Dead Clowns.

Well, coulrophobia, or the FEAR OF CLOWNS, seems to be relatively common.  Personally I think most people are full of shit and just saying that they are afraid of clowns, but that is neither here nor there.  If clowns were actually some kind of undead demons trying to kill me, well, yeah, I’d be afraid of clowns.  I don’t know how much this movie owes to “Killer Clowns”, but I’ll let Starkwell and Lovelock find out.

[...]

[Some Dudes prepare for a hurricane.]

Starkwell: Is it necessary to show him boarding up every window, while the other guy does a puzzle?

Lovelock: It keeps us on the edge of our seat.  Wait, did I say ‘edge of our seat’?  I meant BORED.  It keeps us bored.

Starkwell: Well, at least the acting sucks.

[...]

After nearly twenty-five minutes, all we’ve really established is that there is a hurricane coming and that fifty years ago a bunch of clowns died in a previous hurricane.  That’s about it.  There are some characters, but I can’t see that anyone could possibly give a shit about them.

[...]

Starkwell: Thank you, STOCK FOOTAGE of hurricanes.

[...]

[Clowns slowly rise up out of the ocean floor.]

Lovelock: Admittedly, that was kind of creepy.

Starkwell: I feel like using clowns is a bit of a cop out… it’s such an easy way to make shit creepy.

Lovelock: This movie needs more of stuff like in this scene, and less of everything else in this movie.

[...]

[Girl with huge boobs is attacked by zombie clowns.]

Starkwell: I’ll bet they hired her for her acting.

Lovelock: I kind of wish they’d stop interrupting the shots of decomposing clowns looking gross and scary with stock footage of hurricanes.

Starkwell: Seriously, is this a movie about zombie clowns or a documentary about hurricanes?

[...]

They show hurricane stock footage between every other line of dialogue.

[...]

[Clown kills middle-aged woman… I think.]

Starkwell: Nobody screams in this movie.

Lovelock: I can tell you, if I came face to face with a zombie clown holding a bloody hammer, I’d probably scream, and maybe pee or poo a little.

Starkwell: Maybe the whole thing was filmed in an apartment complex and they were trying to keep the noise down.

Lovelock: That, or they were worried that if they did scream, a neighbor would call the cops.

[Cut back to Wheelchair Guy in house, clowns try to get into his house.]

Lovelock: Please, for the love of God, SEND IN THE CLOWNS.

Starkwell: Something needs to happen.

[Wheelchair Guy drives a drill into a clown and it IMMEDIATELY cuts to stock footage of a hurricane.]

Lovelock: I’m really surprised you’re still here.

Starkwell: I can’t explain it... I feel I need to stay.

[...]

So there are two other characters that are travelling serial killers or something, and, yeah well, this shit is crazy boring.  Where are the clowns?

[...]

Starkwell: If you like hurricane footage and uninteresting lame characters, you’ll love “Dead Clowns”.

[...]

The main focus of the story seems to be the hurricane and the travelling killers.  The Killers break into a woman’s house and tie her up, she explains the clown story to them.  This is the second time that we, the audience, have heard this story.  THE ENTIRE STORY.

[...]

Starkwell:  They’ve spent more time talking about the clowns than they have showing the clowns.

Lovelock: SEND IN THE CLOWNS.

Starkwell: The actors are being so quiet all the time... was this filmed in a library?

[...]

Everything in this movie is needlessly drawn out.  Even the shot of the clown ripping out a girl’s eyeball and eating it is RUINED by the slow pace.  If they were trying to make an homage to other deliberately paced aquatic based zombie films like "Zombie Lake" or "Oasis", mission accomplished.  I just realized that both Starkwell and Lovelock have fallen asleep.  No one in this movie ever looks scared.  In fact they never look anything.  It is the most wooden acting you will ever see.  

[...]

Starkwell: Is that a clown or Skeletor?

Lovelock: I’m just glad things are happening.

Starkwell: But nothing is happening.

Lovelock: That’s not entirely true… the hurricane footage is ACTION PACKED.

[...]

[Zombie clown cuts off a guy’s arm and eats it.  This takes five minutes.]

Lovelock: How come we can hear the chewing sounds so loudly but not his screams?

Starkwell: Because “fuck you audience”, that’s why.

[...]

