Day of the Dead: The Need to Feed.

Hot off the heels of the popular “Dawn of the Dead” remake, someone set out to remake “Day of the Dead”.  Steve Miner, the film’s director, is no rookie to the horror genre, with some impressive titles on his resume, most notably, a Lovelock and Starkwell favourite, 1986’s “House”.  They certainly aren’t shy to name drop Romero all over the box, even though he had nothing to do with the film other than make a good movie twenty-five years ago.  The fact that this 2008 version went straight to video is already not a very good sign.  Did I mention that it stars Nick Cannon?  Let’s see what happens.

[...]

[Teenager coughs up snot, resumes making out with girl.]

Lovelock: I think her standards are a little low.

Starkwell: Much like the casting director’s…

[...]

[Mena Suvari character introduction.]

Starkwell: So that’s why she started turning down those "American Pie" movies, to pursue a more serious acting career…

Lovelock: Harsh.

[...]

They developed the characters a little more, but who really cares?  All Lovelock and Starkwell were able to do was make fun of Nick Cannon’s crusty little moustache, his ‘crustache’ if you will.  At one point Lovelock begged the question “Seriously, how old is he supposed to be?  He looks twelve”, to which Starkwell responded “Mena Suvari’s haircut makes her look like a ‘tween.”  Afterwards Lovelock made fun of Starkwell for discussing haircuts and using the word ‘tween.  And they missed a whole chunk of movie.  They didn’t miss much, and they are yet to see anyone that they really want to root for.  But then, as if by magic, people started turning into zombies and instantaneously decaying and running and eating people, so Lovelock and Starkwell decided to pay more attention.

[...]

[Fast zombies leap tall buildings in a single bound and throw grown men around like footballs.]

Lovelock: So when they say remake, they mean it more like… ?

Starkwell: Not a remake.

[...]

Starkwell got up and started wondering how anyone could actually get away with just a bite wound when the zombies seem to “tear through people like the Tasmanian Devil on speed”.  Also, why did the virus suddenly kick in at the same time for every infected person in town?  Why does it work faster on some than on others?  Why do some peoples’ faces immediately decompose when others do not?  Lovelock shushed him, but then was like, “Seriously though, what the fuck?”  So many questions.

[...]

[People running in front of radio station.]

Starkwell: They used the same shot three times now of those three people running.

Lovelock: I thought you said that a good movie should have consistency?

Starkwell: I don’t think you’re following me here…

[...]

[Suvari is being attacked.]

Starkwell: So the zombies have super powers unless they are going after the main character?

Lovelock: Well duh, otherwise she’d die right away.

[...]

[Main character runs over her Mom without blinking.]

Starkwell: Wait, so she doesn’t want to kill the other soldier yet, in case there's a cure or something... but she felt it was ok to explode her mom into a bajillion pieces with her Hummer?  Right in front of her little brother?

Lovelock: UNIT. CORE. GOD. COUNTRY.  Somewhere after all of that, MOM.

[...]

[They find out the truth about Project Wildfire.]

Lovelock: Why is it whenever a character in a movie wants to kill some sleazeball, someone else says “no it’s not worth it.”

Starkwell: I wish someone had said that to us that before we put the DVD in.

[...]

[The outbreak has been thwarted… or has it?]

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: ...

Starkwell: So... what?

[...]

Military types, horny teenagers, the sleazy guy, the edgy radio host, one-liners, slow-motion deaths, whizzy bullets and ‘splosions.  This was basically a cookie cutter zombie/action/shit film, which just makes the use of the title even more offensive, since Romero’s 1985 epic was anything but.  Miner did a decent job directing, but when you’re handed a terrible screenplay, there’s only so much you can do.  Well, he could have just said NO.  He should have said no.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that they would hate the movie slightly less if it didn’t call itself “Day of the Dead”, but they would still, nonetheless, hate it.

House.

Most people think of Hugh Laurie when they hear “House”, but some of us think “Ding Dong, You’re Dead”.  The DVD we are watching is from Anchor Bay, although I read a new version is coming out soon.  Fred Dekker wrote this, and given that he is the mind behind the fantastic "Night of the Creeps", hopes are flying high.  Like Creeps, this also came out in '86.  good year for Dekker, good year for film fans.  Ding dong...

