The Crow: City of Angels.

It’s difficult to even ask Starkwell and Lovelock to watch a sequel to “The Crow”.  Will the sequel destroy the pleasant memories that they had of the first film?  Will it just make them miss Brandon Lee even more than they already do?  Given that the film is directed by a music video director, and that this was his one and only foray into 'actual' film… things don’t look so good.  BUT!  BUT!  The writer, David S. Goyer, would later go on to pen movies like “Dark City”, and the Christopher Nolan reboot series of Batman films.  So, there is still some hope that this will turn out alright in the end.  Goyer started his career writing Van Damme movies, and look where he ended up… maybe this was the turning point.  We’ll see.

[...]

[Girl wakes up in her super loft with Gabriel the Cat.]

Starkwell: So, that’s the girl from the first movie?

Lovelock: I guess she isn’t blonde anymore, also, she’s… a hooker?  That helps street kids?

Starkwell: If she wants to help street kids, it might help if she didn’t look stoned out of her mind.

Lovelock: Or like so much of a hooker.

[...]

Then it cuts to some gang of bad dudes, and a flashback of them drowning a dude and his son in a river.  All the usual stereotypes are there.  Creepy Asian woman, strung out dude with a goatee, red-haired guy with a camcorder, a naked Black Guy taking a hot shower and, of course, Iggy Pop… you know, the usuals.  I don’t mean someone that looks like Iggy Pop.  It’s actually Iggy Pop.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course she’s a tattoo artist.

Starkwell: Of course they call her “The Mistress of Pain”.

[...]

The girl playing Sarah, actress Mia Kirshner, seems to be approaching the Sara character with that, as Starkwell put it, “Zooey Deschanel style of acting”… which according to him basically means to constantly “look spaced out, scared, confused and bored at the same time all the time, also, to do it in a very hammy way.  Fuck you.”  This was before Zooey’s time though, so I guess she was paving the way for that kind of acting.

[...]

[Drowned Dude, named Ash, wakes up and emerges from the water like a Cirque du Soleil performer.]

Starkwell: How is he doing that exactly?

Lovelock: Is that the Crow or Criss Angel or Alegria?

Starkwell: Is there really a difference?

Lovelock: Compared to Brandon’s rise from the grave, that was wicked lame.

[...]

Then there’s a weird scene where Iggy Pop is dancing to an old Stooges song, and all around him topless women are licking each other.  There was some dialogue, but all that Lovelock and Starkwell took from the scene is that Iggy Pop sucks at acting, or at least that he didn’t care to try for the duration of this film.

[...]

[In a flashback, we find out that Ash’s kid wandered out in the street to witness a murder, and that was why they were both killed.]

Starkwell: What kind of kid runs out into the street when he hears gunfire?

Lovelock: A dead kid.

Starkwell: Dude, harsh.

Lovelock: And that’s why I don’t have kids.

Starkwell: Yeah… that’s why.

[...]

There’s a montage of Ash getting his gear on, and it’s as long as it is pointless.  There really isn’t very much character development, and by the time Ash finds the first gang member and explodes him, Starkwell already declared “seriously, who cares?” several times. It looks like Lovelock cares a little, because he does like exploding bad guys.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie feels like the movie that “The Asylum” would have made to coincide with the release of the original Crow movie, if “The Asylum” existed at the time.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock had a good laugh when they realized that the camera wielding red head was actually just Tom Jane in a bad wig and “Clockwork Orange” makeup.  But then the scene transitioned into a horribly awkward scene where he was jerking off at a nudey booth and the laughter stopped completely and forever .

[...]

[Iggy Pop finds Tom Jane dead in the nudey booth.  The Stooges play.  Again.]

Lovelock: Hey audience, look it’s Iggy Pop!  Let’s remind you every chance we get!

Starkwell: As if somehow landing Iggy Pop for the prestigious role of “Second in Command Bad Guy” adds credibility to your shitty movie.

Lovelock: It would be nice to have a theme song though, in real life... mine would be the song from "The Littlest Hobo".

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: That's Hobo-Style!!

[...]

[Sarah paints in her enormous loft.]

Starkwell: Nobody owns that many candles, let alone has them all lit all the time.

[...]

[The score from the original film plays as Ash pulls his dead son out of the water and buries him.]

Starkwell: If they were trying to remind us of how much better the first film was… MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

[...]

Then Ash fights the Creepy Asian Woman and it’s one of the slowest and lamest looking fights ever.  Starkwell got up and left half way through saying “well, I’ve seen enough”.  Lovelock said he was sticking around to “see if they explode Iggy Pop while ‘The Stooges’ play in the background.”  Eventually there was an explosion involving Iggy Pop and his motorcycle, but no “Stooges”.

[...]

[Boss Man Judas kills crow, drinks its blood and apparently gains super powers?]

Lovelock: Well… that’s new… Also, lame.

[...]

[Ash impales Judas on a pipe, and then shoots a million crows out of his body right at Judas and disintegrates him and then the black energy (?) of Judas is carried away by said million crows.]

Lovelock: … Umm…

[...]

Anyways, Sarah dies, but at least Gabriel the cat lives.  In conclusion, from the writing, to the directing, to the visuals and set design, to the acting, and even to THE SOUNDTRACK… all of this feels like a very terrible remake of the first film.  An unnecessary remake made immediately after the first film was released.  This is just a shitty bullshit inferior imitation, with none of the heart, balls or talent of the original.  I guess it took Goyer a few tries before he was able to write something like “The Dark Knight”.  Yuck.

