Ghost Breakers.

I can honestly say that I never in a million years expected to be showing a Bob Hope movie to Lovelock and Starkwell.  But, here we are.  Starkwell seems fairly excited.  Lovelock isn’t really sure how to feel and just asked me “if there might at least be some tits in this one”.  That seems like an odd question even from him.  He must be in a bad mood, unfortunate for “The Ghost Breakers”, potentially fortunate for me.

[...]

[Mary is about to venture off to Cuba and the BLACK ISLAND to see some castle that she inherited.]

Lovelock: Why can’t I ever inherit a castle on a tropical island?  What the fuck..

Starkwell: You’d go even with all of the HAUNTED HOUSE stories?

Lovelock: Yeah man, I’m a glass half full kind of a guy, I figure I’d get at least one or two Caspers for every undead flesh-eating demon.

[...]

There’s a big storm outside, I guess to make things creepier.  We see Bob Hope for the first time, and his walking cliché racial stereotyped African American Butler named Alex.  Then the lights go out, and Bob Hope can’t see his butler.  He tells him “you look like a blackout in a blackout.  If this keeps going I’m going to have to paint you white.”  Yes.  That happened.

[...]

[Hope accidentally shoots somebody and then hides in Mary’s room (oh yeah, he ended up in her building), hides from the police in her trunk and ends up on a boat to Cuba.]

Lovelock: Well that’s one way to get to Cuba.

[Somehow Butler Alex ends up on the boat too…]

Starkwell: He didn’t need a ticket?

Lovelock: I don’t think they had invented tickets yet.

[...]

They finally arrive in Cuba, and Hope asks one of the locals about a “negro woman and her zombie son” and then makes a joke at the expense of democrats.  The film is showing its age pretty hard.  Starkwell is appalled, whereas Lovelock is slightly psyched at the mention of voodoo zombies.

[...]

[Bob Hope and Alex head to the castle on Black Island without Mary.]

Lovelock: I think that’s the same castle as in “White Zombie”.

Starkwell: Wait, why are they there exactly?

Lovelock: To make the place safe for Mary, probably in an attempt to hump her.

Starkwell: Fair enough.

[...]

Alex and Hope see a ghost, a well as catch a glimpse of The Zombie.  Then Mary arrives at the island in a swim suit and one of those old style bathing caps.  Neither Lovelock nor Starkwell really know where this is going, but they are still kind of enjoying the ride.  It’s a step above most of the thrown together voodoo comedies from the era.  The actor playing the zombie does a great job at looking terrifying, adding quite a bit of horror to this otherwise fluffy comedic picture.

[...]

[Bob Hope says “something smells” and Alex says “it ain’t fried chicken”.]

Starkwell: Seriously?

[...]

Then there’s this whole insane story where Mary solves a riddle on the wall by playing her organ and they find a secret room, and then Alex saves them from being shot, and then I think Hope and Mary are planning to get married and it immediately ends.  It’s pretty clear that The Zombie was only in there so they could say there was a zombie in there which is a real bummer.  It would be a forgivable offense if the movie were really good… or at least made sense.

Spooks Run Wild.

This was one in a series of films featuring the East Side Kids.  They seem to be something like the Hardy Boys meets the Three Stooges meets a bunch of tough guy greasers from the ghetto meets the Little Rascals (?) .  This one ALSO features Bela Lugosi in his usual role of ‘creepy dude who lives in a mansion and reanimates dead people’.

[...]

[We meet the gang as they go around town and gawk at the local soda shop girl.]

Lovelock: Is his name Muggsy?

Starkwell: Obviously.

[The radio tells them that there is a monster killer on the loose.]

Starkwell: That’s not really clear if it’s a person who kills monster or a killer who happens to be a monster.

Lovelock: Or just someone who kills like A LOT.  Like a monster amount.

[...]

The story seems confused.  I don’t know who all of these characters are.  I’m not even sure what the deal is with the East Side Kids, why they’re in that town and especially, why they’re at a hospital of some kind.  So far the entire dialogue is made up of terrible one liners… Oh wait they’re going to summer camp.

[...]

Lovelock: Best camp movie since “Ernest Goes to Camp”.

Starkwell: Wait… what?  Aren’t they a little old for summer camp?

Lovelock: Aren’t they a little old to be called ‘kids’?

[I guess maybe you need to have seen the other East Side Kids movies to get into it and understand...]

[...]

