The Crow: Salvation.

The sequel to “The Crow” was essentially a mockbuster, of itself.  This looks to take the myth in a different direction, so at least if it’s horrible, it won’t be horrible and unoriginal.  Well, it will still be somewhat unoriginal since it’s the third movie based on the same comic book.  And chances are it will be extra horrible.

[...]

[Guy is sent to the chair for killing his girlfriend, who he did not kill.  The guy who did kill her, THE MAN WITH THE SCARS on the arm, is there watching.]

Lovelock: And that’s why I’m against the death penalty.

Starkwell: Mature.  Surprising.

Lovelock: Yeah, I believe in Thunderdome.

[...]

[He revives almost immediately, in the morgue.]

Starkwell: The crow is working fast in this case…

Lovelock: He’s still smoking!

[He pulls off his melted face and heals, but somehow has “The Crow” 'makeup' on.]

Starkwell: Well, that’s one way to do it… I guess.

Lovelock: I’ve been robbed of another rise from the grave scene.  Robbed I tells ya.

[...]

So we meet Kirsten Dunst who is apparently dead girlfriend’s sister.  And The Crow immediately goes on a manhunt for the people that framed him.  He starts with a random junkie, and then moves on to a crooked pedophile rapist cop.  The rest on the list are also crooked cops.  Apparently the crooked cops hang out counting their crooked money in the upstairs of a shady sex club.  A crooked sex club, obviously.

[...]

Lovelock: None of the actors in this film look tough at all.  Is it just me?  No one is menacing.

Starkwell: Nah, I feel the same way.  Hell, even The Crow looks like he wants to help me pick out linens at Sears.

Lovelock: This is what The Crow would be if he was played by Michael Cera, or Jesse Eisenberg.

[...]

I think Starkwell said something about how everyone looked like Mormon accountants.  Makes sense since this was filmed in Salt Lake, apparently.  Meanwhile, Kirsten Dunst finds out who The Crow really is, and starts to believe his story.

[...]

[The Captain is apparently involved.]

Lovelock: Remo Williams is a bad guy?

Starkwell: He’s Scar-Arm?

[The captain is played by Fred Ward.]

[...]

Kirsten Dunst finds out that her father knew about all of thsi shit, the whole crooked cop thing.  Maybe her dad is Scar-Arm.  The main problem that Starkwell and Lovelock have with the film is that, much like in the shitty sequel and UNLIKE the original classic, we don’t give a shit about the main characters, AT ALL.  Not The Crow, not Dunst, NO ONE.  The film makers made no effort to develop any characters ever forever, NEVER.   Anyways, The Crow figures it all out, goes to the sex club and kills everyone, leaving only Remo.  Eventually he finds Remo, her crazy girlfriend and their weird torture chamber.  Seriosuly?  He catches Remo and brings him to the electric chair.  Remo dies, The Crow wins, and the audience loses about an hour and a half.  The end.

The Crow.

Undead ass kicker out for revenge.  Who could ask for more?  It is time for Lovelock and Stakwell to witness Brandon Lee’s swan song, and see if they end up asking for more.  Considering that there were a bunch of sequels made, I guess someone asked for more.  One thing is certain, we all wanted more Brandon Lee.

[...]

[Girl explains The Crow legend.]

Lovelock: How can a young girl have a voice that scratchy?  She sounds like a fifty year old chain smoker.

Starkwell: Hopefully she doesn’t narrate too much of this.

Lovelock: Holy shit!  Ernie Hudson!

Starkwell: Aw man, she’s narrating again.

Lovelock: It’s ok, Brandon’s coming soon.  I can feel it.

[...]

ERIC DRAVEN RISES FROM THE GRAVE!!!  Lovelock took out a pair of nunchuks he had stashed under the couch cushion and started swinging them around.  It was all fun and games until he hit himself in the nuts.  But at least when Draven had his awful rape/murder flashbacks followed by his good-times-with-shelly flashbacks, Lovelock had an excuse for why he was crying.

[...]

Starkwell: The soundtrack does date the movie a little.

Lovelock: A little?

Starkwell: Ok, a lot.

Lovelock: Still, somehow it works.

[...]

[Crow sees thug, Draven sees what crow sees.]

Lovelock: I’d have trouble being The Crow, because I hate birds.

Starkwell: Never mind the whole HORRIBLE DEATH AND QUEST FOR REVENGE.

Lovelock: Well, yeah that sucks too, but birds really freak me out.

[...]

Both Starkwell and Lovelock seemed to be enjoying the movie.  Pretty dark stuff.  They were very excited for Draven to keep killing more dudes.  Hopefully he’d kill Darla, our new favourite person to hate.

[...]

Starkwell: “At least he didn’t do any of that, ‘walkin’ against the wind’ shit.”  Best line ever.

[...]

We get a little more back story into why they were targeted a year ago.  It all makes us hate the bad guys even more.  There’s a certain cheesiness to the movie, but somehow it works.  Like an old grindhouse pic or a bad kung fu movie.

[...]

[Draven plays guitar solo on the roof.  Trashes guitar.]

Lovelock: Not bad.  Would have been cooler if he was playing insane drone or doom metal or something.

Starkwell: He’s kind of the coolest super hero ever.

[...]

They put it to a vote and decided that the worst character is the Asian Half Sister.  She sucks.

[...]

[Crazy John Woo-esque all out gun frenzy.]

Lovelock: I’m. So. Happy.

[...]

[Draven is about to go back to the afterlife to be with his lady, but notices that Sarah was taken.]

Lovelock: Aw man… see, if it wasn’t for the stupid kid, he’d already be in Happy Land.

Starkwell: Whatever, he needs to kill these dudes.

[Crow is shot, Draven is vulnerable, but in comes ERNIE FUCKING HUDSON!!!!!]

Lovelock: Who you gonna call!?!?!?!?!

[...]

Then Lovelock made up and sang some song about Ernie Hudson.  I think he mentioned “No Escape” at one point.

[...]

[Crow pecks out Asian Half Sister’s eyes.]

Lovelock: And that’s why I have an irrational fear of birds.  That could totally happen.

Starkwell: Whatever you say man… I’m just glad she’s dead.

[...]

Then Draven basically goes all Spock Mind Meld on the bad guy and his brain explodes and he gets impaled on a cross.  It’s awesome and Lovelock and Starkwell cheered.  Draven and Shelly are reunited and everything is awesome fantastic.  It does end on another Young Girl Sarah narration, which annoys Starkwell, but not enough to ruin the experience.