Dead Set.

There ain’t much that Starkwell and Lovelock hate more than reality television.  So the idea of a miniseries that both parodies reality show “Big Brother” and includes zombies sounds almost too good to be true.  It works so well on paper that they almost don’t want to watch it, fearing the inevitable disappointment.  But, they’re troopers, so they go forth and attack the two plus hours of zombie fare.

[...]

[We are introduced to the characters as well as the narrator who PERFECTLY imitates and mocks the Big Brother guy.  We also get to see the editors, behind the scenes.]

Starkwell: Is it just me, or does this already look amazing?

Lovelock: It is not just you.

[Maybe I’ve been showing them too much crap lately, or maybe this does already show an awful lot of promise.  Plus the main producer character made a “Manchester Morgue” reference which was appreciated by both dudes, and myelf.]

[...]

So as the show producers work on Big Brother show and continue to film the flatmates, we are simultaneously treated to news footage that there is bizarre violence erupting throughout London.  It is EVICTION night at the Big Brother house and they are getting ready to go live.

[...]

[Zombies arrive at the studio, find the crowd of people there cheering for the show and THEN, much chaos, eating and madness ensue.]

Starkwell: ZOMBIES SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE!

Lovelock: This.  Fucking.  Rules.

[...]

As the outbreak absolutely explodes into the rest of the studio, the flatmates are, obviously, unaware of what’s going on right outside.  It’s so well done that not only is Starkwell fully alright with the running zombies, but he is absolutely speechless at how well the whole thing is written, directed, acted and shot.  Lovelock is basically doing cartwheels while singing along to the Mika song playing.  On top of the safe and secure contestants, there appear to be a couple of crew members still alive littered throughout the studio, including main character Kelly.

[...]

[Zombie in a wheelchair is unable to get up out of his chair.]

Starkwell: Not sure how I feel about that, dead can get up and walk… unless they were previously paralyzed?

Lovelock: No, actually it makes sense dude.   It’s not like if they lose a leg they can grow it back ET CETERA ET CETERA.

[Not often does Lovelock seemingly school Starkwell.]

[...]

Kelly finds her way into the house with the contestants and tries to explain to them what is going on out there.  They don’t believe her and think she’s just pulling their leg, until a zombie finds its way into the house and then, well, they dive head first into belief town.   And that’s how the first episode ends.

[...]

[Episode two starts with a ‘previously on’.]

Lovelock: Dude, we just watched that shit.

[So I fast forward… I won’t make that mistake again.]

[...]

On top of the Big Brother house and Kelly, we also are following Kelly’s boyfriend Riq and his adventures on the road with the rifle-bearing woman that he met up with.  This whole thing started off with the parody comedy angle, but very quickly went to horror and even a bit of drama, what with the whole WORLD IS ESSENTIALLY OVER thing and a soundtrack that may as well have been supplied by Mogwai at there most melancholic.

[...]

[Riq and Woman’s Jeep broke down, and Riq is trying to fix it.]

Lovelock: Fucking Jeeps man, so unreliable.

[Zombies show up and chase Riq and Woman (Alex) down the street in the dark and they come across a huge mansion.]

Starkwell: Jeeps - unreliable, this movie - SUPER reliable.

[Meanwhile one of the flatmates was bit and is starting to turn.]

[...]

Kelly and two of the flatmate dudes venture away from the house to try and get antibiotics for the recently bitten Sassy Black Woman of the house.  Riq at the mansion notices that they are still broadcasting live feed from the Big Brother House and starts watching.  While they are out, the bitten woman turns and bites the other contestant.

[...]

[They push the zombie woman into the hot tub, and she just sits there unable to move.]

Lovelock: Zombies can’t swim!  Man, if ever there’s an outbreak, I’m getting a fucking boat.

Starkwell: Good luck with that, you hate open water.

Lovelock: True, but not as much as I hate dying, or birds.

[...]

[We’re onto episode four, Riq now knows his girl is alive, and the flatmates have begun clearing the area enclosed within the studio gates.]

Starkwell: The nods to “Dawn” are a nice touch.

Lovelock: It’s all fine and dandy that Riq loves her, but she was banging that other dude that worked on the show.

Starkwell: Not many people left in the world… beggars can’t be choosers.

[...]

[Riq finds a boat and is going to sail on a river that apparently goes toward the back of the studio lot.]

Lovelock: Boat!  That’s what I’m taling about.

Starkwell: Wait, so now you want him to find her?

Lovelock: No.  He should just sail off into the zombieless sunset with Alex Gun Woman.

[...]

The main producer scumbag guy is still alive and finds his way back into the house along with the random bimbo girl.  And then they all start waxing philosophical about why this may be happening.   Terrorist attack?  Military experiment?  Act of God?  In other news, Alex dies along the river.

[...]

Lovelock: See, my boat plan only works if you never get out of the boat.

[...]

[Scumbag Producer chops up one of the dead people to throw some ‘bait’ to the zombies blocking the front gate.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

[Kelly is okay with the plan.]