We see Lugosi for the first time and he seems to have some kind of dwarf assistant and a rad cape, obviously.  We are also introduced to Von Grosch, who is apparently hunting Lugosi and his dwarf.

[...]

[The gang plays in a graveyard and PeeWee gets shot by the grave digger.]

Lovelock:  What the?  Shoot first ask questions later?

Starkwell: That dude straight up shot at a group of kids with a rifle... they were just walking!

Lovelock: They don’t even seem shocked, at all.  Like NOT AT ALL.

Starkwell: His fucking name is PeeWee.

[...]

There are some strange cuts here and there.  The transfer looks and sounds terrible, which is understandable and forgivable, given that this is seventy years old.  So the gang takes PeeWee to Lugosi’s new mansion and Lugosi promises to fix him up.

[...]

[The gang thinks PeeWee is dead.]

Lovelock: I hope he is dead.

Starkwell: Harsh.  Like in real life?  He probably is... jerk.

Lovelock: Hey man, I’m just looking for something to happen.

[PeeWee sits up and walks away without saying a word.]

Lovelock: SweeeeeEEEEeeet.

[The gang thinks PeeWee is a zombie.]

[...]

They knock Lugosi over and wrap his dwarf up in a blanket like a little burrito.  I think Starkwell said something like “well that’s no way to treat your host”.  Then, rather than leaving they explore around like an idiotic Scooby-Doo gang gone (more) stupid.

[...]

[LUGOSI EYES.]

Lovelock: I guess you can’t really have Lugosi and not do a CREEPY EYES shot.

[...]

[The ‘kids’ jump on each other’s shoulders and disguise as a super grim reaper thing and scare Lugosi.]

Lovelock: Skeletor?

Starkwell: Is it just me or did Lugosi phone this one in?

Lovelock: I can’t tell if he’s acting scared or laughing or both.

Starkwell: He's probably laughing at us.  For watching this.

[...]

The cops show up just in time to catch the REAL monster killer, not Lugosi, but the Von Grosch guy from earlier.  PeeWee is fine, he was apparently jut sleepwalking, and Lugosi isn’t a monster or vampire or zombie master after all… he’s a magician, which might be even scarier.  After the cops catch Monster Killer, Lugosi performs a magic trick for everyone… for some reason the girl from the soda shop is there which makes no sense.  Then it ends WAY abruptly after two of the East Side Kids almost kiss each other after beng fooled by Magic Lugosi.   Yeah.

Zombies On Broadway.

While one could argue that a lot of early zombie films have some elements of comedy in them, whether intentional or not, Gordon Douglas’ 1945 “Zombies on Broadway” sets out to be just that, from start to finish, a zombie comedy, starring the comedy duo of somebody and somebody else.  Well I have a comedy duo of my own that I intend to put to work, by having them watch the very film I just mentioned.

[...]

[Gangster advertises his new theatre that features a real live zombie!  Opening this weekend!  Turns out our Comedy Duo, hired to provide the zombie, is actually trying to pass off a regular dude as a zombie!]

Lovelock: This is unrelated, but the expression “hate you like poison” is pretty tits.

[...]

After visiting an old scientist, the Duo decide “screw the Gangster” and decide to run away to California, instead of trying to figure out how to get him a zombie.  But Gangster catches them, and so, they’re going to San Sebastien to find a guy named Dr. Renault and provide Gangster with a zombie for his show!

[...]

[Music Man of the Island plays a song on his guitar and sings to the Duo about the island.]

Lovelock: I can’t help but wish the whole film was in song.

Starkwell: That would get a bit annoying.

[Enter Dr. Renault, played by Bela Lugosi.]

Lovelock: Man, if Lugosi sang his lines, he’d be even hammier!  I think I’d die.  Of happiness.

[...]

We see our first zombie, and he’s terrifying.  It’s a local native with crazy bug-eyes.  Starkwell and Lovelock aren’t sure if they are his real eyes or not… but either way Lovelock just dry-heaved.  The Duo meet a Dancer Girl and team up with her to find a zombie.

[...]

[Zombie watches the Dancer get changed through her window.]

Lovelock: Maybe that’s how he got his bug-eyes… by being a Peeping Tom and peeping REAL HARD.

[...]

As if Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t already massively uncomfortable from the basic racism on display here and there, one of the Comedy Duo tried to blend in with the crowd of natives by smearing grease all over his face, creating the infamous Black Face.  Lovelock asked Starkwell “is it racist to watch this… or?”  The Dancer was captured by a zombie and brought to Lugosi, who wants to make her go all zombie.  There was a moment where Lugosi, talking about the doctor who sent the Comedy Duo to the island, said very bluntly “I HATE HIM”.  I only mention the line because Lugosi delivered it with such ferocious passion that Lovelock and Starkwell re-watched it five times.

