Bong of the Dead.

At this point, when a “film” is actually called “Bong of the Dead”, I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to show it to Lovelock and Starkwell.  I know how this is going to end.  But my unwillingness to judge a book by its cover, and my ABSOLUTE willingness to torture Starkwell and Lovelock, allows me to believe that this is a good movie to force them to watch.

[...]

[Old dude works on his lawn gnome collection, meteor strikes gnomes.]

Starkwell: Wouldn’t the explosion be a little bigger, given that the meteor was that big?

Lovelock: More like “Wrong of the Dead”.

Starkwell: Not a bad joke, but there’s bound to be a better time to use it.  I suspect you thought of it when you heard the title, and were just too excited to hold it in... Weak.

[...]

[Meteor cracks open, old man smells slime that oozes out, turns into a zombie.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never smell ooze.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Hey, how about that bad overdubbing?  More like “Wrong of the Dead”. Eh?

Starkwell: Dude, be patient.

[...]

Then the old man bites his wife, and then the husband and wife sit on the couch, watching T.V. eating each others’ intestines.  A pretty decent start to a film, honestly, although the opening credits made Lovelock “want to punch something in the face lots.”  The director was obviously going for a comic book sort of a thing.  Did not work for Lovelock.  REALLY did not work for Starkwell.

[...]

[Introducing… stoners.]

Starkwell: Are we supposed to think they’re cool… or… ?

Lovelock: More like “Wrong of the Dead”, am I right?

Starkwell: Better, I guess.  But… still not there.

[...]

It’s pretty clear that the stoner guys are supposed to be “stupid”.  Ironically, stoned people would probably watch this and laugh.  Anyways, there’s this whole scene where the stoners use ground up zombie ooze brains to grow miracle weed in a matter of seconds.  It seems like they may be the only survivors?  Then there was a getting stoned montage, and EVENTUALLY the stoner dudes decide they need to go on a zombie killing mission, in order to get more weed fertilizer.  Starkwell leaves.

[...]

Lovelock: How much of this movie is going to be two dudes acting stoned to a shitty soundtrack?  Lots of it?  Oh, ok just checking.

[...]

Lovelock: Fart jokes?  Check.

[...]

Lovelock: Piss jokes? Check.

[...]

There was a fairly gross eye gauging sequence, that was enough to make Lovelock crack a little smile… but it takes more than fun gore to win him over.

[...]

[They meet the King Zombie.]

Lovelock: His name is Alex Montgomery the... Third?  That’s a bullshit name.

[The smart zombie, Alex Montgomery is… killed?]

Lovelock: Wait… is he the leader or… WHAT THE FUCK.

[...]

Shit makes no sense.  The overdubbing gets even worse as the movie goes forward.  They meet up with a girl.  She's all sexy and shit.  The girl character’s overdubbing is HORRENDOUS.  Lovelock said the movie was somehow managing to give him heartburn.  Then he said “fast forward, dude… I think I’m having a heart attack.”

[...]

Lovelock: Obviously they get drunk, stoned and half naked.  MORE LIKE WRONG OF THE DEAD.  Seriously, fuck you.

[...]

The girl was using a zombie on a treadmill to power her shower.  One decent idea hidden in a mountain of poopoo film making.  And now it becomes obvious that it was only done in order to show the girl naked..

[...]

[THEY MAKE FUN OF CANADIANS.]

Lovelock: Now THAT is “Wrong of the Dead”.

[There it is.]

[...]

Lovelock: Why would they need to have two topless zombies front and center?  Why would they be making out?

[...]

In an obvious nod to “Dead Alive”, they’ve equipped lawnmowers to the front of their car and proceed to mow down zombies.  Lovelock says he’s going to be sick.  Not from the gore, but from the mis-use of Peter Jackson’s magic.  Anyways, the girl, let's call her Tiny Shorts McTitsAndAss and the one surviving stoner guy chop up all the bodies and fertilize the ground, I guess to grow a bunch of weed.  With ten minutes of running time left, they get naked and go take a shower together and terrible funky music plays.  We see lots of naked kissing.  Also there’s a zombie smoking a joint.  Roll credits… for ten minutes?

[...]

