Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns.

Calling Masters of Horror a mixed bag isn’t really being fair to bags.  From what I’ve seen, it’s pretty much a mixed bag of shit.  “Homecoming” was great, but the rest have done little to impress Starkwell and Lovelock.  Let’s see how Carpenter’s entry “Cigarette Burns” fairs.

[...]

[Special effects by Greg Nicotero!  Starring the dude that plays Darryl on AMC’s hit show “Walking Dead”.]

Lovelock: This one already has a lot more promise than the others.

Starkwell: UDO KIER!!!!

[...]

The story is pretty nuts.  A semi-famous and reclusive director hires a theater owner, Kirby, to find a rare cursed magical film out there called “LA FIN ABSOLUE DU MONDE”, believed to be out of print and/or non-existent.  The one official screening on record caused the entire audience to go insane.  Anyone who talks about it, tries to find it, catches a frame of it, slowly goes bananas and starts seeing things.

[...]

Starkwell: Knowing what he already knows, why would you want to see the film or have anything to do with it?

Lovelock: The ‘Manos’ crew all went nuts and yet, Mystery Science Theater went after that one.

Starkwell: Fair enough.  But there’s a difference here, especially since he just saw some kind of demon that apparently came out of the film.

[...]

[Kirby starts researching the film, and having acid flashbacks of his dead girlfriend.]

Lovelock: Dude, TURN BACK NOW.

Starkwell: If he just spoke French, he may know that he is likely bringing forth the end of the world.

Lovelock: The absolute end.

[...]

Intrigued, entertained… Starkwell and Lovelock are FULLY GLUED to the screen.  It’s like a cool horrible private eye short.  It’s pretty sweet, to be honest.

[...]

[Kirby is drugged by French guys who are looking to make a snuff film STARRING Kirby.  They chop a woman’s head off right in front of him.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go to France.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

[Kirby blinks and suddenly he is free and apparently he murdered the Eurotrash with the machete.]

Lovelock: WHY DIDN’T THEY SHOW THAT.  Dammit.  Fucking dammit.

Starkwell: Darryl for the win.

[...]

[He meets the wife of the EVIL FILM’s director, who informs Kirby that SATAN produced the film.]

Lovelock: Produced by Satan… damn that’s metal.

Starkwell: I would love to hear the soundtrack.

[...]

So he gets the film and brings it back to the reclusive director.  Eventually Kirby goes back to the guy’s house to retrieve the film.  Asian butler greets Kirby at the door and then stabs himself in the eyes.  Kirby goes to find the director who is in the process of running his intestines through the movie projector.  Then Kirby blows his brains out and the demon from the film takes the reels and walks away.  Starkwell and Lovelock can’t figure out if they were more horrified by the film’s images, or by the fact that it made no sense.

Masters of Horror: Dance of the Dead.

“Masters of Horror” was a relatively short lived television series that produced a mixed bag of shorter horror features helmed by titans of the genre.  In the first season, Tobe Hooper provided the show with the post-apocalyptic effort entitled “Dance of the Dead”.  The first one of these that Starkwell and Lovelock watched was Joe Dante's "Homecoming" which, sadly for them at this point, set the bar exceedingly high.

[...]

[Old lady flashes back to her childhood birthday party, horrible storm comes, people disintegrate.]

Starkwell: What the hell was that? A cloud of pure evil?

Lovelock: Did you see their faces melt off?  More like cloud of awesome.

[...]

Then it cuts to the DOOM ROOM, which is apparently some kind of anarchistic night club.  According to Starkwell it features “Lame fucking music and Freddy Krueger as an MC with a bunch of make-up on.”

[...]

Lovelock: Why is it that any futuristic post-apocalyptic world created in the movies features shitty fucking 'futuristic' bands and music?

[...]

We are then introduced to some lame characters that are, for reasons unknown, stealing blood from old people.  We then find out that it was THE TERRORISTS that caused all of this.  Given that Joe Dante’s “Homecoming” was politically charged and very anti-war, I’m starting to think that there’s a recurring theme here amongst these Masters of Horror shorts.  Once they started developing the story more and we saw people throwing naked women zombies into a dumpster and burning them, Starkwell and Lovelock grew a little more quiet, wondering how they were going to find time to explain all of this AND wrap it all up in less than an hour.  They did make several jokes about the bad acting.   The film also seems to be doing a whole “THE YOUTH OF TODAY ARE DAMAGED!” thing.

[...]

[Jack goes to find Whatever The Fuck Her Name Is, I think it’s Peggy.]

Starkwell: So… it’s a love story too?

Lovelock: It has everything all at once.

Starkwell: Everything except good acting, good dialogue... my interest.

[...]

Then there was an awkward scene where Freddy Krueger felt up a naked corpse before re-animating it.  I mean, things are happening, but nothing is really happening.  Those aren’t my words, they’re Lovelock’s.  There’s also a whole “DRUGS ARE BAD” thing going on.

[...]

[The Old Lady goes after Peggy.]

Lovelock: Some movies can pull off showing old ladies waving guns around and saying cocksucker.  This movie is not one of them.

[...]

So the two dudes were getting blood to give it to Freddy Krueger at the DOOM ROOM.  We’ve yet to find out what he will use it for.  I’m assuming it has something to do with the whole re-animatings of corpses thingy.  Starkwell almost walked out when they showed Freddy Krueger getting head from a naked zombie, but with only ten minutes left, he figured he may as well stay.

[...]

Lovelock: Wait so… the war caused the zombies?

Starkwell: No I think it’s the Freddy Krueger MC guy…

Lovelock: Or, is it just the electric shocks?

Starkwell: Wait… if that’s Peggy's sister, how did she grow up if she’s dead?

