Psychomania.

As far as Zombie Biker movies go, there isn’t much competition out there.  That might be because ‘Psychomania’ raised the bar far too high for anyone else to match.  Or, it could be that ‘Psychomania’ was so bad, that no one really tried it ever again.  Well, let’s find out.  This Don Sharp picture is on some kind of DVD that warns us right off the bat, that the negative of this film is “lost”, and that we shouldn’t expect a very high quality picture.  Gentlemen, start your engines.

[...]

[The opening credits have a song that seems to be some kind of ‘Psychomania’ theme song.]

Starkwell: There really needs to be more movies with theme songs.

Lovelock: Like ‘Stroker Ace’?

Starkwell: Definitely not like ‘Stroker Ace’.

[...]

[Main character treats his lady like absolute dirt.  She still seems very into him.]

Starkwell: She needs to read “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

Lovelock: Maybe she’s the exception.

Starkwell: Exceptionally stupid.

Lovelock: She's my exception...

[...]

[Enter a butler with an odd name, and a main character wearing a ridiculous turtleneck shirt.]

Lovelock: Is the butler’s name ‘Schedule’?

Starkwell: I don’t know, but the dollar-store frog medallion will surely protect turtleneck from the evils of the world.

Lovelock: I'm starting to think he might be the evil of the world...

[...]

[Cut to a montage of the biker ‘gang’ looking lame, and doing incredibly tame things.]

Starkwell: They’re a pretty weenie biker gang.

Lovelock: I don’t see what they’ve done so far that’s so dangerous.

Starkwell: Those helmets seem to have terrible visibility, so there’s that.

[...]

[The main character jumps out of a moving vehicle and says something like ‘See ya later.’]

Lovelock: I think ‘Navy Seals’ stole that line.

Starkwell: You shouldn’t know that.

[...]

[At the funeral, some hippy dude sits underneath a tree playing a folk song that lyrically explains that the main character died.  We then witness the main character buried on his motorcycle, in a riding position.]

Lovelock: Holy shit, when I die, bury me like that.

Starkwell:  I promise I'll play that song too…

[...]

[After a long musical montage, it fades out, but then suddenly, fades back in again.  I should add that there was one of the best ‘rise from the grave’ scenes ever, in which he explodes out of the grave riding his motorcycle.]

Starkwell: Wait, they buried the motorcycle with a full tank?

Lovelock: Gas was cheaper back then.

[...]

[Zombie biker goes to bar and picks up a girl quicker and easier than James Bond ever could.]

Starkwell: Zombie boy has a way with the ladies?

Lovelock: Well, yeah, look at his hair.  It’s unbelievable.

[...]

[Main character punches innocent woman.]

Lovelock: She was asking for it, if you ask me.

Starkwell: I didn’t ask, nor will I ever, now.

[...]

[Apparently to return from the dead, you just have to believe that you will.]

Starkwell: “All you have to do is believe!”... ?

Lovelock: It’s a ‘Peter Pan’ remake.

Starkwell: It most certainly isn’t.

Lovelock: I know where ‘The Secret’ got all of its ideas.

[...]

[As the main character continues to stir up trouble, there doesn’t seem to be any reason for anything.]

Lovelock: This movie is shockingly groovy, man.

Starkwell: Not really seeing a story or point yet… And honestly, they’re the least bad-ass people in the history of cinema.  That butler has more edge than the biker gang.

Lovelock: Maybe that’s the point.

Starkwell: That’s not a point.

Lovelock: Not to you, but I give this movie a million points so far.

[...]

[Even though the characters commit suicide in crazy ways like falling off of a bridge, when they revive post-mortem, they seem to be undamaged.]

Starkwell: Apparently none of their deaths disfigured them.

Lovelock: You’d be amazed what modern science can do.

Starkwell: This movie is forty years old.

[...]

Then there was a weirdly out of focus dream sequence, during which Starkwell and Lovelock spent the whole time talking about different British rockers that should have been cast in turtleneck's role.

[...]

[For some reason, the most recent biker suicides are to be given an autopsy, instead of being buried on their motorcycles in riding position.]

Starkwell: Why are they getting autopsies when the first two did not?

Lovelock: The same reason that they are fully clothed at the morgue.

[...]

