Shock Waves.

I can't really be sure if you could say that this is the original Nazi Zombie film, especially not if you count something like "They Froze Hitler's Brain".  And certainly Zombie Soldiers had previously been tackled.  But "Shock Waves" did that with Peter Cushing, so COME ON that must get it some extra brownie points.   Anyways, this was essentially cloned two more times with "Oasis" and "Lake", so let's see what all the fuss was about.

[...]

[Narrator explains that the Nazis did experiments on corpses, to create SUPER SOLDIERS, and that this squad of invincible soldiers was NEVER CAUGHT.]

Starkwell: I just got goose bumps, did you get goose bumps?

Lovelock: Is that the same things as shitting in your pants?  Because if so, I just had explosive goose bumps.

[...]

After the opening credits roll, it cuts to a woman floating out at sea on a rowboat, and being rescued by a fishing boat.  She narrates the story, and begins explaining, as they begin showing just how she got there.  In the flashback, she's on a boat with Captain John Carradine and some dude with a crazy mustache.  I think there are lots of other people too.

[...]

[There is a married couple, and an old crotchety cook, and dude who seems to like making castles with cards.]

Lovelock: If that cook saves the day, then this it TOTALLY where "Under Siege" got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: I don't see that happening.

Lovelock: Why are they on this boat?

Starkwell: I don't think it is to find undead Nazi super soldiers…

Lovelock: But that is EXACTLY what they're going to do.

[...]

Then they run into a huge ghost ship that appeared out of nowhere, and then disappeared seemingly into thin air.  In the morning, they row to a nearby island.  Carradine seems to have disappeared.  Then they find him, dead. They walk the island and find an old abandoned hotel resort of some kind.  There they meet Peter Cushing.  I can't tell yet if he is a good guy or a bad guy.

[...]

[Zombie walks around on the ocean floor and then pops out of the ocean.]

Starkwell: So… he was just hanging around the coral reef?

Lovelock: Probably looking at the fishies.

Starkwell: Apparently looking at the camera too.

Lovelock: Excellent.

[...]

[Nazi Zombies rise up out of the water and walk onto shore.  The cook goes out to fish up some food and one of the zombies drowns him.]

Lovelock: There we go.  Off to a good start.

[The rest of the group find his body and see two of the zombies slowly walk away.]

Starkwell: Wouldn't they be hiding or something?

Lovelock: They're not ninjas, guy.

[...]

Peter Cushing seems to be a good guy, NOW, in the sense that he tries to warn them and tells them they need to leave.  But he does explain that he is the one that created the super soldiers during the war and has tried to keep them on this secluded island, hidden way… but says that they are now ON THE LOOSE and out to kill.  Then he runs into the forest and one of the zombies drowns him.

[...]

Lovelock:  SO… MANY… underwater shots.

[...]

There was a scene where nerdy guy named Norman was surprised and drowned without making a peep.  Lovelock shouted out "quietest death ever" and then both he and Starkwell laughed for five minutes re-watching the scene several times.

[...]

[Main character Rose takes off one of the zombie's goggles and he dies immediately, because of the sun… I think.]

Lovelock: Some super soldiers… they can't take their goggles off?

Starkwell: Was this thing filmed in a library?  People are being attacked and dying and zombies are dying and LITERALLY no sounds are being made.

Lovelock: Those goggles must be seriously awesome.

Starkwell: They don't have guns, and move real slow.  Just run up to them and take their goggles off.  How hard is that?

Lovelock: You'd think if the scientist can create a super soldier whose only weakness is LIGHT, he'd figure out a way to make those goggles more permanent.  Those elastics are usually flimsy.

[...]

[The Nazis continue to hunt/drown the survivors.]

Lovelock: So the only way they know how to kill people is drowning them?

Starkwell: Doesn't seem like a very threatening force.  Pretty useless in a gunfight… How could they have been a death squad in World War 2?

Lovelock: Maybe they used to carry around buckets of water.

[They drown one guy in a pool, the other girl in a fishtank.]

Lovelock: Lucky for them there was a fish tank in that room… otherwise where would they have drown her?

Starkwell: Why would he have been walking in the pool?

Lovelock: "The zombies seems to hide in the water… so I think I'll go for a swim."  These people are all getting what they deserve.

[...]

Then Rose sails off in a rowboat.  The end.  Lovelock made some jokes all throughout about this being where "Lost" got all of its ideas, but Starkwell and EVERYONE ELSE agrees that it makes no sense to say that.  Lovelock likes to think everyone is ripping everyone off.

