Diary Of The Dead.

People like to crap all over the second Romero dead trilogy, but I honestly thought “Land of the Dead” was good.  There’s something comforting about a zombie film made by Romero.  It’s like listening to an old favorite band that is sort of phoning it in, but I mean, come on, they’re still fun.  Unfortunately, this usually is the beginning of the end for a band/director, and eventually they start sounding/looking like the people originally imitating them.  Like when Weezer starts sounding like a Weezer cover band.  Or when Romero makes “Diary of the Dead”, basically.  But at least at that point they haven’t totally gone off the fucking deep end, hit rock bottom, and made “Survival of the Dead”.  I'll save that complete fucking turd for another day… of the dead.

[...]

[Intro, FOUND FOOTAGE style.]

Starkwell: Proof that even the greats succumb to shitty fads.

Lovelock: So Romero saw "REC" and was like, hey didn’t I kind of make that?  No?  Okay, maybe I should?

[The acting looks like, well, it won’t be very good.]

Starkwell: “Land” had a decent cast, I guess this one… doesn’t?

[...]

Now we get the intro of the “FILM WITHIN A FILM” called “The Death of a Dream”…  Basically people were making horror film, and eventually zombies rolled in, and so they kept rolling.  AND THEN some annoying girl took all of this footage and edited together this “Death of a Dream” movie… about the outbreak.  So I guess the zombie outbreak ended and she had time to edit this, narrate it, add music and… show it to all of us?  I don’t get it.

[...]

[FIRST PERSON VIEW going through dark and scary empty dorms.]

Starkwell: Definitely has a video game kind of feel.

Lovelock: Complete with “First Resident Evil's live action scenes” level of acting and dialogue.

Starkwell: So who's the master of unlocking?

[Groan.]

[...]

Then the main girl Deb says she wants to go home to Scranton, Pennsylvania.  Then, rather than listening to the shit dialogue, Starkwell and Lovelock started talking about “The Office”.   The ‘gang’ are driving in some sort of RV.  They see their first zombies and run them over, pretty nonchalantly.  Then, after, they all freak out?

[...]

[They pull over, and the girl that was driving blows her own brains out.]

Starkwell: That seemed a bit… sudden.  Kind of an overreaction...

Lovelock: I don’t think ANYONE would react that severely, even if they were real people.

[They go to a hospital, because she still has a pulse.]

Lovelock: She can't drive, OR blow her own brains out?

Starkwell: So what they were driving along the highway and they just happened to be right next to a hospital, right as the driver shot herself in the face?

Lovelock: SWISS CHEESE PLOT.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock are really having problems with this one.  On the bright side, the zombies look great (one thing Romero always gets right), and there are some decent scares her in the hospital.  There are some CG effects in the mix and they aren’t great, though.

[...]

Starkwell: HOLY BALLS THE DIALOG IS BAD.

[...]

Romero is clearly trying to make a point that in this age of information, too many people are filming, there are eyes everywhere, no one is living, people want to see life filtered through a camera, through TV, and through BLABLABLA… to be honest he is FULLY beating his point to DEATH, unnecessarily so, and on top of that, it feels like he is trying to say more than one thing (?).  He could have focused more on action and building characters and been more subtle about his point(s).  We are the walking dead, yeah I get it.

[...]

[They meet a deaf Amish farmer and use his barn to fix their RV.]

Lovelock: Good thing the Dumb Blonde knows how to fix the… fuel line?

Starkwell: This is some gang they’ve put together.

[Zombies close in on them.]

Lovelock: He’s not doing a very good job at building tension.  I honestly don’t feel worried at all.

Starkwell: To be fair, that’s mostly because you don’t give a shit about the characters.

[...]

Then the Amish guy dies almost immediately, making him as pointless as all of the rest of the characters in this movie.  Then they meet some black dudes… ‘gangstas’ I guess.  THEN THEY SHOW MAIN CHARACTER JASON and THE NERD GUY EDITING THE MOVIE.  Scenes we’ve already seen.  The movie within the movie within the movie within the movie?  I don’t know how many levels down we’re diving.  But I’m pretty sure we’re swimming in the deep end.  Of a pool of shit.

