A Little Bit Zombie.

Ugh… another zombie comedy.  Honestly, at this point, my hopes that someone does something original are at an all time low.  Hell, I’d settle for someone re-doing something unoriginal, but at least doing it well.  If my hopes are that low I can only imagine where the hopes of Starkwell and Lovelock must be.

[...]

Lovelock: In the fucking toilet.

[...]

Anyways, this one is starting now, so pay attention.

[...]

[The film opens with an unlikely duo of a really hot blonde bad actress and an old dude with a shotgun wearing fatigues killing zombies, and the girl has some kind of crystal ball (I should mention that the old guy is Stephen McHattie, the guy from “Pontypool”, one of Lovelock and Starkwell’s all time favorite films.  This movie, like “Pontypool” is a Canadian production).]

Starkwell: I know it’s still early in this film to say this… but… Stephen… no… How the mighty have fallen…

[Lovelock missed the entire first ten minutes.  He just sat there weeping.]

[...]

Anyways, for some reason there is some kind of mosquito camera angle, and there’s a badly overdubbed humming sound CLEARLY being made by a human.  But then the mosquito smashes into a windshield of a car being driven by the man characters – some dude named Steve and his horribly overbearing bride-to-be Tina, as well as Steve’s “too cool for school” sister Sarah and her dirty looking husband Craig.

[...]

[The mosquito from the beginning comes back to life, and is now a zombie mosquito… and is flying around making human noises, until it bites Steve.]

Starkwell: So what, like there’s a team of people with a crystal ball, hunting zombies, and no one knows about it?

Lovelock: Well, the mosquito knows.

Starkwell: Right.

Lovelock: We know.

Starkwell: Right.

[...]

Then Steve swats the mosquito and it completely explodes into gooey blood all over his face.  Anyways, it appears that Steve is slowly turning into a zombie.  Meanwhile Stephen McHattie and Blondie are hanging around a bunch of dead zombies.

[...]

[Steve has a black and white “Leave-It-To-Beaver” style dream wherein he craves brains.]

Starkwell: If there is one thing I will forever hate about “Return of the Living Dead”, it’s the fact that every half-assed zombie comedy since thinks that it’s necessary to make zombies crave and say “brains”.

Lovelock: Don’t get me started on that.

[Steve and Craig go out for a run, and Steve seems to have super senses.]

Lovelock: So far, getting the zombie bug don’t seem so bad.

[Then there’s a fart joke, followed by a burp joke, followed by a projectile vomit joke.]

Starkwell: I’ll tell you what DOES seem so bad so far.

[...]

[The Blondie is apparently a scientist, and theorizes that someone infected STEVE style could lead to a cure.]

Starkwell: Of course she’s a scientist.

Lovelock: Most good scientists carry glowing orbs.

Starkwell: I think you’re mistaking scientists with WIZARDS.

Lovelock: Maybe.  This movie sucks, but Stephen McHattie is still awesome sauce.

[...]

[Blondie and McHattie visit the cabin where Steve and the gang are and ask them if they’ve seen any zombies, which makes Steve immediately draw the conclusion that he is a zombie.]

Starkwell: Right.  That makes perfect sense.  Not only is he not surprised by Blondie’s magic crystal… he believes every word and decides he’s a zombie.

Lovelock: I’m more amazed that no one asked how McHattie hooked up with a girl EASILY one third his age and that looks like a porn star.

[...]

Then there was a lengthy Steve SUITING UP montage, in an obvious (read: FORCED) and lame nod to Ash, followed by him failing to hunt raccoon (for their brains).  He fails and ends up eating Tina’s bunny.  Then the movie gets even dumber.

[...]

Starkwell: They all witness him eating the bunny’s raw brains out of its head, and yet, they don’t seem all that worried.  They seem more angry at him for apparently LYING about being a zombie.

[...]

So, the main characters all go to the general store to buy some brains from the butcher, who, for some reason, has a wide selection of animal brains.  Starkwell starts really losing it at this point.

[...]

Starkwell: THIS IS EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE GENRE!

Lovelock: Hey, at least they’re trying.

[Then Starkwell punched Lovelock in the sack and ran away.]

[...]

Starkwell left at the right time, since shortly thereafter the whole gang started laughing about the fact that Steve eats brains and can’t feel any pain.  There’s even a montage of them hanging out and having fun at the cabin.  Anyways, the day ends with Steve vomiting up all of the animal brains that he ate.  Apparently he needs human brains.  Lovelock stayed pretty quiet, mostly tending to his sore balls, and groaning about how shitty he feels this movie is.  There is an occasional joke that works, but it’s in between a lot that don’t.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course the two girls get into a fight and end up spanking each other.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course Tina and Sarah dress up as hookers to lure a guy for Steve to eat.

