Pop Punk Zombies.

Starkwell and Lovelock hate this kind of shit.

[...]

[Film starts. Some dudes hang out in a graveyard waiting for zombies.  One guy has his eye ripped out, and then the other guy hands the zombie a guitar and says “I love zombies”.  And the worst ‘punk’ song ever starts playing.]

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: So, this is one of those movies where all of the actors are just so psyched to be in their friend’s shitty movie that they smile in every scene all of the time?

Lovelock: …

[...]

They lasted about ten more minutes, if that, and walk out.  I should mention, the main character has a hilarious bowl cut.  The end.  Sometimes, even after they leave, I fast forward through the rest of the film, just to see what happens.  This time, I didn’t.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday.

I honestly feel like if you were to create a history of my love of cheesy horror films, it probably all starts with “Jason Goes to Hell”.  I don’t want to age myself here, but I was young enough to be at least somewhat frightened, but old enough to totally laugh my ass off.  That was the night I first met Starkwell and Lovelock.  As much as I know that the years will not have been kind to this movie, and that it likely will not be even remotely frightening as I remember, nor as funny as I thought back then, and that this trip down memory lane can only end in TOTAL TRAINWRECK, I can’t help but feel excited to revisit this, with my two favorite film critics, now that we’ve all grown up and matured.  Yeah I know.  I made them watch “Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.” Maybe 'matured' is a strong word.  FUN FACT: One of the writers eventually went on to write for the AMAZING but short lived television show “Arrested Development”.  Maybe there will be some real comedy in here after all.

[...]

[Girl goes to a cabin, gets naked.]

Starkwell: Two boobies, one ass, and not a single line of dialogue yet.

Lovelock: You know what they say, “Talk is Cheap, Boobies are Forever”.

Starkwell: No one has ever said that.

Lovelock: "Boobies IS Forever"?

[Jason shows up to kill girl, turns out she’s a cop, it was all an elaborate ploy to get Jason.]

Starkwell: Why is he out in Crystal Lake anyways?  Didn’t he take Manhattan?

[...]

A bunch of cops shoot the bajesus out of Jason, he makes hilarious noises, then they shoot him with a rocket launcher and he blows up.  Lovelock was laughing his ass off, but Starkwell was asking a whole lot of questions.  It’s just like I remembered.

[...]

[Jason’s blown up body is at the morgue, doctor does an autopsy.]

Starkwell: Why would they be doing an autopsy?  Cause of death... WE BLEW HIM UP.

Lovelock: He’s a superhuman, maybe they want to try and learn his secrets?

Starkwell: So they hand him over to ONE doctor, working the graveyard shift at a shitty local morgue drinking orange soda?  Dude's body should be brought to Area 51.

[The Doctor is drawn to Jason’s heart, he picks it up, eats it, and then a bunch of light beams shoot into his body.]

Starkwell: Ummm…

Lovelock: So, no cameras or real security in this morgue then...

[...]

Apparently the doctor is now possessed by Jason.  He even walks by a mirror and his reflection showed Jason, NOT THE DOCTOR!  Then they introduce some crazy bounty hunter guy named Creighton Duke.  The movie seems confused with itself, unsure whether or not it wants to be a comedy or a scary or a seriously.  Lovelock and Starkwell both kind of dig the Duke though.

[...]

[Nerdy main character guy picks up teenage hitch hikers and drives them to Camp Crystal Lake.  They all get naked and two of them start to screw.]

Starkwell: Kind of sucks to be that other girl.

Lovelock: Seriously, she’s so desperate she offered Nerdface sex just like that.

[The girl that isn’t screwing gets killed by Possessed Doctor.]

Lovelock: We’ve seen as many pairs of boobs as we have seen kills.  And now we’ve seen some side peen.  Weak.

[Jason stabs Sexing Girl through the tent and cuts her in half.]

Starkwell: Kills three, boob pairs two, side peen, sadly, still one.

Lovelock: I’m just happy they finally showed some serious gore.

[...]