[...]

[Zombie takes a bottle of hydrochloric acid to the head and it slowly melts.]

Lovelock: Probably sounded better on paper.  Because fucknuts that looked bad.

[...]

Really just feels like a movie written by an old out of touch guy.  I guess it was.  And by the way, the old professor in the gang has a fucking bow and arrow now.  The gang now goes to their rich friend’s house, but he’s gone crazy after killing his whole family after they done gone zombie.  It’s a super long and dragged out scene that doesn’t really go anywhere until he goes zombie too.

[...]

[Main character films zombie running after Blondie, and, doesn’t help her.]

Starkwell: This movie is dumb.

Lovelock: At least we got to see dem boobies.

[...]

Anyways, the main character dies and the movie ends, after some more cheesy dialog asking whether we, as a species, are worth saving. Ugh.  I'm surprised that Lovelock didn't say "diarrhea the dead' at some point... Seems like a missed opportunity.

Night of the Living Dead.

The Internet Movie Database describes this film as “a group of people hide from bloodthirsty zombies in a farmhouse”.  Seems like a fairly simple premise, and it is.  The film never actually calls them zombies.  They're ghouls, or something... Either way, this simple idea picked up steam, and has become the gold standard for zombie films.  It re-defined a genre, so much so, that “purists” will dismiss more traditional zombie films as “not a real zombie movie” even when they pre-date Romero’s classic.  Anyways, nothing can be said about the film that hasn’t already been said, so let’s just let Starkwell and Lovelock enjoy it, and say goofy meaningless shit.  What a perfect film to be the three hundredth film to make its way to Zombie Hall.

[...]

[Nerdlinger John complains about visiting his father’s grave on behalf of his old mom.]

Starkwell: So, John’s a huge dick?

[John continues to complain.  He sees a dude wandering aimlessly around the graveyard.]

Lovelock: Oh God, John better die.  Hard.

Starkwell: Die hard?

Lovelock: Welcome to the party.

[John tells a story about how he used to scare her as a kid, and then, he delivers the famous, “they’re coming to get you Barbra”.]

Starkwell: Even as a kid he was a dick?

Lovelock: Once a dick always a dick.

[Zombie Hinzman kills John.]

Lovelock: Immediately giving us what we want!

[...]

Barbra makes her getaway and Lovelock and Starkwell CHEER HER ON.  She finds the farmhouse and begins to explore the inside as she hides from Zombie Hinzman.  The phone? Dead.  The music? Stressful.  The Atmosphere?  Perfect.  The zombies? Multiplying.

[...]

[Barbra finds a dead body, and meets Ben.]

Lovelock: Dude, sweet cardigan.

[Ben takes down some zombies with a tire iron.]

Starkwell: Cool, collected, stylish.

Lovelock: The ultimate hero.

Starkwell: Although, he’s awfully sweaty.  Maybe he should think about taking off that sweet cardigan.

Lovelock: You take that back!

[...]

How could Romero get it so right on the first try?  The zombies are fucking perfect.  There’s a touch of “Last Man on Earth” with a sprinkle of “Plague of the Zombies”, but seriously, there was nothing else quite like it at the time (from what I read anyways).

[...]

Lovelock: Is it just me, or is Barbra kind of phoning it in?  LIFT UP A FUCKING HAMMER.

Starkwell: She’s in shock.

Lovelock: WHAT A FUCKING BABY.  Multi-tasking man extraordinaire, A.K.A. Ben, is telling stories, boarding up the house and rocking a cardigan.

[Cardigan is off.]

Lovelock: Aw mannnnn…

[...]

Barbra starts telling her story about John and FREAKS OUT, Ben is all “bitch calm down” basically.  Eventually he punches her in the face and Lovelock played air guitar.

[...]

[Ben listens to news report.]

Lovelock: I hope the reporter says it may be due to “wacky tabacky”.

[...]

