Deadheads.

Recently the market has become saturated with comedic zombie fare.  Most of these comedies have difficulty paying proper tribute to the source material that it attempts to make light of, and ends up coming across as a huge turd of no laughs, no scares, no interest.  The relatively new “Deadheads” got mixed reviews, as these films often do, so I will leave it up to Lovelock and Starkwell to judge this one.   Since Starkwell first thought that he was about to watch a documentary about “Grateful Dead” fans, I can’t help but feel like he will mostly be disappointed.

[...]

[“Grainy” filter is applied to the film during the intro credits.]

Starkwell: I can’t help but feel like Rob Rodriguez ruined ACTUAL old grainy films for me forever.

Lovelock: Well, at least it’s only in the intro…

Starkwell: That doesn’t make it ok.

[...]

We are introduced to two zombies that haven’t lost brain function, but apparently still need to eat flesh.  The musical score, a tad cartoonish, has been referred to as “out-of-place and distracting” by Starkwell.

[...]

[Police man asks ain character if he has seen “Dawn of the Dead”.]

Starkwell: Seriously?  Smells like Altman.  Looks like we have another Robert Altman style of writer.  Talking about movies NEVER SOUNDS NATURAL OR COOL.  Ever.

Lovelock: I think you mean Mark Altman.  The dude behind "Dead and Deader", among others...

Starkwell: What did I say?

Lovelock: Not that.

Starkwell: Ok.  Whatever, I’m still waiting for Jerry Garcia.

[...]

[Comic Relief Guy mentions and ridicules the “Transformers” movie.]

Lovelock: When Christian Slater talks about Sonny Chiba in “True Romance”, it’s actually pretty sweet…

Starkwell: Fair enough, but we're nowhere near that right now.

Lovelock: True.

[Comic Relief Guy compares main character to Luke Skywalker.]

Starkwell: Seriously. Enough.

[...]

The jokes aren’t terrible.  They’re not getting giant laughs.  Rather, they’re getting some minor smiles out of both Lovelock and Starkwell.  It’s unclear what is going on in the film, though.  It would appear that Mike, normal guy, and Brent, comic relief guy, have woken up right at the beginning of the zombie outbreak.  We have also found out that they died about three years ago.

[...]

[Evil Corporation is behind the Outbreak, NERDY GIRL talks with a nasal voice.]

Starkwell: Why would she talk like that?

Lovelock: Possibly to make us turn it off.

Starkwell: I’m close.  Believe me.

[...]

Then there was a drawn out scene with an old guy talking about his Vietnamese whore wife, and how she satisfied all of his sexual desires.  It was as awkward as it sounds.  Then we’re introduced to another character who talks in a stupid voice.  Handlebar Mustache.  Sounds like a Pro Wrestler, or a Gay Porn Star.  This is according to Lovelock.

[...]

[Random Black Guy is recruited by the Evil Corporation to kill all the zombies.]

Starkwell: Soooooo… as long as he “gets paid he gonna bring dem zombies?”  Weak.

Lovelock: Of course he's an escaped convict.

[...]

Then there’s a scene where a zombie, Brent’s pet zombie named Cheese, was driving a car.  Starkwell has had issues with this sort of thing in the past.  Lovelock tried to reassure him, and actually convinced him to stick around.  Although the humor, again, isn’t awful, Starkwell is wondering when something might actually happen.

[...]

[Mike gets stoned and talks about Vampires and Werewolves and how to kill them.]

Starkwell: Am I the only one that thinks this routine sounds like a failed stand-up bit?

Lovelock: Dude, it sounds like the kind of shit people would do at the Open Mics you used to do.

Starkwell: At least those had a two drink minimum…

Lovelock: It would take more than two drinks to save this one.

[...]

Seriously, nothing is happening.

[...]

[Brent’s dick falls off, he holds it up, then puts it in his pocket.]

Starkwell: I’m out.  Let me know how it ends.

Lovelock: Really?

Starkwell: No.

Lovelock: No, you’re not leaving?

Starkwell: No, don’t tell me how it ends.

[...]

Zombie Hunter apparently met up with Handlebar Guy and his sidekick.  They’re tracking Brent and Mike, apparently the Evil Scientists had injected them with some other version of the virus.

[...]

[They go to watch “Evil Dead” at a Drive-Thru.]

Lovelock: Good thing Starkwell isn’t here for this.

[...]

About forty five minutes in, things really start picking up, the plot ACTUALLY thickens a little.  Not to a melted cheese thickness, but more to the thickness of a watery bowl of oatmeal.  Which is a welcome change, since, as Lovelock says, “thus far it’s been as thin as Starkwell’s hair”.  That insult was enough to bring Starkwell back into the room.  Once he saw the newly thickened plot, he decided to stick around.  Then there was a “Goonies” reference, and actually, Starkwell reacted to it quite positively.  So it turns out that Mike’s girlfriend’s father is the one that killed him.  Also, he’s the CEO of the Evil Corporation behind the virus.

[...]

Starkwell: So, why is it no one seems to know that there’s an outbreak going on?

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the outbreak fell on the night of his ten year high school reunion.

[...]

HOLY SHIT THIS THING IS DRAGGING.  There’s only twenty minutes left, and they haven’t explained anything.  Nor has anything really happened.  As always, I’m paraphrasing here.  They both said something along those lines.  Then the film basically tries to tie everything up in five minutes.

[...]

Starkwell: Why would the Zombie Hunter guy suddenly be a good guy?

Lovelock: For the same reason that there basically aren’t any zombies at all, anywhere, anymore, since the beginning of the movie.

Starkwell: For the same reason that all of a sudden now bullets hurt them, and being hit by a truck hurts them, and they actually limp and stuff.

Lovelock: For the same reason that ALL THIS SHIT.  And so on and so forth.