Then there’s a weird scene where the Doctor ties up a cop and transfers Jason to him via a kiss (I think).  And why did he shave off his mustache first?  Makes no sense.  I think it was Lovelock who said “Jason is an STD” or "Jason is like mono".  In the following scene we see the cop attempt to do the same to the waitress from the restaurant, who, for some reason wears her waitress outfit at home.  We see some kind of worm-snake protruding out of his mouth.  I think Starkwell just gave up.

[...]

Starkwell: Eat a heart, get a bunch of light beams, become Jason.  Kiss the Doctor, get a worm in your throat, become Jason.  Totally makes sense.

[Then the Duke explains to the Nerd that only a blood relative of Jason can kill Jason.  Turns out the dead waitress was Jason’s sister, so her daughter and grand daughter are also of the Voorhees bloodline.  Turns out Nerd is the father of the grand daughter.]

Starkwell: Right because it took nine movies for them to find out that Jason had a sister.

Lovelock: Weak.

[So weak.]

[...]

Only a Voorhees can kill a Voorhees, and only by destroying the heart.  Got it?

[...]

[Cop kisses Sleazy News Anchor, transfers Jason to him, and then melts all over the floor.  Sleazy News Anchor is Jason now.]

Starkwell: Wow.  I mean.  Wow.

Lovelock: Nice to see them FINALLY delivering on the gore.

Starkwell: Too bad there is no actual Jason in “Jason Goes to Hell”.

Lovelock: I don’t care who cuts naked ladies in two, so long as they ARE cut in two.

[...]

So Sleazy News Anchor chases Nerd and Girlfriend around and kills a mess of people along the way.  The story gets crazier and crazier and makes less and less sense.  I think the best/worst part was when the Duke threw Girlfriend (Jason’s niece) a knife and it turned into some kind of mystical dagger.  Oh yeah, then Jason’s heart squiggled out of some guy’s severed head and crawled around like a slug squealing like an alien-pig.  Then it went up into Jason’s dead sister’s vagina (she was locked in the basement and still wearing her waitress outfit) and Jason’s dead sister turned into fully living Jason.  Anyways, in the end, Voorhees Niece stabbed Jason in the heart with the magic dagger and a bunch of huge zombie hands reached out of a hole in the ground (being lit up by a spotlight from the Heavens for some reason (Aliens?)) and pulled Jason into… Hell (I think)?    I should add there is no explanation AT ALL about what is actually happening.  The dagger, the heart theory, the zombie hands, the beams of light, how no one knew that Vooorhees had living relatives EXCEPT the Duke…NOTHING IS EXPLAINED EVER.

[...]

[They show Freddy Krueger’s hand pull Jason’s mask into the ground.]

Starkwell: I love seeing the evidence of just how long they had been planning / working on the whole 'Freddie vs. Jason' thing.

Lovelock: Right... Jason, in 'X' FORM, still had to make one stop in space before he made it to that battle.  Ugh.

[EXTREME!]

[...]

Was it everything we remembered it to be?  Kind of, yeah.

Devil's Kiss.

For the most part, this seems like it will be cookie-cutter Euroshock madness… as cookie-cutter as that can ever be.  I hit play movie and it immediately starts with some kind of dance ceremony being held in a dungeon someone, with a bunch of old white rich people in attendance.

[...]

[Rich people watch half naked dancer girls and drink champagne.]

Lovelock: Talk about REALLY off-broadway.

[The title comes up and says that the movie is called ‘The Print of the Devil’ and is directed by a name not the same as that listed on TEH INTARWEBS.]

Starkwell: So… are we watching the right movie?

Lovelock: Is “Print of the Devil” kind of like “Mark of the Beast”?

[...]

The movie has some of the worst overdubbing I’ve ever seen.  And so far nothing makes any sense.  There’s a medium named “Claire”, and I think she’s undead.  But I can’t know for sure, because the movie makes no sense.  Apparently this hoity toity event is some kind of fashion show.  So obviously at one point we’re treated to a shot of the naked girls changing.

[...]

[The fashion show starts, and girls come out dancing to horrible funk music wearing insane leisure suits.]

Lovelock: If all fashion shows were like this, fashion shows would be much cooler.

Starkwell: I guess they’re showing how easy it is to get into the groove whilst in the clothing.

[...]