Lovelock: In conclusion, “Wrong of the Dead”.

[...]

So, the film explained NOTHING.  Why was there a King Zombie, what caused it, who the fuck is Alex Montgomery Snickens the Third?  Seriously, "what the fuck" times a million?  And then, I shit you not, they set it up for a sequel featuring a cyborg Zombie King.  I wish I was making this up.  A sequel.  I think they’ve been smoking too much of their inspiration.

[...]

Lovelock: Two “Wrong of the Dead”s don’t make a right.  Actually, it makes it double wrong.  Forever.

[...]

As bad as they thought it would be given the title, it was worse.  Pure turd.

Zombi 3.

A movie so good that it took THREE directors to complete it!  This started off as Fulci’s 1988 sequel to his own 1979 cinematic gem “Zombie Flesh Eaters”, but apparently took a wrong turn somewhere in Bruno Mattei town.  If you want the whole history, look it up.  I’m only interested in what Lovelock and Starkwell will have to say about the finished product.

[...]

[Scientists inject serum into corpse’s head.  Dead body revives, decomposes superfast. Screams.]

Lovelock: Well, a strong start.

Starkwell: Don’t start playing air guitar quite yet, this is probably just the Fulci portion.

[...]

[Scientists shot at, guards killed, top secret experimental drug stolen.]

Starkwell: I think that they spent the entire film’s budget on that helicopter.

Lovelock: It certainly wasn’t spent on good costumes, good actors or making it look real when people are shot.

[...]

[Sick Infected Thief runs to an island resort, hand is all decomposing, face gross.  He gets a room.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never stay at those all-inclusive places.  They give a room to anyone.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[The over dubbing is so bad, that it actually helps make the movie a comedic goldmine.  Their favorite so far was when the Room Service guy, when asked to bring Sick Guy some water, says to the Concierge “Again??!! What is this guy trying to get in the Guiness Book of World Records?!?!”.]

Lovelock: Yeah… for water drinking at a hotel.

[Guy cuts off own hand, blood flies everywhere.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I cut off a hand, I start with the tourniquet.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

[...]

[Outbreak takes over the hotel, and the crazy HASMAT suit commandoes fill the resort.  HASMAT commandoes find original Infected Guy.]

Starkwell: Why would he take his mask off?

Lovelock: So that they can all hear him scream “FOUND HIM!”

Starkwell: But it defeats the whole purpose of wearing the suit in the first place.

Lovelock: Oh, sure, if you’re worried about that sort of logic.

[...]

We’re introduced to a group of soldier boys, and a new winning line emerges when one says “I don’t remember her name, but I sure remember her tits!”  Starkwell and Lovelock repeated it a few times.  The film seems to be introducing an awful lot of characters, such as the young lovers in the convertible, the RV full of nerds and loose women, the soldier boys, the Radio DJ and of course, General Hard-On.

[...]

[Zombie birds… ATTACK!]

Lovelock: SO MUCH cooler than the CGI birds in that Resident Evil movie.

[...]

[RABID MACHETE ZOMBIE ATTACKS… AT THE GAS STATION.]

Starkwell: So, “Nightmare City” imitates “Zombi 2” and now “Zombi 3” imitates “Nightmare City”?

Lovelock: Not to mention “The Crazies”.  It’s like they say, ‘life imitates art’.

Starkwell: What does that have to do with anything?

Lovelock: You said ‘imitate’?

[...]

The dubbing just got worse and worse.  It started to look as though the actors were really struggling to get the English out, but then they just brought people in to over dub it all anyways.  Lovelock’s new favorite line: “I’m free too, in other words I don’t have a steady girl.”  I guess you had to be there.

[...]

Lovelock: Why do people walk so slowly when they’re scared?  Wouldn’t you want to move fast so nothing can catch you?

Starkwell: Especially in a zombie outbreak situation.

[Girl falls in water, guy pulls her out, she INSTANTANEOUSLY becomes a zombie, and her legs are missing, perhaps bitten off.]

Starkwell: Are we supposed to assume that there was a zombie shark?  The same from “Zombi 2”? In the resort swimming pool?

Lovelock: That’s why I never swim in hotel pools.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Anyways, I don’t think that was a swimming pool.

