Juan of the Dead.

I will be the first to admit that parodying the name “Dawn of the Dead” to create “Shaun of the Dead” was fairly clever.  But adding a Spanish flare to it with “Juan of the Dead” seems, well, less clever, less original.  But let’s not let that take away from the potential here.  They are clearly letting the audience know that it should be, once again, a ZOMEDY, but that there is an equal nod to both Romero-esque films as much as there is to the newer classics like “Shaun”.  Now that I say it like that, the title fucking rules.  Starkwell and Lovelock are a typically hard sell on Zombie Comedies.  They have to really work and have good character and story.  Let’s see how they fare here.

[...]

[Two Cuban slackers out for a leisurely fish, they talk about fleeing Cuba, and end up with a convict zombie on their line, they harpoon his head.]

Starkwell: Solid intro, good music, funny dialogue… off to a solid start.

Lovelock: …

[Lovelock was silently weeping at the POTENTIAL in front of him.]

[...]

Juan and his sidekick seem to be real pieces of work.  The comedy is right on target.  Juan tries to reconnect with his estranged daughter but is shot down.  Similarities to this film’s British counterpart are subtle, but kind of present.  Nonetheless, this film is one hundred percent its own thing, and totally insane, so far.  The zombie outbreak has already begun.

[...]

[Juan goes to see his neighbor the old lay, and her husband is a zombie, he attacks Juan… so Lazaro and his son come to help and they accidentally harpoon both the old woman and the old man zombie.  Then they keep stabbing and maiming the old man in an attempt to get him to stop attacking.  Eventually… HEAD SHOT.]

Starkwell: Even these screwballs have learned faster than most do in these situations.

Lovelock: I love how indifferent they are about everything.  That’s really something to aspire to.

[...]

The action and mayhem gets crazier and funnier.  Sure, this is not re-inventing anything, but it’s doing the same old same old in a very refreshing and cool way, enough to make you forget that you’ve basically seen this film a thousand times.  Granted, you’ve never seen it in communist Cuba.

[...]

Lovelock: Do the zombies run, or do the zombies not run?

Starkwell: All this good stuff and you’re concerning yourself with that?

Lovelock: That is a top priority.  I’m looking for consistency here.

Starkwell: How about good writing, acting, directing, pacing… ?

Lovelock: DO THEY RUN OR DON’T THEY!??!?!?!

[...]

One thing is certain… the zombies look great, in that old-school sort of way.  No big computer crap going on here.

[...]

[Girl gets pulled into the water by a zombie, is dragged around like the girl at the beginning of “Jaws”.]

Starkwell: Ok… DUDE.  Zombies walking on the ocean floor?  “World War Z” THE BOOK style?  You have to get excited about that.

Lovelock: …

[Clearly excited, Lovelock peed a little and had to run to the washroom.]

[...]

Juan, Lazaro and his son, California, start a ‘Ghostbusters’ style business, to kill zombies.  Lovelock did a jumpkick and farted simultaneously.  Starkwell liked the whole ‘capitalist adventure inside of a falling communist empire’ thing.  Lovelock was all “shut up nerd” and did another jump kick as Juan and friends recruit some locals to join their business.  Then they make a joke about how no one can explain why some are slow and some are fast.  Lovelock was so excited he started giggling uncontrollably.

[...]

[Zombie kill / training montage with FUNKY music.]

Lovelock: THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[...]

Sometime after this, they stopped talking, mostly, and just sat there enjoying every second of the film.

[...]

Starkwell: We may have spoken too soon about the effects… that last shit was CGI and that looked horrendous.

Lovelock: I can forgive… I’m having too much fun to be angry.

[...]

Definitely light on actual story at this point, but that’s hardly a big deal, since the comedy and dialogue are great and the characters are very well developed.  The movie understands that a good zombie film ain’t about zombies.

[...]

[Juan and his Dead Busters are caught by some kind of military.]

Starkwell: Why did they make them take their clothes off?

Lovelock: I think we’re about to find out.

Starkwell: Still… that’s a lot of almost full frontal male…

Lovelock: So… much… dude ass…

Starkwell: Too much?

Lovelock: It's ALWAYS too much.

[...]