[...]

The end, basically.

[...]

Starkwell: But, how could zombie Mike and the girl end up together?  Won’t his wiener fall off?  Why isn’t the dad in jail?

Lovelock: And why did they bother having that nerd girl character with the nasal voice?  Why was the corporation developing a re-animating drug anyways? Why did they hint at the fact that Handlebar Mustache was going to find Brent's severed penis in his pocket, but then they never developed it?

Starkwell: What a mess.  Just because it’s a comedy doesn’t mean you can just do anything.

Lovelock: This felt like one of those movies based off of a "Saturday Night Live" skit.  There is NO REASON for it to exist in the first place, let alone be ninety minutes long.

Starkwell: I don’t think I could have said it any better.

Mulberry Street.

Part of the 2007 “After Dark Horrorfest” releases, “Mulberry Street” is apparently a fresh take on the zombie sub-genre.  According to the box.  From the description, it sounds like "C.H.U.D." meets ZOMBIES meets whatever.  The director, Jim Mickle, later went on to write and direct “Stake Land”, which was generally well liked and well received by critics… so that’s promising.  After about seven million previews, we eventually make it to the DVD menu in one piece and I start this sucker.  The film begins with main character, Clutch, jogging around NYC at dawn.  We get glimpses of billboards for some big, likely evil, corporation called CROME, hear talk about protestors in the city, and get some obvious foreshadowing of what’s to come when they show huge inflatable rats.

[...]

[We are introduced to some people in Clutch’s apartment building, as well as to his soldier daughter who is coming home... from the war?  Wheelchair Guy, who lives in Clutch's building is to be evicted by the owners of the building, the CROME Corporation...]

Lovelock: What… a… DUMP!  I’d be happy to let the CROME Corporation evict me.

[Also, we see a dead girl in a dumpster outside, bitten to death by rats.  Then Dead Dumpster Girl, back from the dead,  kills wheelchair guy… inside the apartment building... I think.]

Starkwell: So… Dead Girl from dumpster kills Wheelchair Guy?

Lovelock: I think…

[...]

The Super of the building picks up a seemingly dead rat.  It bites him.  He throws it to the ground and steps on it.  Lovelock then did a jump kick, overly excited for the promise of rat zombies.  Then the news starts showing reports of rat attacks all across the city which only furthered his desire to perform jump kicks.  Lovelock and Starkwell didn’t have much to say.  They were genuinely interested in the story, the characters, and the direction that the film was heading in.

[...]

[The Super starts growing hair in weird places.]

Lovelock: Isn’t he a little old for puberty… oh wait.

[...]

[The rat attacks happening in the subway systems are on the rise.  The entire subway system is shut down.  The city is in a state of emergency.]

Lovelock: See!?!?  If it can happen with rats, it could TOTALLY happen with birds.  Irrational fear of birds has been validated.

Starkwell: You realize this is a movie, right?

Lovelock: Validated.

[...]

Soldier Girl is just trying to get home to see her dad.  She doesn’t really know what’s going on, but there are some genuinely creepy shots of her walking around a deserted park.  Then she picked up an abandoned bicycle and started biking the city.  Starkwell was impressed, he felt tense.  Lovelock was waiting for all Hell to break loose.

[...]

[Drunk people sexing in a bar bathroom are eaten by a rat zombie… woman?]

Lovelock: And that’s why I never have sex in a bar bathroom.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well, that and herpes.  The ol' herps.

[...]

Then all Hell officially breaks loose.  As the bar owner kills rat zombies with a frying pan, Lovelock played air guitar and made up a song about rat zombies.  I think he rhymed “eating dudes” and “woman foods” at one point, if that makes ANY sense.  STarkwell, always concerned about continuity, was wondering why the bar people turned rat zombie so quickly, whereas the Super at the apartment, as well as Wheelchair Guy, seem to take a while.

[...]

[Soldier Girl, still biking, bikes by people being eaten by rat zombies.]

Lovelock: I fucking hate bikers in the city.

Starkwell: Can’t you make an exception here? … I mean, there are no cars… everyone is being eaten.  Rat zombies patrol the city...

Lovelock: Watch, now I bet she’ll do one of those stupid arm signals.  YEAH WE SEE YOU, get off the road!

[...]

Soldier Girl is still traveling the city, trying to get to her dad.  Now she has a pickup truck.  Meanwhile Clutch goes to rescue his next door neighbor.  Somewhere in the chaos, Clutch put his fist through a rat zombie’s head.  Lovelock let out a very loud "SHABLAMMO", whatever that means.  Then, quite unexpectedly, Clutch and Neighbor Woman run into Soldier Girl and the Neighbor Woman is eaten immediately.  Whatever Lovelock said at that point was incomprehensible.  It was a mixture of shock, happiness, nervousness and a fart.  It was no shablammo.  As the surviving members of the shithole apartment bunker down into two of the apartments, Starkwell and Lovelock looked visibly STRESSED OUT.

[...]

[Basically everyone except Clutch and his daughter are eaten by rat zombies.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

Lovelock: WAAaaaaaaaaaah...

[...]

[Right around dawn, a bunch of dudes in HASMAT suits storm the city, armed with… flashlights ?  Flashlight guns?  Clutch dies.  I think HASMATs kill the daughter.]

Starkwell: Wait… bright flashes of light hurt them?  But then wouldn’t the sun have just taken care of them?  Why bother with that if everyone’s dead anyways?

Lovelock: I’m still trying to figure out if they were implying that Clutch and the other guy were gay…

Starkwell: Wait, so was it the CROME Corporation?

Lovelock: Wait, is Soldier Girl dead... wait why?

[...]

There was definite confusion at the end (and throughout much of the film), but a great flick nonetheless.  Fresh take?  Not so much, though.

Resident Evil: Afterlife.

