Black Sheep.

After carefully informing them that they were not about to watch the David Spade / Chris Farley romp, Lovelock and Starkwell were intrigued by the premise of New Zealand’s “Black Sheep”.  While Starkwell isn’t sure that writer/director Jonathan King will succeed in making sheep scary, Lovelock is already totally prepared to set his wool sweaters on fire.  Begin.

[...]

[Film is presented by the New Zealand Film Commission.]

Lovelock: Wow, their government funds movies about zombie sheep?  What a paradise.  Let’s go visit.

Starkwell: Probably not the main reason that most people would.

Lovelock: The Zombie Hall duo is going to New Zealand.

Starkwell: Pass.

[...]

[Hippy Dude steals weird genetic mutant sheep thing from lab, it gets loose and bites him.]

Lovelock: It’s always the damn hippies.

Starkwell: Well, technically it’s the weird genetic experimentation that’s the issue.

Lovelock: Whatever dude.

[...]

They were both a little grossed out by ZOMBIE SHEEP FOETUS.  And then Hippy Dude bit into a little bunny and they both booed.  Poor little bunny.  I think Lovelock repeated “always the damn hippies” a few times.  Then they find out the hippy girl’s name is EXPERIENCE.  So, yeah.  It’s always the damn hippies.

[...]

[First sheep attack.]

Starkwell: So he has an irrational fear that one day sheep are going to rise up and start killing… and it happens?  Sucks to be him.

Lovelock: I got the same thing with birds.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Fuck Hitchcock.

[...]

The movie was good.  The two stayed mostly quiet, watching the story unravel.  They liked the characters, and felt the story was interesting enough.  They did make at least one too many comments about how the main characters were walking around MIDDLE EARTH.  It was the kind of thing that started off funny, but they overkilled it hard, and then never brought it up again.  I think Lovelock secretly hopes it will be funny again later, and make a comeback.

[...]

[Experience and Henry fall into a pit of discarded sheep guts.]

Lovelock: She thinks a scented candle is going to help?  Fucking hippies.

Starkwell: Whatever, at least when Henry asked if she was ok, she answered “I’ll never be ok again”… Might be the best line of dialogue ever.

Lovelock: Oh wait, she’s using it like a torch… I may have under estimated her.

[...]

In the span of two minutes they managed to get in a sheep fucking joke AND having Hippy Girl Experience fart in Henry’s face.  Much to Lovelock’s and my surprise, Starkwell didn’t walk out.  He just said “I’ll allow it.”

[...]

[Enter the first SHEEP MONSTER MAN HYBRID.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: … [nervous fart] …

Starkwell: I thought that “Poultrygeist” turned me off of people turning into weird zombie animal things, but this is turning me back around.

Lovelock: I’m fully turned.  Now please, do shut up.

[...]

[Scientists watch man turn into sheep.]

Lovelock: This is totally a remake of Pinnochio.

Starkwell: Wait what?  Wasn’t that a goat? And how is this remaking that?

Lovelock: The old lady with the gun is Gepetto, and Hippy Guy is the Pink Elephants.

Starkwell: I think you’re blending some things together there.

Lovelock: I think the Hippy Girl is Bambi.

[Starkwell starts crying, frustrated and horrified.]

[...]

Then there was a sheep stampede and lots of shots of people being eaten by sheep.  Lovelock stood up and did a most majestic cartwheel followed by several fist pumps.  Starkwell tried not to get hit in the face.  Unsuccessfully.

[...]

[Experience shoots man-sheep in head.]

Starkwell: There’s the money shot.

Lovelock: Fitting that you say that, because I may have just money shot in my pants.

[...]

The final showdown between Henry and his brother as a SHEEP MONSTER is obviously fitting because of how the film started.  But then there was a scene where they showed a sheep biting and pulling on the brother’s penis and it was, well, horrifying.  They followed it with a sheep FARTING into a lit lighter and causing an explosion.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that the film officially jumped the shark with about two minutes left.  It’s a pity, because it was going so well.

Dead & Deader.

A 2006 Made-for-TV ‘SyFy’ channel movie, “Dead & Deader” was written by Mark Altman.  Altman is no rookie to the Zombie genre, having penned such modern day CLASSICS as “House of the Dead”, and “All Souls Day”.  Wait.  Sarcasm doesn’t seem to come across properly on paper.  When I said CLASSICS back there, the implication was that I really meant TOTAL TURDS.  Let’s see if he got any better with practice.