Starkwell: Whatever it was, it has some steamy water.

[...]

Lovelock is able to look past the horrifying plot holes and inconsistencies in the zombie behavior and cheer loudly at every turn.  Starkwell seems less able.

[...]

[Couple complains about how hungry they are and go to the kitchen to look for food.]

Starkwell: Who would be thinking about food at a time like this?!!?!

[Severed zombie head flies out of fridge, eats man.  Zombie rips girl’s face off.]

Lovelock: Answer – About to become dead people.

[...]

At one point Lovelock spent ten minutes or so repeating hilarious one liners of dialogue and doing jump kicks.  Starkwell was just looking at him disappointed muttering “this is sooo not jump kick worthy.”

[...]

[Scientists huddle around whiteboard full of ‘equations’.]

Starkwell: It looks like what a seven year old thinks scientists working on something would look like.

Lovelock: It looks like a connect-the-dots that doesn’t actually make anything.

Starkwell: Oh, it makes something... a bad movie.

[...]

Then the nerd guy got gunned down by the HASMAT crew and Lovelock jump kicked so hard he pulled a muscle.  The movie slowed down a bit after that, which gave him time to recover.  But then a zombie ripped a woman’s face off and pushed her into a pregnant zombie’s exploding womb and Lovelock pushed through the pain to perform a picture perfect roundhouse.  Starkwell wondered “why is there a full grown hand emerging from her vagina?  Was she giving birth to a zombie arm?”

[...]

Starkwell: Why are the zombies just standing there looking at them?  How could there be a perfectly intact and gassed up helicopter just sitting there? Why are there zombies hiding in the haystacks?  Are they ninjas? WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

Lovelock: You raise some valid questions.  Most can be answered by the following.

[Lovelock performs an impressive jump kick.  Sticks the landing.]

[...]

Then there was the worst twist ending ever.  It pushed Lovelock deeper into the I FUCKING LOVE IT column, and Starkwell further into the WHAT THE FUCK column.  Then there was a sick eighties song during the credits, and everyone agreed that it was TIME… TO… DANCE!

Flight of the Living Dead.

Some movies are obviously made to try and cash in on growing trends and make a quick buck.  Think of all the vampire caca currently coming out of the woodwork.  Well somewhere midway through the last decade, the popularity of the zombie took off (and is currently cruising around a million feet, for better or for worse).  Well, this “Flight” film actually tried to cash in on two trends at the time.  The increase in zombie interest and the smash unexpected success of a movie about snakes on a plane, called, well, “Snakes on a Plane.”  “Outbreak on a Plane”?  For Pete’s sake… Thankfully this plane trend never really took off otherwise we’d have werewolves on a plane, maybe witches on a plane, and especially right now, vampires on a plane.  Although I’m not quite sure how they would protect themselves from the sun.  I should mention that this was another DVD I got at a bargain bin place in Quebec, so, it’s badly dubbed in French, with no English audio option.  

[...]

[Three flight attendants talk about partying and like, dudes.]

Starkwell: What airline would have three flight attendants that look that good?

Lovelock: Airlines in a film.

[...]

[Some sort of military guy in HASMAT gear watches a bin of some kind.]

Starkwell: What airline would have military experiments on board a regular passenger flight?

Lovelock: Airlines in this film.

[...]

The film seems to have a decent budget with semi-recognizable faces.  But Starkwell is having a lot of trouble getting past the incredibly predictable passenger list.  I believe at one point he said “of course there’s a convict handcuffed to a US Marshal.”  Lovelock shouted “that dude was in ‘No Escape’!”  Then they stopped watching for a while because they started talking about “Con Air” for some reason and imitating Cage’s HORRENDOUS southern accent from said film.

[...]

[Tiger Woods guy is in first class, wife complains about hearing about golf.]

Starkwell: If she doesn’t want to hear about golf, why would she marry a pro golfer.

Lovelock: Man, I can’t wait for her to be dead.

Starkwell: How did he get that golf club through security?

[...]