[...]

Right around the time they showed a guy peeing on another guy’s head, Lovelock seriously almost called it quits, but wanted to see more McHattie.  I think he said “Bad McHattie is still better than no McHattie”.

[...]

[Craig calls McHattie.]

Lovelock: That’s the first smart thing that any character has done.

[Craig and McHattie drop about 400 f-bombs.]

Lovelock: What was this written by a fourteen year old?

[...]

In the end, McHattie and Blondie both die, making it COMPLETLEY POINTLESS TO HAVE HAD THEM IN THE MOVIE IN THE FIRST PLACE, and Steve stays a zombie.  Then while the credits roll, there’s a montage of wedding photos wherein Steve is a zombie groom.  Look Steve’s dancing with Tina’s Grandma!  Oh no Steve! Don’t try and eat her brains!

[...]

Lovelock: Wicked lame.

[...]

Seriously, fuck this movie.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood.

It’s time to see if “Jason Lives” was just a fluke.  It was a slashin’ good time, sure, but does Zombie Voorhees really have lasting power?  I mean, I know he does ON PAPER, since they made four other movies after this one (not counting remakes), but will this one hold up as the first Jason Post Mortem film has?  Will the fun end with the sixth movie?  As is usually the case with this franchise, new movie means new director, and in this case one who had recently participated in “Ragewar” and directed the first “Troll” movie.  So honestly, who knows what this one will bring?  Starkwell and Lovelock are eager to find out.  Eager or nervous or indifferent.  It’s one of those.

[...]

[Movie starts with a narrator talking about Jason, it shows clips from the various films.]

Lovelock: What is this a documentary?

Starkwell: Actually, that would have been a good idea!  A mockumentary would be a good way to bring new life into this stale as Melba series.

Lovelock: Dear filmmakers, movies should never open with a “'previously on' these fucking movies” ever.

[...]

The re-cap and opening credits went on for roughly five minutes, which is really dumb.

[...]

Starkwell: The music is totally ridiculous.

Lovelock: Yeah, and not in that good Fabio Frizzi way.

[...]

So there’s this blonde girl named Tina who wished her dad dead.  The dad then immediately fell in the water where JASON was left for dead... underwater.  Then it cuts to the present day, where Tina is some kind of recovering mental patient, who is being treated at Crystal Lake (where her dad died) by  some creepy ass shrink named Dr. Cruz.

[...]

[It turns out that Tina has telekinetic powers.]

Starkwell: Wait… so it wasn’t Jason that made the dock break and made the dad fall into the water?  It was her mind?  Jason didn't kill her dad?  Bullshit.

Lovelock: Will Jason be in this one… or?

[Tina goes to the lake and wishes her father could come back to life.  Instead, she brings Jason back to life.  He comes out of the water like the X-Wing on Dagobah.]

Lovelock: She is the worst Jedi ever.

[...]

Jason then starts killing people, which is pretty cool I guess.  Lovelock was bummed he didn’t have his machete, but, rather, wielded some kind of knife.  This is the first film to feature Kane Hodder as Jason, and to be honest, it already shows that he is clearly the coolest of the Jasons.

[...]

[Tina sees visions of Jason killing people.]

Starkwell: Seriously, an undead super powered immortal Jason wasn’t enough?  They had to go and add in a girl having wild psychic powers too?

Lovelock: Whatever, she’s hot.

Starkwell: Is it just me, or is Dr. Cruz kind of a dick?

Lovelock: I’m still not sure if he’s a shrink, or some kind of scientist trying to harness her powers…

[...]

Jason punches through a dude, and steals his machete.  If that wasn’t enough to make Lovelock happy, he then killed a girl by picking her up in her sleeping bag and clubbing her against a tree.

[...]

[SLEEPING BAG ON TREE DEATH!]

Lovelock: Every movie should have that.

Starkwell: Not sure it would belong in every movie.

Lovelock: Are you insane?  Pick any movie where kids have a sleepover, and just have someone come in, pick up a kid and lob him or her into a tree.  It would be totally rad.

[...]

[Tina gets upset and psychically throws a TV at Dr. Cruz.]

Lovelock: Man, she should be taking over the world.

[While driving, Tina has a vision and crashes into a tree.]

Starkwell: Might be good to curb the world domination plans until she can control her ‘visions’ just a little better.  Or at least well enough not to crash into trees.

[...]

Jason continues to kill a bunch of characters we never even got to know (not getting to know them has not, however, stopped us from managing to see all of the female characters’ boobs).  The best death was when he shoved a party toot horn thing into a girl’s eye and made it honk.

[...]

[Girl gets thrown out of the window in her underwear.]

