Zombie Holocaust.

This DVD doesn’t even have a menu.  When I put it in for Starkwell and Lovelock to watch it just automatically stopped after the FBI Warning.  Maybe it was a sign to abort the mission, but for some reason, I pressed play again.  This is going to be a rough one.  Lovleock asked “It’s 1980, and Ian McCulloch is in it… how bad can it be?”  Just wait, Lovelock.  Just wait.

[...]

[Girl strips.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, who matches their furniture with their lampshade, bedspread and wallpaper?

Lovelock: The same women that walk around in a bra and panties while tending to their fridge full of raw meat.

[...]

[Hospital worker tries to take a bite out of a dead guy’s heart, gets caught, jumps out window.]

Lovelock: I don’t think that’s what those people had in mind when they donated their bodies to science.

Starkwell: The arm flew off the dummy when it hit the ground, and yet, when they showed the dead character after, his arm was still attached.

Lovelock: Dude, mannequins aren’t cheap.  That was the best take they had.

[...]

For a while, Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t really paying any attention.  They perked up a little when McCulloch was on screen, but mostly they were amazed at the amount of random shots there were of New York City.  At one point, Starkwell blurted out, “yeah, we get it, you’re in New York.”  Soon, the director upgraded to STOCK FOOTAGE of a random tropical island, which could have been lifted from any other number of zombie movies from the era.  Lovelock noticed that their car changed from one shot to the other.

[...]

[Naked Girl finds Maggoty Head in her bed.]

Lovelock: That’s why you should always wear pants to bed.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[Cannibal Tribe randomly show up and eat kid.]

Starkwell: They’re standing right next to them, why would McCulloch need those enormous binoculars?

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the reporter girl’s camera keeps changing colors.

Starkwell: Not bad.

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the hardcore Black dude wears a pink scarf and carries a machete ALL THE TIME.

Starkwell: Better.

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the Cannibals use shiny red silk ribbons to lasso people in for the kill/eat.

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[...]

The excessive gore doesn’t seem to be enough to win even Lovelock over.  Somewhere well past the halfway point, we eventually see some zombies.  They just sort of stand there looking gross.  Still no sign of a holocaust.  Still no sign of a plot.

[...]

[They all sit around drinking cans of soda pop.]

Starkwell: Where did they get the soda?  And is that a box of ‘Special K’ in the bag?

[...]

[BOAT MOTOR CHARGED INTO ZOMBIFACE.]

Lovelock: I think we definitely just hit the film’s high point.

Starkwell: They should have just ended it right after motor-kill.

Lovelock: From now on, whenever someone runs a boat’s motor into someone’s face, we’ll say that they got McCulloched.

Starkwell: Probably won’t come up that often, especially since we’ll never watch this one again.

[...]

Reporter girl became a zombie with bad teeth, but then they ripped her scalp off, and suddenly she was on the Doctor’s autopsy table wearing a bloody bald cap and her teeth and face were back to normal.  Starkwell gave up and went to bed.  Lovelock kept watching, hoping that McCulloch would find another working motor on an abandoned boat.  He never did.  The Blonde girl did get naked, though.  Again.

[...]

[Blonde girl’s naked body gets flowers painted on it.]

Lovelock: It looks just like her wallpaper from the beginning.  I think that must mean something.

Starkwell: It means this movie sucks.

Lovelock: I thought you went to bed.

Starkwell: I wanted to make sure that you threw the movie out the window after it’s over.

[...]

The movie ends, and they weren’t really sure what happened.  Well, at least the blonde girl found some clothes.

Children of the Living Dead.

It “stars” Tom Savini and is directed by a guy named Tor Ramsey.  There is a definite connection to the original “Night”, given that John Russo produced it, and I think it even stars children of some of the people involved with the Romero works.  So how bad can 2001’s straight-to-video “Children of the Living Dead” really be?  I’ll tell who is about to find out.  Lovelock and Starkwell.  Wait until they hear that Savini is only in the first five minutes.  I read an interview with Savini wherein he called this movie a “piece of shit”.  It’s with that glowing stamp of approval in mind that I proudly present this DVD, bought at a DVD outlet store for two dollars, to Lovelock and Starkwell.

I should probably mention that the DVD is from Quebec, and somehow lacks the English audio track.  So, we will be viewing this one dubbed into French.  Honestly, it probably helps the film, just by adding a level of unintentional hilarity that these film makers are likely incapable of.

[...]

[Helicopter gunman mows down a bunch of Zombies.  Savini takes down a bunch.  Then he explores a farmhouse and explains that zombies don’t attack children.]

Lovelock: ACTION PACKED THRILL RIiiiiIIIIiiiiIDE!!!

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t they attack children?  This is dumb.

Lovelock: If it maintains this level of action, I may be willing to forgive it.

[Savini flips out and then dies in the slowest moving zombie attack ever committed to DIRECT-TO-VIDEO.]

Lovelock: I think the bad dubbing helps cover up the bad acting.

Starkwell: I think I’m going to have a lot of trouble making it to the end of this one.

[...]

[Lame “college aged” kids drive drunk… 14 years later.]

Starkwell: Funny… it feels like fourteen years have gone by since the movie started.

[The lamest looking zombie EVER jumps / dances / sachets out into the road.  The bus flies off a cliff.]