The zombies seem to hate fire and are afraid of flames, which sparked a conversation between Lovelock and Starkwell as to why so-called zombie “purists” always get hung up on the “running versus walking” issue, but never mention the whole “fear of flames” thing… Further proof that people should just shut up and open their minds.

[...]

[News report mentions that victims of the ‘murderers’ have been partially devoured.]

Lovelock: There it is.  The invention of a genre.

Starkwell: People must have been freaking out.

Lovelock: I wish I could go back in time and have not seen all of the post-Romero films and see this movie with a clear head and totally shit my pants forever.

[Don’t we all…  Well except for the pants shitting.]

[...]

[Ben figures out that you have to shoot them in the head.]

Lovelock: There it is.

Starkwell: But again, people hold on to that one, but not the flames thing?  Strange.

[...]

Barbra and Ben meet Harry and Tom.  Harry decides that he wants to stay down in the cellar, Tom wants to stay upstairs.  They also meet up with Judy, Helen and Tom’s sick daughter, but, basically none of their opinions, nor Barbra’s really matters. They just do as their husbands say, essentially.

[...]

Lovelock: So the ladies are basically useless?

Starkwell: Seriously, Tom isn’t even counting them as people… “The three of us”…

Lovelock: You skirts ain’t worth a damn in a crisis.

Starkwell: They certainly aren’t helping their cause by sitting around not doing anything.

[...]

Judy ends up downstairs with Helen and Harry’s sick kid, while the rest sit around upstairs arguing about this and that.  Harry is easily the biggest piece of shit in the Universe.  Harry’s wife Helen finally speaks up, at least, and shits on her husband, but just as she is asking if she can do anything to help, Ben and Harry totally speak over her, interrupt her and have their own conversation, fully ignoring her and continuing to make all ladies feel and be useless.

[...]

[News report informs them that the killers are UNDEAD!]

Lovelock: I’m so happy.  I feel like I’m watching how life was created.

Starkwell: More like UN-life.

[...]

After the long news report explaining to us, the viewers, just what in the Hell is going on, Ben hatches a plan to get out of the house and take the truck to get to a rescue station.

[...]

[Tom convinces Judy that leaving is the right thing to do.]

Lovelock: Took him long enough.

[Tom tells Judy that she is of no use at all.]

Starkwell: Wait what?  Is that really what he said? Harsh.

[It seems that the ladies are just there to look pretty and smile.]

[...]

[Tom and Judy go get the truck, truck catches fire, Judy’s jacket gets caught, Tom tries to help her, truck blows up, they blow up.]

Starkwell: Of course, it's her fault.

Lovelock: That's why you just can't trust women with anything... apparently...

Starkwell: Wasn’t this when feminism or women's lib or whatever was getting started and going strong and whatnot?

Lovelock: Well, technically, she did burn her bra.

[...]

Ben runs back to the house, Harry does little to help him out, so Ben, obviously, beats the shit out of him.  Lovelock and Starkwell celebrate with a high five.  Then we see some serious flesh eating and it’s honestly still pretty fucked up and shocking.  They celebrated again, but this time with a series of roundhouse kicks.

[...]

[The kid becomes zombie, since she was infected by THE BITE.]

Lovelock: So this really did start it all…

Starkwell: But, again, why does no one care about the flamophobia angle?

[The brain of the ghoul has been activated by the radiation, destroy the brain, destroy the ghoul.]

Starkwell: But don’t worry about the fire thing?  No one will remember that one?  WHAT THE FUCK?

Lovelock: Please drop it.  Forever.  Starting… NOW.

[...]

Hell starts breaking loose.  Ben shoots Harry with his gun and Harry ends up in the cellar with his daughter who promptly starts eating him.  Then she kills her mom with a shovel.  And eats her.  Starkwell and Lovelock are sitting on the absolute edge of their seats.  No sounds coming from them, except the occasional nervous fart from Lovelock.  Barbra finally wakes the fuck up and starts helping, but it is WAY too little too late, as she immediately encounters her zombie brother Johnny who grabs her and, I assume, rips her apart and eats her with all of his ghoul friends.

