FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - 8 Movie Pack Extreme!

So I bought a collection of 8 EXTREME ZOMBIE MOVIES.  It’s a release from something called “Cutting Edge Cinema”?  I can tell you, nothing here is cutting edge.  I paid about 6 bucks for the set, which is about 75 cents a movie.  I can’t help but still feel like I’ve been swindled.  Although, I did get my money’s worth out of forcing them upon Lovelock and Starkwell, I guess.

[...]

[ Porn Star Zombies (2009) ]

I guess it was a bit naïve to think that they would have watched this one longer than five minutes.

[...] 

Starkwell: Why is it black and white?

Lovelock: Was this thing shot on an iPhone?

Starkwell: If you knew the guys making this, would it be fun to watch?

Lovelock: Probably not, but since we don’t ESPECIALLY not.

Starkwell: I’d like to stop watching ASAP.

Lovelock: Deal.

[...]

There are a lot of booby and ass and boner jokes.  If you’re into that kind of a thing THIS SHOULD STILL BE AVOIDED.

[...]

[ Santa Claus vs. the Zombies (2010) ]

This movie is apparently about a family being hauled up in a house during the holidays and somehow Santa Claus and some Elves are there.  It’s over an hour and forty minutes.  Starkwell and Lovelock made it through one, and then fast forwarded for a while before calling it.

[...]

Starkwell: I can’t help but feel like this was just some actual family’s way to spend a few days.

Lovelock: It should be noted that no one in the family can act, or write or anything ever.

[...]

This movie ALMOST gets bad enough to become funny.  But it’s far too long and boring and awful for that to ever be a possibility.  The zombies look like they’d be third or fourth runner up at a lame Halloween costume contest at a local dive bar full of townies.

[...]

[ Biker Zombies from Detroit (2001) ]

The quality of the picture is WORSE than any DVD I’ve ever seen ever.  I’m sure the movie would have been insufferable enough without that.  But here we are.

[...]

Lovelock: Bad “metal” music? Check. Long dragged out shots of a guy riding his dirt bike? Check. Guy lifting weights in his socks? Check.  Actors screwing up their lines? Check.

Starkwell: Dude, I already can’t anymore.

[...]

Sometime in the middle of a long conversation between two of the characters about how fifteen year old girls are hot and the director showing an actual close-up on three asses of girls that looked no older than fourteen, Starkwell and Lovelock stopped.  I’m sure there would eventually actually be some zombies, but they weren’t going to hang around and find out.  And then at the end there are about eight minutes of credits… it really makes you wonder how it took that many people to make this piece of shit.  This is another one that could have been "funny bad" if it weren't so slow moving awful and the worst.

[...]

[ Bled White (2009) ]

The review I had read said “Pulp Fiction” meets “Zombieland”.  RIiiiiiiiiight…

[...]

Lovelock: I will say this… It looks like the camcorder they used for this one had like, eight or nine features.

Starkwell: I love that they film trees without leaves to establish that it’s a WASTELAND…

Lovelock: More like "someone's high school English project" meets "honestly, I'm not sure"...

[...]

Taking on this huge of a premise on no budget is probably foolish.  After the main characters decided to eat another human, Starkwell was actually intrigued… but still, he and Lovelock left.  The box says this movie won “awards”.  I guess the awards it gets from Starkwell and Lovelock are “closest to actually being watched”, and “if it had any budget, it would still be bad, but much more watchable than the others on this shitty DVD set”.

[...]

[ Office of the Dead (2009) ]

Unlike the first four films, this one is actually filmed in WIDESCREEN, and looks like it may have even been filmed with cameras that cost more than "somewhere between fifty bucks and cellphone".  I think Lovelock and Starkwell were also a bit kinder to this one since it revolves around Software Engineers…

[...]

Starkwell: A movie made for nerds, by nerds?

Lovelock: Dude, I’m a nerd, and I’m not sold yet.

Starkwell: It’s clear that they filmed this in an actual office…

Lovelock: Seriously, I hope their boss doesn’t see this.

Starkwell: I wouldn’t be worried about that.