Lovelock: Best scene ever.

Starkwell: Honestly, if they rolled credits now, they could totally save this movie.

[...]

[At the funeral for the “kids”.]

Lovelock: See, that’s why having a name like ‘Candi’ is weird to me, because at the funeral, they say “we will miss you… Candi…” and it just doesn’t sound sincere.  It sounds more like a stripper's going away party.

Starkwell: "We will miss you, Candi... good luck at community college next year."

Lovelock: Exactly.

[...]

Sometime after that, the Lame Super Zombie goes around biting into ALREADY DEAD PEOPLE and making them rise up out of their coffins.  Starkwell is putting his shoes on, very ready to leave TOP SPEED.  At least if that happened, something would be moving fast.  Eventually after another twenty minutes Lovelock was fast asleep and Starkwell was long gone.

[...]

[Nothing happens… dubbed in French.]

Lovelock: ZzZZZzzzzzzz….

[...]

The movie eventually ended and restarted without waking Lovelock up.  

[...]

[Lovelock wakes up, ten minutes into the film, the second time it started playing.]

Lovelock: Woah, I must have been asleep.  I had a nightmare about the worst movie that I have EVER SEEN and…

[Lovelock notices the movie playing.]

Lovelock: What the...?? NOOOOOoooOO!!!!  IT’S A MAD HOUSE!!!

[Lovelock runs away crying.]

[...]

Let’s just say Tom Savini was being kind in that interview.  The French dubbing helped elevate it to a somewhat surreal level, but a surreal and shit level, nonetheless.

Pet Sematary.

Stephen King really pisses me off.  How can anyone just come up with so many damn stories?  Amidst all of his best selling books, he also wrote screenplays.  Some originals, some based off his books.  He even got to collaborate with Romero!  Anyways, I’m pretty sure this one is about cats.  And it was directed by the woman that directed Madonna’s “Like a Virgin”, so you know it should be pretty scary.  Lovelock hopes I’m joking about the whole ‘it’s about cats’ thing.  We’ll see.

[...]

[Introducing the family, and their new New England home. Tire swing breaks, girl falls.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never swing on tire swings.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: Isn’t that the 'girls have a penis boys have a vagina' kid from "Kindergarten Cop"?

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure you’ve got that backwards.

Lovelock: I'm pretty sure you're backwards.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: IT’S NOT A TUMOR.

[...]

They eventually got into a deep discussion as to why they would be so trusting of a random old crotchety dude from across the street, also, why they had to make the little girl so unbelievably annoying.  I think they repeated the line “LOOK DADDY THIS ONE’S A GOLD FISHY” about twenty times.  Considering how much he didn’t want this to be about cats, Lovelock certainly kept mentioning how cute the cat is.

[...]

[Girl says “yay”.]

Starkwell: No one should ever say ‘yay’ that loudly.

Lovelock: The last person who did was probably thrown out of a window.

[...]

Sometime after this, things started to pick up a little in the scary department and there was a fairly creepy "dream / or was it a dream?" sequence.  Starkwell and Lovelock went quiet.

[...]

[Cat is dead, hit by truck.]

Lovelock: That’s why cats should stay indoors.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: Oh, actually, yeah, that is why.

[...]

Both Starkwell and Lovelock laughed out loud for several minutes when the Old Man Jud and Doctor Louis heard a horrible haunting scream of some kind in the forest on their hike, and Old Man says “Just a Loon, that’s all”, and the Doctor buys it.  Way too much trust is being put into the creepy Old Man Jud.

[...]

[Zombie Cat.]

Lovelock: Much cuter than I would expect a zombie cat to look.

Starkwell: If a truck actually hit that cat, I think it would have exploded.

[...]

[Flashback to Wife Lady and her monster sister Zelda.]

Starkwell: Well, I’m not eating supper tonight.

Lovelock: Just tonight?  I think that ruined my week.

[...]

[Kid dies by truck.  At the funeral Father in Law punches Doctor Louis, coffin falls over.]

Starkwell: I would straight up kill the Father-in-Law.

Lovelock: I don’t know, he has a point, who the hell was watching the kid?

Starkwell: Dude…

Lovelock: Anyways, how could there be anything in the coffin?  Wouldn’t the kid have blown up when that truck hit him?

Starkwell: Dude!?!

Lovelock: Man, that’s what you said about the cat.

[...]

I lost track of what they were saying, because Old Man Jud started telling the story of Timmy Baterman and Lovelock started making jokes about Timmy Baterman could have a butler who would have to call him Master Baterman.

[...]

[Daughter tells Wife Lady about her PAX COW dream.]

Starkwell: So, she hears 'Pax Cow' and figures out everything?

Lovelock: Meanwhile the Doctor Stupid brings his surprisingly intact dead child to the MicMac burial ground… AGAINST ALL WARNINGS.

[...]

Wife Lady passed a neon lobster sign and spent the next five minutes talking about Maine lobster.  Meanwhile “boys have a penis” kid comes back and starts tearing the place up, much to everyone’s delight.  When he offs Old Man Jud, Lovelock readily admit that he “totally breaks my unwritten rule that zombie children can’t be cool.”

[...]

[Wife Lady sees Zelda.]

Starkwell: Please… no more of the disgusting sickly tranny sister from the past…

Lovelock: Seriously… Oh wait, it’s just Zombie Kid… SCALPELLED!