Anyways, there are some genuinely creepy moments in this film, but they come in at the eighty minute mark of a ninety minute movie, and even then, they are seriously dragged out.  How much chewing and slurping do we really need to hear?  As stupid as the premise is, if it had been executed with more competence, I think it could have been one to remember.  As it stands, it is one to forget.

Versus.

Although a lot of the more recent zombie entries from Japan have left a sour taste in the mouths of Zombie Hall’s two resident aficionados, “Versus” promises to beat the crap out of that sour taste and explode it to infinity and beyond.  Are they ready for “Versus”?  Is anyone ever REALLY ready for “Versus”.  Alright, let’s get this show on the road.

[...]

[Text tells the story of the “Forest of Resurrection”, really fast.]

Lovelock: Hold on… what was that thing about gates?  Wait... go back.

Starkwell: I think it was four hundred and forty-four something…

Lovelock: I saw six-six-six…

Starkwell: Can we do it in slow-mo?

[They went back and read the whole thing.  It still made no sense.]

[...]

Then there’s a swordfight in olden Japan that ends with a dude being cut in half and another dude that looks like Raiden.  And then FLASH FORWARD to present day, and two convicts are running through the woods.  I assume these are the same woods known as… THE “Forest of Resurrection”.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m starting to think the director really likes those spinning shots that circle around people.

Lovelock: Also, he enjoys really dated late nineties music.

[...]

One of the cons is a mega tough guy.  From here on out, Lovelock and Starkwell will refer to him as Stone Face.  Stone Face and his partner meet up with some gangsters that work for the people they work for, and for some reason they’ve brought a girl.

[...]

Starkwell: These guys all follow orders pretty blindly, especially ones that make no sense.  “We are to meet you here, and bring this girl with us.  That is what we are told.”

[Stone Face tells them to let go of the girl, they refuse, so they FIGHT.  One dude gets shot and dies.  Then Mexican Standoff.]

Lovelock: What movie would be complete without a Mexican Standoff?

Starkwell: Most movies.

Lovelock: But check out that spinning camera shot!

[They show a guy with a suitcase in the distance, and then the dead guy gets up and starts attacking.  Stone Face’s partner dies, gets up as a zombie.]

Lovelock: We must all be quiet now, and allow ourselves to play air guitar while we enjoy this scene.

Starkwell: I think I’ll do a roundhouse kick if that’s okay with you.

Lovelock: I accept.

[...]

While they were rocking out to the movie, Stone Face got away, with the girl, and the wacky gangsters set out to find them, deep in THE FOREST OF RESURRECTION.

[...]

[Stone Face puts on a black leather trench coat he found on a dead guy in the woods.  Short guitar solo plays.]

Lovelock: Wait, was that guitar solo just in my brain or… ?? Did you hear that too?

[Stone Face attacks the gangster wearing a vest, then punches the girl in the face.]

Starkwell: Well… that’s one way to make her butt out.

Lovelock: Look out!  Yakuza member Vesty McPonytail is back up!

[...]

One of the gangsters realizes that these woods are where they’ve executed a lot of people, which means, thankfully, many many zombies.  Lovelock said he was so excited that a drop of pee came out.

[...]

[The zombies use guns.  The action is insane.]

Lovelock: It’s everything good that's ever been ever put into a movie put into one movie. WOAH! HE KICKED HIS HEAD OFF!

Starkwell: I don’t know dude, I mean... zombies with guns?

Lovelock: No.  No, I won’t let you take this joy away from me.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.

Starkwell: But, nothing is happening…

Lovelock: Guy.  Everything is happening, and it’s happening fast and hard, and it’s totally bananas.  I like bananas.  Do you like bananas?

[...]

Anyways, outside of random slow-mo shots of Stone Face staring at the girl, the action is pretty relentless.

[...]

Lovelock: Cartwheels are always the best way to dodge machine gun fire.  I really need to learn how to do a cartwheel.

Starkwell: Why?

Lovelock: Dude, you never know.

[...]

[Now we’re introduced to the cops that Stone Face originally escaped from.]

Lovelock: New characters?  Like I wasn’t confused enough?

[Stone Face and The Girl can’t remember anything that happened before they arrived in the woods.]

Starkwell: Well, you’re not alone.  Even the characters IN the movie are confused.

[...]

[The Big Boss shows up, and one of his subordinates tries to ambush him with a new crew of people.]

Lovelock: Where the hell did all of them come from?

