloodsucker, now they think WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR FORMULA, that the results will change.

[...]

Starkwell: They are the worst scientists ever.

Lovelock: Says you… ZOMBIE DOG for the win.

Starkwell: I don’t feel like I’ve won.

[...]

[Zombie Elaine and Zombie Brutus, apparently now under Maria the Help’s control kill Dr. Charles… by stabbing him in the back.]

Lovelock: Ummm… I was lead to believe that there would be throat tearing and blood sucking…

Starkwell: Wait… so was it the experiment that revived her or voodoo?  What about Brutus?  This is all a real mess…

Lovelock: I feel cheated.  I want my Zombie Dog action.  Fuck you, Beaudine.

[...]

What pisses Starkwell off even more is that Elaine wakes up and seems perfectly normal the next day.  So the experiment doesn’t work, then it does on a dog, but turns him into a killer, but then it works on Elaine when combined with Voodoo, but she's being controlled by Maria, but then all of a sudden, so is the dog?  Garbage.  After a HILARIOUS scene where David punches a cop, eventually the Starkwell/Lovelock laughter died down, only for them to realize that the movie had ended.  Apparently Maria killed herself and Zombie Elaine and Zombie Brutus walked into the ocean.  Yes, for real.  Considering that "Face of Marble" was just something that Dr. David said a couple of times, but had absolutely nothing to do with anything, it seems like an odd choice for the film title.  But then again, Ol' Billy "One-Shot" likely wasn't known for making good choices.  Or ones that made any sense.