Lovelock: That’s why I always put pants on before exploring a spooky cabin.

Starkwell: I don’t think pants would have helped break the fall.

[...]

There’s a whole battle between Tina and Jason, where Tina is like mind throwing shit at Jason.  It’s kind of like when Vader fights Luke, mixed with scenes from “Home Alone”.  That was Lovelock’s description.  In the end she sets him on fire, and then somehow the entire house explodes.   Then, I think Tina’s father comes out of the water and pulls Jason in and the film IMMEDIATELY ends.  What the hell?

Frankenhood.

What do you get when you cross “Re-Animator” with like, umm… “Shaq-Fu”?  Maybe I'm thinking of "Kazam" or "Shazam"... In any case, JB Smoove and Charlie Murphy are in it… so how bad can it be?  That director's name “Blaxwell Smart” has GOT to be a fake.  Starkwell, Lovelock, you can thank Netflix for this one.  The guy who wrote this also wrote one episode of the recent TV show “Spartacus”.  Weird.

[...]

[Two dudes at a morgue.  Scheming.]

Lovelock: CHARLIE MURPHY!

Starkwell: Wait, why is he wearing a welding mask?

[...]

To be completely honest, the jokes actually kind of work.  I mean, the opening line “scratch and win my ass, I’d have better luck scratchin’ my balls” was pretty solid.  And Charlie Murphy is just naturally hilarious.  Don’t get me wrong, the acting sucks, and the story is really stupid.  It’s about two guys, Motown and Darius, that are going to enter a “Street Ball” competition where the prize is $25,000.  I'm not kidding.

[...]

[Darius says what he want to do with his share of the money when they win… and it enters a dream sequence wherein he motorboats a woman’s bare breasts for like a solid minute.]

Starkwell: I have a dream, and it involves leaving you here to watch this by yourself.

Lovelock: Your loss… JB Smoove is only just getting his first scene!

Starkwell: Fiiiine… I’ll stick it out for a little while.

[...]

So Motown and Darius need a third player.  Apparently Charlie Murphy, MORGUE WORKER, is going to help them re-animate a huge dude for their team?  Also there is a love story angle! Between Tammy and Motown!

[...]

Lovelock: Second best line “You ready to make history?” and then Darius says “I’m Ready to make number two.”

[They are attaching jumper cables to a dead guy.]

Starkwell: It’s alright I guess… Are they trying to jump starting a dead guy like an old Chevy?

Lovelock: Seems logical.

[Then Starkwell slapped Lovelock in the face and walked out.]

[...]

After Charlie Murphy is electrocuted and carted off in an ambulance, Darius and Motown head back into the morgue to find Charlie Murphy’s weed stash.  It seems to be the most important and best thing they’ve ever done in their life ever.

[...]

[Motown and Darius get drunk, then stoned, and then the dead guy comes back to life, while they have a discussion about the nutty aroma of Darius’ farts.  Did I mention that the Dead Guy farted loudly several times while getting up off the table?]

Lovelock: Wow… I can only imagine if Starkwell were here.

[...]

Then the pair hide from Frankenhood in the car that they used to jump start him.  Which they then Hot Box.  And Frankenhood gets high.  And Frankenhood eats fried chicken.  Then they’re all friends and they hang out on the morgue couch, watching TV, drinking beers, smoking weed, eating fried chicken, and I think, dancing and freestyle rapping.  It was around here that Lovelock began asking me how much longer it would be.

[...]

[Motown gets the super idea to use Frankenhood as their third player for the STREET BALL tournament.]

Lovelock: How could this fail?  I mean, he’s known what fried chicken is for a whole day!  Hilarious!  He’s trying to eat the basketball!  Oh Frankenhood, you silly goose!

[...]

It’s become apparent that most of the JB Smoove scenes, while sparse and few and far between, are actually funny, and likely ad libbed.

[...]

Lovelock: Frankenhood!  You just ate the whole pan of peach cobbler! You’re so silly!  Oh now he’s drinking all the water!  Oh now he has to go peepee!

[...]

Once he became tired of making sarcastic remarks, Lovelock left, right before a scene where Darius and Motown helped Frankenhood learn how to pee, and Motown ended up with a face soaked in piss!  Classy stuff.  The next scene featured Frankenhood teaching himself to dance in a woman’s leopard print robe.  So anyways, there are a bunch of basketball scenes (slow moving and bad ones), some strip club scenes (Frankenhood shows off his dance moves!), Frankenhood changes teams (oh no! he joined the bad guys!), a Frankenhood sex scene (he’s all “DIS FEEL GOODZ”), but then Frankenhood goes back to Motown’s team (the “Freeballers”… get it?) and they win the tournament.  Apparently one third of twenty five grand was enough for Frankenhood to disappear to a tropical paradise with his girlfriend and retire forever.  Simply horrifying.