Starkwell: From the looks of it, I’d say “The Matrix”.

Lovelock: Boom.

[...]

Big Boss has super powers, he rips the heart out of one guy and takes a bite out of it.  Then he gets all rapey with one of the girls, takes a bite out of her neck and offers her eternal life, like a vampire.  This only further confused Starkwell and Lovelock, as they tried to figure shit out.

[...]

[Dude with CRAZY RED HAIR flies into the screen and wants to fight Stone Face.  Before they start, he knocks the girl out.]

Starkwell: I don’t really get why he would need to knock her out…

Lovelock: In Japan, women come second?

Starkwell: Dude, that was not okay…

[...]

Sometimes when Stone Face does stuff, guitar solos play.  Lovelock claims that the director can read his mind.  Then Big Boss punches through a guys head and Lovelock started to cry a little.  When Starkwell asked him what was up he simply sobbed “I’m just so happy!”

[...]

[Starkwell seems annoyed.]

Starkwell: Basically, we’re watching a cartoon?

[Lovelock seems excited.]

Lovelock: Basically! We’re watching a cartoon!

[...]

Stone Face and Big Boss end up fighting a field somewhere, and Big Boss explains that he needs to sacrifice the girl to open the gates of Hell, basically.  And that he is Stone Face’s brother.  And that he’s been waiting five hundred years for today.

[...]

Starkwell: Stone Face is taking all of this news rather well.

Lovelock: Nothing can shock Stone Face I tells ya… nothing.

[...]

Starkwell: The girl is wearing white… how is she still so clean?  I mean even without the blood and zombies and stuff, just, dirt from the woods?

[...]

Stone Face is resurrected with crazy super powers and then shit gets even more action packed and IN YOUR FACE.  I don’t hear Lovelock complaining.  However, Starkwell keeps rolling his eyes.  I assume that’s not a rave review.

[...]

Starkwell: Basically you could sum up this movie in five minutes.

Lovelock: But then how would you fit in all of the fights?

Starkwell: I’m not too concerned about that.

Lovelock: Well that’s cuz you’re an idiot.

[Stone Face explodes a guy with a huge gun.]

Lovelock: BOOM! Let’s see you work that into your five minute version.

Starkwell: I think you’re missing the point.

Lovelock: I think you’re missing the point.

[...]

Anyways, the movie is way too long, especially when there’s this much slow-motion added in for effect.  They kind of explain everything, but it’s a hot mess, what with the whole flashbacks and flashforwards to some kind of post apocalyptic future society of bald mutant vampires or something.  Comedy, action, melodrama romance, sci-fi… SAMURAI SWORDFIGHT TO THE MAXXXXXX!!!!! Judging by Lovelock’s grin though, I don’t think he has any issue with any of this.  Starkwell, well, that’s a different story.

[...]

Lovelock: I gotta say, that those 99 years were not kind to the forest.

Starkwell: What’s with the “Predator” lights?

[...]

The end.

The Ghoul.

Shortly after his turn as Frankenstein’s Monster, Boris Karloff played a zombie.  Well, it was a “Ghoul” I guess.  But considering it was right around the time of “White Zombie”, this was a highly original premise.  Karloff played walking corpses through much of the 30s and 40s I guess… As for this film, apparently it was basically lost for decades, and only as recently as 2003 was it actually PROPERLY released in its uncut restored version.  I’m getting that off of TEH INTARWEBS though, so honestly, who knows?  Starkwell and Lovelock seem as ready as ever.

[...]

[White actor covered in dark make-up… playing an… Arab?]

Starkwell: Is it still AS racist in black and white?

Lovelock: Had racism been invented yet?

Starkwell: Yeah, you know, I’m pretty sure it had.

[...]

The dialogue, acting, lighting, cinematography, set design and direction are actually quite captivating and totally top notch.  It turns out that Professor Morlant, Boris Karloff, has bought some sort of Egyptian artifact, hoping that it will grant him immortality, as he is on his death bed.

[...]

[Morlant dies and is buried in this crazy tomb with the Secret Jewel.  Then his servant guy lights the torches INSIDE the tomb, which locks from the inside…]

Lovelock: That tomb is off the charts.  Remind me to get a tomb like that.

Starkwell: Are you planning on coming back from the dead?

Lovelock: I sure as heck hope so.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie is visually stunning.

[...]

