Valley of the Zombies.

I’ve honestly never heard anything about this film.  But if we’ve learned anything from other movies from around this time that have the word zombie in the title, it’s that they often barely feature any zombies.  Let’s wait and see, I guess, if this 1946 venture is guilty of the same.

[...]

[Someone has stolen twelve pints of blood from the hospital.]

Starkwell: The stage is set.

[Caped Man sneaks into Dr. Rufus Maynard’s office.]

Starkwell: Wait, no one saw him come in?  They just left through that door.

Lovelock: Honestly, who cares, the dude in the cape is awesome and creepy and the best.

Starkwell: Ormond Murks and Rufus Maynard… this movie might have the best names ever.

[...]

As Ormond kills Rufus for his blood, Starkwell noted that “people don’t talk like this anymore, and, really, that’s a shame.”  Lovelock responded something along the lines of having heard that before and called Starkwell a nerd.  They did seem pretty psyched about the movie so far.

[...]

[Cops see Ormond digging a grave.]

Starkwell: Did the cop just say “he ain’t diggin’ potatoes”?

Lovelock: Did he just say “the party that has a peculiar passion for pickling”?

[...]

The cops go to the hospital and find Dr. Evans and Nurse Drake.  The cops are pretty insensitive.  As Lovelock said, “it’s almost comical.”  Even more insane is how calm and funny Evans and Drake are acting when the cops are interrogating them.  These are some pretty dumb cops.

[...]

[Dr. Evans and Nurse Drake are essentially trying to be like the Hardy Boys.]

Starkwell: Why would they try and solve the case?

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that they think it’s so hilarious that they are the top suspects in a murder investigation.

Starkwell: Best line so far is the Nurse’s supremely sexist “You might need help, and I’m good at screaming.”

Lovelock: That’s what them skirts do best.  Well that and getting’ into trouble.  Lousy dames.

[...]

As the film played out like a live action episode of Scooby Doo, the pair seemed both interested and bored all at the same time.  They perked up during a somewhat interesting car chase sequence.  Honestly, it was pretty impressive for 1946.

[...]

[Hypnotized Nurse Drake works with Ormond.]

Starkwell: Make up your mind, movie… Is it voodoo, black magic or hypnosis?

[Things resolve and the movie ends immediately.]

Lovelock: Yay!

Zombie High.

Long before getting an Oscar nomination, Virginia Madsen had the privilege of being in a little known ‘80s piece of shit known as Zombie High.  Never heard of it?  Neither has anyone else in the world.  But it’s there on Netflix, and therefore, I OBVIOUSLY need to subject Starkwell and Lovelock to it.  I don’t think that this is typical flesh-eating zombie type of stuff, even though the insanely cheesy intro might try and make it look that way, with a drawing of a living dead thing.  Anyways, let’s get this show on the road.

[...]

[Hilarious intro.]

Starkwell: Just in case no one was sure what era it was, the director decided to make, quite possibly the most instantaneously dated intro ever filmed.

Lovelock: Seriously, I bet even in ’87 people were like “man, that shit is just too fucking eighties.”

[...]

It doesn’t take long for us to be introduced to a parade of eighties clichés.  Jock, punk, tennis preppy boys, sluts, weird hipster art dudes, you know, all that shit.  Lovelock and Starkwell seem to be basking in the nostalgic glory of it all.  They both simultaneously commented on Virginia Madsen’s “mom” jeans and how nicely it accentuated her fupa.

[...]

[We are introduced to Dr. Beauregard Eisner and his faculty of crusty white dudes.]

Lovelock: Solid name for the guy that will clearly be the villain here.

[...]

[It turns out that the creepy guy that Andrea was eyeing earlier in the movie is her TEACHER, he introduces himself to the class.]

Lovelock: Holy shit, why would he put his leg up on the chair and stand like that?

[You kind of had to see it to know what he is talking about, but I felt it was worth mentioning since they both missed the next five minutes because they were laughing so hard.]

