Sugar Hill.

A mid 70’s Voodoo Blaxploitation gem of a movie, or so I am told, directed by Paul Maslansky, ‘Sugar Hill’ has no real DVD release.  This one looks like one of those DVDs you would get at the Chinese malls in the greater Toronto area.  There is a menu that just tells me to PLAY THE MOVIE.  So that’s what I do.

[...]

[Stereo-typically dressed pimp guy shows up with a group of middle-aged suit-wearing white people.]

Starkwell: Look out, for his posse of lame looking white people!

Lovelock: That guy was in ‘Night Court’!  That’s two horror movies with ‘Night Court’ people.  Even so, ‘Cheers’ is still ahead in the count.

Starkwell: Who’s counting?

[...]

[Sugar Hill ventures to her childhood home, which looks like the jungle, somehow.]

Starkwell: Urban jungle?

Lovelock: I think those sound effects are taken from a ‘Daffy Duck’ cartoon.

[...]

[Sugar's mystical old Mama shows her voodoo stuff, in a swamp.]

Lovelock: I can see where ‘Empire’ got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Are you for real?

Lovelock: “Too old! Too old to begin the training!”

[...]

[Mystical Mama asks Sugar for her jewelry to offer Baron Samedi as a gift.]

Starkwell: What’s Baron Samedi going to do with a woman’s necklace?

Lovelock: What would God want with a spaceship?

[...]

[Every time Baron Samedi talks, there is an awful filter put on his vocal track.]

Starkwell: That’s some cheesy reverb.

Lovelock: “I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRR!”

[...]

Aside from the disturbingly awkward shots of Baron Samedi and the old woman, there was some legitimately awesome dead rising that lasted a solid few minutes, during which Starkwell and Lovelock sat mesmerized with a single tear rolling down each of their respective cheeks.  Awkward cut to shipyard.

[...]

[Baron Samedi is wearing a construction hat.]

Starkwell: Without his top hat, Baron Samedi looks kind of lame.

Lovelock: He looks like one of the Village People.

Starkwell: Are you just saying that because he’s got a construction hat on?

Lovelock: Not only because of that.

[...]

[Mob boss calls stooge a 'pigeonhead'.]

Starkwell: Pigeonhead?

Lovelock: That’s how they talked back then.

Starkwell: Yeah, you would know.

[...]

[White suit bullies a fruit stand owner, through his fruit. Baron watches over, in disguise.]

Lovelock: Yeah, show that cantaloupe who’s boss.

Starkwell: I think half of this movie’s budget went towards different hats for Baron Samedi.

[...]

[Sugar keeps on making passes at the cop.]

Starkwell: If she’s so upset about her man’s death, why is she so flirtatious with the cop?

Lovelock: Well, did you see the size of his afro?

[...]

[Afro cop goes to the Voodoo museum to investigate with lame British guy.]

Starkwell: Good thing they have a VOODOO MUSEUM in town.

Lovelock: Not just any, but the best in the world.

[...]

As the story progressed Starkwell continued to marvel at how the cop manages to figure everything out so quickly, and Lovelock just keeps saying that Sugar is kind of a bitch, a multi-tasking one, but a bitch nonetheless.  And one that randomly organizes photo shoots in her backyard.  That’s it girls, take five.

Starkwell is honestly amazed that every death seems to be different.  Lovelock wants them to happen faster.

[...]

[Racist Celeste stays in the car while Mob Boss goes after Sugar Hill.]

Starkwell: I understand that the house looks spooky, but how would staying alone out in the car be any safer?

Lovelock: She knows what she’s doing.

[...]

The DVD has a few skips in it, not scratches on the disc, literally skips, in where it replays the same three seconds twice in a row.  It was especially funny when he said “Bitch where are ya?”, and then it skipped so it showed it again, immediately.  Quality stuff.

[...]

[Although the actions are in the house, the rain-forest noises are louder than ever.]

Starkwell: The jungle noises are really stupid.

Lovelock: But they’re in the jungle.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: "BITCH WHERE ARE YA?"

[...]

It took a while to get to the point, but the final death scene was pretty spectacular, though very poorly lit, and Starkwell and Lovelock simultaneously yelled out “DEATH BY OATMEAL”.

[...]

[Sugar Hill says goodbye to Baron Samedi, who apparently accepts a racist Mob Boss' girlfriend as payment for killing a bunch of people.]

Lovelock: She gets to keep his cane, and hand over the racist Celeste to the Baron? Lucky.

Starkwell: And... scene.  Supernatural Voodoo Woman... doesn’t need a knife?

Lovelock: Do her wrong and you won’t see the light.

[...]

Both spent the credits dancing to the smooth sounds of ‘The Originals’.  Sweet movie.