All through out there are nods to some classics.  There was a definite “Evil Dead 2” scene and the Father Jones character at the end was straight from “Dead Alive” even claiming he wants to “kick ass for the lord”.  Subtle enough that only a big fan will catch it, and it doesn’t come off as cheesy. Lovelock cried when Lazaro ALMOST died.  Turns out he wasn’t bitten after all and Lovelock and Starkwell HIGH FIVED! Hard.

[...]

[Juan and Lazaro go to Havana center and decide it is time for a standoff.]

Lovelock: No… why?  Don’t…  Wait is he using nuchuks?

Starkwell: They’ll never make it.

Lovelock: They made it.

[...]

In the end, Juan decides to stay behind, as his daughter and friends set sail for Miami, because, he loves Cuba.  It’s all pretty ball crushing, and Lovelock started crying again.  Lovelock and Starkwell mostly just sang this thing’s praises all throughout.  Honestly, “Juan of the Dead” is a modern classic, the best of its kind in a very very long time, probably since its British father "Shaun".

Exit Humanity.

Along with “Ghost Brigade” and “Abraham Lincoln Vs. The Zombies”, this is the THIRD Civil War zombie film that Starkwell and Lovelock have had the opportunity (or misfortune… so far anyways) to watch.  Let’s hope third time is the charm.  Well, Brian Cox is in this one.  So that’s something.  But then again, Martin Sheen was technically in “Ghost Brigade” so… yeah… I should mention that this came from Redbox… Redbox has a bad record with Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

[Brian Cox narrates, reading from a journal.]

Starkwell: Well, I will say this, his voice already makes it cooler than most movies.

[Battle scene… WITH ZOMBIE SOLDIERS.  Brian Cox is narrating, in the first person, the story of his ancestor (?) fighting the outbreak after the war.]

Starkwell:  I hate to say this, but Redbox has given something that, so far, looks promising.

Lovelock: They had me at ZOMBIE.

[Shocker.]

[...]

They’re clearly going the DRAMA root… which is usually the easiest way for a lower budget movie to fail miserably, because good acting and writing don’t come cheap.  But, so far, it seems reasonably intense and not overflowing with cheese.  Brian Cox has certainly been helping achieve this balance, so far.  As Lovelock stated, “the zombies help”.

[...]

[Animated sequence of zombie killing.]

Starkwell: Rad!

Lovelock: Looks like a National Film Board of Canada cartoon.

Starkwell: Logdrivers?

Lovelock: Sure.

[Then they spent ten minutes trying to remember the theme for the logdriver cartoon, before eventually Googling it.]

[...]

The main character, Edward Young, is kind of a bad ass.  Starkwell has said he is willing to overlook the fact that he dresses like a video game character.  For now.

[...]

[Main character plays Russian Roulette and basically flips the fuck out.]

Starkwell: Fair enough.

Lovelock: He’s got the whole world… in his hands…

Starkwell: Really?

Lovleock: Well, his dead son’s ashes, anyways.

Starkwell: Horrifying.

[...]

Edward Young decides he’s going to go find his happy place, a waterfall, and spread his son’s ashes there.  Then he kills his horse, since it got infected, and Lovelock started crying.

[...]

[Chapter Two… Edward teams up with Isaac… Isaac looks at Edward Young’s drawings.]

Starkwell: Did Issac tell him he should draw some titties?

Lovelock: When times are tough, titties can help.  Especially if they are realistically drawn.

[...]

There’s an evil surgeon, played by STEPHEN MCHATTIE.  When they first introduce him and show him on screen, Lovelock nearly shit himself.

[...]

Lovelock: Isaac kind of sucks.

[Chapter Three… The REBELS!]

Lovelock: Oh man, I can’t wait to see McHattie.  I bet he’ll be all crazy and awesome and crazy awesome.

[...]

The rebels capture Edward Young while Isaac is off taking a piss, and they bring Edward to their prison.  Lovelock repeated his “Isaac sucks” sentiment.

[...]

[McHattie performs experiments as the rebels try to find a cure.]

Lovelock: The rebels don’t seem so bad… they want a cure!

Starkwell: Wanting a cure doesn’t forgive rape and torture.

Lovelock: Maybe they’re just taking the girl to their leader for a game of parcheesy?

[Isaac shows up and saves the day.]