Somewhere around the moment that one of the “gang” ran into a baby carriage, Starkwell got up to take a dump and said “Don’t pause it.”  He came back in time to catch the ending, which he seemed to like, although felt it would have been more effective had we given a shit about any of the characters.  Lovelock said the frog wasn’t so bad.  That kind of says it all, doesn’t it?  Cool concepts though, and a bitchin’ soundtrack to boot.

Ghosts of Mars.

Having read mixed reviews for John Carpenter’s ‘Ghosts of Mars’, I tried to send the two in with low expectations, telling them not to think of Carpenter’s earlier work, but merely to go in blind.  I realize that this shouldn't really count as a zombie film, but that hasn't stopped me before.  It has ELEMENTS of zombie films.  I guess.  Anyways, the incredibly used DVD didn’t cost much, so, it should at least be worth the price.  Let’s go.

[...]

[The hammy acting and odd musical choices make for a surreal atmosphere as they introduce the story, and Ice Cube’s character.]

Starkwell: Desolation Williams?  They may as well have just named him Ice Cube, since that’s pretty much what he’s playing.

Lovelock: Wait that is Ice Cube.

Starkwell: Uh… yeah.

Lovelock: Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money.

[...]

For the next, what felt like forever, the two discussed in detail whether or not Carpenter meant for the movie to be this cheesy.  It’s hard to argue it’s an accident when you see that hot air balloon crash.  While it was difficult to see it any other way (I respect Carpenter too much to think that he accidentally made it cheesy), it didn’t always feel like the actors were in on the joke.  Neither Allen nor Lionel could believe Pam Grier died so early in the movie.

[...]

[It is shown that the ‘zombies’ in the movie involve more of the demonic alien possession style people than the more traditional walking corpse.]

Lovelock: Those aren’t zombies.

Starkwell: Let’s bail.

[...]

They took off, but I sat through the rest.  I sort of wish I hadn’t.  I’m sort of glad I did.

Vengeance of the Zombies.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Naschy.  I’m hoping that he lives up to all of the infamy in the Leon Klimovsky directed “Vengeance of the Zombies”.  As I start the DVD, a Special Edition release from Victory Films, we are treated with, what I assume we are supposed to already know is present day Paul Naschy, talking about how unbelievably brilliant the movie we are about to watch is.  Basically, I don’t need to try and hype it up to Starkwell and Lovelock, since Naschy is already taking care of that.  After a few minutes of Naschy talking about Naschy, the movie starts.

[...]

[It's a Spanish language film, and thankfully it is presented here in its original language.]

Lovelock: Subtitles?! Man…

Starkwell: You’re not really a reader are you?

[...]

[Introduction of a grave-robber who seems to be stealing jewelry for a woman's affection.  A homely one at that.] 

Starkwell: Damn, dude, I hope the sex is worth it, she’s forcing you to rob graves.

Lovelock: Hey, he’s no spring chicken.  He needs to take what he can get.

[...]

[Strangely dressed ghost-phantom-demon thing whizzes by in slow-mo.]

Starkwell: I don’t know if slow-motion is what we need right now.

Lovelock: Maybe we can fast-forward until something makes sense.

[...]

[The credits are STILL playing, and the actor names are still popping up, one simply named ROMMY.  I should add that all of this is happening over a completely sensationally wild jazz-lounge-funky score. Then one of Paul Naschy's many characters picks up hot coals.  Music continues.]

Lovelock: There’s no acting there, Naschy is really holding those coals.

Starkwell: Seriously, it’s like the soundtrack to a vintage porno film.

[...]

[Devil thing takes an ax off of the wall of the house that they are in and hacks his face.]

Lovelock: See, that’s why I don’t decorate my apartment with dangerous axes and knives.

[...]

[Cut to the funeral for the ax-in-face guy.]

Starkwell: The guy in the coffin has way more hair than the guy that died.

Lovelock: They probably really drove an axe into the actor's face, so they couldn’t use the same guy for the funeral scene.

[...]

[The deceased man's lady friend seems obsessed with going to seek help from some guru guy, who is so clearly evil.  She shows up at a train station and is greeted by a guy with a melted face who is set to bring her to the guru's place.]

Starkwell: “His name is Krishna Satan, I mean Sanatan, and he just bought the DEVIL HOUSE.  I should go visit him at the DEVIL HOUSE.”  Great plan.  Oh, even better, let the creepy burnface guy take you there.

Lovelock: Don’t judge, he’s just trying to make a living.

[...] 