Let's Scare Jessica to Death.

Apparently more of a psychological thriller than the more traditional zombie camp that Starkwell and Lovelock are used to, I’m pretty excited to throw them a different type of bone.  This early seventies picture was directed by John Hancock, who is better known for directing a baseball picture that helped launch DeNiro’s career.  Anyways, I literally have no idea what to expect here.

[...]

[Jessica plays in a graveyard, sees a blonde girl in a nightgown.]

Starkwell: I kind of like that we can hear Jessica’s crazy thoughts.

Lovelock: Dude she’s not crazy, I saw the blonde girl too.

Starkwell: Well… yeah we the viewer saw what she saw, but that doesn't mean... but… oh never mind.

Lovelock: Act normal, Lovelock.  Don’t let them know…

Starkwell: Who drives around in a hearse anyways?

Lovelock: Damn hippies, that’s who.

[...]

Jessica continues to hear voices, talk to herself, and see people that aren’t there.  The empty rocking chair was particularly creepy, and caused Lovelock to nervously fat a couple of times.

[...]

[Jessica and her crew find a squatter, named Emily, in their newly acquired farmhouse.]

Starkwell: So let me get this straight, they get to their house, find someone living in it, and not only do they not seem upset AT ALL, they immediately trust her and invite her to stay the night?

Lovelock: It was a different time.  I bet they still picked up hitch hikers back then.  Damn Hippies.

Starkwell: Wait, is she playing a lute?

Lovelock: Of course the dude has a cello sitting around… Damn hippies.

[...]

It’s becoming clear that Jessica is completely bonkers.  We know that she was just released from an institution of some kind, and she keeps hinting at the fact that she was nuts.  But we don’t know what happened yet.  Starkwell also says that it’s becoming clear that “this movie is awesome.”  He doesn’t usually make a call like that this early.  Let’s see if he still feels that way as we get further in.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course Emily wants to have a séance…

Starkwell: Damn hippies.

Lovelock: Hey! Thems my line.

[...]

As the story continues to unfold, and the characters are developed, Lovelock falls asleep.  Jessica goes swimming and sees a dead body and it touches her.  Her descent back into madness is happening at an appropriate pace.  I haven’t seen Starkwell this excited in a long time.

[...]

Starkwell: You know, if Jessica is worried that Duncan and Woody are going to think she is nuts, playing dress-up in the attic and dancing around by yourself isn’t exactly a good choice…

[...]

The creepy whispers that keep playing, that we assume Jessica hears in her head are exceedingly creepy.  Enough so, that I believe they caused Lovelock to have a nightmare during his nap, as he woke up screaming “JESSICA MAKE IT STOP!”  His heart is racing now… so I think he’ll stay awake for the remainder.

[...]

[Three old dudes try and intimidate Duncan and Jessica in town.  They all seem to have wounds of some kind.]

Lovelock: I don’t know… the elderly are one demographic I don’t really find creepy.  Just push’em over and they’ll break their hips.

Starkwell: Dude, really?

Lovelock: Unless they have super powers.

Starkwell: Well, there’s definitely something off with these ones.

Lovelock: They look like typical townies to me.  Just hatin’ on damn hippies.

[...]

[Jessica goes back to the cemetery and sees Blondie McNightgown again, but this time follows her into the forest and finds a dead body.]

Starkwell: At this point, I would stop following strange apparitions if I were her…

[Duncan finds Jessica, but the dead body is gone, but then, Blondie reappears.]

Starkwell: Well at least now Duncan knows she isn’t totally nuts.

Lovelock: I don’t know… she seems pretty happy and nutty for someone who just followed a random girl through a forest and found a dead body.

Starkwell: I think she’s smiling because now Duncan will believe her.

Lovelock: That’s just what they want you to think.

Starkwell: Who?

[Then they both went quiet as the couple interrogated the Blonde Girl.]

[...]

Jessica is getting more and more paranoid, and she keeps hearing voices.  But, we the audience, are starting to suspect that Emily is not who she says she is.  It’s becoming clear that she is evil, and that she may even be THE LIVING DEAD.

[...]

Starkwell: I don’t trust that red hair, not for a second.

Lovelock: That’s just what they want you to think.

Starkwell: Dude, seriously… who?

[...]

I think the movie broke Lovelock.

[...]

[Duncan tells Jessica she needs more therapy and should go back to New York.]

Lovelock: Why?  So ya can put yer peener into Emily? What a fucking asshole! He saw the nightgown girl too!  Why would he treat Jessica, HIS WIFE, like that?

Starkwell: Long answer has to do with Emily and peener, short answer is that he’s an asshole.

Lovelock: Either way, I hope he gets dead.

[Duncan sleeps on the sofa and and softly ends up putting his peener into Emily.]

Lovelock: I hope he gets REALLY dead.

[...]

Jessica realizes that Emily is Abigail Bishop, the girl who supposedly had drowned in the lake back in the nineteenth century.  Also, she very much continues her descent into madness.  Lovelock is getting annoyed at the slow pace, but Starkwell thinks it’s totally rad.  As annoyed as Lovelock may be, he is still nervous and frightened through much of the film.

[...]

[Emily/Abigail comes out of the water and tries to kill Jessica.]

Lovelock: I take it back, movie, you can go back to being slow… because now I’m scared!

Starkwell: Can I just also add that the soundtrack is absolutely perfect?

[...]