[...]

For some reason, one of the roommates’ voices is overdubbed, really badly.  It seems to be annoying Starkwell.  Lovelock thinks it adds to the movie.  We also find out that the school’s founder was a TOTAL PSYCHOPATH, which is probably going to end up being relevant to the story.  Then Andrea has a creepy dream that she is abducted and has a microchip inserted into her neck surgically.

[...]

[Eighties Sex Jam plays as Andrea goes to meet with her teacher, after hours.]

Starkwell: I’ve got a few issues here.  First, she looks the same age as him, even though he’s the teacher and she’s supposedly in high school.  Second, he’s ugly as sin, she isn’t.  Third, his room looks like the set of a porno.

Lovelock: Why isn’t she calling the police?

Starkwell: They should have called the police while making this movie and had production shut down.

[...]

Lovelock suddenly realized that there would be no flesh eating here.  As the “zombie” students closed in on Felner, he realized that there would likely be nothing of value to him, and in a rare move, Lovelock, and not Starkwell, walked out on the movie first.  On his way out, I believe he said “Felner?  Emerson?  Dr. Philo? Who came up with these fucking names?”  Starkwell actually hung on, and every now and then, said some shit out loud.  I did my best to document what happened, when Starkwell was all alone with this movie.

[...]

[Andrea goes to the pool.]

Starkwell: Just once, I’d like to see an actor or actress that knows how to swim.  When you actually know how to swim, there’s something so horribly unattractive about someone ungracefully flailing around in the water like a toddler during their lessons at local YMCA.  The hottest girl or guy can instantly become ugly as taint.

[...]

Starkwell: I guess high school students were MUCH older in the eighties, judging by the fact that most of them look forty.

[...]

Barry, Andrea's boyfriend, comes back to the school to find Andrea, and catches her hanging out with her teacher.  There’s a scene in the library where he punches Dr. Philo in the face, and it was easily the best scene so far, according to Starkwell.  Still not enough to bring Lovelock back though.

[...]

Starkwell: The first forty five minutes of this movie could have been packed into five minutes.  It would still be five boring minutes, but at least then I’d have forty minutes leftover to stare at a wall and imagine a better story.

[...]

I’m starting to think that Starkwell is only hanging around for the jokes.  Either that or he really wants to finally have a “zombie” movie that he sat through that even Lovelock couldn’t bother to finish.  Just then, it finally started to pick up a little steam as Andrea stumbled upon a dead Emerson and some sort of wine cellar, where the crusty faculty members were bottling up… blood?

[...]

Starkwell: So… let me get this straight… she finds dead Emerson, knows that the teachers did it, and RATHER than calling the authorities, she calls her dumb boyfriend… and when he isn’t home, she says “don’t worry it’s not urgent” to his mom?  Is that what’s happening?  Okay, just make sure.  FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

[...]

He’s struggling.  He really wants to have at least one shitty movie that he could sit through that Lovelock couldn’t.  He started to walk away, but turned around saying something like “MUST… HOLD… THE FUCK ON…”  In the next scene, Dr. Philo reveals to Andrea that he is like a hundred years old and it AWKWARDLY and RAPIDLY cuts to the school dance.  Starkwell sat on the couch, in the foetal position, rocking back and forth, crying as it repeatedly awkwardly cut from dance floor shots to Andrea and Dr. Philo arguing and discussing the "facts".  As Dr. Philo explained the faculty’s immortality formula, which involved some kind of blood wine, lobotomizing students, extracting brain tissue and replacing them with magical crystals… he just cried harder and harder and harder.

[...]

[Andrea apparently knows how to hotwire a car.  She steals one and tries to go tell the police, but UH-OH the police are also “zombies”.]

Starkwell: FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOUuuuuuuu... FUCK! YOUuuuuuUUUUUooouuuu…

[Andrea drives her car into another car.  The car explodes.  She’s somehow totally fine.]