[I can't even describe what's happening.  The guru's place looks like something out of a really bad dream.  There are weird gold painted women, and the guru seems to have a harem of women, most dressed in nighties.  The newly arrived main character seems to be stealing the affection of the guru away from his LADY IN WAITING or whatever the hell she is.]

Starkwell: Words cannot describe the cheepnis of what we are witnessing.

Lovelock: Those zombie girls sure look happy.

Starkwell: Goldfinger?

Lovelock: Woah, get a room, Naschy.

Starkwell: Looks like he did…

Lovelock: Love triangle!

[...]

[There's a guy creeping around with his face covered, and he is watching the main character chicky sleep.]

Lovelock: Creepiest ninja I’ve ever seen.

Starkwell: Cut to… meat locker?

Lovelock: That’s no ninja!

Starkwell: It probably was Naschy, though.

[...]

[Someone that looks like the guru, mainly because half the characters are played by Paul Naschy, breaks into the morgue with his henchmen, to steal bodies.]

Starkwell: How did they get in anyways, didn’t they see that the morgue closes at 5pm?  Because the director sure made it a point to show us the sign, for about five whole seconds... out of focus.

Lovelock: Voodoo never closes.

[...]

[Randomly, there is mention of Baron Samedi.]

Lovelock: Who is Baron Samedi?

Starkwell: Paul Naschy, probably.

Lovelock: This story makes so much sense.

[...]

There's really no way for me to actually explain some of what is going on, so I will simply present randomly some things that the guys were saying over the next little while, and it will paint a picture of how warped and nonsensical this film is.

[...]

Starkwell: Hide behind the mask all you want, Naschy, you are still so Naschy.

Lovelock: Burnt Naschy!

Starkwell: Maybe that girl is Naschy.

Lovelock: But that would mean that Naschy is fondling Naschy’s breasts.

Starkwell: She has an awful lot of outfits for someone who arrived with no suitcase.

Lovelock: Slowest fight scene ever.

Starkwell: Aw, Naschy got his best whites all dirty.

[...]

[A cheaply shot voodoo sequence takes place, and the police are there, and people get killed.  That's the best I can do to explain it.]

Starkwell: Seeing a decapitated woman and subsequently seeing Naschy kill or wound a man has rendered her… horny?

Lovelock: Honestly, I don’t know what to believe anymore.  Which Naschy is that Naschy?  Who are those people?  Why are the zombies so happy?

Starkwell: This story makes so much sense.

[...]

[There's a disturbing shot of an actual chicken being slaughtered followed by more smiling lingerie zombies frolicking around in slow-mo.]

Starkwell: Obviously since the whole movie is so realistic, they felt it was necessary to actually cut the head off of a real chicken for that scene.

Lovelock: How else are you going to raise the lingerie zombies from their conveniently placed coffins?

Starkwell: I don’t think you’re following me.

Lovelock: I don’t think you’re following the movie.

Starkwell: Not sure that it’s possible.  Even for Naschy.

[...]

[Cut to some other character that I think we saw at the beginning, but who knows... He runs into a woman riding a bike, and somehow they end up making out.]

Starkwell: See a woman riding a bike.  Hit her with your car.  Take her to a park.  Make love.  The Art of Seduction, by Paul Naschy.

Lovelock: Can I borrow your car?

[...]

[The movie ends pretty suddenly with a lot more death and the falling of lingerie zombies, mostly in slow-mo again.]

Lovelock: I see where ‘Fight Club’ got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: What?

[...]

The ending credits play out with super funky music and an 'Eddie Murphy in the Klumps' style montage of different characters played by Naschy.  Lovelock and Starkwell both concluded that this was a terrible movie, one of the worst that they had ever seen.  But that didn’t stop them from wanting to re-watch it.  Immediately.  Thank you, Naschy, wherever you are.

House.

Most people think of Hugh Laurie when they hear “House”, but some of us think “Ding Dong, You’re Dead”.  The DVD we are watching is from Anchor Bay, although I read a new version is coming out soon.  Fred Dekker wrote this, and given that he is the mind behind the fantastic "Night of the Creeps", hopes are flying high.  Like Creeps, this also came out in '86.  good year for Dekker, good year for film fans.  Ding dong...

[...]

[Flashback to the past at the haunted mansion of the main character's recently deceased aunt. It might help if I mention that the main character, named Roger, is played by William Katt.]

Lovelock: Mrs Hooper has an odd choice in art.

Starkwell: It’s called foreshadowing.