There’s a creepy tall pale guy who gets semi-rapey with one of the girls after the show and then it cuts immediately to the post fashion show séance being held in the dungeonesque basement of the castle(?).  Anyways, at the end of this séance, the half naked Fashion Model screams and apparently felt a presence.

[...]

Starkwell: Did he just say “teach me the Occult Sciences”?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but this dude’s a character.

Starkwell: “Telepathy is another field I shall like to delve into…”

Lovelock: Amazing.  He just told the Medium that he heard she likes RIDING.

Starkwell: I think he means horses.

[Cut to the medium riding a horse.]

Starkwell: You’d think if they were going to have a character that enjoys “riding”, they’d get an actress who isn’t so clearly inexperienced while riding a horse.

Lovelock: I’d love to see a ‘Print of the Devil’ blooper reel where she falls off a bunch of times.

Starkwell: The blooper reel would probably be almost entirely nipple slips.

Lovelock: I feel those would make the final cut in this type of movie.

[...]

At this point, I’ve completely lost track of what is happening in the movie.  I think the Medium picked up some kind of Dwarf while she was out riding.

[...]

[She gets some dinner for the Dwarf, then takes off her clothes in front of him.]

Lovelock: If you feed him, he’ll never leave. 

Starkwell: Wait… why is she… ?

Lovelock: Especially if she feeds him some of them big ol’ titties.

[...]

[Claire the Medium keeps having very vivid flashbacks.]

Starkwell: For a psychic, she’s awfully pre-occupied with the past.

[...]

Sometime during or after the fully unnecessary and absurdly long sex scene, Starkwell left the room and Lovelock fell asleep.  The end.  Well, not really the end, but I don’t feel like writing about this dud anymore.  At some point there was a black magic ceremony type of deal where some dude was resurrected.  It was the worst looking zombie / frankenstein’s monster hybrid that Lovelock and/or Starkwell and/or I have ever seen and then he goes around choking people out.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.

It took them seven movies to realize that Jason killing people in the woods was totally stale.  So they brought in writer-director Rob Hedden, who had written a few episodes of “MacGyver” and afterwards went on to direct some episodes of “The Commish”.  So yeah.  The film starts off in the complete opposite direction of any of the other films, with some dude narrating about New York City, claustrophobia, and all to the swinging sounds of really shitty music from the late eighties.  This is gonna be one nutty ride.  Kane Hodder reprises his role as Jason, which is TEH AWESOME.

[...]

[Teenage couple gets naked on a yacht in Crystal Lake.]

Starkwell: Umm… how would they get that yacht get on Crystal Lake?

Lovelock: I’m still trying to figure out which of those two kids is the girl and which is the boy.

Starkwell: It was a different time.

Lovelock: I was pretty sure I had it figured out, but they just showed his bottom half and I swear he’s wearing granny panties.

[...]

Anyways, Jason climbs on board and kills them, so discussing the androgynous nature of teenage boys’ style in the late eighties has become somewhat pointless.  Now the film cuts to a big boat that is apparently New York City bound, and full of high school kids.  I’m guessing it’s like a field trip.

[...]

[Cruise ship sets sail for NYC.]

Starkwell: The geography of this film is insane.

[Jason climbs on board.]

Starkwell: Wait… how… ???

Lovelock: Don’t ask questions if you know there aren’t any answers.

[...]

Jason killed this super lame “rocker” chick with her pink flying V guitar and it blew Lovelock’s mind.

[...]

Starkwell: I thought Jason was supposed to take Manhattan… not SHITTY BOOZE CRUISE FULL OF TEENAGERS.

[...]

Then the Prom Queen pushes the main character girl off of the ship “for fun”.  And Starkwell lost his mind.  He was even further confused by the main character’s hallucinations.  In any case, both agreed that Prom Queen couldn’t get dead soon enough.

[...]

[Prom Queen gets dead.]

Lovelock: Hooray!

Starkwell: These movies tend not to keep anyone around for very long.

Lovelock: Sounds about right.

Starkwell: These movies tend not to keep my interest around for very long.

Lovelock: Sounds about right.

[...]