[...]

[Dean Cain leads an army platoon of dudes into a zombie infested SECRET RESEARCH CABIN IN THE WOODS.]

Lovelock: What’s with the frosted tips?

Starkwell: No man has ever pulled it off ever.

Lovelock: Especially not in 2006.  I think Superman needs to reverse time again and get a new fucking haircut.

Starkwell: Judging by the haircut, I'd say he's stuck in the mid-nineties.

[...]

[Cain wakes up during his autopsy.]

Starkwell: Shouldn’t the doctor be at least a LITTLE bit surprised?

Lovelock: It takes more than a dead guy suddenly reviving to shock this professional army doc.

[Cain cuts his arm open and pulls out a scorpion.]

Starkwell: So… this still does not shock the good doctor?

Lovelock: Dude, they’re trained for this kind of thing.

Starkwell: Yeah, I don’t think that they are.

Lovelock: I think we are neglecting to talk about the more important issue, Dean Cain’s boobies.

[...]

Starkwell continued to make observations about how well the old doctor and the young SEXY girl doctor (who is wearing her hair back and is sporting pointdexter glasses to hide her sexiness) seem to be taking the news of a walking dead soldier.  Then we are introduced to a sassy black fry cook and some bad Dean Cain martial arts, and Lovelock and Starkwell both start laughing.

[...]

Starkwell: Why do the zombies have green blood?

Lovelock: Probably so they can get away with showing this on TV.

Starkwell: Like when they released Mortal Kombat on the Genesis without the blood?

Lovelock: Yeah, but unlike that, we can’t enter a code to turn the blood red.

Starkwell: Maybe not, but we can press stop on the remote which is starting to look like a good option.

[...]

I should notice that everytime it fades to black, for a commercial break, Starkwell stands up, hoping it’s over.  Lovelock actually seems somewhat into it, and keeps telling him to “try and appreciate the cheese.”

[...]

Starkwell: At some point are they going to explain why Superman isn’t turning into a zombie like the others?

Lovelock: Who cares?

Starkwell: Clearly the writers don’t care.

Lovelock: About the explanation?

Starkwell: About us.

[...]

[Midget Zombie bites man in testicles.]

Starkwell: Altman, you’re a class act.

[Cain lobs off zombie head with an axe.]

Lovelock: I don’t know, I think he’s doing an okay job.

[...]

Starkwell: Obviously, the sexy bartender-film-student steals a cop car and decides to join them in their quest to save the world.

[...]

Starkwell: Obviously, they go to a costume shop to get new clothes.

Lovelock: Obviously, Token tries on the cheese hat.

Starkwell: Obviously, we see Susan Ward in her bra and panties.

Lovelock: Do they have to dress the one black actor up like Michael Jackson in “Thriller”?  Are they really going that route?

[...]

The dialogue is some of the worst dialogue ever.  The jokes aren’t funny, the story is stupid, the characters annoying.  It sounds like it was written by a fourteen year old.  In 1996.  It sounds like the kind of dialogue you hear between a nerdy customer at Game Stop and the ‘Comic Book Guy’ working the cash.  In 1996.

[...]

Lovelock: You’d think the Military Police could afford nicer signs.

[...]

Dean Cain jump kicked a door open in slow motion and I honestly think Lovelock almost died laughing.  Three minutes went by and he hadn’t taken a breath.

[...]

[Movie ends.]

Starkwell: So… no explanations?  Just everyone’s dead and Susan Ward wants to bang Dean Cain at a motel down the road?

Lovelock: Do you have a better idea?

Starkwell: For starters, never watch this movie again.

[...]

Much like in the TERRIBLE “All Souls Day”, throughout this movie, the characters reference other movies.  But instead of it ever being some kind of subtle homage, the characters flat out say things like “Do you know what TIE Fighter stands for” or two characters talking about who the best Bond is or Susan Ward explaining the existence of social commentary in Romero’s “Dawn”.  Badly.  However, this time around, Altman didn’t limit it to movies.  Starkwell’s top three incredibly out of place and forced references are: 

1) the video game “Everquest” 

2) Susan Ward saying “Oh Sabbath? Yeah Black Sabbath Rocks”

3) Susan Ward’s character continuously repeating that she knows Krav Maga

Who writes lazy, clumsy, dumb and pointless dialogue like that?  A lame person who shouldn’t be writing movies.  The end.