The fourth instalment of the series finds Paul Anderson taking the helm once again as director.  Considering the first film was the only other film that he directed, and it was Starkwell and Lovelock’s LEAST favorite, he certainly has his work cut out for him to get them back on team Anderson.  Granted, even if the story and character development suffer, he can always just launch loads of confused and naked Milla scenes at the audience in a desperate attempt to win them over.  Usually successfully.  I’ve made a point to tell Starkwell and Lovelock that I had them watch all of the “Resident Evil” movies in one week because, in fact, this is not the last film in the series and that the new one JUST CAME OUT IN THEATRES, IN 3D!!!  But then I immediately pulled the rug out from under them and told them that I had no intention to treat them to a night at the theater, so they’d have to wait for a DVD release.  I think I referred to them as “bitches” at one point.  Like “you bitches are gonna have to wait for the DVD, and that shit won’t be in 3D, and you won’t get no damn cool glasses”.  I like keeping their spirits down.  Usually I do that by showing them horrible movies.  This was just more fun.  Ok, let’s get all ‘Afterlifey’ in this mofo.

[...]

[Intro is slow motion Japanese people walking with umbrellas in the rain.  One girl has no umbrella.]

Starkwell: In a land of Umbrellas, one girl stands alone.

[Umbrella-less girl goes zombie and eats a guy.]

Lovelock: You were giving Anderson way too much poetic credit there.

[...]

After a very brief recap, the secret Tokyo Umbrella lab is invaded by a super powered ninja Alice.  Who then gets shot and killed… but then…

[...]

[There are a whole shitload of Super Powered Ninja Alices storming the place.]

Starkwell: I don’t know if it’s specifically because of Captain Sunglasses, or just the way that this is all going down, with all of the slo-mo and martial arty action, but I can’t help but feel like I’m watching a remake of “The Matrix” starring Milla Jovovich.

Lovelock: I think that’s not even the same actor playing Captain Sunglasses… or at least he sounds different.  I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Starkwell: Agent Smith, he's trying to sound like Agent Smith.

Lovelock: At least Anderson knows his audience... I guess...

[...]

Then Alice is made human again… and yet SOMEHOW she immediately survives a plane crash that exploded like the Deth Starr.  Lovelock started laughing, but Starkwell was being a real sourpuss.  I guess he really prefers films without GINORMOUS plot holes.

[...]

[Alice lands in Alaska, flying some kind of old World War II plane.]

Starkwell: Alice is… THE RED BARON.

[...]

Alice finds Claire, but she was being controlled by some kind of Umbrella Remote Control thing.  Once the thing is destroyed, she doesn’t remember Alice.  Eventually Claire remembers everything.  Seriously, having her memory be temporarily lost served no purpose.  So they go looking for the rest of their crew, trying to piece together what happened in Alaska.  Then they land on a building in Los Angeles, right as they run out of gas.

[...]

[Umbrella can hear everything that Alice says.]

Starkwell: How can Alice be that dumb?  She knows they are monitoring her every move...

Lovelock: Well, someone who wakes up naked and confused as often as she does can’t possibly be the sharpest tool in the shed.

Starkwell: Hey… good point, no Nude Milla yet.

Lovelock: Well, this was the first of the series made AFTER they got married… maybe Anderson suddenly didn’t like EVERYONE seeing his wife naked, wet and confused.

[...]

[Chris, played by Wentworth Miller, is locked in the Building Gang’s holding cell.]

Lovelock: Pffff… like that little cage can hold Michael Scofield.

[...]

[Alice shows off her knives and guns and coin collection.]

Starkwell: Of course she collects coins.

[...]

[The Building Gang still has running water, Alice is about to strip and take a shower, but is interrupted by mutant zombies.]

Lovelock: Oh COME ON!!!  Now he’s just teasing us!  It’s like he’s TRYING to remind us that there is no naked, wet and confused Milla in this one.

[...]

Anyways, the action pressed on, as the Building Gang tried to find a way out of there.  As usual, Anderson has no trouble killing people off as quickly as he introduces them.  The action scenes are pretty over the top and cheesy, but what else could you expect?

[...]

[Alice flies off the roof, swinging on a cable and mows down zombies in mid-air, to a techno soundtrack.]

Lovelock: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

[...]

[Super zombie fights Alice and Claire with some sort of super hammer.]

Starkwell: Where does a zombie get a hammer like that?

Lovelock: I assume the same place Alice got her ‘Red Baron’ plane.

Starkwell: And how would he learn to use it?

Lovelock: Probably at the same school that taught Alice how to jump kick dogs.

[...]

Alice, Chris and Claire are the only ones to survive and they eventually make it to the Arcadia, a ship sitting just off the coast of L.A.

[...]

[The Arcadia is some sort of SECRET UMBRELLA LAB.]

Starkwell: How many secret labs can one company possibly have?  Every time Alice destroys one and is all “that’s the last of them” it’s all “aw hell no it ain’t”… getting A LITTLE OLD.

Lovelock: You’re getting a little old.

[...]

Captain Sunglasses is still alive, and acting all Agent Smithy.  He has zombie dogs that look like they’re from “The Thing”.  Anyways, they fight and eventually it’s the end and it’s happy, OR IS IT!?!?! OBVIOUSLY NOT and so everything is set up for another film.  And there are twists!!  It’s clear that the next film will start with INSTANT EXPLOSIONS OF ACTION.  Starkwell and Lovelock did enjoy this one, but are now even more disappointed about the fact that they can’t see what happens next.  That mixed with Lovelock’s disappointment that we were not treated with a naked and confused Milla has created a grim atmosphere here in the TV room.  Spirits are low.  Good.  They were getting a little too comfortable.

Resident Evil: Extinction.