Every time Jessica heard a voice whisper “I’m here” I think I heard Lovelock let out a little gasp and/or whimper.  I say again, I think the movie broke Lovelock.  Jessica heads into town and sees all the old dudes and their creepy wounds.  While this is happening, I’m pretty sure that the Undead Abigail is sucking Woody’s blood.  Jessica runs away and falls asleep in the forest, trying to follow Blondie McNightgown and wakes up when she hears Duncan calling for her.

[...]

[Jessica and Duncan lay down to go to bed… DUNCAN HAS A WOUND, ABIGAIL STABS JESSICA, AND A BUNCH OF OLD DUDES TRY TO FEAST ON HER.]

Lovelock: Well, I am glad that Duncan done got deaded, but I have to say, I was hoping Jessica would have a happy ending...

[...]

Woody is dead, and Jessica tries to run away.  Eventually she ends up in a boat and ends up killing Duncan.  It looks like Abigail and her creepy island full of zombies will live on and continue to torment people that come into said island.  Probably forever.  I know Lovelock will never be the same.

Beyond Re-Animator.

With Brian Yuzna back once again at the helm, Herbert West should hopefully be up to his eyeballs in guts in no time. Jeffrey Combs returns again as well.  Starkwell and Lovelock are happy to see the ol’ gang back together again.  The ol’ gang being, of course, Herbert West and gore. Let’s see how this (hopefully) last entry in the series holds up.

[...]

[Kids have a campout in the backyard.  Older sister hangs around in the house.]

Starkwell: No girl walks around listening to music in her underwear drinking glasses of milk.  Ever.

Lovelock: Like you would know.

Starkwell: You would?

[Girl hears a noise, walks around house to investigate.]

Starkwell: Turn on a fucking light!

Lovelock: Luckily there’s thunder and lightning to light up that... zombie!!!

[Zombie smashes girl’s head in.  Cops come and kill zombie, take Herbert away in a cop car.]

Lovelock: Why doesn’t anyone seem shocked that there is a dead person still squirming around?

Starkwell: Probably for the same reason that the kid just found Herbert’s a glowing syringe full of Herbert’s serum randomly on the ground.

Lovelock: If this movie turns out to be all about the kid re-animating his fugly sister, I’m going to be pretty pissed off.

[...]

The opening credits were as cool as ever, with that awesome fucking music.  But then we get a weird prison scene where West is conducting experiments on rats in his cell, and the cell next door has some “KERAZY” people!  Anyways, apparently the kid grew up to become a doctor, Doctor Philips, and is now starting his new job at the prison, the very same prison that West is at.  Turns out he has requested for West to work with him…

[...]

Starkwell: Why would the warden let an inmate work with the doctor?

Lovelock: Because the acting in this movie is HORRIBLE.

Starkwell: Also, if that’s the kid from the beginning, wouldn’t it have taken another twenty-five years to be a doctor at the prison, and so wouldn’t that make Herbert West MUCH FUCKING OLDER?

[Herbert West says it’s been thirteen years.]

Starkwell: How in the heck did the kid become a doctor in thirteen years?

Lovelock: MAGIC!

[...]

The Doctor instantly trusts Herbert West and decides they will work together, and gives him back his serum, which they inject on a newly dead guy who re-animates and goes crazy and bites a guard.  There’s a blonde reporter who is there for no fucking reason other than to be an immediate sexual interest for Doctor Philips, have huge boobies, and be allowed to roam a prison without a chaperone, much like most of the prisoners seem to be.

[...]

Lovelock: You would think that the nurse in a prison wouldn’t be dressed in such a whore-ish nurse outfit.

Starkwell: Yeah, you would think… This sucks.  I’m out.

[...]

I think it was partly that the reporter went home with the Doctor RIGHT after they met and partly that the Doctor told her the truth about everything.  Also that they boned immediately.  It was so damn stupid.  Lovelock agreed, but wanted to at least wait and see it through until all hell breaks loose in the prison, which it inevitably will.

[...]

Lovelock: More like “Beyond Stupid”, am I right?  Starkwell?  Oh yeah…

[...]

Seriously, the characters in this movie are some of the dumbest that anyone has ever seen.  Herbert West is definitely the smartest person in this world, but that’s not saying much.  In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.  In this case the blind are stupid and the one-eyed man is completely insane.  Also it’s boring.  Did that make any sense?  No?  Yeah, I don’t care.

[...]

Lovelock: More like “Beyond Boring”, wake me up when something happens.

[...]

There was a prison riot, and they reanimated the girl using the warden’s soul, the warden was reanimated using a rat soul, and he grew rat teeth, and… well anyways, the point is, I woke him up just in time to see the Drug Addict guy explode after injecting himself with the serum.

[...]

Lovelock: Why is there a rat pushing a severed penis through the air ducts?

[...]

Lovelock: Why is the torso of the Mexican Prisoner able to fly?

[...]

Lovelock: Why is the Reporter dressed up like a hooker?

[...]

He had more questions, but really, what’s the point.  This movie is bad.

The Pack.

A French film about crazy backwoods type of horror, 2010’s “La Meute” sets out to reinforce the notion that hitchhiking is really fucking stupid.  Picking them up?  Stupid.  Being one?  Stupid.  That’s actually probably not at all what it is setting out to do.  Whatever it is trying to do will soon be discovered and picked apart by everyone’s favorite (read: my favorite) zombie enthusiasts, Starkwell and Lovelock.  Luckily, their fluency in French will allow me to avoid having to hear Lovelock bitch about having to read subtitles.