[...]

Doctor Moron grabbed the cat and injected him with something, and it is clear that it’s a real cat that they hopefully just tranquilized.  After finding, killing and burning his psychotic super powered evil zombie kid, he decides that it’s STILL a good idea to bury his wife in the MicMac Paddywhack, thus making him one of the dumbest characters ever.  Depressing ending, roll credits, Starkwell and Lovelock agree, great movie, if you really want to feel like shit.  Thanks a lot, Stephen King. 

[...]

Lovelock: Ew!  He totally slipped her the tongue and got eyeball puss all in his mouth.

Zombies of Mass Destruction.

“Zombies of Mass Destruction” might be the dumbest movie title that I have heard in a long time.  On top of that, the box for this 2009 zombie entry displays a quote that makes a comparison to “Shaun of the Dead”, which only raises the bar much higher than this film can likely go.  Luckily, Lovelock and Starkwell never judge books by their covers, and sit patiently waiting for me to play the damn movie.

[...]

[Blind guy pokes a beached zombie and gets eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never poke things with my blind guy walking stick.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

As the not-so-subtle political agenda of the film unfolds in a rather 'in your face' fashion, Starkwell can’t help but notice the above average quality of the dialogue and acting.  Lovelock is just writing down a list of characters he can’t wait to see get killed.  It’s already a fairly long list.

[...]

[Tom’s Mom was bitten earlier that day.]

Starkwell: Well, don’t get too attached to the mom…

Lovelock: Thankfully!  She was definitely already on my short list.

[...]

Lovelock was about to write ‘Singer-Songwriter Boyfriend Guy named Derek’ on his list a SECOND time, but then he was eaten REAL HARD and Lovelock’s list burst into confetti.

[...]

[Mom’s eyeball pops out and she eats it.]

Starkwell: That eyeball gag felt a bit forced.

Lovelock: 'Forced eyeball gag' trumps 'no eyeball gag'.  Film one, Starkwell zero.

[...]

[White Trash Dad interrogates and tortures Iranian-American Frida because he thinks she is a terrorist.]

Starkwell: Wait… he’s originally from Canada?

Lovelock: That a Canadian would behave like that might be the most unrealistic part of this movie so far.

[...]

Zombie mayhem continued and our heroes (the gay couple) end up stuck in the church with nutty people.  Pastor Crazybrain gives a sermon to a few crusty old people on how liberal pro-choice homos brought on Judgement Day.  Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or ask for fast forward to be pressed.  Somewhere in between Tom and Lance escaping the Church’s De-Gaying machine, Mayor Zombie eating Pastor Crazybrain and the Pacifist Teacher Lady becoming trigger happy, I distinctly heard Starkwell ask “are we there yet?”

[...]

[National Guard comes, quarantine ends, life is normal again.]

Starkwell: That is the worst looking soldier I’ve ever seen.  Why did they put “29 Weeks Later”?

Lovelock: I know.  It kind of makes the whole movie feel like a Weird Al song.

Starkwell: The villagers aren't really making a very big deal out of the fact that it’s all over and done…

Lovelock: Oh, I don’t know, I mean, they made t-shirts…

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock found this movie to be perfectly adequate.  That is all.  Better than most, much worse than lots, fairly okay in general.

Messiah of Evil.

Not much for me to say about this except that the writer/director husband/wife team of Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz went on to write “American Graffiti”, “Best Defense”, “Temple of Doom” and “Howard the Duck”.  While Lovelock is already wondering whether or not this film will also have featured duck boobies, Starkwell is intrigued by the eclectic omelet of seemingly capable writing that the couple has done, and looks forward to this early egg.  All thanks to Mill Creek’s never ending supply of 50 in 1 movie packs!

[...]

[Opening scene is totally confusing, and with horrifying music.]

Starkwell: Do you think the music is meant to scare us?

Lovelock: What is that guy shooting at?

Starkwell: Why isn’t she scared?

Lovelock: Is that the screaming girl from the hallway?

[...]

I had to stop writing down the conversation at this point, because hey just kept asking questions to which there were no clear answers.

[...]

[Gas Station attendant dies.]

Starkwell: Wait, what happened?

Lovelock: It looks like the lights went out and he tripped and fell into some red paint.

[...]

After that brief interlude of implied carnage and bright red blood, they resumed asking questions incessantly.  Here are some that stuck out.

[...]

Starkwell: Who stuffs their dog?

[...]

Lovelock: Was that old lady slipping that guy some skin?

[...]

Starkwell: Does she always wear the same thing, or is this the same day?

Lovelock: Maybe she's a super hero?

Starkwell: What's her super power?

Lovelock: Makes any scene boring.

[...]

Lovelock: What exactly is she rubbing on them ol’ boobies?

[...]

The more the questions started piling up, the more the film started to creep them out… in a way.  There’s something eerie about anything that raises this many questions.  They then started to think, nay worry, that the awkward cuts and nonsensical plot development were actually part of some sort of deliberate game, meant to mess with their heads.  They continued to ask questions, but they began to take on a much more sinister and paranoid tone.

[...]

[Main Character lets Tom and the Naked Harem stay at her father’s insane arty boathouse thing.]

Starkwell: Why would she just let them stay there?

Lovelock: Why would she stay there?

