Descendents.

Long before George Clooney played an upset widower, in “The Descendants”, there was a terrible Chilean movie called “Descendents” about a mysterious virus turning everyone into zombies.  Obviously the two have nothing to do with one another, but I really didn’t know how else to introduce a Chilean zombie movie that promises to be absolute garbage.  Have fun, kids.

[...]

[Kid narrates, describes the zombie apocalypse, a montage of children’s drawings show the evolution of the world.]

Starkwell: If your kid draws people vomiting blood, it might be time to get them some help.

Lovelock: Or lock your doors, ‘cuz LOOK OUT.

[Apparently the kid is immune and needs to find the ocean (?)]

Starkwell: Wait, is she dancing with a mermaid?

Lovelock: Why does her mom want her to go to the sea?  Dumb plan.

Starkwell: And… she’s supposed to find the magical octopus there?

Lovelock: I’m confused.

[It gets worse.]

[...]

Another montage shows the kid being experimented on, and show her seeing her mom get eaten, and… yeah, now she’s all alone on the beach or something.  They cram a lot into a super schizo intro.  And then it quiets down and we follow Camille, the young girl, as she wanders the wasteland alone.

[...]

[More young girl walking and narrating.]

Lovelock: If this whole movie is this girl walking around and telling us how lonely and hungry she is, I might lose my shit.

[...]

The good news, the movie is only about an hour and ten minutes.  The bad part, so far, it really is mostly just shots of the girl walking around and narrating a shitty screenplay.  Occasionally there are shots of her running away from soldier people… the zombies themselves don’t really scare her because she is immune to them and they don’t attack her.  But yeah, at a few points some army dudes are chasing her and her other immune children friends and trying to shoot them.  Not sure why.  There are a lot of flashbacks of when the world went to shit, but it doesn’t really explain anything, or really go anywhere.  Plus they keep repeating the same flashback, basically.  The zombie eating people parts are decent enough, and it’s nice to see someone tryng to do something different, but the problem is, it really wasn’t much of an idea at all.  Also I hate it.  Man fuck this movie.

[...]

[Ten minutes of a bunch of kids playing in a playground.]

Lovelock: I thought George Clooney was in this…

Starkwell: Why are they speaking English?

Lovelock: This movie blows.  So hard.

[Army shows up and starts shooting the kids.]

Lovelock: Well, at least that.

Starkwell: Wait, why is the army hunting children… and zombies?

Lovelock: I’d appreciate if the girl would stop having the same fucking flashback over and over again.  WE’VE ALREADY SEEN THIS.

Starkwell: HOLY SHIT, yeah we get it, you want to get to the sea.

[...]

Then the kids find the sea and there is a giant octopus that is swatting down the helicopters.  THEN THE GIRL TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND SHE AND HER FRIENDS HAVE TURNED BLUE, GROWN GILLS AND HAVE WEBBED FINGERS AND SPARKLE LIKE DIAMONDS.  Yes.  That happened.  Lovelock straight up passed out after trying to make a joke that simultaneously referenced “Avatar”, “Twilight” and “Waterworld”, and ran out of air.  When he came to, he legit screamed  “THE SMURFS” and then started speaking in tongues.

[...]

[After the credits, it tells us, through the worst fake news broadcasts EVER FILMED, that ten years ago GLOBAL WARMING… caused this?]

Starkwell: And… so…

[No, seriously, you don’t even know how bad the fake news broadcasts look.  The guy is reading his lines off of a piece of scrap paper, and one of the ‘broadcasts’ looks to be in someone’s wood paneled basement, and another one looks like they filmed it in a bar.]

Starkwell: Wait.. so…

[Seriously, this goes on for ten minutes.  After the credits.  Ten out of seventy minutes are after the credits.]

Starkwell: WHY IS THERE AN OCTUPUS WHY ARE THE KIDS SUDDENLY MERMAIDS??!?!?!?!

[...]

It’s one of the most frustratingly bad movies I’ve ever seen.  Must be seen to be believed.  That being said, don’t see it ever.

Cockneys Vs. Zombies.