Will all the characers be back, or will they have randomly and inexplicably disappeared?  What will happen with puppet Alice?  How often will Milla Jovovich end up confused and naked, and often times, soaking wet?  Starkwell and Lovelock sit patiently, prepared to do the research necessary to answer these questions and many more, and likely make all sorts of jokes in between.  Let’s see what happens as they see what happens as the DVD explodes into the DVD player and onto the screen.  Like Apocalypse, this was written but not directed by Anderson.  This time, Russell Mulcahy takes the reigns.  He is known, by me, as the dude that directed “Highlander”.  Ready, set, EXTINCTION.

[...]

Lovelock: There can be only one!

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Last time, I promise.

[...]

[Opens with same sequence from the first film of… Milla Jovovich, naked and confused.]

Lovelock: I prefer all new naked and confused footage, but I suppose this counts.

[...]

[Scientists dump dead Alice into a pile of dead Alices.]

Lovelock: What the-

[...]

Then the film explained how the virus was not wiped out when they bombed Racoon City.  The whole world is over run with zombies.  This is all it took for Lovelock to simultaneously cry tears of joy, high five Starkwell and do a roundhouse jump kick while playing air guitar.  He was so into his playing that he missed a scene of Alice killing some drifters that ambushed her.

[...]

[Pimp and Carlos are back.  Jill is nowhere to be found.  None of them are traveling with Alice…]

Lovelock: Awwww… but whose gun handling will we be able to make fun of?

Starkwell: Don’t worry.  Ali Larter will probably fill in nicely.

Lovelock: I’m just happy that George Harrison Guy is back.

Starkwell: No.  No more, dude.  That actor is ISRAELI… you’re an idiot.

[...]

[Then there was a secret meeting with Umbrella corporation people where the head of the table was a dude in shades.  And he is a hologram.]

Starkwell: Why would a holographic image need sunglasses?  In an underground facility no less...

Lovelock: Maybe it’s sunny where he’s sitting?

Starkwell: Maybe he’s sitting in the Matrix.

[...]

Then there was a scene that pretty much rips off Romero’s “Day of the Dead”.  Maybe he was aiming for HOMAGE.  Anyways, overall, the film is pretty entertaining.  Starkwell and Lovelock watched pretty closely.  It still has its cheesy moments, but is definitely not TRYING as hard as "Apocalypse" did to be overtly cheesy and campy.  I’m paraphrasing from Starkwell. 

[...]

[Naked Alice clone sits in a tub of water, actual Alice has nightmares.]

Lovelock: Did you see the way the director SEAMLESSLY showed us that she has telekinetic powers AND showed us a naked, confused and soaking wet Alice?

Starkwell: They’re getting better and better at working Naked Milla into different parts of the movie.

[...]

Then there was a zombie bird scene, and due to his irrational fear of birds, for the first time in my life, I saw Lovelock closing his eyes during a movie.  Starkwell missed a lot of what was going on, since he was busy ridiculing Lovelock.  A few people got pecked to death, but eventually Alice saved the day with her powers of explosion.

[...]

Starkwell: Nice of her to show up and re-join the convoy AFTER that random girl got pecked to death.

Lovelock: Wait... That blonde girl’s name is K-Mart?  Worst post-apocalyptic name ever.   She may as well be named TARGET or GONER… You know who lasts long?  People named SOLITAIRE or DESTRO or TRIXIE or DYNAMITE or NITRO.

Starkwell: I name you VILLAGE IDIOT.

[...]

[Claire and her convoy of survivors are HEADING TO VEGAS.  To find gas.]

Lovelock: Vegas will be crawling with zombies.  Shit, even before the apocalypse, half of the performers there were essentially the living dead.

Starkwell: I'm just glad no one said the over-used and totally played-out "Vegas, baby, Vegas."

[...]

So basically, while in Vegas, the convoy comes across a crate full of fast moving mutant zombies that the Umbrella Scientists left for them.  They bear some resemblance to the crazy zombies in Lenzi’s “Nightmare City”.  Could it be Anderson is paying HOMAGE?  I'm starting to think that maybe Anderson watches the same movies that we do.  

[...]

Lovelock: I kind of wish that the fats mutant zombies all had machetes.

[...]

Most of the convoy dies, including COWBOY, PIMP.  K-Mart lives… proving Lovelock wrong.  At least for now.  Anyways, Alice goes all NINJA and takes out the Umbrella scientists, and there were fistpumps performed all over the Zombie Hall TV room.  Anyways, they need to GET TO THE CHOPPER again, so, in order to infiltrate the secret Umbrella lab and get the chopper, Carlos goes KAMIKAZE and explodes himself in a big truck.  Lovelock cried while humming a George Harrison tune.  Starkwell smacked him in the back of the head.

[...]

[The convoy gang gets on the chopper, heads to Alaska.  Alice stays behind to head into the secret lab and finish up with Scientist dude.  Who is now a mutant super being thing.]

Lovelock:  Oh man, Milla Jovovich holding a DYING NAKED CONFUSED AND SOAKING WET Milla Jovovich!!!!!!!

Starkwell: Every movie they find a way to up the Naked Milla ante.

Lovelock: I can’t wait to see what they do next time around.

[...]

So, Alice takes care of Mutant Dude, and now, she wants to go after Captain Sunglasses in Tokyo.  She is of course going to bring with her, an army of one million Alice clones.  ROLL CREDITS.

[...]

Lovelock: Hopefully the first hour of the next movie is just a bunch of Naked Confused Milla Clones waking up a bunch of equally Naked Confused Milla Clones.

Starkwell: I’d watch that.

Lovelock: Dare to dream.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Well, if history has taught us anything, this movie should start with a naked and confused Milla Jovovich.  I guess Paul Anderson likes showing his future wife off.  I should mention though, that while Anderson did write this one, a new director was brought on.  Maybe this will help... I guess we won't know until we get our 'Apocalypse' on.

