The Crow.

Undead ass kicker out for revenge.  Who could ask for more?  It is time for Lovelock and Stakwell to witness Brandon Lee’s swan song, and see if they end up asking for more.  Considering that there were a bunch of sequels made, I guess someone asked for more.  One thing is certain, we all wanted more Brandon Lee.

[...]

[Girl explains The Crow legend.]

Lovelock: How can a young girl have a voice that scratchy?  She sounds like a fifty year old chain smoker.

Starkwell: Hopefully she doesn’t narrate too much of this.

Lovelock: Holy shit!  Ernie Hudson!

Starkwell: Aw man, she’s narrating again.

Lovelock: It’s ok, Brandon’s coming soon.  I can feel it.

[...]

ERIC DRAVEN RISES FROM THE GRAVE!!!  Lovelock took out a pair of nunchuks he had stashed under the couch cushion and started swinging them around.  It was all fun and games until he hit himself in the nuts.  But at least when Draven had his awful rape/murder flashbacks followed by his good-times-with-shelly flashbacks, Lovelock had an excuse for why he was crying.

[...]

Starkwell: The soundtrack does date the movie a little.

Lovelock: A little?

Starkwell: Ok, a lot.

Lovelock: Still, somehow it works.

[...]

[Crow sees thug, Draven sees what crow sees.]

Lovelock: I’d have trouble being The Crow, because I hate birds.

Starkwell: Never mind the whole HORRIBLE DEATH AND QUEST FOR REVENGE.

Lovelock: Well, yeah that sucks too, but birds really freak me out.

[...]

Both Starkwell and Lovelock seemed to be enjoying the movie.  Pretty dark stuff.  They were very excited for Draven to keep killing more dudes.  Hopefully he’d kill Darla, our new favourite person to hate.

[...]

Starkwell: “At least he didn’t do any of that, ‘walkin’ against the wind’ shit.”  Best line ever.

[...]

We get a little more back story into why they were targeted a year ago.  It all makes us hate the bad guys even more.  There’s a certain cheesiness to the movie, but somehow it works.  Like an old grindhouse pic or a bad kung fu movie.

[...]

[Draven plays guitar solo on the roof.  Trashes guitar.]

Lovelock: Not bad.  Would have been cooler if he was playing insane drone or doom metal or something.

Starkwell: He’s kind of the coolest super hero ever.

[...]

They put it to a vote and decided that the worst character is the Asian Half Sister.  She sucks.

[...]

[Crazy John Woo-esque all out gun frenzy.]

Lovelock: I’m. So. Happy.

[...]

[Draven is about to go back to the afterlife to be with his lady, but notices that Sarah was taken.]

Lovelock: Aw man… see, if it wasn’t for the stupid kid, he’d already be in Happy Land.

Starkwell: Whatever, he needs to kill these dudes.

[Crow is shot, Draven is vulnerable, but in comes ERNIE FUCKING HUDSON!!!!!]

Lovelock: Who you gonna call!?!?!?!?!

[...]

Then Lovelock made up and sang some song about Ernie Hudson.  I think he mentioned “No Escape” at one point.

[...]

[Crow pecks out Asian Half Sister’s eyes.]

Lovelock: And that’s why I have an irrational fear of birds.  That could totally happen.

Starkwell: Whatever you say man… I’m just glad she’s dead.

[...]

Then Draven basically goes all Spock Mind Meld on the bad guy and his brain explodes and he gets impaled on a cross.  It’s awesome and Lovelock and Starkwell cheered.  Draven and Shelly are reunited and everything is awesome fantastic.  It does end on another Young Girl Sarah narration, which annoys Starkwell, but not enough to ruin the experience.

Insanitarium.

If your sister is institutionalized, then of course the rational thing to do is fake go-crazy so you can end up in the nut house with her.  I mean what’s the worst that could happen?  Would a mad scientist turning his patients into flesh eating zombies be the worst thing?  Let’s let Starkwell and Lovelock find out if deciding to watch this movie is actually the worst thing.  Peter Stormare is in it, so it can’t be all bad.