Wicked Little Things.

For a short period of time, it seemed like THE thing to do in “scary” movies was to have creepy kids doing creepy things.  I’m not sure when and where the trend started, but it seems to have been a lazy and fashionable way for writers to slip in some added creepiness… have a ghost kid singing some creepy lullaby with lots of reverb.  This movie puts all of its eggs firmly in that basket, in that the main antagonists are to be a group of undead children.  The director seems to have a career that started in the eighties and ended with this movie, which is really not a promising sign.  Unless it’s so good that he was like “I’ll never top that” and then retired.  We’ll see I guess.  After four hundred previews, the movie finally starts.

[...]

[Children are worked like slaves in a coal mine.]

Lovelock: Lousy kids… taking jobs from hard working blue collar adults.

Starkwell: Are you for real?

Lovelock: It’s only a matter of time before they start taking white collar jobs too.

[Mine collapses, kids all die.]

Lovelock: Well, not THOSE kids specifically.  But other kids maybe.

[...]

We are then introduced to a widow and her two daughters.  They are moving into her late husband’s family’s house, out in the sticks.  It’s creepy as balls, and the store owner tells them “ain’t no one been up there in a long time.”  It only makes it seem creepier.  And then he was like “WE DON’T DELIVER FOOD THERE.”  

[...]

[They get to the house, the door is open, the lock is broken, no electricity, no water.]

Lovelock: Wait, so they just go in and let the little girl run around?  Zombies and ghouls aside, what about like racoons and bears and shit?

Starkwell: “Go ahead sweetie! Touch stuff!  Touch everything! Especially the rusty stuff!”

[...]

The little girl sits in one of the bedrooms and there are old dolls and stuffed animals and actual rats, and the family is super sad and depressed.  The daughters hate it and the mother essentially looks like she hates life.  It makes one wonder why, if you’re already sad, you would leave everything behind and go to a creepy, run-down house in the middle of nowhere.  Starkwell and Lovelock stayed pretty quiet, as the mother has one of the scariest nightmares ever about a miner kid driving a pickaxe through her gut.

[...]

[Creepy sounds of child whisper can be heard.]

Lovelock: Using incomprehensible reverby child whispers is kind of like using clowns… It’s a little bit of a cop-out.  An easy way to get scares.

[...]

The mother doesn’t seem to notice that people keep hinting at the fact that there is something seriously wrong with this house.  The plumber said “I’m sure as Hell not sticking around here come nightfall.”  And Lovelock laughed.  Anyways, she’s clearly oblivious, since she didn’t notice that her younger daughter, Emma, just left the house and headed towards the woods and found the old mineshaft. 

[...]

Lovelock: Mother of the year.

[...]

[Emma and Mother are now lost in the woods.  At night.  And they can hear children’s voices.]

Lovelock: If I heard voices and my daughter said “don’t worry it’s just Mary and the others”, I think it would only make me more afraid.  MUCH more afraid.

[...]

Anyways, then the plumber dies at the hands of a Zombie Kid.  Guess he didn’t leave early enough.  The mother and daughter end up at some creepy shack and decide to go in!  They meet a creepy dude named Mr. Hanks, who once again says weird cryptic shit that alludes to the fact that BAD SHIT WILL HAPPEN IF THEY STAY AT THIS HOUSE.  The mother just stands by her idea to stay there.  Then she lets her older daughter go out with random townies that she just met and knows nothing about.

[...]

Lovelock: Mother of the decade.

[...]

[We see the whole lot of Zombie Miner Kids.]

Lovelock: Sweet!  Too bad they don’t have like guitars and shit.  In those outfits they’d make a rad Black Metal Collective of some kind.

Starkwell: Dude, they’re like ten.

Lovelock: Never too young to start being metal.

[Teenage Daughter hangs out with townies, listen to terrible music.]

Lovelock: The Black Metal Zombie Kid Collective's music wouldn't sound anything like this shit… the way I picture it, it's more like “Sunn 0)))” meets "Cathedral" being sung by “Alvin and the Chipmunks”, mixed with just a small dash of hipster shit like “Arcade Fire”.  And they mostly sing in Norwegian.

Starkwell: You realize that you’ve now made up an alternate reality in your mind wherein this band is real?

Lovelock: If that’s wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

[…]

Then the Zombie Kids violently axed a pig to death and ate it, and Lovelock did a jumpkick.  There’s like a rich asshole dude who wants to build a ski resort on the mountain, and we slowly get more details about the Kids.  Lovelock wished it moved just a bit faster, but agreed with Starkwell that it was effectively creepy.

[...]