Then they went back to doing bad Nicolas Cage impersonations.  Oh also, there’s a Japanese businessman on board.  And a nun.  And horny teenagers.  And ROGUE PENTAGON SCIENTISTS.  But at least, as Lovelock said, “they don’t waste any time ‘cause I suspect the zombies is comin’!”  Then HASMAT guy sprays machine gun fire all over the cargo bay.  Starkwell rolls his eyes.  Lovelock then recognized an actor from a late eighties cop show called HARDBALL and spent several minutes trying to remember what the premise of the show was.  Consequently, they missed a whole bunch of movie.

[...]

[Still no zombies since that first one.]

Lovelock: I take back what I said… they are wasting a lot of time.

Starkwell: Yeah, I definitely feel like I’m wasting my time.

Lovelock: Hey, at least they are trying to make it about the characters…

Starkwell: Too bad the characters all suck.

[...]

The zombie action eventually picked up, and all the characters that we hate the most seem to die first.  So, at least the film does that right.

[...]

Lovelock: As long as they’re going to cast a pilot that looks exactly like the pilot from “Airplane!” couldn’t they have made him have funny dialogue?

Starkwell: Umm…

Lovelock: Do you like gladiator movies?

Starkwell: I can tell you that I don’t like this movie.

[...]

[Survivors make a bomb and explode the zombie nest.]

Starkwell: First of all, why would the zombies nest like that?  Second, how can you explode the inside of the plane and still be flying?  Third, who is flying the plane, since both pilots are dead?

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure the movie was written by drunken teenagers.  On napkins.

Starkwell: All I know is that I wish real planes were as durable as this one.  They just shot a missile at it, and it’s still kicking.  And yeah, of course the convict knows how to fly and land the plane, in the desert, on fire.

Lovelock: That’s like the first thing they teach you in prison.

[...]

This is cookie cutter zombie fare at its cookie cutterest.  Except, you know, on a plane.  The movie ended and Starkwell and Lovelock were all like [...] “what a pile of shit” [...]  "totally" [...].  I won’t lie, the bad dubbing enhances the viewing experience, but even this unintentional uniqueness can’t elevate this movie above the realm of predictability and stupidity wherein it lies.  Still… good for a laugh.  Salut.  A la prochaine.

Revenge of the Living Dead Girls.

An unofficial sequel to the Rollin “Masterpiece”, this one is directed by Pierre B. Reinhard, which, for all we know is another alias of the infamous French director.  After all, Zombie Lake wasn’t directed under his actual name.  No matter who the director is, the film certainly will turn out to be a challenge to sit through, and Lovelock and Starkwell are ready for the challenge.  Or a least, they think they are. The menu screen shows an option for an ‘alternate ending’, which we just may have to view later.  For now… PLAY MOVIE!

[...]

[Trucker picks up injured girl, motorcycle follows.]

Starkwell: She’s pretty trusting to just follow a trucker into an abandoned old tower of some kind.

Lovelock: Shhhhh… apparently rubbing her upper thigh is helping... helping her injuries.

Starkwell: Oh brother…

[...]

As the plot began SLOWLY developing, and it turns out that the poisoned milk is making women die, Starkwell and Lovelock spent several minutes trying to decide of the film was originally filmed in French or not.  Either way, they agree that the overdubbing is hilarious, the acting is atrocious, and the mood is lightly pornographic.

[...]

[Captain Motorcycle disposes of The Company’s toxic waste in the ‘middle of nowhere’.]

Starkwell: So, apparently the middle of nowhere is directly on top of the recently deceased’s graves?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.

Starkwell: So it just happens to be the three that died from tainted milk?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.

[...]

So basically there’s a dude that went and had sex with the woman that the living dead girls had just killed with a heel to the eye, but he never realized that she was dead, until THE NEXT DAY, when the Evil Secretary told him that she was dead, as she tried to get the sexy sex out of him.  He doesn't even seem disturbed that he had sex with a corpse last night, and then left... the corpse.  I guess he doesn’t mind when the girls don’t say anything, or move at all.  A little while later, the living dead girls bit a guy’s penis off, to which Starkwell said something along the lines of “Oh fuck off” and left the room.  Lovelock stayed mostly quiet for the rest of the film.

[...]

Lovelock: It must be nice to have such smooth and perfect hand when your face is all decayed and rotten.  Actually, the decaying face part of it probably isn’t very nice at all, granted it would make the hands appear even smoother.