[...]

[Lugosi and his Assistant make the Duo dig their own graves.]

Lovelock: You would think they would catch on when the guy asked him to lie down so he could measure the size of the whole to dig…

Starkwell: Well, now where’s the humor in that?

[...]

Then Lugosi kidnaps the fat one of the Duo, Fat Mike, and turns him into a zombie.  He tries to turn the other guy, Jerry, into one as well, but he gets away thanks to the Dancer Girl, a little helper monkey and, eventually, the zombie Kolaga, who for some reason turns on his master.

[...]

[Jerry, Dancer Girl and the Monkey sneak past the Natives by pretending to be zombies after seeing Fat Mike walk past them no problemo.]

Lovelock: The little monkey had his arms up!  Oh now that’s just the most adorable thing ever.

Starkwell: Wait, so Fat Mike is just a zombie now… like forever?

Lovelock: A definite improvement.

[...]

[Right before the show, Fat Mike turns back into a regular human when he sees a girl bending over.]

Lovelock: So that’s all it takes?

Starkwell: If that were true, then wouldn't Kolaga have un-zombied when he watched the girl change earlier?

Lovelock: If logic was something worth worrying about... yes...

[...]

Anyways, apparently someone lifted the syringe with the zombie serum off Lugosi before he got axed because at the last minute Gangster Boss gets injected and turns into a zombie!  Just in time for the show!

[...]

[But wait!  Jerry just sat on the needle!  He’s a zombie now too!]

Lovelock: Sharing needles is not a laughing matter.

Starkwell: The more you know.

Lovelock: At least Dancer Girl just has to bend over or show some skin to turn him back.

[...]

The end.

I Walked With a Zombie.

Jacques Tourneur is often one of those names you hear referenced by film makers when talking zombie shop.  Considering that this is his one and only major entry into the genre, hopes are staggeringly high for this film.  This one was a Val Lewton production for RKO Pictures, which means the budget will be shoestring but that, nonetheless, the expectation is still that it will leave the crowd pleased.  When Starkwell and Lovelock are the crowd, it is almost impossible to predict these things.

[...]

[Opening credits roll.]

Lovelock: Wait… there’s an actor named Sir Lancelot?  How old is this movie?

[...]

Nurse Betsy, from CANADA, is sent to St-Sebastien to care for a rich dude’s wife.  There is a lot narration by Betsy as she goes about her business, as this whole thing is a flashback.  The mood, atmosphere, lighting, set design, directing, acting and writing are all top notch.  This of course means that Starkwell is ecstatic and Lovelock wants something to explode.

[...]

[Betsy hears a woman crying, while searching for the source she wanders into the sickly Ms. Holland wandering around like a zombie.]

Lovelock: No job is worth this shit.  I’d run home to Canada.

Starkwell: You and me both.

[...]

It is clear that Betsy’s employer Mr. Holland is creepy and not to be trusted.  Lovelock feels like it’s mostly due to his awful moustache.  Starkwell feels it’s because he CLEARLY is keeping his wife as some kind of horrible zombie.

[...]

[Singer Man sings a creepy song about the island.]

Lovelock: That’s the same guy and the same song in “Zombies On Broadway”.

Starkwell: This came out first so really… well never mind.  Anyways… That’s Sir Lancelot.

Lovelock: My hero.

[...]

Then there’s a whole thing where Betsy is worried about Wesley’s drinking problem.  But then she’s clearly hitting on Paul (whose wife she is caring for).  Starkwell was all confused.  He was sure she was into Wesley, but then suddenly she liked Paul.  Lovelock called her a slut and tried to high-five Starkwell, who then left him hanging.  Eventually Betsy hears that there are Voodoo Witchdoctors that could potentially help Ms. Holland and decides to bring Ms. Holland to them in the middle of the night.  It's all a bit soap opera-ish.

[...]

[There at the Voodoo ceremony, while Betsy has a conversation with Paul and Wesley’s mother, the natives stick a sword through Ms. Holland’s arm, which doesn’t bleed.]

Lovelock: That’s no way to treat a guest.

Starkwell: “Who’s this?  She doesn’t speak much… Let’s put a sword through her arm.”

Lovelock: That’s apparently their “zombie” test.