Lovelock: Maybe the boss at the place is the one in charge of the filming… “Threat Level Midnight” style.

Starkwell: They clearly don’t think much of marketing people.

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure they didn’t clear it with Google that they showed a guy checking out porn in Chrome.

Starkwell: Unless they work at Google.

Lovelock: How about we quit while we’re ahead.  What do you think?

Starkwell: Done.

[...]

The rest of the movie was whatever.  This is an even better example of “if those were dudes at my work, and it was filmed at my office, this would be watchable.  Still bad, but fun to watch anyways.”  And it was much more competently made than the others in this set.  Probably because they’re all software engineers.  But… neither Lovelock nor Starkwell works with or knows these people.  Sooooo…

[...]

[ Bunker of Blood (2012) ]

This is actually made by the same people as “Santa Claus vs. the Zombies”, and directed by the same guy.  Unfortunately for this movie, as soon as Lovelock and Starkwell saw that name go up on the screen.  They actually pressed stop, so they really didn’t have much to say.

[...]

Starkwell: If you like “Santa Claus vs. the Zombies” then you’ll probably love “Bunker of Blood”.

Lovelock: If you like “Santa Claus vs. the Zombies” then it’s probably time to give up.  On life.

Starkwell: You think at the end of most of these scenes the actors were like “nailed it!”?

Lovelock: Man, I hope so.

[...]

It would have been nice if they had even just made it through ten minutes of this one.  Some of the opening scenes were COMICALLY bad.  Especially the slow motion shots.  At least it’s not a sequel to “Claus”.  There are most of the same actors, though.

[...]

[ Night of the Dead (2009) ]

Not to be confused with an ‘Asylum’ movie of the same name released a few years earlier (also, according to the opening credits, this one is actually called “Night of the Dead – Friday the 13th”), this one has Ron Jeremy in it.  It starts suddenly without setting up anything.  Basically people are making out in a tropical forest, and the dude runs into his ex girlfriend and then people in HASMAT suits start following them with axes.  Lovelock and Starkwell actually got through more of this one, but only because they left it playing in the background while they made and ate sandwiches.

[...]

Starkwell: Bah! Mats soma dum worsh speshfex vevver sea.

[Starkwell’s mouth was full of sandwich.  I believe he was commenting on the fact that most houses’ Halloween decorations are more convincing than the special effects in this film, thus far.]

[...]

Once Starkwell and Lovelock finished eating they left the room.  I assumed that meant they wanted me to stop it.  I think Ron Jeremy’s job was to look disgusting as always and provide the film makers with girls that would show their boobies and have no problem putting their face in kitty litter.

[...]

[ The Chosen One (2009) ]

After a much needed and deserved break, they came back to try to finish the set with another film in black and white for absolutely no reason.

[...]

Lovelock: Even though this one seems to have better acting than the others, HOLY FUCKBALLS THIS IS BORING.

Starkwell: You're just saying that because it's an old guy, and you always think old guys and British people are good actors.

Lovelock: Dude, totally.  And old British people? Forget about it!

Starkwell: Worst special effects.  And somehow… most nonsensical.

Lovelock: Seriously, what the shit is even happening?

Starkwell: We’re pressing stop.  That's what is happening.

Lovelock: Victory!

[...]

Slow moving doesn’t even begin to describe this one.  I’ve seen carpet commercials with more story.  Before I let them leave, I told them I had a BONUS MOVIE for them.

[...]

[ Dating a Zombie (2012) ]

This one wasn’t actually in the set.  It’s more of a bonus movie in that I feel it fits in well here.  I know one of the actors in the movie so I’ve edited Starkwell and Lovelock’s brief conversation to an even briefer one.  I might be paraphrasing.  I should mention that they sat through much more of this one than the eight from the set, and it is generally a better movie.  But…Still... 

[...]

Starkwell: That one actor in particular steals the show.

Lovelock: Agreed.  Best actor of the day.

[Guess who he's talking about.]

[...]

So it is true that knowing someone in the movie somehow makes the movie more fun to watch!  Well, at least for the scenes with that person.  While this does give some perspective and assistance in answering the question “who would actually watch and enjoy these movies?”, it doesn’t change the fact that one answer is a resounding NOT LOVELOCK AND NOT STARKWELL.

