Showing posts with label The Asylum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Asylum. Show all posts

27.2.15

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Zombies All Over the Small Screen.

He’s already once expressed his love for the wildly popular “The Walking Dead”, while simultaneously hating on how popular zombies have become.  It was only a matter of time before he started checking out some of the other shows that have popped up in the wake of the AMC show's success.

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Well hello again, good sir.

I’ve been kind of going crazy with the binge watching of late, and I stumbled upon a couple of real gems. And some turds, obviously.

I started up with the somewhat slowly paced “The Returned”, a French show based on the film “They Came Back”, or “Les Revenants”.

The show starts slow, and keeps that pace mostly throughout the eight episodes that I watched.  Much like the film, it has a very serious tone, is totally weird and confusing, and at the same time, kind of scares the BAJEBUS out of me.

Unlike the film, the show starts off focused on a bus load of children that flew off a cliff suddenly coming back a year later as if nothing happened.

AND THE PARENTS FLIP THE FUCK OUT.

It’s eerie, it’s cool, and Mogwai did the soundtrack.  And Mogwai kicks fucking ass and helps create mega tension.

Like in the film, the undead essentially try to resume their lives, unaware, seemingly, that they died.  But there’s all sorts of mysterious shit going on and we are trying to figure out what the deal is.  Super cool.  I can’t wait to see the second season.  Good, and complicated, characters.  Great dialogue and acting.  More television needs to be like this.

Which brings me to the somewhat unnecessary American version of “Les Revenants” called “Resurrection”.  I can’t say it’s bad, actually.  At least it’s SORT OF doing its own thing.  It’s not like when “Quarantine” came out as a nearly identical, but just in English, version of “REC”.  I haven’t seen enough of it to really pass any judgment.  It got picked up for a second season, which doesn’t NECESSARILY mean anything, but it does mean they got to develop the story further.  Which is always a good thing.  Not sure if the third season is coming or not.

Next up, in an attempt to liven things up, I went for the tragically short-lived MTV show “Death Valley”.

I can see why this show didn’t make it on a network aimed at people who watch shows about teen moms, people falling on their testicles, and other such dumb shit.  Most MTV shows that aren’t reality TV are on par, creatively speaking, with most Disney Channel shows.

Death Valley” was gory, ACTUALLY FUNNY, and in a way, fairly original.  Which makes it a strange offering for MTV.  Shot mockumentary style, and following a police department in charge of taking care of werewolves, zombies and vampires, I found myself digging the characters immediately.   Well-paced, well written, and a lot of fun… obviously, it was cancelled after one season.  Had the show been on a network like FX, or even something like Showtime, AMC or HBO, the series’ fate might have been radically different.

Which brings me to the VIOLENTLY unfunny, unoriginal and unnecessary ScyFy Channel original, “Z Nation”.  It’s a production from “The Asylum”, so honestly, I don’t even need to watch a single episode to know that it is a complete piece of shit - a lame mockbuster cash grab attempt to ride the zombie wave.  But, I felt I should watch at least one episode.  All of my suspicions were more than correct.  In short, the show should be called “ZZZZZzzzzzz Nation”.  Because it’s boring.  So boring.

And yet, I could totally see it going on for a couple of years.  Because somehow shit like this gets watched.  Somewhere out there are idiots thinking "man, can't wait for the new season of Z Nation".  And then they take a selfie and talk about how good "The Big Bang Theory" is.  Brutal.

Next up on my marathon of binge watching was a BBC show called “In the Flesh”.

HOLY SHIT.  The zombie apocalypse is over, and the government are rehabilitating the “used to be” zombies of the world.  The doctors call the formerly dead “partially deceased syndrome sufferer”.  It’s not that no one has tackled the idea of “what if the zombies stopped being zombies” or “what if there WAS a cure”, but in a way, kind of nobody has.  At least not with the serious tone of this show.  Within five minutes I can tell that I am not going to want to stop watching this one.

Way recommeneded.  I’m glad I watched this afterZ Nation” because, quite honestly, I thought nothing would ever clean my brain of that depressingly bad show.

After all of this, and ending on a zombie show high note, I decided to take it up another notch and settle nicely into binge watching a ‘not actually a zombie show, but it has zombies in it, technically’, known as “Game Of Thrones”, anxiously looking forward to any scene with the ‘White Walkers’, who are, basically, MEDIEVAL ZOMBIES FUCK YEAH.

And there are dragons.

Also, all of the wonderful female nudity is pretty nice.

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He can complain all he wants about the zombie’s surge in popularity, but from the sound of it, even he agrees that it has lead to some rather good television… definitely more interesting than all the vampire crap out there in the wake of “Twilight”.  Except "Z Nation" which sounds worse than it sounds.  Anyways, here’s hoping that it takes at least a couple more years before we get a zombie sitcom starring Zooey Deschanel or some shit.