Lovelock: Alright fine, Isaac doesn’t totally suck.

Starkwell: Parcheesy?

[...]

Edward Young, Isaac and Isaac’s wife escape the rebels.  Edward is shot in the process.  Isaac and wife drag Edward and take him to see the old village cat lady / witch / hermit, named Eve.  Starkwell and Lovelock are pretty well on the edge of their seats.  Solid stuff so far.  A bit slow at times, but fun. Witch helps Edward, and he seems to be doing better.

[...]

[Turns out the witch thinks she started all of this with a spell that she cast out of anger for her witch sister being hung.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never participate in witch hunts.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: Well also, because once you join one mob, all the other mobs start expecting you to show up.  And I don’t have time for that.  It's like, NO I don't feel like hunting down Captain Werewolf tonight... OK?

Starkwell: Captain Werewolf?

[...]

The movie definitely starts to drag a little.  We just crossed the hour and a half mark, which is usually where such films end.  So Starkwell and Lovelock are not accustomed to continuing paying attention after that milestone, and they start to get a little restless.

[...]

[Isaac and wife are RE-captured by the rebels and brought to the prison while Edward is off going to his happy place waterfall.]

Lovelock: Chapter five?!?!?! More like chapter hurry up please.

[Edward Young puts on face paint and pretends to be a zombie, and starts summoning the horde of zombies to follow him.]

Lovelock: Ok, this just got cool again.  The face paint and robe is SOOooo Funeral Doom.

[...]

[Edward goes and rescues the prisoners from the prison and Isaac dies.]

Lovelock: FINALLY, now Emma can just be with Edward already.

Starkwell: Harsh.  Also, since when do you enjoy a good love triangle?

Lovelock: Dude, whatever.  Check out his face paint.  And did you see him jump over that booby trap?  FUUUuuuuuuuck YEAH.

[...]

Anyways, Edward Young kills the rebels and ends up getting the girl.  RIGHTEOUS!  Exit Starkwell and Lovelock.

Strange Behavior.

Another mad scientist pick from the eighties, this one revolves around kids being turned into killers.  It’s been done a few times before, and a few times since.  The issue, usually, with this type of premise is that kids are usually terrible actors and annoying to watch.  So movies, even with a good story, end up being a mixed bag.  I’m sure this will be no different.  I’m pretty sure this may not have a good story either.  The movie opens with a teenager at home alone.  The lights go out and someone kills him, I THINK.  We only see it happening in a shadow. It is the cheesiest looking and sounding death that Lovelock or Starkwell have ever seen and heard.  This is really setting the stage for one wild affair.

[...]

[Single dad and his son, Pete, do their morning routine together and have breakfast.]

Lovelock: Who stands naked in front of their dad like that?

Starkwell: What’s with all of the first person view shots?

Lovelock: Is that old woman the maid?  The place is filthy!  Fire her.

[There were more questions, but I’ll stop for now.]

[...]

As is usually the case with cheap and shitty eighties films, the high school students appear to be played by mostly actors in their twenties and thirties.  Maybe even forties.  I guess there goes my concern about 'annoying kids'.

[...]

[Students watch a creepy film with a scientist who controls a chicken.]

Starkwell: What the hell kind of high school class is that?

Lovelock: Home economics?

Starkwell: They’re not cooking the chicken.

[...]

Then the ‘kids’ go to a costume party at someone’s house, and they all dance to a shitty imitation E.L.O. song.  FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.  There’s even a choreographed part.  It’s kind of creepy to be honest.  In between dancing shots, it shows a hand grabbing a knife from the kitchen drawer.

[...]

Starkwell: Still dancing.

[...]

Lovelock: Still dancing.

[...]

[Dude in a creepy mask kills some teens with a big ol’ knife.]

Lovelock: Obviously where the “Scream” movies got ALL of their ideas.

Starkwell: Uh… ?

[Dude takes mask off after he gets away, it’s the guy from the opening scene that was ‘killed’.]

Lovelock: Wait… is that the guy from the beginning?

Starkwell: No, I think that’s the guy that killed the guy in the opening scene.

Lovelock: I’m confused.

[I’m confused.]

[...]