Starkwell: I’d hate to see the people that fail their test.

Lovelock: "The good news is, you're not a zombie.  Bad news? Well, you're about to die, I think I nicked an artery."

[...]

After Betsy takes Ms. Holland back home, the natives continue their ceremony, this time using some sort of doll they have dressed up like Ms. Holland. Eventually Paul and Wesley’s mother finally told everyone that she moonlights as a Voodoo Witchdoctor.

[...]

Lovelock: It’s a little strange that Paul doesn’t buy the whole Voodoo thing, but then openly admits to hearing people’s thoughts.

[...]

Anyways, Paul opens the gate to let zombie Ms. Holland wander the jungle in search of her Voodoo Masters.  But then he kills her and drowns himself in the ocean.  Then one second later, “THE END” and epic music plays.  Way epic, and way depressing.

[...]

Lovelock: So wait, I’m still confused.  Isn’t Betsy married to some guy in Canada?

The Face of Marble.

Known in the industry as William “One-Shot” Beaudine, Starkwell and Lovelock know him from their encounter with his earlier moving picture “The Living Ghost”.  Since that was hardly a pleasant experience, Starkwell already has said “let’s see if he’s William ‘One-Shit’ Beaudine, or if indeed, he took many shits and called it cinema.  William "One-Shot / Many-Shits" Beaudine.”  Off to a good start.  Lovelock thinks maybe John Carradine can help this one suck less.  This was filmed sometime in the 1940s, likely in a day, after Beaudine had the opportunity to make a movie centered on Bela Lugosi in a gorilla suit, but long before he shot episodes of "Lassie".  Exactly.

[...]

[African American Butler(?) comes to inform Woman of the House, Elaine, of some strange things going down.]

Starkwell: The year was 1946, and racism was alive and well on the big screen.

Lovelock: Did she just say “let the boy speak”?

Starkwell: I feel really uncomfortable.

[...]

The quality of the print was worse than atrocious.  The dialogue was muddled and gross sounding and, for some reason, the image on the screen was shaking continuously.  It would be interesting to imagine that this was done on purpose back in the 40s, but clearly it’s just a shitty copy of a film that likely barely exists anymore.

[...]

[Woman interrupts the Men Doctors doing science.]

Starkwell: Clearly, science is a man’s world!

Lovelock: Did he just tell her to “leave us, like a 'good girl'”?

Starkwell: I feel really uncomfortable.

[...]

Turns out the two Doctors stole a dead body off the beach from a shipwreck.  They’re seemingly only SLIGHTLY worried whether or not the authorities will be upset that they STOLE A DEAD MAN.  But then they revive said dead guy momentarily, and claim that he has a “face of marble”.  Then he re-dies, and the doctor says “he’s dead, QUITE dead.”  Lovelock and Starkwell laughed hysterically.

[...]

[Scientists talk about ‘Maria the Help’ and her “crazy jungle mumbo jumbo”.]

Starkwell: I repeat. I feel really uncomfortable.

[...]

It’s clear that Woman actually is in love with Young Doctor David, instead of her husband, Older Doctor Charles.  Maria the Help has been putting Voodoo Dolls under David’s pillow, trying to curse him into loving Elaine… I think.

[...]

[David drops Voodoo Doll into acid, Maria the Help faints and falls down the stairs.]

Lovelock: BEST. STUNT. EVER.

Starkwell: I wonder how much they paid that old woman for that…

Lovelock: Not enough.

Starkwell: Thankfully he’s William “One-Shot” Beaudine, otherwise Maria the Actress would be dead.

[...]

[Dr. Charles killed the dog Brutus, in order to try to revive him.]

Starkwell: WHY in the FUCK would he KILL THE DOG?!?!?!

Lovelock: “Now now, I could try a mouse, or a rat, or, Hell, even a raccoon from the yard, but no, doggone it, let’s try with my wife’s beloved dog.  It worked so well on that sailor yesterday… oh… wait… oops.”

[It doesn’t work… or does it?  They suddenly hear Brutus barking.]

Lovelock: Might be the earliest incarnation of the zombie dog.

Starkwell: He seems mean as Hell.

[Dr. Charles shoots the zombie dog, but he doesn’t die!  Then he JUMPS THROUGH THE WINDOW WITHOUT BREAKING IT, like a ghost.]

Starkwell: A couple of things… why would he have a gun?  Also... walking through walls?

Lovelock: So… super powered zombie dog?  He isn’t harmed by bullets and can traverse through walls.  Eat that, “Resident Evil” dogs.  Also, eat that, “Kitty Pride”.