Lovelock: I told you dude.  She is no good.  Riq deserves better.

[...]

[Riq makes it to the house, Kelly and Riq kiss and hug, Kelly tells him he stinks.]

Lovelock: If anyone stinks it’s her.  Of CHEATING.

Starkwell: Easy.

[...]

So, in the final episode, they end up tying up and gagging the scumbag producer guy, who then tries to turn the unpopular flatmate over to his darkside, and it works almost immediately.  Unpopular dude frees him and they take Kelly as a hostage and attempt to break free of the Big Brother House.  Of course, this backfires and a bunch of zombies get in and everyone starts getting eaten. 

[...]

Lovelock: MAAAAAYHEM!!!!!!

[Then he passed out from over excitement.]

[...]

Well, the world is fucking over.  And as always, we are the real cause for humanity’s demise.  And now we just sit and watch zombies on TV.

The Crow: Salvation.

The sequel to “The Crow” was essentially a mockbuster, of itself.  This looks to take the myth in a different direction, so at least if it’s horrible, it won’t be horrible and unoriginal.  Well, it will still be somewhat unoriginal since it’s the third movie based on the same comic book.  And chances are it will be extra horrible.

[...]

[Guy is sent to the chair for killing his girlfriend, who he did not kill.  The guy who did kill her, THE MAN WITH THE SCARS on the arm, is there watching.]

Lovelock: And that’s why I’m against the death penalty.

Starkwell: Mature.  Surprising.

Lovelock: Yeah, I believe in Thunderdome.

[...]

[He revives almost immediately, in the morgue.]

Starkwell: The crow is working fast in this case…

Lovelock: He’s still smoking!

[He pulls off his melted face and heals, but somehow has “The Crow” 'makeup' on.]

Starkwell: Well, that’s one way to do it… I guess.

Lovelock: I’ve been robbed of another rise from the grave scene.  Robbed I tells ya.

[...]

So we meet Kirsten Dunst who is apparently dead girlfriend’s sister.  And The Crow immediately goes on a manhunt for the people that framed him.  He starts with a random junkie, and then moves on to a crooked pedophile rapist cop.  The rest on the list are also crooked cops.  Apparently the crooked cops hang out counting their crooked money in the upstairs of a shady sex club.  A crooked sex club, obviously.

[...]

Lovelock: None of the actors in this film look tough at all.  Is it just me?  No one is menacing.

Starkwell: Nah, I feel the same way.  Hell, even The Crow looks like he wants to help me pick out linens at Sears.

Lovelock: This is what The Crow would be if he was played by Michael Cera, or Jesse Eisenberg.

[...]

I think Starkwell said something about how everyone looked like Mormon accountants.  Makes sense since this was filmed in Salt Lake, apparently.  Meanwhile, Kirsten Dunst finds out who The Crow really is, and starts to believe his story.

[...]

[The Captain is apparently involved.]

Lovelock: Remo Williams is a bad guy?

Starkwell: He’s Scar-Arm?

[The captain is played by Fred Ward.]

[...]

Kirsten Dunst finds out that her father knew about all of thsi shit, the whole crooked cop thing.  Maybe her dad is Scar-Arm.  The main problem that Starkwell and Lovelock have with the film is that, much like in the shitty sequel and UNLIKE the original classic, we don’t give a shit about the main characters, AT ALL.  Not The Crow, not Dunst, NO ONE.  The film makers made no effort to develop any characters ever forever, NEVER.   Anyways, The Crow figures it all out, goes to the sex club and kills everyone, leaving only Remo.  Eventually he finds Remo, her crazy girlfriend and their weird torture chamber.  Seriosuly?  He catches Remo and brings him to the electric chair.  Remo dies, The Crow wins, and the audience loses about an hour and a half.  The end.

Santo Contra Los Zombies.

Legendary Mexican wrestler ‘El Santo’ fought all sorts of mythological beings, super villains and other wrestlers throughout his illustrious career.  Arguably the most famous of all luchadores, inevitably, he would have to fight the living dead, because any hero worth his weight in piss simply has to battle zombie hordes at some point.  This is some of the best shit the early sixties has to offer, I kid you not.

[...]

[El Santo wrestles in front of a packed house.  It seems to mix stock footage and more close up shots.  It’s fucking awesome.]

Starkwell: This certainly proves one thing, that pro wrestling CLEARLY isn’t what it used to be.

[After the credits roll, it cuts to another El Santo match.  The crowd carries him down to the ring on their shoulders.]

Starkwell: Is this movie going to mostly just be wrestling matches?

Lovelock: Honestly, I ain’t complaining if it is. 

Starkwell: I know you.  You’ll complain.  Especially if no zombies show up.

Lovelock: Whatever dude, the title said INVASION.  INVASION of the zombies.  And you can bet your last buck that El Santo is going to wrestle the pants off of every last one of them.