Return of the Living Dead Part II.

Some film series are great from first film to last.  Others take a couple of movies before they really veer off into the great unknown land of turds (think “Lethal Weapon” or the “Die Hard” films).  And others, like the “Re-Animator” films, took a massive nosedive IMMEDIATELY following the first film.  Given Dan O’Bannon’s excellent first film… I’m a little worried to see where this second installment will end up in the hands of writer-director Ken Wiederhorn.  The good news is, he was the guy that wrote and directed “Shock Waves”.  The bad news is he also later directed the “sequel in name only” to “Meatballs”.  Have at it, boys.

[...]

[Soldier driving truck full of Trioxin cans gets high and listens to bad music, when he hits a tiny pothole, canisters of Trioxin fly into the river.]

Starkwell: Don’t get me wrong, I get the notion of a wildly irresponsible army dude smoking weed while driving toxic materials… but you’d think they would have fastened the canisters in a little better… or maybe even, oh I don’t know, PUT A FUCKING BACK ON THE TRUCK!

Lovelock: Yeah but then we wouldn’t have a movie.  I, for one, applaud the shitty writing.

[...]

[Two bullies force a kid to join their club. While trying to beat him up near a cemetery, they find a canister and open it up.]

Lovelock: KIDS?!??!?!  This ain’t good…

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were a little confused by the fact that two of the actors from the first movie are in this one as well, except that they aren’t playing the same characters… which makes sense since they died in the first one.  Anyways, now they’re stealing shit from graves to pawn for money.  The gas from the canister starts trickling into the cememtery.

[...]

[One of the Bully Kids is sick, from breathing in the Trioxin dust.]

Lovelock: Had better not all be centered around a zombie kid.

[Dorky Kid goes back to cemetery, runs into a tar man.]

Lovelock: HOORAY!

[Dead people start emerging from the ground!]

Lovelock: I’m feeling better.  A lot better.

[...]

It becomes pretty clear pretty quickly that this movie will have no problem being “goofy”, as we have already heard the now famous “brains!” a few times, and have witnessed all sorts of zombie physical comedy. Then the main girl, the lovely Brenda, punches through a zombies head, and there was much rejoicing in the crowd.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m willing to forgive the use of annoying ass kids if there is to be more face punches like that.

Starkwell: I’m willing to forgive the horrible soundtrack, over-the-top zaniness, and atrocious acting if… no… actually I’m not, not under any circumstances.

[...]

If the movie wasn’t trying SO HARD to be “funny” and “kerrrrazy”, it would probably be much better than it is.  As Starkwell said, a severed rotting zombie head speaking in a bad southern accent telling them to “get tha’ damn screwdriver outta my head” isn’t funny it’s “absolutely lame, in every way.”

[...]

Starkwell: It bugs me when a movie can’t make up its mind about what kind of zombies it has in it…

Lovelock: It always bugs me when you won’t shut up during the good scenes.

Starkwell: THESE are the good scenes?

[...]

Then one of the actors who was IN THE FIRST FILM says to the other “I feel like we’ve been here before, like it’s a dream I’ve had before”.  He did everything but wink at the camera.  There are some great zombie kills and the effects are decent enough.  I mean, actually, some of the effect work is really cheesy, but as Lovelock said, “it’s always nice to go back and see proper non-CGI zombies”.

[...]

Starkwell: Inconsistency number a million: if these zombies want to eat human brains, why would they be eating animals at the pet store?

Lovelock: Inconsistency number please shut up.

Starkwell: And why do they run sometimes, but then most of the time shuffle around?

Lovelock: Because no one cares.  Especially not the writers.

Starkwell: Wait a minute… that one can drive a car?

Lovelock: Alright, I’ll admit, that’s super weak.

[...]

[It turns out that the zombies can be stopped by electrocuting them, so the “heroes” round up all the zombies in town into a big puddle and shock them.]

Starkwell: We’re just supposed to buy that they managed to get all of the zombies there?

Lovelock: I guess…

Starkwell: And that the eight year old kid can figure out how to drive stick in five seconds?  ANd reach the pedals in a huge truck?

Lovelock: Umm…

[...]

Anyways, before it’s all over, we end up seeing a fight between Dorky Kid and Zombie Bully Kid, a super lame “Michael Jackon’s Thriller” joke, and another shot of bad southern accent severed head zombie from before… who’s there somehow.  Talking.  Ugh.