Demons.

Son of legendary Italian director Mario Bava, Lamberto Bava had large shoes to fill.  Whether or not he has ever really filled them, I will leave up to you to decide.  What I will now leave it up to Starkwell and Lovelock to decide what to think of and say about Lamberto’s often revered “Demons” from 1985.  It was co-written by Dario Argento, among other names, and judging by the music playing over the opening credits, we are in for one hell of a nutty ride.

[...]

[Girl sees weird cyborg man following her.]

Lovelock: Man, James Cameron TOTALLY ripped this off for “The Terminator”.

Starkwell: Dude, this was made after, I think you have this backwards.

Lovelock: It’s not a tumor!

Starkwell: Now you even have the wrong movie…

Lovelock: You sonofa bitch.

[...]

[Girls skip class to go to MYSTERY MOVIE.]

Starkwell: Why would a pimp bring two of his ‘girls’ to see a movie at some weird avant-garde theatre?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but given that they are the only African-American characters, it’s a little sketchy.

[...]

Starkwell: The movie within the movie looks has better production value than the actual movie.

[...]

The characters all seemed pretty despicable, the worst being the woman accompanying her blind husband to the film, who then proceeds to make out with and be fingered by a guy sitting beside her while her blind husband listens to the movie and asks “What’s going on?  Are you scared?”  Lovelock and Starkwell both wondered “Wait, does she know the guy, or is he just a stranger?”  It takes a while to get to the point, but basically the hooker that put on the demon mask before the movie is going to become a demon and ‘spread pestilence’.  Starkwell started on about themes of prostitutes spreading disease, but he quickly shut up when Lovelock kicked him in the nuts and the hooker exploded into a pussy demon.  Wait, that can’t be the right word.  I mean that she is a demon that oozes puss from her wound and mouth, not that she is a vagina demon of some kind.

[...]

[Girl tears through movie screen as she becomes a demon, audience is horrified.]

Starkwell: And like that, we are shown that the movie, has indeed sprung to life, come off of the screen, and entered reality.  The evil that –

Lovelock: SHUT UP.

[Crotchety old guy is the first to go.]

Lovelock: And that’s why you should never shush people at the movies.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

[...]

Then there was a super cheesy metal song that started playing, and as all hell broke loose, Lovelock played air guitar and Starkwell played the air drums.  An underrated “air” instrument, he feels.

[...]

[All the characters start screaming that they need to STOP THE MOVIE.]

Starkwell: During most movies, that would be a great set-up for me to say something like “I know how they feel”, but I’d like to see this one through.

Lovelock: Can we talk about the bad over dubbing?

Starkwell: What is there to talk about?

Lovelock: Yeah, I guess I already said what needs to be said.  There's bad dubbing.

Starkwell: Why would they want to stop the movie?  If the movie is playing out in reality, wouldn’t they want to watch the movie to see if there’s a way to stop the evil?

Lovelock: That’s the kind of logic that escapes even the smartest of mobs.  This is definitely not the smartest of mobs.

[...]

They find a secret room hidden behind the walls and the women inexplicably go insane.  Then it cuts really quickly to them chilling out back in the theatre.  Then the worst punks ever, high off coke, beat up the two worst police officers ever and escape INTO the demon theatre.  Lovelock and Starkwell both laughed for several minutes.

[...]

[Teenage couple try to escape out of the air ducts.]

Starkwell: Why would she say “THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA”?

Lovelock: To emphasize to us, the viewer that it was, in fact, an awful idea.

Starkwell: Well, at least they’ll be dead soon.

[...]

[Kathy splits in half, super demon comes out.]

Lovelock: I think there needs to be a scene like that in every movie.

Starkwell: Yeah… not sure you can squeeze that into any movie.

Lovelock: Name one.

Starkwell: “City Slickers”.

Lovelock: Oh man, easy!  Palance is dead with his eyes open, he splits in half, super demon comes out and they spend the rest of the movie fighting demons instead of driving cattle.  Boom.  Done.  Norman escapes with his life.