There have been more than a few zombie comedies made in the wake of “Shaun of the Dead”, and to be completely honest, none of them ever hold a candle to it.  This is the third film that I can think of that involves criminal types, in England, trying to avoid death by zombie.  If you expand outside of the UK, I can think of even more.  It was like people watched “Snatch” and “Shaun of the Dead” and thought, “I bet I can combine those and make a SUPER MEGA MOVIE”.  Try and guess if any of them has been right so far.  Moving right along.

[...]

[Construction workers find a tomb as they destroy a building, a skeleton rises up and eats them.]

Lovelock: Serves them RIGHT.

[Terrible intro music plays.]

Starkwell: Strong start, however… would have been stronger with a stronger song.

Lovelock: Seriously, why don’t these movies ever go full metal, instead of weak poppy punk?

Starkwell: And I could have done without the fart joke... one minute into the movie.

[...]

[Two idiots plan a bank robbery.]

Lovelock: If these guys pull this off, I’m going to live where they live and I’m gonna rob banks.

Starkwell: That’s a lot of wrong.

[...]

Clearly someone watched a lot of Guy Ritchie movies.  In fact, they even got that old dude from that Guy Ritchie movie to play the two dumb bank robber brothers’ grandfather.  Anyways, it is fairly well written.  The jokes all work.  The old people are funny and the dialogue is quick and entertaining.  It seems like the same crew that opened up the zombie tomb is about to tear down the old folks home where the granddad is living.  So the idiot brothers actually want to rob the bank to get the money necessary to save the home.  Pretty adorable.

[...]

[Montage of their robbery plans, and they go pick up a bunch of friends and family.]

Lovelock: I love a good caper.

Starkwell: I feel like there is probably some stuff being lost in translation here.

Lovelock: The film is in English!

Starkwell: Is it?

[...]

The gang manages to rob the bank, but didn’t realize that the silent alarm was tripped, so they were cornered.  Meanwhile the old folks’ home is overrun by zombies.  Simultaneously, lucky for them, zombies have overrun the town, so the cops that had them cornered have all been eaten.  The zombies aren’t bad looking, and the effects, overall, are as convincing as they need to be.

[...]

Starkwell: I prefer when people don’t refer to zombies as zombies in a zombie movie.

Lovelock: Yeah, that’s one of the golden rules.

Starkwell: Can there be more than one golden rule?

Lovelock: I think so.  Another one is to stop asking so many fucking questions.

Starkwell: These people say ‘muppet’ way too much.

[...]

There’s a scene where one of the gang drop kicks a baby.  It actually is kind of funny.  What isn’t funny is how one of the gang (the girl) already knows all of the zombie rules, and knows to shoot them in the head, and knows that a bite will turn them, and so on and so forth.  However, there was a pretty sweet Christopher Lee reference at one point.

[...]

[Super dragged out chase between a zombie and an old guy with a walker.]

Lovelock: Now THAT’s a good joke.

[...]

Though not as effective as the old folks’ action scenes in “Hot Fuzz”, it’s still pretty funny to watch old people fight zombies.  But that’s the main problem with the movie... It does a lot of different things, but doesn’t do any one of them quite as well as the movies that they are borrowing the ideas from in the first place.  That being said, so far it is still entertaining as Hell.

[...]

Starkwell: I feel like there are a lot of underdeveloped ideas here.

Lovelock: You’re underdeveloped.

[...]

It’s true. I mean what Starkwell said, not Lovelock... For example, they spent all of this time setting up that the building company left money at the bank, and then they ended up actually stealing that money and all of this… but in the end, who cares?  Everyone is dead, including the building company… so why did they bother?  Do they even need the money anymore?

[...]

[The surviving members of the Gang Of Stupid find... an armory of some kind and load up like Rambo (?)]

Lovelock: Lucky for them there’s a double-decker bus that she can hotwire?

[Then one of the characters used the Indiana Jones “no ticket” line when they shoot a zombie off of the bus, and it was super out of place and felt way forced and Lovelock puked a little in his mouth.]

[...]

Eventually they get to their granddad, and we all get treated to a montage of old people with guns killing zombies. A really long montage.  Longer than it needs to be.  It is still entertaining and fun, albeit really stupid.  In the end, the gang and the old folks (the ones that are left) make a clean getaway on the double-decker bus and then a ferry boat, but not before granddad sacrifices himself and Lovelock cries a little.  BUT WAIT HE’S NOT DEAD.  CANCEL THE TEARS.  Solid movie overall.  A touch short, but then again, it certainly didn’t need to be any longer.

