Zombie Hall.

Ghost Brigade.

2012-02-27T21:00:00.036-05:00

If I told you there was a film starring Martin Sheen, Billy Bob Thornton, David Arquette, Matt LeBlanc and Corbin Bernsen, about a band of zombie soldiers during the civil war, you might think I was making it up. Well, I’m not. Starkwell and Lovelock are about to embark on a journey deep into forgotten pockets of some relatively well known actors’ careers, and I get to write down some of what they have to say about it. Welcome to 1993’s “Ghost Brigade”.

[...]

Starkwell: Full screen? That screams straight to video to me.

Lovelock: Or made for TV.

[...]

[Martin Sheen as a Union general.]

Starkwell: Man, who did he owe a favor to for this?

Lovelock: Performance – PHONED IN.

Starkwell: Isn’t that the guy from ‘Heroes’?

Lovelock: I wonder how many careers this movie started…

Starkwell: I’m actually starting to wonder how many it ended.

[...]

The plot pressed forward. It was a decent story, but when played out with this budget, costumes from a Halloween store, sets from a community theatre troupe, and this sad display of both over acting and under acting, it was clear that it was going to fall short, no matter who is in the cast. Still, Starkwell and Lovelock paid attention, laughing loudly at Corbin Bernsen’s boobies.

[...]

[Enter the zombie platoon.]

Starkwell: That is either the worst zombie makeup ever, or the lamest war paint ever.

Lovelock: Either way, I hate them.

[Billy Bob Thornton dies.]

Starkwell: Killer amount of screen time there, Billy Bob.

Lovelock: I guess he was still an up and comer.

Starkwell: I wonder how much this movie delayed him.

[...]

Then Billy Bob returns as a zombie, and recruits DAVID ARQUETTE, but too late, Arquette just blew his brains out. They agreed it was the best Arquette has ever been.

[...]

[Guy plays a Jew’s harp. We hear it for the next twenty minutes.]

Lovelock: I knew a guy who chipped his tooth on one of those.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Probably.

[...]

[Bernsen’s nephew is killed in a flashback.]

Starkwell: Twelve year old nephew? I thought that was a thirty year old woman.

Lovelock: What was the point of the drummers in the platoon anyways?

Starkwell: It seems like it was to draw enemy fire.

Lovelock: Seems like a pretty shitty job.

[...]

Then Bernsen dove into a puddle head first and came up in a mysterious cave with his zombie nephew. Starkwell and Lovelock still aren’t sure if it’s a young boy or woman, but they both agreed that his voice was awful, and had trouble listening to his incredibly long monologue. It was around this time that they both REALLY started to lose interest. Between the cheesy monologues, the out of place homosexual themes between Bernsen and 'Heroes' Guy, and the schizophrenic cuts, it was really tough to blame them.

[...]

[Colonel comes back, but HE’S ONE OF THEM!]

Starkwell: That was the most obvious twist ever.

Lovelock: Wait. It’s a trap. Get an axe.

[Colonel is set on fire.]

Starkwell: That was the least dramatic ‘Man being set on fire’ I have ever seen.

Lovelock: This movie BLOWS. Please end. Now.

[...]

Starkwell: Why is Billy Bob Thornton smiling so much?

Lovelock: Probably because this was still a step up from “Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town”.

Starkwell: Was it though? Was it?

[...]

[Bernsen is ‘stabbed’.]

Starkwell: The whole ‘sword under the armpit so it looks like you’ve been stabbed trick’?

Lovelock: Yeah… that trick didn’t even look good in Elementary school plays.

Starkwell: What the fuck kind of school plays were you involved with?

Lovelock: Ones better than this movie...

[Lovelock runs away.]

The movie ends. Hooray. Let’s just remember that, apparently, Hickenlooper was mostly known for his documentary work.

[Lovelock comes back.]

Lovelock: Wait, where was Joey Tribbiani?

Starkwell: Maybe he skipped it for his 'Friends' audition.

Lovelock: I think he made the right call.

Poultrygeist.

2012-02-25T22:55:00.057-05:00

I won’t lie, I’m not sure how to approach a Troma movie anymore. This one is an actual Lloyd Kaufman production, but that doesn’t help dilute the fear I can see in Starkwell and Lovelock’s eyes. I can’t put it off anymore. It’s Troma time.

[...]

[Opening shot of teenagers boning in cemetery.]

Starkwell: With an opening line of “You’re the best dry humper in town”, the bar has not been set very high for this movie.

Lovelock: I’m confident that they will win us back.

[...]

Lovelock goes into every Troma film thinking that it will live up to the expectations set by the box and the trailer. He honestly feels like 'this one will be the one', that it will change his life. It usually does, but never for the better.

[...]

Then zombie arms come out of the ground and grab them while they are having sex, they don’t notice. A zombie breaks its finger off in the guy’s ass, he doesn’t notice - he just thinks it's a butt plug she put in his ass. Then they show us a guy watching them and jerking off. Then a zombie shoves a fist up the Peeping Tom’s ass. The zombie arm goes through his body and comes out of his mouth, grabs the underwear that he was sniffing and pulls said underwears back through his body as his torn asshole erupts with blood, guts, poo and a pair of panties.

[Starkwell is missing...]

There was just a loose leaf paper with a note on it. "You're on your own." Lovelock seems intent on sticking it out for the remaining ninety minutes, so I will track down anything important that he says.

[...]

Lovelock: This would work better if any of the jokes were actually funny. I’m actually offended. Not by the content, but by the writing. I think someone needs to explain satire to these writers.

[...]

I could see Lovelock getting stressed out and angry at this movie. With every passing minute it seemed to get lamer and lamer. Someone needs to tell these writers that showing shocking and gross things just for the sake of doing shocking and gross things isn’t funny. Also, tell them to never make a movie again. You know when someone tries really hard to be your friend, but just ends up coming across as a phony? That's this movie. It tries so hard to be funny and edgy and "controversial", that really, it just ends up sucking. Hard. It's like the movie was made by a bunch of eighth graders... but not the regular normal eighth graders, or even the class clown, or the arty kids. This movie was made by that kid in eighth grade that thought just SAYING the word semen, or fuck, made him funny. Boy was he wrong.

[...]

Lovelock: The black manager guy Dennis is the only good part of this movie. And even so, he's not really any good.

[He never did anything else after this movie, probably because this film soured him on movies and ruined his life.]

[...]

Then we fast forwarded. A lot. Then we stopped the movie. Forever. Did I mention that there were lame musical numbers? This movie deserves the 'UNWATCHABLE' tag, but will get a mark for the special effects, which were in fact disgusting and effective. I got to stop now, just writing about this movie is hurting my brain. Fuck you, Troma. It was nice to see the movie end on the Troma car flip, though.

Garden of the Dead.

2012-02-23T20:52:00.000-05:00

So I put the fucking Troma DVD into the DVD player, and there isn’t even a menu. They force me to watch a bunch of Troma promo shit, and then it just launches into 1974’s “Garden of the Dead”. Sit back, Starkwell and Lovelock, relax, and try to find some effective ways to make fun of this thing.

[...]

[Prisoner Gang gets high off of some kind of formaldehyde vapor. The Formaldehyde Gang.]

Lovelock: I don’t know, prison doesn’t look so bad. Working outside with your buddies, getting’ high. It’s a party.

[The prison camp pretty much looks like a summer camp. Girl in super short skirt arrives.]

Lovelock: AND there are girls?!?

Starkwell: I think I’d rather not see that guy rubbing his dickprint.

[Guard lets guy out to see his girl and kiss her.]

Lovelock: Dude’s in prison and he gets the girl!?!?!

Starkwell: If this is at all representative of our prisons, then I’m thinking the guards need to be a little tougher.

[Inmates play poker and smoke and hang out.]

Lovelock: Man, best prison ever.

[Guy gets SHANKED.]

Starkwell: And that’s why, prison sucks.

Lovelock: Well, that and the showers.

[...]

The incredibly dark and poor quality of the print made it hard to figure out exactly what was going on, but basically The Formaldehyde Gang were escaping and were mostly shot dead. I think some formaldehyde was leaking into a graveyard. At some point I think Lovelock said “Fuck, turn the lights on”. Starkwell was WISHING for some solid DAY FOR NIGHT filming.

[...]

[The Formaldehyde Gang rise from their graves.]

Lovelock: That actually looked pretty cool.

Starkwell: You can see what’s going on? Man, I can’t see anything.

[...]

[The Formaldehyde Gang finds Skirt Girl… somehow.]

Lovelock: She might have the most excruciating scream I have ever heard.

Starkwell: Regardless, I think we got the point after the first five seconds.

Lovelock: The zombie makeup is better than I expected.

Starkwell: This film’s pace is exactly as I expected. Slow.

[Skirt Girl drives away from the zombie in her trailer.]

Lovelock: Escaping zombies while staying at home… the one major advantage to living in an RV.

Starkwell: Lack of proper toilet is definitely a disadvantage.

Lovelock: But it’s good training for the apocalypse.

[...]

The Formaldehyde Gang comes back to drink their beloved formaldehyde, and then move at ridiculously fast speeds in a frenzy of rage. Both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that the movie would be infinitely cooler if they could see half of what’s happening on the screen. But there an awful lot of ninja like acrobatics coming from axe wielding zombie convicts. And then the zombies start getting shot and melting or something. One jumped out a window, and there was a simultaneous “WOAH” from the peanut gallery.

[...]

Starkwell: So, what did you learn today?

Lovelock: Huffing formaldehyde and prison are not as fun as they might seem in the first twenty minutes of this film. You?

Starkwell: That I can’t get back the last hour of my life, and that lighting in a movie is important.

[...]

So there is this thin plot line that involves the zombies being hurt by light, but somehow, not all light hurts them, and moonlight doesn’t affect them. It seems like it’s just the big spotlight. Starkwell suggests that it’s some sort of psychological twist, because as escaped convicts, they do not want to be seen by the guards’ spotlight. Lovelock seemed intrigued, but then Starkwell was like “nah, I’m kidding, this movie blows”. Then the zombies get shot and THE END.

I Eat Your Skin.

2012-02-20T11:05:00.037-05:00

Although Del Tenney wrote, directed, produced and completed the film sometime in 1964, this film wasn’t actually released until about 1971. Its original title was “Zombie”, but was changed to “I Eat Your Skin” because it was tagged onto the release of “I Drink Your Blood” for a whoppingly poor double feature. Delaying it by six or so years, completely changing the name, and combining it with an unrelated film, should be an indicator of what the studio thought of this movie. Imagine what the audience thought. Let’s see what Lovelock and Starkwell will think.

[...]

[Girl stripped to bra and panties, performs interpretive voodoo dance.]

Starkwell: It’s gonna be a long night.

[Enter a goat.]

Lovelock: I think the night is about to get a lot shorter for that goat.

[...]

[Novelist is surrounded by groupies.]

Lovelock: In the sixties, the novelist was king.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: No, I think it was the Beatles and other rock stars, this movie is dumb.

[...]

[Agent wants Novelist to go to Voodoo Island.]

Starkwell: Why would anyone ever go to a place called Voodoo Island?

Lovelock: Apparently because there are loads of virgin girls there.

Starkwell: He’s supposed to be the hero?

[...]

[Coral yells at her husband, the agent.]

Starkwell: If that’s her actual voice, I think she should have been dragged out back and shot a long time ago.

Lovelock: “What’s the explanaaAAAaaaation??!?!?”

Starkwell: “Would you bring me a banaaaAAana or something?”

Lovelock: “Get a load of tubbo.”

[...]

We actually started to see zombies in the film earlier than Lovelock or Starkwell had expected.

[...]

[Bug-Eyed zombie walks through trees.]

Lovelock: So many branches hitting his face!

Starkwell: Those poor actors probably couldn’t see with all that shit on their eyes.

[...]

They can’t tell if Coral is supposed to be here for comic relief. All they know is that they hate her.

[...]

[Novelist sneaks up behind girl playing piano, sits on chair smokes cigarette and starts clapping.]

Starkwell: So creepy.

Lovelock: And yet, his rapist charm is working on her … ??

Starkwell: Who lets a creepy guy they just met mix a drink for them?

Lovelock: Most likely, girls that turn up dead later.

Starkwell: Were all women in the sixties as loose as this movie portrays them?

Lovelock: Maybe in Del Tenney’s dreams.

[...]

Lovelock: There is a distinct lack of skin eating for a movie that claims it will eat mine.

[...]

Starkwell: I love that they have the characters say “LOOK AT THAT MOON”, so that we know that it’s supposed to be the night time. Since it clearly is shot in the middle of the day.

[...]

Lovelock: This movie should have been renamed “I Bore Your Brain”

Starkwell: Not bad…

Lovelock: “I Lose Your Interest”?

Starkwell: Better…

Lovelock: “I Waste Your Time”.

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[...]

Lovelock: Well at least the dance ceremony is incredibly long.

[Sarcasm… I hope.]

[...]

[Zombies kidnap girls.]

Starkwell: Well I guess they gave up on finding virgins if they settled on those two tramps.

Lovelock: Are those zombies, or people with mud masks and cucumbers on their eyes?

[...]

[Dance ceremony.]

Lovelock: Again?

Starkwell: That is totally the same footage as the last time.

[...]

Lovleock: Why would you equip a computer with a huge flashing DANGER sign? … it’s like you’re asking for danger. You’re literally assuming danger will happen enough to warrant making half of the computer a flashing DANGER sign. That’s just bad design.

[...]

After a predictable twist and an escape from the island sequence, the movie ended and Starkwell and Lovelock both immediately said that they already forgot what the movie was about. I’m pretty sure that isn’t a stamp of approval. There was a sweet shot of a native island guy being shot with a flare gun and flying off the back of a speeding boat. It wasn’t worth sitting through seventy-five minutes to get to it, but I’m pretty sure the stunt man probably drowned during filming.

[...]

Lovelock: Still, I kind of wish I was a novelist in the sixties…

Nightmare City.

2012-02-13T13:30:00.054-05:00

Italian cult director Umberto Lenzi dove head first into the zombie exploitation genre with his explosively insane 1980 explosion, “Nightmare City”. He didn’t care about zombie rules. He didn’t care about good taste. He didn’t even really care about logic or sense. Let’s see what Starkwell and Lovelock have to say about this epic and infamous venture into ridiculousness. EXPLOSION. The DVD from Blue Underground looks spectacular, by the way.

[...]

[Plane full of zombies lands on runway, they raise hell.]

Starkwell: Which one of the zombies was flying the plane… and landing it?

Lovelock: Probably the Queen zombie. In these situations, it’s best not to ask too many questions.

[...]

The whole thing is filmed almost like a slapstick comedy. Whether or not it was intentional will probably forever remain a mystery. Either way, Starkwell and Lovelock’s explosive laughter indicate that it doesn’t matter. The laughter went on. And on. And on. This is what I was able to understand, through the thick laughter and tears. I am not kidding… TEARS.

[...]

Starkwell: Is that a zombie or a guy with mud on his head?

[...]

Lovelock: How come some of them are eating people and others are basically ninjas?

[...]

Starkwell: Is that guy holding a mop?

Lovelock: Nice ‘no arm’ makeup.

[...]

Lovelock: Machine Gun Zombie is so calm compared to the rest. Woah, Mud Face returns!

[...]

I know there were more awesome jokes in the mix, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying. Also, I was laughing pretty hard too. Then it cut to a dance show being filmed in the television studio, and I swear I thought Lovelock was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

[...]

Starkwell: Why are the camera men wearing lab coats?

[Reporter Guy cuts Dance Show to deliver NEWS FLASH. It’s the worst looking news set in the history of sets. News Chief cuts his broadcast.]

Starkwell: Why is he so pissed off? How many people would have been watching that shitty dance program?

Lovelock: Italy in the early eightes? Probably a lot.

[...]

[Zombies arrive at Dance Studio.]

Starkwell: Why is it in slow motion?

Lovelock: Because it’s so fast paced, you just might miss something otherwise.

Starkwell: Well, I wish I hadn’t seen that zombie cut off that woman’s breast and eat it.

Lovelock: You don’t get to choose what you see. Umberto is in control. Give in.

[...]

None of the film makes sense. Some of the highlights from the next thirty minutes of laughter were as follows.

[...]

Starkwell: Why would the colonel introduce himself by name like that, to his fellow officers?

Lovelock: It’s so that we, the viewers, know who he is.

[...]

Starkwell: Given how many zombie ‘rules’ it throws out the window, it really is sticking to the “destroy the brain” theory.

Lovelock: Umberto doesn’t care about rules.

Starkwell: I don’t think Umberto cared much about the audience either.

[...]

Lovelock: Good thing the zombies knew how to cut their telephone line. And somehow knew they were on the phone. And for some reason needed to cut the telephone line.

Starkwell: I can’t tell if they’re zombies or some kind of terrorist group wearing mud for camouflage.

Lovelock: If they are worried about camouflage then that baby blue leisure suit is a poor choice.

Starkwell: It worked well at the dance studio.

[...]

The action, for the most part, is pretty relentless. No one is safe. Especially not Starkwell or Lovelock.

[...]

Starkwell: Luckily for the main character’s wife, the zombies, when pursuing her, are incredibly slow and decide not to use machine guns or swords.