Lovelock: Yeah well, believe it or not he’s walking on air.

[...]

[Roger sees his child drowning in the pool and leaps in to save him.]

Lovelock:  Did you see him dive in for that kid?  He might just be, the Greatest American Hero.

Starkwell: You have to promise me that’s the last time, because so far the movie is great, and if you keep that up, you will ruin it.


[I should mention that William Katt played the main character in the television series entitled "The Greatest American Hero".]

[...]

[Sketchy real estate agent gives Roger the tour of his newly inherited mansion, during which they see a lot of weird tools, art pieces, and well, a harpoon that the agent fires 'accidentally' in the direction of our hero.  I don't know the actor's name that played the agent, but I recognize him as one of those 80's character actors who always plays sleazebags.]

Lovelock: I don’t trust this real estate guy.

Starkwell: Was it the harpoon misfire? Genius?

Lovelock: No, it’s because that actor always plays dickheads. 

Starkwell: Yeah, keep the House, that’s a great idea.

Lovelock: It’s an investment.  Rent is for suckers.

[...]

[Roger wears an awful sweater, and we are introduced to George Wendt's character, the neighbor.]

Lovelock: Well we found the movie’s first big flaw: The Low-Cut V-Neck.

Starkwell: Norm just rescued the scene though with AMAZING COMEDY.

[...]

I was eating blueberry scones for a while, so I missed a lot of what Allen and Lionel were saying, but at some point during a flashback scene they mentioned something about Vietnam looking pretty gosh darn wacky.  Also, that the jungle didn’t look like the jungle.  Many more comments were made about Roger’s sweaters.

Then they kept repeating the line “Do you think I’m… Looney Tunes?”

[...]

[Roger's wife is a famous actress in the movie, and somehow the neighbor is able to call her from his home phone.  I don't know, I guess she was in the phone book.]

Starkwell: She’s awfully easy to reach for a famous actress.

Lovelock: Uh, yeah, it’s called realism.

Starkwell: In that case, find me William Katt's number, I want to see if he still has those sweaters.

[...]

[The haunted mansion springs to life, inanimate objects start moving.]

Lovelock: Flying tools is scary, but the flapping undead trophy fish is horrifying.

Starkwell: I don’t think you are seeing just how well written this movie is.

Lovelock: It’s hard, when I’m distracted by the timelessly cool special effects.

[...]

[Roger kills a demon and hides it from the cops, who search his place but then leave him alone when they realize he is a famous author.]

Starkwell: Worst policemen ever.

Lovelock: Best fist pump ever.

[Enter the amazing 80's montage of burying a demon body.]

Starkwell: Worst musical interlude ever.

Lovelock: Still, it’s a good how-to for disposing of a random demon body.

[...]

[Roger gets swallowed by the closet, the neighbor watches, but does nothing but open a bottle of booze.]

Starkwell: Wait, so he disappears into Vietnam closet and Norm decides it's Miller time?

Lovelock: It’s been hard for him ever since he stopped going to Cheers.

[...]

At this point the movie gets loads more intense, as Roger battles his own personal demons, being wonderfully represented by actual demons.  Roger has to deal with the skeletons in his closet.  Anyways, I’m sure you get it.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock are silently hypnotized.

[...]

[We approach the happy end to the movie.]

Lovelock: “Ding Dong, You’re Dead” doesn’t really make any sense once you’ve seen the movie.

Starkwell: I don’t think that’s important.

Lovelock: Well, it is to me.

[...]

Since Allen and Lionel both stood up in applause as the film ended, I assume that they enjoyed the movie.  Not sure who they are applauding, maybe whoever put the movie on.  Believe it or not, it’s just me.

They sat back down pretty quickly when the atrocious song came on during the credits.

[...]

Lovelock: Night Court! That’s where I’ve seen him.

The Beyond.

Italian shockmaster Lucio Fulci’s ‘The Beyond’.  It is loosely considered to be a part of his series of “dead” movies, and if it lives up to the hype, promises to be a good one.  This release from Grindhouse Cinema has a fantastically creepy menu, complete with tense music, making this movie already better than most.  The guys have been asking about this one for a while, so, without any further ado, let’s enter the Beyond.

[...]

[Opening shot is a flashback to Louisiana, apparently.]

Starkwell: Louisiana in the twenties was surprisingly out of focus.

Lovelock: And kind of brown.

[...]

[Horrifying images of Hell breaking loose.]