[...]

[Main Character, Jack, pretends to FLIP OUT, cops wrestle him down.]

Starkwell: Easily the two lamest looking cops I have ever seen.

Lovelock:  Okay, so clearly his moustache is lame, but is the bad combover lame?  I actually think that makes him somehow cooler.

[...]

[They place Jack in some cell somewhere.]

Starkwell: Why would they put him next to serial killers and rapists?  You could fit a starship in that plot-hole.

Lovelock: True, but if you suspend your disbelief a little, maybe that starship will take us to the far away galaxies and beyond.

Starkwell: Yeah, or explode on takeoff.  We’ll see.

[...]

Stormare sure knows how to be creepy.  Although, there’s a scene where he lets the Crazy Bald Dude sniff his fingers, and I don’t really get why we need to see that.  Also, Crazy Girl That Screams Vagina needs to not be in this movie.

[...]

Starkwell: I know that he’s trying to convince everyone he’s Looney Tunes, but does Jack have to act like such a douche bag?

Lovelock: Probably.  That actor is way too pretty to not be all douchey all the time.

[...]

[Mad Scientist shocks a patient, Helper Bitch holds the patient down.]

Starkwell: Why the hell didn’t she get electrocuted?

Lovelock: I think your starship just got a little bigger.

[...]

The movie crept forward at a decent pace.  In your face plotholes aside, the story and acting weren’t bad, and Jack seemed likeable enough, as douchey as he kind of was.  “His sister seems like a pain in the ass”, said Lovelock.  Starkwell and Lovelock were paying attention, but not enough to stop them from playing word games on their smart phones.

[...]

Lovelock: Seriously, Scarface Vagina-Scream needs to not be in this movie.

[...]

Starkwell almost left when there was a horribly uncomfortable rape scene, but in order to save the day, I pressed fast forward.  I don’t do it often, but I didn’t feel like making Lovelock watch this one alone.

[...]

Starkwell: So… No one finds it odd that half the patients suddenly have crazy white eyes?

Lovelock: Think of it as a Moon sized plot-hole to go with your starship.

[White Eyed guy bites nurse.]

Lovelock: Alright, now we’re talking.

Starkwell: I guess… the nurse is kind of annoying.

Lovelock: Also, why is she dressed like a nurse from World War Two?

Starkwell: Because that’s all the director could find at the costume store.  And by costume store, of course, I mean one of those Halloween superstores that only opens for one month out of the year.

[...]

[Jack suddenly has a change of heart.]

Starkwell:  So he cooks up a plan to get in the institution with his sister so that… he can get in there, say hi, and realize he doesn’t belong… and then try to get the doctors to let him leave?  Is that another starship I see on the horizon?

Lovelock: Maybe not, I mean, if he was dumb enough to think that any of this was a good idea in the first place, maybe he should be in there after all.

[...]

Although Lovelock seemed somewhat entertained by Jack and his buddy and their Nancy-Drew-Hardy-Boy-esque investigation of what is going on, here at the INSANITARIUM, Starkwell is getting visibly frustrated.  Perhaps his interest has fallen into the plot-holes.  But then, during the awkward Mad Scientist / Helper Bitch sex scene, complete with tie-downs and panties stuffed in mouth, Starkwell stands up, shouts “I QUIT” and leaves.  Lovelock says “he’ll be back” but then added “probably not during this movie though.”  Since Lovelock barely ever leaves, as always, the rest will be things that he muttered to himself, yelled at the TV or simply shouted to the heavens.

[...]

[Guy rips head off of a cat, and licks the blood.]

Lovelock: Well, I’ve never seen that before.  Can’t say I’d ever want to see it again.

[...]

Lovelock: Lesson number one, when trying to not be perceived as crazy, don’t flip out and act fucking crazy.

[...]