[...]

[Intro is a recap of the entire first movie.]

Lovelock: Dude, we SOoooo could have skipped the first movie.

Starkwell: Maybe I should just skip this one.  Also... sorry dude, but it looks like we won’t get Naked Confused Milla to start this sucker off… Well, that is, unless you count the small shot of her in the recap.

Lovelock: No.  Failure.

[...]

[Jill Valentine is a SEXY COP, who’s OUT TO KICK some ASS.]

Lovelock: Seriously, Jill Valentine is a SEXY COP, who’s OUT TO KICK some ASS.

Starkwell: Looks like we done gots a SEXY COP, and she’s OUT TO KICK some ASS.

[...]

[Alice wakes up in some lab… naked.]

Lovelock: Success!

[...]

There was some pretty solid zombie mayhem.  Racoon City was over run, Starkwell and Lovelock were PUMPED.  Then a dude who looks kind of like George Harrison (according to Lovelock)  jumps out of a chopper shooting zombies in the air, and they laughed HARD.  Lovelock played a kick ass air guitar solo.

[...]

Lovelock: Here comes the sun.  Bitch.

Starkwell: Dude you’re nuts, he doesn’t look like George Harrison.

Lovelock: Not Beatles era, more like Traveling Wiburys timeframe.

[...]

They mostly just watched quietly as the story unfolded.  We have one group of survivors including JILL SEXYCOP, her cop friend, a reporter and some dude ('some dude' dies almost immediately).  They’re hauled up in a church, and we get our first view, in this movie, of the super mutant things.  This one is much faster than they were in the first film.  Anyways, I couldn’t always make out what they were saying because they spent a lot of time making fun of the actress playing Jill, and the way she held her gun.

[...]

Lovelock: “Bang bang.  I’m Jill and I’m here to party.”

Starkwell: “I’ve got you in my sites big boy.  You have the right to remain SEXY.”

[And so on and so forth.]

[...] 

[Alice flies through the window on a motorcycle.]

Starkwell: Good thing we knew she had a motorcycle.

Lovelock: Good thing she knew exactly where they were.

Starkwell: Good thing she wore her helmet.

Lovelock: Safety first!  As you crash through a window!

Starkwell: Good thing she picked an ALMOST skimpier and non-functional outfit than Jill is wearing.

Lovelock: Must be a competition.

[...]

[Topless zombies.]

Lovelock: Do you think this movie is to blame for all of those zombie stripper movies?

Starkwell: Even if it isn’t, that shit don’t belong.  Useless boobies.  Uwe Boll style.

[...]

Anyways, the heroes venture forward and have managed to keep the interest of Starkwell and Lovelock.  There are quite a few characters in this one, and, unlike the first in the series, they’ve actually kept most of them around past the first half hour of the film.  We assume that the different groups of survivors will all meet up at one point.  Then there was a graveyard scene, where bodies started exploding out of their graves and both Alice and Jill got their SEXYKILL LEGKICK powers on.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, Starkwell and Lovelock were still making fun of it, HARDCORE, but were having an absolute blast and eating mountains of popcorn.

[...]

[Evil Suits from Unbrella activate NEMESIS.]

Starkwell: Of course there’s a group of weekend warrior rednecks.

Lovelock: Of course the black guy is a pimp.  And has custom made guns.  And holds them sideways when aiming.

[NEMESIS kills all the rednecks, leaves Pimp alone.]

Starkwell: Is it just me or is the NEMESIS view kind of exactly like "Robocop" view?

Lovelock: Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.

[...]

Alice splits up from the group to have a one on one battle with NEMESIS.  “A boss battle, if you will”, says Lovelock.  Then Starkwell kicked him in his nuts.  The rest of the group, on a quest to find some British guy’s daughter, meets up with Pimp, obviously, and then with the other group, the chopper-jumping SWAT team, led by the guy that Lovelock says looks like George Harrison. 

[...]

[Reporter is eaten by a classroom full of zombie children.]

Lovelock: I give them all an ‘A+’.

Starkwell: Breaking news!  You’re dead!  And the crowd goes wild.

[...]

[On Jill's gun play.]

Lovelock: Seriously, she holds her fucking gun like a five year old child holds a water pistol.

Starkwell: That’s insulting, dude.  To five year olds.

[...]

Anderson seems to have no issue with introducing characters and then immediately offing them.  Starkwell and Lovelock both feel that this is an asset.  What isn’t an asset, according to Starkwell is that “Jill’s acting is atrocious” and “most of the animated characters in the video game series are less robotic than her.”  Then they made fun of how a kitchen scene with zombie dogs was a bit of a rip-off of the "Jurassic Park" kitchen scene.

[...]

[They have just under an hour to get to a chopper that is leaving Racoon City.]

Starkwell: So… basically… get to the chopper?

Lovelock: You’re doing it wrong… GET TO THA’ CHOPPAH!

[...]

Lovelock: Is it just me, or is Alice giving George Harrison Guy her Bedroom Eyes?  I mean “don’t worry… I’m not contagious…” What is that all about?

Starkwell: Seriously, dude.  Stop calling him George Harrison Guy.  It makes NO SENSE.

[...]

Then Alice has to fight NEMESIS again.  In front of a crowd.

[...]

[NEMESIS is actually BORING DUDE from the first movie.]

Starkwell: Might be the most obvious twist of all time.

[NEMESIS turns into a good guy!]

Starkwell: Might be the second most obvious twist of all time.

[...]

[Racoon City gets all ‘sploded.  Chopper crashes.]

Lovelock: Alice is dead?

Starkwell: Well, she’s on the cover of the next film, so I assume not.

[The Media disguises the incident as a reactor meltdown in the city.  That Unbrella tried to save Racoon City.]

Lovelock: It’s a bit far fetched that people would believe that.