Starkwell: 'Messiah of Evil', what are you doing to us?!?!??!

[...]

Then there was the most ridiculously awkward “seduction” scene, where Peeping Tom hugs the main character while she wears a flesh tone outfit.  Numerous times, both Starkwell and Lovelock made comments about how the music never makes any sense, and mostly just makes them feel uncomfortable and stressed.  Then Starkwell wondered if that was the point, and Lovelock’s mind was blown.

[...]

[Creepy Albino guy eats a rat.]

Starkwell: Seems like a logical choice.

Lovelock: Do you mean for the Albino character, or for the progression of the story?

Starkwell: Both.  Also, neither.

[...]

Then there was a grocery store scene that involved a mob of zombies, a girl being eaten, and, well, jazz fusion.  It ended abruptly and cut to, as usual with this fucking movie, a shot of the ocean.  The movie started to get weirder, and make even less sense, and I believe Lovelock said “I’m FREAKING OUT, MAN!!!!!!” and ran out of the room.  He ran back in when he heard Starkwell say “Nice hat!” out loud.  He ran back out again when the main character's monologues started up again.

[...]

[Girl goes to the movies, theatre slowly fills up with zombies.]

Starkwell: I kind of wish we were watching the Western that she is watching.

Lovelock: Aw, just fucking eat her already!

Starkwell: You’re back?

Lovelock: Hooray!  They ate her!

Starkwell: Wait, did they eat her, or did she just get ketchup on her hand?

Lovelock: The screaming face shots suggest death, but the background music screams interpretive dance.

[...]

Then the movie got even weirder, and more incoherent, and Starkwell and Lovelock both looked legitimately terrified.  I don’t know if they are scared of the film’s content, or just the film itself.  It’s a subtle distinction, but an important one.  When I asked them which it was, they just told me that I wouldn’t understand and to make it stop.  Then there was a cowboy flashback scene narrated by the girl’s zombie father, and Lovelock started crying.  Zombie Father then tried to eat his Daughter and Starkwell closed his eyes and covered his ears.  But, this was mostly because the soundtrack was about as irritating as sandpaper to the testicles.

[...]

Starkwell: What part did you hate the most?

Lovelock: When she threw up bugs and lizards… you?

Starkwell: Oh good one… I’d say Homeless Guy Monologue scene.

[...]

The movie ended and, believe it or not, it got even more nonsensical.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock just sat there, passionately hating this movie.  In a way, this movie is amazing, surreal, inventive and ahead of it’s time.  In another more accurate way, it’s a complete turd.  Flush.

Dead Snow.

It’s not often that I get the chance to have a look at what Norwegian horror cinema is all about.  So, given the opportunity to show 2009’s “Dead Snow” to Lovelock and Starkwell, needless to say, I jumped at the aforementioned opportunity.  Along with “Outpost”, this is one of the fewer recent Nazi Zombie movies that I can think of, and promises to be a lot of fun, even if Lovelock is already complaining about the subtitles, before we’ve even hit play.

[...]

[Girl runs through snowy woods, away from some kind of monster.]

Starkwell: It’s been a while since I’ve seen a good Day for Night shot.

Lovelock: Shhhh… The Nazis are trying to have a meal.

[...]

There was a scene where the characters were talking about horror films, which sparked a debate between Starkwell and Lovelock about whether or not it is okay to directly reference films inside a film.  I honestly don’t know who won, or who was on which side, but at one point someone said that “the minute you reference something, you open yourself up to comparison and that can barely ever be good for you.”

[...]

[Blondie sees something in the woods, creepy old guy tells them Nazi story.]

Lovelock: [nervous fart…………]

Starkwell: This film manages to mix together so many terrifying things.  Night time, the woods, snow and cold, Nazis, zombies and all set in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Even the language sounds creepy.

Lovelock: Seriously, it sounds like a backwards record.  That’s how monsters sound in my nightmares.

[...]

[Guys race down hill on a GT Snow Racer.]

Lovelock: I hated the GT Snow Racer kids.  Where’s the challenge when you can steer like that?

Starkwell: Tobogganing is supposed to be a challenge?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand. 

[...]

[Guy follows footprints and falls into a pit.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I see bloody footprints leading away from a dead body, I don’t follow them.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. 

[...]

[Girl follows Fat Dude into the outhouse and screws him.]

Starkwell: He just finished wiping his ass and she hops on for a ride?

Lovelock: I feel nauseous.

[After the hump, she falls into the shit hole.  Lovelock pukes.]

[...]

Then the horror action picked up at top speed.  I think at one point after Fat Dude’s head was ripped in half, Lovelock said “That’s what I’m talking about!” Once the Nazi Zombies started making their fully lit daytime appearances, and the characters began squaring off with them, there was little for Starkwell and Lovelock to do except sit and marvel at the impressively horrifying Nazi zombies, the massive amounts of gore, and the remarkably effective use of color.

[...]

Starkwell: Something else scary to add to the list… buried alive.

[...]

[Montage of zombie kills.]

Starkwell: Interesting musical choice.

Lovelock: Maybe this is the Norwegian version of “Takin’ Care of Business”.

[...]

