So the film is a cheap Canadian horror film. The DVD, once you hit “play movie” it opens up
with the cheapest looking, shot on VHS (EVEN THOUGH IT’S 2007), footage of the
director, Brian Singleton, talking about the movie in an unbuttoned Hawaiian
shirt, chest flowing in the breeze, while “drinking” from what looks to be a
“brown-bagged” bottle of… champagne?
Apple cider? I think we might
need something stronger to get through this.
[...]
[After the opening credits, shots of car driving, worst “pop
punk” music ever plays.]
Starkwell: Why is always a bad “pop punk” song?
Lovelock: Probably because it’s always like “director’s
brother’s shitty band”.
Starkwell: Good call.
[...]
The movie is CLEALY just a movie made by a bunch of dudes
for fun while on summer vacation. It’s
bad, but I could see maybe it would be fun to watch if you know the people in
the movie. To be totally fair, for what
is clearly a no-budget movie shot by a bunch of friends, it’s alright I guess. Bad writing, bad jokes, and no acting at all…
but somehow Lovelock and Starkwell haven’t set fire to the TV yet… granted,
it’s early. The guys talking in the fake
Quebec accents are REALLY bad. Really
fucking bad. I would expect more from actual
Canadians. They're probably from Toronto.
[...]
[Blonde girl is wearing an Expos shirt.]
Starkwell: Let’s go Expos!
Lovelock: I’m pretty sure the redneck mechanic was quoting
“Fletch” just now…
[...]
The premise is pretty straightforward. A group of teens go camping at an old campsite
that is closed down and rumored to be haunted, and bad shit happens. The problem is, it is taking a really long
time to get going. Also the novelty of
this being backyard horror made by a bunch of dumb kids from Ontario is wearing
off, and now everyone is getting crazy bored.
[...]
Lovelock: At least they haven’t played any more of that
shitty “my friend’s band” music.
[...]
Then randomly the girl walks in on her boyfriend, one of the
Quebec dudes, and he’s in his sleeping bag naked with the other Quebec
dude? Because, people from Quebec are
gay? At this point the movie lost
Starkwell. He got up, said something
about being too old for this shit, and ran out of the room, top speed. Just then, the movie shifted, and people
finally started dying.
[...]
Lovelock: Why would kids from Quebec be drinking moonshine?
[...]
Then the group’s friends show up. Basically a second group of shitty
non-actors. It’s like the movie has
started over. This second group is as
obnoxious as the first. Equally unfunny. I think the best shot in the movie so far was
one where the “afro” guy was “taking a leak”… but when he turned his head, you
could see that he was just squeezing a Gatorade bottle. Makes me think that they couldn’t afford a
second bottle of Gatorade, so they were like “I think we got it”.
[...]
Lovelock: The nerd guy’s vest is different in every scene.
[...]
Lovelock: These woods
look like the same ones that Fred Penner shot his show in.
[...]
Seriously, what ever happened to that guy? Also, what ever happened to Raffi?
[...]
Lovelock: If it’s an abandoned campground why would there be
an old basketball court… in an abandoned parking lot… next to a highway? Wait they have a rock climbing wall?
[...]
Fred Penner had an album in 2008? Crazy.
And Raffi has been upto some seriously rad shit. Amazing.
Also he had a new album this year?
Oh also, the movie still sucks.
Nothing has happened for the last half hour.
[...]
[Zombies rip nerd guy in half and eat his intestines.]
Lovelock: I mean, it looked awful, but ‘A’ for effort.
[In the next shot, his vest is different again.]
[...]
Lovelock: If you are alone, being chased by zombies, and you
wander into and old farmhouse, and you stumble upon a piano… WHY WOULD YOU HIT
ONE OF THE KEYS?
[...]
In the end everyone
dies. And then there are ten minutes of
ending credits and bloopers. The guys
who made this obviously love movies and each other, even if they themselves are
terrible at writing and maybe even editing, and none of them can act. And their friend’s band sucks. They’re not half bad at gore though. The effects are obviously cheap, but a lot of
fun and pretty bloody. They shouldn’t
have wasted so much time setting up story.
If it just been full of a lot more of the gags that were all over the
last twenty minutes, this might have actual been enjoyable.