[...]

[Elaine gives Dr. David a huge wet kiss for his birthday, but then his fiancée shows up, and then Elaine gets all sour and bitchy.]

Starkwell: Awkward.

Lovelock: So, Elaine is a bit of a whore… Am I right, guys?

[...]

The cop informs us that it turns out the zombie dog has been killing farm animals by biting their throats and draining their blood.  I believe Lovelock’s reaction was “fucking amazing. Walks through walls, can’t die, bloodsucker.  Best dog of all time.  Scooby-Doo?  You know what, fuck Scooby-Doo.”

[...]

[Maria the Help tries to kill Fiancée, but ends up killing Elaine instead.]

Starkwell: I love how they aren’t even curious about who killed her.

Lovelock: Hey, all that matters is that now they have a new dog and/or woman to try their SCIENCE on.

Starkwell: Seriously.  Why aren’t they like “HEY WHO KILLED ELAINE”?

Lovelock: When life hands these guys lemons, they make zombie dogs.

[...]

Eventually they revive Elaine, and, obviously, she has THE FACE OF MARBLE just like the dead sailor.  "Whatever that means", says Lovelock.  What makes no sense to Starkwell or Lovelock is why they thought it would work at all.  They haven’t changed anything about their formula.  Two days ago they failed to revive a sailor, then they turned a dog into a zombie bloodsucker, now they think WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR FORMULA, that the results will change.

[...]

Starkwell: They are the worst scientists ever.

Lovelock: Says you… ZOMBIE DOG for the win.

Starkwell: I don’t feel like I’ve won.

[...]

[Zombie Elaine and Zombie Brutus, apparently now under Maria the Help’s control kill Dr. Charles… by stabbing him in the back.]

Lovelock: Ummm… I was lead to believe that there would be throat tearing and blood sucking…

Starkwell: Wait… so was it the experiment that revived her or voodoo?  What about Brutus?  This is all a real mess…

Lovelock: I feel cheated.  I want my Zombie Dog action.  Fuck you, Beaudine.

[...]

What pisses Starkwell off even more is that Elaine wakes up and seems perfectly normal the next day.  So the experiment doesn’t work, then it does on a dog, but turns him into a killer, but then it works on Elaine when combined with Voodoo, but she's being controlled by Maria, but then all of a sudden, so is the dog?  Garbage.  After a HILARIOUS scene where David punches a cop, eventually the Starkwell/Lovelock laughter died down, only for them to realize that the movie had ended.  Apparently Maria killed herself and Zombie Elaine and Zombie Brutus walked into the ocean.  Yes, for real.  Considering that "Face of Marble" was just something that Dr. David said a couple of times, but had absolutely nothing to do with anything, it seems like an odd choice for the film title.  But then again, Ol' Billy "One-Shot" likely wasn't known for making good choices.  Or ones that made any sense.

The Living Ghost.

Although the title leads one to believe that maybe this is a ghost movie, rather than an old fashioned zombie romp, the story here apparently involves a man in a zombie-like state.  Not really dead, not really alive, and most likely, not really entertaining either.  But that doesn’t mean that Starkwell and Lovelock won’t at least find SOMETHING to talk about.  The movie’s only about an hour long, so at least there may be less DEAD air to fill.  See what I did there?

[...]

[The British Board of films informs us that this is rated ‘A’, for adult.]

Lovelock: ‘A’ for adult?  What kind of rating system is that?  And why ‘British’?  The film is American.

Starkwell: I can already tell I’m giving this an ‘F’.

[...]

[Stuff happens.  There’s a guy that talks really fast.]

Starkwell: What the fuck is even going on?

Lovelock: I think someone is missing.  And people want to look for him.

[...]

Then two characters visit some ‘doctor’ or ‘psychic’ or ‘medium’ or something.  Whatever.  He has a towel on his head.  His name is NICK TRAYNE.

[...]

[Girl tries to use reverse psychology on the ‘psychic’ to convince him to TAKE THE CASE.  And it works.]

Starkwell: You’d think he wouldn’t be so easily manipulated, given that he's some kind of psychic and shit.

Lovelock: The important thing to note is that he just told the girl that he wanted to bend her over his knee.  I assume to spank her.  In fact he PROMISED he would.

Starkwell: No wonder it was rated ‘A’.

Lovelock: Did he just ask when he would be ‘getting off’?

[...]