Lovelock: The zombie speeds are inconsistent, much like the amount of mud they have on their faces.

Starkwell: Did the doctor just hit a zombie with a plastic water bottle? It didn’t look like the stunt man even knew he was hit. And how come the surgeon can throw the scalpel with such accuracy?

Lovelock: Surgeons used to often double as circus performers, or, professional dartsmen… dartists… dart throwers… whatever that would be.

Starkwell: Why would the zombie expose that woman’s boobs before hitting her with… was that a baseball bat?

Lovelock: Did you see the size of those things? I’m surprised they didn’t fall out sooner, or explode on impact.

[...]

The conversation continued like this for a little while longer. Starkwell and Lovelock kept on having to rewind just so they could make jokes about everything that was happening on screen. I believe Lovelock was the one that exclaimed that “the hospital KILL montage was the best montage of the movie so far”. I couldn’t keep up with them, let alone the frantic action happening within the film. I think it was Starkwell that said, at one point, quite matter of factly that, “this might be the highest body count I have ever seen in a movie.”

[...]

Lovelock: HARPOONED!

[...]

Lovelock: Eyeball gag!

Starkwell: And bare-chested woman booby kill… again.

Lovelock: It’s kind of souring me on nipples.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well… no. But, definitely soured on that girl’s nipples.

[...]

[Reporter’s wife starts freaking out and he slaps her to ‘snap her out of it’.]

Lovelock: You really don’t see that much any more.

Starkwell: In film or in real life?

Lovelock: Shit, both, I hope.

[...]

Lovelock: Is that a field full of zombies or a flash mob?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: A field full of zombies or a disorganized rugby game?

Starkwell: One more time.

Lovelock: Disorganized children's soccer game?

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[...]

[Reporter bashes Zombie Priest’s head.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go to church.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

Then the Reporter and wife end up AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK, where they are eventually rescued by a helicopter. But then, Wife slips and falls and dies. The shot of her falling is, for lack of a better word, ridiculous. It has never been more obvious ever, in any movie ever, that it was a dummy falling, and not an actual person. Not ever. The lack of a face and the terrible wig really gave it away in this case. Also that the arm fell off. But then… Reporter wakes up, and it was all just a horrible dream.

[...]

[Reporter goes to the airport to interview a Nuclear Scientist guy.]

Starkwell: This all looks strangely familiar…

Lovelock: Was it a dream… or a PREMONITION!?!?!?!

Starkwell: Is the movie starting over?

Lovelock: Man, I hope that in the theatres they ran a director’s cut that just ran forever.

Starkwell: Yeah, like a social experiment, to see how long people would last.

Lovelock: I think I could do a day or two.

[...]

THE NIGHTMARE BECOMES A REALITY…

[...]

Sometimes movies are so bad that they are good. But on rare occasions, such as with this cinematic gem, films are so unbelievably bad, that they are elevated to a level of mischievous fun far beyond the scope of comprehension. This many wrongs couldn’t possibly make a right, could they? I can’t even tell you why Starkwell and Lovelock liked this movie so much. To be honest, I don’t even think that they could tell you. People believe in God without having proof of its existence, and I guess Starkwell in Lovelock believe in the sheer brilliance of this movie, even without the proof of its existence.

Slither.

2012-02-10T20:45:00.036-05:00

After penning a successful remake of “Dawn of the Dead”, James Gunn went on to write and direct a horror movie that, while it incorporates zombies in the mix, is more of an alien invasion story, a la “Night of the Creeps”. I assume that “Creeps” was an influence on the film, since it goes for that same vintage feel. Released to mixed reviews, let’s see how it mixes in the shaky hands of Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

[Hot blonde teacher married to creepy older dude, and he’s all creepy.]

Lovelock: See, that’s why I don’t marry men just for money.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. Wait what… ???

Lovelock: I didn’t mean that like it sounded.

Starkwell: I don’t know, I think, like the main character just said, if you had a ‘gina, you’d marry him.

[...]

The story pressed forward and as we are introduced to a multitude of characters. The dialogue and level of acting are well above average for this type of film.

[...]

[Creepy Possessed by Alien Slug Guy buys a shitload of meat at the grocery store.]

Starkwell: That shot is oddly reminiscent of “Messiah of Evil”.

Lovelock: I think James Gunn really likes movies.

[...]

[Sketchy white trash girl is watching ‘Toxic Avenger’.]

Starkwell: Now why would a random single mother, in a trailer park, be watching a Troma movie?

Lovelock: I think James Gunn really likes movies.

[...]

While the townfolk were gettin’ drunk ‘n celebratin’ the start of ol’ deer hunting season, Grant was off shovin’ his new alien tentacles into Trailer Trash Girl and pumped her full of his alien slugs. It was gross, but Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t seem to mind. Especially since our hero Bill declared his hatred for hunting in general, and got to dance with Starla. “That guy’s alright” declared Lovelock. But then the Impregnated Trailer Trash Girl started eating hunks of raw meat, and Starkwell added, “seriously though, this is starting to get a little gross.” Then the action picked up and Lovelock was all "SHUT UP! But also, when are we going to see some zombies?”

[...]

[Weekend Warriors hunt Grant, who is now a slimy mess of tentacles and teeth.]

Starkwell: I’m not sure what’s more disgusting, the way Grant looks, or that the old guy said “Looks like something that fell off my dick.”

Lovelock: Let’s call it a tie, a really disgusting tie.

[Trailer Trash Girl has swollen to the size of a hot air balloon, and explodes into a bajillion alien slugs.]

Starkwell: We have our winner.

[...]

[Girl puts headphones on in tub, as slugs surround the tub.]

Lovelock: What ever happened to mini disc players?

Starkwell: Pawn shops. Or, land fills, mostly.

[Slug takes a hold of her brain, and she sees into the collective intelligence of the alien species.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: I bet the aliens were smart enough to jump straight from CD to MP3 players.

Starkwell: ... ?

[...]

As the people that died from SLUG IN THE MOUTH started reviving as flesh eating zombies, and the action picked up times a million, Lovelock leaped up from the couch and started doing roundhouse kicks all in the air while Starkwell sat and praised the witty banter between the characters. It was a weird sight.

[...]

[Weird zombies merge into tentacle creature Grant and form some sort of super blob.]

Starkwell: So fucking gross.

Lovelock: Seriously, it’s all “Kaneda... HELP MEEEEEEEEEE...” Except real.

[...]

Pod people, weird reptilian creature shit, zombies, the blob, coming of age story, good dialogue, solid acting and great effects make for one big pot of AWESOME. Starkwell and Lovelock just started the movie over again and I think I’ll just watch this time instead of writing down what they say.

Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.

2012-02-07T20:45:00.036-05:00

The year was 1980, and with every Italian director under the sun putting out their own zombie splatterfest, seasoned pornographer Joe D’Amato decided to take it up a notch with his “Sexy Nights of the Living Dead”, and include hardcore sex scenes in it. As we all know, when most people think rotting flesh and cannibalism, they think EROTIC AND SEXY. This one will be a challenge.

[...]

[Funky music plays while creepy guy wanders through asylum, following nurse. He finds her banging a dude, and then starts furiously jerking off.]

Starkwell: I’m giving this movie five minutes before I walk.

Lovelock: Hey, at least they haven’t shown penis yet.

Starkwell: When the best part of a movie is that it hasn't shown me a penis, it's time for a new movie.

[...]

Then two floozies went into a shower with a dude and his floppy dong and once it was clear that D’Amato was going to focus a lot of screen time on this floppy ol' dong, Starkwell left and assured us that he would not return. As he was leaving, a guy was eaten by a zombie. I think Lovelock asked him to reconsider, but Starkwell said something along the lines of “I can’t do it… dude, I just can’t do it.”

[...]

Lovelock: They focus on the zombie for five seconds, but then we have look at this guy’s fucking taint for ten minutes? Jesus, are those warts? I’m gonna be sick.

[...]

Lovelock left to go vomit up the feta cheese he was eating, but he said he would be back. I told him to take his time, since it looks like we are heading towards several more sexual interludes, at least one involving Moustachio McWarty Taint.

[...]

Somewhere just past the thirty minute mark, Lovelock talked a little about how nothing at all was happening, and that so far the movie could have been edited down to about thirty seconds. Then a girl popped a champagne bottle open with her vagina and he had to leave to throw up again.

[...]

[Moustachio McWarty Taint tells girl that he wants to screw again, she says “Not again”.]

Lovelock: Shit, I know exactly how she feels.

[...]

There were frequent random shots of a cat, that seemed to be living in the Captain’s mind, and it really freaked him out. Lovelock couldn’t resist the urge to say “They sure do show a lot of pussy in this movie.” He said it right before a lesbian scene, which made it hit home that much harder. Then the DVD started skipping, and Lovelock said if it stops, he’ll take it as a sign from above that he shouldn’t have to finish this awful film.

[...]

Lovelock: Forget “Sexy Nights of the Living Dead”… It should be called “Non-Sexy Nights of Moustachio McWarty Taint’s Dirty Balls”. It’s been over an hour, we’ve only seen two zombies. We've seen as many testicles as we have zombies. I should never be able to say that about a movie.

[...]

At one point some things, let’s call them zombies, emerged from the jungle, and the Captain scared them off with a stone that looks like it came from a hotel gift shop. With about twenty minutes left in the movie, we finally start seeing some zombies, also, an awesome CAT ATTACK!

[...]

[Zombie is stabbed, creamy brown liquid comes out.]

Lovelock: In Italy, zombies have café latte for blood.

[...]

[Moustachio’s dong is bitten off by evil spirit girl.]

Lovelock: Well, at least we won’t have to see it anymore.

[...]

Lovelock fell asleep during an INFINITY long sequence of people rising from graves and slowly walking after our characters. He woke up screaming saying something like “THE BALLS ARE COMING.” But then he realized the film was over and was overwhelmed with relief. Half of the movie was basically a bad porno, half of it was a bad zombie movie. Unfortunately for Lovelock, when you put those two halves together you get an awful fucking movie. One of the worst ever.

Zombieland.

2012-02-04T20:30:00.019-05:00

Comedic zombie movies started a very long time ago. Movies like “Zombies on Broadway” eventually made way for bizarre '70s comedies, and eventually over-the-top fare like “Return of the Living Dead” through the '80s and '90s. It takes something truly special to stand out in today’s saturated zombie market, and few zombie comedies have really pulled it off in the last decade or so. “Zombieland” is one of the more recent successes in the field of hilarious zombie films, by most peoples' standards. I’m curious to see what Starkwell and Lovelock will have to say.

[...]

[Some rules are introduced.]

Starkwell: I could see that with the fast zombies, it wouldn’t take very long for the world to go to hell.

Lovelock: As evidenced by what you see on the screen.

Starkwell: Slow zombies create much harder and tougher people, because more people survive for longer.

Lovelock: Please don’t ruin this with your IDEAS.

[...]

For a while, the two didn’t say much. Starkwell would start talking about preferring slow zombies, and Lovelock would tell him to stop being an asshole. Slow or fast, Starkwell couldn’t help but revel in the great dialogue and top-notch acting.

[...]

[Girls con the dudes.]

Starkwell: Nice con job, but what if Tallahassee had just blown her brains out right away?

Lovelock: I guess that was a risk they were willing to take…

Starkwell: Well that’s dumb.

[...]

I’ll be honest with you. I stopped keeping track of anything they were saying, I was too into the movie. I’ve said it before, and I will keep saying it. A good zombie movie has nothing to do with zombies. It has nothing to do with gore, action or anything dumb like that. Character. Characters that you can relate to, root for, and like. That’s what sets the good from the bad. Don’t get me wrong, the film has action, but the characters and their development are front and center. And that is how it supposed to be.

[...]

[Columbus shoots Bill Murray.]

Starkwell: Fuck, why did they have to kill him?

Lovelock: I think if they had kept him alive it would have been the best movie of all time.

Starkwell: That is hands down the best cameo I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: Best “As Himself” role I’ve ever seen.

Starkwell: Yeah, forget NPH.

[...]

[Columbus rides motorcycle into bushes.]

Starkwell: That gag never gets old.

Lovelock: Best one ever is in “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure”.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[...]

[Happy ending.]

Starkwell: The purist in me wants the ending to be depressing, but I can’t help but be so happy that it wasn’t.

Lovelock: I’m in love.

Starkwell: With this movie?

Lovelock: Oh… I meant with Emma Stone… but yeah with this movie.

[...]

Starkwell is a purist, but he is willing to forgive fast zombies. They are both in agreement. This movie is an absolute gem.

Zombie Nightmare.

2012-02-01T18:55:00.002-05:00

"Zombie Nightmare" is infamously terrible. A rocking soundtrack, Adam West, Jon Mikl Thor, and to top it all off, I recently learned it was filmed around where Starkwell and Lovelock grew up, in the West Island of Montreal. No more waiting. Let’s rock. Oh yeah, randomly, Tia Carrere is in it.

[...]

[Fat Dude fights street toughs.]

Starkwell: Is he supposed to be married to that old bag, or is that his mother?

Lovelock: How did he instantly bleed from the mouth like that?

Starkwell: Maybe he had a jelly donut in his mouth.

[...]

[Thor prevents a robbery.]

Starkwell: Why would he wear a tanktop that doesn’t cover his nipples?

Lovelock: Maybe he is about to run a marathon and wants to prevent nipple chafe.

Starkwell: I wonder if he’s ever been mistaken for a woman with that hair and those hooters.

[...]

[Thor is hit by car.]

Starkwell: How did he move from the sidewalk to the street like that?

Lovelock: Probably the same way that those two guys managed to wear the same outfit.

Starkwell: Seriously, what’s with the denim? What are they in prison?

[...]

And only a few minutes later, Starkwell cried out “I’M BOOOOORED”. Lovelock shushed him and told him that he was sure that Thor wouldn’t let us down. Failing that, I reminded them both that it’s a short movie. They both laughed hysterically when the Haitian Priestess had her big scene. “Nice voice”, said the pair.

[...]

[Thor is revived.]

Starkwell: They cut his hair after he died?

Lovelock: TAKE HIS LIFE, BUT DON’T TAKE HIS HAIR!

[...]

[Two of the punks playing tennis.]

Starkwell: Rebel punks by night… Tennis players by day?

Lovelock: Holy shit! I know that place. That’s where my old gym was!

Starkwell: Did Thor kill people at your gym?

Lovelock: Sadly no.

[...]

Starkwell: If I was Tia Carrere, I’d be pretty embarrassed.

Lovelock: If I was Tia Carrere, I’d be FUCKING PUMPED.

[...]

[Adam West as a police Captain.]

Lovelock: Batman has a moustache!

Starkwell: Didn’t help his acting career.

Lovelock: Well, by the mid-eighties that type of moustache was reserved for porn stars. Mostly the gay ones.

[...]

[Punk tries to rape girl in garbage pile.]

Starkwell: The garbage bags outside of an ice cream place can’t possibly smell very erotic.

Lovelock: I’m surprised that they can just leave the bags out like that. What about racoons?

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock talked for several minutes about how much of a dick the detective is. And how annoying the coroner’s voice is. And how much they wish Thor would hurry the fuck up and end this thing.

[...]

Starkwell: Why did they bother showing Thor as a kid witnessing his dad’s murder?

Lovelock: Because that’s how the hero was born.

Starkwell: No… voodoo witch made him.

Lovelock: No. It was his Dad’s death. Just like Batman.

Starkwell: It’s not like Batman at all.

Lovelock: That’s probably why they got Adam West, since this is basically a remake of Batman.

Starkwell: There are many levels of wrong in your statement.

Lovelock: Fucking Hollywood, and all these remakes.

Starkwell: This is the eighties... in Canada... and it's not a remake!

Lovelock: Same Bat time, same Bat Channel...

[...]

[Thor smashes guy’s head on car.]

Starkwell: You could clearly see him spitting blood at the car before his head hit.

Lovelock: Maybe he ate the same jelly donut that the fat guy at the beginning ate.

[...]

[It turns out Adam West killed Thor’s father. And the near rape girl was actually the witch!]

Starkwell: Well I’ll be damned. They brought it all around full circle.

Lovelock: See, now aren’t you glad you stayed all the way until the end.

Starkwell: Not particularly.

[...]

Then an impressive looking zombie flew out of the ground and killed Captain West. It almost saved the whole film. As the movie came to a close, Starkwell and Lovelock were partially homesick after seeing all those snippets of where they grew up. But mostly, they were just regularsick, from having seen such a terrible movie.

I Am Omega.

2012-01-30T19:25:00.033-05:00

There are a handful of mockbuster production companies out there, but arguably the current king is ‘The Asylum’. “Da Vinci Code” becomes “Da Vinci Treasure”, “Tranformers” turn “Transmorphers”, hell even “Battle: Los Angeles” becomes “Battle of Los Angeles”. The whole point is to trick the casual movie renter into thinking that they are renting the ACTUAL blockbuster, when in fact, they are getting the mockbuster. I know a few people that ended up with the wrong ‘Sherlock Holmes’. Netflix doesn’t help much. So here is “I Am Omega”, their take on “I Am Legend” with a dash of the Heston adaptation of Matheson’s book “Omega Man” thrown in for good measure. Get ready for the shit show boys.