Do they reference famous films? Yes.  Is it worthy to make those references? Absolutely it is.  I feel like people will reference this movie in twenty years.  Lovelock and Starkwell have both agreed that the Nazi Zombie genre is alive and well, at least for the length of this glorious film.  Also, when the ending credits started, I think that Lovelock’s head full exploded.

Return of the Living Dead.

John Russo who was behind the original Night of the Living Dead, along with Romero obviously, apparently had the right to use the “living dead” moniker however he saw fit.  In 1985, he decided to use said moniker in his story turned movie “Return of the Living Dead”.  Dan O’Bannon, yes THE Dan O’Bannon, was brought in to write the script and direct, and the result was a horror comedy the likes of which had never been seen!  And now it’s time for Starkwell and Lovelock to see it!  NOW!!!!!

[...]

[Film says the film is based on true events.]

Lovelock: Wow.  The ‘80s really were a magical time.

[...]

It is evident right away that the Dan O’Bannon magic is in full effect, and that the acting is top notch.  Lovelock was so excited he let out an accidental fart.

[...]

[Old Guy slams Trioxin container and it leaks.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never slap the side of Conspiracy Containers.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. ... Wait, what's a Conspiracy Container.

Lovelock: A barrel full of secret stuff and mystery that the government wants to hide... duh.

[...]

The movie is full of hilariously over the top army people, 1980s style anarchy goth punks, and synth music.  Then dead things started coming to life and Starkwell and Lovelock sat at the edge of their seat, smiling and laughing, thoroughly engaged.

[...]

[Punk girl strips.]

Starkwell: Why would she strip?

Lovelock: To stick it to the man?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: So that the movie could feature boobies?

Starkwell: Bingo.

Lovelock: Even Dan O’Bannon can't escape the '80s gratuitous booby movement.

[...]

After the frantic and funny fight with the first zombie, Starkwell agreed to forgive O’Bannon for the gratuitous female nudity.  The zombie was running, which, at the time must have been pretty original, and sacrilegious, for any Romero purists.  Starkwell and Lovelock don’t seem to have any problem with it.

[...]

[Embalmer pulls out a pistol.]

Starkwell: Why would the guy working at the mortuary have a gun?

Lovelock: Apparently, one reason would be to kill rabid weasels out in the parking lot.

[...]

[Toxic rain covers the graveyard, punks flee the scene.]

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t she take her clothes?

Lovelock: So that they can continue to show her boobies.

Starkwell: Yeah, I’m mad at O’Bannon again.

[She eventually covers her top partially, but continues to parade around with no pants.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: I feel like wearing a top with not bottom only accentuates the bottom's nudity.

Starkwell: ...

[...]

[TARMAN makes his appearance.]

Starkwell: Holy shit that’s an impressive make up job.

Lovelock: Shut up RIGHT NOW, until I tell you it’s ok to speak again.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were quiet for a while as the story progressed into a frenzy of fast moving zombies and a motley crew of panicky people stuck in a mortuary.

[...]

[Zombies can talk, apparently, and use the ambulance radio to communicate with dispatch.]

Starkwell: I’m not sure how I feel about that…

Lovelock: I don’t remember saying that you could talk yet.

[...]

There was a scene where two paramedics show up and get swarmed INSTANTANEOUSLY.  They made me rewind it five or six times.  In fact, there were so many amazing shots that they wanted to re-watch that I had to hide the remote, or it would have taken three hours to get through this thing.

[...]

[Naked girl returns as a zombie.]

Starkwell: Fucking COME ON.  There is no reason for her to be naked.

Lovelock: Dude, we’ve been over this.  It is for the inclusion of film boobies.

[...]

The rest of the movie moves fast.  It succeeds on every level.  When it wants to be funny, it’s funny.  When it tries to scare, it delivers.  When it wants to gross out, it does so magnificently well.  Starkwell actually admit to liking the characters.  Well, except the naked girl.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock want to watch the many sequels that this film spawned.  I guess I will let them find out for themselves that none of the follow-ups come anywhere close to this film’s quality and charm.  Sure, we could have done without the gratuitous boobs, but if that’s the movie’s one major flaw, we’re doing just fine.

I Am Legend.

Unless you count the mockbuster “I Am Omega”, then 2007’s “I Am Legend” is the third and most recent adaptation of the Richard Matheson novel.  This one stars the Fresh Prince and was directed by the director of Britney Spears’ “Slave 4 U” and J. Lo’s “Waiting for Tonight”.  So OBVIOUSLY I’m expecting that Lovelock and Starkwell will like it as much as they did the Vincent Price version from the ‘60s.

[...]

[Three years after the cure for cancer is found, NYC is a deserted wasteland.]

Lovelock: Man, they cured cancer, AND got rid of traffic?

Starkwell: No, dude, I think that humanity was wiped out by some kind of plague.

Lovelock: Fair enough, but it still means no traffic.

[...]

[Neville waits for survivors, plays golf off of an aircraft carrier.]

Lovelock: Doesn’t seem like such a bad life.

Starkwell: He’s completely alone, all the time.

Lovelock: What about that cute girl in the video store?

Starkwell: The mannequin?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

[Puppy runs into building, Neville has to go in after him, and sees monsters.]

Lovelock: That’s why they have leash laws.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

The infected seem to be SUPER RABID EXTREME TO THE MAX, also entirely computer animated, which kind of, well, sucks.  Starkwell and Lovelock talked at great lengths about the differences between this film’s infected and those of the earlier adaptations.  They also wouldn’t shut up about how cute the doggy is.  Seriously, did you see when they show him as a puppy??!!?! Come on! It’s totally insane.