So Pete apparently works part time at some kind of research lab where they make little kids ride exercise bikes and then play pinball if they pedal for long enough.  He’s there to be a test subject for experimental drugs.

[...]

[Pete takes a behavior modification drug that will enhance his senses and make him a super human.]

Lovelock: It’s like that Bradley Cooper movie, except not as bad.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[...]

Then we get back story on Pete.  He goes on a date and seems to have SUPER SENSES.  Then he bones the girl.  Then some old maid lady finds a dead boy at the house she’s looking after.  But wait the killer is still there!

[...]

[The killer, some young girl this time, that we have never seen, kills the maid.]

Lovelock: Why was she cutting the boy’s hands off?

Starkwell: I’m sure we’ll never find out.

[I’m confused.]

[...]

[Pete goes back to the lab, and they’re injecting him with some shit, and strapping him in  a chair “Clockwork Orange” style.  They inject him IN THE EYE.]

Starkwell: Why would this lab even exist?  Without anyone calling the POLICE?!?

Lovelock: The answer is MAKE BELIEVE.  Anyways, I’ll forgive all the dumbness due to that fantastically gross eye gag.

[...]

Then Pete wakes up and I ASSUME he doesn’t remember anything, since he seems quite calm and not wanting to call the cops.  If he does remember the eye injection and is acting this calmly, then he is, as Starkwell noted, “the biggest idiot in maybe the whole world”.  There’s a whole side story about Pete’s dad, who is a police chief, and APPARENTLY the mad scientist is some kind of super villain that Police Dad had hunted in the past.  Really.

[...]

Starkwell: WHAT A CONFUSING MESS, FUCK YOU, MOVIE.

[Pete pees blood, they show it.]

Lovelock: I don’t feel so good.

[Lovelock passes out.]

Starkwell: Confusing and uncomfortable mess.

[...]

[Police Dad finds a casket in the foundation of his house.]

Lovelock: Why was he looking for that?

Starkwell: I’m certain that I don’t know.  I’m not entirely sure that the film makers know either.

[...]

We do finally get the back story.  The Dad’s girlfriend explained the whole thing to Pete.  Pete seems to understand, I sure don’t.  I guess the Mad Scientist from the chicken video killed Pete’s mom years ago, while she was working for him.  The casket is still not explained.

[...]

[The drugs take hold of Pete, he follows his dad to the lab, and helps the Mad Doctor capture him.]

Starkwell: Why do we care, what the hell?

[Lovelock didn’t say anything.  He’s so confused that I think his brain is actually broken.]

[...]

So under the Mad Scientist spell, Pete cuts himself a couple of times.  Then Mad Scientist orders Pete to kill his father and, THEN PLOT TWIST, Pete stabs the Scientist and says “YOU ARE MY FATHER”.  So I guess Police Dad’s wife was a cheatin’ bitch and this movie plain sucks.  The end.

The Thirsty Dead.

What little info you will find out there about the mid-seventies turd known as “The Thirsty Dead” will inform you that it is in fact, going to be a turd.  Also that it seems like it ended the career of writer-director Terry Becker.  And that means, I really want Lovelock and Starkwell to find out why.

[...]

[Shot of a sunset, then the title, and then a few minutes of a half naked girl dancing in front of a bunch of horny sailors.]

Starkwell: A strong start.

[Dancer Girl hears a radio broadcast about disappearing women.  And then she is abducted.]

Lovelock: Well, give it some credit, it’s moving fast.

[...]

[Another girl is taken.  This time we see the abductors, they look like hooded monks.]

Lovelock:  Oh no!  Kidnapped by Jawas!

Starkwell: For some reason I feel like you’ve made that joke before.

Lovelock: You’re wrong.

[...]

The cloaked abductors, looking an awful lot like a pretentious Doom/Drone metal band, put the girls on a row boat and paddle them into… a jungle?

[...]

Starkwell: Where were they before that they can be paddled into the rainforest somehow?

Lovelock: Manila.

Starkwell: Oh… right.

Lovelock: And why is that one bitch so excited to become a sex slave?

Starkwell: I’m assuming it is to titillate the male audience.

Lovelock: Why would the leader of the Filipino Monk Kidnapping Gang be a Euro-Trash looking dude with a white man afro and big shiny fucking medallions?