Dead Alive.

The nineties didn’t offer much to the horror genre at all, let alone to the zombie genre itself.  Luckily one offering was Peter Jackson’s “Braindead”, or as I’ve always known it, “Dead Alive”.  If you haven’t seen this movie, you should probably stop reading this and run to go watch it.  It’s that good.  Unfortunately, much like “Meet the Feebles”, there isn’t really a very nice and luxurious DVD print of the film yet.  That doesn’t really matter since, ANY version of this movie is better than NO version of this movie.  However, I believe that there is a longer, uncut version of this film that I have still never seen.  Bullshit.

[...]

[Zoo official steals RAT MONKEY, gets bitten on hand, arm and face by said RAT MONKEY.  Local guides cut off his hand, then arm, then face.]

Starkwell: Subtle.

Lovelock: ZINGAYA!

Starkwell: Wait, so who’s going to bring it back to the zoo?

[Locals sell RAT MONKEY to zoo people, I assume, as they load it onto a plane.]

Lovelock: Does that answer your question?

Starkwell: I love that, although they feel bad about sending ZINGAYA off to the rest of the world, that one guy looks SO HAPPY to get paid.

Lovelock: Best face ever.

[...]

We are then introduced to Pequita and her creepy ass Tarot Grandma… Tarot Grandma gives her a reading and says she will soon meet the man of her dreams, love of her life, and then... she meets Lionel!!!  In just one scene, Starkwell and Lovelock have already agreed that he is phenomenal at physical comedy, and that he is awesome, and they love him, and they want the movie to last forever.  Then we meet Lionel’s mom, and in just one scene, Starkwell and Lovelock have already agreed that she is phenomenal at being awful, and that she is indeed quite awful, and they hate her, and they want her to die immediately.  Pequita and Lionel meet once more and plan to go to the zoo.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m not sure what period this is supposed to be… it’s definitely not present day, but at the same time, feels timeless.

[...]

[At the zoo, Rat Monkey punches a regular monkey, rips its arm off, and eats it.]

Lovelock: Film Makers need to start using stop motion again, I love how it looks.  So creepy.

[Lionel’s Mom spies on Lionel and Pequita and is bitten by Rat Monkey.  Mom squashes Rat Monkey’s head with her heel.] 

Lovelock: ZINGAYA!  She’s got… THE BITE.  That makes me so happy.

Starkwell: It’s pretty obvious who the real enemy is.

[...]

Lionel and Pequita spend the night together, and Mother’s infection worsens.  They show the oozing wound, and it is already clear to Starkwell and Lovelock that this movie is going to be intensely disgusting.  As Mother’s condition worsens exponentially, her speech is slurred, her skin and body parts start falling off and apart, some guests arrive.

[...]

[Mother’s wound oozes into one guests custard, her ear falls into her own.  The guest eats the ooze, Mother eats her ear.]

Lovelock: Holy shit…

[Starkwell didn’t say anything, as he left to go vomit.  In an unexpected twist, he asked us to pause it while he went to vomit, not wanting to miss any of it.]

[...]

Then Mother eats Pequita’s dog, falls down the stairs, dies.  Then she rises and goes FULL zombie, and rips off the nurse’s head.  I can’t possibly document what Starkwell and Lovelock were saying, as most of it was stuff like “YEAH, FUCK YEAH” or “I’m… so… happy…” or “can we watch it in slow motion so it lasts longer?”.  After some more comedy / gore / awesome, Lionel ends up locking the two zombies (Mother and Nurse) in his basement and keeping them at bay with the use of tranquilizer, which he injects continuously up his Mother’s nose.  Eventually she escapes and gets hit by a trolley, and the locals see her, and assume she’s dead, so… a funeral is held.

[...]

[Lionel keeps injecting his Mom with tranquilizer, so no one catches on.  She is buried.]

Starkwell: Well, that won’t end well.

Lovelock: For the characters in the film? No.  For us? HELL FUCKING YEAH.

[...]