Starkwell: I don’t know if audiences would have gone for that.

Lovelock: Great gobs of gooseshit!

[...]

[Slow motion shot of dude #1 chopping off dude #2’s head.]

Starkwell: Samurai swords and motorcycles?  Is it possible this movie just got more ridiculous?

Lovelock: Samurai swords and motorcycles?  Is it possible this movie just got more FUCKING AMAZING?

Starkwell: So the coked out punks served no real purpose?

Lovelock: Dude, they let blind guy demon out of the theatre.  I assume that means that the city is on fire by now.

Starkwell: Good call, let’s hope you’re right.

[...]

Starkwell: Lucky for her, the random guy that wanted a piece of her turned out to be good with swords and grappling hooks.

[...]

[Terminator face returns to kill them.]

Lovelock: So it’s Phantom of the Opera?

Starkwell: It’s fucking stupid is what it is.

[...]

Starkwell: So they’re not going to tell us Terminator’s connection to all of this?  And what ever happened to the Super Demon that exploded out of Kathy’s back?

Lovelock: Dude, it’s called Demons, not Explanations.

[...]

They left it open for a sequel, which we know exists.  So maybe some of Starkwell’s questions will be answered then.  But I hope he isn’t going to sit with that confused look on his face until then, because that could get annoying.

[...]

[TWIST ENDING MAIN GIRL IS A DEMON.]

Lovelock: Hooray, everyone dies except motorcycle samurai!

Starkwell: I hope the sequel is all him all the time.

[...]

I’m sure it isn’t.  But let’s keep their hopes up anyways.

Zombi 3.

A movie so good that it took THREE directors to complete it!  This started off as Fulci’s 1988 sequel to his own 1979 cinematic gem “Zombie Flesh Eaters”, but apparently took a wrong turn somewhere in Bruno Mattei town.  If you want the whole history, look it up.  I’m only interested in what Lovelock and Starkwell will have to say about the finished product.

[...]

[Scientists inject serum into corpse’s head.  Dead body revives, decomposes superfast. Screams.]

Lovelock: Well, a strong start.

Starkwell: Don’t start playing air guitar quite yet, this is probably just the Fulci portion.

[...]

[Scientists shot at, guards killed, top secret experimental drug stolen.]

Starkwell: I think that they spent the entire film’s budget on that helicopter.

Lovelock: It certainly wasn’t spent on good costumes, good actors or making it look real when people are shot.

[...]

[Sick Infected Thief runs to an island resort, hand is all decomposing, face gross.  He gets a room.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never stay at those all-inclusive places.  They give a room to anyone.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[The over dubbing is so bad, that it actually helps make the movie a comedic goldmine.  Their favorite so far was when the Room Service guy, when asked to bring Sick Guy some water, says to the Concierge “Again??!! What is this guy trying to get in the Guiness Book of World Records?!?!”.]

Lovelock: Yeah… for water drinking at a hotel.

[Guy cuts off own hand, blood flies everywhere.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I cut off a hand, I start with the tourniquet.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

[...]

[Outbreak takes over the hotel, and the crazy HASMAT suit commandoes fill the resort.  HASMAT commandoes find original Infected Guy.]

Starkwell: Why would he take his mask off?

Lovelock: So that they can all hear him scream “FOUND HIM!”

Starkwell: But it defeats the whole purpose of wearing the suit in the first place.

Lovelock: Oh, sure, if you’re worried about that sort of logic.

[...]

We’re introduced to a group of soldier boys, and a new winning line emerges when one says “I don’t remember her name, but I sure remember her tits!”  Starkwell and Lovelock repeated it a few times.  The film seems to be introducing an awful lot of characters, such as the young lovers in the convertible, the RV full of nerds and loose women, the soldier boys, the Radio DJ and of course, General Hard-On.

[...]

[Zombie birds… ATTACK!]

Lovelock: SO MUCH cooler than the CGI birds in that Resident Evil movie.

[...]

[RABID MACHETE ZOMBIE ATTACKS… AT THE GAS STATION.]

Starkwell: So, “Nightmare City” imitates “Zombi 2” and now “Zombi 3” imitates “Nightmare City”?

