FILM FEST: Cartoon Zombies - A Mixed Bag.

Starkwell and Lovelock always prefer the organic feel of live action, and never showed any interest in watching me play zombie video games, or, in this case, watch zombies in cartoon format.  Given how computer generated so much of the modern zombie film is, I feel like telling them they already have.  They’ve seen “I Am Legend”.  Those are cartoon zombies.  Anyways, here it goes.  A cartoon film fest.

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998) ]

Lovelock: The music is pretty sweet.

Starkwell: You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

Lovelock: Well, yeah, but, I suddenly remember why the old TMNT cartoon was so…

Starkwell: FUCKING BAD.

[The story involves the gang being retired from mystery solving.  But they get back together for Daphne’s TV show and then find ZOMBIE ISLAND.]

Lovelock: Wait… is that Billy West doing Shaggy?

Starkwell: One stoner and his dog PLUS two nymphos PLUS one dude who thinks with his wang but doesn’t see the two nymphos that want said wang EQUALS fuck this shit.

Lovelock: I never saw the appeal in this show.

[Me neither dudes.  Me neither.  Me neither times a million.  Although at least this one had actual zombie pirates (and not just guys in masks), and also the I’m pretty sure the gardener’s voice was Leonardo’s.]

Lovelock: Wait… Demon Cat People control the zombies with Voodoo and need to sacrifice people to preserve their immortality and keep the curse at bay?

Starkwell: Still a better story than most ‘real’ movies.

Lovelock: Wait… The zombie pirates were good guys?

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo and the Zombies (2003-2005) ]

Starkwell: No, I really can’t.  I just can’t.

Lovelock: Is this just an episode of a TV Show?

[Anyways, they didn’t watch this.  They refused and started slapping my head until I stopped it.  It’s actually just three episodes of the show “What’s New Scooby-Doo?” that happen to involve zombies.  As a result it plays out like a zombie anthology film.  In any case, it blows.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008) ]

Lovelock: I thought we said no video games.  Oh wait… you’re not controlling this?

Starkwell: Technically there is a remote control.  Technically this COULD stop before I inevitably end up trying to hang myself.

[Pretty harsh, considering so far they’ve only seen the DVD menu.]

Starkwell: All of their eyes… so cold… so dead.

Lovelock: Not all that different from most live-action zombie films, to be completely fair.

[They basically spent the rest of the running time making fun of the voice acting and story.  Again, not all that different from most live-action zombie films.]

Starkwell: So it’s not Umbrella?  It’s the terrorists?

Lovelock: It’s always the terrorists.

[The plot is absurd, but unlike the live-action Resident Evil films… at least it has one.  Hopefully in the Japanese version the dialogue is the same except instead of ‘terrorist’ they say ‘American’.  Also, fun fact, the movie is WAY too long, and they kind of set it up for a sequel… that I’m making them watch.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Damnation (2012) ]

Lovelock: It’s taken them four whole years to NOT IMPROVE the dead eyes AT ALL.

[Starkwell was asleep.]

Lovelock: I’m not doing this alone!

[Starkwell wakes up.]

Starkwell: Huh? Aw come ON!  The voice acting is somehow worse in this one!

[He ain’t kidding.]

Starkwell: Wait, are they fighting USSR?

Lovelock: Yeah, you missed a lot.

[Then they left to make some lunch, and seriously, I just eventually stopped it.  If I wanted to play a video game, I’d play a video game.]

Lovelock: I prefer the "Shenmue" movie.

Starkwell: Would you like to play some lucky hit?

Lovelock: Wrong game asshole.  That's in the sequel.

[Nice.]

[...]

[ Dead Space:Downfall (2008) ]

Lovelock: Same year as "Degenration".  Was a good year for animation.  And by good, I mean GOD HELP US ALL.

Starkwell: Still, so far, more watchable than the 'Resident Evil' ones.

Lovelock: Still reminds me of TMNT.

Starkwell: I’m starting to think that’s the only cartoon you’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: That and “Ren and Stimpy”.  Actually, come to think of it, this movie reminds me of when Ren goes all SPACE MADNESS.

[They actually ended up getting into this one.  I tried to tell them that some of the games are pretty sweet, but then they called me a nerd and made fun of me, and we missed a chunk of the film.]

Lovelock: Red-haired Bitch SUCKS.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[So they hate the main character… not the first time that’s happened.  Anyways, they stayed pretty quiet as the film played.  It wasn’t bad.  Well, it could be that it actually was ok, or it could be that they had just watched the two "Resident Evil" ‘cartoons’.]

Lovelock: Space Zombies are pretty bitchin’.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that’s the guy that does the voice for Winnie the Pooh.

Lovelock: Haha… ‘Poo’.

[I looked it up… he was right.  Movin’ right along.]

[...]

[ Dead Space: Aftermath (2011) ]

Lovelock: Why did they change the animation style?  It was one of the things the first film had going for it.  This looks like an old episode of “Reboot”.

Starkwell: The voice acting appears to have taken a nose dive as well.

[Definitely not being as enjoyed as the earlier Dead Space movie was.]

Lovelock: Do you think the O’Bannon reference is more for "Alien" or for "Return of the Living Dead"?

Starkwell: Good question.

Lovelock: JUST KIDDING.  I really don’t give a shit. Fuck this movie and it's stupid ass everything.

[Then they argued for a while, and eventually the film was over.]

[...]

[ Xombie: Dead on Arrival (2003) ]

Lovelock: What umm… what the what?

Starkwell: Flash Animation, dude.  I know, you’re not used to it.  It doesn’t look like the Ninja Turtles.

[Interesting concept.  It’s about a zombie with feelings trying to help a girl get back to her family.]

Lovelock: Why do they talk like robots?

Starkwell: Voice acting by SPEAK AND SPELL.

[Anyways, it’s short, and fun at times, with a good story, but mostly pretty forgettable and dragged out.]

[...]

Well, maybe their opinion on cartoons won’t change any time soon.  Certainly there ARE good cartoons out there, in general.  But, I’m not so sure that there are any good ZOMBIE cartoons out there, unless you count the "Treehouse of Horrors" Simpsons episode with zombies in it.  Anyways, at last, I decided to throw them a bone and show them the recent stop-motion fueled extravaganza “ParaNorman”.

[...]

[ ParaNorman (2012) ]

Starkwell: Wait… did you mean to show us this one?  Because it’s actually…

Lovelock: REALLY FUCKING GOOD.

[...]

After Lovelock attempted to compare it to “Fantastic Mr. Fox” and Starkwell accused him of blasphemy, they then spent the entire running time of the film smiling and remembering what it was to be a kid and be shown a proper good family fun piece of movie.  Don’t say I never do anything for them.