So, that night, Lionel attempts to dig up Mother, but is interrupted by some punks.  Mother explodes out of her grave and kills one of the punks, and then, well, ZOMBIE OUTBREAK IN THE CEMETERY.  The priest shows up, and starts fighting zombies, ripping their limbs off… etc.

[...]

Lovelock: I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!

[...]

Priest eventually dies and Lionel tranquilizes all of them, and then has them all over for dinner in his dining room, obviously.  His uncle shows up, complete with cold sores and his difficulty to pee.

[...]

[Two of the zombies hump at the dinner table.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never invite zombies over for dinner.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

As the movie continues to play out, one thing is made abundantly clear.  THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING GROSS.  Nurse Zombie, fresh from being humped by Priest Zombie gives birth to Baby Zombie in the basement.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie should com with a warning: “DO NOT EAT DURING, OR EVEN IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO WATCHING THE FILM.  ALSO, AFTER WATCHING YOU MAY NEVER REGAIN YOUR APPETITE.”

[...]

Lionel took Baby Zombie out for a walk, because, you know, that’s what you do in this situation.  I have never heard the guys laugh as hard as they did during this scene.  I believe at the end Lovelock said “The real question is how we can watch any other movie again after this.  What could possibly ever follow this?  Nothing.”

[...]

[Uncle finds stiffs, blackmails Lionel, throws a party.]

Lovelock: Ugh, his herpes are spreading…

Starkwell: You know you’re watching a fucked up movie when "a dirty dude’s huge mouth herpes" IS NOT even that high on the list of "most disgusting parts" of said movie.

[...]

Lionel then attempts to poison the zombies, not realizing that he actually injected them all with an animal stimulant.  As Uncle Herpes tries to rape Pequita, the Stimulated Zombies explode from the basement and turn the party into GOREFEST INFINITY.  The important thing to note is that it’s not just the AMOUNT of gore that is so special… Anyone can just utilize buckets of blood… it’s the creativity behind it all, how Zombies and Humans are being killed.  You’ve never seen anything like it.  Once again, I can’t possibly document what Starkwell and Lovelock were saying, as most of it was stuff like “YEAH, FUCK YEAH” or “I’m… so… happy…” or “can we watch it in slow motion so it lasts longer?”.

[...]

[Lionel uses lawnmower to “mow” down zombies.]

Lovelock: So… much… blood…

Starkwell: How do you film a scene like this without vomiting everywhere?

[...]

As Lionel has his final epic battle with Mother, and confronts her about the truth of his father’s death,  that Mother actually drowned him, Lionel is reborn, figuratively… although he does end up inside her and explodes out of her crotchal region… so there’s some NOT SO SUBTLE symbolism there.  The house explodes and Lionel and Pequita live happily ever after.  So do the audience.  Starkwell and Lovelock high-fived each other seven times in a row.  I think Lovelock's hand bled a little.

Otto; or Up with Dead People.

I probably shouldn’t even attempt to show Starkwell and Lovelock a zombie film directed by the artsy Canadian gay-porn director Bruce LaBruce.  But hopefully by not telling them that’s what it is, they’ll venture far enough into it to be truly shocked and give it a chance. “Otto” is actually a half German half Canadian film.  The intro starts and involves epic music, shots of zombie Otto, stock footage of explosions, weird hand drawn sketches and people shooting a film.

[...]

[Otto rises from grave, narrator explains the evolution of zombies.  Talks about how zombies came about because of war and the hostility of humans, in general.]

Starkwell: I like the style so far, this is an interesting intro and take on the whole thing…

Lovelock: Otto actually looks pretty cool.

[Otto eats a cat in the graveyards.]

Lovelock: Fucking rad.

[...]

Otto has a super thick German accent.  He talks about his hardships as a zombie.  I should note, that when we see anything from ‘Otto perspective’ it looks all pink and shiny.  The soundtrack is full of noise and distortion, and while Otto eats some roadkill, some music plays that sounds like Yoko Ono on acid underwater with harps for hands.  Lovelock and Starkwell are starting to freak out a little.

[...]

[Suddenly, there’s another title flashed on the screen “Up With Dead People” and it’s in black and white.]