Starkwell: Zombies don’t really need pants.  He should wrestle their heads off.

[...]

So after a solid ten plus minutes of wrestling footage, we start to have a story developing.  It involves a beautiful woman and her missing father.  Then we see three zombies getting out of a car and robbing a jewelry store.

[...]

[Moving at the speed of molasses, the zombies crack he safe, a cop shows up and unloads his entire pistol on one of them.]

Lovelock: Man!  That cop ain’t fucking around.  First shot, directly in the middle of the forehead.

[Head shot does nothing.  More cops show up, and shoot at them, and they just slowly walk away.]

Starkwell: They’re not mean zombies.  They aren’t even hurting the cops.

Lovelock: Fucking cops.  Shoot first ask questions later… That’s why I don’t go to Mexico.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and the heat.  My God, the heat!

[...]

Then the cops contact El Santo on his El Santo video phone to tell him about the indestructible zombie thieves.

[...]

[Woman walks the city streets asking people if they have seen her father.]

Starkwell: Mexico City looks kind of like a painting.

Lovelock: And not a very good one.

[...]

[More wrestling footage.]

Starkwell: Spoiler alert!  I bet El Santo wins.

Lovelock: I don’t know…. “Miscellaneous Non-Masked Guy #14” looks pretty–

[El Santo wins.]

Lovelock: Never mind.

[...]

Then there was a dance sequence, and you KNOW how Starkwell and Lovelock feel about useless dance sequences.  They hate them.  Still Starkwell has so far been impressed with the cinematography and the general style of the film.

[...]

[The three thief zombies set fire to an orphanage and try to steal some children.]

Lovelock: Still think they’re not so bad?

Starkwell: No. They’ve crossed the line.

[El Santo shows up.  Saves the kids, wrestles the zombies.]

Starkwell: Seriously though, if guns don’t work, what chance does El Santo have?

Lovelock: I’m a true believer.

[Zombies drop El Santo on his ass, kick the shit out of him.]

Lovelock: I don’t believe in anything anymore.

[...]

Then there was a car chase and a car explosion.  I think Starkwell said something along the lines of this movie having it all and Lovelock did a roundhouse kick and broke a lamp.

[...]

[Two zombies climb into a girl’s window, and El Santo storms in and stops them from taking her.]

Starkwell: Why was he just waiting around right outside of her bedroom?

Lovelock: More like El Stalko.

Starkwell: El Peepo.

Lovelock: I like mine better.

[El Santo throws the zombies around the room and they vanish into thin air.]

Starkwell: If they can turn invisible, why wouldn’t they just be invisible all of the time?

Lovelock: If they can make fire like that, why wouldn’t they just light El Santo on fire?

[...]

Plotholes and questions aside, they really are enjoying this film so far.  Then the zombies climb into another window, choke out and kidnap El Santo’s tag team partner and make him full zombie and Lovelock was all “GASP!”  I should note that there are two mad scientists dressed like executioners that appear to be behind all of this.

[...]

[El Santo wrestles against the newly zombified wrestler friend.]

Starkwell: I love that he fights zombies but then still makes time to entertain people at the arena.

Lovelock: The show must go on.

[He wins, I think.]

[...]

After, the zombies come for El Santo, through his window, obviously.  The zombies almost unmask El Santo, but then he kicks one in the medallion and it blows up.  The medallion blows up, not the zombie.  Lovelock says he WISHES the zombie had blown up.  But then Lovelock is all “OF COURSE!  THE MEDALLION! Great work El Santo!”  Eventually El Santo finds the secret dungeon/castle/laboratory and wrestles the shit out of more zombies.  For some reason these zombies have belts, not medallions.  I don't know why, but it did lead to a weird scene where El Santo was on his knees with his face right in front of a zombie's crotch, and taking his belt off.  In the the end, he also wrestle/destroys the two Executioner Scientists, who turn out to be the girl's missing Father and Uncle, and all of the zombies disappear into a puff of smoke.  Then El Santo leaves before anyone can thank him.  Apparently El Santo doesn’t like to wait around to be thanked, but if he were here, I’m sure Lovelock and Starkwell would try.

FILM FEST: Cartoon Zombies - A Mixed Bag.

Starkwell and Lovelock always prefer the organic feel of live action, and never showed any interest in watching me play zombie video games, or, in this case, watch zombies in cartoon format.  Given how computer generated so much of the modern zombie film is, I feel like telling them they already have.  They’ve seen “I Am Legend”.  Those are cartoon zombies.  Anyways, here it goes.  A cartoon film fest.

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998) ]

Lovelock: The music is pretty sweet.

Starkwell: You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

Lovelock: Well, yeah, but, I suddenly remember why the old TMNT cartoon was so…

Starkwell: FUCKING BAD.

[The story involves the gang being retired from mystery solving.  But they get back together for Daphne’s TV show and then find ZOMBIE ISLAND.]

Lovelock: Wait… is that Billy West doing Shaggy?