Lovelock: Holy shit I really don’t know.  I’ve got a headache now.

[...]

Then there’s like a twist where it was the mom that sold the sister to MC Krueger.  And the end.  Well actually, then Peggy turned around and sold her mom to MC Krueger.  But yeah, then the end.  And now Peggy likes the DOOM ROOM?

[...]

Starkwell: So what’s the point?

Lovelock: We just wasted an hour.  That’s the point.

Masters of Horror: Haeckel's Tale.

“Masters of Horror” was a relatively short lived television series that produced a mixed bag of shorter horror features helmed by titans of the genre. In the second season, John McNaughton provided the show with an interpretation of Clive Barker’s necromancy filled “Haeckel’s Tale”.

[...]

[John tries to convince the ol’ Witch Lady to raise his wife from the dead.]

Starkwell: What is with these “Masters of Horror” episodes? The actors are always so wooden.

Lovelock: The old woman’s okay.

Starkwell: Best review ever for a movie. “The old woman’s okay.”

[...]

[Flashback to olden Massachusetts where Haeckel argues with Dr. Plunkett about religion, Haeckel claims he can raise the dead and… CUT TO HIS LABORATORY.]

Starkwell: Obviously there’s thunder and lightning outside.

Lovelock: Well yeah, you can’t expect to revive the dead without lightning. What planet are you from?

[Lightning strikes, dead body catches on fire.]

Starkwell: I bet that happened to Dr. Frankenstein all the time.  At least fifty percent.

[...]

The acting was much better now in this flashback sequence. Since this movie is “Haeckel’s Tale”, Lovelock and Starkwell are a little confused as to why it even started with a crotchety old lady and a bad actor talking about times of old. I might have some of this wrong, but I believe one of them said: “It’s Haeckel’s Tale, not ‘The old woman is okay’ and then she talks about Haeckel’s Tale.”

[...]

[Professor Montesquino talks about raising the dead, and says that with great power comes responsibility.]

Lovelock: In conclusion, ‘Pawn Shop Guy’ from “The Crow”, AKA ‘Montesquino’ is… THE AMAZING

SPIDERMAN.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure he isn’t.

Lovelock: Well then what is he?

Starkwell: A dude with a pretty rad moustache.

Lovelock: Go again.

Starkwell: A mediocre actor?

Lovelock: Better, closer, warmer.

Starkwell: ... Ugh... Spiderman?

Lovelock: There it is.

[Montesquino re-animates a dead dog… INTO A ZOMBIE MONSTER DOG!]

Lovelock: Is he strong? Listen, bud. He’s got radioactive blood.

Starkwell: Montesquino or the dog?

Lovelock: Seriously, who fucking cares.

[...]

After that they got bored. And fell asleep. They woke up about fifteen minutes later when there was some thunder and lightning in the movie. But don’t worry, they fell back to sleep quite quickly. They then woke up just in time to see Haeckel fight Zombie Dog with a huge rock. Not bad. Unfortunately Starkwell walked out during the scene when Elise banged her Zombie husband, while the other Zombies watched and joined in.  I think during the third or fourth shot of ZOMBIE HAND TOUCHES NAKED BOOBY, even Lovelock said he was getting a little uncomfortable.

[...]

[Later that morning… ELISE’S BABY IS A ZOMBIE BABY! IT KILLS HAECKEL!]

Lovelock: I guess that’s what happens when you have unprotected sex with a zombie.

[...]

Starkwell wasn’t around to question how a zombie could possibly have functioning testicles with which to shoot hot zombie beans into a woman's muff. Lovelock didn’t seem to care. He was psyched about Haeckel’s death.

[...]

[TURNS OUT THE OLD CROTCHETY WOMAN FROM THE BEGINNING IS ELISE THE ZOMBIE FUCKER!]

Lovelock: Oh snap. Except, I hope they don’t show the old woman having a foursome with the zombies…

[...]

They didn’t.  They hinted at it, and that was enough to make Lovelock dry heave a little, but they didn't actually show it.  I guess McNaughton decided THAT would just be weird.

Masters of Horror: Homecoming.

“Masters of Horror” was a relatively short lived television series that produced a mixed bag of shorter horror features helmed by titans of the genre.  In the first season, Joe Dante provided the show with the politically charged anti-war zombie effort entitled “Homecoming”.

[...]

[Ann Coulter type of woman talks on TV show, after having shown that later, she will be killed.]

Starkwell: So Dante isn’t exactly going to be subtle about this.

Lovelock: At least we know that the fictional Ann Coulter is going to get capped in the head.

Starkwell: Yeah, dare to dream.

[...]

Somewhere amidst George W. Bush impersonations on the television, dead soldiers rising from their coffins, and witty dialogue aplenty, I’m pretty sure I heard both Starkwell and Lovelock let out cries of joy.

[...]

Lovelock: Wait why aren’t the zombies eating people?

Starkwell: I think you’re missing the point.

Lovelock: Is the point to make me wish that they would kill more of these assholes?

Starkwell: That is most definitely not the point.

[...]

[Undead soldiers simply want to vote, presumably against the president.]

Lovelock: I am suddenly totally cool with the whole not killing people thing.

Starkwell: The Super Christian Church guy’s flip-flop about the undead soldiers was a nice touch.

[...]

[Flashback to main character shooting his brother.]

Starkwell: Wow, he even found a way to comment on gun control too.

Lovelock: I hope he makes fun of Creationism next.

[...]

As the film wrapped itself up, both Starkwell and Lovelock stood up in applause.  In its short run time, this film accomplished more than most do in twice the time.  Bravo, Joe Dante, and thank you.