Lovelock: Lesson number two, don’t reach arm into cage holding homicidal maniac.  Well, that is, unless you want him to literally rip your arm off.

[...]

[Scarface Vagina-Scream eats the guard’s penis off, also the World War Two nurse sucks/licks/feasts on Helper Bitch’s open wound.]

Lovelock: Lesson number three, sometimes when Starkwell leaves, you may be wise to follow.

[...]

[Guy eats his own hand, also the rabid zombies pop out of the ceiling like ninjas.]

Lovelock: Aww… look at all these plotholes… I miss Starkwell.

[...]

As holey as the movie is, Lovelock finds the level of gore fairly remarkable.  There is a lot of blood and the violence level skyrockets once the outbreak is in full swing.  Although at one point there were some seriously weak knife stabs featured quite prominently on screen.

[...]

[Topless Scarface Vagina-Scream finally dies.]

Lovelock: Who writes a character like that?  Who writes a character like that and keeps her around for that long?

[...]

Well, it ends, and it’s pretty depressing.  The movie’s not terrible, but it ain’t all that great either.  It definitely gets an ‘A’ for effort, an ‘A+’ for violence and gore.  Sadly, many other categories come in at ‘D’, ‘C –‘ or ‘FAILED BECAUSE OF TOO MANY ABSENCES’.

The Grapes of Death.

Desperate to find something by Jean Rollin that Starkwell and Lovelock might actually enjoy, I’ve decided to go with “Les Raisins de la Mort”.  Not a traditional flesh-eating zombie based movie, this is still always mentioned when people bring up zombie films from the seventies.  Oddly enough, even though the premise is very similar to that of Romero’s “The Crazies”, people don’t consider Romero's film to be a zombie film.  Even though it was a million years before this.  People are dumb.  Anyways, take “The Crazies”, throw in a dash of “Manchester Morgue”, add a famous French porn starlet, and you get "The Grapes of Death".  Let’s see what happens when we throw in a dash of Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

Starkwell: If it is possible for a guy to have both the worst hair and the worst moustache, I think that guy has done it.

[...]

[Ugly Guy is not feeling well, foreman says, “Back to work, we get new airtight masks tomorrow.”]

Starkwell: Why would they be working without airtight masks?

Lovelock: Times were tough, not everyone can afford such luxuries.

[...]

[Ugly Guy runs into our heroine on the train.  His face is melting.]

Lovelock: You think she’s running away from him because his face is melting, or because his hair and moustache make him look like a rapist?

Starkwell: Probably a little bit of both.

[...]

The pace was, deliberate, at best.  As Elisabeth flees the train into the French countryside, she stumbles upon a farm house, where the farmer has a melty hand.  I should mention Starkwell was angry that many shots appeared to be out of focus.

[...]

[Farm Guy kills his daughter after she tries to help Elisabeth.]

Starkwell: Obviously he had to rip her shirt off first.

Lovelock: Well… yeah to show that she had sores just like him…

Starkwell: Obviously the sores were next to her breasts.

[...]

Lovelock: The French countryside looks lovely… well, except for the melty homicidal maniacs.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock weren’t saying very much.  It’s hard to have much to say when not much is happening on screen.  That being said, I wouldn’t say they weren’t still somehow enjoying it.

[...]

[Elisabeth runs into wandering blind girl.]

Starkwell: Oh yeah, blind girl that needs constant help and talks loud… that’s not going to get old real fast.

[...]

[Blind Girl finds her husband.]

Starkwell: His “sores” look more like runny crepe batter.

Lovelock: Well he is French, maybe he’s not sick, maybe he was just whipping up a batch of crepes…

[He nails her to a door, topless, chops off her head.]

Lovelock: Scratch that.  Unless he needs her head for his crepes.

Starkwell: Of course she’s topless.

[...]

[Brigitte Lahaie strips down to prove to The Vigilantes that she has no sores.]

Starkwell: Obviously…

Lovelock: Hey, just be thankful that it’s Brigitte Lahaie and not a dude.