Starkwell: Is this a movie within a movie, or what are we seeing?

Lovelock: This movie is trying so hard to be weird that my brain hurts a little.  Also, fuck you, movie.

[...]

It cuts back and forth between Otto hitchhiking and the Black and White “Up With Dead People” where a strung out dude starts… making out with a zombie dude?  Now we see the director of “Up With Dead People”, and she talks about how Otto auditioned to be in her movie… this bizarre shit went on and on.  It's like a weird interpretive dance number that goes on forever and involves penis.  Starkwell and Lovelock got increasingly confused… and it became clear that the movie within the movie “Up Wth Dead People” was a gay porno film.

[...]

Lovelock: So far gay zombies seem pretty nice.

[...]

Otto sat in a junkyard and very slowly zombies approached him, then they had an orgy of sex and flesh eating.  It cut back and forth between Otto’s orgy in the junkyard, and the black and white zombies making out.  Sometime around the moment when one zombie started having sex with another one’s wound (and I should add, that this is all very explicit, and full close-ups of actual penile penetration with wound are shown and heard), Starkwell and Lovelock both got up and walked out of the room without looking at me.  Mission accomplished.

[...]

Lovelock: Why, dude?

[...]

Honestly, this is the closest I’ve seen to ACTUALLY reproducing how shocking old Grindhouse Cult Shock-Trash were back in the seventies.  But that doesn’t mean they have to like it.  Or watch it.  Bizarre.

The Gate.

Starkwell and Lovelock are notorious for having trouble dealing with kids in the horror realm, or even in films in general.  Usually they find them irritating at best and completely useless at worst.  I’ve tried to avoid telling them that “The Gate” is a story about kids, for EXACTLY that reason.  So they might hate me for a little while.  There have certainly been exceptions to their “kids in movies always suck” rule, so, I’m anxious to see how young Stephen Dorff will hold up.

[...]

[Dorff comes home to an empty house and a creepy movie plays in the Basement.]

Lovelock: Wait… is this about a kid?

Starkwell: Kev, you got some splainin' to do.

[...]

It will take some time, but I’m sure Young Dorff, or Glenn as he is called in this movie, can win them over. After a huge tree in Glenn’s backyard is cut, he and his friend dig up the sod that was put over the hole.  Then they uncover a magical hole!  And then, OBVIOUSLY, Young Dorff’s parents go away and leave TEENAGE SISTER Alexandra to look after the house and her little brother.

[...]

[As soon as the parents leave, Alexandra throws a party with alcohol, bad ‘80s music and crappy people.]

Starkwell: Meanwhile in Glenn’s room, Glenn and best friend Terry crack open a mystical rock.

Lovelock: You have got to love the level of irresponsible behaviour often on display in the eighties.

[Teenagers sit around telling ghost stories and having a séance of some kind.]

Lovelock: Teenagers in the eighties are fucking bananas.

Starkwell: Kids today could learn something from this.

Lovelock: If they could put down their Scooby Snacks and Pac Man video games long enough to pay attention.

Starkwell: Dare to dream. 

[...]

Then creepy shit started happening.  Glenn saw weird shadows and Terry saw his dead mother.

[...]

[Terry hugs the ghost of his mom, but then, it’s actually the dead family dog.  SCREAM.]

Lovelock: If I had seen this as a kid, this is the moment I would have pooped.  Good thing I was busy watching “The Labyrinth”, “The Goonies” and “Marked for Death”.

Starkwell: You're thinking of "Above the Law".

Lovelock: David Bowie’s horrible outfit and dick print in “Labyrinth” are much still scarier than this, I guess.

[...]

And that was it, for now.  It’s a bit slow moving, but it’s moving in the right direction, which is more than I can say about a lot of films, and certainly enough to keep Starkwell and Lovelock engaged.

[...]

Lovelock: So much pastel color clothing and bad hair.  So… much… too… much.

[...]

Terry listened to some bad metal record by a band called “Sacrifix”, where they had a spoken part in the middle of a song where they talked about “The Gate” and how it was a portal of some kind and some dark Gods were going to take back the world that was rightfully theirs.  Meanwhile Alexandra’s friends are the worst people ever and they take her to the beach, leaving Glenn alone, obviously.