Starkwell: Have you watched "FOX News" lately?

Lovelock: Good point.

[...]

[Alice is alive.  In a lab, in a tank of water (like Luke Skywalker), CONFUSED AND NAKED.]

Starkwell: And everything is right in the world.

Lovelock: How many times can one person wake up confused and naked?

Starkwell: Jovovich is DEFINITELY going for the record.

[During this naked confused part, she flashes back to OTHER naked confused parts of previous films.]

Lovelock: Exponential nakey-confused?  My brain just exploded.

[...]

Anyways, they set up the next film, and I guess Alice will have super powers, also, be a robot, also be a bad guy?  Maybe?  All in all, Starkwell and Lovelock had a lot of fun with this one, and are actually excited for the next one.  Anderson embraced the cheese here, and it certainly worked in his favor.

Resident Evil.

Love it or hate it, Paul Anderson’s “Resident Evil” series likely had a fair amount to do with the resurgence of zombie movies in blockbuster format at the beginning of the 21st century, and its subsequent boom of shitty b-grade trashy zombie camp.  Although none of the "Resident Evil" have really been critical successes, none have truly been flops at the box office, and the series has managed to stay afloat for not one, but five films over ten years.  Starkwell, Lovelock, meet Alice.

[...]

[One giant Pharmaceutical Company rules the world, pretty much.]

Starkwell: I thought this was a fictional movie.

Lovelock: Heyo!

[...]

[Scientists and employees of the Umbrella Corporation are trapped in research lab, someone released the ZOMBIE gas, or the T-Virus.]

Starkwell: Am I crazy or does the Umbrella corporation only seem to hire really good looking men and women between the ages of twenty-five and thirty?

[Milla Jovovich, wakes up naked, obviously.]

Lovelock: Would you rather this all look like a real corporation?  Have you seen what people in cubicles look like? They don't look like Milla Jovovich naked, I can tell you that much.

Starkwell: Yeah... well-

Lovelock: Shut up.  You’re ruining the side boob action.

[...]

Then the action packed music kicked in, as well as the pack of action.  Alice and some dude are taken by the Umbrella squad, and they all venture down a tunnel on a train, I assume to get to the super secret lab.  Alice doesn’t remember anything, but has flashes of a wedding to some dude who was hiding in the train’s closet.  It all seems fairly straight forward, and, thankfully according to Lovelock “not a whole hell of a lot like the original video game.”  To be fair, he doesn’t remember much, except that someone therein was a ‘Master of Unlocking’.  Anyways, they were quiet for a while.  It was all fairly by-the-numbers sci-fi horror, but as Starkwell points out “maybe it only seems 'by-the-numbers' because a lot of other movies borrowed from the same gene pool.”

[...]

[We see first zombie.]

Lovelock: I like where this is going.

[We see first glimpse of mutant zombie hybrid thingy things.]

Lovelock: Go onnnnn….

[...]

[Lasers head towards some of the hero squad in a hallway, they have to try and manoeuvre around them.  Each wave of lasers is harder than the preceding wave of lasers.]

Lovelock: That’s a little TOO video game-ish… Why would anyone design something like that?  Why wouldn’t they just send the “IMPOSSIBLE TO DODGE” laser combination right off the bat?

Starkwell: Seriously.  And from a FILM MAKING point of view, since they all died anyways, why not just have the first wave kill them all?

Lovelock: Well clearly Paul Anderson wanted to show people doing flips and shit.

[...]

What Starkwell and Lovelock DO enjoy is the fast pace, and the fact that the movie doesn’t take long to get going.  They, on the other hand, hate every single thing that Michelle Rodriguez says.  For example, lame things such as something “BITCH AIN’T STANDING NOW.”  Groan times a million.

[...]

[Crazy zombie madness.]

Lovelock: The zombies don’t look half bad, also, yay for people getting eaten.

[Alice apparently knows how to fight.]

Lovelock: Definitely where “The Bourne Identity” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Riiiiight… especially jump kicking the zombie dog?  Right?

Lovelock: Matt Damon couldn’t pull off that red dress thing that she's wearing, though.

Starkwell: Well, ANYWAYS, it’s nice to see a movie get zombie dogs right.

[...]

[The team try and fight and shut down the computer, the 'Red Queen', voiced by a young British girl.]

Lovelock:  Were they trying to make the Red Queen this annoying?

[...]

Non-stop zombie mayhem.

[...]

[Alice breaks a zombie’s neck.]

Starkwell: I don’t know that I would use my thighs to break the neck of a rabidly contagious zombie…

Lovelock: SHHhhh… she’s doing sexy kills.

[...]

More zombie mayhem, complete with GUY SACRIFICE staying back to hold the fort after being bitten and stranded, TOUGH CHICK LATINAPANTS who’s been half eaten but still not turning and fighting off the infection, ALICE VON SEXYKILL getting enough memory back to remember that there is a cure, and of course, finally EVIL McPLOT-TWIST shows his true colors.   Starkwell and Lovelock came up with the names.  There’s another character that they just call DUDE BORING.  He’s a scientist I think.

[...]

[Mutant thing kills McPLOT-TWIST, starts hunting the group but then…]

Lovelock: GUY SACRIFICE!  He’s ALIVE!!!!!

[For about another two minutes.]

[...]

Well, at least DUDE BORING survives.

[...]

[Alice wakes up in a facility.  Whole city is fucked.  They set it up for the sequel.]

Starkwell: Of course she’s naked.

Lovelock: Every movie should end with Naked and Confused Milla Jovovich.

Starkwell: Even kids’ movies?

Lovelock: ESPECIALLY kids’ movies.

[...]

A fair start to a series of films that would/could go on seemingly forever.

Isolation.