[...]

Then the Chemist was referring to the chemical burn on his hand, and holding his hand up and there was CLEARLY no burn on his hand.  Apparently they didn’t bother with the makeup.  Then the Chemist tried to explain what was going on, and NOTHING ADDS UP.  Ordinarily movies have the occasional continuity issue, like a drink changing hands, or a button being done, then undone.  But this film's continuity errors are so in your face, it almost makes it awesome.  Almost.   Lovelock started laughing, and I’m pretty sure he kept laughing until the awkward lesbian scene (that ended with sword-into-the-vagina death) silenced him.  Then during the horrifying INSTANT miscarriage in the shower scene, Lovelock decided he was done with this movie and walked out.  I think he was still watching from the other room though, because he came back in when Captain Motorcycle was TOXIC WASTED.  Then the movie ended all of a sudden and Lovelock let out an awkward laugh.

Children of the Living Dead.

It “stars” Tom Savini and is directed by a guy named Tor Ramsey.  There is a definite connection to the original “Night”, given that John Russo produced it, and I think it even stars children of some of the people involved with the Romero works.  So how bad can 2001’s straight-to-video “Children of the Living Dead” really be?  I’ll tell who is about to find out.  Lovelock and Starkwell.  Wait until they hear that Savini is only in the first five minutes.  I read an interview with Savini wherein he called this movie a “piece of shit”.  It’s with that glowing stamp of approval in mind that I proudly present this DVD, bought at a DVD outlet store for two dollars, to Lovelock and Starkwell.

I should probably mention that the DVD is from Quebec, and somehow lacks the English audio track.  So, we will be viewing this one dubbed into French.  Honestly, it probably helps the film, just by adding a level of unintentional hilarity that these film makers are likely incapable of.

[...]

[Helicopter gunman mows down a bunch of Zombies.  Savini takes down a bunch.  Then he explores a farmhouse and explains that zombies don’t attack children.]

Lovelock: ACTION PACKED THRILL RIiiiiIIIIiiiiIDE!!!

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t they attack children?  This is dumb.

Lovelock: If it maintains this level of action, I may be willing to forgive it.

[Savini flips out and then dies in the slowest moving zombie attack ever committed to DIRECT-TO-VIDEO.]

Lovelock: I think the bad dubbing helps cover up the bad acting.

Starkwell: I think I’m going to have a lot of trouble making it to the end of this one.

[...]

[Lame “college aged” kids drive drunk… 14 years later.]

Starkwell: Funny… it feels like fourteen years have gone by since the movie started.

[The lamest looking zombie EVER jumps / dances / sachets out into the road.  The bus flies off a cliff.]

Lovelock: Best scene ever.

Starkwell: Honestly, if they rolled credits now, they could totally save this movie.

[...]

[At the funeral for the “kids”.]

Lovelock: See, that’s why having a name like ‘Candi’ is weird to me, because at the funeral, they say “we will miss you… Candi…” and it just doesn’t sound sincere.  It sounds more like a stripper's going away party.

Starkwell: "We will miss you, Candi... good luck at community college next year."

Lovelock: Exactly.

[...]

Sometime after that, the Lame Super Zombie goes around biting into ALREADY DEAD PEOPLE and making them rise up out of their coffins.  Starkwell is putting his shoes on, very ready to leave TOP SPEED.  At least if that happened, something would be moving fast.  Eventually after another twenty minutes Lovelock was fast asleep and Starkwell was long gone.

[...]

[Nothing happens… dubbed in French.]

Lovelock: ZzZZZzzzzzzz….

[...]

The movie eventually ended and restarted without waking Lovelock up.  

[...]

[Lovelock wakes up, ten minutes into the film, the second time it started playing.]

Lovelock: Woah, I must have been asleep.  I had a nightmare about the worst movie that I have EVER SEEN and…

[Lovelock notices the movie playing.]

Lovelock: What the...?? NOOOOOoooOO!!!!  IT’S A MAD HOUSE!!!

[Lovelock runs away crying.]

[...]

Let’s just say Tom Savini was being kind in that interview.  The French dubbing helped elevate it to a somewhat surreal level, but a surreal and shit level, nonetheless.