Jason X.

Jason’s first appearance as a full on zombie in part six was actually not too bad at all.  There was then a steady decline all the way down into ‘Manhattan’ easily one of the worst things ever.  “Jason Goes to Hell” managed to be entertaining in a dumb, but still fun, kind of way.  At this point in Jason’s history, it is the tenth movie (Jason 'X'... get it?).  There is really nothing left to do, except make it be in space, for some reason, and also in the future?  I can’t wait to hear Lovelock and Starkwell rip this movie a new one.

[...]

[Some kind of first person view opening of doctors working on a corpse.]

Lovelock: So… Jason is Robocop?

Starkwell: We should be so lucky… Also, why would they be keeping Jason alive.

[Some Military Nerd Doctor wants to transport Jason to his facility… not frozen?]

Lovelock: Well now they’re just asking for it.

[...]

When they go to the room to find Jason, he has somehow gotten out of his chains and kills everyone.  Pretty awesome actually, since the characters all suck so far and we're all glad that they're dead.

[...]

[Nerdy Scientist Girl locks Jason in a cryogenic freezing something and he drives his machete into her… through the insanely thick steel/whatever doors, and then the WHOLE place freezes.]

Starkwell: Where does one get a machete like that exactly?

Lovelock: Hattori Hanzo.  Or science fiction.

[...]

Then the movie really takes a turn for the dumb when a crew from the future stumbles upon the “ancient” freezing lab.  No explanation is made as to why NO ONE between the present day and miscellaneous future four hundred years later ever went to check on the lab.  Also, there are androids?  The acting is as bad as the dialogue, which in turn, is as bad as the story.  The music is also terrible.  As are the costumes.  As are the sets (seriously, it looks like they went shopping at a "Star Trek: TNG" garage sale.

[...]

Starkwell: Why is the future seemingly made up entirely of horny teenagers making sex jokes and wearing skimpy lil' outfits?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I sure hope I make it that far.

[...]

Then future dummies thaw out Jason and Nerd Girl from the beginning.  They heal the girl with their healing machine, and revive Jason.  Big mistake.  Then there was a stupid scene where a ‘student’ bones her professor.  And by bones I mean rides him while wearing lingerie and twisting his nipple with huge metal pliers.  Simultaneously, two of the other students bone.  And then one of the dudes does the android, or wants to anyways.  Starkwell got up to leave, but then Jason sat up on the bed and killed the dumb blonde.  So Starkwell sat back down, and decided to stay, at least for now.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure Kane Hodder just took advantage of that scene to really feel up that girl’s titties.  He almost pulled her shirt off.

Lovelock: Wouldn't you?

Starkwell: Wait, what?.

[...]

There was a scene where professor brings Thawed Nerd Girl some food and tells her quite casually “oh by the way, Earth is dead, you’re on a spaceship heading towards Earth 2”.  After the requisite “'Earth 2' is a sick album" conversation, both Lovelock and Starkwell laugh non stop at the fact that her reaction to this news was basically “oh cool, show me around your space ship, I'm not in shock at all”.

[...]

[Jason kills people.]

Lovelock: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz…..

[Starkwell straight up left and went to bed.]

[...]

There are so many characters.  Like in some of the other films, they don’t even bother developing any of them.  Why bother?  Since Jason just ends up killing them all... I guess.  Body count for the sake of body count.

[...]

[Jason kills more people.]

Lovelock: ZZzzzzzzzzz…

[...]

So, it doesn’t matter who they throw at Jason, even “bad ass” military types, and they all die immediately.   Lovelock said the movie really jumped the shark when the android turned her gun sideways to shoot Jason gangster style.  This movie is really bad.

[...]

Lovelock: No one noticed that Jason was “killed” on top of the healing bed/machine?  And now he’s a super Jason?  And it also created new futuristic armor and a new futuristic mask for him? The healing machine also heals things?  FuuuUUUuuuuck this.

[...]

The movie goes on for so much longer than it needs to.  Between this point and the end, they even manage to put Super Jason in the holodeck where he kills virtual reality campers.  Eventually Jason blows up fighting a black dude in a Halo outfit and then they ride each other down to Earth 2, from outer space.  Yes.  Really.  They set it up for a sequel which thankfully never happened.