[...]

[Ben goes down to the cellar and ices zombie Harry and Helen.  But then he is SWARMED…  And yet he MAKES IT!]

Lovelock: He’s still pretty calm and collected, but I can’t help but wish he’d put his cardigan back on.

[...]

Morning eventually comes, and a bunch of local militia, redneck weekend warriors and National Guard seem to have things under control.  They come upon the farmhouse and as Ben slowly exits to signal that he is still alive, they, rather casually, exterminate him with a shot right between the eyes.  Just another one for the fire.  Seriously, this film deserves all of the praise that it gets.  Nearly fifty years old, and it can still shock, surprise and delight.

[...]

Lovelock: If he'd been wearing his cardigan, I bet they wouldn't have shot him.

Day of the Dead.

The third film in Romero’s series of ‘dead’ movies is often overlooked.  Not generally considered to be as groundbreaking as ‘night’ or ‘dawn’, “Day of the Dead” is not without its original ideas and wonderfully horrifying scenes of gore, human misery, despair and ugliness.  Also, in its own way, it was kind of fucking groundbreaking too.  The film opens with Sarah and her crew of super friends exploring an abandoned city in a helicopter.  They yell out with a bullhorn asking if anyone can hear them.

[...]

[Zombies wake up all over town and start heading towards the soldiers and their helicopters.]

Lovelock: In five minutes, this film already surpasses SO MANY others.

Starkwell: Tom Savini FOR THE WIN.

[They head back to their underground base.  Soldier Boy Miguel is STRESSED.]

Lovelock: I’d keep an eye on that Miguel.

[...]

It’s clear that the troops are getting restless.  Miguel looks like he’s about to hang himself and Helicopter Pilot John wants to go find an island somewhere and party until the world ends.  As soon as they get back two meathead soldiers take Sarah and Miguel on a mission to round up a couple more zombies for Mad Scientist Logan’s experiments.  Miguel fucks up, so then he gets even more crazy and strung out.

[...]

[Miguel slaps Sarah in the face.]

Lovelock: Best line ever – “You made me feel like a piece of shit.”

Starkwell: If I had a nickel for every time I said that to a lady…

[...]

Anyways, I usually have more fun documenting Starkwell and Lovelock’s conversations when they are ridiculing the movie.  For the next little while, they seemed to only have nice things to say.  There were even some high fives administered.  We see Bub for the first time and they’re all “AW YEAH” and so on.  As the movie starts playing out, it becomes clear that the military dudes there to defend and protect the scientists don’t want to defend and protect anymore. They don’t approve of Dr. Logan’s hippy dippy ‘can’t we all get along’ plan with the zombies.

[...]

[The soldiers start acting like real hard-ons, even pulling guns on the scientists.]

Lovelock: Fuckin’ weekend warriors.

Starkwell: Why is the pilot smiling?  They’re threatening him too…

Lovelock: On an unrelated note, where is Sarah getting all that make-up?

Starkwell: Sometimes, you surprise me.

[...]

Sarah kicks Miguel out of her room, due to his increased instability and, likely, her huge decrease in EVER wanting to bone him again.  So she goes and joins Pilot John and McDermott in their trailer to get drunk.  As Dr. Logan talks up his theories and the soldiers are seen fighting one another and acting all crazy, Starkwell has been making the usual “in this life, who are the real monsters?” type of comments.

[...]

[Sarah is introduced to Bub.]

Lovelock: I don’t like Bub.

Starkwell: Shut up, Logan’s training him!

Lovelock: Well I don’t like him.

Starkwell: He’s literally a blueprint for every actor who’s ever played a zombie since.

Lovelock: I don’t like him.  Zombies are lame.  You're not supposed to like a zombie.

[Head soldier Rhodes doesn’t approve yells at Logan.]

Lovelock: I like Rhodes though.

Starkwell: Right.

Lovelock: Zombies learning shit? I don’t know…

[...]