Starkwell: Alright, I’m starting to freak out a little.

Lovelock: My pants are kind of brown.

[...]

[Guy's face starts melting.]

Starkwell: Inappropriately funky bassline!

Lovelock: It’s to help symbolize that his face is becoming JAM.

Starkwell: I hate you.

[...]

For a little while Starkwell kept talking about the added creepy effect that the overdubbing has.  Lovelock rolled his eyes. At the same time, we see creepy white eye women.

[...]

[A plumber comes by to look at a problem with the pipe.]

Starkwell: Hammer and chisel, the tool of choice for all… plumbers?

Lovelock: All good plumbers.

[...]

[The plumber basically gets swallowed by Hell, in a sense.]

Lovelock: I don’t think he’s getting up.

Starkwell: She seems surprisingly unaffected.

Lovelock: There’s a lot of gas down there, she’s probably a bit loopy.

[...]

[Creepy white-eyed blind woman warns the main character of the dangers in the house.]

Starkwell: Take the word of the creepy blind woman?

Lovelock: Wouldn’t you?

[...]

[For whatever reason, the actors chose to try and employ a Southern accent.  It adds nothing to the movie, and there is really no reason for it.]

Starkwell: The whole southern accent thing is getting a bit thin.

Lovelock: I think it’s really authentic, you can hardly believe it’s an Italian production.

Starkwell: That sign reads “DO NOT ENTRY”.

[...]

[Somewhere amidst all of the horrifying imagery and bizarre dreamy dream sequences, confusion runs a plenty.]

Starkwell: I’m so confused.

Lovelock: I’m so happy.

[...]

[There seems to be a near indifference towards death in this movie.  This one revolves around a kid whose mother just died at the hands of the GATE TO HELL.]

Starkwell: “We’re so sorry about your mom, well, see ya!”.

Lovelock: Maybe she can live at the cemetery.

[...]

[For the first time, some people start to seem legitimately scared.]

Starkwell: Where was all of that fear before you decided to break into the creepy forbidden hell room?

Lovelock: Probably in the- GAAAAH I JUST SHIT MY PANTS.

[...]

Lionel wanted me to remind everyone that IBS and horrifying movies don’t often mix well.  Also, don’t eat pepperoni sticks.

[...]

[A man dies by being eating by tarantulas, that start on his face.  An incredible effect for when this was filmed, no doubt.]

Lovelock: I think from now on I might rate deaths on a scale from one to ‘FACE EATEN BY TARANTULAS’.

Starkwell: For this movie?

Lovelock: For ever.

[...]

[Fulci, known for the eyeball gag in Zombi 2, uses yet another eyeball gag here.]

Starkwell: How many eyeball gags before it’s too many?

Lovelock: That’s like asking how many sex before it’s too many?

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[...]

[Blind woman has a seeing eye dog, that she really shouldn't be putting through all of this.  But then the dog turns on her, thanks to the gate to Hell of course.]

Starkwell: I’d say that’s misuse of a Seeing Eye Dog.  Hopefully-

Lovelock: Woah! Yes! DOG JUSTICE!

Starkwell: If only Jerry Lee had done that to Belushi in ‘K-9’.

Lovelock: The character in the movie or the real Belushi?

Starkwell: What do you think?

[...]

[Randomly, the dead start rising, and we get some righteous zombie action.]

Lovelock: This movie is perfect, is probably what I would say if I understood what was going on.

Starkwell: When the gates of Hell are opened, people pick up and drop their bad southern accents as they see fit.

[...]

[Further Zombie action ensues, Fulci flexes his Zombie muscles.  The main characters hide in a morgue... from the rising dead.]

Starkwell: When the dead are coming back to life, trying to hide in the morgue seems a bit silly.

Lovelock: Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

[...]

I won't spoil the ending, but the imagery is, for lack of a better way of saying it, COMPLETELY FUCKING HORRIFYING.  The movie ends and Starkwell is just sitting there speechless, until he bolts up, says “This wasn’t a movie, this was a nightmare!” and turns on all of the lights in the apartment.  Lovelock is rocking back and forth in the foetal position, but both of his thumbs are up, so I guess that’s as much of a stamp of approval as any horror movie could ask for.  It’s beyond what they had expected.

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition.