Starkwell: Keep us guessing I guess.

Lovelock: Is that a frozen head?

Starkwell: Holy shit check out his cape!

[...]

This type of dialogue went on for a while, as they grew more confused by the slow-moving film that seemed to have a million things going on.  I couldn’t possibly document all of their questions.  On-screen, the four girls that were kidnapped early on are bathed and sent to some sort of luxury prison cell.  One of the girls, Laura, is apparently their… savor… or something?  Anyways, she is given a luxury suite.

[...]

Lovelock: So… when are we going to see some of these thirsty dead I read about in the title?

[Creepy decaying hand wakes Laura in her sleep and decomposing-ish woman talks to Laura.]

Starkwell: Good?

Lovelock: Hardly.  Was she undead or just in need of a shower?

Starkwell: Probably both.

[...]

Then Laura watches some kind of interpretive dance play about the society’s history and her new part in it.  Lovelock falls asleep for a while.

[...]

Lovelock:  Why is his cape SO long, but his robe SO short?  That is WAY more dude leg then we need to see.

Starkwell: It’s shorter than the female robes.

[...]

Then there’s this ceremony where they lay all the women out and draw blood from them to drink.  Lovelock is really growing tired of this shit.  Starkwell, apparently, already left.  Where’d he go? Nobody knows.

[...]

[Laura is thrown into a room full of old zombie women?  I think?]

Lovelock: Aw just kill her and end this fucking movie.

[...]

After a couple more dance sequences and people talking to a frozen head, the girls escape to a nearby village, but Cult Leader Euro-Trash Guy that looks like he belongs in a bad Star Trek episode catches up to them and brings them back.

[...]

Lovelock: I feel like his robe is getting shorter.

[...]

[Then Captain Short Robe lets all of the zombies loose.]

Lovelock: So… the zombies are actually just really old dried up and used women?

[...]

Whether or not that even makes any sense, it doesn’t stop Lovelock from enjoying seeing the old decomposing hags tear apart some of the cult members.  And in the end, three out of four of the ladies get away.  Lovelock was hoping none would.  THIS MOVIE SUCKS.

I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I..

Writer / director of the film, Marius Penczner has only one other credit to his name, that I can gather.  “ZZ Top: Greatest Hits”.  So… Umm… where to begin?  Black and white, zombie comedy, early eighties… involving alien zombie infestations and the F.B.I.?  The potential is through the damn roof.  It just blew the roof right off.  But… potential don’t make a movie.  Unfortunately.  If I had a nickel for every “well it seemed good on paper” that I’ve shown Lovelock and Starkwell… well then I’d probably have more time and money to write.

[...]

[Two thieves, the Brazzo brothers are on a plane, destined for prison.]

Starkwell: Is the whole movie going to look this awful?

Lovelock: The town is called ‘Pleasantville’?

Starkwell: What in the Hell is this soundtrack?

Lovelock: Annoying and distracting.

Starkwell: The radar shots seem like stock footage…

[...]

The music is not only distracting, it’s irritating and is starting to stress everyone out.  Finally the music stops when the plane seemingly explodes.  But then more music starts up.  The FBI agent characters seem dumb as a post.  The Brazzo brothers wake up and seem to be held captive somewhere in a room.

[...]

[Or wait, they’re not being held captive… now they seem to be holding hostages in the UNI-COLA headquarters.  And there’s a magic ball that is making people go all zombie?]

Starkwell: What the… I give up. Plus I can’t handle the fucking soundtrack.  FUUUuuUUUUUCK this.

[Starkwell leaves… Lovelock isn’t any clearer on what’s going on, but he seems to be almost hypnotized by the irritating soundtrack.]

[...]

Lovelock: Either I missed “chapter two” or it jumped directly from one to three…  I’m not sure.  Maybe I just fell asleep at one point.

[...]

Lovelock: So the zombies look like humans and use a magic ball to make zombies and want the Brazzo brothers to steal them a soda recipe?

[...]

Lovelock: That’s like the sphere in “Phantasm” but without the gore or any of the FUCK YOU.

[...]