[...]

[Dream sequence flashback of an ugly kid with a Mop Top witnessing his mom die a zombie death and then being grabbed… it is unclear if the child is his own, or if it is him as a child. A later flashback shows that it was his son.]

Lovelock: Oh thank goodness it was just a dream… or waiiiiiit it was a flashback dream!

Starkwell: Is that the guy from “Iron Chef America”?

Lovelock: I’m starting to think he’s not really the Chairman’s Nephew. Plus, he speaks English just fine!

Starkwell: If he had any actual cooking skills Iron Chef style, it would come in handy in a post-apocalyptic society.

Lovelock: If he’s trying too look like a bad ass, the fluffy robe and socks were a poor choice.

[...]

[Training montage.]

Starkwell: Who would fight zombies with a bo-staff and/or nunchuks?

Lovelock: Donatello and Michaelangelo?

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: The Chairman’s Nephew?

Starkwell: Yeah… The secret ingredient is bullshit.

[...]

After the laughter died down from the Chairman’s Nephew’s pristine roundhouse air kicks, Starkwell and Lovelock got bored. Real bored. And no amount of guys in rubber zombie suits would be able to change that. Every now and then it fades to black like it’s going to cut to commercials. Lovelock says “I could go for a commercial right about now”.

[...]

Lovelock: “I Am Omega”? More like “I Am Often Out of Focus”.

Starkwell: Not bad.

Lovelock: More like “I Am Bored”?

Starkwell: Better.

Lovelock: “I Am Taking Forever to Go Anywhere”?

Starkwell: Yeah, I think that’s the one.

[...]

The film oozed onwards, and it wasn’t so bad, I suppose. But then he meets up with this girl, and it gets worse and worse and worse. Then there are the token ‘redneck assholes’ and it gets worse and worse and worse. It’s definitely not a total rip-off of any of the Matheson adaptations… nor is it original or any good at all. If ever there is such a thing as a cookie cutter post-apocalyptic zombie story starring one guy, this is it, and it sucks.

[...]

[Chairman’s Nephew whips out nunchuks.]

Lovelock: Michaelangelo is a party dude…

Starkwell: … ? …

Lovelock: PARTAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

[...]

[Chairman’s Nephew uses large pipe like bo-staff.]

Starkwell: Well I’ll be damned, he used both.

Lovelock: Donatello does machines.

[...]

The film wraps up, the city explodes, and Chairman’s Nephew gets the girl. Hooray? Hardly.

[...]

Lovelock: A LA CUISINE!

Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead.

2012-01-27T10:15:00.026-05:00

In an effort to keep Starkwell and Lovelock on their toes, I have decided to challenge them with what promises to be a ridiculously awful film, Japan’s 2007 entry “Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead”. I think the title tells us what sort of crap they are in for.

[...]

[Girl swimming in pool, feels a presence, like a zombie or something.]

Lovelock: Surprisingly, she seems to swim competently.

Starkwell: Considering how early we still are in this movie, there have been an alarmingly large number of upskirt shots, and close-ups on schoolgirls in bathing suits.

[...]

[Coach beats on girls.]

Starkwell: Thanks heavens my swim coach never walked around in a speedo like that.

Lovelock: Or beat on me.

[...]

Somewhere in between all the boobies and bumbums and girls walking around everywhere in bathing suits, most of the school starts simultaneously turning into ultra violent zombies. There’s a lot of blood and flying body parts, but as Starkwell said, it looks like everything “could have come from Spencers Gifts”. Nonetheless, Lovelock admitted that he was “grossed out”. But that could have been because he was eating Greek yogurt at the time.

[...]

[Professor Zombie juggles, spits fire, does acrobatics, throws ninja stars.]

Starkwell: Why would a high school teacher be able to do all those circus tricks?

Lovelock: In Japan, the teachers are often trained in the circus arts.

Starkwell: You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you?

Lovelock: No, none. But I bet I had you for a second.

Starkwell: You had me for exactly no seconds.

[...]

[Training montage of Ultra Booby Girl.]

Starkwell: This is quite possibly the worst montage that I have ever seen. WORST PUSHUPS EVER.

Lovelock: It’s hard with those enormous implants weighing her down.

[...]

[Girls strip to compare birthmarks.]

Starkwell: How convenient that the marks are on the boob.

Lovelock: She probably paid a lot for them knockers. She probably wants to show them off. Awww… Isn’t that adorable. Now they’re kissing each other near the birthmark.

[Starkwell abruptly leaves during the hardcore lesbian scene.]

Lovelock: Euuuuuuhhh… call me when it gets good.

[Lovelock also leaves when he becomes increasingly uncomfortable.]

[...]

You know what? I never called him back into the room. I almost called him back in to laugh at the fact that after the lesbian love scene, one of the two girls randomly had a classical guitar, in the kitchen, and started to play it. But no, this movie is a real piece of shit, and it only got worse after they left, full of nonsensical plot devices, twists, turns, flutes with supersex powers and, of course, vagina lasers. As a swimmer, I’m offended. As a zombie film enthusiast, I’m simply horrified.

[...]

Lovelock: I need to get me one of them flutes.

The Man With Two Lives.

2012-01-24T18:45:00.022-05:00

If not for box sets that combine a whole ton of random old movies, some films would likely be forgotten forever. In some cases, the film is probably best left forgotten, but at times, long lost gems are unearthed. Anyways, let’s let Allen Starkwell and Lionel Lovelock see if this moving picture from the forties is a gem or a dud. The good news is, if it’s a dud, it’s only about an hour long.

[...]

[GRAINY OPENING CREDITS.]

Starkwell: I feel a little sea sick.

Lovelock: Life in the forties was shakier, full of motion sickness and scratches.

Starkwell: That didn’t make any sense.

Lovelock: Didn’t it?

Starkwell: No. No, it didn’t.

[...]

[Engagement party.]

Lovelock: Am I crazy, or is this the worst party ever?

Starkwell: You’re not crazy. Half of these people look like they want to kill themselves.

Lovelock: Yeah, and the other half already look dead. From boredom.

Starkwell: I know how they feel.

[...]

They began to doze off, but then there was a surprisingly high speed car crash killing Philip, the groom-to-be, and they woke up laughing and commenting about the dangers of fiddling with radio knobs while driving towards a truck really fast. Then Philip is brought back to life in the lamest mad scientist resurrection scene ever filmed. Lovelock lost all hope. Starkwell kept hoping for some social commentary to creep in.

[...]

[Philip has amnesia.]

Lovelock: Apparently in the forties, the undead were basically the same as they were before death, except they don’t remember much, and are quite grouchy.

Starkwell: Sounds more like an alcoholic. And now he is at the bar – drinking. Maybe the film is trying to comment on alcoholism, and how it can affect the people around you.

Lovelock: Well, it’s a considerably less severe side effect then eating people. And a lot less fun to watch.

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: That’s why I never drink.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why… wait… you do drink.

Lovelock: Yeah but not like people in the nineteen forties.

[...]

Then Philip started hanging out with bad dudes, and shooting people, and hitting on loose women. It’s like he has TWO LIVES. Starkwell liked the idea enough, and assumes that Philip is just downward spiralling into the pit of alcoholism, saying “I assume all of this is because of cursed alcohol. In fact, he was probably drunk while driving the night that he crashed.” Lovelock just said something about how much this all sucks.

[...]

[Philip chokes woman.]

Lovelock: Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta choke a bitch?

Starkwell: I love that as she is being choked she says, quite matter of factly, “your hands are on my neck, you’re choking me.”

Lovelock: Well how else would we know what is happening, since the director decided to pan over to the desk?

[...]

Then there was a lengthy discussion between the three oldest actors ever involving the soul, and the transmigration of the soul that put Lovelock to sleep. Sometime after watching a shootout between Philip and to coppers, Starkwell turned to sleeping Lovelock and woke him up by shouting “SOUL TRANSMIGRATION” in is face. Lovelock did not find it very funny. Then the old fogies discovered that the Panini Serial Killer guy was executed on the night that they revived Philip. And they all look at each other and thought SOUL TRANSMIGRATION. Then Philip killed some people, and one of the old guys kills Philip.

[...]

[PHILIP WAKES UP IN BED AND IT WAS ALL JUST A TERRIBLE DREAM.]

Starkwell: Wait… there was no transmigration of the soul?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

Starkwell: Is he an alcoholic?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

Starkwell: So there's no actual re-animated corpse?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

[...]

Then it abruptly said THE END for a half a second and the DVD stops. Lovelock let out a small but meaningful scream and Starkwell just sat there wondering what the point was. Answer: There was none.

Blue Sunshine.

2012-01-21T09:00:00.030-05:00

Writer-Director Jeff Lieberman put out a few films over the years, one of which was the often overlooked 1973 film “Blue Sunshine”. Although not traditionally considered a zombie film, I stick this one into the underrated ‘zombieless zombie movie’ category, with movies like Romero’s “The Crazies” or Rollin’s “Les Raisins de la Mort”. As I hit play on the DVD, it opens with a message from the British Board of Film Censors, telling us that this picture is rated ‘X’. Hopefully for EXTREME.

[...]

[Wendy sees her ex husband on TV.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never date public figures.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Oh snap, her hair is falling out!

[...]

[Creepy husband stares down wife, parrot lands on his shoulder.]

Starkwell: And… cut to shot of the moon?

Lovelock: Starkwell, I’m scared.

[...]

[Dude sings at party. Someone rips off the wig that he was apparently wearing.]

Starkwell: The eye close-ups are terrifying.

Lovelock: All his hair falls off, he goes running into the woods, and no one wants to go looking for him? With friends like these who needs friends.

[Baldy Crazy beats up the girls and sets one on fire and throws her into the fireplace.]

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: … with friends like that who needs friends indeed.

[...]

As the main character gets framed for the murders, Starkwell is already praising the acting, the writing, the directing, the soundtrack… the whole damn thing. Lovelock told him to shut up and watch.

[...]

[Wendy finds a shitload of hair in her drain.]

Starkwell: GROSS!

Lovelock: SHE’S TURNING!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[...]

Main character Zipkin goes all Nancy Drew / Psychic / AWESOME trying to get to the bottom of this whole bald crazy people thing. Starkwell and Lovelock were pretty much quietly playing air guitar while watching. As the story continued to unfold, an Zipkin tried to find the meaning of “Blue Sunshine”, they decided that if they started a band, it would be called “Blue Sunshine”.

[...]

[Car chase, Zipkin drives a Bronco up an insanely steep hill.]

Lovelock: That hill was like ninety degrees.

Starkwell: How the hell did they do that?

Lovelock: That's why I drive a Bronco.

Starkwell: Yeah, that's why. Wait. You don't drive a Bronco.

Lovelock: Not that you know about.

[...]

Zipkin figured out that 'Blue Sunshine' was the name of some acid that all the bald crazies took ten years before when they all went to Stanford together and is now turning them into homicidal maniacs and Starkwell and Lovelock’s minds exploded. Full exploded. Kaboom.

[...]

[Bald Crazy beats up people on the dance floor.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never go to dance clubs.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and because one time they didn't let me in with cargo pants on.

[...]

[Zipkin chases crazy Baldy through a department store.]

Lovelock: All the mannequins are bald! He’s screwed.

Starkwell: This movie is genius.

[...]

The movie ends with some info flashed on the screen that makes it seem like this was all true. Before Starkwell had time to explain to Lovelock that this was just part of the film, Lovelock promptly shit his pants. Fantastic film.

Flight of the Living Dead.

2012-01-18T20:15:00.043-05:00

Some movies are obviously made to try and cash in on growing trends and make a quick buck. Think of all the vampire caca currently coming out of the woodwork. Well somewhere midway through the last decade, the popularity of the zombie took off (and is currently cruising around a million feet, for better or for worse). Well, this “Flight” film actually tried to cash in on two trends at the time. The increase in zombie interest and the smash unexpected success of a movie about snakes on a plane, called, well, “Snakes on a Plane.” “Outbreak on a Plane”? For Pete’s sake… Thankfully this plane trend never really took off otherwise we’d have werewolves on a plane, maybe witches on a plane, and especially right now, vampires on a plane. Although I’m not quite sure how they would protect themselves from the sun. I should mention that this was another DVD I got at a bargain bin place in Quebec, so, it’s badly dubbed in French, with no English audio option.

[...]

[Three flight attendants talk about partying and like, dudes.]

Starkwell: What airline would have three flight attendants that look that good?

Lovelock: Airlines in a film.

[...]

[Some sort of military guy in HASMAT gear watches a bin of some kind.]

Starkwell: What airline would have military experiments on board a regular passenger flight?

Lovelock: Airlines in this film.

[...]

The film seems to have a decent budget with semi-recognizable faces. But Starkwell is having a lot of trouble getting past the incredibly predictable passenger list. I believe at one point he said “of course there’s a convict handcuffed to a US Marshal.” Lovelock shouted “that dude was in ‘No Escape’!” Then they stopped watching for a while because they started talking about “Con Air” for some reason and imitating Cage’s HORRENDOUS southern accent from said film.

[...]

[Tiger Woods guy is in first class, wife complains about hearing about golf.]

Starkwell: If she doesn’t want to hear about golf, why would she marry a pro golfer.

Lovelock: Man, I can’t wait for her to be dead.

Starkwell: How did he get that golf club through security?

[...]

Then they went back to doing bad Nicolas Cage impersonations. Oh also, there’s a Japanese businessman on board. And a nun. And horny teenagers. And ROGUE PENTAGON SCIENTISTS. But at least, as Lovelock said, “they don’t waste any time ‘cause I suspect the zombies is comin’!” Then HASMAT guy sprays machine gun fire all over the cargo bay. Starkwell rolls his eyes. Lovelock then recognized an actor from a late eighties cop show called HARDBALL and spent several minutes trying to remember what the premise of the show was. Consequently, they missed a whole bunch of movie.

[...]

[Still no zombies since that first one.]

Lovelock: I take back what I said… they are wasting a lot of time.

Starkwell: Yeah, I definitely feel like I’m wasting my time.

Lovelock: Hey, at least they are trying to make it about the characters…

Starkwell: Too bad the characters all suck.

[...]

The zombie action eventually picked up, and all the characters that we hate the most seem to die first. So, at least the film does that right.

[...]

Lovelock: As long as they’re going to cast a pilot that looks exactly like the pilot from “Airplane!” couldn’t they have made him have funny dialogue?

Starkwell: Umm…

Lovelock: Do you like gladiator movies?

Starkwell: I can tell you that I don’t like this movie.

[...]

[Survivors make a bomb and explode the zombie nest.]

Starkwell: First of all, why would the zombies nest like that? Second, how can you explode the inside of the plane and still be flying? Third, who is flying the plane, since both pilots are dead?

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure the movie was written by drunken teenagers. On napkins.

Starkwell: All I know is that I wish real planes were as durable as this one. They just shot a missile at it, and it’s still kicking. And yeah, of course the convict knows how to fly and land the plane, in the desert, on fire.

Lovelock: That’s like the first thing they teach you in prison.

[...]

This is cookie cutter zombie fare at its cookie cutterest. Except, you know, on a plane. The movie ended and Starkwell and Lovelock were all like [...] “what a pile of shit” [...] "totally" [...]. I won’t lie, the bad dubbing enhances the viewing experience, but even this unintentional uniqueness can’t elevate this movie above the realm of predictability and stupidity wherein it lies. Still… good for a laugh. Salut. A la prochaine.

Snake People.

2012-01-15T15:55:00.000-05:00

Boris Karloff stars in this film that manages to currently sneak its way into virtually every one of those zillion movies in one DVD box sets. I kid you not, I think I have three versions of this film. All of them are of the piss poorest quality, and feature no real menu or information about the film, except for a short synopsis, none of which seem to describe the same film. But they all say Boris Karloff. Starkwell, Lovelock, prepare yourselves.

[...]

[Opening shot of a map, and a guy talking about voodoo.]

Starkwell: I guess they want to establish where we are going, you know, geographically.

Lovelock: Couldn’t they have afforded a nicer map?

[...]

Lovelock: Why is it all voodoo masters wear a top hat and those weird little round sunglasses?

Starkwell: Maybe they all meet up and agree on a uniform.

[Then they really chopped the head off of a chicken and there was blood and it was kind of fucked up.]

[...]

Then the credits rolled over a still shot of what we are all assuming is Colonel Sanders, or possibly a young Orville Redenbacher, and Starkwell noticed an absurd amount of actors in this movie that have just one name, like JULISSA, SANATON, URINAL, FARFLE II, MARTINIQUE or like, you know, Cher. Ok, some of those weren’t real. There is a lot of randomly placed narration, here and there, assumedly because without out it, none of this would make any sense, what with the belly dancing, steel drum players and close-ups on skeleton crotches.

[...]

[Introducing Karloff, as CARL VON MOLDY.]

Starkwell: Holy shit... his pants are pulled up high.

Lovelock: Wait, Boris Karloff invented KFC?

[...]

[Von Moldy tries to move a mirror with his mind.]

Lovelock: So “Snake People” invented the force?

Starkwell: I don’t see the connection, really…

Lovelock: I’ll tell you what, Karloff is too old, too old to begin the training.