As the story continued to unfold, Starkwell and Lovelock sat quietly mesmerized.  Occasionally Lovelock mocked the British expressions… he said “guv’nah” more times than Starkwell could handle, resulting in a glorious “SHUT UP” launched at Lovelock.

[...]

[Introducing Betty and Ralph, Morlant was their “rich wacky uncle”.]

Starkwell: Best line ever… “No, we don’t like him very much.”

Lovelock: I think the follow-up from Betty’s servant was even better… “Oh… we don’t?  Why don’t we?”

[...]

Lovelock is starting to feel like the story is a bit slow moving, and is showing signs of boredom.  I think he is just desperately waiting for Undead Morlant to make his triumphant entrance.  Hopefully the slow buildup doesn’t hype it up so much that his eventual resurrection ends up being a letdown.  Starkwell, on the other hand, loves the deliberate pace.  I know because he keeps saying out loud “I love the deliberate pace”.

[...]

Lovelock: Everything that Betty’s assistant does is fucking hilarious.  This is a rare instance where the comic relief is not only welcome, but totally God damn effective.

[Starkwell agreed, and nodded his head so hard he gave himself whiplash.]

[...]

[Arab dude from the beginning is back, he has noticeably less dark make-up on his face this time around.  Betty’s servant hits on him and makes him a sandwich.]

Lovelock: Looks like the help like the dark meat.

Starkwell: Looks like the studio liked it less, since they definitely toned it down.

Lovelock: Can I interrupt the sandwich making Arab love fest for a moment to ask WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GHOUL!?!?

Starkwell: You may not.  Also, didn’t the servant take the Secret Jewel anyways… so how could Morlant even rise from the grave?

[...]

Morlant rises from his tomb, and his Servant Guy let’s out the most hilarious sounding GASP that Lovelock and Starkwell have ever heard.  They rewound and watched it over and over again.  Honestly, at least ten times…  Then he choked a dude, and Lovelock did a cartwheel.

[...]

[Betty’s Assistant says “that’s the last time I try to make coffee in a strange house” kind of randomly.]

Lovelock: That sounds like something I would say.

Starkwell: Well, no, you’d say “And that’s why I never make coffee in a strange house.”

Lovelock: Well, also… “I’m the guest.  Fuck you, you make the coffee.”

[...]

[Morlant eventually arrives at his old house and tries to find the Jewel.]

Starkwell: I’m not sure if he’s looking for the Jewel or just going around choking people.

Lovelock: He keeps on letting them live!  Choke harder!

[...]

In one of the final scenes, they doubled down on the amount of make-up they put on Arab guy’s face.  It’s probably the only issue that Starkwell has with this movie.  Lovelock’s major issue is, as he has stated “I’m mega bored.”

[...]

[Ralph throws a vase at the bad guy’s head.]

Lovelock: Solid stunt for 1933.

Starkwell: That guy’s probably dead.

Lovelock: Well… yeah the movie’s eighty years old.  DUH.

Starkwell: I didn’t mean… I meant… I hate you.

[...]

[Turns out Morlant was buried alive?]

Lovelock: Wait… he wasn’t a ghoul OR a zombie?  I feel cheated.

Starkwell: It’s a nice twist though…

Lovelock: This movie needed more choking.  Also more Zombie Karloff.

Starkwell: They JUST said that he wasn’t actually-

Lovelock: MORE ZOMBIE KARLOFF.

[...]

Eventually fire is set to the tomb, with Ralph and Betty still inside!  They eventually escape.  Then it ends as abruptly as most movies from this era do.

[...]

[Starkwell and Lovelock imagine how the editing sessions went.]

Starkwell: “Show them exit the tomb, then immediately cut to a black screen with the words ‘the end’, and that’s a wrap.”

Lovelock: "Should we let them say anything?"

Starkwell: “No.  Just smile, fade, ‘the end’, IMMEDIATELY STOP FILM.”

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - 8 Movie Pack Extreme!

So I bought a collection of 8 EXTREME ZOMBIE MOVIES.  It’s a release from something called “Cutting Edge Cinema”?  I can tell you, nothing here is cutting edge.  I paid about 6 bucks for the set, which is about 75 cents a movie.  I can’t help but still feel like I’ve been swindled.  Although, I did get my money’s worth out of forcing them upon Lovelock and Starkwell, I guess.

[...]