Starkwell: I love that even the on-screen characters are like "you didn't have to strip, you know."

[...]

Starkwell: Lesson number one, if the fake severed head looks that fake, probably would be wise not to have such a long close-up of it.

[...]

Lovelock just fell asleep.  The Two Dudes that rescued Elisabeth and are now bringing her to her vineyard.  Somehow, they manage to IMMEDIATELY figure out, EASILY, that all of this must be caused by the wine… as if it was somehow obvious.  It wasn’t.  Well, not to the viewers anyways, unless you've read the back of the box.

[...]

[Gun Dude shoots Elisabeth’s fiancé, because his face is melting.  Elisabeth then decides to kill Gun Dude.  All of the noise wakes Lovelock up.]

Lovelock: I guess I’m still half asleep, everything looks all blurry.

Starkwell: No no, that’s still just the terrible camera work.

[...]

Then the movie ends.

Devil's Playground.

A newer zombie film from the UK, "Devil’s Playground" apparently offers SUPER ATHLETIC FAST ZOMBIES.  Which probably will just end up meaning a hybrid between two film fads from this movie's production year, zombies and parkour.  In any case, let’s see if it can keep the interest of our resident zombie aficionados Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

[Montage explaining how the outbreak started.]

Starkwell: Who the fuck would volunteer for that?

Lovelock: And I thought the FDA was too loose.

Starkwell: Let’s never go to the UK.

[...]

We are then introduced to a series of characters and some recognizable faces.  Most of the characters seem to be criminals.  Starkwell said something like “I smell an Anti-Hero.”

[...]

[Scientists lose control of one of the trial patients.]

Starkwell: They don’t even know if it’s contagious?  Worst scientists ever.

Lovelock: Shhhh… let the crazy rabid zombie eat in peace. 

[Main character shoots zombie in the head a lot.  Bitten scientists immediately sprout up and ATTACK.]

Starkwell: Well, that answers the contagious question.

Lovelock: And the scientists got what they deserve.  Win win.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure it’s just lose.

Lovelock: For who?

Starkwell: Us.

[...]

This is a pretty violent mess.  And the outbreak EXPLODES ALL OVER LONDON.

[...]

[Cole, clearly infected, shoots a dude who tries to kill him.  In the head.]

Lovelock: I like Cole.

[...]

Then zombies chased Cole through a parking lot and there was some of the lamest and most forced parkour ever.  They laughed.  Hard.  There wasn’t much talking after that.  They were watching the movie pretty quietly, seemingly interested at what would happen next.

[...]

[Zombies are scared of the water.]

Lovelock: Geez, are they zombies or SYNGENORs?

Starkwell: Pretty obscure reference.  Try again.

Lovelock: Are they zombies or the stupid aliens from "Signs"?

Starkwell: Better.

[...]

Starkwell: I have a big problem with the fact that some people turn zombie instantaneously, and others take a long time.

Lovelock: I have a big problem with the fact the American dude is a total douchebag.

Starkwell: Well, at least they’re playing up the idea that our worst enemy is ourselves.

Lovelock: I guess… more like our worst enemy is the dude from the USA.

Starkwell: And his piece of shit British lady friend.

[...]

[Joe doesn’t want Angela to go with Cole, fearing that they will do experiments on her.]

Starkwell: Joe seems like a good guy and all, but doesn’t he realize that she is the key to making this horrifying outbreak stop?

Lovelock: He’s either stupid, or selfish.  Either way, it ain’t great for ol’ Joe.

[...]

There’s a fairly intense ending, complete with standoff between our two heroes and a horde of zombies.  Lovelock cried, Starkwell laughed at him.  Good times were had by all.  Fairly cookie cutter stuff, but executed well enough to deserve a place in the mediocre pile of “not that shitty” zombie movies.

[...]

Lovelock: It is pretty sweet that Cole’s weapon of choice is the hammer.

Cannibal Apocalypse.