WHO’S THAT ZOMBIEeeeeEeeeeeee…

Ugh.

14.6.13

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies.

I pretty much have to launch a mockbuster from “The Asylum” at Starkwell and Lovelock from time to time just to keep them in check, and make sure they don’t lose their perspective on what bad really is and can be.  The amazing thing is just HOW MANY zombie movies “The Asylum” has been churning out lately.  This one promises to stand right alongside the others, in my garbage can, as soon as Starkwell and Lovelock decide that they’ve had enough.  If you watch all of the previews on one of “The Asylum”s DVDs, you’ll be SHOCKED at just how many blockbusters they manage to mock, sometimes within one movie.  And is that the father from “Family Matters”?

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[Young Abe Lincoln kills his zombie mother.]

Lovelock: Was that a zombie or the girl from “The Exorcist”?

Starkwell: I’m sure they don’t even know.

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Only about two minutes in, we quickly realize that the costumes, writing, acting, special effects, directing and EVERYTHING is horrendously cheap and way beyond sub par.  Maybe even by “Asylum” standards.

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Lovelock: They could have at least made the doctor guy have SLIGHTLY less modern looking glasses.

Starkwell: Maybe try and not show the modern day gas meter on the side of that building either.

Lovelock: I never gave a damn 'bout the meter man, 'til i was the man who had to read the meters, man.

Starkwell: Maybe find actors that can grow an ACTUAL mustache and not need to paint one on.

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Seriously even the MUSIC is mocking ACTUAL songs.  The movie trickles along as the president and his band of merry men fight zombies and confederate soldiers and zombie confederate soldiers.  They meet two girls with big honkin’ boobies and lots of make-up in an old farm house, and they bunker down.  Apaarently hooker number one is an old prostitute friend of Abe's.

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Lovelock: Teddy Roosevelt kicks ass with that there shovel.

Starkwell: This movie really fucking sucks.

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After one lame plot twist, most of the characters die, and a bunch more lame looking zombie kills are shown and the film ends.  I think it really reached the tipping point into the purest of cinematic shit when Lincoln zip-lined away from an exploding building as it exploded, and then emerged from the smoky ruins unharmed.  Or at least, it was at that point that Starkwell vomited.

15.8.12

Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill.


The bulk of his career has been spent as a cinematographer, but in 2004, Byron Werner decided to try his hand at directing a zombie film.  If you group together all the people in the world that have only ever directed ONE movie, I bet at least fifty percent of them made zombie movies.  Why is that?  While I ponder that question, no doubt Starkwell and Lovelock will be asing themselves a million questions about a film that will probably turn out to be a hot mess.  Welcome to “Death Valley”.  Don’t tell the guys, but this is yet another Asylum production.  Seriously, how many zombie movies have they made?  Probably one for every two-headed shark movie that they've made.  How many of them are on Netflix?

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[Drug dealer Dude is being chased by Female cop.  Worst music ever recorded plays.]

Starkwell: Did the movie start or is this a music video for a band that I hope has already stopped making music forever?

Lovelock: What’s with all of the lame gimmicky camera stuff? The flashy cuts, speed up slow down, grainylook, FILTERS!  SEPIA TONE!

Starkwell: Well he is a cinematographer, maybe he’s trying to do everything in the book within the first five minutes.  You know like when a drummer releases a solo album and it’s all drum heavy and shit?

Lovelock:  I guess.  Holy shit, the bad music is STILL PLAYING.  It’s been like five minutes.

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Eventually the lame “rock” music stopped and was replaced by an enormously over the top and out of place orchestral score.

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[Dealer arrives in ghost town, goes to bar, sees a zombie bartender, IMMEDIATELY SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD.]

Starkwell: So… there was no “hey are you alright buddy”?

Lovelock: Nope... it was more like “GROSS! FUCKING SHOOT IT.”

[Dealer dies, Bloody Bill rips his throat out.]

Starkwell: So what was the point of any of that?  Why show the cop chasing him?

Lovelock: Oh god I hope that’s the end of the movie.

[Lame opening credits start.  EVEN WORSE MUSIC THAN BEFORE.]

Starkwell: HELLLPPPPPP!!!!!!  Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp…

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Then we are introduced to a debate team.  The coach looks younger than the students, and the students all look like they’d never be on a debate team.  Then they drive off for a debate competition and MORE MUSIC PLAYS!  But wait!  They get hijacked!  By the Dealer dude’s partner!  More music!  And obviously Criminal 2 takes them to ghost town / sunset valley / death valley.

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[Nerdy Guy says he’s heard of this place, that it has more than just ghosts.]

Starkwell: How would he know about this place?

Lovelock: Maybe he’s a magician.

[Original Dealer Dude jumps out at them, warns them, then turns all KERAZY then tries to eat Nerdy Guy.]