Starkwell: One stoner and his dog PLUS two nymphos PLUS one dude who thinks with his wang but doesn’t see the two nymphos that want said wang EQUALS fuck this shit.

Lovelock: I never saw the appeal in this show.

[Me neither dudes.  Me neither.  Me neither times a million.  Although at least this one had actual zombie pirates (and not just guys in masks), and also the I’m pretty sure the gardener’s voice was Leonardo’s.]

Lovelock: Wait… Demon Cat People control the zombies with Voodoo and need to sacrifice people to preserve their immortality and keep the curse at bay?

Starkwell: Still a better story than most ‘real’ movies.

Lovelock: Wait… The zombie pirates were good guys?

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo and the Zombies (2003-2005) ]

Starkwell: No, I really can’t.  I just can’t.

Lovelock: Is this just an episode of a TV Show?

[Anyways, they didn’t watch this.  They refused and started slapping my head until I stopped it.  It’s actually just three episodes of the show “What’s New Scooby-Doo?” that happen to involve zombies.  As a result it plays out like a zombie anthology film.  In any case, it blows.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008) ]

Lovelock: I thought we said no video games.  Oh wait… you’re not controlling this?

Starkwell: Technically there is a remote control.  Technically this COULD stop before I inevitably end up trying to hang myself.

[Pretty harsh, considering so far they’ve only seen the DVD menu.]

Starkwell: All of their eyes… so cold… so dead.

Lovelock: Not all that different from most live-action zombie films, to be completely fair.

[They basically spent the rest of the running time making fun of the voice acting and story.  Again, not all that different from most live-action zombie films.]

Starkwell: So it’s not Umbrella?  It’s the terrorists?

Lovelock: It’s always the terrorists.

[The plot is absurd, but unlike the live-action Resident Evil films… at least it has one.  Hopefully in the Japanese version the dialogue is the same except instead of ‘terrorist’ they say ‘American’.  Also, fun fact, the movie is WAY too long, and they kind of set it up for a sequel… that I’m making them watch.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Damnation (2012) ]

Lovelock: It’s taken them four whole years to NOT IMPROVE the dead eyes AT ALL.

[Starkwell was asleep.]

Lovelock: I’m not doing this alone!

[Starkwell wakes up.]

Starkwell: Huh? Aw come ON!  The voice acting is somehow worse in this one!

[He ain’t kidding.]

Starkwell: Wait, are they fighting USSR?

Lovelock: Yeah, you missed a lot.

[Then they left to make some lunch, and seriously, I just eventually stopped it.  If I wanted to play a video game, I’d play a video game.]

Lovelock: I prefer the "Shenmue" movie.

Starkwell: Would you like to play some lucky hit?

Lovelock: Wrong game asshole.  That's in the sequel.

[Nice.]

[...]

[ Dead Space:Downfall (2008) ]

Lovelock: Same year as "Degenration".  Was a good year for animation.  And by good, I mean GOD HELP US ALL.

Starkwell: Still, so far, more watchable than the 'Resident Evil' ones.

Lovelock: Still reminds me of TMNT.

Starkwell: I’m starting to think that’s the only cartoon you’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: That and “Ren and Stimpy”.  Actually, come to think of it, this movie reminds me of when Ren goes all SPACE MADNESS.

[They actually ended up getting into this one.  I tried to tell them that some of the games are pretty sweet, but then they called me a nerd and made fun of me, and we missed a chunk of the film.]

Lovelock: Red-haired Bitch SUCKS.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[So they hate the main character… not the first time that’s happened.  Anyways, they stayed pretty quiet as the film played.  It wasn’t bad.  Well, it could be that it actually was ok, or it could be that they had just watched the two "Resident Evil" ‘cartoons’.]

Lovelock: Space Zombies are pretty bitchin’.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that’s the guy that does the voice for Winnie the Pooh.

Lovelock: Haha… ‘Poo’.

[I looked it up… he was right.  Movin’ right along.]

[...]

[ Dead Space: Aftermath (2011) ]

Lovelock: Why did they change the animation style?  It was one of the things the first film had going for it.  This looks like an old episode of “Reboot”.

Starkwell: The voice acting appears to have taken a nose dive as well.

[Definitely not being as enjoyed as the earlier Dead Space movie was.]

Lovelock: Do you think the O’Bannon reference is more for "Alien" or for "Return of the Living Dead"?

Starkwell: Good question.

Lovelock: JUST KIDDING.  I really don’t give a shit. Fuck this movie and it's stupid ass everything.

[Then they argued for a while, and eventually the film was over.]

[...]

[ Xombie: Dead on Arrival (2003) ]

Lovelock: What umm… what the what?

Starkwell: Flash Animation, dude.  I know, you’re not used to it.  It doesn’t look like the Ninja Turtles.

[Interesting concept.  It’s about a zombie with feelings trying to help a girl get back to her family.]

Lovelock: Why do they talk like robots?