[...]

[Main Character Vincent McOpenshirt is tranquilized.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never hang around caves full of crazy voodoo people.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

[...]

With little to no character development, no clear hero, no clear bad guy, no real story, and no real reason to want to continue watching, Starkwell and Lovelock were struggling. I think the highlight for them was when, as Starkwell said, “the girl finally took that stupid hat off.” There was a pretty good laugh in the room when Lovelock said to the main character “Hey dude, you missed a button or two there.”

[...]

[Mini Baron Samedi watches Snake Lady violate Hat Girl with a snake, presumably into her crotchal area.]

Starkwell: Well, at least they didn’t actually show it.

Lovelock: I’m not sure that the out of focus close-ups of weird Mini Samedi’s face are any better.

Starkwell: Yeah... it’s better.

[...]

[Lesbian kiss, involving Hat Girl, some sort of vision of herself and a snake.]

Lovelock: It was all just… a dream?

Starkwell: I wish me watching this was just a dream.

Lovelock: If it was, I’d be pretty pissed off at my subconscious.

[...]

Starkwell, Lovelock and me all left the room then, and came back ten minutes later, to some kind of weird bar makeout scene. And then these zombie girls ate a guy. While it was a welcome addition to the film, as Starkwell noted, “It seems a bit out of place.” The insane close-up of a guy furiously playing the cowbell, on the other hand, was perfectly at home in this completely incomprehensible film.

[...]

[Scarf Guy tries to get sexy with yet another zombie girl, and Snake Lady turns her to dust, with her eyes.]

Lovelock: Why couldn’t the movie just be ninety minutes of that?

Starkwell: Why couldn't the move just be over already?

Lovelock: Good point. Want to rewind and watch that scene again?

Starkwell: No. No, times a zillion.

[...]

And then, in perhaps the biggest twist of the whole move, Vincent McOpenshirt was actually wearing a closed shirt, and was covering his entire chest.

[...]

Lovelock: There should be a version of this movie that just shows Snake Lady melting the zombie with her eyes, followed by Scarf Guy being eaten, and then Von Moldy being set on fire.

Starkwell: A bit short for a director’s cut.

Lovelock: It’s more like an audience cut.

Starkwell: You could cut out Vincent McOpenshirt altogether.

Lovelock: I might keep some of the belly dancing, just for the opening and closing credits. You know, to set the mood.

Starkwell: I’m in the mood to stop watching this. Wait... how do you know Von Moldy will be set on fire?

Lovelock: Dare to dream I guess.

[...]

Moments later the film ended. Nothing really made any sense, but the important thing is that when the Mexican General fell into the fire, he exploded everyone into oblivion. Except Hat Girl and McOpenShirt, who were somehow already outside of the cave. And roll credits, and goodbye.

Revenge of the Living Dead Girls.

2012-01-12T19:36:00.000-05:00

An unofficial sequel to the Rollin “Masterpiece”, this one is directed by Pierre B. Reinhard, which, for all we know is another alias of the infamous French director. After all, Zombie Lake wasn’t directed under his actual name. No matter who the director is, the film certainly will turn out to be a challenge to sit through, and Lovelock and Starkwell are ready for the challenge. Or a least, they think they are. The menu screen shows an option for an ‘alternate ending’, which we just may have to view later. For now… PLAY MOVIE!

[...]

[Trucker picks up injured girl, motorcycle follows.]

Starkwell: She’s pretty trusting to just follow a trucker into an abandoned old tower of some kind.

Lovelock: Shhhhh… apparently rubbing her upper thigh is helping... helping her injuries.

Starkwell: Oh brother…

[...]

As the plot began SLOWLY developing, and it turns out that the poisoned milk is making women die, Starkwell and Lovelock spent several minutes trying to decide of the film was originally filmed in French or not. Either way, they agree that the overdubbing is hilarious, the acting is atrocious, and the mood is lightly pornographic.

[...]

[Captain Motorcycle disposes of The Company’s toxic waste in the ‘middle of nowhere’.]

Starkwell: So, apparently the middle of nowhere is directly on top of the recently deceased’s graves?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.

Starkwell: So it just happens to be the three that died from tainted milk?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.

[...]

So basically there’s a dude that went and had sex with the woman that the living dead girls had just killed with a heel to the eye, but he never realized that she was dead, until THE NEXT DAY, when the Evil Secretary told him that she was dead, as she tried to get the sexy sex out of him. He doesn't even seem disturbed that he had sex with a corpse last night, and then left... the corpse. I guess he doesn’t mind when the girls don’t say anything, or move at all. A little while later, the living dead girls bit a guy’s penis off, to which Starkwell said something along the lines of “Oh fuck off” and left the room. Lovelock stayed mostly quiet for the rest of the film.

[...]

Lovelock: It must be nice to have such smooth and perfect hand when your face is all decayed and rotten. Actually, the decaying face part of it probably isn’t very nice at all, granted it would make the hands appear even smoother.

[...]

Then the Chemist was referring to the chemical burn on his hand, and holding his hand up and there was CLEARLY no burn on his hand. Apparently they didn’t bother with the makeup. Then the Chemist tried to explain what was going on, and NOTHING ADDS UP. Ordinarily movies have the occasional continuity issue, like a drink changing hands, or a button being done, then undone. But this film's continuity errors are so in your face, it almost makes it awesome. Almost. Lovelock started laughing, and I’m pretty sure he kept laughing until the awkward lesbian scene (that ended with sword-into-the-vagina death) silenced him. Then during the horrifying INSTANT miscarriage in the shower scene, Lovelock decided he was done with this movie and walked out. I think he was still watching from the other room though, because he came back in when Captain Motorcycle was TOXIC WASTED. Then the movie ended all of a sudden and Lovelock let out an awkward laugh.

Zombie Death House.

2012-01-09T18:58:00.000-05:00

Prison. Zombies. John Saxon stars and directs. A DVD that comes with a certificate warning that it may, in fact, shock me to death. Expectations are flying high in the room here, and I can’t help but feel like this 1987 film can’t possibly deliver everything that Starkwell and Lovelock are hoping to get from it. Let’s hope it at least gets an ‘A’ for effort. Failing that, hopefully they’ll get some good laughs out of it.

[...]

[Bizarre montage, awkwardly cut.]

Starkwell: It takes a special movie to pull off a montage as an opening scene. This does not seem to be a special movie.

Lovelock: I’m more confused than anything. Is he banging the mobster’s girlfriend, or is that a flashback?

Starkwell: I think that shot of the jungle was Vietnam.

Lovelock: Maybe that was a flashback.

Starkwell: Umm… well, yeah.

[...]

The movie seems to be throttling forward at breakneck speeds, including some kind of elaborate plot to eventually get the main character, Derek, into prison. It’s awkwardly paced, edited in a peculiar way and random narration and slow-motion shots cause Starkwell to become increasingly uncomfortable.

[...]

[Enter the Saxon.]

Lovelock: Oh man, Roper is up to his old tricks.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[...]

Once Derek gets to prison the movie still doesn’t really slow down at all, but one thing that Starkwell noted was that “are we supposed to be rooting for anyone?” Lovelock said he’s rooting for John Saxon.

[...]

[Dr. Saxon calls up the biochemical engineer that worked on the zombie virus, who is apparently a reporter now. Because that is the usual career path for scientists.]

Starkwell: Extra, extra, read all about it… this movie blows.

Lovelock: Maybe you’re not watching it properly. Focus on the awesome.

Starkwell: Where?

Lovelock: Dude… it’s everywhere.

[Prison guard rapes Pretty Boy in his bum.]

Lovelock: Ok, well… not there.

[...]

[Reporters show up, five of them, in an old cheap car.]

Starkwell: What did they do, carpool to the scene?

[...]

Once the inmates organize themselves and start making demands, the movie slows down. The fact that the first half of the film moved so quickly makes it so that when it slows down, it feels extra slow. By the time the zombie mayhem started up, it was too late, Starkwell was already fast asleep.

[...]

[The Warden tries to wrestle the pick axe out of Moretti’s hands.]

Lovelock: He just handed the pick axe to him a minute ago. If he wanted the pick axe, why didn’t he use it when he had it? STARKWELL! You’re missing some real winning film making here.

[...]

Then Derek had a sex dream about Blonde Biochemist Reporter. Likely just as an excuse to show the actress’ boobs.

[...]

[Kid on Skateboard knows the secret way out of the prison.]

Lovelock: Starkwell, seriously, this is incredible… you need to wake up. They’re following a kid riding on a skateboard. A skateboard!

[...]

Lovelock started laughing so hard that Starkwell woke up.

[...]

[The group has to walk past a hallway of zombie arms trying to grab them.]

Starkwell: Alright, well that was actually pretty cool.

Lovelock: I told you! Do you see the awesome now?

Starkwell: No. Why was there a kid on a skateboard?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand.

[...]

The movie ends with ‘splosions, twists and, for some reason, an ass kicking Dead Kennedys song. Lovelock stands up and starts rocking out all over the room. Starkwell wishes he had stayed asleep. I guess they will have to agree to disagree on this one.

Prince of Darkness.

2012-01-06T10:15:00.001-05:00

No one can deny that Carpenter is a master of the horror genre. As much as I don’t appreciate all of his work (specifically some of his more recent ventures), you would be hard pressed to find anyone that isn’t at least somewhat scared by his earlier stuff. 1987’s “Prince of Darkness”, to me, is one of his more underrated pictures along with the Roddy Piper fuelled “They Live”. After leaving half way through “Ghost of Mars”, Starkwell is pumped to see something else by the legendary director. Lovelock just wants to see some action.

[...]

[Professor gives lecture.]

Starkwell: I realize that it’s probably a graduate level course, but those are some fairly old looking students.

Lovelock: If you can grow a moustache like that, the only class you should be in, is one that you are teaching, preferably on ‘How to Grow an Awesome Moustache’.

[...]

The story was slow moving, but very creepy. Sometime after the Professor rounded up his best old students, he told them they were going somewhere secret to study something that he can’t tell them about yet. I think Lovelock yelled out “FIELD TRIP.” After Moustache Brian seduces Red Head, he re-iterated “Field trip… with sexy complications.”

[...]

[Zombie Homeless dude kills Miscellaneous Nerd #3.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go near homeless people in back alleys.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

[...]

[Canister shoots slime directly into girl’s mouth.]

Lovelock: That’s why I keep my mouth closed when I stare up at a mystery evil slime.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

[...]

After the slimy facial, things got even creepier. Starkwell kept mentioning how the minimalist score made the atmosphere even more tense and horrifying. Lovelock kept saying “you’re tense and horrifying.” At one point a character called the priest “looney tunes” and said “this is caca” and became Lovelock’s favorite character ever. Then he died almost immediately. Lovelock was still totally pumped.

[...]

[Possessed Girl climbs on top of Asian Girl in her bed, then pukes in Asian Girl’s mouth.]

Lovelock: Worst slumber party ever.

[...]

[Possessed Girl climbs on top of Black Guy while Asian Girl holds him down. She pukes in his mouth.]

Lovelock: Worst threesome ever.

[...]

In perhaps the worst escape attempt ever, Moustache Brian climbs out the window and into the alley, and then immediately climbs back into the window as Homeless Zombies close in on him in the alley. Lovelock started to crack a joke, but then the Decomposing Blondie, pregnant with some kind of evil, makes icky slime noises as her skin melts and Lovelock pukes mid wisecrack.

[...]

[Possessed Decomposing Blondie picks up make up mirror.]

Lovelock: I don’t think make up is going to help at this point.

[...]

The movie wraps itself up, and the ending is scary, satisfying, depressing, yet hopeful. Starkwell stood up and applauded. Lovelock stood up to go change his underwear, and break all of the mirrors in the apartment. Job well done, Mr. Carpenter.

Horror Hospital.

2012-01-03T19:25:00.002-05:00

I don’t know much about the 1973 film “Horror Hospital”. From what I can tell it was Antony Balch’s final film venture, and it was one that he both wrote and directed. Maybe it was so good he knew he could never top it. Maybe it was so bad he retired. It is an impressive looking special edition DVD, so I eagerly await Starkwell and Lovelock’s opportunity to find out if it was a good or bad swan song.

[...]

[Opening scene involves a car equipped with a retractable sword and a basket for collecting the heads of the people whom the car’s sword beheads. Two people are decapitated.]

Lovelock: I think more movies need to start that way. Every movie.

Starkwell: I don’t think EVERY movie could pull it off.

Lovelock: Name one that couldn’t.

Starkwell: "Home Alone".

Lovelock: Movie opens with Shovel Guy chasing down Pesci and Stern with a sword car, chops off both of their heads, KABLAMMO. Fades to black and then opens where the ‘regular’ cut of the film does, and says ‘earlier that week’ at the bottom. Plus you could cut out the whole ‘Shovel Guy’s Granddaughter’ storyline that makes people cry.

Starkwell: Kind of changes the feel of the movie a little.

Lovelock: Whatever, dude. Hey, is that Alfred from original "Batman"?

Starkwell: I don’t know that I would call Burton’s film ‘original’ Batman.

Lovelock: True, original "Batman" movie had exploding shark.

[...]

After only a few short minutes, it becomes abundantly clear to Starkwell and Lovelock that this film is gonna be one nutty ride.

[...]

[Zombies sitting at the dinner table. The main characters come and sit down. One girl starts screaming and two bikers come and take her away.]

Starkwell: So they just always wear motorcycle helmets regardless of whether or not they are on their bikes?

Lovelock: Maybe it’s in case they fall… that marble staircase looks awful slippery.

[...]

[Main characters passionately embrace.]

Starkwell: Considering they just met an hour or so ago, they seem to care an awful lot about each other.

Lovelock: Look at his hair. Who wouldn’t fall for that right away!?!?

[...]

[Main Character Jason kicks Helmet Goon into pit of hot mud.]

Starkwell: He has a Shatneresque fighting style.

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason. You won’t get very far.

Starkwell: He did a good job in trying.

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason. You won’t get very far.

Starkwell: Why did they even bother explain what they are doing to the people? Why give him a chance to escape.

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason. You won’t get very far.

[...]

[Jason is gassed and has a flashback recapping everything that has happened in the movie thus far.]

Starkwell: So we could have just started watching now and been totally up to date.

Lovelock: But then you would have missed all the romance scenes.

Starkwell: Wait… what?

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason. You won’t get very far.

[...]

Then there was a scene where the Old Bag was packing her things and it felt like it lasted a million years. But then this creepy melty creature popped out of nowhere and killed her and Lovelock and Starkwell both stood up and cheered. A little while later there was an awkwardly long sequence of the Midget Servant turned Helper Dude trying to break the two heroes out that you would have to see to believe.

[...]

[Drawn out flashback sequence about how Dr. Storm became the Mad Scientist he is today.]

Starkwell: Damn. The movie almost made it without full frontal male nudity.

Lovelock: Almost only counts in horseshoes.

[...]

As the heroes destroyed the place and the weird shit-monster fondled Milly, the twist ending caused both Starkwell and Lovelock to laugh endlessly, mostly because there was absolutely no reason to have the twist in the first place. The second twist ending, admittedly was pretty fucking awesome. Solid movie. A little insane, a lot over the top, but overall very enjoyable.

Zombie Holocaust.

2011-12-18T23:00:00.001-05:00

This DVD doesn’t even have a menu. When I put it in for Starkwell and Lovelock to watch it just automatically stopped after the FBI Warning. Maybe it was a sign to abort the mission, but for some reason, I pressed play again. This is going to be a rough one. Lovleock asked “It’s 1980, and Ian McCulloch is in it… how bad can it be?” Just wait, Lovelock. Just wait.

[...]

[Girl strips.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, who matches their furniture with their lampshade, bedspread and wallpaper?

Lovelock: The same women that walk around in a bra and panties while tending to their fridge full of raw meat.

[...]

[Hospital worker tries to take a bite out of a dead guy’s heart, gets caught, jumps out window.]

Lovelock: I don’t think that’s what those people had in mind when they donated their bodies to science.

Starkwell: The arm flew off the dummy when it hit the ground, and yet, when they showed the dead character after, his arm was still attached.

Lovelock: Dude, mannequins aren’t cheap. That was the best take they had.

[...]

For a while, Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t really paying any attention. They perked up a little when McCulloch was on screen, but mostly they were amazed at the amount of random shots there were of New York City. At one point, Starkwell blurted out, “yeah, we get it, you’re in New York.” Soon, the director upgraded to STOCK FOOTAGE of a random tropical island, which could have been lifted from any other number of zombie movies from the era. Lovelock noticed that their car changed from one shot to the other.

[...]

[Naked Girl finds Maggoty Head in her bed.]

Lovelock: That’s why you should always wear pants to bed.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[Cannibal Tribe randomly show up and eat kid.]

Starkwell: They’re standing right next to them, why would McCulloch need those enormous binoculars?

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the reporter girl’s camera keeps changing colors.

Starkwell: Not bad.

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the hardcore Black dude wears a pink scarf and carries a machete ALL THE TIME.

Starkwell: Better.

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the Cannibals use shiny red silk ribbons to lasso people in for the kill/eat.

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[...]