Usually putting hilariously over the top Italian zombie exploitation movies on for Starkwell and Lovelock to enjoy produces mixed results.  Hilarity always ensues, but reactions vary.  Well now, let’s add JOHN SAXON to the mix and see what happens with this promising 1980 film, “Cannibal Apocalypse”.

[...]

Starkwell: Lesson number one, never open a film with THE GRAINIEST STOCK FOOTAGE EVER.

Lovelock: Why not?

Starkwell: Do you really not see a problem?

[...]

Then there was a shot of a soldier petting a dog, which then explodes and Lovelock and Starkwell laughed so hard that the neighbours complained.   Also, the soundtrack sounds like Isaac Hayes wrote it.  I mean, on an off day, but nonetheless, just like him.

[...]

[Cannibals rip girls shirt, eat her boobs.]

Starkwell: Why.  Of course they eat her boobs.

Lovelock: WHY NOT!?!?

[...]

[It was all just a horrible JOHN SAXON dream.]

Lovelock: But it felt so real.

Starkwell: Dear Roper, put some pants on.  Sincerely, me.

[...]

There was a sketchy scene where Saxon gets seduced by a teenage neighbour girl.  He may or may not have then tried to take a bit out of her.

[...]

[Army Dude takes a bite out of a girl’s neck at the movie theatres.  The girl was having her boob sucked by someone sitting next to her.]

Lovelock: Well, at least he didn’t bite the booby.

Starkwell: Why does there always need to be a booby involved though?

[...]

It was sometime during the angry mob’s hunting of Army Dude that Starkwell started to wonder if there would be any kind of actual plot in this movie…

[...]

Starkwell: His name is Charles Bukowski?

Lovelock: Apparently he can somehow use a shotgun like a sniper rifle.  Also it has INFINITY AMMO.

[...]

[Cops close in on Bukowski.]

Starkwell: “When I’m through with him he’ll be singing from his asshole”… What does that even mean?

Lovelock: Maybe he plans on feeding him beans.

[...]

Not a whole was happening.  For a movie that looked this zany, as Starkwell put it “it sure moves at a snail’s pace.”

[...]

[Outbreak starts.]

Starkwell: So… it takes a REALLY small time for it to affect some, but somehow in Roper it’s slow acting?

Lovelock: Well, he was able to beat Bolo.

[...]

The outbreak gets going though, and it’s pretty insane.  There were not one, but three air guitar solos played by Lovelock over the next twenty minutes.  But, as Starkwell noted “it took an hour for it to get here.”

[...]

[Vigilantes from beginning come back for Charlie, they attack Roper and his Gang of Cannibals.]

Starkwell: The biker gang from the beginning just happen to be there?

Lovelock: They’re like, everywhere… man.

[Eyeball gag.]

Lovelock: Definitely one of the weaker eye gauges that I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing.

Starkwell: Who are we supposed to be rooting for?

Lovelock: I think the answer is John Saxon… but I don’t like it.

Starkwell: I’m rooting for this to be over soon.

[...]

The cops were chasing them through the sewers, and during one of the flame thrower shots, it was clear that they set an actual live rat on fire.  Now, I don’t like rats, but that’s weak.  When Tommy was set on fire, however, the crowd (Lovelock and Starkwell) gave the film a standing ovation.  It’s a small crowd I know, but it was impressive nonetheless.  The movie ends with a twist that isn’t really a twist wherein the neighbour kids are infected and have eaten their aunt.  I guess the world will end shortly thereafter.  Starkwell and Lovelock were just thankful that the movie had, in fact, ended.

House of the Dead.

You may be a fan of the original SEGA gun games.  You may be an avid zombie film fan.  You might then think, how could this possibly be bad?  It won’t take long for Uwe Boll to show Starkwell and Lovelock how it could be bad, and also just how bad it can be.  Get ready for a horrible ride.

[...]

[Opening credits features mangled up footage from the original game.]

Lovelock: It’s almost as if Boll is asking us, “wouldn’t you rather be playing the game?”