"Isolation" is an Irish film from 2005 that deals with the idea of genetic experiments on cows going TERRIBLY wrong.  This is not a new idea in the sub genre.  In fact, the environmental angle goes pretty far back.  Let’s see if writer / director Billy O’Brien is able to bring something special to the mix.

[...]

[Blondie shoves her arm up a pregnant cow’s vagina, something bites it.]

Lovelock: Well now, that’s a fucked up way to begin a movie.

[...]

The atmosphere in the movie is already quite grim, as we are introduced to a handful of characters, including a couple of drifters and some kind of evil scientist.  An Irish farm is certainly a spectacular location for filming.  The acting, thus far seems quite good, but as Lovelock has theorized in the past… sometimes accents make the acting seem better than it is.  Starkwell thinks that, in this case, it really is spot on and not just assisted by the lovely accents.

[...]

[Farmer Dan needs help delivering the calf, Drifter Jamie helps.]

Lovelock: This is the grossest thing ever.

Starkwell: Let the record show that you have watched “Erotic Nights of the Living Dead” in its entirety.  Complete with warty taint.

Lovelock: And regardless, I stand by what I said.

[...]

The aforementioned disgusting scene, of calf being forcefully extracted from the cow’s unwilling vagina was long and intense.  It also featured Farmer Dan swinging a baby calf around like a lasso.  And then, as expected, he was bitten.  Lovelock and Starkwell were on the edge of their seats.  There were some good scares.  I saw Lovelock jump a few times, although he CLAIMS he had the hiccups.

[...]

Starkwell: Farmer Dan is the fucking man.

[...]

Veterinarian Orla tried to use some sort of cow killing tool to off the calf, now that they have concluded that the experiment has gone wrong.  She “misses” and mother and calf freak the fuck out.  It is a heartbreaking and disturbing scene, and Lovelock has gone from scared to crying.  He now claims that the hiccups have made his eyes water.  Eventually she finishes the job and conducts a baby cow autopsy.  The effects are remarkable and FUCKING GROSS.  Sometime between smoke spitting out of the calf’s gut and Orla finding still living mutant foetuses inside the baby cow, Starkwell had to run to the bathroom to vomit.  Twice.

[...]

[One of the weird centipede alien looking cow foetuses moves.]

Lovelock: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Orla mentions to keep the other animals away from the weird shit, for risk of infection.]

Starkwell: Soooo… Orla and Dan could be infected.

Lovelock: I think I love this movie.  Minus how many times you’ve puked.  And all of the cow vagina.

[...]

Apparently the drifters are running from her family.  It’s a forbidden romance angle.  Awesome.  Once Dan finds this out, he lets them fully hide out on his land, so they won’t be found.  Lovelock then repeated Starkwell’s statement about Farmer Dan being the fucking man.

[...]

[Infected Dan pukes, Infected Jamie is bad at sex with Mary.]

Lovelock: I know I SAID I love this movie, but I want it to go somewhere… something needs to happen… NOW!

[Weird Centipede Alien Cow Foetus Thing crawls into bed with Mary and Jamie and tries to… I think… PENETRATE and/or EAT Mary.]

Lovelock: TOO MUCH! TOO MUCH!

[Evil Scientist says no one can leave and quarantines the farm.  They go searching for these Weird Centipede Alien Cow Foetus Things... in the dark... in the mud.]

Lovelock: Jussssssst right. 

[...]

After finding Dead Orla, Evil Scienist realizes that the Infected people, infected through a bite, would actually propagate more of these THINGS through the world, and basically wipe out the planet.  Then Evil Scientist uses the cow kill tool on Jamie and explodes his brain.  Lovelock let out a mild shriek.

[...]

[Evil Scientist gets the shit eaten out of him by the, now much bigger, mutated Thing.]

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: Fffff…

[...]

Clearly not REALLY a zombie movie in the traditional sense, since the infected people are more like incubators for these horrifying Things (think "Alien" but with mutant cows), the fact that it is spread by the bite was enough to satisfy Lovelock and Starkwell’s test.  Mary eventually found a cow that was oozing these Things out of its vagina every minute or so.  And, since they showed it, with a nice close-up, it was definitely enough to send Starkwell back to the porcelain for another round.  Why did he eat that yogurt after puking the first time, knowing there was still an hour left in the movie?

[...]

Lovelock: This movie is fucked.

[...]

I won’t spoil the end.  Just take Lovelock’s final statement as a beautiful stamp of approval.  I couldn’t get Starkwell’s final reaction, since he was off hugging the bowl.  The film is not without its problems and unresolved issues (why did it really matter that their love was forbidden, what happened to the experiments... etc.), but it is a good effort and a shockingly gross piece of work.  AND THERE’S A TWIST!

Devil's Playground.

A newer zombie film from the UK, "Devil’s Playground" apparently offers SUPER ATHLETIC FAST ZOMBIES.  Which probably will just end up meaning a hybrid between two film fads from this movie's production year, zombies and parkour.  In any case, let’s see if it can keep the interest of our resident zombie aficionados Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

[Montage explaining how the outbreak started.]

Starkwell: Who the fuck would volunteer for that?

Lovelock: And I thought the FDA was too loose.

Starkwell: Let’s never go to the UK.

[...]

We are then introduced to a series of characters and some recognizable faces.  Most of the characters seem to be criminals.  Starkwell said something like “I smell an Anti-Hero.”

[...]

[Scientists lose control of one of the trial patients.]

Starkwell: They don’t even know if it’s contagious?  Worst scientists ever.

Lovelock: Shhhh… let the crazy rabid zombie eat in peace. 

[Main character shoots zombie in the head a lot.  Bitten scientists immediately sprout up and ATTACK.]

Starkwell: Well, that answers the contagious question.

Lovelock: And the scientists got what they deserve.  Win win.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure it’s just lose.

Lovelock: For who?