[...]

[Girl picks up Hitchhiker, she warns him that if he takes his penis out, she’ll hammer him.]

Starkwell: Good that she is setting up the ground rules right off the bat. That’s definitely the right line to open with when picking up a hitchhiker… “NO WHIPPING IT OUT, OR ELSE.”  

Lovelock: And then five minutes later, she falls asleep and lets him drive?

[...]

The main girl, Charlotte, clearly has issues.  Anyways, Charlotte and Hitchhiker stop at some sketchy diner.  Some biker gang followed her there and tell her that they are going to sodomize her.  And him… apparently…

[...]

[Right before the bikers perform the ass rape(s), the owner of the diner saves the day.]

Lovelock: Remind me to never go to France.

Starkwell: The owner kind of looks like Roseanne.  Except, you know, French and inbred.

[...]

The atmosphere is pretty tense in here.  Charlotte lost her Hitchhiker friend, who just seems to have disappeared in the diner bathroom.  Then she meets an old guy wearing an “I Fuck on the First Date” t-shirt.  Anyways, French Roseanne is fucking scary, with her rubber gloves, spying on Charlotte and First Date Guy from behind her curtains.  Lovelock and Starkwell were very quiet, anticipating that scary and possibly disturbing things were going to start happening.  

[...]

[Charlotte waits for French Roseanne to leave, and then she breaks into the diner.]

Lovelock: Big mistake?  

Starkwell: Anyone who picks up hitchhikers, in what I can only assume is the ass rape area of rural France, probably doesn’t think much about consequences.

[...]

Obviously French Roseanne catches her, knocks her out, puts her in a cage, and then we find out that the Hitchhiker is HER SON!  Starkwell assumes that this will be the first of many twists.

[...]

[French Roseanne spikes a hole into a dude’s head, kills him, bleeds him into a bucket, and forces Charlotte to watch the hole thing.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t pick up hitch hikers.

Starkwell: That is a solid reason not to.

Lovelock: Well also, like, what if, LIKE SOME ANNOYING PEOPLE, they want to listen to some bullshit radio station, or like, talk about stuff?  Man, my car, my rules.

Starkwell: One fucking time I changed the channel, dude.  One time I talk about work.

Lovelock: MY CAR.  MY RULES.

[...]

Anyways, Charlotte and her new friend Asian Cowboy try to escape.  French Roseanne and Hitchhiker catch her and proceed to torture her and brand her like a piece of cattle.  That stopped their argument about car radios, and returned their focus to the film.  They sat on the edge of their seats.

[...]

[“Fuck on First Date” Shirt Old Guy tries calling Charlotte, hears her screaming for help before the call ends abruptly.]

Lovelock: Help me Obi-Wan Kanobi, you’re my only hope.

Starkwell: Dude, she’s fucked.

Lovelock: Is it the first date already?  Boom!

Starkwell: Groan.

[...]

Old Man is a cop!  He seems to be slowly figuring it out.  Anyways, when she isn’t sawing up human limbs, French Roseanne seems to be pumping some weird black blood liquid into Asian Cowboy and Charlotte.  Until they figure out what the shit is going on, I don’t foresee Lovelock or Starkwell saying a whole lot.  Lovelock let out at least one or two nervous farts though, and one loud gasp.  French Roseanne then hangs Asian Cowboy and Charlotte up outside their trailer, and cuts Charlotte’s foot.  Her blood touches the ground and… 

[...]

[Zombies THINGS rise out of the ground.]

Lovelock: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEIR FACES WAA AAAA AAA AA AA AAA A Aaaaaaaaaa aaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Zombie things start eating Asian Cowboy.]

Starkwell: So… umm… what the… ??? Are they??? What is…

[I haven’t seen them react like that in a while.]

[...]

Charlotte survives this wave of torture, and Hitchhiker proceeds to semi-explain that the zombies are dead miners, that have come back to life and need blood, or… something.

[...]

[French Roseanne captures Old Man Copper.]

Lovelock: So much for Obi-Wan.

[Wait, he was faking that he was drugged and unconscious, he punches Roseanne and throws her in her own cage, frees Charlotte.]

Lovelock: SNAP!  Jedi mind trick!

[Cop turns away while Charlotte kills Roseanne.]

Starkwell: Best… Cop… Ever…

Lovelock: I bet he TOTALLY fucks on the first date.

Starkwell: NOW’S NOT THE TIME FOR JOKES!

[Starkwell then proceeded to slap Lovelock and told him to pay attention.]

[...]

Turns out French Roseanne isn’t dead.  She kills Old Man Asskicker and Starkwell let out a shockingly loud “NO”.  At this point, the movie starts to get a bit more confusing, and make less sense.  Charlotte and Hitchhiker have just joined forces, and now are joining forces with the Ass Rape Biker Gang from the beginning.  All together in a small cabin, they prepare for a stand off with French Roseanne and her army of Bloodsucking Zombie Miners.

[...]

[Eventually, Charlotte is surrounded by zombies, in a field.]

Starkwell: What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck?

Lovelock: I think I’ve aged ten years in the last ten minutes.  FUCK CHARLOTTE GET UP!

[They start eating Charlotte.]

Starkwell: Umm… is she dying or having an orgasm?

Lovelock: Both?

[...]