[...]

[“Sacrifix” are European, and only made ONE ALBUM called “The Dark Book” before they all died in a plane crash.  It contains the necessary incantations to close the Gate!]

Lovelock: Pfff… Eurotrash.

Starkwell: Terry’s wearing a “Killer Dwarfs” shirt?  Rad.

Lovelock: Dorff has a crazy bowl cut.

[...]

Alexandra’s boyfriend throws the dead dog into the backyard hole, which will TOTALLY open the gates of Hell.  So basically, they’re screwed.  But wait! Alexandra didn’t go to the beach after all!  She went and bought a rocket for her brother!  So they could launch it together!  They're friends again! I swear I think I saw Lovelock crying at the beautiful moment, but he CLAIMS he had eaten an onion.  It was actually pretty cute, all joking aside.

[...]

[Glenn’s window explodes, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, monster from under the bed grabs Alexandra.]

Lovelock: This would have hands down ruined sleep for a year for me.

Starkwell: More than Bowie's dickprint?

Lovelock: Same I guess.

[...]

Then shit gets real crazy and gory as demon versions of Glenn’s parents try to choke him and he makes both of their faces melt and well… yeah.  Lovelock was playing air guitar and making up melodies that he claims would be what Sacrifix would sound like if they were real.  And this was before the little “minions” showed up.

[...]

Lovelock: Am I nuts, or do the special effects hold up surprisingly well?

Starkwell: You’re not crazy.  Well, at least, not for making that claim.

[...]

[Terry throws a Bible into the Gate, Gate explodes.]

Starkwell: With thirty minutes left, I highly doubt that’s the end of it.

Lovelock: Maybe the last half hour will be a Sacrifix concert.

Starkwell: Dude, they’re not real… and if they were, they died in a plane crash, remember?

Lovelock: Well, in that case, I hope the minions come and eat Alexandra’s stupid friends.

[...]

[Zombie comes out of the wall, drags Terry into the wall, wall closes.]

Lovelock: As usual, the Bible doesn’t help… only makes things worse.

Starkwell: Deep.

Lovelock: Shut up.

[...]

Then there was a scene where Alexandra threw a Boom Box at the zombie and it fell apart into a bunch of little minions.  Glenn went to find his father’s gun and was attacked by Zombie Terry.  Starkwell and Lovelock sat quietly on the edge of their seats.

[...]

Starkwell: So… is Terry totally dead?

Lovelock: I hope not… as a zombie he was pretty cool.

[Original Zombie comes back again, takes Alexandra into other world.]

Starkwell: Alexandra will DEFINITELY be cooler as a zombie.

[...]

After the floor drops out in the middle of the house and shows the GATE at full power, a bunch of minions come out and summon some kind of super demon.  Black smoke flies out of the Gate like a reverse tornado. HELL ON EARTH!

[...]

[Glenn lies on floor in the foetal position, crying, holding doll.]

Lovelock: That is EXACTLY how I would react in his position, at age eight, age thirty or age infinity.

[Glenn stabs the palm of his hand, which now contains an eyeball.]

Starkwell: Forget about being in his position, I’m contemplating doing that right now just watching this.

[...]

Then Glenn shot a toy rocket at the super Demon’s head and yelled out “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”.  I’m not sure why.  Needless to say, Lovelock and Starkwell cheered and repeated the line several times.  I will predict that they will repeat it a lot over the next, probably, several years.  Oh yeah, then the Demon explodes into FIREWORKS.  Everything essentially returns to normal, except that the house is still completely destroyed.  Awesome.

[...]

Starkwell: That’s the last time they let Alexandra babysit, I’ll bet.

Lovelock: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[...]

On a scale from one to 'worst kid ever', they've just given Dorff/Glenn a three.  But I'm not really sure what that means.  Happy birthday.

The Man from Planet X.

An alien enslaves the minds of the inhabitants of a remote Scottish island?  Sold.  Play movie.

[...]

[The main character talks to a scientist at an observatory.]