Starkwell: When Bloody Bill ripped out Dealer Dude's throat earlier in the movie, did he replace it with an amplifier and an effects pedal?  Because his voice is a little off…

Lovelock: Maybe he's a ventriloquist.

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Then there was a big zombie montage, and to my surprise, Lovelock hated it.  Hated it times a million.  Uh oh, looks like Starkwell just left.  Just in time to miss Nerdy Guy recount the legend of Bloody Bill, and for the director to show the WORST flashback scene ever.  The director was going for that “FAKE GRAINY DAMAGED OLD FILM LOOK”, but it was so overdone, that you couldn’t see anything that was happening.

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Lovelock: Dude, fucking fast forward.

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Over the course of the next forever, the only good thing that Lovelock had to say about the movie was “at least they stopped playing the shitty rock songs and doing the whole ‘it’s a movie AND a music video’ thing”.  That statement was only true for about five more minutes.  Because then they started shooting zombies and it was all like “baby baby are you ready rock yeah ooh yeah baby baby”… So  ANYWAYS... everyone dies and then Nerdy Girl cuts off Bloody Bill’s head with a sword.  And then she walks off into the desert.

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Lovelock: Maybe she’ll see the cop from the beginning.  Hopefully they were saving that for a sequel.  Not.

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The ending credits start rolling and Lovelock ran away top speed before he could hear even one note of what would certainly be the worst song ever.  There are about six or seven songs in this movie, and according to Lovelock “they might be the six or seven worst songs I’ve ever heard”.  Maybe it’s just because he hated the movie so much.

30.1.12

I Am Omega.

There are a handful of mockbuster production companies out there, but arguably the current king is ‘The Asylum’.  “Da Vinci Code” becomes “Da Vinci Treasure”, “Tranformers” turn “Transmorphers”, hell even “Battle: Los Angeles” becomes “Battle of Los Angeles”.  The whole point is to trick the casual movie renter into thinking that they are renting the ACTUAL blockbuster, when in fact, they are getting the mockbuster.   I know a few people that ended up with the wrong ‘Sherlock Holmes’.  Netflix doesn’t help much.  So here is “I Am Omega”, their take on “I Am Legend” with a dash of the Heston adaptation of Matheson’s book “Omega Man” thrown in for good measure.  Get ready for the shit show boys.

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[Dream sequence flashback of an ugly kid with a Mop Top witnessing his mom die a zombie death and then being grabbed… it is unclear if the child is his own, or if it is him as a child.  A later flashback shows that it was his son.]

Lovelock: Oh thank goodness it was just a dream… or waiiiiiit it was a flashback dream!

Starkwell: Is that the guy from “Iron Chef America”?

Lovelock: I’m starting to think he’s not really the Chairman’s Nephew.  Plus, he speaks English just fine!

Starkwell: If he had any actual cooking skills Iron Chef style, it would come in handy in a post-apocalyptic society.

Lovelock: If he’s trying too look like a bad ass, the fluffy robe and socks were a poor choice.

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[Training montage.]

Starkwell: Who would fight zombies with a bo-staff and/or nunchuks?

Lovelock: Donatello and Michaelangelo?

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: The Chairman’s Nephew?

Starkwell: Yeah… The secret ingredient is bullshit.

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After the laughter died down from the Chairman’s Nephew’s pristine roundhouse air kicks, Starkwell and Lovelock got bored.  Real bored.  And no amount of guys in rubber zombie suits would be able to change that.  Every now and then it fades to black like it’s going to cut to commercials.  Lovelock says “I could go for a commercial right about now”.

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Lovelock: “I Am Omega”? More like “I Am Often Out of Focus”.

Starkwell: Not bad.

Lovelock: More like “I Am Bored”?

Starkwell: Better.

Lovelock: “I Am Taking Forever to Go Anywhere”?

Starkwell: Yeah, I think that’s the one.

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The film oozed onwards, and it wasn’t so bad, I suppose.  But then he meets up with this girl, and it gets worse and worse and worse.  Then there are the token ‘redneck assholes’ and it gets worse and worse and worse.  It’s definitely not a total rip-off of any of the Matheson adaptations… nor is it original or any good at all.  If ever there is such a thing as a cookie cutter post-apocalyptic zombie story starring one guy, this is it, and it sucks.

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[Chairman’s Nephew whips out nunchuks.]

Lovelock: Michaelangelo is a party dude…

Starkwell: … ? …

Lovelock: PARTAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

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[Chairman’s Nephew uses large pipe like bo-staff.]

Starkwell: Well I’ll be damned, he used both.

Lovelock: Donatello does machines.

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The film wraps up, the city explodes, and Chairman’s Nephew gets the girl.  Hooray? Hardly.


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Lovelock: A LA CUISINE!