Lovelock: Not to mention “The Crazies”.  It’s like they say, ‘life imitates art’.

Starkwell: What does that have to do with anything?

Lovelock: You said ‘imitate’?

[...]

The dubbing just got worse and worse.  It started to look as though the actors were really struggling to get the English out, but then they just brought people in to over dub it all anyways.  Lovelock’s new favorite line: “I’m free too, in other words I don’t have a steady girl.”  I guess you had to be there.

[...]

Lovelock: Why do people walk so slowly when they’re scared?  Wouldn’t you want to move fast so nothing can catch you?

Starkwell: Especially in a zombie outbreak situation.

[Girl falls in water, guy pulls her out, she INSTANTANEOUSLY becomes a zombie, and her legs are missing, perhaps bitten off.]

Starkwell: Are we supposed to assume that there was a zombie shark?  The same from “Zombi 2”? In the resort swimming pool?

Lovelock: That’s why I never swim in hotel pools.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Anyways, I don’t think that was a swimming pool.

Starkwell: Whatever it was, it has some steamy water.

[...]

Lovelock is able to look past the horrifying plot holes and inconsistencies in the zombie behavior and cheer loudly at every turn.  Starkwell seems less able.

[...]

[Couple complains about how hungry they are and go to the kitchen to look for food.]

Starkwell: Who would be thinking about food at a time like this?!!?!

[Severed zombie head flies out of fridge, eats man.  Zombie rips girl’s face off.]

Lovelock: Answer – About to become dead people.

[...]

At one point Lovelock spent ten minutes or so repeating hilarious one liners of dialogue and doing jump kicks.  Starkwell was just looking at him disappointed muttering “this is sooo not jump kick worthy.”

[...]

[Scientists huddle around whiteboard full of ‘equations’.]

Starkwell: It looks like what a seven year old thinks scientists working on something would look like.

Lovelock: It looks like a connect-the-dots that doesn’t actually make anything.

Starkwell: Oh, it makes something... a bad movie.

[...]

Then the nerd guy got gunned down by the HASMAT crew and Lovelock jump kicked so hard he pulled a muscle.  The movie slowed down a bit after that, which gave him time to recover.  But then a zombie ripped a woman’s face off and pushed her into a pregnant zombie’s exploding womb and Lovelock pushed through the pain to perform a picture perfect roundhouse.  Starkwell wondered “why is there a full grown hand emerging from her vagina?  Was she giving birth to a zombie arm?”

[...]

Starkwell: Why are the zombies just standing there looking at them?  How could there be a perfectly intact and gassed up helicopter just sitting there? Why are there zombies hiding in the haystacks?  Are they ninjas? WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

Lovelock: You raise some valid questions.  Most can be answered by the following.

[Lovelock performs an impressive jump kick.  Sticks the landing.]

[...]

Then there was the worst twist ending ever.  It pushed Lovelock deeper into the I FUCKING LOVE IT column, and Starkwell further into the WHAT THE FUCK column.  Then there was a sick eighties song during the credits, and everyone agreed that it was TIME… TO… DANCE!

Bride of Re-Animator.

Good sequels are hard to come by.  Generally speaking when they are successful it is because all of the same people are involved.  This is not the case with Re-Animator.  Brian Yuzna takes the reigns and tries to steer the Herbert West party into a successful place.  Starkwell wasn’t a huge fan of the first one, but Lovelock thoroughly enjoyed it.  This should make for excellent conversation.  I still never got them to sit down and read the Lovecraft stories.

[...]

[West is alive? And friends with Cain?]

Starkwell: Wait, I thought West died...

Lovelock: Probably not.  I’m just happy the ol’ team is back together!

[...]

[West talking tough to his old mentor’s severed head.]

Starkwell: Now I remember why I hated Herbert West.

Lovelock: Now I remember why I loved Herbert West.

[...]

[Stop-motion finger-eyeball creature.]

Lovelock: Holy shit that’s creepy.

Starkwell: Why would Cain even still be living with West?

Lovelock: Well he did just say he was moving out… but I think it’s just a fight.  They’re BFFs forevah!

[...]

Doctor Hill’s severed head is revived by Doctor Idiot.  Starkwell and Lovelock were yelling at the TV.  I think that means they are into the movie.