Starkwell: Well, this all looks very scientific.

Lovelock: Especially the moustaches, and the reverb.

[...]

[Apparently some Planet X is rushing towards the Earth. Towards some isolated island.]

Starkwell: Obviously Newspaper Man wants to go to the island that is set to possibly be STRUCK BY A PLANET.

Lovelock: He certainly has moxie, and a nice hat.

[Newspaper Man meets woman he met six years ago, when she was still just a child.]

Starkwell: Holy Hell, did he just say “braces took care of your teeth and nature took care of the rest”? And that he noticed her legs?

Lovelock: Dude, that shit is fucked.  The fifties were fucked.

Starkwell: If you can remember that she was crying about going back to school at the end of the summer, and at that time, you were a grown ass man, and are now obviously trying to hook up with her and do all the sexy stuffs, you should likely go to jail.  Forever.

Lovelock: Dude, that shit is fucked.  The fifties were fucked.

[...]

Anyways, then nothing was happening and Lovelock fell asleep.  The girl is supposed to be British, even though she is CLEARLY American.  Starkwell chuckled often.  Lovelock continued to snore, often.  Eventually, Nancy Dumpface gets a flat tire and finds a spaceship with a creepy alien on board.  Starkwell kicks Lovelock, tells him to get up.

[...]

[Bright light flashes in the Doctor’s face, he is now possessed.  One minute later, he isn’t possessed anymore.  Nancy Dumpface asks him “Do you think it might have something to do with that planet?”]

Starkwell: Great work detective Nancy Dumpface... Is she for real?

Lovelock: Did she say that we have a "bad case of the jitters"?

Starkwell: I don’t understand… was he possessed or not or… ?

Lovelock: I don’t think the film makers knew either.

Starkwell: How have they still not even suspected that that thing is a space ship?  Worst scientists ever.

Lovelock: Do you think this might have something to do with that planet?

[...]

Anyways, the Doctor and Newsy find the creepy alien and try to communicate with him, for like ten minutes or more.  It drags on forever.

[...]

[It very suddenly cuts from the alien to Doctor in bed with the flu?]

Starkwell: Seriously? Nothing happens, and then when something clearly DOES happen, it just skips right over it, without telling us how the Doctor ended up with the flu?  Man, fuck this movie.

Lovelock: Something needs to happen.  Or make sense.  Or both.

[The timeline is incoherent and insane.  It jumps from now to later, back to now… but it seems to all be happening at the same time.  Then Doctor’s Assistant kills the alien?]

Lovelock: On the plus side, something is happening, on the down side, it is all making less sense now.

[...]

So, the alien tries to build an army of zombie villagers, mostly because one of the doctors tried to kill him.  Seems reasonable.  Eventually it fails.  Humans win, hooray.  It’s all much more boring than it sounds.  Lovelock and Starkwell made fun of the fake backdrops a few times, and how the actor in the alien costume clearly couldn’t see anything… but otherwise, they mostly SLEPT.  I should mention that they both noted that the fight sequences between the alien and Newspaper Guy were the worst fights of all time.

[...]

Starkwell: Why don’t they just take his helmet off completely, instead of just turning the valve on his helmet? Because he keeps on turning the valve back… I HATE THIS.

[...]

Planet X misses the Earth, the alien gets exploded.  The end.  Did I mention that the alien was basically friendly, and that was only trying to escape the fact that the humans were trying to kill it?  Hooray for humans.

Bong of the Dead.

At this point, when a “film” is actually called “Bong of the Dead”, I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to show it to Lovelock and Starkwell.  I know how this is going to end.  But my unwillingness to judge a book by its cover, and my ABSOLUTE willingness to torture Starkwell and Lovelock, allows me to believe that this is a good movie to force them to watch.

[...]

[Old dude works on his lawn gnome collection, meteor strikes gnomes.]

Starkwell: Wouldn’t the explosion be a little bigger, given that the meteor was that big?

Lovelock: More like “Wrong of the Dead”.

Starkwell: Not a bad joke, but there’s bound to be a better time to use it.  I suspect you thought of it when you heard the title, and were just too excited to hold it in... Weak.