Starkwell: Voice acting by SPEAK AND SPELL.

[Anyways, it’s short, and fun at times, with a good story, but mostly pretty forgettable and dragged out.]

[...]

Well, maybe their opinion on cartoons won’t change any time soon.  Certainly there ARE good cartoons out there, in general.  But, I’m not so sure that there are any good ZOMBIE cartoons out there, unless you count the "Treehouse of Horrors" Simpsons episode with zombies in it.  Anyways, at last, I decided to throw them a bone and show them the recent stop-motion fueled extravaganza “ParaNorman”.

[...]

[ ParaNorman (2012) ]

Starkwell: Wait… did you mean to show us this one?  Because it’s actually…

Lovelock: REALLY FUCKING GOOD.

[...]

After Lovelock attempted to compare it to “Fantastic Mr. Fox” and Starkwell accused him of blasphemy, they then spent the entire running time of the film smiling and remembering what it was to be a kid and be shown a proper good family fun piece of movie.  Don’t say I never do anything for them.

Army of the Dead.

I don’t know if it is meant to look like the cover of “Army of Darkness”, but it sort of does.  Probably, they’re trying to force people to buy it accidentally.  I bought it on purpose in an attempt to further torture and annoy Starkwell and Lovelock.  I’m hoping it’s full of stop-motion animation of skeletons swinging swords.

[...]

[A bunch of Spanish Conquistadors get killed by Skeleton Warriors…I think.]

Starkwell: Wait so is all of the action going to be shown as shadows on cave walls?

Lovelock: Why would the skeletons need to use flaming arrows?  In a cave?  At close range?

[So… yeah… not stop-motion.]

[...]

Then it cuts to present day, where a bunch of college kids (or T.A.s… I’m not sure) are going on some kind of dune buggy race through the desert.  With some of their professors.  Yeah.  At one point one of the professors tells the story of a camper who got killed by Zombie Skeleton Warriors ‘round these here parts looking for the lost gold.  The effects looked, real bad.  So obviously, the next day, the professor separates from the group hunting for the treasure.

[...]

[Main character’s ex girlfriend, or some bitch he had an affair with or something, is part of the group.]

Starkwell: Because, this movie wasn’t lame enough, we needed to add a trampy ex lover.

Lovelock: Bitches be crazy.

[...]

[Professor and some hired… mercenaries (?) go into a cave.]

Lovelock: That looks like the exhibits when you wait in line for a ride at an amusement park.

Starkwell: It probably is.

Lovelock: Shot on location, Universal Studios Florida.  Islands of Adventure.

[They find the gold, mercenaries turn guns on the professor.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never trust mercenaries.

Starkwell: Solid reason.

[...]

So basically the Zombie Skeletons show up looking like the computer effects in a mattress commercial and kill everybody.  Then later they show up at the camp and bombard it with flaming arrows!  Bad CGI explosions everywhere!

[...]

Starkwell: A flaming arrow landing beside the car wouldn’t explode the car.

Lovelock: Zombie Skeletons wouldn’t be able to groan without vocal cords either, but I think it’s time to suspend our disbelief.  And stop watching.

[...]

Eventually they find a place to hide, but the Skeletons find them and kill everyone except the main character and his girl.  It turns out the only way to stop Zombie Skeletons is with a really big electric shock.  It’s going to take them a while to forgive me for this one.

Dead Season.

Starkwell and Lovelock seem largely unimpressed with the larger part of zombie films released over the past decade.  There are a few major classics that stand out, but so much of the genre has become stale, watered down, cheap (and not in the good way) and made by people either looking to make a quick buck, or people that don’t like the genre for the right reasons (I know… That’s being very pretentious, but fuck it).  This brings us to yet another new entry in the most flooded genre of the day, “Dead Season”.  We’ll see.

[...]

[The movie starts quickly with the outbreak in full gear, the narrator on screen makes mention of it beginning in Pittsburgh.]

Lovelock: I’m surprised you’re not vomiting or throwing shit at the TV.

Starkwell: Subtle references can act as a polite nod to the classics.  If they get more “in-your-face” about it, or all “look, these are movies WEEEEee like too, so that means you should automatically like the turd that we made!” then trust me, you’ll hear some serious bitchin’ from this side of the couch.

[...]

So the film introduces us to who I assume will be the main character who continues his narration, which is actually not narration, but a conversation he is having with some random girl on a radio.  They make plans to meet.  The girl, Tweeter, and a little boy, Cody, go and meet with the main guy, Elvis.  Considering how fast the film was starting, shit then got real slow real fast.

[...]

Starkwell: Of course his name is Elvis.

[...]

They call the zombies ‘walkers’, which is pretty weak, since that’s kind of a “Walking Dead” TV show thing.

[...]

Lovelock: Lame.

[...]

The trio of Elvis, Cody and Tweeter, make way to Elvis’ boat, which apparently works great now and has fuel.  The zombies look… well… bad.  But as Starkwell pointed out “at least they’re slow” to which Lovelock replied “LIKE THE ACTION.  AND THE STORY.”  Boom.