[ Porn Star Zombies (2009) ]

I guess it was a bit naïve to think that they would have watched this one longer than five minutes.

[...] 

Starkwell: Why is it black and white?

Lovelock: Was this thing shot on an iPhone?

Starkwell: If you knew the guys making this, would it be fun to watch?

Lovelock: Probably not, but since we don’t ESPECIALLY not.

Starkwell: I’d like to stop watching ASAP.

Lovelock: Deal.

[...]

There are a lot of booby and ass and boner jokes.  If you’re into that kind of a thing THIS SHOULD STILL BE AVOIDED.

[...]

[ Santa Claus vs. the Zombies (2010) ]

This movie is apparently about a family being hauled up in a house during the holidays and somehow Santa Claus and some Elves are there.  It’s over an hour and forty minutes.  Starkwell and Lovelock made it through one, and then fast forwarded for a while before calling it.

[...]

Starkwell: I can’t help but feel like this was just some actual family’s way to spend a few days.

Lovelock: It should be noted that no one in the family can act, or write or anything ever.

[...]

This movie ALMOST gets bad enough to become funny.  But it’s far too long and boring and awful for that to ever be a possibility.  The zombies look like they’d be third or fourth runner up at a lame Halloween costume contest at a local dive bar full of townies.

[...]

[ Biker Zombies from Detroit (2001) ]

The quality of the picture is WORSE than any DVD I’ve ever seen ever.  I’m sure the movie would have been insufferable enough without that.  But here we are.

[...]

Lovelock: Bad “metal” music? Check. Long dragged out shots of a guy riding his dirt bike? Check. Guy lifting weights in his socks? Check.  Actors screwing up their lines? Check.

Starkwell: Dude, I already can’t anymore.

[...]

Sometime in the middle of a long conversation between two of the characters about how fifteen year old girls are hot and the director showing an actual close-up on three asses of girls that looked no older than fourteen, Starkwell and Lovelock stopped.  I’m sure there would eventually actually be some zombies, but they weren’t going to hang around and find out.  And then at the end there are about eight minutes of credits… it really makes you wonder how it took that many people to make this piece of shit.  This is another one that could have been "funny bad" if it weren't so slow moving awful and the worst.

[...]

[ Bled White (2009) ]

The review I had read said “Pulp Fiction” meets “Zombieland”.  RIiiiiiiiiight…

[...]

Lovelock: I will say this… It looks like the camcorder they used for this one had like, eight or nine features.

Starkwell: I love that they film trees without leaves to establish that it’s a WASTELAND…

Lovelock: More like "someone's high school English project" meets "honestly, I'm not sure"...

[...]

Taking on this huge of a premise on no budget is probably foolish.  After the main characters decided to eat another human, Starkwell was actually intrigued… but still, he and Lovelock left.  The box says this movie won “awards”.  I guess the awards it gets from Starkwell and Lovelock are “closest to actually being watched”, and “if it had any budget, it would still be bad, but much more watchable than the others on this shitty DVD set”.

[...]

[ Office of the Dead (2009) ]

Unlike the first four films, this one is actually filmed in WIDESCREEN, and looks like it may have even been filmed with cameras that cost more than "somewhere between fifty bucks and cellphone".  I think Lovelock and Starkwell were also a bit kinder to this one since it revolves around Software Engineers…

[...]

Starkwell: A movie made for nerds, by nerds?

Lovelock: Dude, I’m a nerd, and I’m not sold yet.

Starkwell: It’s clear that they filmed this in an actual office…

Lovelock: Seriously, I hope their boss doesn’t see this.

Starkwell: I wouldn’t be worried about that.

Lovelock: Maybe the boss at the place is the one in charge of the filming… “Threat Level Midnight” style.

Starkwell: They clearly don’t think much of marketing people.

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure they didn’t clear it with Google that they showed a guy checking out porn in Chrome.

Starkwell: Unless they work at Google.

Lovelock: How about we quit while we’re ahead.  What do you think?

Starkwell: Done.

[...]

The rest of the movie was whatever.  This is an even better example of “if those were dudes at my work, and it was filmed at my office, this would be watchable.  Still bad, but fun to watch anyways.”  And it was much more competently made than the others in this set.  Probably because they’re all software engineers.  But… neither Lovelock nor Starkwell works with or knows these people.  Sooooo…

[...]

