Beyond Re-Animator.

With Brian Yuzna back once again at the helm, Herbert West should hopefully be up to his eyeballs in guts in no time. Jeffrey Combs returns again as well.  Starkwell and Lovelock are happy to see the ol’ gang back together again.  The ol’ gang being, of course, Herbert West and gore. Let’s see how this (hopefully) last entry in the series holds up.

[...]

[Kids have a campout in the backyard.  Older sister hangs around in the house.]

Starkwell: No girl walks around listening to music in her underwear drinking glasses of milk.  Ever.

Lovelock: Like you would know.

Starkwell: You would?

[Girl hears a noise, walks around house to investigate.]

Starkwell: Turn on a fucking light!

Lovelock: Luckily there’s thunder and lightning to light up that... zombie!!!

[Zombie smashes girl’s head in.  Cops come and kill zombie, take Herbert away in a cop car.]

Lovelock: Why doesn’t anyone seem shocked that there is a dead person still squirming around?

Starkwell: Probably for the same reason that the kid just found Herbert’s a glowing syringe full of Herbert’s serum randomly on the ground.

Lovelock: If this movie turns out to be all about the kid re-animating his fugly sister, I’m going to be pretty pissed off.

[...]

The opening credits were as cool as ever, with that awesome fucking music.  But then we get a weird prison scene where West is conducting experiments on rats in his cell, and the cell next door has some “KERAZY” people!  Anyways, apparently the kid grew up to become a doctor, Doctor Philips, and is now starting his new job at the prison, the very same prison that West is at.  Turns out he has requested for West to work with him…

[...]

Starkwell: Why would the warden let an inmate work with the doctor?

Lovelock: Because the acting in this movie is HORRIBLE.

Starkwell: Also, if that’s the kid from the beginning, wouldn’t it have taken another twenty-five years to be a doctor at the prison, and so wouldn’t that make Herbert West MUCH FUCKING OLDER?

[Herbert West says it’s been thirteen years.]

Starkwell: How in the heck did the kid become a doctor in thirteen years?

Lovelock: MAGIC!

[...]

The Doctor instantly trusts Herbert West and decides they will work together, and gives him back his serum, which they inject on a newly dead guy who re-animates and goes crazy and bites a guard.  There’s a blonde reporter who is there for no fucking reason other than to be an immediate sexual interest for Doctor Philips, have huge boobies, and be allowed to roam a prison without a chaperone, much like most of the prisoners seem to be.

[...]

Lovelock: You would think that the nurse in a prison wouldn’t be dressed in such a whore-ish nurse outfit.

Starkwell: Yeah, you would think… This sucks.  I’m out.

[...]

I think it was partly that the reporter went home with the Doctor RIGHT after they met and partly that the Doctor told her the truth about everything.  Also that they boned immediately.  It was so damn stupid.  Lovelock agreed, but wanted to at least wait and see it through until all hell breaks loose in the prison, which it inevitably will.

[...]

Lovelock: More like “Beyond Stupid”, am I right?  Starkwell?  Oh yeah…

[...]

Seriously, the characters in this movie are some of the dumbest that anyone has ever seen.  Herbert West is definitely the smartest person in this world, but that’s not saying much.  In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.  In this case the blind are stupid and the one-eyed man is completely insane.  Also it’s boring.  Did that make any sense?  No?  Yeah, I don’t care.

[...]

Lovelock: More like “Beyond Boring”, wake me up when something happens.

[...]

There was a prison riot, and they reanimated the girl using the warden’s soul, the warden was reanimated using a rat soul, and he grew rat teeth, and… well anyways, the point is, I woke him up just in time to see the Drug Addict guy explode after injecting himself with the serum.

[...]

Lovelock: Why is there a rat pushing a severed penis through the air ducts?

[...]

Lovelock: Why is the torso of the Mexican Prisoner able to fly?

[...]

Lovelock: Why is the Reporter dressed up like a hooker?

[...]

He had more questions, but really, what’s the point.  This movie is bad.