Cut to Charlotte, who has replaced French Roseanne as the Queen of the Undead a.k.a. owner of the shitty diner?  And she’s pregnant?  Were they sexing her through biting her or… ?  And… The end.  Wait no, she wakes up, and she’s hung up where she was hung up before with Asian Cowboy, only now she’s missing a leg.  So… ummm… wait what?  FADE TO BLACK ROLL CREDITS.  Confused, scared and a little sick to his stomach, Lovelock runs to take a dump while Starkwell tries to figure out what the Hell just happened.

Tales of Terror.

Once again I have taken on the task of showing an anthology film to Starkwell and Lovelock.  As is the case with other anthology films, I need to delicately explain to Lovelock that not ALL of the segments will necessarily deal with zombies.  Interestingly, this Roger Corman picture not only features Vincent Price, but was partly written by Richard Matheson, who, notably, wrote “I Am Legend” upon which a bunch of movies have been based.  These facts were enough to reassure Lovelock in the face of a potential lack of zombieness.

[...]

[Opens with a heartbeat, a flashing image of a heart and Vincent Price’s creepy voice.]

Lovelock: They could show ninety minutes of this and it would be one of the more frightening films I’ve ever seen.

Starkwell: Might cause seizures though.

Lovelock: Yeah.  And pants shitting.

[...]

The first segment is “Morella”.  Vincent Price successfully plays an old bitter man who blames his daughter for the death of his wife, who died months after giving birth.

[...]

[Lenora finds her dead mother who apparently Price has been keeping all this time, in a bed, decomposing and gross.]

Starkwell: Impressive make-up job.

Lovelock: I’ll be MORE impressed if she gets up and walks.

Starkwell: There is more to movies than the walking dead, you know…

Lovelock: Well that’s a dumb thing to say.

[...]

Price admits that he wanted to throw Lenora out the window when she was a baby and Lovelock was like “dude that’s fucked.”

[...]

[Ghost of Morella possesses Lenora, chokes Price, and the house burns down.]

Starkwell: Good enough?

Lovelock: I’ll accept it.

[...]

Second segment is “The Black Cat”.  Peter Lorre plays the Old Drunk Montresor.

[...]

[Old Drunk threatens to kick the head in of a black cat, destroys the house looking for hidden money.]

Lovelock: Man, fuck this guy.  What did the kitty ever do to you?

[...]

[Old Drunk wakes up to a purring cat on his chest, he throws him!]

Lovelock: Come on, man!  The little guy is probably just hungry.

Starkwell: Peter Lorre plays a good drunk, though.

Lovelock: That`s no excuse for kitten tossing.

[...]

[Introducing Vincent Price as wine aficionado Fortunato Luchresi.]

Lovelock: CLEARLY Price was hoping to get the Academy Award for Best Moustache, 1962.

Starkwell: I don’t think that’s a real award.

Lovelock: It should be.

[Next scene, his moustache looks completely different.]

Starkwell: It’s a fake!  Disqualified.

[Later…]

Lovelock: Dude, I think you’re wrong… that looks real.  Besides, who else could compete with him?  It would be years before Burt Reynolds would win every year.

[...]

[Montresor chains up Fortunato and his wife and seals them in the house’s crawl space behind a brick wall.]

Starkwell: I might not think he deserves the Moustache Oscar, but Vincent Price deserves the Lifetime Achievement Award for performing “laugh-to-cry”s better than anyone else ever.

[Drunk at the bar Montresor admits he killed his wife.]

[...]

[Dream sequence wherein Fortunato and Wife break through the brick wall, rip off Montresor’s head and play catch with it.]

Starkwell: Might be the creepiest scene ever.

[...]

Anyways the cops come to investigate the house, and it turns out that Montresor sealed the Black Cat behind the wall, so, obviously, the cops find out what he did.

[...]

Lovelock: Boom!  Kitty saves the day.  Take that, LASSIE!

[...]

The third segment is “The Case of M. Valdemar”.  Price plays a dying M. Valdemar who wants to be hypnotized by Dr. James so that he won’t feel any pain as he approaches his imminent death, from some incurable disease.

[...]

Starkwell: See, now his moustache is all grey and flaky… I really think it may be a fake.

Lovelock: Whatever dude.  Groucho Marx won a whole slew of moustache awards in his day and his was painted on.  I think there are different criteria that they judge upon.

Starkwell: You realize that you’ve created a whole alternate reality, a fantasy if you will, in which there is an annual and quite prestigious Moustache Award given out to entertainers?

Lovelock: If that’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[...]

Anyways, Valdemar is hypnotized as he dies, and seems to be stuck in between life and death.  The Hypnotist tries to use his ‘control’ over Valdemar to get Valdemar’s young and sexy wife to make the sex with him.  But then a melty and decomposing Valdemar rises from the bed and kills the Hypnotist.  Starkwell stands up to applaud while Lovelock simultaneously gets up to do a jump kick.  He ends up kicking Starkwell in the head and falls on the ground and hits hit head on the coffee table.  With the two unconscious on the floor… I run away.

Dead Clowns.

Well, coulrophobia, or the FEAR OF CLOWNS, seems to be relatively common.  Personally I think most people are full of shit and just saying that they are afraid of clowns, but that is neither here nor there.  If clowns were actually some kind of undead demons trying to kill me, well, yeah, I’d be afraid of clowns.  I don’t know how much this movie owes to “Killer Clowns”, but I’ll let Starkwell and Lovelock find out.

[...]

[Some Dudes prepare for a hurricane.]