Lovelock: WOAH!  Explosion!  Maybe I was wrong about this.

Starkwell: WHAaaaaa??

Lovelock: It’s okay.  I’ll take it from here.  You can go get some rest.

[...]

Without saying a word, Starkwell ran into his bedroom and fell unconscious immediately.  Right after he left, the plot got even dumber, since, apparently, playing Barry’s shitty mix tape over the school’s speakers will magically reverse the effects of the magical crystals that have been magically planted in all of the students’ brains all around the magical world.  As if by magic.  Anyways, during all of this, there was one cool scene right near the end, where the faculty members all decomposed, melted and died.  There was even a pretty awesome decapitation.  Eventually the movie ends.  I say ‘eventually’ because, holy shit, it takes forever to end.  The best part is, no one is cured.  It ends on ALL OF THAT SCHOOL'S ALUMNI, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT, dropping dead.  How did they hear Barry's mix tape on the other side of the country?  I'm not sure, but I AM sure that I can hear Starkwell crying from his room.  The end.

Gangs of the Dead.

Meteor crashes and turns dead homeless people into infected zombies.  Meanwhile two gangs fightin’ for the streets get caught in the middle.  There are so many ways that this can go dreadfully wrong.  I’m hoping Starkwell and Lovelock lose count.  What’s especially weird is that the guy who wrote and directed this thing seems to only have ever worked on video games both before and after this movie.  It starts and we’re introduced to a variety of Los Anglesians.  Ten minutes in and Lovelock and Starkwell still haven’t left, so that’s something.

[...]

[Random shots of L.A., with like music playing and shit.]

Lovelock: We’ve watched fifteen minutes of film, and I honestly feel like hey could have cut out ten minutes of it.

Starkwell: I was thinking fifteen out of fifteen.

[...]

[Latino crew shows up early to a crime meeting, after mixing up AM and PM.]

Starkwell: Wait, it's nine in the morning?  They've been driving around for like two hours!  Are we supposed to believe that those gangsta dudes were all up and hanging around at like seven in the morning?

Lovelock: I don’t think the movie really cares what you believe.  

Starkwell: Also, why are they surprised that the other gang is already there?  Didn’t they see the girl in the car parked RIGHT NEXT TO THEIR CARS!?!?!?  Didn't they see the other car altogether?

Lovelock: I just love that NOT ONLY is there some kind of sketchy arms deal happening at nine in the morning, but that these guys are mixing up AM/PM, like they’re setting an alarm to get up and go the gym, or to the office

Starkwell: I would have thought one of the main attractions towards a life of crime is being able to sleep in.

[...]

Then the Homeless people attack the cops and an outbreak ensues.  Lovelock was like “alright, now we’re getting somewhere.”

[...]

[Weatherman’s Girlfriend tries to give Squeegee Bum a buck and then the Bums rip her apart and eat her.]

Lovelock: And that’s why I never give money to the homeless.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

One of the two main cops is the nerdiest looking guy ever.  Starkwell said “It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s actually a software engineer that has worked on some of the director’s video games, and he owed him a favor.”

[...]

[Latinos jump into a dumpster, surrounded by zombie-bums.]

Starkwell: Solid plan guys.

Lovelock: It’s time to take out the trash!

Starkwell: ... What?

Lovelock: I feel like this movie needs one-liners.

Starkwell: Yeah but what... you mean the zombies would say that?

Lovelock: I don't know... but somebody should have said it.

[...]

Honestly some of what’s here isn’t bad, and Starkwell and Lovelock seem somewhat into it… it’s just that there is SO MUCH filler.  For starters, so many of the characters are unnecessary, especially since they end up dying before they are developed anyways.   And then Weatherman throws a grenade into room that had many grenades in it.  The explosion is tiny, and somehow the others don’t blow up.  I think wat Starkwell said was “Man, Fuck you.”

[...]

[Weatherman somehow knows what has caused all of this.]