Primal.

This relatively recent picture is a zombie film by way of “The Crazies” with a bit of a ‘slasher in the woods’ vibe mixed in for good measure.  From what I can understand, it is an Australian film, so if nothing else, Lovelock will probably enjoy the accents.

[...]

[Flashback to 12,000 years ago, a caveman writes on a wall.]

Lovelock: That’s some pretty fancy feathers he’s wearing on his head... for a caveman.

Starkwell: He’s drawing on a wall.  Clearly he’s more of a dainty caveman.

Lovelock: Pfff… artists.

[He’s attacked and eaten (?) by a rabid caveman.]

Lovelock: Now THAT’s a caveman.

[...]

Anyways, then with the magical magic of film magic, it zooms ahead to the present day, and some young adults are traveling through the Australian wilderness, looking for the paintings that this caveman did, all so that some dude can get a PhD.

[...]

[There’s some guy in the woods killing rabid people with a machete.]

Starkwell: Wait, so they’re driving in the day and this guy is simultaneously killing people in the woods at night?  That’s just bad editing.

Lovelock: Maybe that’s more 12,000 year old flashbacks.

[I’m thinking maybe the slaying happened the night before?  Not sure.]

[...]

They find a tunnel that goes through a mountain that apparently leads to the drawings.  The main girl gets spooked while walking through the tunnel and nicks her arm on a rock.  The blood hits the ground and seems to AWAKEN THE EVIL.

[...]

Lovelock: Man, I can’t wait for the evil to take over and make them all eat each other.

[Blonde girl and nerd start doing it in a tent.]

Lovelock: Well, this is alright I guess.

[...]

Doesn’t take much longer to get going.  With a fairly short runtime, it makes sense.   Anyways main dude kills a killer bunny, and Lovelock made at least seventeen Monty Python jokes.

[...]

[Blonde girl goes skinny dipping.]

Lovelock: This movie certainly is milking the whole dumb blonde thing.

Starkwell: Skinny-dipping.  Alone.  In the Australian wilderness.

[She has leeches all over naked body.]

Lovelock: Well that’s one way to get some booby into the movie.

Starkwell: Sex scene and skinny dipping.  A great addition to the actress' resume, no doubt.

[...]

They develop main girl character a little.  She has the typical “crazy ex-boyfriend locked her up in a basement and tried to kill her (?)” baggage.  Comic relief guy seems to be nice.  Anyways, other than the Dumb Blonde and her Nerd boyfriend, the characters actually are fairly alright.  And then Dumb Blonde goes RABID. Slowly, grossly, and wickedly...  And the crowd goes wild.  There’s also some kind of mini bugs that seem to be eating things, like their tent… and their tires!

[...]

[Since they can’t drive, they plan on WALKING Rabid Blonde back to the nearest town on a stretcher.  At night.  Through the forest.]

Lovelock: So that’s their plan?  Build a stretcher?

Starkwell: What would you do?

Lovelock: I'd hit her with a rock until she stops wiggling.

Starkwell: Remind me never to get sick around you.

[The sun comes up.]

Lovelock: It took them all night to build that shitty stretcher?

[Blonde goes FULL RABID, with sharp teeth and eating a bunny.  Then she attacks the group.  PhD Dude attacks her face repeatedly with a shovel.]

Starkwell: Jesus.  I guess the PhD Dude is taking your approach?

Lovelock: Yeah but it's too late.  Spent all night building a stretcher he'll never use, instead of spending all night bashing her head in with a rock until she stops wiggling.

Starkwell: The 'wiggling' thing is creeping me out lots.

[...]

Then they show Rabid Blonde tackling a kangaroo and eating it.  It looks really fake and bad.  Plus the way she screams is super annoying.  At this point the movie turns into a montage of them setting up traps for their now rabid and homicidal friend.  It’s alright I guess.  Lovelock says he would prefer if there was more eating and less planning.  Admittedly, it’s over halfway through the film and we’ve only seen one rabid camper?  Not exactly the outbreak we were all hoping for.

[...]

[They trap her momentarily, but she escapes and takes a huge bite out of Comic Relief’s neck.]