[...]

[Doggy gets bit by zombie dogs.]

Lovelock: I thought I couldn’t possibly hate zombie dogs any more then I already did, but they just took our puppy away.

Starkwell: Man, fuck this fucking movie.

[...]

[Neville wakes up, “Shrek” is playing.]

Lovelock: I hate when they show real movies inside of a movie.  It feels wrong.

Starkwell: It’s like product placement.

Lovelock: Imagine if in one movie, they show a scene from another movie, and in that scene, there’s product placement in it.

Starkwell: I’d rather not.

[...]

[Neville gives a Bob Marley lesson to Survivor Girl.]

Lovelock: Do you think if they cast a white guy as Neville they would have used Bob Dylan instead of Bob Marley?

Starkwell: Should we be talking about this?

[...]

[Survivor’s camp in Vermont.]

Lovelock: Vermont is beautiful.

Starkwell: Yeah, zombie plague or not, look at the foliage!

[...]

Although I am sure that faithfulness to the book is thoroughly lacking, Starkwell and Lovelock both agreed that the film did what it set out to do.  I personally think that they would have liked it more if the dog hadn’t died.  Lovelock claims that he had recently been cutting an onion, but I know those were puppy death induced tears.

Zombi 2.

“Zombi 2”, or “Zombie”, or “Zombie Flesh Eaters”…  Whatever you should choose to call it, you must certainly call it amazing.  Lucio Fulci’s original undead splatter fest was often imitated, never duplicated.  Although made to cash in on the popularity of Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead”, “Zombi 2” ended up being something so much more than a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular.  Well, it still is a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular, but it’s such a good one!  This DVD from Shriek show has a second disc full of special features.  I know I’ll never actually watch them, but it’s nice to know that they are there.  After Lovelock and Starkwell enthusiastic reception of Fulci’s “The Beyond”, I’m curious to see what they will have to say about this one.

[...]

[Body Bag sits up, shot in head.]

Lovelock: I think I’m already in love.

Starkwell: You're sort of easy...

[...]

[Cops board sailboat, cop is eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never board an abandoned sailboat.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and the pirate potential.

[...]

After the incredible intro scenes, the movie slows down a little as we are introduced to the characters more, and find out that West, the reporter, and Anne, the doctor’s daughter, are traveling to the islands to find out just what happened to her father.  Starkwell appreciated the character and plot development, I believe Lovelock said “I should be bored, but for some reason I’m not.”

[...]

[Then they randomly stop the boat so that Susan can scuba and photograph stuff underwater.  Naked.]

Starkwell: Why in the hell would she scuba dive naked?

Lovelock: She’s not naked.  She’s wearing one of those old fashioned bathing caps with the flowers.

[...]

Then a shark goes after Susan, but wait, that’s no shark.  It’s a zombie shark.  Then there’s an underwater zombie that attacks her.  Then, there is a zombie vs. shark fight, filmed with a real shark, and, honestly, quite possibly a real zombie.  Starkwell and Lovelock high fived and played air guitar.  This continued until it randomly cut to a scene of The Scientist’s Wife showering (with several mirrors placed around the shower, presumably so that we can see both her front and back simultaneously) with a zombie outside her window.  At this point, they stopped and resumed paying attention to the film.

[...]

[THE GREATEST EYEBALL GAG EVER FILMED.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Why don’t they do that in every movie?

Starkwell: You mean every zombie movie?

Lovelock: No. Every movie.  Imagine how it would improve any movie.

Starkwell: You can’t have that in any movie…

Lovelock: Name a movie.

Starkwell: I don’t know… “The Horse Whisperer.”

Lovelock: ScarJo flies off the horse, and when Redford tries to catch her, she accidentally jams a screwdriver into his eye.  BAM! He wears an eye patch the rest of the film.  Totally improved.

Starkwell: Wait why would she be riding a horse with a screwdriver in her hand?

Lovelock: Look, do you want the movie to make sense, or do you want it to be better?

[...]

As the movie presses onwards at a deliberate pace and more is explained, we find out through flashbacks what the opening scene was all about.  Lovelock said it’s “even better the second time”.  Starkwell is noticing that the film manages to sprinkle a little bit of everything into the mix and that “if zombie movies were bagels, this movie would be an EVERYTHING BAGEL”, whatever that means…  Then they showed a group of zombies feasting on Eyeball Gag Girl and I think Lovelock wept a little.  Tears of joy, of course.

[...]

[Peter and Anne make out, in the dirt.]

Starkwell: So all of what they just saw put them in the mood?

Lovelock: Well-

[Zombies pop out of the ground all around them and grab them.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, those are real maggots!

Lovelock: I just got a boner.

[...]

As the zombie horde closed in on them, bunkered down in the church, one couldn’t help but notice how disgustingly scary Fulci’s zombies are.

[...]

[Zombie bites off Science Man’s face.]

Lovelock: Not much meat on the face… Kind of a dumb zombie if you ask me.

Starkwell: No one asked you.  Ever.

[...]

[Brian kills zombies.]