Starkwell: I have a feeling that soon I will realize that there are a lot of things I’d rather be doing right now.

[...]

Then they showed the lamest “rave” ever, and some of the lamest “college aged kids” that I have ever seen.  It turns out the “rave” is on the ISLAND OF THE DEAD.  There have already been a few familiar faces that should be ashamed to have been involved with this movie.

[...]

[POINTLESS UNDERWATER NAKED BOOBY SHOTS.]

Starkwell: So this is going to be one of those movies.

[...]

[Girl finds weird GLOWING RED EYED zombies, they eat her, I guess.]

Starkwell: Those looked more like CHUDs than zombies…

Lovelock: What’s with the random shots of the actual video game?

Starkwell: I assume because otherwise you’d never know what this movie is supposedly based on.

[...]

Lovelock: Lesson number one, when showing up to a “rave” on a mysterious island, if the place looks like it was ransacked by Vikings, TURN THE FUCK AROUND.

Starkwell: I think part two of that lesson should be not to have sex in a random abandoned tent.

Lovelock: Did he just say ‘humpity bumpity’?

[...]

After some lame newly introduced character compared the "rave" outbreak to Romero movies with an incredibly awkward and out-of-place reference, Starkwell realized that the movie was written by Mark Altman.  Mark Altman is responsible for a lot of bad zombie movies.  Each of them contains scenes of characters talking about other real zombie and horror films, and it NEVER SOUNDS NATURAL.  The dialogue here is no exception.  “What does he think?  Does he think that referencing good movies somehow elevates his own?” exclaimed Starkwell.

[...]

Lovelock: Zombies can do front crawl?

Starkwell: They just showed the same zombie die like three or four times in a row.. in slow motion.

Lovelock: Zombies spit acid? Captain Kirk is the ONLY good thing in this movie.

Starkwell: That actor should still be embarrassed.

[...]

Starkwell officially voted that the worst line of dialogue was “These are zombies pure and simple.”  But then a minute later Captain Kirk said “Spanish people from Spain” and Lovelock said, “There’s a new sheriff in town.”

[...]

Starkwell: It’s not often that you see a director’s choices making a bad script worse.

[...]

[Zombies apparently have super jumping abilities.]

Starkwell: What the fuck?  You can see the springboard on the ground!  Boll didn’t even bother hiding it.

Lovelock: Is that an example of “complete disregard for the viewing audience” that you are always talking about?

[...]

[Group discusses guns that they will use.]

Starkwell: Clearly Altman learned about guns from playing video games.

Lovelock: And yet, oddly enough, it feels like he clearly never played “House of the Dead”.

[...]

Lovelock: The soundtrack makes an already shit movie, even shittier.

[...]

[Head explosion.]

Lovelock: What a waste of a good head explosion shot.

[...]

Then Lovelock start looking around him and realized Starkwell had left.  I’m surprised he held on that long.  He left just in time too, because he missed the HIGH SPEED MONTAGE that made Lovelock want to throw stuff at the TV.

[...]

Lovelock: Nothing says “time for a make-out session” like “we’re trapped in a spooky house surrounded by zombies”.  FUCK THIS SHIT.

[...]

Lovelock: New clumsiest line “Hey look at this book, it looks old, let’s read it, maybe it will help us.”

[...]

Starkwell: So, they don’t explain how any of them could possibly know how to use guns, and do martial arts, but, in order to explain why, at the end of the movie, the main girl would be able to battle an ancient Spanish warrior in a sword fight, was by slipping in a mention that she practices fencing.

[She is stabbed between her globes.]

Lovelock: And still, she died.  Wait… she’s up?

Starkwell: She got a sword THROUGH THE HEART.

Lovelock: Also, why are you back?

Starkwell: Forgot my phone.  See ya.

[...]

The zombies looked decent enough, but that was the only thing in the film that came close to meeting par.  Piece of shit.  I should also mention that the ending doesn’t make any sense.  But, what did we expect?