Lovelock: That’s what I’m talking about.

[Later that night she comes back to the camp and drags Comic Relief away to finish eating him, and throw the carcass in the cave.]

Starkwell: Wait, is she feeding the cave?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but it certainly is all quite PRIMAL.

Starkwell: No good.

[...]

Then PhDude starts to turn and the remaining three draw straws to see who will kill him.  They seemed to not want to kill the Blonde, but now with him, he hasn’t even turned and they want to immediately knife him?  Starkwell straight up starts laughing at the movie.

[...]

[When only the Nerd and Main Girl remain, Nerd decides to fight back!]

Lovelock: So Nerd grew a pair?

[Bad ‘hard rock’ music kicks in.]

Starkwell: Like that helps.

[Nerd dies.  But also kills Rabid PhDude?]

Lovelock: Win-win as far as I am concerned.

[...]

So now Main Girl has to go in the cave, which she was already afraid of before there was a demon girl hunting her.  Now there seems to be some kind of tentacle or long tongue thing following her around (?)…  She runs into the other girl who is apparently still alive but… pregnant with a demon baby?  Other Girl dies, after stabbing herself in the uterus and carving out the demon fetus...  Main Girl is pinned down by the tentacle-tongues, and then some kind of Jabba the Hut creature comes out from the depths of CGI and tries to rape her repeatedly.

[...]

Lovelock: ...

Starkwell: ...

[...]

[She gets away… miraculously (?)… runs out of the cave and bashes Blonde Girl’s head in with a rock… ROLL CREDITS.]

Lovelock: Well at least they finally went with the rock.

Starkwell: So who was the guy with the machete at the beginning cutting up people?

Lovelock: If they had just listened to me before...

Starkwell: And just because she left the cave… why would that make her safe?  What is the evil just turned off now?

Lovelock: Hey, what were those swarms of flies eating things earlier in the movie?

Starkwell: And… and… just… FUCK THIS MOVIE.

[...]

One of the laziest endings ever.  Complete with bad CGI.  Hooray.

Evil.

There’s a good chance that this is the only Greek zombie film that Starkwell and Lovelock will ever be able to watch.  From what I can tell, this is straightforward zombie mayhem, with just the right amount of gore, and the correct lack of budget to make it all pretty fun.  Or so I’ve read.  The name certainly isn’t particularly original.  Unless there is something lost in translation.  According to Google Translate, the official name of the film, “To Kako”, translates in English to “To Kako”.  So yeah.  Let’s see what the dudes think.  Hopefully Lovelock won’t say OPA.

[...]

[The Athens (?) skyline is shown, and we eventually hear construction noises, explosions, and then it cuts to dudes looking into a hole in the ground.]

Starkwell: Wait, why would construction workers go exploring in a cave?

Lovelock: So that the can unearth EVIL and we can have a movie.

[There are some serious nods to Raimi-style shots as SOMETHING creeps up on the construction guys and they are, I assume, killed.]

[...]

Then there was a confusing shot of an old bald dude watching soccer, seemingly forever.  And then it cuts to a guy at the game, and then to a bunch of people at a dance club.  Lovelock said ‘eurotrash’ like seven times.  It was pretty offensive.  And it seemed to piss Starkwell off.

[...]

[Zombies at the dance club.]

Lovelock: Wait, were those zombies biting necks or just people making sexy time?

Starkwell: Either way, remind me to never go to dance clubs in Greece.

[...]

[Bald dude eats his wife in front of their daughter Jenny.  Jenny runs.]

Lovelock: Can I just say, the music TOTALLY takes me back to early eighties zombie movies… except with a more JAZZY feel.

Starkwell: At least the movie isn’t wasting any time.

[Seriously, it doesn’t.  Jenny runs out into the streets with a neighbor and they run around dodging zombie mayhem left and right.]

Starkwell: The only thing cheaper than the music is the zombie effects.

Lovelock: I’m actually pretty psyched about them.  And I’m loving the green screen car driving.

Starkwell: Still though… Jenny left behind her baby sibling.  What a dick.

Lovelock: Jenny sucks.  And she was WAY too touchy feely with her gross bald dad.

[...]

