Zombie Hunter.

Yet another one of these faux grindhouse films, thrown together and probably full of BADITUDE.  Well, at least this one isn’t produced by “The Asylum” so there’s at least some hope there.  The film opens up with stoners watching a news broadcast where the news anchor pukes all over the place and it looks super fake.

[...]

[Dude screws his friend’s girlfriend who is dressed as a cheerleader, obviously.  But then while humping he turns into a zombie and eats her.]

Lovelock: Hey, at least they’re not wasting any time…

Starkwell: You always say that at the beginnings of these types of movies, and it NEVER makes me feel any better.  Also, the films almost always end up being bad.

Lovelock: I’m just trying to stay positive.

[In the end, there is absolutely no reason for the opening scene, other than to establish that there is an outbreak.]

[...]

The zombies look pretty terrible.  We are apparently following some guy in a Trans Am going around everywhere wearing sunglasses and leather and saying stupid fucking one liners.  The narration / dialogue / script sounds like it was written by a fourteen year old who just watched “Resident Evil”, Steven Seagal movies and probably cartoons.  And the soundtrack sounds like it’s a bunch of bands that listen to late nineties “alt rock” exclusively.  It sucks.

[...]

Lovelock: Trejo was pretty prominent on the cover and yet, nowhere to be found.

Starkwell: The cover makes us think “Trejo is the Zombie Hunter”, when in reality, it’s this fucking guy?

[...]

[After he gets shot, he wakes up with a girl, named Fast Lane Debbie, straddling him.]

Starkwell: Why does the apocalypse make people change their names to dumb shit like ‘Cooterball’, ‘Fast Lane Debbie’, ‘Buzz’ or ‘Meat’?

Lovelock: ‘Cooterball’?

[...]

They introduce Trejo now, and his name is Jesus.  Then there’s a pink and grainy montage of Trejo killing zombies with an axe.  It’s actually even a little lamer than it sounds.  We just hit the half-hour mark, and we’ve seen little more than a guy basically doing an awful ‘Kurt Russell as Snake’ impersonation.

[...]

Lovelock: For a movie called “Zombie Hunter” there ain’t many zombies, and there certainly ain’t any hunting.

[Then we randomly get a glimpse of a super zombie that looks like the mutant zombies in “Resident Evil”, except without the budget to make it not look like something in a local furniture store commercial.]

Starkwell: This movie really sucks.

[...]

Then for whatever reason, Fast Lane Debbie comes out into the lounge and does a pole dance for like five minutes.  But the main character isn’t interested!  He wants the nerdy good girl!   So then he and nerdy good girl go and screw.  This scene also lasts like five minutes.

[...]

[Zombies overrun their little camp, Trejo dies, the rest get away.]

Starkwell: So they basically were able to afford having Trejo for like a day or two of shooting?

Lovelock: If that.

Starkwell: But then yeah, let's put him front and center on the cover...

[Shitty Movie-Making 101: If you have a semi-known actor in your movie for ten minutes of screen time, put him on the cover and ONLY HIM.]

[...]

[The gang sees something gross and all puke.  They show them puking.  They show the puke.  Close-up.  This lasts a couple of minutes.]

Starkwell: ANNNNNNNNNNNnnnnd I’m out.

[...]

[Main character sees blood on the ground.]

Lovelock: I feel like they used Pepto-Bismol for blood.

[That would be pretty expensive.  They’d have been better off using ketchup.]

[...]

[They find a plane, but before takeoff the pilot is grabbed and eaten.]

Lovelock: So, the other two are just watching him being eaten?  Fucking do something.  GOD this movie sucks.

[...]

Lovelock held on until the end, but I saw him falling asleep here and there.  And he made fun of the super zombie every time it was on the screen.  To the film’s credit, they never resorted to showing boobies to try to fill the seats, something most of these movies tend to do ALL THE TIME.  On the flip side, by the end, Lovelock was all “what a shitty movie, the least they could have done was show me some boobies”.  Oh well.