[Zombie Kids hack the shit out of one of the teens.]

Lovelock: Speaking of irresponsible parents, it must be messed up to let your kid be in this movie and bludgeon a dude to death and then eat him… even if it’s make-believe… the gore is real looking enough that I’d assume the actor kids can’t possibly come out of this well adjusted.

Starkwell: That’s a surprisingly mature statement.

Lovelock: Holy poopoo! Did you see the one kid eating the guts!  Hee hee hee!

[Lovelock started playing air guitar and singing “Minor Threat” by “Minor Threat”, apparently changing‘Minor’ for ‘Miner’ in an awful play on words.]

Starkwell: … weak.

[...]

[Obviously, the Mother loses track of Emma, again, and takes her other daughter into the woods.]

Lovelock: Mother of the century.

[...]

Anyways, it’s the rich asshole the kids are after, because his ancestors are the ones that killed the kids and buried them in the mine in the first place.  So eventually they axe him to death and the Zombie Kids go away… FOR NOW!  The movie resolves itself and ends really quickly.  It’s like all of a sudden the family is California bound and intent on pretending that nothing ever happened.  It’s not a bad film, but there’s definitely something missing.

[...]

Starkwell: Those girls are going to need loads of therapy someday.

Lovelock: Mother of the MILLENIUM FOREVER INFINITY.

Phantasm II.

Released nearly a decade after the first film, and having only directed “The Beastmaster” in between the two films, Coscarelli continues his now “cult classic” saga that is “Phantasm”.  Starkwell and Lovelock are on a quest to see if Coscarelli lost his touch at all, given the time lapse between the two films, and the in between insanity of “The Beastmaster”.  The budget of this film is considerably higher than that of the first film.  This alone should help with his, you know, touch.

[...]

['Universal Studios' intro.]

Starkwell: Given how many budget and indie films we end up watching, it’s weird seeing the “Universal” intro.  It feels like there’s a mistake or something.

[...]

[Tall Man exits a limo.]

Lovelock: I’d be pretty tall too if I had heels like that on.

[...]

We are introduced to Blondie who is narrating her flashback as she goes through her diary.  We see some zombie dwarves trying to kill Mike and Reggie.  Reggie fights them most valiantly, and eventually blows up his house with an explosion that rivaled the death star.  Tall Man gets away.

[...]

[Reggie and Mike jump out of the second floor window as the house blows up.]

Starkwell: Well, there goes a good chunk of the budget.

Lovelock: I assume you mean on the exploding house… because those zombies look, well… yeah.

[...]

After the flashback, we cut to present day, where Mike is all grown up and being released from a mental institution.  As he heads home with Reggie, he has a vision and realizes that Reggie’s house is about to blow up.  As soon as they arrive, it does.

[...]

[Reggie’s family is dead, all in the recently blown up house.]

Starkwell: You think that’s the same house, just from a different angle?

Lovelock: Probably… seems odd to blow up TWO houses just for one shitty movie.

[...]

After a ridiculous funeral scene where Mike’s hair is slick back like some kind of stupid idiot, he and Reggie start their mission to find the Tall Man.  Then there’s an even more ridiculous WEAPON PREPARATION MONTAGE.  Lovelock feels a montage just doesn’t feel right without bad eighties synth rock and said “it just feels like a missed opportunity here”.  Then Reggie and Mike start hunting.

[...]

[Reggie and Mike, out hunting for Tall Man.]

Lovelock: They look like crappy knockoffs of Ash.

Starkwell: Not bad.

Lovelock: Lamer Than Usual Men in Black?

Starkwell: Better.

Lovelock: Ghetto Ghostbusters.

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[...]

Liz, the Blondie with the diary, also sees the Tall Man, and knows of his evil.  Her grandfather dies and somehow this is going to bring on more Tall Man madness.  I think both Lovelock and Starkwell are confused as all Hell, but still, can’t look away.

[...]

Lovelock: I never know what’s actually happening versus what is simply in their minds.

Starkwell: I think that might be the point.

Lovelock: You’re the point.

Starkwell: Yes, Lionel.  I’m the point.

[...]

Reggie picks up a hitchhiker while Mike is sleeping.  Apparently she’s a dead girl from Mike’s visions.  They pull over so they can talk about it.

[...]

[Reggie and Mike pee and talk, roadside.]

Lovelock: Rule number one, never talk to another man while they’re peeing.

[Reggie mentions that he would like to bone hitchhiker girl.]

Starkwell: Jesus… he just buried his wife and kids!  And she’s half his age!

Lovelock: Guy’s got needs.

Starkwell: Yeah, I guess life on the road is hard.

Lovelock: PUN!

[...]