[ Bunker of Blood (2012) ]

This is actually made by the same people as “Santa Claus vs. the Zombies”, and directed by the same guy.  Unfortunately for this movie, as soon as Lovelock and Starkwell saw that name go up on the screen.  They actually pressed stop, so they really didn’t have much to say.

[...]

Starkwell: If you like “Santa Claus vs. the Zombies” then you’ll probably love “Bunker of Blood”.

Lovelock: If you like “Santa Claus vs. the Zombies” then it’s probably time to give up.  On life.

Starkwell: You think at the end of most of these scenes the actors were like “nailed it!”?

Lovelock: Man, I hope so.

[...]

It would have been nice if they had even just made it through ten minutes of this one.  Some of the opening scenes were COMICALLY bad.  Especially the slow motion shots.  At least it’s not a sequel to “Claus”.  There are most of the same actors, though.

[...]

[ Night of the Dead (2009) ]

Not to be confused with an ‘Asylum’ movie of the same name released a few years earlier (also, according to the opening credits, this one is actually called “Night of the Dead – Friday the 13th”), this one has Ron Jeremy in it.  It starts suddenly without setting up anything.  Basically people are making out in a tropical forest, and the dude runs into his ex girlfriend and then people in HASMAT suits start following them with axes.  Lovelock and Starkwell actually got through more of this one, but only because they left it playing in the background while they made and ate sandwiches.

[...]

Starkwell: Bah! Mats soma dum worsh speshfex vevver sea.

[Starkwell’s mouth was full of sandwich.  I believe he was commenting on the fact that most houses’ Halloween decorations are more convincing than the special effects in this film, thus far.]

[...]

Once Starkwell and Lovelock finished eating they left the room.  I assumed that meant they wanted me to stop it.  I think Ron Jeremy’s job was to look disgusting as always and provide the film makers with girls that would show their boobies and have no problem putting their face in kitty litter.

[...]

[ The Chosen One (2009) ]

After a much needed and deserved break, they came back to try to finish the set with another film in black and white for absolutely no reason.

[...]

Lovelock: Even though this one seems to have better acting than the others, HOLY FUCKBALLS THIS IS BORING.

Starkwell: You're just saying that because it's an old guy, and you always think old guys and British people are good actors.

Lovelock: Dude, totally.  And old British people? Forget about it!

Starkwell: Worst special effects.  And somehow… most nonsensical.

Lovelock: Seriously, what the shit is even happening?

Starkwell: We’re pressing stop.  That's what is happening.

Lovelock: Victory!

[...]

Slow moving doesn’t even begin to describe this one.  I’ve seen carpet commercials with more story.  Before I let them leave, I told them I had a BONUS MOVIE for them.

[...]

[ Dating a Zombie (2012) ]

This one wasn’t actually in the set.  It’s more of a bonus movie in that I feel it fits in well here.  I know one of the actors in the movie so I’ve edited Starkwell and Lovelock’s brief conversation to an even briefer one.  I might be paraphrasing.  I should mention that they sat through much more of this one than the eight from the set, and it is generally a better movie.  But…Still... 

[...]

Starkwell: That one actor in particular steals the show.

Lovelock: Agreed.  Best actor of the day.

[Guess who he's talking about.]

[...]

So it is true that knowing someone in the movie somehow makes the movie more fun to watch!  Well, at least for the scenes with that person.  While this does give some perspective and assistance in answering the question “who would actually watch and enjoy these movies?”, it doesn’t change the fact that one answer is a resounding NOT LOVELOCK AND NOT STARKWELL.

Dead Alive.

The nineties didn’t offer much to the horror genre at all, let alone to the zombie genre itself.  Luckily one offering was Peter Jackson’s “Braindead”, or as I’ve always known it, “Dead Alive”.  If you haven’t seen this movie, you should probably stop reading this and run to go watch it.  It’s that good.  Unfortunately, much like “Meet the Feebles”, there isn’t really a very nice and luxurious DVD print of the film yet.  That doesn’t really matter since, ANY version of this movie is better than NO version of this movie.  However, I believe that there is a longer, uncut version of this film that I have still never seen.  Bullshit.

[...]

[Zoo official steals RAT MONKEY, gets bitten on hand, arm and face by said RAT MONKEY.  Local guides cut off his hand, then arm, then face.]

Starkwell: Subtle.

Lovelock: ZINGAYA!