Romero explored this even further in “Land of the Dead”, but before Lovelock and Starkwell could really discuss any further, all Hell started breaking loose, Miguel was bitten along with another one of the soldiers.  Sarah amputated Miguel’s bite area and is planning on keeping him alive… Rhodes and his Goon Squad flip the fuck out, and tell her, basically, ‘fuck this shit, good luck without us’.

[...]

[Rhodes and Goon Squad find out that Logan has been feeding Bub dead soldiers.]

Lovelock: This isn’t going to end well.

[Rhodes blows Logan away.]

Lovelock: There it is.  See… Bub is toxic.  Nobody likes him!

[...]

Rhodes kills another scientist in cold blood, and then tries to convince John to take Rhodes and Goon Squad away from this place in the whirlybird.  Sarah and McDermott are thrown into the tunnels where all the zombies are and have to fend for themselves.  There are plenty of scares, good kills, Lovelock’s nervous farts and Starkwell talking about “who the real monsters are”.

[...]

[Bub sees dead Logan and is heart… broken… ?]

Lovelock: Well, I’ve found the part of this movie I don’t fucking like.

Starkwell: Romero’s allowed.

[Soldier gets ripped apart in one of the most impressive gore shots ever.]

Lovelock: Tom Savini is the real star of this film.

[...]

After a bunch more sweet kills and a soldier blowing his own brains out, Bub chases after Rhodes with a gun, shooting at him… successfully.  I guess because Rhodes killed his master (?).  Rhodes is shot and then torn apart by a bajillion zombies.  Lovelock wanted to be mad about the whole ‘Bub King of the Zombies with gun abilities and learned behavior’ thing going on, but was far too happy about Tom Savini’s brilliant mayhem on display.  Also Starkwell told him he was missing the point.  And then, it actually ends on a happy note, with Sarah waking up on an island paradise with John and McDermott fishing on the beach.  Nice.

Dawn of the Dead.

I won’t bother telling you what this is.  I can’t imagine anyone would be reading “Zombie Hall” and have never seen this.  Today, Lovelock and Starkwell will be watching the US Theatrical Version.  Or at least, that’s what the Anchor Bay release says it is.

[...]

[Television station, in panic mode.  They are talking of the walking dead.]

Starkwell: I can count on my hands the number of men without a moustache or beard.

Lovelock: I got zero.

[...]

[Guy does ‘bunny ears’ behind doctor guy on TV.]

Starkwell: All Hell is breaking loose and this guy is all “Hee hee, bunny ears!  Now everyone will see him with bunny ears on TV.”

Lovelock: Well, pretty soon he'll be dead.

[...]

[Starkwell and Lovelock have decided to turn a blind eye to the white guy made up to look like…]

Lovelock: Native American?

Starkwell: Filipino?

Lovelock: Cuban?

Starkwell: African American?

Lovelock: Should we be talking about this?

[...]

[Enter the zombies.]

Lovelock:  I can see where Blue Man Group got all of their ideas.  And I don’t mean the ass kicking “Goblin” soundtrack.

[...]

[SWAT team bashes down door, door explodes with zombies.]

Starkwell: That one SWAT guy was clearly laughing.

[The two heroes find a room full of feasting zombies.]

Lovelock: Soooooooo… explain to me again why we would ever need to watch another zombie movie again after 1978?

[...]

[Fly Boy tackles a zombie.]

Lovelock: That is the lamest tackle I have ever seen.

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t he have just used the hammer?

[...]

Romero then introduces the mall, and there’s a little bit of an awkward line, wherein the character literally says “that’s one of those big shopping malls.”  Maybe it was still pretty new back then, and some viewers wouldn’t have known.  

[...]

[There was also a pretty great shout out to SPAM, bragging that you don’t need a can opener, and that it has its own key.]

Starkwell: Could this have been early product placement?

[...]

As the heroes bunkered down and secured the mall, enjoyed a shopping spree or two and offed some more zombies, Lovelock and Starkwell stayed quiet, mesmerized by the Godfather of the modern day zombie film.