[The missing Mr. Craig shows back up at the house, as a vegetable lasagna zombie.  Old woman screams and wakes everyone up.  Like a dozen people run out into the foyer...]

Lovelock: How many people live in this house?

Starkwell: I still don’t know what the hell is going on.

[...]

Then the two sat bored.  Really bored.  The dialogue was awkward.  There were so many characters on the screen at certain moments that they weren’t even sure who was who and who was even talking.  Some of the dialogue felt ad-libbed.  It didn’t help make anything any more interesting.  Honestly, neither Starkwell nor Lovelock are really sure who any of the characters are.  I think one’s a doctor, one’s a psychic.  There are definitely a few loonies in the mix…

[...]

Lovelock: Wake me up if something happens.

[...]

Nothing happened.  I mean, there were lots of people interacting, but it was one hell of a mess.  I mean, they tried to explain everything, but the explanation was totally insane.  The important thing is the film ends with Nick Trayne spanking the girl.  Just like he promised he would.

[...]

Starkwell: Rated ‘A’ for ass spanking.

Lovelock: I’m awake! I’m awake. I'm... awake?

Bowery at Midnight.

Wallace Fox directs the original Zombie master Bela Lugosi in this 1942 crime epic.  Epic?  Well, maybe not.  But the director’s name is Wallace Fox.  How cool is that?  I think Starkwell and Lovelock would settle for “watchable” at this point.  Not knowing much about this film going in simply means that this isn’t over before it even starts.

[...]

[Prison break?]

Starkwell: Who surrounds a prison with a rickety old wooden fence?

Lovelock: Apparently, prison guards in the forties that SUCK AT AIMING.

[...]

[Lugosi takes ‘Fingers’ the escaped convict into his secret office.]

Lovelock: They just don’t make secret offices like they used to.

[...]

[Lugosi uses the jewellery from his big score to give his ugly wife a present.  Also, he’s a psychology teacher.]

Lovelock: She’s easily thirty years younger than him.  Awesome.  And she doesn’t even like the pearls.

Starkwell: Wait… how many lives is he leading?  Soup kitchen owner, author, teacher, husband, crime boss  and thief… ????

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell were more than confused by the absurd number of characters popping up, and the fast moving, and seemingly incoherent story.  The fast pace did impress them, but not enough to overlook how little sense it all made.

[...]

Lovelock: Don’t the police know by now, that when someone says “I’d be happy to cooperate with the police” that something is very fishy?

Starkwell: I guess in the forties they still hadn't figured that out...

[...]

[Lugosi kills another stooge, and buries him in his basement.]

Starkwell: I think if I killed people, I wouldn’t keep them in graves in my basement WITH SIGNS INDICATING THEIR NAMES.

Lovelock: Well, that’s one way to do it.

[...]

As confused as they were by all the characters on screen, Lovelock and Starkwell still laughed at the fact that the Judy girl turned down the dude’s proposal.  Starkwell is pretty sure Judy’s boyfriend is the hero… Lovelock isn’t sure if he realizes that the soup kitchen owner is his psychology professor.

[...]

[Dudeface poses as a homeless man to gain access to the soup kitchen.  He realizes that the soup kitchen owner is actually Lugosi, and then he confronts him about his secret identity.  Lugosi kills him.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never moonlight as a homeless man.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: That’s also why I never talked to professors in college.

Starkwell: Dudeface must be the oldest college kid in the world.

[...]

[Apparently the schizophrenic janitor at the soup kitchen revives the corpses that Lugosi has been killing and keeps them in the basement below the basement.]

Lovelock: Zombies!

Starkwell: Well… why are there… ?  Wait, what?  I’m… umm…

[...]

Honestly, I think the convoluted plot just broke Starkwell’s brain.  It was so ridiculous that when Lugosi killed his wife (the one from the Psychology teacher side of his life) Lovelock asked “Wait, who was that?”  Whatever... as the police close in on Lugosi, Dr. Schizo sends him into the sub-basement where he is keeping all of his zombies, and the zombies all kill him.  Then, cut IMMEDIATELY to Judy’s house, and not only is Richard (a.k.a. Dudeface) no longer dead and a zombie, but Judy’s planning to marry him?  What the…  So the schizo janitor wasn't making zombies?  He was legitimately resurrecting people?  My brain is broken now too.

Valley of the Zombies.

I’ve honestly never heard anything about this film.  But if we’ve learned anything from other movies from around this time that have the word zombie in the title, it’s that they often barely feature any zombies.  Let’s wait and see, I guess, if this 1946 venture is guilty of the same.