I have a high tolerance for pain.  I’ve sat through Sho Kosugi movies.  I’ve seen Chuck Norris in ‘Firewalker’ more times than I would care to admit.  I’ve watched ‘Action Jackson’ without fast-forwarding.  I can openly admit to seeing the majority of the Charles Bronson movies from 70’s and 80’s and lived to see another day.  Starkwell and Lovelock have a decidedly lower level of patience. The following is a list of movies that are being categorized as UNWATCHABLE.  

For a movie to be classified as such, it means that they were unable to watch it in its entirety, and that it made them both wish they could set fire to their eyeballs, ears, and possibly brains.  The following are brief statements from either Lovelock or Starkwell regarding the movies in question.  None of these were viewed in their entirety, nor would I recommend that anyone take on such a venture.  It is also important to mention, that they were all attempted on the same day, in a row, with nothing but bathroom breaks (in some cases for vomiting) in between.  It was a long day.  They were all streamed off of Netflix, so don’t worry, no money was spent, just precious time that will never grow back.  Have at it, in chronological order.

[...]

[ The Dead Hate the Living! (2000) ]

Lovelock: Feels more like ‘The Filmmakers Hate the Audience!’.

[...]

[ Zombie Campout! (2002) ]

Starkwell: Best camp movie since ‘Ernest Goes to Camp’.

Lovelock: EwweEEwweEEwwwEEEwwww.

[...]

[ Die You Zombie Bastards! (2003) ]

Starkwell: If it feels like a Troma movie, and it looks like a Troma movie, then it probably SUCKS.

[...]

[ Zombie Nation (2004) ]

Lovelock : This feels like the kind of movie that the dumbest kid in your grade eight class would make.

[...]

[ ZA: Zombies Anonymous  (2006) ]

Starkwell : Bad concept, executed badly.

[...]

[ Quick and the Undead (2006) ]

Lovelock: A zombie western, made by people that probably have never seen a movie from either genre.

[...]

[ Awaken the Dead (2007) ]

Starkwell: This movie couldn’t awaken a viewer, so, yeah, good luck with the dead.

[...]

[ Zombie Town (2007) ]

Lovelock : Did we watch this one?

Starkwell: Who the hell knows anymore?  Even if we didn’t, let’s not.

[...]

[ Aaaah! Zombies!! a.k.a. Wasting Away (2007) ]

Starkwell: I’d rather stare at the movie’s DVD cover and imagine a story for ninety minutes than ever watch any part of this again.

Lovelock: I’d rather stare at you staring at the DVD cover for ninety minutes than ever watch any part of this again.

[...]

[ Mutant Vampire Zombies from the Hood (2008) ]

Lovelock: Too easy.

[...]

[ Deadgirl (2008) ]

Starkwell: A how-to guide on creating characters that no one could ever like, and a story that no one would ever want to see through until the end.

[...]

[ Beast Within a.k.a. Virus Undead (2008) ]

Lovelock: The review for 'Beast Within', which is just a two word review, just says “Shit Within”.

[...]

[ Retardead (2008) ]

Starkwell: As offensive to the movie viewer as the title is to ANYONE WITH ANY COMMON DECENCY.

[...]

[ Johnny Sunshine Maximum Violence (2008) ]

Lovelock: You know how there’s that one lame person at work with all the Goth shit in their cubicle, and they still listen to ‘Pretty Hate Machine’ and think that their purple hair makes them edgy?  They made this movie.

[...]

[ Colin (2008) ]

Starkwell: Actually an interesting concept, but the lack of budget made it impossible to watch.

[...]

[ The Zombie Apocalypse Collection (2008) ]

Lovelock: Try to find information about this movie.  You won’t.  That’s because no one knows how it ever got made.  Probably best that it remains a mystery, so that it never happens again.

[...]

[ Zombie Wars (2008) ]

Starkwell: Honestly who tries to make a movie with this grand of a scale on the budget of a porno?  People who don’t care about the viewers, that’s who.

[...]

[ Zombies Zombies Zombies: Strippers vs. Zombies (2008) ]

Lovelock : You know there was that one lame kid in high school who thought the meaning of life was Japanese Animated pornography and listening to the 'Insane Clown Posse', and thinking that his parents were just fascists trying to bring him down?  Yeah, they made this movie.

[...]

[ Zombie Strippers (2008) ]

Starkwell: Well, Lovelock’s statement above rings true for this one as well, except add to it a desperate Freddy Krueger and an aging and  leathery used porn actress.  So yeah, it’s that bad.

[...]

