I won’t lie, I’m pretty psyched to watch this one with
Lovelock and Starkwell. J.R. Bookwalter
was the man behind “Dead Next Door”, which was a pretty fantastic, while still
being completely fucking terrible, backyard horror film. Starkwell wasn’t able to get through the
whole thing, while Lovelock couldn’t help but marvel at the gore and
ridiculousness. Let’s see where his
follow up falls. I should mention, let’s
see where his ZOMBIE follow up falls.
Because his actual follow up to “Dead Next Door” was a movie called
“Robot Ninja”, which I think we all can agree is probably amazing...ly bad.
[...]
[Definitely a shot on video film. The intro is just squiggly lines that look
like a Windows ’95 Screen Saver.]
Lovelock: Music by “Porn Music Guy from the Early Nineties”.
Starkwell: Shot in beautiful 4:3 on VHS Camcorders.
[The director used a different name for the Director
slot. Not starting off well.]
Lovelock: Lance Randas? Between that and the music... Are we sure this isn’t porno?
[...]
[Some “voodoo” priest cuts his arm with some special effects
that would embarrass magicians at childrens’ birthday parties.]
Lovelock: So many closeups… of teeth.
Starkwell: If every scene is as unnecessarily long as this
one, we are in for some real-
Lovelock: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
[...]
Anyways, two cops show up to apprehend Voodoo Priest, and
after some terrible acting, one of the cops AND the Voodoo Priest both die in a
shootout. Arguably the lamest shootout
ever.
[...]
Starkwell: So the voodoo priest would have pictures of
zombies that he printed out on computer paper hung on his wall?
Lovelock: And movie posters?
Starkwell: And he has a subscription to Playboy?
Lovelock: Vood priest named "Death", keeping it real classy.
Starkwell: The ladies must love his pad.
[...]
Anyways, then we are treated to a half decent “Zombie Cop
rises out of his grave” sequence. After
some more of the shittiest acting I’ve ever seen, the basic plot is that the
“Zombie Cop” wants to recruit his former partner in an attempt to stop Zombie
Voodoo Priest Guy from taking over the world?
[...]
[Zombie Cop hits the town looking for information.]
Lovelock: Those two “punks” are easily the lamest looking
thugs in the history of cinema.
Starkwell: What the... Ok, I’m out.
[...]
Starkwell walked out because the actor portraying the
“INDIAN” convenience store owner was a white guy with brown paint all over his
face. With a towel on his head. An actual towel. It is the most racist thing I think I’ve ever
seen in a movie. I honestly wish I was
joking. Then one of the thugs called him
“towelhead”. There are also SO MANY forced
horrible one-liners. This movie is
embarrassing.
[...]
Lovelock: At least “Dead Next Door” had blood and guts.
[...]
Lovelock: So the cop also has movie posters on his wall?
[...]
Lovelock: Did that guy just tell the cop to stick his badge “up
the rear”?
[...]
It gets worse.
There’s another scene with the fake Indian guy. This time they didn’t even paint his face
brown. But he does have a bunch of
dialogue wherein he speaks in an insanely offensive accent. Also, he says his name and his name is all
“gibberish” and super long. Then there’s
a shot of a guy watching “Robot Ninja”. Bookwalter
gives HIMSELF a shout out. Man, fuck
J.R. Bookwalter.
[...]
Lovelock: The kids playing on that soccer field look really
confused as to why there are people with camcorders filming a really shitty
and slow chase between a guy in a cop outfit and a guy in a Jamaican outfit.
[...]
You know what else is bad
in this movie? The editing. The music.
The writing. The everything. Just a well-rounded painful turd. The end.
And by the way, the last scene is another scene starring racism.