Starkwell: Us.

[...]

This is a pretty violent mess.  And the outbreak EXPLODES ALL OVER LONDON.

[...]

[Cole, clearly infected, shoots a dude who tries to kill him.  In the head.]

Lovelock: I like Cole.

[...]

Then zombies chased Cole through a parking lot and there was some of the lamest and most forced parkour ever.  They laughed.  Hard.  There wasn’t much talking after that.  They were watching the movie pretty quietly, seemingly interested at what would happen next.

[...]

[Zombies are scared of the water.]

Lovelock: Geez, are they zombies or SYNGENORs?

Starkwell: Pretty obscure reference.  Try again.

Lovelock: Are they zombies or the stupid aliens from "Signs"?

Starkwell: Better.

[...]

Starkwell: I have a big problem with the fact that some people turn zombie instantaneously, and others take a long time.

Lovelock: I have a big problem with the fact the American dude is a total douchebag.

Starkwell: Well, at least they’re playing up the idea that our worst enemy is ourselves.

Lovelock: I guess… more like our worst enemy is the dude from the USA.

Starkwell: And his piece of shit British lady friend.

[...]

[Joe doesn’t want Angela to go with Cole, fearing that they will do experiments on her.]

Starkwell: Joe seems like a good guy and all, but doesn’t he realize that she is the key to making this horrifying outbreak stop?

Lovelock: He’s either stupid, or selfish.  Either way, it ain’t great for ol’ Joe.

[...]

There’s a fairly intense ending, complete with standoff between our two heroes and a horde of zombies.  Lovelock cried, Starkwell laughed at him.  Good times were had by all.  Fairly cookie cutter stuff, but executed well enough to deserve a place in the mediocre pile of “not that shitty” zombie movies.

[...]

Lovelock: It is pretty sweet that Cole’s weapon of choice is the hammer.

Black Sheep.

After carefully informing them that they were not about to watch the David Spade / Chris Farley romp, Lovelock and Starkwell were intrigued by the premise of New Zealand’s “Black Sheep”.  While Starkwell isn’t sure that writer/director Jonathan King will succeed in making sheep scary, Lovelock is already totally prepared to set his wool sweaters on fire.  Begin.

[...]

[Film is presented by the New Zealand Film Commission.]

Lovelock: Wow, their government funds movies about zombie sheep?  What a paradise.  Let’s go visit.

Starkwell: Probably not the main reason that most people would.

Lovelock: The Zombie Hall duo is going to New Zealand.

Starkwell: Pass.

[...]

[Hippy Dude steals weird genetic mutant sheep thing from lab, it gets loose and bites him.]

Lovelock: It’s always the damn hippies.

Starkwell: Well, technically it’s the weird genetic experimentation that’s the issue.

Lovelock: Whatever dude.

[...]

They were both a little grossed out by ZOMBIE SHEEP FOETUS.  And then Hippy Dude bit into a little bunny and they both booed.  Poor little bunny.  I think Lovelock repeated “always the damn hippies” a few times.  Then they find out the hippy girl’s name is EXPERIENCE.  So, yeah.  It’s always the damn hippies.

[...]

[First sheep attack.]

Starkwell: So he has an irrational fear that one day sheep are going to rise up and start killing… and it happens?  Sucks to be him.

Lovelock: I got the same thing with birds.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Fuck Hitchcock.

[...]

The movie was good.  The two stayed mostly quiet, watching the story unravel.  They liked the characters, and felt the story was interesting enough.  They did make at least one too many comments about how the main characters were walking around MIDDLE EARTH.  It was the kind of thing that started off funny, but they overkilled it hard, and then never brought it up again.  I think Lovelock secretly hopes it will be funny again later, and make a comeback.

[...]

[Experience and Henry fall into a pit of discarded sheep guts.]

Lovelock: She thinks a scented candle is going to help?  Fucking hippies.

Starkwell: Whatever, at least when Henry asked if she was ok, she answered “I’ll never be ok again”… Might be the best line of dialogue ever.

Lovelock: Oh wait, she’s using it like a torch… I may have under estimated her.

[...]

In the span of two minutes they managed to get in a sheep fucking joke AND having Hippy Girl Experience fart in Henry’s face.  Much to Lovelock’s and my surprise, Starkwell didn’t walk out.  He just said “I’ll allow it.”

[...]

[Enter the first SHEEP MONSTER MAN HYBRID.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: … [nervous fart] …

Starkwell: I thought that “Poultrygeist” turned me off of people turning into weird zombie animal things, but this is turning me back around.

Lovelock: I’m fully turned.  Now please, do shut up.

[...]

[Scientists watch man turn into sheep.]

Lovelock: This is totally a remake of Pinnochio.

Starkwell: Wait what?  Wasn’t that a goat? And how is this remaking that?

Lovelock: The old lady with the gun is Gepetto, and Hippy Guy is the Pink Elephants.

Starkwell: I think you’re blending some things together there.

Lovelock: I think the Hippy Girl is Bambi.

[Starkwell starts crying, frustrated and horrified.]

[...]

Then there was a sheep stampede and lots of shots of people being eaten by sheep.  Lovelock stood up and did a most majestic cartwheel followed by several fist pumps.  Starkwell tried not to get hit in the face.  Unsuccessfully.

[...]

[Experience shoots man-sheep in head.]

Starkwell: There’s the money shot.

Lovelock: Fitting that you say that, because I may have just money shot in my pants.

[...]

The final showdown between Henry and his brother as a SHEEP MONSTER is obviously fitting because of how the film started.  But then there was a scene where they showed a sheep biting and pulling on the brother’s penis and it was, well, horrifying.  They followed it with a sheep FARTING into a lit lighter and causing an explosion.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that the film officially jumped the shark with about two minutes left.  It’s a pity, because it was going so well.