Jason racks up the kills.  In a matter of minutes, the body count is climbing high.  Still, somehow, the pair look bored.  We’re halfway into this thing, and we are no closer to Manhattan, which makes the film’s intro even more out of place than it already was.  Like the previous film, Starkwell feels that introducing characters for five minutes with the sole purpose of having them die is a little bit excessive.  Lovelock responded with a jump kick exclaiming “EIGHTIES EXCESS TO THE MAX!!!”

[...]

[Film Nerd is thrown onto some kind of control thing and he explodes.]

Lovelock: Guitar Kill is number one, but that’s a close number two.

Starkwell: This movie is DEFINITELY one big number two.

[...]

Anyways, about twenty kills and three or four nonsense hallucinations later, the surviving members of the field trip end up on a row boat, in a storm and row themselves to Ellis Island.  Really.

[...]

Starkwell: Of course the dog survives.

Lovelock: Oh snap, time for Jason to take Manhattan.

[Then the gang gets mugged and Jason kills the two thugs right before they manage to rape Main Character.]

Starkwell: Jason’s a hero!

Lovelock: He’s just a misunderstood vigilante.  Like Batman.

Starkwell: Yeah, he’s just like Batman.

[...]

Then Lovelock and Starkwell laughed for ten minutes at a rooftop fist fight between Jason and one of the teenagers.  Then Jason punched the kid’s head clean off and it flew off the roof and Lovelock laughed so hard he passed out.  Starkwell shot green tea out of his nose.  Then the rest of the gang got in a cop car and main girl drove it into a wall and exploded her teacher.  Eventually Jason drowns the Uncle guy in a garbage can full of green slime and the movie just gets even more dumb as Jason follows the two survivors across the city.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that Jason definitely did not take Manhattan, nor was this film any good.

[...]

Starkwell: I love the idea that in New York City, no one even gives a second look to a huge slimy decomposing dude walking around wearing a jump suit and a hockey mask.

Lovelock: Also, why would Jason even be chasing them?  Look around dude, there are so many more people you could be killing!

[...]

In the end, Jason is melted in a sewer which is, for some reason, flushed with toxic waste every night. And then lightning strikes the Statue of Liberty.  And then Jason turns back into a little kid.  And then the dog finds them.  Fuck you, film.

Remains.

This movie appears to be as cookie cutter as can be.  Survivors of a zombie apocalypse hunker down in a CASINO!  One thing it has going for it is cast member Miko Hughes, who years ago, played a creepy ass zombie kid, as well as the kid in Arnold Schwartzinneggergegrge’s Kindergarten class that talks about boys having a penis, and girls, subsequently, having a vagina.  A fine moment in anyone’s career I’m sure.  Alright, here we go again.

[...]

[A lengthy introduction of Reno and a bunch of characters.]

Starkwell: Wait… is Miko a magician?

Lovelock: Lame.

[...]

While we continue to meet the characters, the TVs in the background talk about some kind of scientific breakthrough that will bring peace to the world.  It’s some kind of “nuke oven” that will destroy all nuclear weapons somehow?  All I know is that it looks like two huge tits.  Obviously something goes wrong and creates zombies.   Some of the characters were doing the sex in the safe, or the freezer, or whatever, so they did not get infected.

[...]

Starkwell: TERRIBLE zombie acting.

Lovelock: Not to mention that that ‘old lady’ is clearly a dude in his thirties wearing an old lady wig.

Starkwell: Bad acting, lame characters, running zombies AND a fairly unoriginal story?  Wow.  It really has it all.

[...]

Starkwell is having a lot of trouble with this one already.  For starters, the characters don’t even seem all that shocked by what is going on.  There is no explanation as to why some people turned and others did not, some zombies run and act rabid, others shuffle around slowly, some have ‘white’ eyes, others just look normal, some are decomposed, others not… yuck.  Anyways, the small group of characters split up and work on securing the casino.

[...]

[Apparently a lot of time is going by.  But they're all dressed the same.]

Starkwell: Do they ever change, or shower or…?

Lovelock: Where are they finding all the hair gel for Miko’s hair?  It looks painted on.

Starkwell: Why does the girl have to smoke?  So fucking ugly.

Lovelock: Also, she must have an endless supply of makeup stashed somewhere in the casino.