[...]

[Cody goes down into the boat’s cabin, gets bitten.]

Starkwell: Solid plan sending him down there, Tweeter.

Lovelock: Am I the only one who feels like the actors are whispering their lines?  Like they're not supposed to be filming there?

Starkwell: Another hallmark of such a high budget production.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell began asking me to fast forward, so, I THINK, after shooting Cody in the head, Tweeter and Elvis ended up on some island, where they met up with some rough bad people who took them prisoner.

[...]

Starkwell: Obviously we need to see them spray a bare-breasted Tweeter with a hose.

[...]

It’s not terrible so far.  It reminds them of another movie “Autumn”, since it similarly tries to hit some pretty heavy themes, but done on a shoestring budget and with a serious deficit in the acting and dialogue department.  Anyways, it turns out the people are running some kind of island community, with like, strict rules.  I guess Tweeter isn’t all that JAZZED to be another one of the community “whores” so, obviously, I don’t see Elvis and Tweeter becoming a valued member of their society.

[...]

[Fairly long sex scene between Tweeter and Elvis.]

Lovelock: Boy, you sure can feel the passion.

[Sarcasm.]

Starkwell: He looks as bored as I am.

[...]

Lovelock: TOM GREEN.  That’s who he reminds me of.

[...]

Tweeter makes plans with the Leader of the Island Folk’s daughter to escape the island on a boat that Tweeter found.  Eventually she lets Elvis in on the plan.  Also, the Island Community becomes overrun with zombies.

[...]

Starkwell: What is it with these movies, where like, half of the zombies have white eyes, and then the other half just look like people bleeding from the mouth?

Lovelock:  I guess not all of the extras owned white contacts…

Starkwell: “WANTED: Extras to play zombies.  Bring your own White Eye Contacts.”

[...]

Well, in the end Tweeter, Elvis and Rachel (the daughter) escape on the boat.  Basically, Tweeter and Elvis went to an island, did sex, avoided rape a couple times, and ended up replacing dead Cody with an alive Rachel… and… then they sail off into the sunset.  The end.  ‘A’ for effort.  I do commend the makers of the film for trying to do something a little more serious inside the genre, and actually, ALMOST pulling it off.  Most no-budget films go right for the cheap laughs, since it’s easier.  The problem with going the harder route?  Much more chance of utter failure.

Night of the Living Dorks.

I used to think that a movie whose title is simply a play on another movie’s title would automatically be disqualified from actually being cool.  However, then there’s “Shaun of the Dead”, a play on Romero’s “Dawn” and an exceptional movie.  So maybe they aren’t all inherently horrendous.  Since Lovelock and Starkwell are about to watch a night of the living “dorks”, I can’t help but hope that this 2004 German film doesn’t allow my original prejudice to rise from its grave.  You see what I did there?

[...]

[You really can’t watch the dubbed version.  It really weakens the film.]

Lovelock: Subtitles?  Awww… boooooo!

[...]

[In Haiti, zombie attacks family, grandma kills it with a flamethrower.]

Lovelock: Off to a good start.

[Someone steals the zombie ashes until they end up on the German version of eBay.]

Starkwell: Why Germany?

[Kid wakes up with a huge boner.  Mom tells neighbor girl about it.]

Starkwell: Germany… Why?

[...]

Philip and his two weenie friends, named Weener and Konrad, drive to school in a shitty VW MiniBus and talk about humping girls.  Philip likes the most popular girl in school, and OBVIOUSLY doesn’t realize that his neighbor, the Goth Girl, clearly likes him.  As soon as he gets to school, he tries talking to Popular Girl and, as a result, Philip, Weener and Konrad all get punched in the face by the Popular Dudes and Philip gets a wedgie.  This sparks a conversation between Lovelock and Starkwell about when the last time they saw a wedgie in a movie was.  As they discussed this, they didn’t miss a whole lot, other than being introduced to every character in the cookie cutter high school comedy book.  Oh, and it turns out the Goth Girl’s other Goth Buddy is the one who has the zombie ashes.  I feel like something bad is gonna happen.

[...]

[Weener Gang go to the cemetery with the Goth Gang and try to raise the dead using the zombie ashes.  Ashes end up all over Weener Gang.]

Lovelock: Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

Starkwell: Nice.

[...]

Then the Weener Gang get in a car crash and die, and they all wake up in the morgue, with their toes tagged, dead, but still themselves.  Starkwell and Lovelock weren’t saying much.  Most of the jokes worked relatively well, and the story was enough to keep their interest.  I think they were anxious to see where this was going.

[...]

[Apparently, as zombies they have x-ray vision?  Well, at least Konrad looked at a classmate’s ass and immediately her jeans disappeared and he saw her bare ass.]

Starkwell: Wait… can he actually see naked girls under their clothes… or is it just like when a cartoon character is hungry and looks at someone and they turn into a turkey?