Starkwell: Wait, so who’s going to bring it back to the zoo?

[Locals sell RAT MONKEY to zoo people, I assume, as they load it onto a plane.]

Lovelock: Does that answer your question?

Starkwell: I love that, although they feel bad about sending ZINGAYA off to the rest of the world, that one guy looks SO HAPPY to get paid.

Lovelock: Best face ever.

[...]

We are then introduced to Pequita and her creepy ass Tarot Grandma… Tarot Grandma gives her a reading and says she will soon meet the man of her dreams, love of her life, and then... she meets Lionel!!!  In just one scene, Starkwell and Lovelock have already agreed that he is phenomenal at physical comedy, and that he is awesome, and they love him, and they want the movie to last forever.  Then we meet Lionel’s mom, and in just one scene, Starkwell and Lovelock have already agreed that she is phenomenal at being awful, and that she is indeed quite awful, and they hate her, and they want her to die immediately.  Pequita and Lionel meet once more and plan to go to the zoo.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m not sure what period this is supposed to be… it’s definitely not present day, but at the same time, feels timeless.

[...]

[At the zoo, Rat Monkey punches a regular monkey, rips its arm off, and eats it.]

Lovelock: Film Makers need to start using stop motion again, I love how it looks.  So creepy.

[Lionel’s Mom spies on Lionel and Pequita and is bitten by Rat Monkey.  Mom squashes Rat Monkey’s head with her heel.] 

Lovelock: ZINGAYA!  She’s got… THE BITE.  That makes me so happy.

Starkwell: It’s pretty obvious who the real enemy is.

[...]

Lionel and Pequita spend the night together, and Mother’s infection worsens.  They show the oozing wound, and it is already clear to Starkwell and Lovelock that this movie is going to be intensely disgusting.  As Mother’s condition worsens exponentially, her speech is slurred, her skin and body parts start falling off and apart, some guests arrive.

[...]

[Mother’s wound oozes into one guests custard, her ear falls into her own.  The guest eats the ooze, Mother eats her ear.]

Lovelock: Holy shit…

[Starkwell didn’t say anything, as he left to go vomit.  In an unexpected twist, he asked us to pause it while he went to vomit, not wanting to miss any of it.]

[...]

Then Mother eats Pequita’s dog, falls down the stairs, dies.  Then she rises and goes FULL zombie, and rips off the nurse’s head.  I can’t possibly document what Starkwell and Lovelock were saying, as most of it was stuff like “YEAH, FUCK YEAH” or “I’m… so… happy…” or “can we watch it in slow motion so it lasts longer?”.  After some more comedy / gore / awesome, Lionel ends up locking the two zombies (Mother and Nurse) in his basement and keeping them at bay with the use of tranquilizer, which he injects continuously up his Mother’s nose.  Eventually she escapes and gets hit by a trolley, and the locals see her, and assume she’s dead, so… a funeral is held.

[...]

[Lionel keeps injecting his Mom with tranquilizer, so no one catches on.  She is buried.]

Starkwell: Well, that won’t end well.

Lovelock: For the characters in the film? No.  For us? HELL FUCKING YEAH.

[...]

So, that night, Lionel attempts to dig up Mother, but is interrupted by some punks.  Mother explodes out of her grave and kills one of the punks, and then, well, ZOMBIE OUTBREAK IN THE CEMETERY.  The priest shows up, and starts fighting zombies, ripping their limbs off… etc.

[...]

Lovelock: I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!

[...]

Priest eventually dies and Lionel tranquilizes all of them, and then has them all over for dinner in his dining room, obviously.  His uncle shows up, complete with cold sores and his difficulty to pee.

[...]

[Two of the zombies hump at the dinner table.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never invite zombies over for dinner.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

As the movie continues to play out, one thing is made abundantly clear.  THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING GROSS.  Nurse Zombie, fresh from being humped by Priest Zombie gives birth to Baby Zombie in the basement.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie should com with a warning: “DO NOT EAT DURING, OR EVEN IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO WATCHING THE FILM.  ALSO, AFTER WATCHING YOU MAY NEVER REGAIN YOUR APPETITE.”

[...]

Lionel took Baby Zombie out for a walk, because, you know, that’s what you do in this situation.  I have never heard the guys laugh as hard as they did during this scene.  I believe at the end Lovelock said “The real question is how we can watch any other movie again after this.  What could possibly ever follow this?  Nothing.”