Starkwell: Is it necessary to show him boarding up every window, while the other guy does a puzzle?

Lovelock: It keeps us on the edge of our seat.  Wait, did I say ‘edge of our seat’?  I meant BORED.  It keeps us bored.

Starkwell: Well, at least the acting sucks.

[...]

After nearly twenty-five minutes, all we’ve really established is that there is a hurricane coming and that fifty years ago a bunch of clowns died in a previous hurricane.  That’s about it.  There are some characters, but I can’t see that anyone could possibly give a shit about them.

[...]

Starkwell: Thank you, STOCK FOOTAGE of hurricanes.

[...]

[Clowns slowly rise up out of the ocean floor.]

Lovelock: Admittedly, that was kind of creepy.

Starkwell: I feel like using clowns is a bit of a cop out… it’s such an easy way to make shit creepy.

Lovelock: This movie needs more of stuff like in this scene, and less of everything else in this movie.

[...]

[Girl with huge boobs is attacked by zombie clowns.]

Starkwell: I’ll bet they hired her for her acting.

Lovelock: I kind of wish they’d stop interrupting the shots of decomposing clowns looking gross and scary with stock footage of hurricanes.

Starkwell: Seriously, is this a movie about zombie clowns or a documentary about hurricanes?

[...]

They show hurricane stock footage between every other line of dialogue.

[...]

[Clown kills middle-aged woman… I think.]

Starkwell: Nobody screams in this movie.

Lovelock: I can tell you, if I came face to face with a zombie clown holding a bloody hammer, I’d probably scream, and maybe pee or poo a little.

Starkwell: Maybe the whole thing was filmed in an apartment complex and they were trying to keep the noise down.

Lovelock: That, or they were worried that if they did scream, a neighbor would call the cops.

[Cut back to Wheelchair Guy in house, clowns try to get into his house.]

Lovelock: Please, for the love of God, SEND IN THE CLOWNS.

Starkwell: Something needs to happen.

[Wheelchair Guy drives a drill into a clown and it IMMEDIATELY cuts to stock footage of a hurricane.]

Lovelock: I’m really surprised you’re still here.

Starkwell: I can’t explain it... I feel I need to stay.

[...]

So there are two other characters that are travelling serial killers or something, and, yeah well, this shit is crazy boring.  Where are the clowns?

[...]

Starkwell: If you like hurricane footage and uninteresting lame characters, you’ll love “Dead Clowns”.

[...]

The main focus of the story seems to be the hurricane and the travelling killers.  The Killers break into a woman’s house and tie her up, she explains the clown story to them.  This is the second time that we, the audience, have heard this story.  THE ENTIRE STORY.

[...]

Starkwell:  They’ve spent more time talking about the clowns than they have showing the clowns.

Lovelock: SEND IN THE CLOWNS.

Starkwell: The actors are being so quiet all the time... was this filmed in a library?

[...]

Everything in this movie is needlessly drawn out.  Even the shot of the clown ripping out a girl’s eyeball and eating it is RUINED by the slow pace.  If they were trying to make an homage to other deliberately paced aquatic based zombie films like "Zombie Lake" or "Oasis", mission accomplished.  I just realized that both Starkwell and Lovelock have fallen asleep.  No one in this movie ever looks scared.  In fact they never look anything.  It is the most wooden acting you will ever see.  

[...]

Starkwell: Is that a clown or Skeletor?

Lovelock: I’m just glad things are happening.

Starkwell: But nothing is happening.

Lovelock: That’s not entirely true… the hurricane footage is ACTION PACKED.

[...]

[Zombie clown cuts off a guy’s arm and eats it.  This takes five minutes.]

Lovelock: How come we can hear the chewing sounds so loudly but not his screams?

Starkwell: Because “fuck you audience”, that’s why.

[...]

Anyways, there are some genuinely creepy moments in this film, but they come in at the eighty minute mark of a ninety minute movie, and even then, they are seriously dragged out.  How much chewing and slurping do we really need to hear?  As stupid as the premise is, if it had been executed with more competence, I think it could have been one to remember.  As it stands, it is one to forget.

Versus.

Although a lot of the more recent zombie entries from Japan have left a sour taste in the mouths of Zombie Hall’s two resident aficionados, “Versus” promises to beat the crap out of that sour taste and explode it to infinity and beyond.  Are they ready for “Versus”?  Is anyone ever REALLY ready for “Versus”.  Alright, let’s get this show on the road.

[...]

[Text tells the story of the “Forest of Resurrection”, really fast.]

Lovelock: Hold on… what was that thing about gates?  Wait... go back.

Starkwell: I think it was four hundred and forty-four something…

Lovelock: I saw six-six-six…

Starkwell: Can we do it in slow-mo?

[They went back and read the whole thing.  It still made no sense.]

[...]

Then there’s a swordfight in olden Japan that ends with a dude being cut in half and another dude that looks like Raiden.  And then FLASH FORWARD to present day, and two convicts are running through the woods.  I assume these are the same woods known as… THE “Forest of Resurrection”.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m starting to think the director really likes those spinning shots that circle around people.

Lovelock: Also, he enjoys really dated late nineties music.

[...]

One of the cons is a mega tough guy.  From here on out, Lovelock and Starkwell will refer to him as Stone Face.  Stone Face and his partner meet up with some gangsters that work for the people they work for, and for some reason they’ve brought a girl.

[...]

Starkwell: These guys all follow orders pretty blindly, especially ones that make no sense.  “We are to meet you here, and bring this girl with us.  That is what we are told.”