Puzzled by the music playing in the background, I decided to search the internet… APPARENTLY the original version didn’t have this shitty CONSTANT music playing.  It would appear the DVD release has been tampered with GEORGE LUCAS style.  The difference is that I don’t think anyone involved with the making of the film actually had anything to do with this shitty DVD release.  SO it's simply someone ruining someone else's already pretty fucking bad movie.  Why anyone would try and make an exceptionally low budget MORE unwatchable is totally beyond me.  Anyways, this movie is a piece of shit, borderline unwatchable, ESPECIALLY with the music and added visuals.  Lovelock hangs on until the end but has a look on his face THE WHOLE TIME like his nuts are being stepped on or that he is about to violently shit his pants.

[...]

Lovelock: This.  Movie.  Sucks.

[...]

It is mind boggling that anyone would take a movie from the eighties, release it on DVD while adding shitty generic late nineties drum machine garbage ALL THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE. I can’t stress enough how bad this is.  If the music hadn’t been added to the DVD, this would be a boring, bad movie.  With the added music… it’s one of the hardest things to sit through EVER CREATED IN THE HISTORY OF MAN.

[...]

Lovelock: There’s a featurette about the NEW ADDED SOUNDS?

[...]

I showed this to Lovelock and he simultaneously punched a hole in the wall and shit his pants.  The DVD Producers really thought they were making something great here.  Baffling.

Day of the Dead.

The third film in Romero’s series of ‘dead’ movies is often overlooked.  Not generally considered to be as groundbreaking as ‘night’ or ‘dawn’, “Day of the Dead” is not without its original ideas and wonderfully horrifying scenes of gore, human misery, despair and ugliness.  Also, in its own way, it was kind of fucking groundbreaking too.  The film opens with Sarah and her crew of super friends exploring an abandoned city in a helicopter.  They yell out with a bullhorn asking if anyone can hear them.

[...]

[Zombies wake up all over town and start heading towards the soldiers and their helicopters.]

Lovelock: In five minutes, this film already surpasses SO MANY others.

Starkwell: Tom Savini FOR THE WIN.

[They head back to their underground base.  Soldier Boy Miguel is STRESSED.]

Lovelock: I’d keep an eye on that Miguel.

[...]

It’s clear that the troops are getting restless.  Miguel looks like he’s about to hang himself and Helicopter Pilot John wants to go find an island somewhere and party until the world ends.  As soon as they get back two meathead soldiers take Sarah and Miguel on a mission to round up a couple more zombies for Mad Scientist Logan’s experiments.  Miguel fucks up, so then he gets even more crazy and strung out.

[...]

[Miguel slaps Sarah in the face.]

Lovelock: Best line ever – “You made me feel like a piece of shit.”

Starkwell: If I had a nickel for every time I said that to a lady…

[...]

Anyways, I usually have more fun documenting Starkwell and Lovelock’s conversations when they are ridiculing the movie.  For the next little while, they seemed to only have nice things to say.  There were even some high fives administered.  We see Bub for the first time and they’re all “AW YEAH” and so on.  As the movie starts playing out, it becomes clear that the military dudes there to defend and protect the scientists don’t want to defend and protect anymore. They don’t approve of Dr. Logan’s hippy dippy ‘can’t we all get along’ plan with the zombies.

[...]

[The soldiers start acting like real hard-ons, even pulling guns on the scientists.]

Lovelock: Fuckin’ weekend warriors.

Starkwell: Why is the pilot smiling?  They’re threatening him too…

Lovelock: On an unrelated note, where is Sarah getting all that make-up?

Starkwell: Sometimes, you surprise me.

[...]

Sarah kicks Miguel out of her room, due to his increased instability and, likely, her huge decrease in EVER wanting to bone him again.  So she goes and joins Pilot John and McDermott in their trailer to get drunk.  As Dr. Logan talks up his theories and the soldiers are seen fighting one another and acting all crazy, Starkwell has been making the usual “in this life, who are the real monsters?” type of comments.

[...]

[Sarah is introduced to Bub.]

Lovelock: I don’t like Bub.

Starkwell: Shut up, Logan’s training him!

Lovelock: Well I don’t like him.

Starkwell: He’s literally a blueprint for every actor who’s ever played a zombie since.

Lovelock: I don’t like him.  Zombies are lame.  You're not supposed to like a zombie.

[Head soldier Rhodes doesn’t approve yells at Logan.]