[...]

[Flashback to the past at the haunted mansion of the main character's recently deceased aunt. It might help if I mention that the main character, named Roger, is played by William Katt.]

Lovelock: Mrs Hooper has an odd choice in art.

Starkwell: It’s called foreshadowing.

Lovelock: Yeah well, believe it or not he’s walking on air.

[...]

[Roger sees his child drowning in the pool and leaps in to save him.]

Lovelock:  Did you see him dive in for that kid?  He might just be, the Greatest American Hero.

Starkwell: You have to promise me that’s the last time, because so far the movie is great, and if you keep that up, you will ruin it.


[I should mention that William Katt played the main character in the television series entitled "The Greatest American Hero".]

[...]

[Sketchy real estate agent gives Roger the tour of his newly inherited mansion, during which they see a lot of weird tools, art pieces, and well, a harpoon that the agent fires 'accidentally' in the direction of our hero.  I don't know the actor's name that played the agent, but I recognize him as one of those 80's character actors who always plays sleazebags.]

Lovelock: I don’t trust this real estate guy.

Starkwell: Was it the harpoon misfire? Genius?

Lovelock: No, it’s because that actor always plays dickheads. 

Starkwell: Yeah, keep the House, that’s a great idea.

Lovelock: It’s an investment.  Rent is for suckers.

[...]

[Roger wears an awful sweater, and we are introduced to George Wendt's character, the neighbor.]

Lovelock: Well we found the movie’s first big flaw: The Low-Cut V-Neck.

Starkwell: Norm just rescued the scene though with AMAZING COMEDY.

[...]

I was eating blueberry scones for a while, so I missed a lot of what Allen and Lionel were saying, but at some point during a flashback scene they mentioned something about Vietnam looking pretty gosh darn wacky.  Also, that the jungle didn’t look like the jungle.  Many more comments were made about Roger’s sweaters.

Then they kept repeating the line “Do you think I’m… Looney Tunes?”

[...]

[Roger's wife is a famous actress in the movie, and somehow the neighbor is able to call her from his home phone.  I don't know, I guess she was in the phone book.]

Starkwell: She’s awfully easy to reach for a famous actress.

Lovelock: Uh, yeah, it’s called realism.

Starkwell: In that case, find me William Katt's number, I want to see if he still has those sweaters.

[...]

[The haunted mansion springs to life, inanimate objects start moving.]

Lovelock: Flying tools is scary, but the flapping undead trophy fish is horrifying.

Starkwell: I don’t think you are seeing just how well written this movie is.

Lovelock: It’s hard, when I’m distracted by the timelessly cool special effects.

[...]

[Roger kills a demon and hides it from the cops, who search his place but then leave him alone when they realize he is a famous author.]

Starkwell: Worst policemen ever.

Lovelock: Best fist pump ever.

[Enter the amazing 80's montage of burying a demon body.]

Starkwell: Worst musical interlude ever.

Lovelock: Still, it’s a good how-to for disposing of a random demon body.

[...]

[Roger gets swallowed by the closet, the neighbor watches, but does nothing but open a bottle of booze.]

Starkwell: Wait, so he disappears into Vietnam closet and Norm decides it's Miller time?

Lovelock: It’s been hard for him ever since he stopped going to Cheers.

[...]

At this point the movie gets loads more intense, as Roger battles his own personal demons, being wonderfully represented by actual demons.  Roger has to deal with the skeletons in his closet.  Anyways, I’m sure you get it.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock are silently hypnotized.

[...]

[We approach the happy end to the movie.]

Lovelock: “Ding Dong, You’re Dead” doesn’t really make any sense once you’ve seen the movie.

Starkwell: I don’t think that’s important.

Lovelock: Well, it is to me.

[...]

Since Allen and Lionel both stood up in applause as the film ended, I assume that they enjoyed the movie.  Not sure who they are applauding, maybe whoever put the movie on.  Believe it or not, it’s just me.

They sat back down pretty quickly when the atrocious song came on during the credits.

[...]

Lovelock: Night Court! That’s where I’ve seen him.