[Stone Face tells them to let go of the girl, they refuse, so they FIGHT.  One dude gets shot and dies.  Then Mexican Standoff.]

Lovelock: What movie would be complete without a Mexican Standoff?

Starkwell: Most movies.

Lovelock: But check out that spinning camera shot!

[They show a guy with a suitcase in the distance, and then the dead guy gets up and starts attacking.  Stone Face’s partner dies, gets up as a zombie.]

Lovelock: We must all be quiet now, and allow ourselves to play air guitar while we enjoy this scene.

Starkwell: I think I’ll do a roundhouse kick if that’s okay with you.

Lovelock: I accept.

[...]

While they were rocking out to the movie, Stone Face got away, with the girl, and the wacky gangsters set out to find them, deep in THE FOREST OF RESURRECTION.

[...]

[Stone Face puts on a black leather trench coat he found on a dead guy in the woods.  Short guitar solo plays.]

Lovelock: Wait, was that guitar solo just in my brain or… ?? Did you hear that too?

[Stone Face attacks the gangster wearing a vest, then punches the girl in the face.]

Starkwell: Well… that’s one way to make her butt out.

Lovelock: Look out!  Yakuza member Vesty McPonytail is back up!

[...]

One of the gangsters realizes that these woods are where they’ve executed a lot of people, which means, thankfully, many many zombies.  Lovelock said he was so excited that a drop of pee came out.

[...]

[The zombies use guns.  The action is insane.]

Lovelock: It’s everything good that's ever been ever put into a movie put into one movie. WOAH! HE KICKED HIS HEAD OFF!

Starkwell: I don’t know dude, I mean... zombies with guns?

Lovelock: No.  No, I won’t let you take this joy away from me.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.

Starkwell: But, nothing is happening…

Lovelock: Guy.  Everything is happening, and it’s happening fast and hard, and it’s totally bananas.  I like bananas.  Do you like bananas?

[...]

Anyways, outside of random slow-mo shots of Stone Face staring at the girl, the action is pretty relentless.

[...]

Lovelock: Cartwheels are always the best way to dodge machine gun fire.  I really need to learn how to do a cartwheel.

Starkwell: Why?

Lovelock: Dude, you never know.

[...]

[Now we’re introduced to the cops that Stone Face originally escaped from.]

Lovelock: New characters?  Like I wasn’t confused enough?

[Stone Face and The Girl can’t remember anything that happened before they arrived in the woods.]

Starkwell: Well, you’re not alone.  Even the characters IN the movie are confused.

[...]

[The Big Boss shows up, and one of his subordinates tries to ambush him with a new crew of people.]

Lovelock: Where the hell did all of them come from?

Starkwell: From the looks of it, I’d say “The Matrix”.

Lovelock: Boom.

[...]

Big Boss has super powers, he rips the heart out of one guy and takes a bite out of it.  Then he gets all rapey with one of the girls, takes a bite out of her neck and offers her eternal life, like a vampire.  This only further confused Starkwell and Lovelock, as they tried to figure shit out.

[...]

[Dude with CRAZY RED HAIR flies into the screen and wants to fight Stone Face.  Before they start, he knocks the girl out.]

Starkwell: I don’t really get why he would need to knock her out…

Lovelock: In Japan, women come second?

Starkwell: Dude, that was not okay…

[...]

Sometimes when Stone Face does stuff, guitar solos play.  Lovelock claims that the director can read his mind.  Then Big Boss punches through a guys head and Lovelock started to cry a little.  When Starkwell asked him what was up he simply sobbed “I’m just so happy!”

[...]

[Starkwell seems annoyed.]

Starkwell: Basically, we’re watching a cartoon?

[Lovelock seems excited.]

Lovelock: Basically! We’re watching a cartoon!

[...]

Stone Face and Big Boss end up fighting a field somewhere, and Big Boss explains that he needs to sacrifice the girl to open the gates of Hell, basically.  And that he is Stone Face’s brother.  And that he’s been waiting five hundred years for today.

[...]

Starkwell: Stone Face is taking all of this news rather well.

Lovelock: Nothing can shock Stone Face I tells ya… nothing.

[...]

Starkwell: The girl is wearing white… how is she still so clean?  I mean even without the blood and zombies and stuff, just, dirt from the woods?

[...]

Stone Face is resurrected with crazy super powers and then shit gets even more action packed and IN YOUR FACE.  I don’t hear Lovelock complaining.  However, Starkwell keeps rolling his eyes.  I assume that’s not a rave review.

[...]

Starkwell: Basically you could sum up this movie in five minutes.

Lovelock: But then how would you fit in all of the fights?

Starkwell: I’m not too concerned about that.

Lovelock: Well that’s cuz you’re an idiot.

[Stone Face explodes a guy with a huge gun.]

Lovelock: BOOM! Let’s see you work that into your five minute version.

Starkwell: I think you’re missing the point.

Lovelock: I think you’re missing the point.

[...]

Anyways, the movie is way too long, especially when there’s this much slow-motion added in for effect.  They kind of explain everything, but it’s a hot mess, what with the whole flashbacks and flashforwards to some kind of post apocalyptic future society of bald mutant vampires or something.  Comedy, action, melodrama romance, sci-fi… SAMURAI SWORDFIGHT TO THE MAXXXXXX!!!!! Judging by Lovelock’s grin though, I don’t think he has any issue with any of this.  Starkwell, well, that’s a different story.