[...]

[Uncle finds stiffs, blackmails Lionel, throws a party.]

Lovelock: Ugh, his herpes are spreading…

Starkwell: You know you’re watching a fucked up movie when "a dirty dude’s huge mouth herpes" IS NOT even that high on the list of "most disgusting parts" of said movie.

[...]

Lionel then attempts to poison the zombies, not realizing that he actually injected them all with an animal stimulant.  As Uncle Herpes tries to rape Pequita, the Stimulated Zombies explode from the basement and turn the party into GOREFEST INFINITY.  The important thing to note is that it’s not just the AMOUNT of gore that is so special… Anyone can just utilize buckets of blood… it’s the creativity behind it all, how Zombies and Humans are being killed.  You’ve never seen anything like it.  Once again, I can’t possibly document what Starkwell and Lovelock were saying, as most of it was stuff like “YEAH, FUCK YEAH” or “I’m… so… happy…” or “can we watch it in slow motion so it lasts longer?”.

[...]

[Lionel uses lawnmower to “mow” down zombies.]

Lovelock: So… much… blood…

Starkwell: How do you film a scene like this without vomiting everywhere?

[...]

As Lionel has his final epic battle with Mother, and confronts her about the truth of his father’s death,  that Mother actually drowned him, Lionel is reborn, figuratively… although he does end up inside her and explodes out of her crotchal region… so there’s some NOT SO SUBTLE symbolism there.  The house explodes and Lionel and Pequita live happily ever after.  So do the audience.  Starkwell and Lovelock high-fived each other seven times in a row.  I think Lovelock's hand bled a little.

Otto; or Up with Dead People.

I probably shouldn’t even attempt to show Starkwell and Lovelock a zombie film directed by the artsy Canadian gay-porn director Bruce LaBruce.  But hopefully by not telling them that’s what it is, they’ll venture far enough into it to be truly shocked and give it a chance. “Otto” is actually a half German half Canadian film.  The intro starts and involves epic music, shots of zombie Otto, stock footage of explosions, weird hand drawn sketches and people shooting a film.

[...]

[Otto rises from grave, narrator explains the evolution of zombies.  Talks about how zombies came about because of war and the hostility of humans, in general.]

Starkwell: I like the style so far, this is an interesting intro and take on the whole thing…

Lovelock: Otto actually looks pretty cool.

[Otto eats a cat in the graveyards.]

Lovelock: Fucking rad.

[...]

Otto has a super thick German accent.  He talks about his hardships as a zombie.  I should note, that when we see anything from ‘Otto perspective’ it looks all pink and shiny.  The soundtrack is full of noise and distortion, and while Otto eats some roadkill, some music plays that sounds like Yoko Ono on acid underwater with harps for hands.  Lovelock and Starkwell are starting to freak out a little.

[...]

[Suddenly, there’s another title flashed on the screen “Up With Dead People” and it’s in black and white.]

Starkwell: Is this a movie within a movie, or what are we seeing?

Lovelock: This movie is trying so hard to be weird that my brain hurts a little.  Also, fuck you, movie.

[...]

It cuts back and forth between Otto hitchhiking and the Black and White “Up With Dead People” where a strung out dude starts… making out with a zombie dude?  Now we see the director of “Up With Dead People”, and she talks about how Otto auditioned to be in her movie… this bizarre shit went on and on.  It's like a weird interpretive dance number that goes on forever and involves penis.  Starkwell and Lovelock got increasingly confused… and it became clear that the movie within the movie “Up Wth Dead People” was a gay porno film.

[...]

Lovelock: So far gay zombies seem pretty nice.

[...]

Otto sat in a junkyard and very slowly zombies approached him, then they had an orgy of sex and flesh eating.  It cut back and forth between Otto’s orgy in the junkyard, and the black and white zombies making out.  Sometime around the moment when one zombie started having sex with another one’s wound (and I should add, that this is all very explicit, and full close-ups of actual penile penetration with wound are shown and heard), Starkwell and Lovelock both got up and walked out of the room without looking at me.  Mission accomplished.

[...]

Lovelock: Why, dude?

[...]

Honestly, this is the closest I’ve seen to ACTUALLY reproducing how shocking old Grindhouse Cult Shock-Trash were back in the seventies.  But that doesn’t mean they have to like it.  Or watch it.  Bizarre.