More stuff happens.  Eventually the crazy priest from the funeral and Liz both end up at the Tall Man’s lair.  There, we see THE SPHERE make its triumphant return.  It kills the shit out of the priest and Lovelock shot smoke out of his ears.  Then Liz beats up her dwarf zombie grandma, and eventually ends up in a house with Mike, Reggie and Hitchhiker.

[...]

[Hitchhiker and Reggie bone loudly and obnoxiously.  She literally rides him like a cowgirl and yeehaws.]

Starkwell: Umm…

[Reggie and Mike have to leave in a hurry, because Tall Man took Liz.  Reggie promises Hitchhiker girl that “I’ll find you”.]

Lovelock: Aw.  It’s true love.

Starkwell: Wait, does he even know her name?  Do we?

Lovelock: Yeah, it was something stupid, like “Biology” or “Math”.

Starkwell: It was “Alchemy”.

Lovelock: I think that’s a boy name.

[...]

[After Reggie and Mike lose a car chase to the Tall Man, car blows up.]

Starkwell: He sure does like blowing stuff up…

[...]

Then they saw the Tall Man House in the distance, Reggie turned to Mike and said “let’s go kick some ass”.  Lovelock and Starkwell both burst out laughing for a few minutes.  I think Starkwell was the one that said “I’m not even sure if THEY believe it.”

[...]

[Sphere chases Liz and Mike, ends up killing one of the Tall Man’s goons.]

Lovelock: This movie really should just be all sphere all the time.

Starkwell: But then there would be no story.

Lovelock: How is that any different than it already is?

Starkwell: Good point.  More sphere.

[...]

Once again, as they wrestle in the Tall Man’s lair, we end up seeing a glimpse into an alternate dimension, I assume Hell.  It’s as shocking and horrifying as it was the first time around… maybe more so.  Then they Sphere, stab and embalm the Tall Man with acid. And he blows up.  But then Hitchhiker is back and she’s evil, and I think Reggie dies, but then Tall Man is back and he grabs Mike and Liz but it’s a dream or wait no it’s not.   Honestly, it really is a fantastic sequel, even though neither Starkwell, Lovelock nor myself has any idea what the Hell is going on / just happened.

Bruce Lee Fights Back From the Grave.

The film opens with a shot of Bruce Lee’s grave.  Then, there’s a very quick shot of LIGHTNING FLASHING.  Then a Bruce impersonator explodes out of the ground in front of the “Bruce Lee” gravestone.  Cut to a title shot that, for some reason, has a very ‘Star Wars’-ish font.  Then there is a still shot of some kind of painting of Bruce Lee uppercutting some kind of half man half gargoyle with a scantily clad woman watching.  This whole thing lasted twenty seconds.  Lovelock and Starkwell re-watched it twenty-five or so time.

[...] 

[After the Gargoyle Punch Painting shot, it cuts very abruptly (the music even completely changes) to an airplane flying.]

Starkwell: Is it Bruce Lee on board?

Lovelock: Is he out for vengeance?  

[Honestly, we never find out.]

[...]

After that, they agreed there wasn’t any point in watching the rest of it.  Honestly, they didn’t miss much.  The rest of the film is pretty standard low level seventies chop-socky.  I’ve seen Dragon Lee films with better fighting, better acting and a more comprehensible story.  Ask me if I like Dragon Lee films.  Also, I’m not even sure if the character is actually supposed to be an undead Bruce Lee or not.  We the audience don't know, and I don't even think the character in the film knows.  He doesn't refer to himself as Bruce Lee, doesn't really seem to be on a vengeance quest, really, and if he IS undead Bruce, he shouldn't be teaching Tae-kwon-do.  There's also a Chuck Norris impersonator at one point who gets all rapey pervert with a girl.  If there actually was a film that featured an undead Bruce Lee coming back from the grave, the first thing he should do, is go after all of the people that tried to cash in on his death and make a quick buck imitating him with lookalikes who, for the most part, couldn't even fight or act.  Horrifying.

Virgin Among the Living Dead.

Often referred to by it’s other title “Christine, Princess of Eroticism”, this Franco cult 'classic' is almost certain to make Starkwell leave and Lovelock scratch his head.  And yet, both seem so eager and excited to watch the movie.  Such is the mystery that is Jess Franco’s body of work.  The opening credits are as schizophrenic as any I have ever seen.  I should mention that the film is in French.

[...]

Lovelock: If this music is any indication of the style of movie we are about to watch, then we are about to watch musical diarrhea.

Starkwell: Or the weirdest porno of all time.

[...]

The terrible acting and badly overdubbed French dialogue has informed Starkwell and Lovelock that the young Miss Benton is heading to Monteserate’s Castle.  Apparently, no one ever goes there…  Locals say that the people there are dead.  Not haunted, not just weird people, straight up dead people.  I’m sure we’ll soon find out what the deal is.  First she is going to stay the night in a shitty hotel.