[...]

Lovelock: I gotta say, that those 99 years were not kind to the forest.

Starkwell: What’s with the “Predator” lights?

[...]

The end.

The Ghoul.

Shortly after his turn as Frankenstein’s Monster, Boris Karloff played a zombie.  Well, it was a “Ghoul” I guess.  But considering it was right around the time of “White Zombie”, this was a highly original premise.  Karloff played walking corpses through much of the 30s and 40s I guess… As for this film, apparently it was basically lost for decades, and only as recently as 2003 was it actually PROPERLY released in its uncut restored version.  I’m getting that off of TEH INTARWEBS though, so honestly, who knows?  Starkwell and Lovelock seem as ready as ever.

[...]

[White actor covered in dark make-up… playing an… Arab?]

Starkwell: Is it still AS racist in black and white?

Lovelock: Had racism been invented yet?

Starkwell: Yeah, you know, I’m pretty sure it had.

[...]

The dialogue, acting, lighting, cinematography, set design and direction are actually quite captivating and totally top notch.  It turns out that Professor Morlant, Boris Karloff, has bought some sort of Egyptian artifact, hoping that it will grant him immortality, as he is on his death bed.

[...]

[Morlant dies and is buried in this crazy tomb with the Secret Jewel.  Then his servant guy lights the torches INSIDE the tomb, which locks from the inside…]

Lovelock: That tomb is off the charts.  Remind me to get a tomb like that.

Starkwell: Are you planning on coming back from the dead?

Lovelock: I sure as heck hope so.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie is visually stunning.

[...]

As the story continued to unfold, Starkwell and Lovelock sat quietly mesmerized.  Occasionally Lovelock mocked the British expressions… he said “guv’nah” more times than Starkwell could handle, resulting in a glorious “SHUT UP” launched at Lovelock.

[...]

[Introducing Betty and Ralph, Morlant was their “rich wacky uncle”.]

Starkwell: Best line ever… “No, we don’t like him very much.”

Lovelock: I think the follow-up from Betty’s servant was even better… “Oh… we don’t?  Why don’t we?”

[...]

Lovelock is starting to feel like the story is a bit slow moving, and is showing signs of boredom.  I think he is just desperately waiting for Undead Morlant to make his triumphant entrance.  Hopefully the slow buildup doesn’t hype it up so much that his eventual resurrection ends up being a letdown.  Starkwell, on the other hand, loves the deliberate pace.  I know because he keeps saying out loud “I love the deliberate pace”.

[...]

Lovelock: Everything that Betty’s assistant does is fucking hilarious.  This is a rare instance where the comic relief is not only welcome, but totally God damn effective.

[Starkwell agreed, and nodded his head so hard he gave himself whiplash.]

[...]

[Arab dude from the beginning is back, he has noticeably less dark make-up on his face this time around.  Betty’s servant hits on him and makes him a sandwich.]

Lovelock: Looks like the help like the dark meat.

Starkwell: Looks like the studio liked it less, since they definitely toned it down.

Lovelock: Can I interrupt the sandwich making Arab love fest for a moment to ask WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GHOUL!?!?

Starkwell: You may not.  Also, didn’t the servant take the Secret Jewel anyways… so how could Morlant even rise from the grave?

[...]

Morlant rises from his tomb, and his Servant Guy let’s out the most hilarious sounding GASP that Lovelock and Starkwell have ever heard.  They rewound and watched it over and over again.  Honestly, at least ten times…  Then he choked a dude, and Lovelock did a cartwheel.

[...]

[Betty’s Assistant says “that’s the last time I try to make coffee in a strange house” kind of randomly.]

Lovelock: That sounds like something I would say.

Starkwell: Well, no, you’d say “And that’s why I never make coffee in a strange house.”

Lovelock: Well, also… “I’m the guest.  Fuck you, you make the coffee.”

[...]

[Morlant eventually arrives at his old house and tries to find the Jewel.]

Starkwell: I’m not sure if he’s looking for the Jewel or just going around choking people.

Lovelock: He keeps on letting them live!  Choke harder!

[...]

In one of the final scenes, they doubled down on the amount of make-up they put on Arab guy’s face.  It’s probably the only issue that Starkwell has with this movie.  Lovelock’s major issue is, as he has stated “I’m mega bored.”

[...]

[Ralph throws a vase at the bad guy’s head.]

Lovelock: Solid stunt for 1933.

Starkwell: That guy’s probably dead.

Lovelock: Well… yeah the movie’s eighty years old.  DUH.

Starkwell: I didn’t mean… I meant… I hate you.

[...]

[Turns out Morlant was buried alive?]

Lovelock: Wait… he wasn’t a ghoul OR a zombie?  I feel cheated.

Starkwell: It’s a nice twist though…

Lovelock: This movie needed more choking.  Also more Zombie Karloff.

Starkwell: They JUST said that he wasn’t actually-

Lovelock: MORE ZOMBIE KARLOFF.

[...]

Eventually fire is set to the tomb, with Ralph and Betty still inside!  They eventually escape.  Then it ends as abruptly as most movies from this era do.

[...]

[Starkwell and Lovelock imagine how the editing sessions went.]

Starkwell: “Show them exit the tomb, then immediately cut to a black screen with the words ‘the end’, and that’s a wrap.”

Lovelock: "Should we let them say anything?"

Starkwell: “No.  Just smile, fade, ‘the end’, IMMEDIATELY STOP FILM.”