[...]

[Someone has stolen twelve pints of blood from the hospital.]

Starkwell: The stage is set.

[Caped Man sneaks into Dr. Rufus Maynard’s office.]

Starkwell: Wait, no one saw him come in?  They just left through that door.

Lovelock: Honestly, who cares, the dude in the cape is awesome and creepy and the best.

Starkwell: Ormond Murks and Rufus Maynard… this movie might have the best names ever.

[...]

As Ormond kills Rufus for his blood, Starkwell noted that “people don’t talk like this anymore, and, really, that’s a shame.”  Lovelock responded something along the lines of having heard that before and called Starkwell a nerd.  They did seem pretty psyched about the movie so far.

[...]

[Cops see Ormond digging a grave.]

Starkwell: Did the cop just say “he ain’t diggin’ potatoes”?

Lovelock: Did he just say “the party that has a peculiar passion for pickling”?

[...]

The cops go to the hospital and find Dr. Evans and Nurse Drake.  The cops are pretty insensitive.  As Lovelock said, “it’s almost comical.”  Even more insane is how calm and funny Evans and Drake are acting when the cops are interrogating them.  These are some pretty dumb cops.

[...]

[Dr. Evans and Nurse Drake are essentially trying to be like the Hardy Boys.]

Starkwell: Why would they try and solve the case?

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that they think it’s so hilarious that they are the top suspects in a murder investigation.

Starkwell: Best line so far is the Nurse’s supremely sexist “You might need help, and I’m good at screaming.”

Lovelock: That’s what them skirts do best.  Well that and getting’ into trouble.  Lousy dames.

[...]

As the film played out like a live action episode of Scooby Doo, the pair seemed both interested and bored all at the same time.  They perked up during a somewhat interesting car chase sequence.  Honestly, it was pretty impressive for 1946.

[...]

[Hypnotized Nurse Drake works with Ormond.]

Starkwell: Make up your mind, movie… Is it voodoo, black magic or hypnosis?

[Things resolve and the movie ends immediately.]

Lovelock: Yay!

The Man With Two Lives.

If not for box sets that combine a whole ton of random old movies, some films would likely be forgotten forever.  In some cases, the film is probably best left forgotten, but at times, long lost gems are unearthed.  Anyways, let’s let Allen Starkwell and Lionel Lovelock see if this moving picture from the forties is a gem or a dud.  The good news is, if it’s a dud, it’s only about an hour long.

[...]

[GRAINY OPENING CREDITS.]

Starkwell: I feel a little sea sick.

Lovelock: Life in the forties was shakier, full of motion sickness and scratches.

Starkwell: That didn’t make any sense.

Lovelock: Didn’t it?

Starkwell: No.  No, it didn’t.

[...]

[Engagement party.]

Lovelock: Am I crazy, or is this the worst party ever?

Starkwell: You’re not crazy.  Half of these people look like they want to kill themselves.

Lovelock: Yeah, and the other half already look dead.  From boredom.

Starkwell: I know how they feel.

[...]

They began to doze off, but then there was a surprisingly high speed car crash killing Philip, the groom-to-be, and they woke up laughing and commenting about the dangers of fiddling with radio knobs while driving towards a truck really fast.  Then Philip is brought back to life in the lamest mad scientist resurrection scene ever filmed.  Lovelock lost all hope.  Starkwell kept hoping for some social commentary to creep in.

[...]

[Philip has amnesia.]

Lovelock: Apparently in the forties, the undead were basically the same as they were before death, except they don’t remember much, and are quite grouchy.

Starkwell: Sounds more like an alcoholic.  And now he is at the bar – drinking.  Maybe the film is trying to comment on alcoholism, and how it can affect the people around you.

Lovelock: Well, it’s a considerably less severe side effect then eating people. And a lot less fun to watch. 

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: That’s why I never drink.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why… wait… you do drink.

Lovelock: Yeah but not like people in the nineteen forties.

[...]

Then Philip started hanging out with bad dudes, and shooting people, and hitting on loose women.  It’s like he has TWO LIVES.  Starkwell liked the idea enough, and assumes that Philip is just downward spiralling into the pit of alcoholism, saying “I assume all of this is because of cursed alcohol.  In fact, he was probably drunk while driving the night that he crashed.”  Lovelock just said something about how much this all sucks.

[...]

[Philip chokes woman.]

Lovelock: Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta choke a bitch?