[...]

[Hare Krishna zombie comes for Fran.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never give money to those guys.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why… in case they turn into zombies and come after you.

Lovelock: Well also because of those tambourines.

[...]

[Fran lights a flare, waves it in zombie’s face.]

Starkwell: Solid plan, Fran.

[...]

[Fran makes perfectly reasonable demands, Fly Boy flips the fuck out.]

Lovelock: What an asshole.  I hope he dies.

Starkwell: I’d like to see more from Professor Eye Patch on the TV.

[...]

[Roger yeehaws, a little too much.]

Starkwell: And just like that, Roger is broken.

Lovelock: Perfect, baby.  Perfect.

[...]

Starkwell: Two things, one, how the hell did Fran shoot so perfectly from so far away, for her first ever shot?

Lovelock: What’s the second thing?

Starkwell: How did the actor playing that one zombie not laugh?  He stared directly at Roger’s asshole with his mouth wide open.

[...]

Starkwell: They never really explained how and why FLAMES seems to scare them…

Lovelock: Romero invented this shit, he can make it up as he goes along as far as I’m concerned.

[...]

After they locked up the mall, and finished hunting zombies, Lovelock did at least five jump kicks and then rocked the air guitar.  Starkwell, the more pretentious of the two, played air keytar.

[...]

Starkwell: Of course Peter puts a fur coat on.

[...]

Lovelock: Peter referencing voodoo was a nice touch.

[...]

Starkwell: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but can we please hear more from Professor Eye Patch.

[Roger turns, Peter shoots, they bury him in a fake tree display, and then… have date night?]

Lovelock: So what, they’re like, "at last he’s gone”?

[Peter goes back to Roger’s grave and drinks.]

Lovelock: Never mind, that shit’s intense.

Starkwell: One for me, one for my homey.

[Fran turns down Fly Boy’s proposal.]

Lovelock: BURN!

Starkwell: I wouldn't marry him either. He tackles like a pussy.

[...]

Lovelock: She certainly smokes and drinks a lot for a pregnant lady.

Starkwell: Well, it was the seventies.  Oh also, you know, a zombie apocalypse.

Lovelock: Yeah, but that baby is the future of humanity, you want it to be as healthy as possible.

Starkwell: Good luck with that.

[...]

Apparently bored by the life of luxury they’ve created for themselves, they decide to run a flight school which of course draws attention…  The attention of RAIDERS!

[...]

[How could it get any worse?  It gets worse.  Wacky post apocalyptic gang comes for their mall.]

Starkwell: Holy shit!  Tom Savini with a switchblade comb!

[...]

[Peter refers to the zombies as zombies.]

Starkwell: Wait, I thought they never did that?

Lovelock: I don’t believe in nothing no more!

Starkwell: Seriously, my world is kind of falling apart.

[...]

And then in the stupidest moment in the history of asshole characters, Fly Boy starts shooting at the raiders.  Way to go, Ace, now we’ve got a war.  Two against a whole shitload.  I think Lovelock screamed out something like “What the Hell are you doing Fly Boy I hate you!”

[...]

Starkwell: Did Savini just call Peter “Chocolate Man”?

[...]

Lovelock: Here’s an idea, if there are zombies closing in on you in a shopping mall, don’t stop to check your blood pressure.

Starkwell: Yeah, it’s a bit of a stretch just to have a shot of a severed arm in a blood pressure machine.

Lovelock: It's not even a good joke.

[...]

[Zombie Fly Boy hunts down Fran and Peter.]

Starkwell: Hands down, the most convincing zombie in the film.

Lovelock: Yeah, as a human actor, he’s just okay… as a zombie, he’s top notch.

[...]

[Best head shot ever.]

Lovelock: Every movie needs a head shot like that.

Starkwell: This again?  Dude, not every movie can pull that off.

Lovelock: Go ahead, try me.

Starkwell: “The English Patient”.

Lovelock: That’s easy.  Movie opens with a shot of The Count, he gets his head blown off, roll credits.  It would save SO MUCH TIME.