There's a Taxi Driver and a Sexy Woman that he is driving, and they see a crowd of zombies and assume it is just a crazy crowd of rabid football fans.  They're obviously not smart.  They pick up another dude, and he explains (or tries) to them that all Hell has broken loose.

[...]

Lovelock: There’s definitely a confused and chaotic “Nightmare City” vibe present here that is making me happy all over.

Starkwell: All over?

Lovelock: Well not THERE.

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Okay fine… there too.

[Sadly, this isn't Lovelock's first joy boner.]

[...]

One thing that both Lovelock and Starkwell have noticed is how much better looking the women are than the men in this movie.

[...]

Lovelock: If the good looking woman to ugly man ratio is correct... Remind me to go to Greece on my next vacation.

Starkwell: You’ve never left town.

Lovelock: Hopefully Greece survives the outbreak.

Starkwell: You know this isn’t real right?

Lovelock: How long would it take to drive there?

[...]

The movie goes on to introduce a lot of the characters, but they aren’t really developed much.  There’s the perverted Taxi Driver, who wants to lick the Sexy Girl’s feet (?), the Schoolgirl with the dead parents, and so on and so forth.  Up until now, honestly, neither Lovelock nor Starkwell actually give much of a shit about any of the characters.  The movie is focusing on two groups of survivors.  One of said groups just ran into some kind of soldier dude, and then, they run into the other group.  So now all of the characters are together at a Greek restaurant, eating.  At least they are making it easy to keep track of everybody.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m guessing they don’t call it Greek restaurant when in Greece, instead, simply, RESTAURANT.

Lovelock: How could they be eating, drinking and giggling at a time like this?

[...]

[Zombies show up at the restaurant, and the survivors go on a kill rampage.]

Starkwell: Did she just kick his head off?

Lovelock: A good zombie movie always allows zombie limbs and shit to be cut and ripped like room temperature butter.

Starkwell: Good to know.

[Then, amidst all of the terrific gore, Lovelock did a few roundhouse kicks.]

[...]

They immediately ditch the soldier, deciding he is crazy, and now they are down to only five in the group… Schoolgirl, Sexy Girl, Taxi Perv Guy, Old Dude and of course, Boring Girl.  That’s about as accurate a description as I can give, given the lack of character development.  Then there’s a scene where the Schoolgirl tells them that she is almost fifteen… honestly, the actress playing her looks to be well into her twenties.  It’s all a bit silly.  The comedy, on the other hand, isn’t very silly or effective at all.

[...]

[Randomly, Sexy Girl decides to bone Taxi Guy, and he starts by sucking all on her toes and shit.]

Starkwell: For real?  Why?

[Before he can bone her, she gets bitten and old dude blows her head off.]

Lovelock: Zombies.  The ultimate cock blocks.

[...]

Anyways, the movie carries on with the people fighting zombies, and to be fair, the gore is fairly creative, even if the story is not.  Some more people die, crazy soldier comes back to save the day, and in the end, they wind up at the soccer stadium surrounded by a hundred bajillion zombies charging them all at once.

[...]

Starkwell: Why would they choose to go and stand in the middle of an open field?

Lovelock: Because they are, the dumbest fucking assholes ever in a zombie movie ever.  The end.

[...]

The end indeed.  Fun, but man, the writers made some odd, possibly lazy, choices.

Death Becomes Her.

Robert Zemeckis doesn’t really need an introduction.  Let’s face it… the guy did the “Back to the Future” movies.  This movie came after that trilogy (as well as after “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”).  The movie that followed "Death Becomes Her" was “Forrest Gump”.  While I hardly feel that this movie will show itself to be the missing link between Marty McFly in the wild west and ‘life is like a box of chocolates’, I hope it will, at the very least, be fun for Lovelock and Starkwell.  They don’t often get to watch movies starring Oscar winners and John McClane with a mustache.

[...]

[We are introduced to Meryl Streep as a hammy musical actor.  The film opens with a musical number from her failing musical.]

Lovelock: Wait, Glenn Close is in this movie?

Starkwell: Every damn time.

[...]

Anyways, no one in the audience seems to be impressed with the play, except for Bruce Willis, who, armed with an almost-mullet and horrible mustache, cheers wildly.  He plays nerdy plastic surgeon Ernest.  Most everyone else has walked out.  Ernest and his fiancée Helen, played by Goldie Hawn, go backstage to meet Madeline (Meryl Streep), the washed up actress.