Lovelock: I’m not sure, but I think either way the answer is “Director likes showing teenage ass”.

[...]

Weener and Philip seem to be acting relatively normally, but Konrad is going crazy… biting girls’ asses in class, eating raw meat in the cafeteria refrigerator and trying to get revenge on everyone in his “nerd” diary (apparently he kept a document of all the times he has been bullied, and who has bullied him). Philip and Weener try to talk some sense into Konrad, which annoys Lovelock who says “let him get his revenge!”  He always roots for the vigilante zombie underdog.

[...]

[Weener Gang play rugby against the Jocks and win!  And they plan on throwing a party at Philip’s house! Popular Girl kisses Philip!]

Lovelock: Nerds win!

Starkwell: Part “Revenge of the Nerds”, part “Shaolin Soccer”, part German… mostly bad.

[Konrad goes to the gym teacher’s office, he is clearly a pedophile and has posters of naked schoolboys… Konrad eats him after Gym Teacher tells him he has a big fat sausage to feed him…]

Lovelock: Umm...

[...]

They locked Konrad up so he wouldn’t eat people anymore… they gave him an old-school Gameboy for when he gets bored.  He looked at the cartridge, and said “Barbie’s Supermarket Adventure?” seemingly disappointed, but then follows it with “But I’ve played it three times already!”  It’s a good joke, but something about it struck Starkwell as REALLY funny and we had to pause it for a while so he could catch his breath.

[...]

[Four dudes have a jerking off contest… ???]

Starkwell: What the fuck dude?

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

[...]

Starkwell almost walked out during the gratuitous boob portion of the film, especially when they showed one of Philip’s testicles falling out of his pants and Weener stapling Philip’s penis back onto his body.  Lovelock was intent on staying too, although it made him feel all woozy and I think he may have blacked out for a second or two.  He woke up during the Konrad “Michael Jackson’s Thriller” dance scene… which only confused him more, especially since the music wasn’t ACTUALLY Jackson.

[...]

[Konrad kills King Jock Dude.  Weener and Philip bitch him out.]

Lovelock: Why must they try and suppress his awesomosity?

[Philip and Weener throw dead body down the stairs and hide it in a freezer.]

Starkwell: Solid stunt, whoever that actor was.

[...]

Anyways, Philip ends up at Goth Girl’s place with the Necronomicon, and his stomach growls while he stares at her boobs and butt.  

[...]

[He ends up burning the book when he knocks a candle over.]

Starkwell: Where is it written that in order to do Goth Shit you need to have nothing but candlelight? Fucking turn a light on and shit won’t get burned.

[...]

Anyways, they work with Rebecca Goth Girl to try and figure this shit out, which basically translates into a montage of them interrupting baptisms, asking girls in town if they are virgins, cleaning the house before Philip’s parents come home, and of course, making a potion!  So basically the potion works and all is back to normal.  The end.

Pop Punk Zombies.

Starkwell and Lovelock hate this kind of shit.

[...]

[Film starts. Some dudes hang out in a graveyard waiting for zombies.  One guy has his eye ripped out, and then the other guy hands the zombie a guitar and says “I love zombies”.  And the worst ‘punk’ song ever starts playing.]

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: So, this is one of those movies where all of the actors are just so psyched to be in their friend’s shitty movie that they smile in every scene all of the time?

Lovelock: …

[...]

They lasted about ten more minutes, if that, and walk out.  I should mention, the main character has a hilarious bowl cut.  The end.  Sometimes, even after they leave, I fast forward through the rest of the film, just to see what happens.  This time, I didn’t.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday.

I honestly feel like if you were to create a history of my love of cheesy horror films, it probably all starts with “Jason Goes to Hell”.  I don’t want to age myself here, but I was young enough to be at least somewhat frightened, but old enough to totally laugh my ass off.  That was the night I first met Starkwell and Lovelock.  As much as I know that the years will not have been kind to this movie, and that it likely will not be even remotely frightening as I remember, nor as funny as I thought back then, and that this trip down memory lane can only end in TOTAL TRAINWRECK, I can’t help but feel excited to revisit this, with my two favorite film critics, now that we’ve all grown up and matured.  Yeah I know.  I made them watch “Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.” Maybe 'matured' is a strong word.  FUN FACT: One of the writers eventually went on to write for the AMAZING but short lived television show “Arrested Development”.  Maybe there will be some real comedy in here after all.

[...]

[Girl goes to a cabin, gets naked.]

Starkwell: Two boobies, one ass, and not a single line of dialogue yet.

Lovelock: You know what they say, “Talk is Cheap, Boobies are Forever”.

Starkwell: No one has ever said that.

Lovelock: "Boobies IS Forever"?

[Jason shows up to kill girl, turns out she’s a cop, it was all an elaborate ploy to get Jason.]

Starkwell: Why is he out in Crystal Lake anyways?  Didn’t he take Manhattan?

[...]