Starkwell: When society collapses, we must all turn to… the weather man for wisdom?

Lovelock: That’s probably the least believable thing in this movie.  Meteorologists are wrong about the weather nine times out of ten, and that’s their job… and we’re supposed to believe that he could figure this out.  Weak.

[...]

[Zombie Weatherman is shot in the head.]

Starkwell: And the award for most redundantly useless character in the movie goes to…

[...]

Lovelock: The zombies kind of look like 'The Hulk' looked in that old TV Show with Bill Bixby.

[...]

Anyways, more people die, some because of gang-fighting, some because of zombies.  As the movie went, the dialogue kept getting worse and as Lovelock said “holy shit this shit is dragging on forever and shit.”  That sums it up very well.  “Night of the Comet” this is not.  Nor is it “C.H.U.D.”

The Video Dead.

What better way to scare the MTV generation than to make a movie where zombies come out of the TV?  Well, I can tell you, there are probably a million better ways, and can also tell you that this movie is probably pretty bad.  But, it’s not important what I think.  It’s only important what Starkwell and Lovelock think.

[...]

[Delivery men deliver a guy a huge crate that he never even ordered.]

Starkwell: Who just accepts random crates?

Lovelock: Probably dudes that end up dead.

[...]

[Crate has a TV in it, he turns it on, it shows a fake zombie film.]

Starkwell: That zombie film looks more interesting than the actual zombie film that we are watching.

Lovelock: Dude, we’re one minute in… give it a chance.

[...]

[Zombie rises out of the TV.]

Lovelock: I think if he had turned on the TV and it was showing pornography, this would be a whole other movie.

[Delivery men come back, they had the wrong address.]

Starkwell: If a crate is destined for the Institute for the Occult, you would think that they wouldn’t accidentally deliver it to a residential neighborhood...

Lovelock: Right, because an Institute that is receiving an evil television set that communicates with another dimension would definitely be on the same route as this old crotchety guy`s house.

Starkwell: They probably ordered it off of Amazon.

[...]

[We are introduced to the main character girl.]

Starkwell: Of course she is going to major in Aerobics and minor in Music Video.  Fucking eighties.

[...]

[Jeff rakes leaves outside.]

Starkwell: Same shirt! He’s wearing the same clothes two days in a row?

Lovelock: The soundtrack is TOTALLY RADICAL.

[...]

There was an odd exchange between Jeff and Neighbor Girl, wherein she says her poodle runs into the woods, tries to mate with skunks, and then gets more turned on when they spray him.  Lovelock and Starkwell both just sat there dumbfounded.

[...]

[Jeff rolls a joint, smokes it, and a naked woman comes out of the TV set, she goes back into the set, and then Jeff has a conversation with some old crusty white dude.]

Lovelock: That’s why I pass on grass.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[Zombie hand grabs Jeff through the TV, he chops it with a hatchet, gets blood all over himself.]

Starkwell: Well, at least he’ll finally put on a new shirt.

[...]

There was a whole slow moving sequence showing zombies walking around the house, eventually turning on the blender, and then laughing.  Lovelock said something like “Laughing zombies? Fuck you.”

[...]

[Zombies kill people, and laugh.]

Starkwell: How the hell did that zombie get into the washing machine?

Lovelock: Explanations aren't needed in a montage... Look, that one zombie is wearing the old man’s glasses! Silly zombie.

[...]

Starkwell: So wait, to kill them, you have to attack them, as if they were alive, let them think they are dead, and leave them out in the woods to decompose over time.  Once decomposed, then they are actually dead?

Lovelock: Or, trap them in a room, and they eat themselves.

Starkwell: I guess the writer wanted to try something different than just shoot the brain.

Lovelock: Tried and failed.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused ever.

Starkwell: Also, if that’s true, and a little arrow to the chest can make them stop and think they are dying, why wouldn’t the IRON TO THE HEAD have killed the zombie earlier in the film?