The excessive gore doesn’t seem to be enough to win even Lovelock over. Somewhere well past the halfway point, we eventually see some zombies. They just sort of stand there looking gross. Still no sign of a holocaust. Still no sign of a plot.

[...]

[They all sit around drinking cans of soda pop.]

Starkwell: Where did they get the soda? And is that a box of ‘Special K’ in the bag?

[...]

[BOAT MOTOR CHARGED INTO ZOMBIFACE.]

Lovelock: I think we definitely just hit the film’s high point.

Starkwell: They should have just ended it right after motor-kill.

Lovelock: From now on, whenever someone runs a boat’s motor into someone’s face, we’ll say that they got McCulloched.

Starkwell: Probably won’t come up that often, especially since we’ll never watch this one again.

[...]

Reporter girl became a zombie with bad teeth, but then they ripped her scalp off, and suddenly she was on the Doctor’s autopsy table wearing a bloody bald cap and her teeth and face were back to normal. Starkwell gave up and went to bed. Lovelock kept watching, hoping that McCulloch would find another working motor on an abandoned boat. He never did. The Blonde girl did get naked, though. Again.

[...]

[Blonde girl’s naked body gets flowers painted on it.]

Lovelock: It looks just like her wallpaper from the beginning. I think that must mean something.

Starkwell: It means this movie sucks.

Lovelock: I thought you went to bed.

Starkwell: I wanted to make sure that you threw the movie out the window after it’s over.

[...]

The movie ends, and they weren’t really sure what happened. Well, at least the blonde girl found some clothes.

Children of the Living Dead.

2011-12-16T11:00:00.003-05:00

It “stars” Tom Savini and is directed by a guy named Tor Ramsey. There is a definite connection to the original “Night”, given that John Russo produced it, and I think it even stars children of some of the people involved with the Romero works. So how bad can 2001’s straight-to-video “Children of the Living Dead” really be? I’ll tell who is about to find out. Lovelock and Starkwell. Wait until they hear that Savini is only in the first five minutes. I read an interview with Savini wherein he called this movie a “piece of shit”. It’s with that glowing stamp of approval in mind that I proudly present this DVD, bought at a DVD outlet store for two dollars, to Lovelock and Starkwell.

I should probably mention that the DVD is from Quebec, and somehow lacks the English audio track. So, we will be viewing this one dubbed into French. Honestly, it probably helps the film, just by adding a level of unintentional hilarity that these film makers are likely incapable of.

[...]

[Helicopter gunman mows down a bunch of Zombies. Savini takes down a bunch. Then he explores a farmhouse and explains that zombies don’t attack children.]

Lovelock: ACTION PACKED THRILL RIiiiiIIIIiiiiIDE!!!

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t they attack children? This is dumb.

Lovelock: If it maintains this level of action, I may be willing to forgive it.

[Savini flips out and then dies in the slowest moving zombie attack ever committed to DIRECT-TO-VIDEO.]

Lovelock: I think the bad dubbing helps cover up the bad acting.

Starkwell: I think I’m going to have a lot of trouble making it to the end of this one.

[...]

[Lame “college aged” kids drive drunk… 14 years later.]

Starkwell: Funny… it feels like fourteen years have gone by since the movie started.

[The lamest looking zombie EVER jumps / dances / sachets out into the road. The bus flies off a cliff.]

Lovelock: Best scene ever.

Starkwell: Honestly, if they rolled credits now, they could totally save this movie.

[...]

[At the funeral for the “kids”.]

Lovelock: See, that’s why having a name like ‘Candi’ is weird to me, because at the funeral, they say “we will miss you… Candi…” and it just doesn’t sound sincere. It sounds more like a stripper's going away party.

Starkwell: "We will miss you, Candi... good luck at community college next year."

Lovelock: Exactly.

[...]

Sometime after that, the Lame Super Zombie goes around biting into ALREADY DEAD PEOPLE and making them rise up out of their coffins. Starkwell is putting his shoes on, very ready to leave TOP SPEED. At least if that happened, something would be moving fast. Eventually after another twenty minutes Lovelock was fast asleep and Starkwell was long gone.

[...]

[Nothing happens… dubbed in French.]

Lovelock: ZzZZZzzzzzzz….

[...]

The movie eventually ended and restarted without waking Lovelock up.

[...]

[Lovelock wakes up, ten minutes into the film, the second time it started playing.]

Lovelock: Woah, I must have been asleep. I had a nightmare about the worst movie that I have EVER SEEN and…

[Lovelock notices the movie playing.]

Lovelock: What the...?? NOOOOOoooOO!!!! IT’S A MAD HOUSE!!!

[Lovelock runs away crying.]

[...]

Let’s just say Tom Savini was being kind in that interview. The French dubbing helped elevate it to a somewhat surreal level, but a surreal and shit level, nonetheless.

Pet Sematary.

2011-12-14T18:05:00.040-05:00

Stephen King really pisses me off. How can anyone just come up with so many damn stories? Amidst all of his best selling books, he also wrote screenplays. Some originals, some based off his books. He even got to collaborate with Romero! Anyways, I’m pretty sure this one is about cats. And it was directed by the woman that directed Madonna’s “Like a Virgin”, so you know it should be pretty scary. Lovelock hopes I’m joking about the whole ‘it’s about cats’ thing. We’ll see.

[...]

[Introducing the family, and their new New England home. Tire swing breaks, girl falls.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never swing on tire swings.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: Isn’t that the 'girls have a penis boys have a vagina' kid from "Kindergarten Cop"?

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure you’ve got that backwards.

Lovelock: I'm pretty sure you're backwards.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: IT’S NOT A TUMOR.

[...]

They eventually got into a deep discussion as to why they would be so trusting of a random old crotchety dude from across the street, also, why they had to make the little girl so unbelievably annoying. I think they repeated the line “LOOK DADDY THIS ONE’S A GOLD FISHY” about twenty times. Considering how much he didn’t want this to be about cats, Lovelock certainly kept mentioning how cute the cat is.

[...]

[Girl says “yay”.]

Starkwell: No one should ever say ‘yay’ that loudly.

Lovelock: The last person who did was probably thrown out of a window.

[...]

Sometime after this, things started to pick up a little in the scary department and there was a fairly creepy "dream / or was it a dream?" sequence. Starkwell and Lovelock went quiet.

[...]

[Cat is dead, hit by truck.]

Lovelock: That’s why cats should stay indoors.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: Oh, actually, yeah, that is why.

[...]

Both Starkwell and Lovelock laughed out loud for several minutes when the Old Man Jud and Doctor Louis heard a horrible haunting scream of some kind in the forest on their hike, and Old Man says “Just a Loon, that’s all”, and the Doctor buys it. Way too much trust is being put into the creepy Old Man Jud.

[...]

[Zombie Cat.]

Lovelock: Much cuter than I would expect a zombie cat to look.

Starkwell: If a truck actually hit that cat, I think it would have exploded.

[...]

[Flashback to Wife Lady and her monster sister Zelda.]

Starkwell: Well, I’m not eating supper tonight.

Lovelock: Just tonight? I think that ruined my week.

[...]

[Kid dies by truck. At the funeral Father in Law punches Doctor Louis, coffin falls over.]

Starkwell: I would straight up kill the Father-in-Law.

Lovelock: I don’t know, he has a point, who the hell was watching the kid?

Starkwell: Dude…

Lovelock: Anyways, how could there be anything in the coffin? Wouldn’t the kid have blown up when that truck hit him?

Starkwell: Dude!?!

Lovelock: Man, that’s what you said about the cat.

[...]

I lost track of what they were saying, because Old Man Jud started telling the story of Timmy Baterman and Lovelock started making jokes about Timmy Baterman could have a butler who would have to call him Master Baterman.

[...]

[Daughter tells Wife Lady about her PAX COW dream.]

Starkwell: So, she hears 'Pax Cow' and figures out everything?

Lovelock: Meanwhile the Doctor Stupid brings his surprisingly intact dead child to the MicMac burial ground… AGAINST ALL WARNINGS.

[...]

Wife Lady passed a neon lobster sign and spent the next five minutes talking about Maine lobster. Meanwhile “boys have a penis” kid comes back and starts tearing the place up, much to everyone’s delight. When he offs Old Man Jud, Lovelock readily admit that he “totally breaks my unwritten rule that zombie children can’t be cool.”

[...]

[Wife Lady sees Zelda.]

Starkwell: Please… no more of the disgusting sickly tranny sister from the past…

Lovelock: Seriously… Oh wait, it’s just Zombie Kid… SCALPELLED!

[...]

Doctor Moron grabbed the cat and injected him with something, and it is clear that it’s a real cat that they hopefully just tranquilized. After finding, killing and burning his psychotic super powered evil zombie kid, he decides that it’s STILL a good idea to bury his wife in the MicMac Paddywhack, thus making him one of the dumbest characters ever. Depressing ending, roll credits, Starkwell and Lovelock agree, great movie, if you really want to feel like shit. Thanks a lot, Stephen King.

[...]

Lovelock: Ew! He totally slipped her the tongue and got eyeball puss all in his mouth.

Zombies of Mass Destruction.

2011-12-12T17:45:00.002-05:00

“Zombies of Mass Destruction” might be the dumbest movie title that I have heard in a long time. On top of that, the box for this 2009 zombie entry displays a quote that makes a comparison to “Shaun of the Dead”, which only raises the bar much higher than this film can likely go. Luckily, Lovelock and Starkwell never judge books by their covers, and sit patiently waiting for me to play the damn movie.

[...]

[Blind guy pokes a beached zombie and gets eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never poke things with my blind guy walking stick.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

As the not-so-subtle political agenda of the film unfolds in a rather 'in your face' fashion, Starkwell can’t help but notice the above average quality of the dialogue and acting. Lovelock is just writing down a list of characters he can’t wait to see get killed. It’s already a fairly long list.

[...]

[Tom’s Mom was bitten earlier that day.]

Starkwell: Well, don’t get too attached to the mom…

Lovelock: Thankfully! She was definitely already on my short list.

[...]

Lovelock was about to write ‘Singer-Songwriter Boyfriend Guy named Derek’ on his list a SECOND time, but then he was eaten REAL HARD and Lovelock’s list burst into confetti.

[...]

[Mom’s eyeball pops out and she eats it.]

Starkwell: That eyeball gag felt a bit forced.

Lovelock: 'Forced eyeball gag' trumps 'no eyeball gag'. Film one, Starkwell zero.

[...]

[White Trash Dad interrogates and tortures Iranian-American Frida because he thinks she is a terrorist.]

Starkwell: Wait… he’s originally from Canada?

Lovelock: That a Canadian would behave like that might be the most unrealistic part of this movie so far.

[...]

Zombie mayhem continued and our heroes (the gay couple) end up stuck in the church with nutty people. Pastor Crazybrain gives a sermon to a few crusty old people on how liberal pro-choice homos brought on Judgement Day. Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or ask for fast forward to be pressed. Somewhere in between Tom and Lance escaping the Church’s De-Gaying machine, Mayor Zombie eating Pastor Crazybrain and the Pacifist Teacher Lady becoming trigger happy, I distinctly heard Starkwell ask “are we there yet?”

[...]

[National Guard comes, quarantine ends, life is normal again.]

Starkwell: That is the worst looking soldier I’ve ever seen. Why did they put “29 Weeks Later”?

Lovelock: I know. It kind of makes the whole movie feel like a Weird Al song.

Starkwell: The villagers aren't really making a very big deal out of the fact that it’s all over and done…

Lovelock: Oh, I don’t know, I mean, they made t-shirts…

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock found this movie to be perfectly adequate. That is all. Better than most, much worse than lots, fairly okay in general.

Messiah of Evil.

2011-12-10T20:30:00.036-05:00

Not much for me to say about this except that the writer/director husband/wife team of Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz went on to write “American Graffiti”, “Best Defense”, “Temple of Doom” and “Howard the Duck”. While Lovelock is already wondering whether or not this film will also have featured duck boobies, Starkwell is intrigued by the eclectic omelet of seemingly capable writing that the couple has done, and looks forward to this early egg. All thanks to Mill Creek’s never ending supply of 50 in 1 movie packs!

[...]

[Opening scene is totally confusing, and with horrifying music.]

Starkwell: Do you think the music is meant to scare us?

Lovelock: What is that guy shooting at?

Starkwell: Why isn’t she scared?

Lovelock: Is that the screaming girl from the hallway?

[...]

I had to stop writing down the conversation at this point, because hey just kept asking questions to which there were no clear answers.

[...]

[Gas Station attendant dies.]

Starkwell: Wait, what happened?

Lovelock: It looks like the lights went out and he tripped and fell into some red paint.

[...]

After that brief interlude of implied carnage and bright red blood, they resumed asking questions incessantly. Here are some that stuck out.

[...]

Starkwell: Who stuffs their dog?

[...]

Lovelock: Was that old lady slipping that guy some skin?

[...]

Starkwell: Does she always wear the same thing, or is this the same day?

Lovelock: Maybe she's a super hero?

Starkwell: What's her super power?

Lovelock: Makes any scene boring.

[...]

Lovelock: What exactly is she rubbing on them ol’ boobies?

[...]

The more the questions started piling up, the more the film started to creep them out… in a way. There’s something eerie about anything that raises this many questions. They then started to think, nay worry, that the awkward cuts and nonsensical plot development were actually part of some sort of deliberate game, meant to mess with their heads. They continued to ask questions, but they began to take on a much more sinister and paranoid tone.

[...]

[Main Character lets Tom and the Naked Harem stay at her father’s insane arty boathouse thing.]

Starkwell: Why would she just let them stay there?

Lovelock: Why would she stay there?

Starkwell: 'Messiah of Evil', what are you doing to us?!?!??!

[...]

Then there was the most ridiculously awkward “seduction” scene, where Peeping Tom hugs the main character while she wears a flesh tone outfit. Numerous times, both Starkwell and Lovelock made comments about how the music never makes any sense, and mostly just makes them feel uncomfortable and stressed. Then Starkwell wondered if that was the point, and Lovelock’s mind was blown.

[...]

[Creepy Albino guy eats a rat.]

Starkwell: Seems like a logical choice.

Lovelock: Do you mean for the Albino character, or for the progression of the story?

Starkwell: Both. Also, neither.

[...]

Then there was a grocery store scene that involved a mob of zombies, a girl being eaten, and, well, jazz fusion. It ended abruptly and cut to, as usual with this fucking movie, a shot of the ocean. The movie started to get weirder, and make even less sense, and I believe Lovelock said “I’m FREAKING OUT, MAN!!!!!!” and ran out of the room. He ran back in when he heard Starkwell say “Nice hat!” out loud. He ran back out again when the main character's monologues started up again.

[...]

[Girl goes to the movies, theatre slowly fills up with zombies.]

Starkwell: I kind of wish we were watching the Western that she is watching.

Lovelock: Aw, just fucking eat her already!

Starkwell: You’re back?

Lovelock: Hooray! They ate her!

Starkwell: Wait, did they eat her, or did she just get ketchup on her hand?

Lovelock: The screaming face shots suggest death, but the background music screams interpretive dance.

[...]

Then the movie got even weirder, and more incoherent, and Starkwell and Lovelock both looked legitimately terrified. I don’t know if they are scared of the film’s content, or just the film itself. It’s a subtle distinction, but an important one. When I asked them which it was, they just told me that I wouldn’t understand and to make it stop. Then there was a cowboy flashback scene narrated by the girl’s zombie father, and Lovelock started crying. Zombie Father then tried to eat his Daughter and Starkwell closed his eyes and covered his ears. But, this was mostly because the soundtrack was about as irritating as sandpaper to the testicles.

[...]

Starkwell: What part did you hate the most?

Lovelock: When she threw up bugs and lizards… you?

Starkwell: Oh good one… I’d say Homeless Guy Monologue scene.

[...]

The movie ended and, believe it or not, it got even more nonsensical. Both Starkwell and Lovelock just sat there, passionately hating this movie. In a way, this movie is amazing, surreal, inventive and ahead of it’s time. In another more accurate way, it’s a complete turd. Flush.

Dead Snow.

2011-12-08T20:20:00.000-05:00

It’s not often that I get the chance to have a look at what Norwegian horror cinema is all about. So, given the opportunity to show 2009’s “Dead Snow” to Lovelock and Starkwell, needless to say, I jumped at the aforementioned opportunity. Along with “Outpost”, this is one of the fewer recent Nazi Zombie movies that I can think of, and promises to be a lot of fun, even if Lovelock is already complaining about the subtitles, before we’ve even hit play.

[...]

[Girl runs through snowy woods, away from some kind of monster.]

Starkwell: It’s been a while since I’ve seen a good Day for Night shot.

Lovelock: Shhhh… The Nazis are trying to have a meal.

[...]

There was a scene where the characters were talking about horror films, which sparked a debate between Starkwell and Lovelock about whether or not it is okay to directly reference films inside a film. I honestly don’t know who won, or who was on which side, but at one point someone said that “the minute you reference something, you open yourself up to comparison and that can barely ever be good for you.”

[...]

[Blondie sees something in the woods, creepy old guy tells them Nazi story.]