Lovelock: I like Rhodes though.

Starkwell: Right.

Lovelock: Zombies learning shit? I don’t know…

[...]

Romero explored this even further in “Land of the Dead”, but before Lovelock and Starkwell could really discuss any further, all Hell started breaking loose, Miguel was bitten along with another one of the soldiers.  Sarah amputated Miguel’s bite area and is planning on keeping him alive… Rhodes and his Goon Squad flip the fuck out, and tell her, basically, ‘fuck this shit, good luck without us’.

[...]

[Rhodes and Goon Squad find out that Logan has been feeding Bub dead soldiers.]

Lovelock: This isn’t going to end well.

[Rhodes blows Logan away.]

Lovelock: There it is.  See… Bub is toxic.  Nobody likes him!

[...]

Rhodes kills another scientist in cold blood, and then tries to convince John to take Rhodes and Goon Squad away from this place in the whirlybird.  Sarah and McDermott are thrown into the tunnels where all the zombies are and have to fend for themselves.  There are plenty of scares, good kills, Lovelock’s nervous farts and Starkwell talking about “who the real monsters are”.

[...]

[Bub sees dead Logan and is heart… broken… ?]

Lovelock: Well, I’ve found the part of this movie I don’t fucking like.

Starkwell: Romero’s allowed.

[Soldier gets ripped apart in one of the most impressive gore shots ever.]

Lovelock: Tom Savini is the real star of this film.

[...]

After a bunch more sweet kills and a soldier blowing his own brains out, Bub chases after Rhodes with a gun, shooting at him… successfully.  I guess because Rhodes killed his master (?).  Rhodes is shot and then torn apart by a bajillion zombies.  Lovelock wanted to be mad about the whole ‘Bub King of the Zombies with gun abilities and learned behavior’ thing going on, but was far too happy about Tom Savini’s brilliant mayhem on display.  Also Starkwell told him he was missing the point.  And then, it actually ends on a happy note, with Sarah waking up on an island paradise with John and McDermott fishing on the beach.  Nice.

Love After Death.

I have no idea what the fuck this is gonna be about.  The film starts off at a guy’s funeral.  Though he looks dead, he appears to still be able to see what is going on, as his wife, doctor and friends look down at his corpse in his casket.  Then he’s buried.  Is he dead?  Is he alive?  Who knows?

[...]

[The wife, and other men at the funeral, look at each other and smile.]

Lovelock: Ummm…. ?

Starkwell: Wait the title says it’s called “Unsatisfied Love”?

Lovelock: Usually movies with many titles are terrible.

Starkwell: And that’s based on?

Lovelock: Nothing I guess.  Well… this movie, so far.

[...]

After an incredibly long driving scene, we see Montel (the dead guy) rise up out of his grave.  It’s pretty funny because you can see that the actor put cotton balls in his ears and nose so that no dirt would get in it.  But on a whole, it’s a pretty cool scene, especially for the late sixties.

[...]

[Cut to the widow, having her boobies felt up by the doctor, she told the doctor that she is A VIRGIN.]

Lovelock: Montel probably died from blue balls.

Starkwell: I don’t think you can die from that.

Lovelock: You can if you blow your fucking brains out.

[...]

At this point there is an incredibly long and drawn out scene where Montel knocks a girl out in an alley, breaks into a nearby house, undresses her, feels her up and kisses her body parts, at which point she wakes up and… tells him to screw her?  But then he runs away… Seriously it’s a REALLY long scene.  Starkwell leaves.  Lovelock stays, confused, alone, scared.

[...]

[Montel hides in a dressing room and watches a transvestite SLOWLY undress herself/himself.]

Lovelock: Umm…?

[Cut to, an apartment, two women are making out and undressing each other.]

Lovelock: Right because that’s super relevant to the story.  Oh wait, there is no story.

[The lesbian scene lasts, a few minutes, then Montel hides in the closet.  The lesbians find him and want him to join in… but he runs away… scared?]

Lovelock: Dude.  Seriously?

[...]

At this point Lovelock realizes that there has been insanely little dialogue, and that most of this movie has been people groping one another.

[...]