[...]

Starkwell: Wait, so, arrow to the side, dead.  Iron to the head AND shotgun shot to the leg at point blank range… not dead?

Lovelock: How fucking stoned was the guy who wrote this?

Starkwell: How stoned were the people that gave this turd the green light?

[...]

[Jeff runs into the bear trap he set up.]

Starkwell: He has the whole forest to run through and he steps in the one tiny bear trap that he set up?

Lovelock: Dude deserves to die as far as I’m concerned.

[Jeff chops off zombie head and simultaneously takes a chainsaw to the chest.]

Lovelock: This movie ain’t so bad I guess.

[...]

[She traps them in a room, they start melting.]

Starkwell: Wait, I thought when trapped they would eat themselves.

Lovelock: It’s not an exact science.

[...]

Then the TV says THE END for the in-the-TV fake movie.  The girl goes insane, and when her incredibly old parents go to visit her, what do they bring her in the hospital?  The TV.  Of course the TV.  You know, there are a lot of people that were involved with this film, the actors, the writer-director, etc. that have never been involved in any other movie, ever.  I think I know why.

The Dead Outside.

While it has more in common with “The Crazies” or “The Grapes of Death” than it does with the typical zombie fare, Scotland’s “The Dead Outside” got pretty solid reviews from random film festivals… or so the box tells us.  Since we learned long ago that you can’t judge a film by its BOX, we will have to let Starkwell and Lovelock talk it out.  And… PLAY.

[...]

[Main character finds an old farmhouse.]

Lovelock: Yeah, hauling up in a creepy abandoned farmhouse during an outbreak… that’s ALWAYS a good idea.

Starkwell: Well it’s a good idea from the standpoint of the director wanting to make the film creepy.

Lovelock: Yeah, I guess it is a good idea... I mean for us.

[...]

We get a little bit of insight into what is going on.  We know there is a vaccine and we know it doesn’t work… The movie has a pretty slow pace, but the soundtrack is good, the acting seems perfectly adequate, and the director does a fairly decent job in making Lovelock “almost shit my pants” once or twice.

[...]

[Daniel talks to April while April works.]

Lovelock: Dude, make yourself fucking useful.  You’re just watching her dig holes and work and shit.

[Daniel chops some wood.]

Lovelock: Ahh… the token classic wood chopping flashback scene.  There’s always a wood chopping flashback scene.

Starkwell: Well, at least he’s pitching in.

[...]

The flashback scene and strange editing made it hard to figure out exactly what the hell happened, or what the hell is going on.  But as Starkwell said “I think that’s the point.  Don’t you feel nervous and on edge?  GOOD.  You’re supposed to.”

[...]

[April seems to be immune.]

Lovelock: Why does she have blood all over her face?

Starkwell: Is she immune, or is she ONE OF THEM!??!

Lovelock: Maybe he’s immune.

Starkwell: Maybe he’s one of them…

[...]

It’s not often that a film can make both Lovelock and Starkwell paranoid.  The movie oozed forward with a minimal yet speaker bustingly loud film score and nervous farts aplenty from the peanut gallery.

[...]

Starkwell: It only takes one scary movie to make all music boxes scary forever.

[...]

[Daniel betrays April’s trust.]

Lovelock: April don’t seem like a girl you should be betraying… EVER.  Daniel sucks.

[Daniel makes some kills.]

Lovelock: Dude, awesome.  Redemption.

[...]

Then we get the whole back story on April.  Starkwell and Lovelock were both literally on the edge of their seats.  It’s clear that April is a very broken young girl.

[...]

[KATE IS EVIL! She kidnaps April and takes off in car.]

Lovelock: Stupid Daniel, I hate him.  I hope he makes up for this by killing Kate.

Starkwell: The dead outside?  More like the bitch inside.

Lovelock: There it is.

[Kate almost immediately runs the car into a tree.]