Starkwell: I love that as she is being choked she says, quite matter of factly, “your hands are on my neck, you’re choking me.”

Lovelock: Well how else would we know what is happening, since the director decided to pan over to the desk?

[...]

Then there was a lengthy discussion between the three oldest actors ever involving the soul, and the transmigration of the soul that put Lovelock to sleep.  Sometime after watching a shootout between Philip and to coppers, Starkwell turned to sleeping Lovelock and woke him up by shouting “SOUL TRANSMIGRATION” in is face.  Lovelock did not find it very funny.  Then the old fogies discovered that the Panini Serial Killer guy was executed on the night that they revived Philip.  And they all look at each other and thought SOUL TRANSMIGRATION.  Then Philip killed some people, and one of the old guys kills Philip.

[...]

[PHILIP WAKES UP IN BED AND IT WAS ALL JUST A TERRIBLE DREAM.]

Starkwell: Wait… there was no transmigration of the soul?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

Starkwell: Is he an alcoholic?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

Starkwell: So there's no actual re-animated corpse?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

[...]

Then it abruptly said THE END for a half a second and the DVD stops.  Lovelock let out a small but meaningful scream and Starkwell just sat there wondering what the point was.  Answer: There was none.

King of the Zombies.

It seems that a lot of older zombie films involve people ending up on a weird island full of spooky ghouls and zombies and crazy people.  Apparently 1941’s “King of the Zombies” is no different.  Lovelock wants to meet the actual King of the Zombies and thank him for the awesome movies based on his peoples.  Starkwell tried to tell him that there was no actual King of the Zombies, but Lovelock interrupted him mid sentence with a well placed armpit fart.  This is another one of those Million-Movies-on-One-Disc type of deals, so I’ve already warned them that the quality of the picture will be less than ideal.

[...]

[Intro credits.]

Lovelock: Am I the only one who feels like we’re about to watch a “Looney Tunes” cartoon?

Starkwell: Yes... okay, no.

[...]

[CLEARLY a Model Airplane landing in CLEARLY a Model Forest.]

Lovelock: I miss playing with toys.

Starkwell: It's only a model.

[...]

[Jefferson Jackson cracks wise!]

Lovelock: I can’t tell if I find Mantan Moreland’s performance offensive or hilarious.

Starkwell: How about both?

Lovelock: Maybe it’s best if we don’t think about it too much.  

Starkwell: Or talk about it.

Lovelock: Nice hat!

Starkwell: Should we be talking about this?

[...]

[They find a mansion on the otherwise uninhabited island.]

Lovelock: I can see where “Lost” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Dude, you’ve used that one before.

Lovelock: “Gilligan’s Island”?

Starkwell: Whatever.

[...]

[The Black servants are zombies.  Jackson sees them.  The White lame people don’t believe him.]

Starkwell: Pretty edgy social commentary for 1941…

Lovelock: Do you think they knew what they were implying when they filmed it?

Starkwell: I sincerely hope so.

[...]

[Tuxedo Pants introduces the guys to some kind of rich white girl zombie.]

Starkwell: Wait, that’s his wife?  They’re commenting on both racial AND gender inequality in the 1940s?  Insane!

Lovelock: Rich white men are sucking the life out of women and ethnic groups and controlling them like mindless meat puppets to do their dirty work.

Starkwell: I’m proud of you.

Lovelock: Not to mention, it’s becoming quite clear that the two wooden white guys, parading around in Hugh Hefner gowns, are just there for show, and Jackson is the real hero of the picture.

Starkwell: I’m really impressed… you’re really getting into this!

Lovelock: Actually, I’m bored as shit.  When are the Black servants going to start eating people?

Starkwell: It was nice while it lasted.

[...]

The movie crawled forward like molasses on an uneven kitchen floor, but still managed to hold Starkwell’s interest.  Lovelock, on the other hand, said “snoozers” out loud at one point, after which Starkwell punched him in the nuts.  Eventually there were some awkwardly offensive “Voodoo” things happening on screen, and then, an eventual zombie uprising.  The dialogue confused everyone and really just left a lot of unanswered questions.  One thing is for sure, Mantan Moreland steals the show here.  After the insanely abrupt ending, the credits rolled, and Starkwell got up slowly, nodded his head and said “Powerful stuff.”  Then Lovelock got up slowly, nodded his head, and said “Also, dull as balls.”  Different strokes for different folks.

[...]

Lovelock: “Temple of Doom”.  “Temple of Doom” totally got its story from this.