[...]

[Eventually, Ernest leaves Helen and marries Madeline.]

Starkwell: Well that was… quick?

[Flash forward seven years.  Helen is a fat depressed cat lady with a shitload of cats, and she sits around watching TV and eating tubs of ice cream.]

Lovelock: I’m sorry, but Bruce Willis with a mustache is just not worth it.

[She is CLEARLY obsessed with murdering Madeline, and gets evicted from her apartment and committed to the ol' loony bin.]

Lovelock: What in the…

[Wait… Ernest is no longer a plastic surgeon… instead he is a mortician?]

[...]

Then it flashes forward to yet another seven years later.  Fourteen years and no one has aged AT ALL.  It appears that Ernest and Madeline are no longer happy.  Surprise surprise.  Madeline goes to some kind of super secret spa where the clinicians (?) dress like porn stars and talk like bad actors trying to sound like French people... German people? … Not sure.  Anyways, Helen has lost the weight and has invited Ermest and Madeline to her book launch party.

[...]

[Madeline sees Helen, looking all thin and beautiful, and says it has been “12 long years”… except that we know it has been 14.  Which is weird.]

Lovelock: Some Oscar winner… she can’t count?

[...]

After being rejected by her young loverboy (I assume she cheats on Ernest a lot), Madeline goes to the super secret castle / laboratory that the eurotrash secret spa owner told her about (?).  Meanwhile Helen goes over to Ernest’s house to almost bang him and plan Madeline’s murder with him.

[...]

Lovelock: I would like it if death become her a little quicker.

Starkwell: Nice.

Lovelock: In fact, let's have some death all around.  Please. Now.

[Ernest forgoes the plan laid out with Helen, but instead, throws Madeline down the stairs.]

Lovelock: SWEET. 

[Madeline gets up, all mangled like a pretzel, with her head backwards.]

Lovelock: That, surprisingly, looked fucking amazing.

[...]

They go to the doctor’s office, and it is quite apparent that Madeline is dead, as she feels no pain.  But since she is walking around, she is UNDEAD.  Lovelock and Starkwell rejoice.

[...]

[Dressed like the world’s lamest cat burglar, Helen follows Ernest around.]

Lovelock: Why is she wearing sunglasses at night?

Starkwell: Who knows.

Lovelock: She probably thinks "if I can't see them, they can't see me"... like an infant would think.

[...]

Eventually Helen finds her way back to Ernest’s house and Madeline shoots her with a shotgun, but she ALSO GETS UP.  In what is probably the best line in the movie, Bruce Willis yells out “IT’S ANOTHER MIRACLE.”  It doesn’t sound that funny out of context, but Lovelock and Starkwell replayed it several times.   The movie has been quite boring, I should add.

[...]

[Helen took the same potion, as it turns out.]

Starkwell: So… they both knew about the super secret castle thing?

Lovelock: Well, it is a movie.

[...]

[Madeline and Helen fight for like a minute, but then they make up and are best friends forever.]

Lovelock: So that’s it?

[They force Ernest to make them look beautiful again.]

Starkwell: Might be the lamest zombies ever.

[They bring Ernest to the super castle where they try to give him the potion… he decides not to.]

Lovelock: Dude, why not!?!?!

Starkwell: Watching everyone you love die, eternal loneliness… he makes some solid points.

Lovelock: Whatever dude, I’d totally be Wolverine.

Starkwell: How’s that work?

Lovelock: LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES.

Starkwell: Let me stop you right there.

[...]

37 years later, Ernest died.  He went on to do a whole bunch of amazing things and then the movie basically says the only way to live forever is to live on in the people that you love.  Ain't that sweet?  Then Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn show up, fall down a flight of stairs and shatter into a bunch of pieces. So… lesson learned?  There are a lot of holes in this movie.  They cover up most of them by 'flashing forward' a number of years.  You don't need to explain HOW Madeline found success again, you can just say 'seven years later' and let the audience make up the rest?  What is this, a 'choose your own' adventure book?  Lazy.  As a short film, this movie would have worked.  There just ain't enough meat in there for a full length, in my opinion.  Starkwell agrees.   Lovelock doesn't care.