A bunch of cops shoot the bajesus out of Jason, he makes hilarious noises, then they shoot him with a rocket launcher and he blows up.  Lovelock was laughing his ass off, but Starkwell was asking a whole lot of questions.  It’s just like I remembered.

[...]

[Jason’s blown up body is at the morgue, doctor does an autopsy.]

Starkwell: Why would they be doing an autopsy?  Cause of death... WE BLEW HIM UP.

Lovelock: He’s a superhuman, maybe they want to try and learn his secrets?

Starkwell: So they hand him over to ONE doctor, working the graveyard shift at a shitty local morgue drinking orange soda?  Dude's body should be brought to Area 51.

[The Doctor is drawn to Jason’s heart, he picks it up, eats it, and then a bunch of light beams shoot into his body.]

Starkwell: Ummm…

Lovelock: So, no cameras or real security in this morgue then...

[...]

Apparently the doctor is now possessed by Jason.  He even walks by a mirror and his reflection showed Jason, NOT THE DOCTOR!  Then they introduce some crazy bounty hunter guy named Creighton Duke.  The movie seems confused with itself, unsure whether or not it wants to be a comedy or a scary or a seriously.  Lovelock and Starkwell both kind of dig the Duke though.

[...]

[Nerdy main character guy picks up teenage hitch hikers and drives them to Camp Crystal Lake.  They all get naked and two of them start to screw.]

Starkwell: Kind of sucks to be that other girl.

Lovelock: Seriously, she’s so desperate she offered Nerdface sex just like that.

[The girl that isn’t screwing gets killed by Possessed Doctor.]

Lovelock: We’ve seen as many pairs of boobs as we have seen kills.  And now we’ve seen some side peen.  Weak.

[Jason stabs Sexing Girl through the tent and cuts her in half.]

Starkwell: Kills three, boob pairs two, side peen, sadly, still one.

Lovelock: I’m just happy they finally showed some serious gore.

[...]

Then there’s a weird scene where the Doctor ties up a cop and transfers Jason to him via a kiss (I think).  And why did he shave off his mustache first?  Makes no sense.  I think it was Lovelock who said “Jason is an STD” or "Jason is like mono".  In the following scene we see the cop attempt to do the same to the waitress from the restaurant, who, for some reason wears her waitress outfit at home.  We see some kind of worm-snake protruding out of his mouth.  I think Starkwell just gave up.

[...]

Starkwell: Eat a heart, get a bunch of light beams, become Jason.  Kiss the Doctor, get a worm in your throat, become Jason.  Totally makes sense.

[Then the Duke explains to the Nerd that only a blood relative of Jason can kill Jason.  Turns out the dead waitress was Jason’s sister, so her daughter and grand daughter are also of the Voorhees bloodline.  Turns out Nerd is the father of the grand daughter.]

Starkwell: Right because it took nine movies for them to find out that Jason had a sister.

Lovelock: Weak.

[So weak.]

[...]

Only a Voorhees can kill a Voorhees, and only by destroying the heart.  Got it?

[...]

[Cop kisses Sleazy News Anchor, transfers Jason to him, and then melts all over the floor.  Sleazy News Anchor is Jason now.]

Starkwell: Wow.  I mean.  Wow.

Lovelock: Nice to see them FINALLY delivering on the gore.

Starkwell: Too bad there is no actual Jason in “Jason Goes to Hell”.

Lovelock: I don’t care who cuts naked ladies in two, so long as they ARE cut in two.

[...]

So Sleazy News Anchor chases Nerd and Girlfriend around and kills a mess of people along the way.  The story gets crazier and crazier and makes less and less sense.  I think the best/worst part was when the Duke threw Girlfriend (Jason’s niece) a knife and it turned into some kind of mystical dagger.  Oh yeah, then Jason’s heart squiggled out of some guy’s severed head and crawled around like a slug squealing like an alien-pig.  Then it went up into Jason’s dead sister’s vagina (she was locked in the basement and still wearing her waitress outfit) and Jason’s dead sister turned into fully living Jason.  Anyways, in the end, Voorhees Niece stabbed Jason in the heart with the magic dagger and a bunch of huge zombie hands reached out of a hole in the ground (being lit up by a spotlight from the Heavens for some reason (Aliens?)) and pulled Jason into… Hell (I think)?    I should add there is no explanation AT ALL about what is actually happening.  The dagger, the heart theory, the zombie hands, the beams of light, how no one knew that Vooorhees had living relatives EXCEPT the Duke…NOTHING IS EXPLAINED EVER.

[...]

[They show Freddy Krueger’s hand pull Jason’s mask into the ground.]

Starkwell: I love seeing the evidence of just how long they had been planning / working on the whole 'Freddie vs. Jason' thing.

Lovelock: Right... Jason, in 'X' FORM, still had to make one stop in space before he made it to that battle.  Ugh.

[EXTREME!]

[...]

Was it everything we remembered it to be?  Kind of, yeah.