[...]

The movie ends, we’re all fucked.  HOORAY!  Starkwell and Lovelock were seriously holding hands and singing as the heroic music played while Peter ran to the helicopter.  During the credits / zombies in mall montage they were furiously talking with one another about their favourite parts.  So this is why Romero is a legend (well, at least a big part of it).

Land of the Dead.

Considering he invented this shit, you would think people would have a little more respect for his more recent work.  Is it all as bad as people say?  Has he become a mockery of himself?  Let us, myself, along with Starkwell and Lovelock, find out.  This copy of George A. Romero’s 2005 return to the genre “Land of the Dead” came as a two disc set along with the Zack Snyder “Dawn of the Dead” remake.  It’s an extended uncut version not seen in theaters.  But we didn’t see it in the theaters anyways.

[...]

[Anytown U.S.A., the zombies are everywhere.]

Starkwell: Zombies playing tuba and trombone?

Lovelock: More like the Band of the Dead…

Starkwell: While it is refreshing to see slow walkers… communicating and thinking zombies?  I don’t know.

Lovelock: If Romero says they can, then they can.

Starkwell: Zombies like fireworks?

Lovelock: If Romero says they do, then they do.

Starkwell: Zombies have feelings?

Lovelock: If Romero says… aw fuck, I don’t know… I’m a little scared now.

Starkwell: Zombie using guns?

Lovelock: We may be witnessing another “Phantom Menace” here…

[...]

As worried as they were, the movie showed great promise, it had solid acting, and the type of proper zombie action that we all know and love.  It also had good characters, which is usually one major player that separates good zombie movies from terribly shitty ones.  The one bad part about the characters is that, as Starkwell noted, they all have “the dumbest fucking names I’ve ever heard.”

[...]

[Futuristic slums and anarchy.]

Lovelock: I think that in the future, the important slum lords wear hats.

Starkwell: It does sort of seem like that happens a lot.

Lovelock: Also, the women wear fishnet stockings and DON’T look inbred AT ALL.

[...]

[Puppet show.]

Starkwell: Did they just say zombie? They’re not supposed to say zombie.

Lovelock: Weak.

[...]

[Cholo asks for money…]

Starkwell: How is it possible that there is still money?  Why would it still be useful?

Lovelock: Maybe when he says ‘Five million dollars’ he really means ‘LOTS OF SANDWICHES.’

[...]

At one point they introduce three new characters for no reason.  Each is more ridiculous than the one before.  One actually says “call me Motown.”  I wish I was joking about that.  Lovelock said “I’ll just call you lame, and hopefully a few scenes from now, dead.”

[...]

[Kaufman gives a speech to his board of directors.]

Starkwell: Dennis Hopper kind of phoned this one in.

Lovelock: Why is there always a character that has a pet rat?

Starkwell: Also, he rides a skateboard.

[...]

[Zombies emerge from the water.]

Starkwell: Why would they be taking a breath?

Lovelock: Most likely for the same reason that it was necessary to show two women making out.

[...]

[Fat Hawaiian punches girl out.]

Starkwell: How about a nice Hawaiian punch?!?

Lovelock: Call me Motown.

[...]

[Motown gets eaten.]

Starkwell: Call me Motown.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock went quiet for a while, as the action picked up and the gore levels went off the charts.  They both yelled out “TOM SAVINI” at one point.  For no real reason, they repeated “Call me Motown” a few times as well.

[...]

[Zombies kill restaurant goers.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never sit on the terrace.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well also, sometimes there are people smoking out there.

[...]

[Main African American zombie looks all intense and shit.]

Lovelock: Romero may as well have given him the ability to say stuff like “Damn” and “Bitch, please” and “Aw hell no!”

Starkwell: It would certainly be less annoying than that moan of his.

[...]

Look, the movie has its problems, but Starkwell and Lovelock both approve of the film.  It has some great ideas, and although not all were executed perfectly, the movie is an overall success, even if the zombies learn how to feel and make car bombs and shit.