[...]

[Miss Benton has a nightmare, squirms in bed, wakes up.]

Lovelock: You think Franco says to these women “sound scared but also, mostly aroused”?

Starkwell: Something like that.

Lovelock: Of course she walks around the hotel in her silky transparent underwear.

Starkwell: That's his next guideline, generally.

[...]

Apparently Moneserate’s Castle is actually her family’s castle… so she is very much intent on still going there.  She doesn’t believe for a second that everyone’s dead.  Then she gets a ride out to the castle, and there’s a long scene where Miss Benton waxes philosophical.  It’s her voice reciting a nonsensical poem while shitty jazz fusion plays over canned jungle sounds.  Lovelock almost pissed his pants.

[...]

[Uncle Howard plays piano.]

Lovelock: That is the worst fake piano playing I’ve ever seen.

[Miss Benton walks up a staircase and hears female moaning sounds.]

Starkwell: What the Hell is going on?

[Black Haired woman sits alone in a room at a desk drawing crosses in red paint.]

Lovelock: What?

[Some woman dies, they have a funeral, Uncle Howard sings, the rest of the family sings along.]

Lovelock: I don’t think they’re singing the same song.

Starkwell: The dead girl totally moved her eyes.

Lovelock: Why would Miss Benton stay here?

Starkwell: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell speak French, and yet I still think something is being lost in translation.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course she sleeps fully naked.  Over the covers.

[...]

[The weird mute guy groans at Miss Benton, or Christina as she is now being called, and waves a dead rat in her face, she runs back into her room.]

Starkwell: Well that didn’t really serve any purpose.

Lovelock: Good thing she was naked before it all happened.

Starkwell: I bet the dead rat waving and groaning thing usually works on the naked ladies.

[...]

Anyways, we get some back story about Christina.  She never knew her Mom or Dad.  The people of this castle are apparently her Dad’s family, and she’s expecting inheritance of some kind.  I guess that’s why she’s there.

[...]

[Christina goes for a walk in the forest.]

Starkwell: She certainly likes wearing green.  She camouflages with the forest.

Lovelock: She isn’t all that big on wearing bras, on the other hand.

[She finds a pond, so obviously she gets naked and jumps in.]

Lovelock: Obviously two creepy old dudes watch her from the bushes.

Starkwell: Is something going to happen in this movie, I mean other than Christina walking around in various levels of undress?

Lovelock: "Virgin Among the Living Dead"?  More like “Boredom Among the Sleeping Audience.”

[...]

Then Christina goes back to the castle, gets a slap in the face from Uncle Howard, finds dead bats in her bed, and then walks in on Clemenze (a girl) and The Lazy-Eyed (?) Cousin (also a girl) having some kind of lesbian pube trimming session, complete with sucking blood from a fresh cut on the boobies.  The scene goes on for like three whole minutes.

[...]

[Christina wakes up scared and tries to escape the castle, in her nightgown.]

Lovleock: She is certainly well equipped for the jungle, what with the whole being naked and confused all the time.

Starkwell: So let me get this straight… She sees one of her cousins or whatever nakedly sucking booby blood from an equally naked cousin… and she goes downstairs to eat some dinner… but a little nightmare sends her running for the jungle?

[...]

[Lawyer comes and reads the will, everything goes to Christina, but she tells the weirdoes that they can all stay.]  

Starkwell: Why would she let them stay?  Euuuuhhh….

[Uncle Howard plays piano and Clemenze squirms around half naked on the floor.  This lasts several minutes.]

Lovelock: That’s pretty entertaining… maybe that’s why.  Maybe CHristina likes a little crazy.

[...]

Starkwell: If you have to ask “WHICH ONE” when someone mentions a scene where the main character wakes up naked in bed, chances are that you have too many.

Lovelock: True… but this time she wakes up to find a huge black dildo/vase on the ground.  It has balls!

[Christina smashes the cock vase, and this apparently is going to bring a curse on her head.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never smash cock and ball vases.

Starkwell: Do you have a cock and ball vase?

Lovelock: No, but I think you can get them at the Pottery Barn.

[...]

[Mute Guy strangles Lazy-Eyed Cousin.]

Starkwell: Was it really necessary for her to get naked right before he strangled her?

Lovelock: To get the part?  Probably.  I can’t imagine what Franco put these girls through.

Starkwell: That didn't make any sense.

Lovelock: Your face doesn't make any sense.

[...]

Anyways, Christina keeps seeing her dead dad, and starts following him around, because CLEARLY that's what you do when you see dead people.  But then Uncle Howard and the gang show up to fulfill the curse… The curse of the big black cock and balls!  Apparently to fulfill it, they need to tear her clothes and gnaw at her thighs, for a while.

