So apparently this one involves a back-from-the-dead soldier, who behaves a bit like the zombie sidekick in "Dylan Dog", from what I gather, and he apparently comes back and starts helping his friend deal with drug dealers and clean up the streets. Potential is through the roof. So let's just see how badly they fuck that up. The film clocks in just under two hours, so it just may be a long ride… We start with a group of soldiers travelling in the desert who are suddenly ambushed. Bart is shot and killed, and then we cut to his funeral, along with some annoying overbearing orchestra music that sounds like the kind of music they play during the parades at Disney World.
[...]
[Bart's girlfriend Janet and his buddy Joey talk shit about the Priest's sermon at the funeral.]
Lovelock: What's with priests using main events where they FINALLY have a crowd to lay a guilt trip everyone who isn't a regular?
Starkwell: Seriously.
Lovelock: "Welcome to Christmas mass... I see a lot of unfamiliar faces."
Starkwell: Lame.
[Joey and Janet start furiously making out.]
Lovelock: Ummm…
Starkwell: Well they certainly weren't listening at church today.
Lovelock: Sinners! Bart's not even buried yet.
[...]
That night, Bart rises up out of his coffin, startled, scared, confused, and ZOMBIE. Much rejoicing was had by both Lovelock and Starkwell, as Bart discovered his rotting face in a mirror and began cutting the stitches holding his mouth together. He goes to see Joey, who, understandably, is freaked out. Good dialogue and the jokes actually work.
[...]
[Bart tries to eat a slice of pizza, vomits black tar everywhere.]
Lovelock: That's why I always prefer pizza same day.
Starkwell: You're nuts! Cold pizza is the shit.
[At the end of the night Bart collapses, and is full dead again.]
[...]
The 'wiccan' nurse of the group, Mathilda, thinks that he is a vampire. Joey makes fun of her repeatedly, and then she leaves and tells Joey that he needs to chop off Bart's head and drive a stake into his heart.
[...]
[Night time comes, Bart wakes up again, Joey feeds him breakfast and he pukes black tar.]
Lovelock: They don't seem to be learning.
Starkwell: So… much… vomit…
[...]
Bart goes to a hospital to steal blood, and he's caught by a nurse, being played by the woman that played nurse Haleh on "E.R.". This of course led to Starkwell and Lovelock ignoring the film for at least ten minutes while they, for whatever reason, talked about the final season of "E.R." and Noah Wyle's character. Meanwhile, Joey and Bart figured out that if he drinks blood, he feels much better. But he still "dies" when the morning comes.
[...]
[Joey figures out that he is not a vampire, but rather, he is a REVENANT.]
Starkwell: I appreciate the attention to detail. Most movies would be lazy and just be all "you're a zombie ZOIKS!"
Lovelock: Zoiks?
Starkwell: Yeah, you know, all like "Derrrrrrrp".
Lovelock: When in the shit are they gonna get to the crimefighting?
[...]
Then they get mugged, by some Latino dude, and Bart gets shot a bunch. But, since he's already dead, he gets back up, they knock out the mugger, drag him into the car, and Bart drinks the mugger's blood. Bart ends up feeling much better. Not quite crimefighting, but an acceptable start, according to Lovelock. Janet finds out he's undead (finally), and they spend some time together (like five minutes), but then Bart heads right back out with Joey (because I guess he doesn't really give a shit about Janet?).
[...]
[Once again, they get mugged, this time in a convenience store, by a black guy.]
Lovelock: Remind me not to live wherever it is that they live.
Starkwell: Also… racist much?
[...]
Then they stop a white crackhead who's robbing a black guy. Starkwell felt this was a 'convenient' way to resolve his earlier concern. So, now they've upgraded from "self-defense after randomly being mugged" to proper crimefighting. As Bart kills and sucks the blood from criminals, they also start a serious gun collection, and they make the news. Bronson style. Except severely less tough.
[...]
[Joey gets shot, Bart sucks his blood.]
Lovelock: Certainly was a short-lived partnership.
[Joey wakes up the next night as a revenant too.]
Starkwell: But wait… wouldn't that mean that all of their victims would be waking back up?
Lovelock: Confused.
[...]
With both of them as revenants, they go even harder on the crimefighting quest. Aside from the Starkwell-mentioned plot hole, it makes literally no sense at all that Janet hasn't wanted to see Bart again since she realized he was undead, and vice-versa with Bart basically ignoring that he ever had a love interest. They've basically not talked about her at all. It's a little weak and unexplained. Especially since you just know they are OBVIOUSLY going to have the whole "Joey slept with Janet" thing come around to screw things up.
[...]
[Mathilda finds out what they are doing, Joey kills her.]
Lovelock: Well this took a grim turn.
Starkwell: They took forever to get to this point, and now they're cramming the entire story into the final act.
Lovelock: And suddenly they give a shit about Janet again?
[...]
Then Janet feeds Bart some of her blood and it's all sexual and Lovelock and Starkwell are fully uncomfortable, and confused. Bart, obviously, goes too far and sucks her dry. Then Joey and Bart have a gun fight and they part ways. Joey is heading to Vegas and Bart chops off Janet's head, and then gets arrested.
[...]
[Joey gets pulled over and grabbed by a band of criminals led by the original Latino dude that they killed.]
Starkwell: Well, they actually wrapped that plot hole up nice and neatly, I guess. Good on you, movie.
Lovelock: So wait… everyone that they killed is out there being all zombie? COOL! I think...
[...]
Bart escapes the morgue and finds a package at his door… it's JOEY'S HEAD. He's still alive and talking (well, he can only talk with the help of a vibrator). Bart smashes his head, puts him out of his misery, after finding out that basically everyone that they killed are likely about to come after him.
[...]
Starkwell: Wait, there's another fifteen fucking minutes?
[Montage of Bart trying to off himself in various ways.]
Lovelock: Looking good today buddy. Looking real good.
[...]
After all that, I guess Bart gave up entirely on even trying to be good, and kills a random woman on the subway. He exits the subway and there's a SWAT team waiting. For some reason, the SWAT team starts shooting and kills about two dozen civilians. It really doesn't make any sense. Bart gets up and runs away. The film ends with him being captured by people in HASMAT gear. Then it cuts to a research lab where some woman is explaining a bunch of shit about the revenants. Unfortunately, they decide to show us full frontal fucking dude and lady nudity. All of the undead people are to become super soldiers I think.
[...]
Lovelock: Must suck to be that old actor, whose credit in this film likely reads "old zombie that hangs dong".
[...]
Good movie. Too long, though, and a bit confused at times.