[...]

[Meteor cracks open, old man smells slime that oozes out, turns into a zombie.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never smell ooze.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Hey, how about that bad overdubbing?  More like “Wrong of the Dead”. Eh?

Starkwell: Dude, be patient.

[...]

Then the old man bites his wife, and then the husband and wife sit on the couch, watching T.V. eating each others’ intestines.  A pretty decent start to a film, honestly, although the opening credits made Lovelock “want to punch something in the face lots.”  The director was obviously going for a comic book sort of a thing.  Did not work for Lovelock.  REALLY did not work for Starkwell.

[...]

[Introducing… stoners.]

Starkwell: Are we supposed to think they’re cool… or… ?

Lovelock: More like “Wrong of the Dead”, am I right?

Starkwell: Better, I guess.  But… still not there.

[...]

It’s pretty clear that the stoner guys are supposed to be “stupid”.  Ironically, stoned people would probably watch this and laugh.  Anyways, there’s this whole scene where the stoners use ground up zombie ooze brains to grow miracle weed in a matter of seconds.  It seems like they may be the only survivors?  Then there was a getting stoned montage, and EVENTUALLY the stoner dudes decide they need to go on a zombie killing mission, in order to get more weed fertilizer.  Starkwell leaves.

[...]

Lovelock: How much of this movie is going to be two dudes acting stoned to a shitty soundtrack?  Lots of it?  Oh, ok just checking.

[...]

Lovelock: Fart jokes?  Check.

[...]

Lovelock: Piss jokes? Check.

[...]

There was a fairly gross eye gauging sequence, that was enough to make Lovelock crack a little smile… but it takes more than fun gore to win him over.

[...]

[They meet the King Zombie.]

Lovelock: His name is Alex Montgomery the... Third?  That’s a bullshit name.

[The smart zombie, Alex Montgomery is… killed?]

Lovelock: Wait… is he the leader or… WHAT THE FUCK.

[...]

Shit makes no sense.  The overdubbing gets even worse as the movie goes forward.  They meet up with a girl.  She's all sexy and shit.  The girl character’s overdubbing is HORRENDOUS.  Lovelock said the movie was somehow managing to give him heartburn.  Then he said “fast forward, dude… I think I’m having a heart attack.”

[...]

Lovelock: Obviously they get drunk, stoned and half naked.  MORE LIKE WRONG OF THE DEAD.  Seriously, fuck you.

[...]

The girl was using a zombie on a treadmill to power her shower.  One decent idea hidden in a mountain of poopoo film making.  And now it becomes obvious that it was only done in order to show the girl naked..

[...]

[THEY MAKE FUN OF CANADIANS.]

Lovelock: Now THAT is “Wrong of the Dead”.

[There it is.]

[...]

Lovelock: Why would they need to have two topless zombies front and center?  Why would they be making out?

[...]

In an obvious nod to “Dead Alive”, they’ve equipped lawnmowers to the front of their car and proceed to mow down zombies.  Lovelock says he’s going to be sick.  Not from the gore, but from the mis-use of Peter Jackson’s magic.  Anyways, the girl, let's call her Tiny Shorts McTitsAndAss and the one surviving stoner guy chop up all the bodies and fertilize the ground, I guess to grow a bunch of weed.  With ten minutes of running time left, they get naked and go take a shower together and terrible funky music plays.  We see lots of naked kissing.  Also there’s a zombie smoking a joint.  Roll credits… for ten minutes?

[...]

Lovelock: In conclusion, “Wrong of the Dead”.

[...]

So, the film explained NOTHING.  Why was there a King Zombie, what caused it, who the fuck is Alex Montgomery Snickens the Third?  Seriously, "what the fuck" times a million?  And then, I shit you not, they set it up for a sequel featuring a cyborg Zombie King.  I wish I was making this up.  A sequel.  I think they’ve been smoking too much of their inspiration.

[...]

Lovelock: Two “Wrong of the Dead”s don’t make a right.  Actually, it makes it double wrong.  Forever.

[...]

As bad as they thought it would be given the title, it was worse.  Pure turd.