Lovelock: Evil and a shitty driver? Nice.  Well at least the crazies will get her now and, hopefully bludgeon her to death with a rock.

[...]

Eventually, April stabs Kate directly in the heart.  Lovelock stands up and plays an air guitar solo.  Daniel goes back to his home to kill his infected kid.  The guitar solo stops, and the movie ends.  Starkwell was in love.

Bloodlust Zombies.

A 2010 straight-to-video film that features a porn actress in the starring role is almost guaranteed to be awful.  I’m surprised Starkwell and Lovelock haven’t already left the room.

[...]

[Scientists experiment on cats.]

Lovelock: Awww… look at the kitties.

Starkwell: Did you say kitties or titties?

Lovelock: Does it even matter at this point?

[...]

Worst acting ever, set design that looks like it was thrown together by five year olds, dialogue that sounds as if written by a drunken fifth grader… I don’t know how long this will last.

[...]

Starkwell: High powered military scientists, and those plastic champagne glasses are all they can afford?

[...]

Porn Star gets naked for crusty old dude, and Starkwell leaves.  Then Lovelock leaves.  Then I shut it off.  Hopeless.  How does bullshit like this get made?  Boobs, I guess.

Autumn.

I haven’t really heard much about “Autumn”.  I think it’s a Canadian film based on a novel by David Moody.  I know it’s about a virus that wipes out the most of the population, who then eventually RISE!!!  The movie starts immediately showing a montage of people coughing up blood and dying, and some people surviving the apparent FLASH plague.

[...]

[We are introduced to some survivors.  People somehow immune to this.]

Lovelock: They seem to be taking this rather well.  I would have probably pooped and peed my pants while vomiting at the same time.  And screaming.  And crying.

Starkwell: I don’t think that would look very good on film.

[...]

What is it with these low-budget movies using bad songs for the soundtrack and basically having whole sequences that look like bad and boring music videos?  Not my question, it was Starkwell’s… I just paraphrased since his version contained many curse words.

[...]

Starkwell: The two British actors make the Canadian actors seem even worse at acting than they actually are.

Lovelock: True… but I don’t think that they needed any help.

[...]

Considering that the film’s runtime clocks in at a little less than two hours, both Lovelock and Starkwell are concerned, given the snail’s pace that we are currently oozing at.

[...]

Lovelock: He’s going outside for a smoke?  Oh those polite Canadians…

[...]

Starkwell: How come all of the planes didn’t come crashing down when the virus exploded?  And if the people in said planes didn’t get hit by it, why haven’t the planes landed and the airports been flooded with people looking for answers?

Lovelock: Enough of your ‘what if this really happened’ stuff.  Focus on the movie.

[...]

[The bodies get up and start walking around.]

Lovelock: That’s what I’m talking about!

Starkwell: You were just talking about corpses getting up?

Lovelock: Well… no… but… FUCK YOU.  You know what I mean.

Starkwell: Alright, settle down, I’m excited too.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would the guy dressed as a clown stay dressed as a clown?

[...]

Holy shit this film moves slowly.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell can appreciate a deliberate pace, but this is making Jean Rollin films seem fast moving.  Starkwell still thinks that everyone is way too calm and that they seem to be figuring out what is going on way too easily.  It’s like the walking dead don’t even shock them.

[...]

[Guy shoots gun at a zombie, zombie ATTACKS HIM!]

Lovelock: Well, it’s a start.

Starkwell: Aren’t you the one who always says ‘it doesn’t matter how we get there as long as we get there’?

Lovelock: Yeah, but it shouldn’t have to take this long.

[...]

[Guy watches zombies eat a dog, the movie then freezeframes on him holding binoculars.]

Starkwell: The movie isn’t long enough already? They have to pause on certain shots now?

[...]

Somewhere around the hour and fifteen minute mark, the movie really starts picking up some steam.  Lovelock and Starkwell were quiet, and extremely focused on the screen.

[...]