Starkwell: So wait, he shoots one in the chest, and then realizes that only a head shot kills them, but then makes the same mistake three or four more times?  Just shoot them in the fucking head, Brian!

Lovelock: Seriously.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me three times, go ahead and eat the girl I’m trying to save.

Starkwell: It hardly seems fair that she pays for his inability to learn…

[...]

[Zombies have overrun New York City.]

Starkwell: Why would there still be so much traffic on the bridge if the zombies are everywhere?

Lovelock: Look Fulci’s awesome, but I doubt he could get them to shut down the bridge just for that one shot.

Starkwell: Regardless, it’s still an amazing shot.

Lovelock: Oh shit, THE END!

[...]

Before the credits even finished rolling Lovelock was off in a corner somewhere making “Zombi 2” wallpaper for his bedroom.  Starkwell sat quietly, wanting more.  More Fulci, more McCulloch, more Zombi, more everything.  Unfortunately, we already know that “Zombi 3” won’t deliver the good stuff.

Day of the Dead: The Need to Feed.

Hot off the heels of the popular “Dawn of the Dead” remake, someone set out to remake “Day of the Dead”.  Steve Miner, the film’s director, is no rookie to the horror genre, with some impressive titles on his resume, most notably, a Lovelock and Starkwell favourite, 1986’s “House”.  They certainly aren’t shy to name drop Romero all over the box, even though he had nothing to do with the film other than make a good movie twenty-five years ago.  The fact that this 2008 version went straight to video is already not a very good sign.  Did I mention that it stars Nick Cannon?  Let’s see what happens.

[...]

[Teenager coughs up snot, resumes making out with girl.]

Lovelock: I think her standards are a little low.

Starkwell: Much like the casting director’s…

[...]

[Mena Suvari character introduction.]

Starkwell: So that’s why she started turning down those "American Pie" movies, to pursue a more serious acting career…

Lovelock: Harsh.

[...]

They developed the characters a little more, but who really cares?  All Lovelock and Starkwell were able to do was make fun of Nick Cannon’s crusty little moustache, his ‘crustache’ if you will.  At one point Lovelock begged the question “Seriously, how old is he supposed to be?  He looks twelve”, to which Starkwell responded “Mena Suvari’s haircut makes her look like a ‘tween.”  Afterwards Lovelock made fun of Starkwell for discussing haircuts and using the word ‘tween.  And they missed a whole chunk of movie.  They didn’t miss much, and they are yet to see anyone that they really want to root for.  But then, as if by magic, people started turning into zombies and instantaneously decaying and running and eating people, so Lovelock and Starkwell decided to pay more attention.

[...]

[Fast zombies leap tall buildings in a single bound and throw grown men around like footballs.]

Lovelock: So when they say remake, they mean it more like… ?

Starkwell: Not a remake.

[...]

Starkwell got up and started wondering how anyone could actually get away with just a bite wound when the zombies seem to “tear through people like the Tasmanian Devil on speed”.  Also, why did the virus suddenly kick in at the same time for every infected person in town?  Why does it work faster on some than on others?  Why do some peoples’ faces immediately decompose when others do not?  Lovelock shushed him, but then was like, “Seriously though, what the fuck?”  So many questions.

[...]

[People running in front of radio station.]

Starkwell: They used the same shot three times now of those three people running.

Lovelock: I thought you said that a good movie should have consistency?

Starkwell: I don’t think you’re following me here…

[...]

[Suvari is being attacked.]

Starkwell: So the zombies have super powers unless they are going after the main character?

Lovelock: Well duh, otherwise she’d die right away.

[...]

[Main character runs over her Mom without blinking.]

Starkwell: Wait, so she doesn’t want to kill the other soldier yet, in case there's a cure or something... but she felt it was ok to explode her mom into a bajillion pieces with her Hummer?  Right in front of her little brother?

Lovelock: UNIT. CORE. GOD. COUNTRY.  Somewhere after all of that, MOM.

[...]

[They find out the truth about Project Wildfire.]

Lovelock: Why is it whenever a character in a movie wants to kill some sleazeball, someone else says “no it’s not worth it.”

Starkwell: I wish someone had said that to us that before we put the DVD in.

[...]

[The outbreak has been thwarted… or has it?]

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: ...

Starkwell: So... what?

[...]

Military types, horny teenagers, the sleazy guy, the edgy radio host, one-liners, slow-motion deaths, whizzy bullets and ‘splosions.  This was basically a cookie cutter zombie/action/shit film, which just makes the use of the title even more offensive, since Romero’s 1985 epic was anything but.  Miner did a decent job directing, but when you’re handed a terrible screenplay, there’s only so much you can do.  Well, he could have just said NO.  He should have said no.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that they would hate the movie slightly less if it didn’t call itself “Day of the Dead”, but they would still, nonetheless, hate it.

The Serpent and the Rainbow.

Best known for inventing Freddy Krueger, horror titan Wes Craven took a stab at old school zombie folklore in his “based on true events” / “based on a dude’s book” film venture “The Serpent and the Rainbow.”  This one stars Bill Pullman, who you might know as the president from Independence Day or that guy I always confuse with Jeff Daniels.  Starkwell and Lovelock are intrigued by the possibility that any of what they are about to watch actually happened, and eagerly wait for me to press play.

[...]

[Haiti, 1970s.]