Lovelock: [nervous fart…………]

Starkwell: This film manages to mix together so many terrifying things. Night time, the woods, snow and cold, Nazis, zombies and all set in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Even the language sounds creepy.

Lovelock: Seriously, it sounds like a backwards record. That’s how monsters sound in my nightmares.

[...]

[Guys race down hill on a GT Snow Racer.]

Lovelock: I hated the GT Snow Racer kids. Where’s the challenge when you can steer like that?

Starkwell: Tobogganing is supposed to be a challenge?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand.

[...]

[Guy follows footprints and falls into a pit.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I see bloody footprints leading away from a dead body, I don’t follow them.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[Girl follows Fat Dude into the outhouse and screws him.]

Starkwell: He just finished wiping his ass and she hops on for a ride?

Lovelock: I feel nauseous.

[After the hump, she falls into the shit hole. Lovelock pukes.]

[...]

Then the horror action picked up at top speed. I think at one point after Fat Dude’s head was ripped in half, Lovelock said “That’s what I’m talking about!” Once the Nazi Zombies started making their fully lit daytime appearances, and the characters began squaring off with them, there was little for Starkwell and Lovelock to do except sit and marvel at the impressively horrifying Nazi zombies, the massive amounts of gore, and the remarkably effective use of color.

[...]

Starkwell: Something else scary to add to the list… buried alive.

[...]

[Montage of zombie kills.]

Starkwell: Interesting musical choice.

Lovelock: Maybe this is the Norwegian version of “Takin’ Care of Business”.

[...]

Do they reference famous films? Yes. Is it worthy to make those references? Absolutely it is. I feel like people will reference this movie in twenty years. Lovelock and Starkwell have both agreed that the Nazi Zombie genre is alive and well, at least for the length of this glorious film. Also, when the ending credits started, I think that Lovelock’s head full exploded.

Return of the Living Dead.

2011-12-06T21:55:00.032-05:00

John Russo who was behind the original Night of the Living Dead, along with Romero obviously, apparently had the right to use the “living dead” moniker however he saw fit. In 1985, he decided to use said moniker in his story turned movie “Return of the Living Dead”. Dan O’Bannon, yes THE Dan O’Bannon, was brought in to write the script and direct, and the result was a horror comedy the likes of which had never been seen! And now it’s time for Starkwell and Lovelock to see it! NOW!!!!!

[...]

[Film says the film is based on true events.]

Lovelock: Wow. The ‘80s really were a magical time.

[...]

It is evident right away that the Dan O’Bannon magic is in full effect, and that the acting is top notch. Lovelock was so excited he let out an accidental fart.

[...]

[Old Guy slams Trioxin container and it leaks.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never slap the side of Conspiracy Containers.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. ... Wait, what's a Conspiracy Container.

Lovelock: A barrel full of secret stuff and mystery that the government wants to hide... duh.

[...]

The movie is full of hilariously over the top army people, 1980s style anarchy goth punks, and synth music. Then dead things started coming to life and Starkwell and Lovelock sat at the edge of their seat, smiling and laughing, thoroughly engaged.

[...]

[Punk girl strips.]

Starkwell: Why would she strip?

Lovelock: To stick it to the man?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: So that the movie could feature boobies?

Starkwell: Bingo.

Lovelock: Even Dan O’Bannon can't escape the '80s gratuitous booby movement.

[...]

After the frantic and funny fight with the first zombie, Starkwell agreed to forgive O’Bannon for the gratuitous female nudity. The zombie was running, which, at the time must have been pretty original, and sacrilegious, for any Romero purists. Starkwell and Lovelock don’t seem to have any problem with it.

[...]

[Embalmer pulls out a pistol.]

Starkwell: Why would the guy working at the mortuary have a gun?

Lovelock: Apparently, one reason would be to kill rabid weasels out in the parking lot.

[...]

[Toxic rain covers the graveyard, punks flee the scene.]

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t she take her clothes?

Lovelock: So that they can continue to show her boobies.

Starkwell: Yeah, I’m mad at O’Bannon again.

[She eventually covers her top partially, but continues to parade around with no pants.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: I feel like wearing a top with not bottom only accentuates the bottom's nudity.

Starkwell: ...

[...]

[TARMAN makes his appearance.]

Starkwell: Holy shit that’s an impressive make up job.

Lovelock: Shut up RIGHT NOW, until I tell you it’s ok to speak again.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were quiet for a while as the story progressed into a frenzy of fast moving zombies and a motley crew of panicky people stuck in a mortuary.

[...]

[Zombies can talk, apparently, and use the ambulance radio to communicate with dispatch.]

Starkwell: I’m not sure how I feel about that…

Lovelock: I don’t remember saying that you could talk yet.

[...]

There was a scene where two paramedics show up and get swarmed INSTANTANEOUSLY. They made me rewind it five or six times. In fact, there were so many amazing shots that they wanted to re-watch that I had to hide the remote, or it would have taken three hours to get through this thing.

[...]

[Naked girl returns as a zombie.]

Starkwell: Fucking COME ON. There is no reason for her to be naked.

Lovelock: Dude, we’ve been over this. It is for the inclusion of film boobies.

[...]

The rest of the movie moves fast. It succeeds on every level. When it wants to be funny, it’s funny. When it tries to scare, it delivers. When it wants to gross out, it does so magnificently well. Starkwell actually admit to liking the characters. Well, except the naked girl. Both Starkwell and Lovelock want to watch the many sequels that this film spawned. I guess I will let them find out for themselves that none of the follow-ups come anywhere close to this film’s quality and charm. Sure, we could have done without the gratuitous boobs, but if that’s the movie’s one major flaw, we’re doing just fine.

I Am Legend.

2011-12-04T17:00:00.000-05:00

Unless you count the mockbuster “I Am Omega”, then 2007’s “I Am Legend” is the third and most recent adaptation of the Richard Matheson novel. This one stars the Fresh Prince and was directed by the director of Britney Spears’ “Slave 4 U” and J. Lo’s “Waiting for Tonight”. So OBVIOUSLY I’m expecting that Lovelock and Starkwell will like it as much as they did the Vincent Price version from the ‘60s.

[...]

[Three years after the cure for cancer is found, NYC is a deserted wasteland.]

Lovelock: Man, they cured cancer, AND got rid of traffic?

Starkwell: No, dude, I think that humanity was wiped out by some kind of plague.

Lovelock: Fair enough, but it still means no traffic.

[...]

[Neville waits for survivors, plays golf off of an aircraft carrier.]

Lovelock: Doesn’t seem like such a bad life.

Starkwell: He’s completely alone, all the time.

Lovelock: What about that cute girl in the video store?

Starkwell: The mannequin?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

[Puppy runs into building, Neville has to go in after him, and sees monsters.]

Lovelock: That’s why they have leash laws.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

The infected seem to be SUPER RABID EXTREME TO THE MAX, also entirely computer animated, which kind of, well, sucks. Starkwell and Lovelock talked at great lengths about the differences between this film’s infected and those of the earlier adaptations. They also wouldn’t shut up about how cute the doggy is. Seriously, did you see when they show him as a puppy??!!?! Come on! It’s totally insane.

[...]

[Doggy gets bit by zombie dogs.]

Lovelock: I thought I couldn’t possibly hate zombie dogs any more then I already did, but they just took our puppy away.

Starkwell: Man, fuck this fucking movie.

[...]

[Neville wakes up, “Shrek” is playing.]

Lovelock: I hate when they show real movies inside of a movie. It feels wrong.

Starkwell: It’s like product placement.

Lovelock: Imagine if in one movie, they show a scene from another movie, and in that scene, there’s product placement in it.

Starkwell: I’d rather not.

[...]

[Neville gives a Bob Marley lesson to Survivor Girl.]

Lovelock: Do you think if they cast a white guy as Neville they would have used Bob Dylan instead of Bob Marley?

Starkwell: Should we be talking about this?

[...]

[Survivor’s camp in Vermont.]

Lovelock: Vermont is beautiful.

Starkwell: Yeah, zombie plague or not, look at the foliage!

[...]

Although I am sure that faithfulness to the book is thoroughly lacking, Starkwell and Lovelock both agreed that the film did what it set out to do. I personally think that they would have liked it more if the dog hadn’t died. Lovelock claims that he had recently been cutting an onion, but I know those were puppy death induced tears.

Zombi 2.

2011-12-01T20:10:00.042-05:00

“Zombi 2”, or “Zombie”, or “Zombie Flesh Eaters”… Whatever you should choose to call it, you must certainly call it amazing. Lucio Fulci’s original undead splatter fest was often imitated, never duplicated. Although made to cash in on the popularity of Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead”, “Zombi 2” ended up being something so much more than a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular. Well, it still is a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular, but it’s such a good one! This DVD from Shriek show has a second disc full of special features. I know I’ll never actually watch them, but it’s nice to know that they are there. After Lovelock and Starkwell enthusiastic reception of Fulci’s “The Beyond”, I’m curious to see what they will have to say about this one.

[...]

[Body Bag sits up, shot in head.]

Lovelock: I think I’m already in love.

Starkwell: You're sort of easy...

[...]

[Cops board sailboat, cop is eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never board an abandoned sailboat.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and the pirate potential.

[...]

After the incredible intro scenes, the movie slows down a little as we are introduced to the characters more, and find out that West, the reporter, and Anne, the doctor’s daughter, are traveling to the islands to find out just what happened to her father. Starkwell appreciated the character and plot development, I believe Lovelock said “I should be bored, but for some reason I’m not.”

[...]

[Then they randomly stop the boat so that Susan can scuba and photograph stuff underwater. Naked.]

Starkwell: Why in the hell would she scuba dive naked?

Lovelock: She’s not naked. She’s wearing one of those old fashioned bathing caps with the flowers.

[...]

Then a shark goes after Susan, but wait, that’s no shark. It’s a zombie shark. Then there’s an underwater zombie that attacks her. Then, there is a zombie vs. shark fight, filmed with a real shark, and, honestly, quite possibly a real zombie. Starkwell and Lovelock high fived and played air guitar. This continued until it randomly cut to a scene of The Scientist’s Wife showering (with several mirrors placed around the shower, presumably so that we can see both her front and back simultaneously) with a zombie outside her window. At this point, they stopped and resumed paying attention to the film.

[...]

[THE GREATEST EYEBALL GAG EVER FILMED.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Why don’t they do that in every movie?

Starkwell: You mean every zombie movie?

Lovelock: No. Every movie. Imagine how it would improve any movie.

Starkwell: You can’t have that in any movie…

Lovelock: Name a movie.

Starkwell: I don’t know… “The Horse Whisperer.”

Lovelock: ScarJo flies off the horse, and when Redford tries to catch her, she accidentally jams a screwdriver into his eye. BAM! He wears an eye patch the rest of the film. Totally improved.

Starkwell: Wait why would she be riding a horse with a screwdriver in her hand?

Lovelock: Look, do you want the movie to make sense, or do you want it to be better?

[...]

As the movie presses onwards at a deliberate pace and more is explained, we find out through flashbacks what the opening scene was all about. Lovelock said it’s “even better the second time”. Starkwell is noticing that the film manages to sprinkle a little bit of everything into the mix and that “if zombie movies were bagels, this movie would be an EVERYTHING BAGEL”, whatever that means… Then they showed a group of zombies feasting on Eyeball Gag Girl and I think Lovelock wept a little. Tears of joy, of course.

[...]

[Peter and Anne make out, in the dirt.]

Starkwell: So all of what they just saw put them in the mood?

Lovelock: Well-

[Zombies pop out of the ground all around them and grab them.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, those are real maggots!

Lovelock: I just got a boner.

[...]

As the zombie horde closed in on them, bunkered down in the church, one couldn’t help but notice how disgustingly scary Fulci’s zombies are.

[...]

[Zombie bites off Science Man’s face.]

Lovelock: Not much meat on the face… Kind of a dumb zombie if you ask me.

Starkwell: No one asked you. Ever.

[...]

[Brian kills zombies.]

Starkwell: So wait, he shoots one in the chest, and then realizes that only a head shot kills them, but then makes the same mistake three or four more times? Just shoot them in the fucking head, Brian!

Lovelock: Seriously. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, go ahead and eat the girl I’m trying to save.

Starkwell: It hardly seems fair that she pays for his inability to learn…

[...]

[Zombies have overrun New York City.]

Starkwell: Why would there still be so much traffic on the bridge if the zombies are everywhere?

Lovelock: Look Fulci’s awesome, but I doubt he could get them to shut down the bridge just for that one shot.

Starkwell: Regardless, it’s still an amazing shot.

Lovelock: Oh shit, THE END!

[...]

Before the credits even finished rolling Lovelock was off in a corner somewhere making “Zombi 2” wallpaper for his bedroom. Starkwell sat quietly, wanting more. More Fulci, more McCulloch, more Zombi, more everything. Unfortunately, we already know that “Zombi 3” won’t deliver the good stuff.

Day of the Dead: The Need to Feed.

2011-11-29T08:00:00.037-05:00

Hot off the heels of the popular “Dawn of the Dead” remake, someone set out to remake “Day of the Dead”. Steve Miner, the film’s director, is no rookie to the horror genre, with some impressive titles on his resume, most notably, a Lovelock and Starkwell favourite, 1986’s “House”. They certainly aren’t shy to name drop Romero all over the box, even though he had nothing to do with the film other than make a good movie twenty-five years ago. The fact that this 2008 version went straight to video is already not a very good sign. Did I mention that it stars Nick Cannon? Let’s see what happens.

[...]

[Teenager coughs up snot, resumes making out with girl.]

Lovelock: I think her standards are a little low.

Starkwell: Much like the casting director’s…

[...]

[Mena Suvari character introduction.]

Starkwell: So that’s why she started turning down those "American Pie" movies, to pursue a more serious acting career…

Lovelock: Harsh.

[...]

They developed the characters a little more, but who really cares? All Lovelock and Starkwell were able to do was make fun of Nick Cannon’s crusty little moustache, his ‘crustache’ if you will. At one point Lovelock begged the question “Seriously, how old is he supposed to be? He looks twelve”, to which Starkwell responded “Mena Suvari’s haircut makes her look like a ‘tween.” Afterwards Lovelock made fun of Starkwell for discussing haircuts and using the word ‘tween. And they missed a whole chunk of movie. They didn’t miss much, and they are yet to see anyone that they really want to root for. But then, as if by magic, people started turning into zombies and instantaneously decaying and running and eating people, so Lovelock and Starkwell decided to pay more attention.

[...]

[Fast zombies leap tall buildings in a single bound and throw grown men around like footballs.]

Lovelock: So when they say remake, they mean it more like… ?

Starkwell: Not a remake.

[...]

Starkwell got up and started wondering how anyone could actually get away with just a bite wound when the zombies seem to “tear through people like the Tasmanian Devil on speed”. Also, why did the virus suddenly kick in at the same time for every infected person in town? Why does it work faster on some than on others? Why do some peoples’ faces immediately decompose when others do not? Lovelock shushed him, but then was like, “Seriously though, what the fuck?” So many questions.

[...]

[People running in front of radio station.]

Starkwell: They used the same shot three times now of those three people running.

Lovelock: I thought you said that a good movie should have consistency?

Starkwell: I don’t think you’re following me here…

[...]

[Suvari is being attacked.]

Starkwell: So the zombies have super powers unless they are going after the main character?

Lovelock: Well duh, otherwise she’d die right away.

[...]

[Main character runs over her Mom without blinking.]

Starkwell: Wait, so she doesn’t want to kill the other soldier yet, in case there's a cure or something... but she felt it was ok to explode her mom into a bajillion pieces with her Hummer? Right in front of her little brother?

Lovelock: UNIT. CORE. GOD. COUNTRY. Somewhere after all of that, MOM.

[...]

[They find out the truth about Project Wildfire.]

Lovelock: Why is it whenever a character in a movie wants to kill some sleazeball, someone else says “no it’s not worth it.”

Starkwell: I wish someone had said that to us that before we put the DVD in.

[...]

[The outbreak has been thwarted… or has it?]

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: ...

Starkwell: So... what?

[...]

Military types, horny teenagers, the sleazy guy, the edgy radio host, one-liners, slow-motion deaths, whizzy bullets and ‘splosions. This was basically a cookie cutter zombie/action/shit film, which just makes the use of the title even more offensive, since Romero’s 1985 epic was anything but. Miner did a decent job directing, but when you’re handed a terrible screenplay, there’s only so much you can do. Well, he could have just said NO. He should have said no. Both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that they would hate the movie slightly less if it didn’t call itself “Day of the Dead”, but they would still, nonetheless, hate it.

The Serpent and the Rainbow.

2011-11-27T21:15:00.046-05:00

Best known for inventing Freddy Krueger, horror titan Wes Craven took a stab at old school zombie folklore in his “based on true events” / “based on a dude’s book” film venture “The Serpent and the Rainbow.” This one stars Bill Pullman, who you might know as the president from Independence Day or that guy I always confuse with Jeff Daniels. Starkwell and Lovelock are intrigued by the possibility that any of what they are about to watch actually happened, and eagerly wait for me to press play.

[...]

[Haiti, 1970s.]

Starkwell: Haiti doesn’t look all that happy. People steal dead bodies.

Lovelock: I don’t know, that guy in the top hat looks pretty happy.