[...]

Lovelock: Not that I want them to be, but why wouldn’t the dudes ever be naked too?  I mean, if this is one big naked fest...

Starkwell: The fake cock and balls of the vase was enough for me thanks.

[...]

Then there was some strange sacrifice scene involving naked women straddling each other and her undead dad leaking blood out of his mouth.  Then Christina woke up delirious in the hotel from the beginning.  After that I think it like flashed back to the night before… I think.  The whole family, Christina included, drowned themselves in a pond out behind the castle and claimed to be returning to the river Styx.  Definitely a happy ending.

Zombies On Broadway.

While one could argue that a lot of early zombie films have some elements of comedy in them, whether intentional or not, Gordon Douglas’ 1945 “Zombies on Broadway” sets out to be just that, from start to finish, a zombie comedy, starring the comedy duo of somebody and somebody else.  Well I have a comedy duo of my own that I intend to put to work, by having them watch the very film I just mentioned.

[...]

[Gangster advertises his new theatre that features a real live zombie!  Opening this weekend!  Turns out our Comedy Duo, hired to provide the zombie, is actually trying to pass off a regular dude as a zombie!]

Lovelock: This is unrelated, but the expression “hate you like poison” is pretty tits.

[...]

After visiting an old scientist, the Duo decide “screw the Gangster” and decide to run away to California, instead of trying to figure out how to get him a zombie.  But Gangster catches them, and so, they’re going to San Sebastien to find a guy named Dr. Renault and provide Gangster with a zombie for his show!

[...]

[Music Man of the Island plays a song on his guitar and sings to the Duo about the island.]

Lovelock: I can’t help but wish the whole film was in song.

Starkwell: That would get a bit annoying.

[Enter Dr. Renault, played by Bela Lugosi.]

Lovelock: Man, if Lugosi sang his lines, he’d be even hammier!  I think I’d die.  Of happiness.

[...]

We see our first zombie, and he’s terrifying.  It’s a local native with crazy bug-eyes.  Starkwell and Lovelock aren’t sure if they are his real eyes or not… but either way Lovelock just dry-heaved.  The Duo meet a Dancer Girl and team up with her to find a zombie.

[...]

[Zombie watches the Dancer get changed through her window.]

Lovelock: Maybe that’s how he got his bug-eyes… by being a Peeping Tom and peeping REAL HARD.

[...]

As if Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t already massively uncomfortable from the basic racism on display here and there, one of the Comedy Duo tried to blend in with the crowd of natives by smearing grease all over his face, creating the infamous Black Face.  Lovelock asked Starkwell “is it racist to watch this… or?”  The Dancer was captured by a zombie and brought to Lugosi, who wants to make her go all zombie.  There was a moment where Lugosi, talking about the doctor who sent the Comedy Duo to the island, said very bluntly “I HATE HIM”.  I only mention the line because Lugosi delivered it with such ferocious passion that Lovelock and Starkwell re-watched it five times.

[...]

[Lugosi and his Assistant make the Duo dig their own graves.]

Lovelock: You would think they would catch on when the guy asked him to lie down so he could measure the size of the whole to dig…

Starkwell: Well, now where’s the humor in that?

[...]

Then Lugosi kidnaps the fat one of the Duo, Fat Mike, and turns him into a zombie.  He tries to turn the other guy, Jerry, into one as well, but he gets away thanks to the Dancer Girl, a little helper monkey and, eventually, the zombie Kolaga, who for some reason turns on his master.

[...]

[Jerry, Dancer Girl and the Monkey sneak past the Natives by pretending to be zombies after seeing Fat Mike walk past them no problemo.]

Lovelock: The little monkey had his arms up!  Oh now that’s just the most adorable thing ever.

Starkwell: Wait, so Fat Mike is just a zombie now… like forever?

Lovelock: A definite improvement.

[...]

[Right before the show, Fat Mike turns back into a regular human when he sees a girl bending over.]

Lovelock: So that’s all it takes?

Starkwell: If that were true, then wouldn't Kolaga have un-zombied when he watched the girl change earlier?

Lovelock: If logic was something worth worrying about... yes...

[...]

Anyways, apparently someone lifted the syringe with the zombie serum off Lugosi before he got axed because at the last minute Gangster Boss gets injected and turns into a zombie!  Just in time for the show!

[...]

[But wait!  Jerry just sat on the needle!  He’s a zombie now too!]

Lovelock: Sharing needles is not a laughing matter.

Starkwell: The more you know.

Lovelock: At least Dancer Girl just has to bend over or show some skin to turn him back.

[...]

The end.