Starkwell: Haiti doesn’t look all that happy.  People steal dead bodies.

Lovelock: I don’t know, that guy in the top hat looks pretty happy.

Starkwell: Yeah, he’s waving a gun, I don’t think we’re supposed to like him.

[...]

[Professor Pullman takes magic potion.  Wakes up being chased by a panther and some scary dead people.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never take strange potions from witch doctors.

Starkwell: I think he’s a shaman, and yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: I think if I had a spirit animal, I’d want it to be a monkey.  No, a giraffe… actually, let me think about it some more.

[...]

[Pharmaceutical company sends him on a mission.]

Starkwell: It’s always the pharmaceutical companies.

Lovelock: Well, yeah… They’re called BIOCORP.  You can’t trust that shit.

[...]

[Professor Pullman meets a zombie.]

Lovelock: Wait, that’s a zombie?

Starkwell: I think that this movie is more grounded in reality than you’re used to.

Lovelock: Reality blows.  Bring on the flesh eaters.  If I wanted reality I’d be at work right now.

[...]

Starkwell watched the story unfold with great enthusiasm.  Lovelock was less enthused, but every time he wanted to make a comment like “where’s the action?” or “where’s the beef?” Starkwell would shush him like a librarian on crack.  Is there any other kind?  However, they both make fun of Professor Pullman’s philosophical narration every chance that they get.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie already has had at least two too many of those “thank goodness, it was only a dream” moments.

Lovelock: Can you really ever have too many of those?

Starkwell: Yes.  Yes you can.  This movie does.

[...]

[Really long sex scene.]

Starkwell: Apparently waterfalls and a large crowd put Professor Pullman in the mood.

Lovelock: She certainly seems to be enjoying it.  In slow motion.

Starkwell: Who has sex in a cave?

Lovelock: Probably cavemen.

[...]

[Professor Pullman cons the con man.]

Starkwell: He’s a doctor and a magician?  No wonder she couldn’t resist boning him in a dirty cave.

Lovelock: Plus, his hair is phenomenal.

[...]

I was unable to follow their conversation for a little while, because I passed out when the crazy police drove a huge nail through Professor Pullman’s scrotum.  I think I faintly heard Lovelock saying “good luck doing it cave style now” before I blacked out.  When I woke up, they were repeating the line “hey, it just went through the scrotum, right?” over and over again, since, as it turns out, Professor Pullman is a pretty hard dude.

[...]

[Another dream sequence followed by dramatic wakeup shot.]

Starkwell: That’s the sweatiest wakeup yet.

Lovelock: Hey, I mean, it just went through the scrotum, right?

[Finds severed head next to him.]

Starkwell: I think I would prefer the nightmare…

Lovelock: Hey, I mean, it just went through the scrotum, right?

[...]

[Back in Boston, Professor Pullman is attacked at a dinner party by the hostess.]

Lovelock: Voodoo or not, I think that’s how I would react to that boring ass conversation as well.

Starkwell: Wow, he just bails on the party?  She’s still seizing and screaming.  What a dick.  Considering this is all his fault, the least he could do is stick around and see if she’s ok.

Lovelock: They put a wallet in her mouth, she’ll be fine.

[...]

[Zombie powder blown in face.  Pullman is pronounced dead.  Eventually, he comes back.]

Lovelock: Man, they stole that shit from “In Like Flint”.

Starkwell: It’s not really the same thing.

Lovelock: Purple alert!

[...]

The ending of the movie was pretty spectacular, full of historical facts, supernatural terrors, and nail in scrotum payback.  But Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t really react at all.  They said they were waiting to see if there would be another shot of him waking up, all sweaty, thinking “thank goodness, it was only a dream.”  It never came.  Good news for Haiti, but bad news for his scrotum.

Masters of Horror: Homecoming.

“Masters of Horror” was a relatively short lived television series that produced a mixed bag of shorter horror features helmed by titans of the genre.  In the first season, Joe Dante provided the show with the politically charged anti-war zombie effort entitled “Homecoming”.

[...]

[Ann Coulter type of woman talks on TV show, after having shown that later, she will be killed.]

Starkwell: So Dante isn’t exactly going to be subtle about this.

Lovelock: At least we know that the fictional Ann Coulter is going to get capped in the head.

Starkwell: Yeah, dare to dream.

[...]

Somewhere amidst George W. Bush impersonations on the television, dead soldiers rising from their coffins, and witty dialogue aplenty, I’m pretty sure I heard both Starkwell and Lovelock let out cries of joy.

[...]

Lovelock: Wait why aren’t the zombies eating people?

Starkwell: I think you’re missing the point.

Lovelock: Is the point to make me wish that they would kill more of these assholes?

Starkwell: That is most definitely not the point.

[...]

[Undead soldiers simply want to vote, presumably against the president.]

Lovelock: I am suddenly totally cool with the whole not killing people thing.

Starkwell: The Super Christian Church guy’s flip-flop about the undead soldiers was a nice touch.

[...]

[Flashback to main character shooting his brother.]

Starkwell: Wow, he even found a way to comment on gun control too.

Lovelock: I hope he makes fun of Creationism next.

[...]

As the film wrapped itself up, both Starkwell and Lovelock stood up in applause.  In its short run time, this film accomplished more than most do in twice the time.  Bravo, Joe Dante, and thank you.