Starkwell: Some people store cans in a bomb shelter.  I guess maybe they would do hair mousse and foundation. 

[...]

For a while, Starkwell and Lovelock were quiet.  It’s not an unbearable film, but it also doesn’t really do anything new or anything at all really...  Starkwell and Lovelock actually played a game of Scrabble while ‘watching’.  Not exactly a glowing review.  They did make many jokes about how inconsistent the zombies’ behaviour is.  Eventually some military types show up and complicate things with guns and shit.  But then they all end up back in the casino anyways.  Then they go around ‘cleaning’ the place up.  Again.  But this time with guns.  Eventually most of them die, and apparently the girl is some kind of smart super zombie that knows how to use a gun.  The end.  BARRRRRrrrrrFFF...

Cape Canaveral Monsters.

There ain’t a whole lot out there about this movie.  What I have read about it, leads me to believe that I shouldn’t expect much.

[...]

[Couple hangs out on the beach, lights flash on a rock.]

Lovelock: Were those lights supposed to be something?

Starkwell: The music leads me to believe that 'yes'…

[Two lights flash in front of their windshield as they drive away, they crash… into… nothing?]

Starkwell: How did the guy’s arm end up in the back seat?

Lovelock: I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.

[The music is completely insane and loud.  Credits play.]

Lovelock: So… were they possessed by those lights?

Starkwell: I guess.  Holy Hell, this music needs to stop.  My head already hurts so much.

[...]

We see laboratory shots, rockets flying, plenty of Cape Canaveral stock footage, and shots of people looking surprised.  Then the rocket blows up.

[...]

Lovelock: I love that they put huge glasses on an actress and assumed that would be enough to make her look like a scientist.

Starkwell: She looks more like a scientist than that old guy.  He looks like a homeless man.

[...]

This movie is incredibly hard to follow, partly because it is incoherent and makes no sense, and partly because the director chooses to occasionally use camera angles that I assume are supposed to be “FIRST PERSON VIEW”, but really do little more than give the audience motion sickness.  Lovelock imagined what this would have looked like in a movie theater, and then he puked.  Starkwell wondered if this camera trick was ahead of its time.  Then he puked for inadvertently complimenting the film.   

[...]

[We see the possessed zombie alien people, being chased by dogs, and they pull his arm (back) off.]

Starkwell: If they have the technology to travel across the universe, and inhabit the bodies of other lifeforces… you’d think they’d be able to do a better job sewing an arm back on.

[The aliens decide they need a new arm, so they need to find a living arm to replace his stump with.]

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t he just possess a new body entirely?  Why would keep the broken torn apart one?

[Lovelock had nothing to say, because after he vomited, he fell asleep.]

[...]

Apparently the aliens are there to prevent humans from figuring out how to space travel.  At one point the alien woman said “PERFECTLY CLEAR” and looked directly at the camera.  Starkwell laughed out loud so hard it woke Lovelock up from his slumber.  The missile explosions are actually pretty impressive, considering how shitty balls the rest of the film is.

[...]

Lovelock: Seriously, why did they bother have him lose an arm?  It would be one thing if the actor only HAD one arm, so they wrote it into the story, but instead, we get a lame ass dude with an arm tucked into his pants.

[...]

Rather than focus on their mission, or how they will prevent man from traveling through space, the aliens spend the bulk of their time finding healthy specimens to farm body parts from.  It’s all much lamer and more boring than it sounds.  I think the aliens teleport two humans to their planet, for their hometeam scientists to examine.  Did I mention that there’s a bad actor playing a hillbilly who waves around a shotgun wearing full body onezee pyjamas?

[...]

Lovelock: Detectives ALWAYS have mustaches in these old movies.

[...]

Eventually, and thankfully, the film ends.

[...]

Lovelock: They were just trying to get home.  Like E.T.

Starkwell: No.  No they weren’t.

Lovelock: Weren’t they?  Geez… maybe they weren’t.  What the heck was this movie?

Starkwell: Bad.

[...]

After all is said and done, the humans blow up the cave where the aliens had their lab, the cops drive away and then you hear screaming and a crash and we see the lights again.  Do I smell a sequel?  No.  Not ever.  Thankfully.