[...]

[West and Cain steal corpse from morgue.  They put sunglasses on her so she won’t look dead.]

Lovelock: It was funny when they did it in "Weekend at Bernie’s".

Starkwell: It was?

Lovelock: No, I guess it wasn’t.

[...]

Starkwell: Cain’s got three women at the same time?  Can he let West have one?

Lovelock: Man, Herbert’s married to his research…  Don’t you know anything?

[...]

[West and Cain work on assembling a woman.]

Starkwell: Why is there smoke everywhere?

Lovelock: Man, all mad scientists equip their labs with smoke machines… Don’t you know anything?

[...]

Starkwell: Why is there a pot sitting over a fire in his lab?

Lovelock: Because he’s cooking pasta.  Scientists need to carbo-load… Don’t you know anything?

[Starkwell then punched Lovelock in the face.]

[...]

[Officer Zombie kills the puppy. West re-animates her dead dog, which of course freaks her out, and she runs away from Cain screaming.]

Lovelock: Herbert West Re-animator? More like Herbert West: Cockblock.

[...]

There was a shot of a woman looking through a window at Herbert, and Herbert slowly closed the blinds in her face.  For some reason, it made Starkwell laugh hysterically, and they ended up re-watching it about six times.  I think Starkwell is starting to warm up to Dr. West.

[...]

Starkwell: What the hell is Dr. Cain wearing?  That shirt looks eight sizes too big for him.  What is that a pirate shirt?

[...]

[Cain and West revive the assemblage of woman they put together.]

Starkwell: What, of ANYTHING that has happened over the course of two films, makes them think that this is going to work?  Or  good idea?

Lovelock: Science isn’t exact.  It’s more about wishing and hoping.  And if things don’t go right, fudge the data.

[...]

As the movie wrapped up, we see the disgusting finished product, and all Hell breaks loose, or should I say, West’s creations break loose, Starkwell and Lovelock sat repulsed, amazed, shocked and, I guess, pretty satisfied overall.  Bravo Mr. Yuzna.

Rabid.

David Cronenberg is a legend in the horror realm.  Also he is Canadian, so that’s cool too!  1977’s “Rabid” was one of his earlier film ventures, before “The Fly”, “Videodrome” or even “The Brood”.  Also it was filmed and takes place in Lovelock and Starkwell’s home city of Montreal, so you know that alone has them all worked up.  Get ready boys, horror awaits!  Executive producer Ivan Reitman?  Awesome.

[...]

[Motorcycle crash, bike explodes on girl.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t ride motorcycles.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.  Actually, yeah that probably is why.

Lovelock: Well that and the bugs in the face.

[...]

[The surgeons use an experimental RADIOACTIVE technique of skin graft.]

Lovelock: Something tells me that this radiation will not produce a Spiderman like hero.

Starkwell: Could that ‘something’ be that the film is called RABID?

[...]

The movie really portrays plastic surgeons as complete money grubbing assholes.  And people that get (needless) plastic surgery as total tools.  Starkwell comments that “this is seriously ahead of its time”.

[...]

[Marilyn Chambers stabs people with her super armpits.]

Lovelock: That’ll teach him to go straight for the boobies!

Starkwell: Yeah, they need romancing first.

[...]

[Impressive car crash.]

Starkwell: He pulled that off in the seventies on a shoestring budget… OTHER FILM MAKERS TAKE NOTE.

Lovelock: Did you see the zombie guy?  He looked awesome!  Green mouth froth!

[...]

[Doctor finds her weird armpit stinger that poisons people and turns them into blood sucking zombies.]

Lovelock: Part spider, part vagina, all disgusting.

Starkwell: So, in a way, it kind of did turn her into Spiderman.

Lovelock: In a way? It's basically a remake.

[...]

[As Chambers hitchhiked her way to the city, poisoning people along the way, the outbreak exploded!]

Lovelock: That’s why people don’t pick up hitchhikers anymore.

Starkwell: I don’t know if that’s specifically the reason.

Lovelock: What spider armpit poison girl?  That’s totally the reason.

Starkwell: I don’t know about that, but I do know that hearing a heavily accented Quebeccer explain the disease is fantastic.

Lovelock: “Don’t… euh… let anyone bit you…”  As if people need to be told.