[Carl finds a wandering Homeless Man.]

Lovelock: David Carradine?

Starkwell: Well that’s weird.

Lovelock: Is that a “Trailer Park Boys” poster?  Awesome.

[Carradine brings Carl to see his mother.]

Lovelock: If they were going to have a guy whose mom is still alive, it might have made sense not to cast a seventy-five year old as Philip.

Starkwell: This whole scene is a perfect example of something that could have been completely cut from the movie.

[...]

[Carl gets eaten.]

Lovelock: Well, it took an hour and forty-five minutes, but we just had our first zombie attack.

[Movie ends mid-sentence.]

Starkwell: For a film that took THAT long to get going, it sure as hell ended abruptly.

[...]

A better budget, better acting, better directing, and better pacing and editing could have taken this movie to ‘Almost Zombie Hall’ status.  But then again, if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle.

Rammbock.

“Rammbock” or “Berlin Undead” is a somewhat recent German zombie film that features fast zombies and a strangely short running time, clocking in at about an hour.  Maybe this was a TV movie or something, but, thanks to Netflix, Lovelock and Starkwell get to have at it.  It’s in German, with English subtitles, so naturally Lovelock is already entering the film annoyed.

[...]

[Dude goes to find his ex and plead his case, instead finds a rabid crazy man.]

Lovelock: Wow, they’re not wasting anytime.

Starkwell: I guess with the short runtime, they have no choice.

Lovelock: I kind of already dig the main character.

[...]

The outbreak spreads very quickly, as the main character and the young repairman he is stuck in the apartment witness people in the street being eaten.  Amazing.

[...]

[Michael yells at kid, kid tells him his breath stinks.]

Starkwell: Honestly, telling someone that they have bad breath is the best way to immediately boot them right off of their high horse.

Lovelock: Dude, your breath really smells bad.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell stayed mostly quiet for a while, although they laughed for a few minutes when main character Michael slept in a bear costume, for warmth.

[...]

[Michael finds his ex, she’s already been banging some dude, he’s on the roof.]

Lovelock: The roof is probably the worst place to be when in a fit of depression.

Starkwell: I can’t believe he just left the kid behind.  DUDE!  Go get the kid.

Lovelock: Michael’s the man.  He’ll find the kid.

[Kid figures out that flashes hurt them, herds the zombies out the front gate.]

Lovelock: Alright forget Michael.  Michael sucks, the kid is the man.

[...]

The movie has a semi-depressing ending, but hey, at least the kid makes it.

White Zombie.

Although Romero’s “Night” laid the foundation of the modern day flesh eating zombie, it’s always important to know that the zombie genre as alive and well long before that.  Most agree that the zombie film started with the Bela Lugosi starring 1932 moving picture “White Zombie”.  While I know Starkwell will immediately appreciate the film for its significance, Lovelock will be a harder sell.  Hopefully Lugosi hits a homerun here.  Starkwell and Lovelock will be watching the Roan Group Archival Entertainment version.

[...]

[We meet Lugosi, we see zombies.]

Lovelock: What’s with the floating eyes?

Starkwell: They’re being watched?

Lovelock: I kind of feel like I’m being watched.  I’m freaking out already.

[...]

[Mr. Beaumont is a little touchy feely with the lady.]

Starkwell: Geez… could he make it any more obvious?

Lovelock: Lesson number one, never go to Haiti to get married at a creepy rich guy’s place, when he clearly wants to steal your bride away from you.

[...]

Why it’s the classic “witch doctor uses dead people to create an army of zombie slaves”… Starkwell and Lovelock are both enchanted by the wonderfully eerie look and feel of the zombies.

[...]

[Lugosi gives Beaumont poison so he can kill Madeline, and, I assume, turn her into a zombie.]

Starkwell: Seriously why would she have come here to get married?

[Madeline sees death in her wine glass, aka LUGOSI and his creepy fucking eyes.]