Starkwell: Yeah, he’s waving a gun, I don’t think we’re supposed to like him.

[...]

[Professor Pullman takes magic potion. Wakes up being chased by a panther and some scary dead people.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never take strange potions from witch doctors.

Starkwell: I think he’s a shaman, and yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: I think if I had a spirit animal, I’d want it to be a monkey. No, a giraffe… actually, let me think about it some more.

[...]

[Pharmaceutical company sends him on a mission.]

Starkwell: It’s always the pharmaceutical companies.

Lovelock: Well, yeah… They’re called BIOCORP. You can’t trust that shit.

[...]

[Professor Pullman meets a zombie.]

Lovelock: Wait, that’s a zombie?

Starkwell: I think that this movie is more grounded in reality than you’re used to.

Lovelock: Reality blows. Bring on the flesh eaters. If I wanted reality I’d be at work right now.

[...]

Starkwell watched the story unfold with great enthusiasm. Lovelock was less enthused, but every time he wanted to make a comment like “where’s the action?” or “where’s the beef?” Starkwell would shush him like a librarian on crack. Is there any other kind? However, they both make fun of Professor Pullman’s philosophical narration every chance that they get.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie already has had at least two too many of those “thank goodness, it was only a dream” moments.

Lovelock: Can you really ever have too many of those?

Starkwell: Yes. Yes you can. This movie does.

[...]

[Really long sex scene.]

Starkwell: Apparently waterfalls and a large crowd put Professor Pullman in the mood.

Lovelock: She certainly seems to be enjoying it. In slow motion.

Starkwell: Who has sex in a cave?

Lovelock: Probably cavemen.

[...]

[Professor Pullman cons the con man.]

Starkwell: He’s a doctor and a magician? No wonder she couldn’t resist boning him in a dirty cave.

Lovelock: Plus, his hair is phenomenal.

[...]

I was unable to follow their conversation for a little while, because I passed out when the crazy police drove a huge nail through Professor Pullman’s scrotum. I think I faintly heard Lovelock saying “good luck doing it cave style now” before I blacked out. When I woke up, they were repeating the line “hey, it just went through the scrotum, right?” over and over again, since, as it turns out, Professor Pullman is a pretty hard dude.

[...]

[Another dream sequence followed by dramatic wakeup shot.]

Starkwell: That’s the sweatiest wakeup yet.

Lovelock: Hey, I mean, it just went through the scrotum, right?

[Finds severed head next to him.]

Starkwell: I think I would prefer the nightmare…

Lovelock: Hey, I mean, it just went through the scrotum, right?

[...]

[Back in Boston, Professor Pullman is attacked at a dinner party by the hostess.]

Lovelock: Voodoo or not, I think that’s how I would react to that boring ass conversation as well.

Starkwell: Wow, he just bails on the party? She’s still seizing and screaming. What a dick. Considering this is all his fault, the least he could do is stick around and see if she’s ok.

Lovelock: They put a wallet in her mouth, she’ll be fine.

[...]

[Zombie powder blown in face. Pullman is pronounced dead. Eventually, he comes back.]

Lovelock: Man, they stole that shit from “In Like Flint”.

Starkwell: It’s not really the same thing.

Lovelock: Purple alert!

[...]

The ending of the movie was pretty spectacular, full of historical facts, supernatural terrors, and nail in scrotum payback. But Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t really react at all. They said they were waiting to see if there would be another shot of him waking up, all sweaty, thinking “thank goodness, it was only a dream.” It never came. Good news for Haiti, but bad news for his scrotum.

Homecoming.

2011-11-25T03:00:00.003-05:00

“Masters of Horror” was a relatively short lived television series that produced a mixed bag of shorter horror features helmed by titans of the genre. In the first season, Joe Dante provided the show with the politically charged anti-war zombie effort zombie entitled “Homecoming”.

[...]

[Ann Coulter type of woman talks on TV show, after having shown that later, she will be killed.]

Starkwell: So Dante isn’t exactly going to be subtle about this.

Lovelock: At least we know that the fictional Ann Coulter is going to get capped in the head.

Starkwell: Yeah, dare to dream.

[...]

Somewhere amidst George W. Bush impersonations on the television, dead soldiers rising from their coffins, and witty dialogue aplenty, I’m pretty sure I heard both Starkwell and Lovelock let out cries of joy.

[...]

Lovelock: Wait why aren’t the zombies eating people?

Starkwell: I think you’re missing the point.

Lovelock: Is the point to make me wish that they would kill more of these assholes?

Starkwell: That is most definitely not the point.

[...]

[Undead soldiers simply want to vote, presumably against the president.]

Lovelock: I am suddenly totally cool with the whole not killing people thing.

Starkwell: The Super Christian Church guy’s flip-flop about the undead soldiers was a nice touch.

[...]

[Flashback to main character shooting his brother.]

Starkwell: Wow, he even found a way to comment on gun control too.

Lovelock: I hope he makes fun of Creationism next.

[...]

As the film wrapped itself up, both Starkwell and Lovelock stood up in applause. In its short run time, this film accomplished more than most do in twice the time. Bravo, Joe Dante, and thank you.

King of the Zombies.

2011-11-23T06:00:00.004-05:00

It seems that a lot of older zombie films involve people ending up on a weird island full of spooky ghouls and zombies and crazy people. Apparently 1941’s “King of the Zombies” is no different. Lovelock wants to meet the actual King of the Zombies and thank him for the awesome movies based on his peoples. Starkwell tried to tell him that there was no actual King of the Zombies, but Lovelock interrupted him mid sentence with a well placed armpit fart. This is another one of those Million-Movies-on-One-Disc type of deals, so I’ve already warned them that the quality of the picture will be less than ideal.

[...]

[Intro credits.]

Lovelock: Am I the only one who feels like we’re about to watch a “Looney Tunes” cartoon?

Starkwell: Yes... okay, no.

[...]

[CLEARLY a Model Airplane landing in CLEARLY a Model Forest.]

Lovelock: I miss playing with toys.

Starkwell: It's only a model.

[...]

[Jefferson Jackson cracks wise!]

Lovelock: I can’t tell if I find Mantan Moreland’s performance offensive or hilarious.

Starkwell: How about both?

Lovelock: Maybe it’s best if we don’t think about it too much.

Starkwell: Or talk about it.

Lovelock: Nice hat!

Starkwell: Should we be talking about this?

[...]

[They find a mansion on the otherwise uninhabited island.]

Lovelock: I can see where “Lost” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Dude, you’ve used that one before.

Lovelock: “Gilligan’s Island”?

Starkwell: Whatever.

[...]

[The Black servants are zombies. Jackson sees them. The White lame people don’t believe him.]

Starkwell: Pretty edgy social commentary for 1941…

Lovelock: Do you think they knew what they were implying when they filmed it?

Starkwell: I sincerely hope so.

[...]

[Tuxedo Pants introduces the guys to some kind of rich white girl zombie.]

Starkwell: Wait, that’s his wife? They’re commenting on both racial AND gender inequality in the 1940s? Insane!

Lovelock: Rich white men are sucking the life out of women and ethnic groups and controlling them like mindless meat puppets to do their dirty work.

Starkwell: I’m proud of you.

Lovelock: Not to mention, it’s becoming quite clear that the two wooden white guys, parading around in Hugh Hefner gowns, are just there for show, and Jackson is the real hero of the picture.

Starkwell: I’m really impressed… you’re really getting into this!

Lovelock: Actually, I’m bored as shit. When are the Black servants going to start eating people?

Starkwell: It was nice while it lasted.

[...]

The movie crawled forward like molasses on an uneven kitchen floor, but still managed to hold Starkwell’s interest. Lovelock, on the other hand, said “snoozers” out loud at one point, after which Starkwell punched him in the nuts. Eventually there were some awkwardly offensive “Voodoo” things happening on screen, and then, an eventual zombie uprising. The dialogue confused everyone and really just left a lot of unanswered questions. One thing is for sure, Mantan Moreland steals the show here. After the insanely abrupt ending, the credits rolled, and Starkwell got up slowly, nodded his head and said “Powerful stuff.” Then Lovelock got up slowly, nodded his head, and said “Also, dull as balls.” Different strokes for different folks.

[...]

Lovelock: “Temple of Doom”. “Temple of Doom” totally got its story from this.

Evil Dead II.

2011-11-21T23:30:00.005-05:00

Before doing shitty super hero sequels (Spiderman!) and forgettable horror movies with no real story (Drag Me to Hell!), Sam Raimi was changing the face of horror comedy forever with his “Evil Dead” series. As anticipation fills the room, I press play for the Widescreen Version.

[...]

[Introduction about Necronomicon.]

Starkwell: I feel like I’m watching one of those old National Film Board of Canada documentaries.

Lovelock: What like that lumberjack cartoon?

Starkwell: I think they were loggers... but no, not exactly.

[...]

[Ash play tape recorder, evil spirit take Linda.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never break into abandoned cabins, leaf through creepy books, and press play on old fashioned tape recorders.

Starkwell: Yeah, all of that. That’s why.

Lovelock: Those are some pretty solid reasons.

Starkwell: You know, he didn’t give Linda much time to explain herself before lobbing her head off with a shovel.

Lovelock: Trouble in paradise.

[...]

The movie is so fast paced, the effects are so good, and Bruce Campbell kicks so much ass, that it was hard to keep up with what Starkwell and Lovelock were saying. Most of it just sounded like two school girls giggling, as if they had just found out that the boy they liked liked them too, while the movie races forward at the pace of a “Looney Tunes” cartoon and never seems to let up.

[...]

[Headless Linda the zombie dances ballet.]

Starkwell: Stop motion animation, when done well, will always look scarier and creepier than even the best CGI.

Lovelock: Old school effects for the win.

Starkwell: It also helps that Campbell sells every single scene as hard as he does.

[...]

[Enter redneck characters.]

Starkwell: We may have just found the movie’s first flaw.

Lovelock: Yeah, I hate redneck characters too.

[Ash fights himself with his own hand.]

Starkwell: Oh, "Evil Dead 2", I can’t stay mad at you.

Lovelock: I think I want to make "Evil Dead 2" wallpaper for my house.

Starkwell: I want to make sheets, so that "Evil Dead 2" can keep me warm at night. Forever.

[...]

[Cabin comes to life. Ash laughs-to-scream.]

Starkwell: I know I always champion Vincent Price’s laugh-to-cry in “Last Man on Earth”, but that was pretty sensational.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were speechless for a while, due to gruesome and unforgiving horror perfection.

[...]

[Redneck dies in cellar.]

Starkwell: So much blood, and yet, none got on her.

Lovelock: At this point, can you please just suspend your disbelief a little.

[...]

[Montage of Ash arming himself.]

Starkwell: Ladies and gentlemen, a legend is born.

[...]

Then Ash said “GROOVY” and they both stood up and cheered. When he said “Swallow this”, I swear I think I saw a single tear going down Lovelock’s face.

[...]

[Final gory fight sequence.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: … [nervous fart]

[...]

Nearly twenty-five years old, and it still looks as good, scares as much and provides as much fun as the day it was first released. I would tell you Starkwell and Lovelock’s reaction to the ending, but they’ve already run out into the streets going door to door to spread the good word.

Undead.

2011-11-19T18:15:00.032-05:00

Australian twin brothers Michael and Peter Spierig recently wrote and directed a pretty sweet vampire movie (an accomplishment in this modern age of sparkly vampires) called “Daybreakers”, and are currently working on a remake of the “Dark Crystal”. But before all of that, they made a zombie movie, 2003’s "Undead". To follow an Australian zombie film with a big budget Hollywood vampire movie starring Ethan Hawke and Willem Dafoe, means that they must have done at least a few things right. And so, without any further ado, IT’S GO TIME!!!!1111

[...]

[Character introductions. Main character is female lead Rene.]

Starkwell: They are certainly establishing a lot of different characters.

Lovelock: Great casting on the sleazy agent guy. I already hate him.

Starkwell: I actually already care about Rene.

[...]

They’ve very quickly established characters, and waste no time to get to the action. Starkwell is amazed by how much he already cares about the female lead Rene, and that it “says a lot about the directing and the quality of the writing”. Lovelock won’t shut up about how good the musical score is. After we see the first zombie and the color of the film goes from bright and sunny to dark and gloomy, both Lovelock and Starkwell sat quietly, heavily immersed and already deeply invested in the story.

[...]

[Zombie Child punches through an old woman’s head.]

Lovelock: I told you that zombie children could be cool!

Starkwell: Way to go, Australia!

[...]

[Zombie action in farmhouse.]

Starkwell: Normally I hate when directors try and John Woo-ify their characters, but somehow this time it worked.

Lovelock: Zombie kid worked, guy in overalls holding guns sideways worked… What’s going on here? I feel like we are in the "Twilight Zone".

Starkwell: Let’s move to Australia.

[...]

[Further mayhem.]

Starkwell: How could anyone take cops seriously if they wear hats like that? She looks like she is going on a picnic.

Lovelock: This ain’t no picnic.

Starkwell: Nice.

[...]

[Overalls Man does a back flip, hooks his spurs into the wall above the door, hangs upside down, and shoots zombies in all directions.]

Starkwell: Okay, that one was a bit much.

Lovelock: Yeah, even in Australia, that was wicked lame.

[...]

As the movie sashayed forward stylishly, Lovelock and Starkwell sat quietly, only occasionally imitating the Australian accent, poorly. Starkwell was a little disappointed that Overalls actually referred to the zombies as zombies. Call him a purist, but as he said “The first rule of ‘Fight Club’ is don’t talk about ‘Fight Club’”, or something to that effect.

[...]

[They kill an Alien.]

Starkwell: They can put up enormous fences around a town and make it rain, but one bullet kills them?

Lovelock: Just because we’ve invented the iPhone and Pac-Man video games doesn’t mean a spear through the gut won’t fuck us up.

[...]

[Holy shit, twist ending. Picnic Hat’s not dead! Yet!]

Lovelock: I knew it!

Starkwell: No, no you didn’t.

Lovelock: No, no I didn’t.

[...]

[On the extraterrestrial virus being spread around by the meteor fragments that fell.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never touch things that fall from the sky.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Wait no, better… That’s why I’ll never go to Australia.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

When you see a film like this, as Lovelock says, it “makes you realize just how bad some zombie movies actually are.” Story, characters, action and dialogue were all well above par. Starkwell talked about how it makes sense that Hollywood would take notice of the Brothers Spierig after this. Sure, some of it is a little too silly, and some of the CGI effects aren’t exactly awe inspiring, but Lovelock and Starkwell give it one million thumbs up, and highly recommend it for fans of maximum awesomeness.

All Souls Day.

2011-11-17T21:40:00.000-05:00

Another in a string of “made for Sci-Fi” channel movies, this one is supposed to be the cream of the crop. That is, of course, if the cream is the worst part, and the crop is actually a bag of shit. The DVD opens with a trailer for “Near Dark” which looks awesome and stars Bill Paxton. But we’re not about to watch that. We’re about to watch something whose claim to fame is that Danny Trejo is in it. Starkwell and Lovelock are less than excited for this 2005 romp in Mexico penned by the guy who wrote Uwe Boll’s “House of the Dead”. So yeah.

[...]

[Anytown Mexico.]

Starkwell: For a random Mexican village, there is an awful lot of English being spoken.

Lovelock: They did the same thing in “Hunt for Red October”, except with Russian.

Starkwell: And why are all of the villagers white?

Lovelock: What did you expect them to do, go and grab a truck full of day laborers?

Starkwell: Dude...

Lovelock: You know what? They probably would give a more convincing performance.

[...]

[White family in the 50s is murdered by village of Mexican Zombies, cuts to present day. Lame white people run into village.]

Starkwell: Why did they need to show the flashback? How did that girl write that whole explanation in the sand with a stick? Why aren’t they panicking more? Why are we watching this?

Lovelock: The answer to all of those is, because this film is a turd.

[...]

[Lame white guy invites his friends to join them, and then makes sex all over his girlfriend.]

Starkwell: Why would they invite people after finding a girl with her tongue cut out? How could they be horny under these circumstances? Who puts their bra back on immediately after boning like that?

Lovelock: Once again, because this film is a turd.

[...]

Altman throws in movie references, but rather than being subtle about it, the characters always find a way to explain what movie they were referencing immediately after referencing it, making it THOROUGHLY LAME.

[...]

[Zombie mayhem continues.]

Starkwell: If he wants to go get more bullets, why is she wasting them by shooting bullets in the air? Why is tongueless a zombie already? How is she screaming? Why didn’t they kill the Sheriff? If the Sheriff is the kid from the flashback, why isn’t seventy years old? Why is it only the Mexican girl that sees the weird apparitions? Why are they making jokes? Why are they making out?!?!?! Why does the cheerleader have super powers?!?!? Why am I still sitting here?

Lovelock: Turd! Remember? … Starkwell? Starkwell?

[...]

Starkwell left. Lovelock stayed. As usual, here are some bits from Lovelock’s conversation with himself.

[...]

[Trejo shoots his son in the head, accidentally.]