Lovelock: What’s with the close-ups on the eyes and/or lips?  Why are they holding the keys like that?  HE JUST MET THAT WOMAN ON THE STREET, why would she invite him in and then strip?  What planet is this?

[...]

Sometime after another five minutes of Montel pulling off a woman’s panties and fondling her butt, it looks like he actually finished the job this time, and did sex all on that woman.  And then they finally developed more of the story.  It turns out that the bitch wife buried him alive… on purpose.  So… he’s not a zombie?

[...]

[Montel breaks into an apartment, watches a couple do it, then he… knocks the guy out and does the girl?]

Lovelock: Did she not notice that it’s a different guy?

[...]

Montel eventually tracks down his widow, kills the doctor, and then starts… raping his former wife?  And she’s into it?  Oh wait, he’s not into it anymore, he slaps her in the face and eventually chokes her.  But then… twist ending… he vanishes into thin air.  So... he was dead?  FUCK THIS SHIT.  It's a late sixties soft core porn living dead film that isn't good at being a soft core porn or effective at being a living dead film.

Mutants.

Actor Michael Ironside and a cast of moderately familiar faces lead this modern-ish sci-fi thing about a pharma company poisoning people and making them zombie.  Sounds familiar?  Yeah that’s because it’s unoriginal as balls.  HERE WE GOOOoooo…  The movie starts and both the music and the dialogue immediately make us feel like we should know what is going on.  We don’t.

[...]

[Opening credits and then flashback as guy tells story of what the hell is going on.]

Starkwell: The music is so epic.  The on-screen action, very much not.

Lovelock: You got to hand it to them for trying.

Starkwell: I most certainly do NOT.

[...]

Both the lighting and picture quality make it impossible to see what is going.  The confusing story elements make it harder to know what is going on.  What a shame.

[...]

[Dudes in gas masks locate and kill some infected girl and throw her in an incinerator.]

Lovelock: Lucky for them she was hiding out NEAR A GIANT INCINERATOR.

Starkwell: Why the gas masks?  They just took them off.  What the fuck?

[...]

[Car drives by and some of the numbers and letters on the license plate are partially covered with what looks like masking tape.]

Lovelock: Well, that’s one way to not show a license plate…

Starkwell: They were probably worried someone would run the plate and arrest them for making this film.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course the head scientist has a terrible EURO accent.

Starkwell: Is that Russian, German…? Umm… Pakistani?

Lovelock: His accent is as confused as the people that wrote this piece of shit.

[The narrator informs us that he’s a Soviet Scientist.]

Starkwell: I’m guessing they went the ‘narrated flashback’ route so that they could do their best to navigate around the plot holes and explain anything that isn't clear.  Which is everything.

Lovelock: The true sign of a lazy writer.

Starkwell: It doesn’t say much when you ASSUME the audience won’t know what the hell is going on f you don’t stop and explain everything.

Lovelock: Actually it says a lot.  Mostly bad things.

Starkwell: Mostly?

Lovelock: Ok… entirely.

[...]

It was completely unnecessary to make the scientist Russian.  All it’s doing is pissing everyone off with the bullshit fucking accent.  Twenty-five minutes in and we’re still in the flashback.  Michael Ironside has been in one scene.  The first minute.  We are starting to see some of the infected people acting all rabid and whatnot.  The film tries to develop character, mystery and intrigue, but it only develops headaches, boredom and indigestion.

[...]

Starkwell: When will micro budget movies learn that they can’t make a huge “epic” on a crapballs budget?

Lovelock: Around the same time we’ll learn to stop watching micro budget crapballs movies, probably.

[...]

Through the magic of fast forward, I move us quickly into a part of the film where something happens.  We finally see some ‘zombies’as well as some of the worst fighting I’ve ever seen.

[...]

Starkwell: For a former NAVY SEAL, that dude fights like a real weenie.

[...]

With ten minutes left, Ironside returns.  His actual acting ability only helps accentuate how bad the rest of this film is.  His character is attempting to wipe everyone out so the infection doesn’t reach the population.  If only he could wipe the existence of this film next.

[...]

Starkwell: That actor smiled after he got shot!  Come on.

[...]

The infection got out.  The end.  But not before a long music video of people putting sugar into everything they eat.  Oh, did I ever mention it was bad sugar that was infecting people?  Well, it is.