Starkwell: Yeah, if not for this outbreak, go ahead, bite away and be bitten!

[...]

Lovelock: They serve popcorn at peep shows?  GROSS.

[...]

[Guy gets bit by rabid granny on metro (the Montreal Subway system).]

Lovelock: That’s why I hate public transportation.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Oh also, thanks to this film, we have just learned that in thirty-five years the Metro stations have not changed at all.

Starkwell: And apparently Santa’s helpers at the mall used to dress like pole dancers.

Lovelock: That should make a comeback, I think... but smoking being allowed in the malls… yeah that should stay gone.

[...]

The fact that the rabid zombies run around eating people is just further proof that Starkwell’s comment about this film being ahead of its time is true on many levels.  Then Dr. Murray came home to find his wife had eaten their baby, and it was truly horrifying.  Lovelock and Starkwell remained deadly quiet for a little while after seeing that.

[...]

Lovelock: Why do people push elevator buttons more than once?  Dumb.

[That broke the silence.]

[...]

When people talk about the greatest zombie films ever made, rarely does this one come up.  And that’s a shame.  Considering this came out in 1977, as Starkwell pointed out “it should be on everyone’s list”.  Then Lovelock nodded his head so hard that he got whiplash.

Zombie Self-Defense Force.

The same director that brought us “Stacy” decided to dive right back into the zombie genre ass first with “Zombie Self-Defense Force”.  After how much Lovelock and Starkwell hated his previous work, I won’t dwell anymore on introducing this film.  Here, we, go…

[...]

[Every Japanese stereotype you could think sees a UFO.]

Lovelock: I guess if it’s a Japanese person making the film, it’s not racist?

Starkwell: Whatever it is, it’s the cheapest computer effects I have ever seen.

Lovelock: It looks like a local mattress store commercial.

[...]

[Soldiers go to investigate.]

Starkwell: She looks like she can barely hold her head up while wearing that helmet, let alone be a combat soldier…

Lovelock: In Japan, women come first… wait is that how it goes?

[...]

As the outbreak starts, RIGHT AWAY, The gore effects are absolutely terrible, but Lovelock feels “somehow it gives it a certain charm… well, so far, anyways.”

[...]

Starkwell: Of course the underwear model survives.

Lovelock: I think she’s a pop singer.

Starkwell: Same difference.

[...]

As much as Starkwell wanted to hate the movie, he couldn’t help but appreciate that the movie doesn’t take itself seriously, and even pokes fun at itself, but in a somewhat intelligent way.  So far, so good.  It also seems to have respect for the material it intends to replicate and "honor".

[...]

[We think Girl Soldier might be a cyborg.]

Starkwell: So Aliens and Zombies weren’t enough?  We need to throw in man-made cyborgs?

Lovelock: Why settle for a burger when you can have a TWO burgers... and fries?

Starkwell: Increased potential for diarrhea, for starters.

[...]

[Pregnant zombie explodes, and then, zombie fetus.]

Starkwell : How could anyone have thought that puppet would work.

Lovelock: Are we watching the same thing?  This is incredible.

Starkwell: I think something is lost in translation.

Lovelock: But no one is talking…

Starkwell: No, I mean between me and you.

[...]

Then for a while, Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t have much to say.  The movie was pretty cookie cutter.  The characters were bunkered down in a house in the woods, zombies trying to get in.  It was all pretty fun.

[...]

[Soldier Girl is part machine – they revived her after a critical injury BIONICALLY.]

Lovelock: So basically she’s "Robocop".

Starkwell: If that helps you understand it.

[...]

[On the subject of why was she a cyborg?]

Starkwell: So basically they just wanted to make her kick ass, but needed an explanation, so they came up with cyborg.

Lovelock: There are aliens and zombies… you would think they would trust us to suspend our disbelief enough to allow her to kick ass without being a cyborg.

[On the subject of why there are UFOs crashing.]

Starkwell: So the UFOs crashing were a coincidence and had nothing to do with the zombies?

Lovelock: Well it appears that the world is ending.

Starkwell: Now I think there HAS to be something lost in translation.

Lovelock: It's pretty simple, basically she’s "Robocop".

[...]

The movie ends, and, in fact, the last ten minutes were the worst part of the movie.