Lovelock: How could he have possibly missed his mark by that much? Why do we need to see Trejo masturbating? Why is she puking black stuff? Why would they have killed the other people in the first place if they only wanted to get the Vargas guy? Why is she magic, but not magic enough to stop this shit from happening in the first place? What the fuck?

[...]

Once Lovelock remembered the answer to all of these questions, he got quiet. Real quiet.

Junk.

2011-11-15T07:00:00.002-05:00

Since “Stacy” is the only Japanese zombie extravaganza that I have exposed Lovelock and Starkwell to, I felt I owed the country of Japan an explanation. Hopefully the turn of the century’s more traditional zombie fare, “Junk” will give Starkwell and Lovelock a better view of the Japanese zombie film. If this one doesn’t work there’s always “Wild Zero”. Lovelock’s mad that he will have to read again.

[...]

[Jewelry store heist.]

Lovelock: Why is everyone wearing sunglasses?

Starkwell: Because “The Matrix” had just come out.

Lovelock: That explains the soundtrack.

Starkwell: And the outfits.

Lovelock: Oh shit, a SEGA building!

Starkwell: For a movie that has the evil American military scientists creating zombies, they borrow an awful lot from American films.

Lovelock: Maybe the zombies are a good thing in this one…

Starkwell: Are we supposed to be rooting for these thieves? Because they just shot a lady.

Lovelock: She was asking for it.

Starkwell: …

[...]

The movie kicked forward, developing characters, pushing the EVIL AMERICAN MILITARY agenda a little more, and leading up to the exchange between the jewel thieves and local Yakuza. Obviously they plan on meeting in the secret warehouse where the EVIL AMERICAN MILITARY have been conducting their zombie experiments. As much as most of the characters are incredibly hateable, the one female lead seems to be a decent person. Before they had time to discuss this any further, a zombie ran a steel rod through a guy’s neck, and both Starkwell and Lovelock applauded. The movie was very quick to show us that it would not be light in gore and headshots.

[...]

[Jewel for Money exchange.]

Starkwell: He asked to see the money first, they show him a briefcase, and he says “OK.”?

Lovelock: Yeah, kind of dumb.

Starkwell: “Well, he has a briefcase, so it must be full of money.” I’m glad he’s dead.

Lovelock: ZOMBIE!

[...]

As the bullets flew, and more and more dead people came back to life, Starkwell and Lovelock stayed pretty quiet, thoroughly entertained. A lot of comments were made about the American Military Mustache Man and the fact that only the main characters’ guns seem to ever run out of bullets. Apparently the Yakuza have INFINTY BULLETS guns.

[...]

[Naked Female Zombie has computer science skills.]

Starkwell: How would she know how to stop the self destruct sequence?

Lovelock: For the same reason that the Americans have military bases all over Japan.

[...]

[Japanese Scientist mows down some zombies with a machine gun.]

Starkwell: Where would he have learned to shoot like that?

Lovelock: The same place the zombie learned Computer Science.

Starkwell: Well played.

[...]

[Naked computer whiz zombie kills American Soldier.]

Starkwell: After all of this time, why would naked zombie suddenly decide to put on a leather outfit, in slow motion?

Lovelock: You already answered your own question earlier. It is because the director had just watched “The Matrix”.

[...]

[Leather Dress Super Zombie hops around throwing Japanese Scientist around the room.]

Starkwell: Where the Hell is all of that wind coming from?

Lovelock: Long answer, the same place all of that fog is coming from.

Starkwell: What’s the short answer?

Lovelock: “The Matrix”.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well, either that or John Woo.

[...]

[Super Zombie comes back, even after a bullet in the head. With blond hair.]

Starkwell: Why would her hair turn blond?

Lovelock: So that the male stunt double could wear a blond wig.

[...]

As the credits rolled Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that while the film featured a hefty amount of action, and a good amount of old fashioned gore, overall it lacked character. In fact, what it lacked most were characters that we would actually give a shit about. I mean, the film ends with them stealing a car. Well that and that Super Zombie is still alive. Fun movie, but really fucking stupid. Also, why is it called "Junk"?

Oasis of the Zombies.

2011-11-13T17:15:00.002-05:00

After their experience with Rollin’s (or was it J.A. Laser???) “Zombie Lake”, the thought of another Aquatic Based Nazi Zombie film has Starkwell and Lovelock a little terrified. Not to mention the fact that this one is from seasoned pornographer and cinetrash maker extraordinaire Jess Franco. What is about to ooze into their eyes and ears is his notoriously abysmal “Oasis of the Zombies”. I don’t think they’re truly ready. Can you ever be truly ready for Franco? The quality of the print is atrocious. That can’t possibly be helping this. Also, no matter what the original language was, this is being shown to us in PISS POOR ENGLISH.

[...]

[Girls in hot pants get eaten. Opening credits play with some kind of flute music.]

Starkwell: Why would two girls in short shorts and tank tops be driving around the deert in Africa?

Lovelock: To his credit, the girls kept their tiny clothes on.

[...]

After this, not much was going on. There appears to be some sort of Nazi gold thing happening, and there are some pretty sweet moustaches. The story is surprisingly cohesive, although not very fast moving. I think something is being lost in translation, since, as Starkwell said, “did he tell her to hold on to her camel?” and Lovelock’s question “so the girls at the beginning were lesbians, right?”.

[...]

[Flashback to when the Nazis were ambushed at the Oasis.]

Starkwell: That’s a lot of grenade being tossed around.

Lovelock: Woah! First Person Shooter angle! Jess Franco invented video games!

Starkwell: That’s a bit of a stretch.

Lovelock: Wait. Are we still in the flashback now? I’m confused.

[...]

[Eurotrash college students skip their exam to go after supposedly cursed Nazi gold, somewhere in Africa.]

Starkwell: Little do they know that the guy who killed the one student’s father is also out on a journey for the very same gold that they are going after.

Lovelock: I’m not even sure that I knew that. But thanks for clarifying.

Starkwell: He sure likes to focus on that swastika.

Lovelock: It’s so that we know that the zombies are Nazis.

Starkwell: Yeah, otherwise they just look like dudes with oatmeal on their faces.

Lovelock: Expensive oatmeal. And maggots.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell sat quietly, watching the surprisingly freaky looking zombies eat people. Starkwell noted “of course, they took her pants off first” to which Lovelock replied “how else would they be able to eat her?” At one point, they simultaneously exclaimed “LONGEST DEATH EVER!”

[...]

[College kids dig for gold.]

Starkwell: How would they know where to dig?

Lovelock: Instinct?

Starkwell: Considering half of them have already been attacked by zombies and are still sticking around, I’d say that their instinct is piss poor.

Lovelock: And somehow, they’re still horny enough to make the sex.

Starkwell: Is it just me or do the zombies make noises like the raptors in “Jurassic Park”?

Lovelock: Wow. Normally I would bring in the oddly placed references. I’m proud of you. Anyways, you’re wrong. They sound like a jug band member playing a washboard.

[...]

After the fifth shot of a hand coming out of the sand, they were starting to lose their patience a little. But then finally the carnage started and they ate tons of popcorn and cheered.

[...]

[College kids fight back.]

Lovelock: Did that guy say "let’s make Molotov Cocktails like in school?” Where the Hell do they go to school?

Starkwell: Am I the only one that thinks that Franco focuses on the zombie faces for absurdly long amounts of time forever?

Lovelock: How come that one zombie disappeared into thin air?

Starkwell: Let’s not ask questions that we know don’t have answers to.

Lovelock: You do that all of the time.

[...]

Judging by the final lines of dialogue in the film, the main character was just there to “find himself”. Fucking college kids… Always trying to explore themselves by traveling. Anyways, maybe it was just because “Zombie Lake” drove their expectations for Nazi zombie films down to an undetectably low level, but they seemed to feel that this was a perfectly adequate and fun romp in the desert, full of burning Nazis and ‘splosions.

The Unwatchables, Vol. II.

2011-11-11T08:00:00.003-05:00

This second round of Unwatchables is coming at you thanks some very poor DVD buying decisions that I have made. I am noticing a pattern too. The only movies that seem to make it to the dreaded unwatchable status were made after the turn of the millennium. Often people will talk about movies and how we don’t make them like we used to. Apparently, we even don’t make trashy micro-budget ones like we used. Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t make it through any of these films from start to finish, but here was a little of what they had to say about each before they set the DVD player on fire. Seriously, I went through six DVD players.

[...]

[Necropolis Awakened (2002)]

Starkwell: The box said “Pulp Fiction” meets “Day of the Dead”. I’m not really getting that.

Lovelock: It’s more like a porno based on “Pulp Fiction” meets a high school film festival entry based on “Day of the Dead”. But without any sex in it, and they’d finish last at the festival.

Starkwell: Why would anyone make their voice do that?

Lovelock: Probably so he could play more than one character.

[...]

[Exhumed (2003)]

[First story, samurai short with zombies.]

Starkwell: This kind of feels like a white person version of what he thinks a samurai movie would be…. Oh wait.

[Second story, film noir, with zombies.]

Lovelock: Holy shit! That is the most annoying voice I have ever heard. Where did they find her?

Starkwell: It sounds like someone imitating someone who’s imitating someone who’s imitating a person from that era.

[Third story, they never watched.]

[...]

[Invasion (2005)]

Starkwell: The first person view from the squad car is interesting. Nice concept.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wow... sticking to the squad car angle... bold.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wait are they just driving in circles in a field and filming it?

[30 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Zzzzzzzzzzzz…

[...]

[Automaton Transfusion (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they made this movie just to see that girl’s boobies?

Lovelock: It would explain why the rest of the movie seems like they were making it up as they went along.

Starkwell: I think I would respect this movie more if it were made twenty years ago.

Lovelock: It’s original “Degrassi” meets “Children of the Living Dead”.

Starkwell: Spot on.

[...]

[Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they decided to have the soft-core barnyard sex scene before or after they made it 3D?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I don’t think my glasses are working very well. But I do see well enough to know that Sid Haig really needs money.

Starkwell: Yeah, he must have been fresh off of shooting “House of the Dead 2”.

Lovelock: I sort of wish my glasses was a blindfold.

Starkwell: And that it had earplugs attached.

[...]

[Trailer Park of Terror (2008)]

Starkwell: So… characters that I hate being killed by other characters that I hate?

Lovelock: Plus it’s gross!

[...]

On the bright side, at least we have six new coasters for the coffee table. Some of these had some good ideas, but all eventually spiralled dreadfully out of control and ended up in Unwatchable Town. I think Sid Haig might be the mayor there. I’m going to go bake some brownies, and hopefully Lovelock and Starkwell will begin talking to me again.

The Dead Next Door.

2011-11-09T19:30:00.029-05:00

Apparently this movie took years to complete. That’s what happens when you have no budget and try to tackle a story as grand as the one put forward in JR Bookwalter’s “Dead Next Door”. Shot in Ohio through the majority of the ‘80s, this one saw its completion and release in ’89, and may or may not have lived up to everyone’s hopes. Let’s at least find out what Starkwell and Lovelock think of it. Apparently Bookwalter followed this with a movie called “Robot Ninja” where a scientist helps a comic-book artist to become the superhero he has created in order to battle a vicious gang of rapists. So yeah.

[...]

[Zombie tried to rent "Dawn of the Dead"]

Lovelock: Sweet VHS boxes.

Starkwell: I think this is going to be one nutty ride.

[...]

[Zombie apocalypse montage.]

Starkwell: Why would they bother showing a zombie using the telephone for that long?

Lovelock: The same reason that they mostly cast people with mullets.

[...]

We get introduced to some Zombie Squad members, some pretty sweet gore and some of the worst acting in the history of people. But, as Lovelock noted, “somehow it works.”

[...]

[Binocular shot.]

Starkwell: If you’re going to use construction paper to create that effect, you could at least make smooth cuts.

Lovelock: You ever try to cut perfect circles with scissors? It’s impossible.

[...]

Lovelock: I think I’ve seen this movie before. It was called “Ghostbusters.”

Starkwell: Are you basing that entirely on the Squad Car?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

The overdubbing is funny. Starkwell mentioned that it gives it that “campy Bruno Mattei feel.” In order to save the world, they have to find some guy’s research lab in Akron, Ohio, the scientific center of the world, apparently.

[...]

[Reverend Sunglasses and his Church of Bad Haircuts keep zombies in a pen, and feed them humans.]

Lovelock: There’s something weird about this Reverend…

Starkwell: He runs a cult, sacrifices people, and feeds them to the zombies.

Lovelock: That’s not it.

Starkwell: It’s not?

Lovelock: No, I know! It’s his fashion sense. Who wears a khaki shirt and khaki pants? What is he, a zookeeper? And why is he always wearing those old lady Terminator sunglasses?

[...]

Not much was happening after this. Starkwell and Lovelock made a half dozen comments about Commander Mullet and his braid. There was a random hippy guy talking about “'Nam flashbacks” right before a grenade blew him up. Trust me, it sounds better than it is. Then the Zombie Squad guy grenaded a tree so he could drive through it and Starkwell walked out. The rest is just stuff that Lovelock muttered to himself.

[...]

Lovelock: Worst graffiti ever. “The Master Dude!” What does that even mean?

[...]

Lovelock: Reverend Sunglasses looks like Gilbert Godfrey, but sounds like an asshole.

[...]

Lovelock: STARKWELL! YOU’RE MISSING A MELTING ZOMBIE! MELTING!

[...]

Lovelock: You’re going down Doctor Trucker Hat.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would you open that door? Oh snap, zombie hands! Guitar solo!

[...]

Lovelock: I think that cage is made of paper.

[...]

I don’t think Lovelock appreciated the twist ending, since he just stood up and said “Dumb.” He liked the gore effects overall, but Bookwalter definitely bit off more than he could chew, and the result is a patchy film that lacks cohesion. Impressive nonetheless. Lovelock gives him credit for trying. Starkwell was glad he bailed when he did. The songs that play during the ending credits are totally insane. And I thought only Burt Reynolds movies had awesome theme songs.

Dead & Buried.

2011-11-07T07:30:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it’s good to throw a different one into the mix. Supposedly a little more along the lines of “Les Raisins de la Mort” or Romero’s “The Crazies”, 1981’s “Dead & Buried” is that age old tale of a town gone insane. Directed by some dude named Gary Sherman, this one is perhaps more known for being partially written by legendary screenwriter Dan O’Bannon. Yeah, the dude that wrote Aliens! This is another beautiful Blue Underground print.

[...]

[Soft piano intro, black and white stills, and a photographer strolling on the beach.]

Lovelock: Did we put the right DVD in? This looks like it could be the intro for “Terms of Endearment”…

Starkwell: Does everything have to start with ‘splosions and bloody murder with you?

Lovelock: I take it back… the sax just kicked in, and he’s photographing a foxy blond. Who’s taking her shirt off…? Maybe it’s a porno DVD.

Starkwell: Not sure why we would have a porno mixed in with the horror DVDs. Or “Terms of Endearment” for that matter…

Lovelock: HOLY SHIT SHOVEL TO THE HEAD BURNED AT THE STAKE.

[...]

For the next ten minutes or so, both Starkwell and Lovelock kept repeating “Welcome to Potters Bluff.” It was almost as creepy as the opening scene.

[...]

[The Mortician drives an Ambulance SLASH Coroner vehicle.]

Starkwell: I would think that being both the paramedic and the mortician would be a conflict of interests…

Lovelock: When life gives him lemons, he makes lemonades.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

Lovelock: Dead people are lemons.

[...]

[Nurse Betty finishes Freddie off.]

Starkwell: Was it really necessary to put the needle into his eyeball?

Lovelock: Are you for real? That's like asking if boobies are necessary. I think that when life shows you lemonades, you call it lemons.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: Eyeball gags are definitely lemonades.

[...]

[Freddie is alive, kills them city folk.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never stop and ask for directions.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: That’s also why I don’t go wandering into the dark basement of a creepy abandoned house in the middle of the night in a small creepy town.

Starkwell: Should anyone really need a reason not to do that?

Lovelock: WELCOME TO POTTERS BLUFF.

[...]

As the madness progressed forward, the Sheriff continued to investigate the murders, and the insane reality started unearthing itself, Starkwell said that this only reaffirms O’Bannon’s greatness. Lovelock said “Welcome to Potters Bluff” at least six or seven more times, often at random.

[...]

[Doc gets acid shot up his nose and his face melts from the inside.]

Lovelock: Alright, so deaths will now be rated from one to “acid up the nose”.

Starkwell: Forever?

Lovelock: No, just for the duration of this movie. Afterwards, we will resume our rating system that goes from one to “face eaten by tarantulas”.

[...]

[The truth is revealed, and I think the Sheriff’s brain full exploded.]

Lovelock: So it’s kind of like “The Truman Show”.

Starkwell: How so?

Lovelock: Is it sort of like “The Matrix”?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”?

Starkwell: Are you just saying titles at random?

Lovelock: Welcome, to Potters Bluff?

Starkwell: Don’t you dare…

[...]

As the Sheriff tries to locate and bury his dead wife, and the Mortician makes himself up like a cheap whore and embalms himself, Starkwell and Lovelock just sat quietly watching the film wrap itself up neatly, blissfully mesmerized by the unique brand of incredible blazing into their wide open eyeballs at seventy-five miles per amazing. Welcome, to Potters Bluff.