Starkwell: If I looked into a wine glass and saw that, I’d probably try and return the wine.

Lovelock: I’d go buy some more.

[She drops dead.]

Lovelock: Scratch that.  The hallucinations seem cool, but the death thing is kind of a bitter oaky aftertaste.

[...]

[Neil visits Madeline’s grave, she’s gone.]

Lovelock: Best scream ever.

[...]

[They show Beaumont’s castle on the cliff.]

Lovelock: Why are they showing a still shot of a painting?

Starkwell: Dude, this is eighty years old.  That’s supposed to be Beaumont’s castle.

Lovelock: It looks as lifeless as Madeline's eyes.

Starkwell: Snap.

Lovelock: Still... it's kind of scaring the BAJESUS out of me.

[...]

[Beaumont realizes that zombie Madeline just isn’t as charming as the live version.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never kill women and turn them into sex zombies.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.  Wait… dude, I hope to hell that’s not the only thing stopping you…

[...]

[Zombies throw dude into water.]

Lovelock: FUCK!  It looks like they really drown that actor.

Starkwell: I'm pretty sure that's how the mob used to get rid of dude's back then.

[...]

[Drunken Neil journeys up to the castle.]

Lovelock: Where did the priest go?

Starkwell: Probably went home.  That’s what I would have done in his position.

[Doors open automatically for zombie Madeline.]

Lovelock: Are we supposed to believe that zombies can open doors with their minds?  Or Beaumont was so rich that he had automatic doors in the thirties?

Starkwell: So you can accept the living dead but not automatic doors?

Lovelock: You gotta draw the line somewhere, man.

[...]

The priest ninjas in and clubs Lugosi over the head, just in time to save Neil and somehow force the zombies to walk off the edge of the cliff like lemmings. And then, Beaumont REDEEMS HIMSELF!

[...]

[Beaumont tosses Lugosi over the edge of the cliff.]

Lovelock: BEST DEATH EVER.  

Starkwell: Even though it looked hilariously fake, that’s pretty gruesome for the thirties.

Lovelock: BEST DEATH EVER.

[...]

Madeline becomes herself again, and the priest says something funny.  And then, like so many old films, it ends almost immediately and without warning.  A true classic.

Days of Darkness.

Apparently this one involves alien organisms from a comet infecting the living and turning them into zombies.  Lovelock and Starkwell don’t seem super enthusiastic.  Maybe it will surprise them and be GREAT.  Probably not.

[...]

[Comet flies through space.]

Lovelock: Holy shit, the CGI looks about as high-tech as a local furniture store commercial.

Starkwell: I was thinking mattress warehouse, but yeah, I agree.

Lovelock: OUR PRICES ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!!

[...]

[Zombie attack.]

Starkwell: This movie makes “The Asylum” movies seem high-budget.

Lovelock: At least it’s not wasting any time.

Starkwell: I disagree, I feel that it has already assured me that the whole thing will be one big waste of time.

[...]

Starkwell: Slasher and DEEJAY?  What the fuck is with their names?  Man, this movie sucks already.

Lovelock: I’m going to give it a chance.

Starkwell: Yeah good luck with that.

[Starkwell leaves.  In the distance, you can hear tires screeching and a car racing away.]

[...]

Thank goodness Starkwell left… just in time to NOT hear the character who turns out to be a porn star give the other “actor” a lecture about how many dudes have had sex in her ass.  There appears to be no likeable characters.  Even Lovelock seems annoyed at everyone.

[...]

[Steve reveals that he found a penis and balls.  It fell out of the pant leg of the zombie he was next to.]

Lovelock: And with that severed cock’n’balls closeup, I’m out.

[...]

I’m not sure if he’ll be back.  I’ll let the film continue playing, maybe he’ll come back.  There’s still like an hour left.  He just missed a close-up on the zombie’s open sore where his genitals USED TO BE.  As the characters get lamer and lamer, I am not all that confident that he’ll be back.  Ever.