[ Zombie Women of Satan (2009) ]

Lovelock: This magical group of movie makers thought that they could improve bad writing and bad acting by adding naked spanking and full frontal male nudity.  Try and guess if they were right or not.

[...]

[ Edges of Darkness (2009) ]

Starkwell: It took five seconds to realize that the movie’s entre budget went on designing the movie poster, and not on anything else.

[...]

[ Zombie Farm (2009) ]

Lovelock : This is another one that you won’t be able to find much about.  That’s a good thing.  Please, don't look.

[...]

[ DIEner (2009) ]

Starkwell: This movie might have actually been alright, if it wasn’t so horrifyingly awful.

[...]

These should be mandatory viewing for anyone out there trying to make a zombie film as a reminder of what can happen when you do it wrong.  These movies had such a profound impact on Lovelock and Starkwell, that just hearing the music from the Wii Menu now makes Starkwell lock himself in the bathroom and Lovelock stick his head in the oven.  I think that while they are in recovery from this self-inflicted torture poopfest, I’ll try and refrain from loading up Netflix for a little while.  

I’m going to go read them a bedtime story from Max Brooks’ ‘World War Z’ and rock them back and forth into a happy and blissful coma.

Doghouse.

Kind of a new one.  This is a British, Jake West directed picture that I’ve heard good things about it.  It’s an IFC release, much like the recent ‘La Horde’.  Well, let’s not waste any more time.  Let’s go to the ‘Doghouse’.

[...]

[The movie starts by introducing each character with a cartoon-like introduction for each.]

Starkwell: Well, I like that they are establishing a lot of different characters, but I could do without the awful picture that they are painting of marriage and women in general.

Lovelock: The main character seems to have a good head on his shoulders.  At least he seems sad about the divorce.

Starkwell: We’ll see.

[...]

They seem to be hinting that the main guy isn’t a total dumb-ass caveman, but Starkwell keeps talking about the ridiculous way that marriage and women are often portrayed in movies.  Hopefully he can get down off of his soapbox when the characters develop a little more and we see some action.  And then, the movie got insane, fast, and Starkwell no longer cared.

[...]

[After magically figuring out that the virus only affects women.]

Starkwell: Only women get sick?  That’s a bit sexist.

Lovelock: Yeah, but the men are the victims.  They eat them.  Do you think this whole movie was written by a Hall and Oates fan?

Starkwell: Woah.  Here she comes.

[...]

[Physical comedy in this movie is often accompanied by strings and such in synch with the action.]

Starkwell: The soundtrack is fantastic.

Lovelock: This whole movie is like a sadistic Looney Tunes cartoon.

[...]

They went quiet for a while.  Mostly just letting out a lot of giggles and somewhat hypnotized by the over the top action, the surprisingly sharp dialog, and the somehow convincing acting.  But they quickly started realizing that much like 'The Hangover', this movie has no depth, no character, and no heart.

[...]

[Turns out the evil army infected the town through laundry detergent.]

Starkwell: It’s in the laundry detergent?  That’s even more sexist.

Lovelock: They may as well have put it in the tampons.

[...]

[The hair salon zombie walks around snipping her scissors, non-stop.]

Lovelock: I’m really sick of Edward Scissorhands.

Starkwell: I'm getting sick of this movie, at least a little bit.

[...]

[Suddenly the main character goes into a rant about how women are always trying to change men and bring them down.  There is mention of a frequency that paralyses women, that only they can hear.  Like a dog whistle.  They actually compare women to dogs.]

Starkwell: I was waiting for some positive development in the characters, but now the main character got even more jaded and sexist, and for some reason they all seem indifferent that two thirds of their group just died.  Did he learn anything?

Lovelock: Did we?

Starkwell: Only that the characters didn’t really grow.  They might have even regressed.

Lovelock: Well that, and that there is a magical frequency that only women can hear.

Starkwell: Yeah, I don’t think that’s real.

Lovelock: Why would they make that up?

[...]

[Cornered and with nowhere to go, the surviving members of the Man Group start running away in a shopping cart giggling and laughing.  It ends on a freeze-frame.  Like Mad Mission, but without any of the good.]

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

Confused, angry and a little bit offended by the apparent point of the story, Starkwell and Lovelock both stood up, and walked directly out of the room.  I for one am going to go kiss my awesome wife now.  Great on action, decent on dialogue, mediocre on story, and piss-poor on making me give even the slightest shit about any one of the characters.